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Burt
to be on the Voice Disguiser. We were just talking about this Steve Phillips dude. You probably don't know his name unless you're a big old sports fan, but he is an analyst for ESPN. It's 46 years old and he was having an affair with a 22 year old who just, I mean, called him out big time, showed up to his house with a letter, ended up befriending his 16 year old son on MySpace and got all sorts of personal information about the family. Identified birthmarks on her husband. In the letter she's saying that she really cares about this guy and maybe the wife should leave him and she wants to be with them. Let's just be. It's a sticky mess. What's up, Tom?
Caller
What's going on, Burt?
Burt
You tell us.
Caller
I was wondering if you guys can help me out with trying to give me some kind of advice.
Melissa
Okay.
Caller
I've been married to the same woman for 10 years. I work in a construction field and about a year ago on one of the job sites I met a concierge that we were flirting for four or five months. We went to lunch a couple of times and we went on a date and then we had. I can't say it's a one night stand because we've been on a couple of dates before. And then one thing led to another and we got romantically involved. I do like this woman and like I said, I've been with my wife for a long time, but me and my wife haven't seen eye to eye in years and I gave her plenty of opportunity. I said, if you really don't love me, why don't you just pack your bags and leave? Or I'll pack my bags and leave. And she goes, no, no, no, we can work this out, but it's been months since we've been romantically involved at all. And being that I'm a man and man does have some kind of needs, I. I didn't mean to venture somewhere else, but it just so happened to do that. And I really like this girl, but now she's on doing stuff behind my back to try to get my wife to find out. And I don't want to lose this girl as a friend because she does make me feel like a man.
Burt
All right, so she, the one that you're having an affair with, is now starting to just tell your wife or.
Caller
No, she's innuendo. She's going to my son's school. Oh, my son knows her.
Jen
How does he know her?
Caller
We went on a company picnic and she was there and I just introduce them. This is blah, blah, blah. And he hung out with her son and they started playing. They became friends.
Jen
So he knows her just as a friend of yours from work, but not as a girlfriend?
Caller
Yes. And now she's showing up in school and I pick up my son. She's showing up. Oh, I just happen to be in the neighborhood. I knew you were picking up your son. I just wanted to say hello, so.
Jen
Oh, boy.
Burt
Who are you trying to protect here? Are you trying to protect your wife or are you trying to protect the friend?
Caller
I'm trying to protect my wife. Because even though. Even though my wife says you can pack your bags, even though I told my wife she can pack her bags and she doesn't want to leave me, she says our family's more important than anything.
Jeff
And what do you want?
Caller
I want to be happy.
Jeff
Which is in which direction?
Caller
I really don't know. Because if I leave my wife, she's pretty much told me to my face, if you leave me, you're not going to see your kids. Even though I know it's impossible, there's laws that. That'll protect me. So I can't see my kids, but she'll make it a real hard time for me.
Burt
Yeah, that's gonna get sticky. The thing that scares me more than anything here is that you're saying that this woman is showing up at kids school and stuff like that.
Caller
She's not psycho though. She's not. I can tell you that's a little crazy.
Jeff
Her kid and his kid are friends at school.
Jen
Yeah, that's tough.
Caller
But she's never usually picked them up. Now he takes a bus, her son takes a bus home.
Jeff
There's no way anybody can help you until you decide what you're gonna do. You've got to just make a decision. Are you gonna stay with your wife and your family and try to work it out and try to rekindle that romance, you know, and be sure you guys are both getting your needs met and you can figure it out, or you're gonna go. You can't do both.
Burt
You won out. I mean, it just sounds like you won out.
Caller
I won out, but I don't want to lose my family and I don't want my kids to hate me.
Jen
Well, that's why you have. You just hang up or somebody else. Okay. Yeah, that's why you have lawyers. I mean, if you want out, you gotta go to your lawyer and you gotta lay it all out and you gotta bury your. And you got to hope the guy's good.
Burt
Melissa, what's the condescending look for?
Melissa
Well, I mean, I'm being consistent because I feel like. Well, I mean, you've made this bed. You know what I mean? Like, it's the same with the ESPN guy. I mean, you've been having this affair for a while, been married to your wife for a while, and you've had both for a while, and now it's imploding and you're confused. I mean, I agree with Jen. You gotta make a choice. You can't have both. And you've been trying to have both, and you're trying to protect yourself is who you're trying to protect. But you've been lying to your wife, and you knew what you were getting into when you started flirting with the woman for a few months. I mean, anytime somebody says, oh, I just fell into this affair. No, you didn't. You worked on that affair for six months before anything happened. So you. You. You took yourself down this path. So, I mean, I don't know what advice you want.
Burt
There's no easy way out. This is going to be ugly one way or the other.
Melissa
You made a choice, and now the repercussions are here, and so you got to face them.
Caller
But in your opinion, what defined psycho?
Melissa
You. I mean, you. You can't blame her for. I mean, and I don't mean to be harsh. I just think that it is. It. It is ridiculous for. For me to. To have sympathy for anyone who's trying to get the best at a situation for themselves. And, you know, you're hurting people in the process.
