Vault: Can this caller choose between his wife and his mistress?

Summary

The Bert Show Episode Summary
Episode: Vault: Can this caller choose between his wife and his mistress?
Date: May 5, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show revolves around a listener, Tom, who is caught in a painful love triangle: stuck in an unfulfilling marriage but romantically involved with another woman. The cast tackles Tom’s dilemma head-on, delivering frank, sometimes tough-love advice about infidelity, relationship responsibility, and the necessity of making difficult decisions for personal happiness and familial well-being. The tone remains witty, direct, and honest throughout as the crew and an outspoken listener call out the caller's avoidance and urge him toward decisive action.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Background of Tom’s Situation

• [01:43] Tom explains that after 10 years of marriage, he met another woman at work, began with flirting and lunches before escalating to an affair. His marriage has been emotionally and physically distant for quite some time.
• The affair partner is now showing up at Tom's son's school and soccer games and making herself more visible—causing concern that the truth might come out.

2. Why Tom Feels Trapped

• [03:39] Tom insists he's trying to protect his wife; he claims he doesn’t want to hurt her, even though he’s becoming increasingly anxious about losing his family if the truth emerges.
• He’s torn between wanting the emotional high from the affair and not wanting to disrupt his family or lose his kids, especially as his wife has said if he leaves, she’ll make seeing his children difficult ([03:59]).

3. The Cast’s Reactions: Accountability and Tough Love

• Melissa ([05:11]): "You’ve made this bed. You know what I mean?...Anytime somebody says, 'Oh, I just fell into this affair,' no, you didn’t. You worked on that affair for six months before anything happened."
• Jeff and Jen repeatedly urge Tom to make a choice—either work on the marriage or leave, but he cannot have both.
• [04:32] Jeff: “There’s no way anybody can help you until you decide what you're gonna do...You can’t do both.”

4. Assessment of the Affair Partner

• Tom pushes for advice on whether his affair partner is “psycho,” worried about her behavior as she gets closer to his family ([05:59], [08:04]).
• Jen, [08:17]: "I think her going to your kid's school is proof that she wants more out of this than you're willing to give her."
• Melissa ([08:22]): "My concern is you're going to marriage counseling with your wife and still having the affair on the side. You can’t even do that."

5. Call-Ins and Listener Advice

• [06:23] Kim (caller): “You need to either man up and get the heck out of your marriage...or you need to get rid of your little girlfriend and make your marriage work. This is the problem with society nowadays—people want their cake and eat it, too.”

6. Moving Forward – What Tom Should Do

• [07:49] Tom reveals he and his wife have scheduled a marriage counseling appointment, indicating a potential desire to repair things.
• Jen ([08:45]): “Before you spend 200 bucks an hour on your counselor, you should probably dump this girl.”
• Melissa ([08:59]): “You’re waiting for other people to make the choice for you because you don’t want to make the choice yourself.”
• The core advice from the cast: Tom must make a decision and act—staying in limbo is harmful to all involved.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Melissa [05:11]: “Anytime somebody says, 'Oh, I just fell into this affair,' no, you didn’t. You worked on that affair for six months before anything happened.”
• Jeff [04:32]: “You can’t do both.”
• Kim (caller) [06:25]: “You need to either man up and get the heck out of your marriage...or you need to get rid of your little girlfriend and make your marriage work.”
• Burt [07:18]: “The girlfriend that you have on the side, she doesn't...she just seems to me to be the symptom.”
• Jen [08:45]: “Before you spend 200 bucks an hour on your counselor, you should probably dump this girl.”
• Jeff [09:27]: "Psycho is like a fresh box of crayons. All kinds of 64, different colors."

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Important Segment Timestamps

• 01:40–02:58: Tom explains his situation and affair
• 03:34–04:49: Cast discusses Tom’s motivations and fears about losing his kids
• 05:11–05:55: Melissa’s tough-love on accountability; advice to make a decision
• 06:23–06:48: Listener Kim calls in and delivers blunt advice
• 07:49–08:32: Tom discusses marriage counseling plans; Melissa and Jen urge him to end the affair first
• 09:10–09:17: Cast recaps: "Make a choice. You can’t do both."

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Conclusion

The episode serves as a candid case study in relationship crisis and indecision, with The Bert Show’s cast and a passionate listener delivering no-nonsense recommendations. Their key message: You can’t have it both ways—take responsibility, choose a path, and follow through, rather than waiting for circumstances to force your hand. Tom’s reluctance to choose is called out several times, underscoring the universal challenge of facing up to painful truths in love and family life.

