Vault: Can they keep their in-show resolutions?

Summary

The Bert Show — "Vault: Can they keep their in-show resolutions?"

Episode Date: June 5, 2026
Host & Cast: Bert, Jessica, Josh, others

Overview

In this lively episode, The Bert Show team kicks off a new set of in-show New Year's resolutions—live on air. It’s a humorous, self-aware exploration of how tough it is to stick to resolutions, even among friends and co-hosts who spend hours together every day. The group sets “rules” meant to boost professionalism and fun, only to find themselves immediately breaking several—much to their own amusement. As they self-police their behavior and recall past show hijinks, listeners get a peek into the camaraderie and chaos that defines The Bert Show.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introducing the In-Show Resolutions

• [01:01–01:39]
  • Jessica announces the team is starting their New Year’s resolutions: "All right, so today we start our Bert Show's New Year's resolutions. We're gonna see how long these will last."
  • Bert admits they've probably already broken them: "We're no different than you guys ... they'll be broken within, if not three hours, then three weeks."

2. The Resolutions Themselves

• [01:57–04:17]
  • No cussing (immediately broken on air).
  • No paper wads (throwing or tossing crumpled paper in the studio).
  • No suggestive language off air.
  • Back in studio before the mics come on.
  • 10:30 meeting start time.
• Everyone laughs about already breaking most of them just minutes into the experiment.

3. Roasting Themselves for Failing Fast

• [01:58–02:13]
  • Bert and Josh catch themselves swearing about malfunctioning pens.
    • Bert: "Are there any effing pens that work in the studio?" [02:01]
    • Jessica: "20 pens here, and none of them work. Okay, guilty." [02:07]
• [02:14–02:27]
  • The crew jokes about their “suggestive language” rule, turning it into a mock-confession about their Saturday night.
    • Jessica (jokingly): "Did you guys get sexual with each other?" [02:24]
    • Bert (deadpan): "Yeah, we did. Nice." [02:26]

4. Resolution Policing & Scorekeeping

• [03:42–04:46]
  • The group debates putting a dollar in a jar for every broken rule, but quickly abandons it—reference to a long-standing, lighthearted rivalry with Melissa about show bets.
  • Jessica proposes scorekeeping: "If it's not gonna cost us a dollar, then we could at least keep score. Cause bragging rights in here means everything." [04:33]
  • Natalie is tasked as the informal “scorekeeper/referee.”

5. Making Humiliation a Show Bit

• [04:48–05:03]
  • Josh suggests that breaking a rule off-air shouldn’t count unless it’s called out on-air for maximum humiliation.
    • Bert: "We really like to be humiliated on the air." [05:00]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Immediately Failing:
  • Bert: "The first resolution is there's gonna be no reminders of the resolution. We're gonna go into this knowing that we've already broken. So we're resetting." [01:32]
• On the Cussing Ban:
  • Josh: "I didn't. Burt did." [01:10]
  • Bert: "Are there any effing pens that work in the studio?" [02:01]
• On Suggestive Talk:
  • Jessica: "Did you guys get sexual with each other?" [02:24]
  • Bert: "Yeah, we did. Nice." [02:26]
• On the Pen Jar/Bets:
  • Jessica: "Are we putting a dollar in for every resolution that we bust?" [03:42]
  • Bert: "Melissa will lose her mind." [03:46]
• On Scorekeeping:
  • Jessica: "If it's not gonna cost us a dollar, then we could at least keep score. Cause bragging rights in here means everything." [04:33]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:01] – Introduction to the “in-show resolutions” concept
• [01:57] – The first list of resolutions (No cussing, no reminders, etc.)
• [02:01] – Cussing already happens on-air
• [02:24] – The rule about suggestive language devolves into innuendo
• [03:42] – Discussion about whether to penalize each broken rule with monetary fines
• [04:33] – Decision to keep score for bragging rights instead
• [04:48] – How broken resolutions will be called out live on-air

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Summary Tone and Atmosphere

The episode is laid-back, irreverent, and driven by the natural playful banter of the co-hosts. There’s a lot of laughter and self-deprecation as the team both sets and immediately sabotages its own goals, with plenty of inside jokes and teasing. The “resolutions” are mostly for laughs and foster the on-air camaraderie and authenticity that listeners expect from the show.

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Takeaways

• The Bert Show’s attempt at live-on-air self-improvement is instantly undercut by their own hilarious self-sabotage.
• Even radio pros can’t keep a straight face about resolutions—and that’s the whole point.
• Listeners get a behind-the-scenes feel for the show’s real dynamics, their willingness to turn failures into comedy, and the friendly rivalries that fuel the fun.

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Perfect for: Fans who love unscripted, genuine crew interactions and want a laugh about how hard it is to keep even the simplest resolutions. This episode embodies The Bert Show’s spirit: authentic, funny, and always willing to share their own “failures” for entertainment.

Transcript

[Bert]

What's up, everybody?

[Bretzky]

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[Jessica]

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[Jessica]

The Bert Show. All right, so today we start our Bert Shows New Year's resolutions. We're gonna see how long these will last.

