Vault: Can a fake boyfriend stop her mom's questions?

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bert Show – "Vault: Can a fake boyfriend stop her mom's questions?"

Date: June 23, 2026
Host(s): Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & The Bert Show Cast
Featured Caller: Elise

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Episode Overview

In this episode, the Bert Show team takes a call from Elise, a listener facing relentless pressure from her mom to be in a relationship. Caught in a web of her own making, Elise has fabricated a boyfriend ("Jeremiah") to appease her mother's questions. Now, with her mom demanding to meet Jeremiah—or at least speak to him for her birthday—the show’s cast and callers brainstorm comedic and practical solutions, ultimately auditioning a listener to play the part of "Jeremiah" and analyzing family expectations, social lying, and what it means to set boundaries as an adult.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Elise’s Dilemma: The Fake Boyfriend Escalates

• Background: Elise has been pretending to have a boyfriend since Christmas to stop her mom’s prying into her love life.
  • "It's been going on since Christmas." (Elise, 01:27)
  • Her mother’s pressure led to this web of lies—even questioning Elise’s sexuality.
    • “Even over Thanksgiving, she pulled my sister aside and asked my sister if I was a lesbian. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course…” (Elise, 01:35)
• Elise initially enjoyed the break from her mom’s nagging: "I didn't correct her because it felt pretty good to have her off my back for a second." (Elise, 03:05)
• The mom, having heard Elise’s “deflection,” spread news of the boyfriend to family: “Every time you’re on the phone with her… she’s like, how’s the boyfriend?” (Host, 02:46)

2. The Details of Jeremiah

• Elise kept details to a minimum ("He's tall, dark and handsome, works in finance"), but regrets giving him a name: “Well, as I say, his name is Jeremiah. That’s pretty specific, I guess.” (Elise, 03:11)

3. The Mother’s Ultimatum & Elise’s Predicament

• Elise’s mom wants to meet Jeremiah, or at least speak to him for her birthday: "Just have him give me a call and wish me happy birthday. I just want to hear his voice..." (Elise, 04:01)
• Elise confesses: “Honestly, like, this would make her feel better. I feel bad about lying, but I feel like Jeremiah might break up with me pretty soon.” (Elise, 04:46)

4. Family Dynamics & Societal Pressure

• Elise is 30; her sister is 32, married with kids, which fuels more pressure from the mom.
  • “Of course she’s married. She has to show me up, right?” (Elise, 05:00)
  • The hosts empathize and discuss how some parents never stop pushing: “If they're that type of person. Not every mother does it, but if you are that type of mother. Yeah.” (Host, 02:42)
• Host’s insight: “It’s not because of your happiness... She’s self-conscious because she doesn’t have a son-in-law or grandchildren to tell her friends about." (Host, 04:21)

5. Solution Brainstorming: Truth vs. Theatrical

• The cast debates honesty vs. playing along:
  • “There’s the honest route... Or you just find one of your friends and have them call and [the] conversation is over in five minutes.” (Host, 05:40)
• Elise: “Yeah, I don’t have that many, like, guy friends, I would say. And it’s kind of awkward. I guess I could.” (Elise, 05:54)
• Suggestions range from enlisting an unemployed friend to a gay friend, or even—jokingly—a Black friend to really rile up her conservative mom. (Hosts, 05:57–08:11)

6. Listener Participation & Jeremiah Auditions

• Callers chime in, most urging Elise to come clean.
  • Donna: “I think she needs to grow up and stand up to her mom.” (Donna, 06:46)
• Lynette (another caller) offers practical alternatives: “Get somebody unemployed who’s not doing anything... just go for the ride.” (Lynette, 07:19)
• The consensus: a quick phone call from a ‘Jeremiah’ is lower risk than faking a whole trip.