Transcript

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[Burt]

to be on the Voice Disguiser. We were just talking about this Steve Phillips dude. You probably don't know his name unless you're a big old sports fan, but he is an analyst for ESPN. It's 46 years old and he was having an affair with a 22 year old who just, I mean, called him out big time, showed up to his house with a letter, ended up befriending his 16 year old son on MySpace and got all sorts of personal information about the family. Identified birthmarks on her husband. In the letter she's saying that she really cares about this guy and maybe the wife should leave him and she wants to be with them. Let's just be. It's a sticky mess. What's up, Tom?

[Caller]

What's going on, Burt?

[Burt]

You tell us.

[Caller]

I was wondering if you guys can help me out with trying to give me some kind of advice.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Caller]

I've been married to the same woman for 10 years. I work in a construction field and about a year ago on one of the job sites I met a concierge that we were flirting for four or five months. We went to lunch a couple of times and we went on a date and then we had. I can't say it's a one night stand because we've been on a couple of dates before. And then one thing led to another and we got romantically involved. I do like this woman and like I said, I've been with my wife for a long time, but me and my wife haven't seen eye to eye in years and I gave her plenty of opportunity. I said, if you really don't love me, why don't you just pack your bags and leave? Or I'll pack my bags and leave. And she goes, no, no, no, we can work this out, but it's been months since we've been romantically involved at all. And being that I'm a man and man does have some kind of needs, I. I didn't mean to venture somewhere else, but it just so happened to do that. And I really like this girl, but now she's on doing stuff behind my back to try to get my wife to find out. And I don't want to lose this girl as a friend because she does make me feel like a man.

[Burt]

All right, so she, the one that you're having an affair with, is now starting to just tell your wife or.

[Caller]

No, she's innuendo. She's going to my son's school. Oh, my son knows her.

[Jen]

How does he know her?

[Caller]

We went on a company picnic and she was there and I just introduce them. This is blah, blah, blah. And he hung out with her son and they started playing. They became friends.

[Jen]

So he knows her just as a friend of yours from work, but not as a girlfriend?

[Caller]

Yes. And now she's showing up in school and I pick up my son. She's showing up. Oh, I just happen to be in the neighborhood. I knew you were picking up your son. I just wanted to say hello, so.

[Jen]

Oh, boy.

[Burt]

Who are you trying to protect here? Are you trying to protect your wife or are you trying to protect the friend?

[Caller]

I'm trying to protect my wife. Because even though. Even though my wife says you can pack your bags, even though I told my wife she can pack her bags and she doesn't want to leave me, she says our family's more important than anything.

[Jeff]

And what do you want?

[Caller]

I want to be happy.

[Jeff]

Which is in which direction?

[Caller]

I really don't know. Because if I leave my wife, she's pretty much told me to my face, if you leave me, you're not going to see your kids. Even though I know it's impossible, there's laws that. That'll protect me. So I can't see my kids, but she'll make it a real hard time for me.

[Burt]

Yeah, that's gonna get sticky. The thing that scares me more than anything here is that you're saying that this woman is showing up at kids school and stuff like that.

[Caller]

She's not psycho though. She's not. I can tell you that's a little crazy.

[Jeff]

Her kid and his kid are friends at school.

[Jen]

Yeah, that's tough.

[Caller]

But she's never usually picked them up. Now he takes a bus, her son takes a bus home.

[Jeff]

There's no way anybody can help you until you decide what you're gonna do. You've got to just make a decision. Are you gonna stay with your wife and your family and try to work it out and try to rekindle that romance, you know, and be sure you guys are both getting your needs met and you can figure it out, or you're gonna go. You can't do both.

[Burt]

You won out. I mean, it just sounds like you won out.

[Caller]

I won out, but I don't want to lose my family and I don't want my kids to hate me.

[Jen]

Well, that's why you have. You just hang up or somebody else. Okay. Yeah, that's why you have lawyers. I mean, if you want out, you gotta go to your lawyer and you gotta lay it all out and you gotta bury your. And you got to hope the guy's good.

[Burt]

Melissa, what's the condescending look for?

[Melissa]

Well, I mean, I'm being consistent because I feel like. Well, I mean, you've made this bed. You know what I mean? Like, it's the same with the ESPN guy. I mean, you've been having this affair for a while, been married to your wife for a while, and you've had both for a while, and now it's imploding and you're confused. I mean, I agree with Jen. You gotta make a choice. You can't have both. And you've been trying to have both, and you're trying to protect yourself is who you're trying to protect. But you've been lying to your wife, and you knew what you were getting into when you started flirting with the woman for a few months. I mean, anytime somebody says, oh, I just fell into this affair. No, you didn't. You worked on that affair for six months before anything happened. So you. You. You took yourself down this path. So, I mean, I don't know what advice you want.