Burt
Here comes Kim. Hey, Kim. Good Morning. You're on Q100.
Kim
Hi.
Caller
I just wanted to let him know
Kim
he's making me really really mad. You need to either man up and get the heck out of your marriage, because obviously you're not happy, which means your wife and your kids are miserable because the household is not happy, or you need to get rid of your little girlfriend and make your marriage work. This is the problem with society nowadays. People won't go and take care of their business. They want their cake and eat it, too.
Burt
You're saying you're not getting.
Caller
Because I been with my wife a long time, and I just. This is the first time this has ever happened to me. It's not like I've done this before. When I was dating, I used to cheat on my girlfriends. This is the first time it's ever happened to me. I'm honestly one of those first callers that actually call you for some advice. I'm not.
Burt
Yeah, I mean, I think. I think what you're hearing is. I think you probably know that you got to do one thing or the other at this point. Do you want to be with your wife and make it work, or do you want to be free?
Caller
The.
Burt
The girlfriend that you have on the side, she doesn't. She just seems to me to be the symptom. It's just like, do you want to be in this relationship or do you want to be free? What do you want to do? Because you're going to. I think women and guys threaten that you'll never see the kids again, and in some cases, they make it really, really difficult for you. But chances are pretty good you're going to see your kids and things are going to be okay that way. What do you want to do? You want to stay in the house? You want to take off? Do it.
Caller
I gotcha.
Jeff
And I think you can do some soul searching and go get some counseling about it, too.
Caller
Yeah, I've already tried. Started doing that. And me and my wife, we have an appointment. This year's marriage counselor.
Burt
You have been, or you just have the appointment?
Caller
We have the appointment.
Burt
You have the appointment. Well, sounds like you want to work on the relationship. Do it, man.
Caller
I just want. I just want to. If you can define. Besides me, define psycho.
Melissa
But you can't. We're not.
Caller
If I do break up things with this girl, is there a sign that would tell me that she's.
Jen
I think her going to your kid's school is proof that she wants more out of this than you're willing to give her.
Melissa
I don't know why you're diverting it, because. Are you afraid that she's going to get but my concern is you're going to marriage counseling with your wife and still having the affair on the side. You can't. You can't even do that. You know you can't do that. That's not going to work.
Jen
Oh, my God. What a great concept. Marriage counseling and affair counseling, where you could go with your mistress.
Caller
Or once we obligate ourselves to the marriage counsel, I'm gonna try to make it work. I'm not that much of a moron.
Jen
Well, before you start spending money, before you spend 200 bucks an hour on your counselor, you should probably dump this girl.
Burt
I think that's really good advice, Jeff. I do. It's common sense, man. You're not a dumb dude. Come on. You know what's going on.
Melissa
You're waiting for other people to make the choice for you because you don't want to make the choice yourself. And that's the consistent advice that Jen's given. I've given, Bert's given the callers get. I mean, make a choice. That's what everybody's saying. You can't do both.
Burt
Do the right thing. And you're not gonna.
Caller
I just want you guys to know that I'm not. It's not. And I appreciate you guys very much, okay?
Burt
And if you're looking for an answer on what psycho is, we can't answer that because psycho has so many faces. So, I mean, at this point, you're not going to know until you break up with her what psycho looks like.
Jeff
Psycho is like a fresh box of crayons. All kinds of 64, different colors.
Jen
The Birch Show.
Tom
I sold my car in Carvana last night.
Melissa
Well, that's cool.
Tom
No, you don't understand. It went perfectly. Real offer down to the penny. They're picking it up tomorrow. Nothing went wrong.
Caller
So what's the problem?
Tom
That is the problem. Nothing in my life goes as smoothly. I'm waiting for the catch.
Caller
Maybe there's no catch.
Tom
That's exactly what a catch would want me to think.
Caller
Wow. You need to relax.
Tom
I need to knock on wood. Do we have wood? Is this table wood?
Caller
I think it's laminate.
Tom
Okay. Yeah, that's good. That's close enough.
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The Bert Show Episode Summary
Episode: Vault: Can this caller choose between his wife and his mistress?
Date: May 5, 2026
This episode of The Bert Show revolves around a listener, Tom, who is caught in a painful love triangle: stuck in an unfulfilling marriage but romantically involved with another woman. The cast tackles Tom’s dilemma head-on, delivering frank, sometimes tough-love advice about infidelity, relationship responsibility, and the necessity of making difficult decisions for personal happiness and familial well-being. The tone remains witty, direct, and honest throughout as the crew and an outspoken listener call out the caller's avoidance and urge him toward decisive action.
The episode serves as a candid case study in relationship crisis and indecision, with The Bert Show’s cast and a passionate listener delivering no-nonsense recommendations. Their key message: You can’t have it both ways—take responsibility, choose a path, and follow through, rather than waiting for circumstances to force your hand. Tom’s reluctance to choose is called out several times, underscoring the universal challenge of facing up to painful truths in love and family life.