7. The Jeremiah Audition – Trevor Steps Up

• Listener Trevor volunteers to play “Jeremiah.” Elise roleplays as her mom for the audition:
  • Scripted call highlights:
    • “Yeah, I got stuck at work. I do freelance work so I might get called all the time...” (Trevor as Jeremiah, 08:44)
    • “I actually met her at a coffee shop and we both ordered the same drink..." (Trevor as Jeremiah, 09:05)
    • Plans for Valentine’s Day: “My initial plan was to do one of those horse drawn carriage things, but the weather… maybe like two urban licks or something and then drinks after that.” (Trevor, 09:21)
• Hosts are impressed:
  • “This is your dude, right?” (Host, 09:35)
  • “You’re frightening me. On how well you’re lying.” (Host, 09:55)
• Trevor, showing commitment: “If we’re doing this, I don’t want to do it… I want to do it right. I need to get some information myself.” (Trevor, 10:39)
• The team jokes about the scenario's rom-com potential: “She calls a radio station looking for a guy to BS Mom. We find a guy randomly on the phone...and all of a sudden they realize that there's a connection.” (Host, 11:06)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Parental Pressure:
  • “It’s not because of your happiness... She’s self-conscious because she doesn’t have a son-in-law or grandchildren to tell her friends about.” (Host, 04:21)
• On Lying and Relief:
  • “I didn't correct her because it felt pretty good to have her off my back for a second.” (Elise, 03:05)
• On Going Too Far:
  • “I feel bad about lying, but I feel like Jeremiah might break up with me pretty soon.” (Elise, 04:46)
• On Auditioning Jeremiah:
  • “You are frightening me. On how well you’re lying.” (Host, 09:55)
• The Rom-Com Setup:
  • “Maybe they do really meet out for coffee. And maybe they do really have the same order.” (Host, 11:23)

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Timeline & Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:06 – Elise’s story begins; she's facing her mom's relationship pressure
• 02:53 – Mom spreads word of Elise’s “boyfriend” to family
• 03:44 – Mom’s request to meet “Jeremiah” or get a birthday call
• 05:54 – The Bert Show team debates honesty vs. fake call
• 06:46–08:11 – Callers give advice; comedic and practical suggestions
• 08:26 – Trevor calls in to audition as “Jeremiah”
• 08:44–09:35 – Live roleplay; the team evaluates Trevor's performance
• 10:39 – Trevor insists on proper “Elise101” prep
• 11:06–11:28 – Hosts joke about romantic comedy destiny

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Conclusion

The episode is a lively, comedic take on the lengths we’ll go to avoid family pressure—especially when it comes to relationship status. With empathy for Elise and biting wit about generational expectations, the Bert Show not only offers practical help (ultimately pairing Elise with “Trevor” to make the infamous phone call), but also provides plenty of laughs and relatable moments.

Listeners are left with two lessons:

1. You’re not alone in navigating parental expectations,
2. Sometimes, living your truth might just be “easier”—but if not, a clever radio team and a willing stranger can help you pull off one heck of a boyfriend bluff.

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Transcript

[A]

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[C]

the Birch Show.

[E]

Here is Elise, who has a big weekend ahead of her this weekend.

[F]

I can't concentrate. No, I'm just kidding.

[E]

Because her mom is supposed to meet her boyfriend. But there's just one problem, one little itty bitty problem in the whole plan, really tiny, is that there is no boyfriend.

[C]

Oh, boy.

[E]

Hey, Elise. Good morning.

[G]

Hi, guys.

[E]

Hi. How are you?

[G]

Good thing.

[E]

Okay, so how long has this charade been going on now?

[G]

It's been going on since Christmas.

[E]

Since Christmas.

[F]

Couple months.

[E]

All right. So what's the history? Like your mom's always pressuring you to have to be in a relationship or something?

[G]

Yeah, she's constantly nagging me. And it's not like I don't date. I totally date. It's just nothing serious. But she doesn't understand that at all. And so, you know, even over Thanksgiving, she pulled my sister aside and asked my sister if I was a lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course, Melissa, but

[F]

I would bring a girl around if I was a lesbian. Like

[H]

you're starting to feel the pressure.

[G]

It just really upset me. And then Christmas, she started getting on my case again. And all I said was, how do you know I don't have a boyfriend? And it just kind of started from there.

[F]

It's really her fault. I mean, it's, it's. I made the joke earlier, but yeah, if parents are on your case about being dating somebody, getting married, having children, all, you know, this, of course, to get you off our backs, we're going to do something.

[I]

And how old are you?

[G]

I'm 30.

[E]

Okay, so even at 30 years old, this never Goes away. Like with your mom, they're always pressuring

[I]

you to be like, especially as you get older.

[G]

Yeah.

[F]

If they're that type of person. Not every mother does it, but if you are that type of mother. Yeah.

[E]

So you say, how do you know I'm not dating somebody? And then all of a sudden, every time you're on the phone with her, I'm assuming she's like, how's the boyfriend?

[G]

She wound up telling everybody over Christmas that I had a boyfriend after that because she took it. Like, how does she know I don't have one? Like, I obviously do. And you just don't know about him. And I didn't correct her because it

[J]

felt pretty good to have her off

[G]

my back for a second.

