Vault: Can The Bert Show find him a date?

Summary

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The Bert Show - “Vault: Can The Bert Show Find Him a Date?” (June 9, 2026)

Episode Overview

In this lively episode, the Bert Show crew tries to help Jesse—a self-described "four"—find a date. The hosts dig into Jesse’s recent date experience, his thoughts on relationships, and his values, while debating whether his story about dating “out of his league” holds up. The team discusses image, online dating, honesty, and the challenges of being “the nice guy.” The conversation is fun, real, and sharply insightful, full of playful banter and heartfelt moments as they get to know Jesse and try to set him up.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Jesse’s Self-Image and Recent Date Experience

• Background: Jesse, a 20-year-old college student, describes himself as a ‘four’ on the looks scale but ended up on a date with someone he considered a ‘15.’
• Date Recap:
  • Jesse and the girl both agreed to “just be friends” at the end of the date.
  • Jesse: “There’s really no point in trying to waste any more time.” (02:19)
• Show Crew’s Reaction: Jeff is skeptical of the story, thinking elements feel unusual or unbelievable, such as the mutual, honest friendzoning after the first date.
  • Jeff: “It just seemed odd that it happened at the first meeting at the fondue house, house of cheese melted...” (01:29)
  • Bert: “It’s an anomaly for sure. But if the story’s true, then the story is true.” (04:41)

2. The Looks Scale: Is Jesse Selling Himself Short?

• Photo Review: The Bert Show crew reviews pictures of Jesse and his date, concluding Jesse is more attractive than he thinks.
  • Bert: “You’re not the four that you say you are.” (05:48)
  • Jen: “Wait till Wendy gets a hold of him.” (06:49)
  • The idea of a “Wendy makeover” comes up, with Jesse game for a transformation. (06:13)
  • Bert: “You’re a decent looking dude, man.” (06:31)
  • Rankings: The cast ranks Jesse as a solid “six plus, close to a seven.” (06:37–06:48)

3. Jesse’s Priorities and Personality

• Faith and Values: Jesse is a devout Christian, attends church every Sunday, and seeks someone with Christian beliefs.
  • Jesse: “Honesty is the very most important thing. Followed closely by a Christian background, Christian beliefs.” (08:16)
• Hobbies & Background: Currently a college student in criminal justice; once tried to join the military, but couldn’t due to medical reasons. Aspires to be a police officer. Enjoys movies, mountain biking, and skateboarding. (07:12, 11:41)
• Relationship Attitudes:
  • Not focused on physical attributes: “Boobs are irrelevant. You are an anomaly.” (08:34, Bert).
  • Importance of personality—“It’s about the relationship, man.” (08:49, Jesse)
• Vulnerability: Jesse openly discusses having his heart broken by a girl who cheated on him, which leads to conversations about being “friendzoned.” (09:13–09:52)
  • Jesse: “It usually ends up there.” (09:52)
  • Jen: “He just seems like... he’s cool to get along in any sort of situation and ready to roll.” (10:27)

4. The Friend Zone and Dating Stereotypes

• Show’s Banter: The team teases Jesse, ask about sports, relationships, and even pose if any of the women on the show could date him—leading to a playful “cougar vs. puma” debate.
  • Jeff: “Well, you’re single and have kind of pedophilia tendencies these days.” (10:38)
  • Jen: “You cannot be a cougar until you’re 40...I’m a puma if that’s the case.” (10:44)

5. Next Steps: Setting Up Jesse

• Dating Profile: The team decides to help Jesse write an online dating profile and post his picture in hopes of connecting him with interested women listeners.
  • Bert: “We’ll have him write a profile and put it up online.” (11:54)
  • Joke about Wendy’s online dating strategy: “Wendy’s not a meHarmony girl. She’s a Craigslist lady.” (12:10)
  • Jesse is open and eager for the plan: “Okay, sounds great.” (12:26)