[Josh]

We might have already screwed them up.

[Jessica]

Yeah, we did.

[Josh]

I didn't. Burt did.

[Jessica]

Well, it was more of a toss than it wasn't.

[Josh]

Bert threw a paper wad.

[Jessica]

Can we agree. Can we agree that they start right now since we're reminding each other about it?

[Josh]

Yeah, it has to start with the reminder because I forget what all of them were.

[Jessica]

Me too.

[Bert]

But we did say, though.

[Josh]

You said we wouldn't remind her. Yeah, we wouldn't remind each other.

[Bert]

Here they are.

[Josh]

Okay, well, that resolution's been broken.

[Bert]

Yeah. The first resolution is there's gonna be no reminders of the resolution. We're gonna go into this knowing that we've already broken. So we're resetting.

[Jessica]

We figured we're no different than you guys that will set these. These sort of in show resolutions, and they'll be broken within, if not three hours, then three weeks.

[Bert]

So the first one is already broken. I know that. Bert and I both broke the first one already.

[Josh]

What's the first one?

[Bert]

No cussing.

[Josh]

Oh, we did.

[Jessica]

Mm.

[Josh]

We did.

[Bert]

Are there any effing pens that work in the studio?

[Josh]

Oh, you just did that one, too.

[Jessica]

It's so frustrating. 20 pens here, and none of them work. Okay, guilty.

[Bert]

And then.

[Josh]

That's fantastic.

[Jessica]

We're 32 minutes into the show.

[Bert]

Suggestive language was one that.

[Josh]

I think we ruined that when we talked about our Saturday night.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Jessica]

Did you guys get sexual with each other?

[Bert]

Yeah, we did. Nice.

[Jessica]

It was a matter of time. Is that your little. You were really showing him how thankful you were he was back.

[Josh]

Yeah. Jessica was sealing right there. It was crazy. She carries such a wild night.

[Bert]

Jen has a Pez dispenser filled with roofies.

[Josh]

And so I take it out with me every weekend. Where can I get one of those?

[Bert]

The paper wads. Which I guess. Bert, you broke. I didn't see it, but you threw paper at Wendy.

[Jessica]

No, Josh just came in here. It was more of a touch. It was a catch. It wasn't a. Nope. It was a catch.

[Sherwin Williams Announcer]

Nope.

[Josh]

You tossed it.

[Bert]

Was it unfolded or was it crumpled?

[Jessica]

Crumpled.

[Bert]

Then it's a paperweg. Back in studio before the mics come on. Which I don't think any of us, but we really haven't had a chance

[Jessica]

to mess that one up yet.

[Josh]

You.

[Jessica]

But I think you were doing 11O'.

[Sherwin Williams Announcer]

Clive.

[Bert]

11 alive doesn't count.

[Josh]

Skype doesn't count. But everything else does.

[Bert]

Like making a pee pee or poo poo.

[Josh]

Oh, my gosh.

[Bert]

You're gonna be late at making a stick. And then starting the meeting right at 10:30, which we won't know until Bert walks in at 10:40 today.

[Jessica]

That's awesome. Okay. And then did we decide that we were putting a dollar in? A dollar for every.

[Josh]

That's not even a dollar. Best commercial ever. I love that.

[Jessica]

Are we putting a dollar in for every resolution that we bust?

[Josh]

That was a quarter. No.

[Bert]

Melissa will lose her mind.

[Jessica]

Okay?

[Josh]

She's out sick today, so we could make it each day, but when she comes back, she's not going to put in any money.

[Bert]

No.

[Jessica]

She is a yes.

[Bert]

She lost like three $10 bets in a row, like in 2004, and has never let us forget. Jen Hobby jumped out of a cake in her underwear once. Melissa is like, really? Because I lost 30 bucks in the football season. 04.05.

[Jessica]

So no cussing, no paper wads. 10:30 meeting and suggestive language off the air.

[Bert]

And back in studio.

[Jessica]

And back in studio, which you don't

[Bert]

have to worry about, really. Because you have to be here.

[Jessica]

Right? That one will hit you guys harder than it's gonna hit me. Okay, we're good.

[Bert]

But I just think it's gonna be interesting, you know? Natalie, did you hear all those. Will you hold on to these? Cause she'll be the one to call us. Cause we'll forget.

[Jessica]

We can at least keep a score. If it's not gonna cost us a dollar, then we could at least keep score. Cause bragging rights in here means everything.

[Bert]

It's not even a dollar. And I think as soon as, as soon as one of those happens, Natalie,

[Josh]

here's what you do.

[Bert]

If you notice, like if we're off the air and one of us cusses or something, don' but then when Burt turns on the microphones to whatever, just walk up to the mic and just stand at the mic and he'll know that you have to call one of us out.

[Jessica]

Good enough.

[Bert]

But don't do any of it off the air. We really like to be humiliated on the air.

[Josh]

It'd be great.

[Jessica]

Hey, the Burt Show.

[Bluff]

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