[F]

And what kind of details about your

[G]

boyfriend did you give your mom? I've tried to not be too specific. But his name. Well, as I say, his name is Jeremiah. That's pretty specific, I guess.

[I]

Okay, why'd you pick that name? You just like it.

[J]

Jeremiah.

[F]

Does he drive a buggy?

[J]

No, he's a bullfrog.

[G]

He works in finance. He's tall, dark and handsome. I figured that was pretty easy. And that's pretty much as far as he's gone.

[E]

So now how did you work your way into a situation where she's about

[G]

to meet him in Chattanooga, it's her birthday coming up. And she said, well, why don't you bring Jeremiah with you to come and meet your mother on her birthday? And I said, oh, he has this work conference and so he's not gonna be able to make it. And she said, well, you know, that's. That's okay. Just have him give me a call and wish me happy birthday. I just want to hear his voice, get to know him. And so now I just, I. He needs to call her.

[E]

So all she now wants is a call from Jeremiah. Just saying.

[G]

From Jeremiah.

[E]

Oh, wow.

[F]

See, I think mothers like. Because mothers like that. And I mean, it's not that dads don't do the same thing too, but especially mothers. It's like their reputation's on the line. Like, she's self conscious not because of your happiness. She's self conscious because she doesn't have a son in law or grandchildren to tell her friends about or her family members about, you know.

[G]

Yeah, I'm totally fine being single. I'm not even depressed about it.

[F]

Good.

[G]

It's just.

[E]

You want to.

[G]

Honestly, like, this would make her feel better. I feel bad about lying, but I feel like Jeremiah might break up with me pretty soon.

[F]

On the rise.

[I]

Do. Did you say before? Do you have siblings?

[G]

I have a sister.

[I]

And is she married or kids?

[G]

Of course she's married. She has to show me up, right?

[H]

How old is she?

[G]

She's a couple years older than me.

[J]

She's 32.

[H]

Okay, but she was probably in a committed relationship by the time she was 30 old.

[G]

She and her boyfriend were together since high school.

[F]

Oh, God.

[I]

And do they have kids yet?

[G]

Yeah, they have two kids.

[I]

So she should be off your back. She's already got grandkids. I mean, your mom, anyway.

[G]

You would think so, but my mother is a special woman.

[F]

What about your sister? Is she, like, on your side or your mom's side?

[G]

I'm sorry?

[F]

Your sister, Is she on your side or your mom's side?

[G]

She's totally on my side. She knows my mom's crazy.

[E]

She can understand. Well, there's two ways to go with this. There's the honest route, which is like, hey, you're 30 years old. It's time to stick up to your mom and go, look, you know, I'll settle down when I'm ready to settle down. Or you just find one of your friends and have them call and come. Conversation is over in five minutes.

[G]

Yeah, I don't have that many, like, guy friends, I would say. And it's kind of awkward. I guess I could.

[F]

What do you want to do?

[G]

Well, I kind of just want to find somebody who's willing to play along who I don't have to see every day and be embarrassed.

[I]

Do you have any gay guy friends?

[G]

I don't. I don't.

[I]

Because I would think I would be able to go to one of my gay boyfriends over one of my regular guy friends in order to play along and do that.

[E]

One of them says, how about your Brian Duke friend? He could BS his way through.

[G]

I'm sure he could.

[I]

He'd be good at that.

[H]

He's not cute.

[I]

Yeah, but that's a three day commitment for him. That's way too long.

[G]

Can you guys find me at Jeremiah?

[E]

I think we can find you a Jeremiah. Here is Donna. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[J]

Hey. I just wanted to say I think she needs to grow up and stand up to her mom.

[E]

The age thing, like, when you said 30, I was really surprised. Like, I thought you were gonna say 23.

[F]

Do y' all know mamas like this, though?

[E]

No.

[F]

No, you can't. Yeah, it. Yeah, I know she's saying, stand up to your mom and everything, but crazy mamas? It's yeah, it's a little more difficult.

[J]

Hello?

[E]

Hi, Lynette.

[G]

Hey.

[E]

Hey, Lynette. We got Elise here who is supposed to go to Chattanooga to see her mom this weekend for her birthday. And she's supposed to be bringing this made up boyfriend, Jeremiah, instead of standing up to her mom.

[J]

Okay, she has two options. One, tell the truth. Second option, get like somebody unemployed who's not doing anything, who would just love to go on a trip and just go for the ride and just, you know, play with mom a little bit and make sure mom knows he's not working. And I think mom will leave her the heck alone after all that.