6. Listener Reactions and Stereotypes About Christian Men

• Bert references an incoming email from a listener warning against dating Christian men, claiming they are “the pickiest, harshest judges of women.” The group promises to unpack these opinions on a future segment. (12:32–12:40)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Dating Out of His League:
  • Bert: “He asks her out, she says yes. He’s shocked by that.” (00:58)
• On Honesty and Self-Perception:
  • Bert: “You’re not a four; you’re a decent looking dude, man.” (06:31)
  • Bert: “You got this image thing going on that you’re not a good— you’re not a four.” (06:27)
• On Relationship Priorities:
  • Jesse: “It’s about the relationship, man.” (08:49)
• On Hurt and Vulnerability:
  • Jesse: “Started going out with this really nice girl... she ended up cheating on me with her ex.” (09:20)
• On the Friend Zone:
  • Jesse: “It usually ends up there.” (09:52)
• On Christianity & Dating Stereotypes:
  • Bert (reading email): “Christian guys are the pickiest, harshest judges of women I’ve ever known...stay away from Christian guys.” (12:40)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:58 – Jesse’s initial story: dating "out of his league"
• 01:29 – Skepticism about the story from Jeff and Jen
• 05:48–06:48 – Jesse’s photos reviewed and debated; “Wendy makeover” suggested
• 07:02–07:55 – Jesse shares about his faith and personal background
• 08:11–08:54 – What Jesse is looking for in a partner
• 09:13–09:52 – Jesse discusses heartbreak and being “friendzoned”
• 10:27–10:56 – Playful speculation of Jesse dating the show’s female hosts
• 11:54–12:26 – The show’s plan to make Jesse an online profile
• 12:32–12:40 – Listener email on Christian men previewed

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Summary & Takeaways

This episode of The Bert Show is a classic blend of heartfelt authenticity and raucous humor, spotlighting Jesse—a sincere, self-effacing young man looking for love beyond superficialities. The cast challenges his low self-image, encourages self-confidence, and pledges to help him find a compatible date through online matchmaking. Along the way, they dig into perceptions about looks, the pressures of dating, and the pros and cons of being the “nice guy”—all while keeping the laughs and real talk flowing.

Perfect for listeners who enjoy genuine conversation, a bit of matchmaking, and an honest look at how young people today navigate dating, faith, and friendship.

Transcript

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[Bert]

Visit borhears.com you're on the Burt Show. Inconsequential. That Jeff really doesn't believe Jesse's story here that he's a four and the girl that he goes out with is like a 15. He was. He asks her out, she says yes. He's shocked by that. They go out and Jesse returns from the date and he's like, you know what? She's not everything I thought she was gonna be.

[Jeff]

He didn't return from the date. At the date, he said, let's just be friends.

[Jen]

Let's just.

[Jeff]

They told her they shut it down.

[Jen]

And you didn't think that it was capable for a guy to do that?

[Jeff]

I just think it seemed odd that it happened at the first meeting at the fondue house, house of cheese melted

[Bert]

or whatever it was like at the very end of the whole thing, he just sort of says, you know, he's very honest. And yeah, Jesse, how does that conversation go? Because I think this may be a first in the history of men. At the end of the date, you're with Hadi and how do you begin the conversation? That look, it certainly seems to me that we're better as friends than we would be. Something Else.

[Jesse]

Well, basically, it just starts as, so, what do you think about me? And then she asked the same thing, and I just. I was just honest with her, and we had the same interest in each other. So.

[Jeff]

So.

[Bert]

So she was sort of lukewarm about the whole thing. You were sensing that, and you're like. You were lukewarm also. So you said, let's just be friends then.

[Jesse]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Jen]

All right.

[Jesse]

You know, I mean, there's. There's really no point in trying to waste any more time. Okay.

[Wendy]

He's trying to find a good girl. He doesn't care about looks, anything else.

[Bert]

That's what he said.

[Wendy]

He's a good girl.

[Bert]

You're a good Christian guy. The looks things not important to you. The sex thing is not important to you. And that's not what you're interested in. You're interested in a woman with more substance. Right?

[Jesse]

Exactly.

[Bert]

Okay. That's so hard to believe. Jeff$mm. Which part? Which part?

[Jeff]

I. I just find it. There are a couple places where this story just seems unbelievable to me. So usually in my BSO meter, if you've got one thing where I believe because I've learned to believe things that I never thought would be believable, listening to people who call this show. But the first time, when he says, do you want to study? And then she responds with, do you want to take me on a date? That's kind of unbelievable. But cool. It could happen, right?

[Jen]

It's possible.

[Jeff]

And then they go to the.

[Bert]

Here's why I believe that part of the story is right. Just before you go on is that he sent us a picture of the 15, and he sent us a picture of himself. And in looking at her, I don't think there's that much of a discrepancy between the two of them. Right. So the fact that he was shocked that she said, let's go out on a date doesn't surprise me that much because she's not that much better looking of a woman than he is a dude. Right.

[Jen]

He just perceived it that way.

[Bert]

You think?

[Jeff]

Yes. Allow me to propose this hypothesized thing. Allow my hypothesize myself. I am shocked. And then just adding to the unbelievability in my mind of the whole thing. Did I say that word really slow?

[Wendy]

Yes.

[Bert]

Yeah. I think you might have had a minor stroke.