[Burt]

There's no easy way out. This is going to be ugly one way or the other.

[Melissa]

You made a choice, and now the repercussions are here, and so you got to face them.

[Caller]

But in your opinion, what defined psycho?

[Melissa]

You. I mean, you. You can't blame her for. I mean, and I don't mean to be harsh. I just think that it is. It. It is ridiculous for. For me to. To have sympathy for anyone who's trying to get the best at a situation for themselves. And, you know, you're hurting people in the process.

[Burt]

Here comes Kim. Hey, Kim. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Kim]

Hi.

[Caller]

I just wanted to let him know

[Kim]

he's making me really really mad. You need to either man up and get the heck out of your marriage, because obviously you're not happy, which means your wife and your kids are miserable because the household is not happy, or you need to get rid of your little girlfriend and make your marriage work. This is the problem with society nowadays. People won't go and take care of their business. They want their cake and eat it, too.

[Burt]

You're saying you're not getting.

[Caller]

Because I been with my wife a long time, and I just. This is the first time this has ever happened to me. It's not like I've done this before. When I was dating, I used to cheat on my girlfriends. This is the first time it's ever happened to me. I'm honestly one of those first callers that actually call you for some advice. I'm not.

[Burt]

Yeah, I mean, I think. I think what you're hearing is. I think you probably know that you got to do one thing or the other at this point. Do you want to be with your wife and make it work, or do you want to be free?

[Caller]

The.

[Burt]

The girlfriend that you have on the side, she doesn't. She just seems to me to be the symptom. It's just like, do you want to be in this relationship or do you want to be free? What do you want to do? Because you're going to. I think women and guys threaten that you'll never see the kids again, and in some cases, they make it really, really difficult for you. But chances are pretty good you're going to see your kids and things are going to be okay that way. What do you want to do? You want to stay in the house? You want to take off? Do it.

[Caller]

I gotcha.

[Jeff]

And I think you can do some soul searching and go get some counseling about it, too.

[Caller]

Yeah, I've already tried. Started doing that. And me and my wife, we have an appointment. This year's marriage counselor.

[Burt]

You have been, or you just have the appointment?

[Caller]

We have the appointment.

[Burt]

You have the appointment. Well, sounds like you want to work on the relationship. Do it, man.

[Caller]

I just want. I just want to. If you can define. Besides me, define psycho.

[Melissa]

But you can't. We're not.

[Caller]

If I do break up things with this girl, is there a sign that would tell me that she's.

[Jen]

I think her going to your kid's school is proof that she wants more out of this than you're willing to give her.

[Melissa]

I don't know why you're diverting it, because. Are you afraid that she's going to get but my concern is you're going to marriage counseling with your wife and still having the affair on the side. You can't. You can't even do that. You know you can't do that. That's not going to work.

[Jen]

Oh, my God. What a great concept. Marriage counseling and affair counseling, where you could go with your mistress.

[Caller]

Or once we obligate ourselves to the marriage counsel, I'm gonna try to make it work. I'm not that much of a moron.

[Jen]

Well, before you start spending money, before you spend 200 bucks an hour on your counselor, you should probably dump this girl.

[Burt]

I think that's really good advice, Jeff. I do. It's common sense, man. You're not a dumb dude. Come on. You know what's going on.

[Melissa]

You're waiting for other people to make the choice for you because you don't want to make the choice yourself. And that's the consistent advice that Jen's given. I've given, Bert's given the callers get. I mean, make a choice. That's what everybody's saying. You can't do both.

[Burt]

Do the right thing. And you're not gonna.

[Caller]

I just want you guys to know that I'm not. It's not. And I appreciate you guys very much, okay?

[Burt]

And if you're looking for an answer on what psycho is, we can't answer that because psycho has so many faces. So, I mean, at this point, you're not going to know until you break up with her what psycho looks like.

[Jeff]

Psycho is like a fresh box of crayons. All kinds of 64, different colors.

[Jen]

The Birch Show.

[Tom]

I sold my car in Carvana last night.

[Melissa]

Well, that's cool.

[Tom]

No, you don't understand. It went perfectly. Real offer down to the penny. They're picking it up tomorrow. Nothing went wrong.

[Caller]

So what's the problem?

[Tom]

That is the problem. Nothing in my life goes as smoothly. I'm waiting for the catch.

[Caller]

Maybe there's no catch.

[Tom]

That's exactly what a catch would want me to think.

[Caller]

Wow. You need to relax.

[Tom]

I need to knock on wood. Do we have wood? Is this table wood?

[Caller]

I think it's laminate.

[Tom]

Okay. Yeah, that's good. That's close enough.

[Radio Announcer]

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