[E]

I think the phone call is way safer than the trip. Like find. There's got to be somebody that you know or somebody that we know that can make this. It's a five minute call. Get it over with. Unless you just are done with it and just be honest with her.

[F]

How conservative is your mom?

[G]

How conservative is she? Extremely.

[F]

I would, I would find. We gotta find her a black friend, a black man to go to Chattanooga with you and pretend to be your boyfriend. Because if she's conservative and upset about it, then maybe that will get you, get her off your back.

[E]

So really what we need is a guy just to play the part on the phone because she's gone from like come up to Chattanooga with me to 5 minute conversation with my mom would be just fine. So we got to find the right guy to play the part of Jeremiah. Hey, Trevor.

[K]

Hey. How's it going?

[E]

Good, how are you?

[K]

I'm doing well. And yourselves?

[L]

Good.

[E]

Elise, you want to play the part of your mom here? I mean, this is your audition.

[G]

Okay, sure.

[J]

Hi, how are you?

[K]

I'm doing well. And yourself?

[G]

I'm doing really good. Sorry you couldn't make it up for my birthday. What happened?

[K]

Yeah, I got stuck at work. I do freelance work so I might get called all the time and just couldn't make it. It was a total bummer.

[G]

Oh, so you must be pretty successful.

[K]

You know, I do alright for myself. I'm not the richest man, I'm not the brokest man. I could afford some nice things, but, you know, I do alright for myself.

[G]

And what is it that you see in Elise?

[K]

She's really pretty. I actually met her at a coffee shop and we both ordered the same drink and I offered if I could buy it for her and she said yeah, we hit it off real well and she's really pretty and really smart and you know, we'll see what happens from there.

[G]

Do you have Any plan for Valentine's Day? Sorry.

[K]

Yeah, I do. My initial plan was to do one of those horse drawn carriage things, but the weather permitting is not probably gonna allow that. So I had some plans to go to dad's garage and then maybe like two urban licks or something and then drinks after that.

[E]

This is your dude, right?

[I]

This is your dude.

[F]

Well, she'll be like, your father's garage. What's in your father's garage?

[H]

And then tour urban legs. That sounds like a. A creeper date.

[K]

I'm going.

[H]

I'm going to go to dad's garage, then give you two urban legs. Come on, girl.

[J]

Oh, my.

[I]

You're frightening me. On how well you're lying. I know.

[G]

It was really good.

[E]

Are you currently in a relationship, Trevor?

[K]

No, I'm not.

[H]

He's married.

[K]

I married several times. Just kidding.

[E]

So never been married?

[K]

Nope.

[E]

Okay. He's got the gift here. I think that. Do we all agree that this could be the guy right here?

[I]

This is our guy.

[E]

Elise, are you comfortable with us just ending this thing and having Trevor call your mom this weekend?

[J]

I love it.

[H]

Move the car, Trevor.

[I]

Move the car.

[K]

Yeah, I'm parked. Parked illegally. I'm actually kind of working.

[E]

Move the car.

[K]

I'm doing it. I'm doing it. So, yeah, what's the word?

[E]

All right, let me put you on hold here, and we'll get in touch with you. We'll get your phone number, we'll get Elise's mom's number. Maybe have Elise talk to you a couple of times and get some schooling down here.

[K]

Yeah, I was gonna say, if we're doing this, I don't want to do it. You know, I want to do it right. I need to get some information myself.

[E]

Yeah, you need an education here on Elise. Elise101.

[H]

I think you guys should meet. So you really do have that cup of coffee and make love at least once.

[K]

No, we'll play it by ear.

[E]

She definitely owes him a sexual favor after this. Hold on to her.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[E]

All right, Elise, that's taken care of.

[A]

Done.

[E]

You got your Jeremiah. Okay.

[J]

Oh, thank you so much.

[I]

Good luck.

[E]

It's really very, very romantic. Now this could be destiny right here, you guys. Here's the destiny card of the whole thing, okay? She calls a radio station looking for a guy to BS Mom. We find a guy randomly on the phone.

[C]

Dude.

[E]

They're on the phone with each other while they're passing information, and all of a sudden they realize that there's a connection.

[I]

Maybe they do really meet out for coffee. And maybe they do really have the same order.

[F]

Maybe they do really good at two. Oh my God, y' all shut up.

[C]

It is Destiny, the Bird Show.

[L]

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