[Jeff]

The fact that they are on the same scale and she might not be the 15 that we were expecting shocks me somewhat that she would have the confidence to say, you want to ask me On a date. Because generally speaking, maybe she's in who she is. And then they go to the cheese place and they have their dinner and everything. And then at the end of that, they have a conversation about the future of the relationship. It just seems very. Arranged marriage in Mumbai.

[Bert]

It's an anomaly for sure. But if the story's true, then the story is true.

[Jeff]

You're an anomaly.

[Bert]

I showed you guys her picture yesterday, right?

[Jen]

Right. Oh, I didn't see this. Okay.

[Bert]

This is who Jesse thought was a 15.

[Jen]

Awesome.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Jen]

She's a beautiful girl.

[Jeff]

And that is who we thought was Jesse for a minute.

[Jen]

Oh, that's why you were shocked at first. You were like, that's Jesse.

[Bert]

Well, Tracy just. I mean, he sent that picture and Tracy didn't want to call him back and go, are you sure this is you? Because you look really feminine. You look like a woman.

[Jen]

She has like long brown hair. She has glasses on. Cute, pretty smile.

[Bert]

Yeah, she's cute, you know? So then he sent a picture of himself.

[Jesse]

And you're how old right now? I'm 20.

[Bert]

20 years old right now.

[Jeff]

How old were you last year?

[Jesse]

Strange way to answer last year. Well, I was 19 for part of the year and 20 for the other part.

[Wendy]

Okay.

[Bert]

When do you turn 21?

[Jesse]

I turned 21 June 12th.

[Bert]

And I'm assuming you're not a drinker.

[Jesse]

No, not like really a drinker.

[Bert]

Okay. And this is the picture of Jesse that will go up on our website if you want to take a look at him.

[Wendy]

Okay.

[Bert]

All right. First I want to tell you that you're. You're. You're not the four that you say that you are.

[Jen]

You're definitely not the four.

[Bert]

Yeah. I mean, Wendy, if she got a hold of you over a weekend, she could boosh you out so badly. You'd be the hottest dude.

[Wendy]

I'll give you some hair gel.

[Jeff]

I would actually be. I would be entertained to see that. Have Wendy give him a booshover, like a makeover. That would be fun.

[Jen]

Jesse, would you be up for that?

[Jesse]

Sure.

[Jeff]

You can go through Wendy's bouch o matic.

[Jesse]

Okay.

[Bert]

He's not a bad looking kid, right? Yeah. So you got to get past that dude. You got this image thing going on that you're not a good. You're not a four.

[Jesse]

Okay.

[Bert]

You're not. You're a decent looking dude, man.

[Jesse]

Well, thank you.

[Jeff]

What would you rank them, Bert?

[Bert]

I'd say you're a six plus man.

[Jeff]

Seven.

[Bert]

Six plus. Close to a seven. Seven is average, right?

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Yeah. Six plus. Seven. You're not a four, dude.

[Jeff]

Six. Seven. Seven.

[Beth]

Five.

[Jen]

Wait till Wendy gets a hold of him.

[Wendy]

Yeah, I know.

[Jen]

Put him in some designer jeans, get

[Wendy]

you an airbrush tan.

[Jen]

We talking like the Jersey Shore?

[Bert]

So what is Jesse all about? You said you're a Christian. You go to church every Sunday?

[Jesse]

Oh, yeah, that's guaranteed.

[Bert]

Tell us more about. Because we got a whole bunch of emails and calls from women that are like, that's the kind of guy I'm looking for.

[Jesse]

Okay, well, what do you guys want to know? I mean, I'm currently enrolled in college. I'm working on my degree in criminal justice. Tried to get into the military earlier in my life and that didn't work out due to some medical reasons. So I figured I'd do the next best thing and be a police officer.

[Jen]

Cool.

[Jesse]

I don't know. I pretty much like everything. There's nothing that I won't at least try to do. I like all kinds of movies. I don't know. You guys ask me questions. I'll tell you what you want to know.

[Bert]

What's a typical Friday or Saturday night like for you?

[Jesse]

Well, for the past. Since February of last year, typical Friday night is sitting at home watching tv.

[Bert]

We don't want that for you.

[Wendy]

No. What do you look for in a girl? Like, what are you looking for?

[Jesse]

Honesty is the very most important thing. Followed closely by a Christian background, Christian beliefs.

[Jeff]

Do you like large boobs or small?

[Jesse]

Honestly, I don't really have a preference.

[Bert]

Boobs are irrelevant. You are an anomaly.

[Jeff]

You're an ass man, huh?

[Jesse]

No, not really.

[Jen]

See, Jeff, he's a nice, respectful boy.

[Bert]

He thinks a little deeper than you do. Okay, not about the TNA for him.

[Jen]

Damn.

[Jesse]

It's about the relationship, man.

[Wendy]

See, Personality.

[Jen]

Just focus on that. Maybe you'd have a better relationship.

[Bert]

You're not really selling yourself in this huge way that I was hoping that you were gonna sell. Man, I don't feel like I know anything else about you.

[Jesse]

Well, what do you want to know? I mean, I don't really know how to sell myself. You help me out, guy.

[Bert]

You ever had your heart broken?

[Jesse]

Yes. Yes.

[Bert]

Tell us about it.

[Jesse]

Oh, that was horrible.

[Wendy]

What happened?

[Jesse]

Started going out with this really nice girl who claimed she was a Christian. And she just was really nice at the very beginning. Really liked her. And as time progressed, she slowly started to change until she ended up cheating on me with her ex.

[Bert]

So do you sometimes get labeled as the too nice guy? Like, girls look at you and they put you right into the friend zone.

[Jesse]

It's happened before. I try to stay out of the friend zone if possible, but it usually ends up there.

[Bert]

Mm hmm. I got this email that I gotta read later on from a woman that insists that you shouldn't date Christian guys.

[Jen]

What?

[Wendy]

Really?

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Beth]

Why is that?

[Bert]

I won't have time to cover it right now. She's got a whole list of reasons.

[Jeff]

Is that when I forwarded you yesterday?

[Bert]

Yeah, we all got it.

[Jeff]

That's crazy.

[Bert]

She's had a bad time with Christian guys and says do not do it.

[Jen]

So she's after the Jews.

[Bert]

I'm not sure.

[Jen]

Wow.

[Bert]

But I'll read it later.

[Jen]

I think Jesse seems like a sweet guy. I mean, he just seems. He seems like. I don't want to use the word simple, but he just seems like he's like cool to get along in any sort of situation and ready to roll.

[Jeff]

Well, you're single and have kind of pedophilia tendencies these days.

[Jen]

I do not.

[Jeff]

Cougar.

[Jen]

First of all, you cannot be a cougar until you're 40.

[Bert]

That's not true, puma. Yes, it is.

[Jen]

I'm a puma if that's the case. But I wouldn't date anybody. 20.

[Jeff]

Jesse, you think you can handle a little hobby?

[Jen]

Jessie is far too young for me.

[Jeff]

She's a good Christian girl.

[Bert]

You couldn't keep up with Jen hobby? I couldn't have this.

[Jeff]

She has the tangle.

[Wendy]

She'd be in a scary situation.

[Bert]

You'd be so sc.

[Jeff]

She keeps commandments.

[Jesse]

Keep up with me.

[Jen]

Oh, I think you're right. I think you're right, Jesse.

[Bert]

Hey, Beth, help me out here.

[Beth]

Hey guys, listen, we have questions for him. I'm married, so I'm currently. I'm not looking for anyone today, but I have friends that are. And I mean, they want to know how policy does he. Is he into sports? I mean, does he have a favorite team? Those are the things that they want to know.

[Jeff]

Saints.

[Beth]

What?

[Wendy]

Jesse, do you like sports? Jesse? Jesse, do you like sports?

[Jesse]

Do I like sports? Yes. For the most part. I'm not a big sports activist aside from mountain biking and skateboarding and things like that. I like to try to keep active as possible.

[Bert]

I think we're gonna have to do. We'll have him write a profile and we'll put it up online.

[Wendy]

Like one of those online dating profiles?

[Bert]

Yeah. There you go. Okay, maybe you can take one. Would you help us with this, Wendy? Like the next time you're on eharmony, will you just print off one of those applications that I know that you spent a lot of time on.

[Jeff]

Let me tell you, Wendy's not a me Harmony girl. She's a Craigslist lady.

[Bert]

Of course, Casual encounters. So we'll. We'll send that to you, and then we'll put it up there with your picture. And if there are women that still want to go out with you, man, then we'll set this thing up for you, dude.

[Jesse]

Okay, sounds great.

[Bert]

All right, Jesse, have a good weekend watching tv, and we'll talk to you next week, man.

[Jesse]

All right, you too, guys.

[Bert]

Okay, bye. Bye. Yeah, this email that I got from this virtual listener said, do not date Christian men, no matter what.

[Jen]

That's weird.

[Bert]

Christian guys. I'll read the whole thing later. Christian guys are the pickiest, harshest judges of women I've ever known. As a Christian woman, let me tell you more. My theory is that these men are waiting for this angel that they have in their head. She says, stay away from Christian guys. Wow. Read it to you guys in a little bit. Listen, it's the virtue.