The Bert Show: Vault - Can You Fall in Love With an Object? The Truth About Objectum Sexuality

Date: March 30, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode dives into the world of objectum sexuality—a phenomenon where individuals experience romantic and/or sexual attraction to inanimate objects. The Bert Show team reacts in real-time to stories featured on mainstream media and from listeners, exploring the authenticity, psychology, and emotional complexities of these unique relationships. Through a mix of incredulity, humor, and open-minded curiosity, the hosts share some of the most unusual real-life examples of objectum sexuality, examining what draws people to bond with bridges, cars, and even the Berlin Wall.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introduction to Objectum Sexuality

• [00:52] The hosts warn listeners that the subject matter is more adult-oriented and may be difficult to explain even for adults.
• The episode is sparked by a Good Morning America segment about people who are attracted not to humans, but to objects.

2. Good Morning America Segment Recap

• [01:22 – 02:24] Features Erica Ifill, a woman who identifies as an objectum sexual (OS), explaining her deep emotional, spiritual, and physical connections to objects:
  • Quote: “When other teenagers were dating each other, I was dating a bridge.” – Erica Ifill ([01:40])
  • “We feel an innate connection to objects. It comes perfectly normal to us… emotional, spiritual, and also physical.” – Erica Ifill ([01:56])
  • Erica mentions being attracted to airplanes and bridges, clarifying it's a profound connection, not a choice.

3. Listener and Producer Responses

• [02:37] The hosts banter about the strangeness of these stories, noting the GMA example is "tame" compared to what listeners called in about.
• Producer Sean is highlighted for being particularly “freaked out” by researching more extreme cases, underscoring the episode’s “weirdness” factor.

4. Case Study: Edward Smith and “Vanilla” the Volkswagen Beetle

• [03:22 – 05:38] An in-depth look at Edward Smith, a man who admits to being in love—romantically and sexually—with his Volkswagen Beetle named “Vanilla.”
  • Quote: “This is Vanilla. She's a '74 standard Beetle. I named her Vanilla because it’s kind of a sexy, sensuous name.” – Edward Smith ([03:40])
  • Describes intimate behaviors with the car—including kissing and “holding her”—and shares poetry dedicated to it.
  • Notable quote: “Vanilla beetle of 74. Your creamy body I adore. Flesh and metal overwhelm, man and car become one.” – Edward Smith ([05:05], [10:17])
  • The hosts react with a mix of shock, disbelief, and humor:
    • “I think he’s licking her. I think he’s licking the hood of the car.” – Tyler Redick ([04:31])
    • “If you believe in reincarnation, this guy came back as that car. That’s hell.” – Tyler Redick ([05:56])
    • “These people are obviously very mentally ill, right?” – Co-host 1 ([06:02])

5. Expanding the Spectrum: Helicopters and Airwolf

• [06:18 – 07:44] Edward Smith describes also being attracted to planes and helicopters—including “Airwolf,” the star helicopter of the 1980s TV series.
  • Quote: “I took a picture of me kissing Airwolf because… that’s what I’m there to do: pay tribute to her and love on her.” – Edward Smith ([06:39])
  • The hosts muse over the blurred lines between fantasy and reality, suggesting the depth of these obsessions can parallel those of human relationships.

6. Another Perspective: Marriage to the Berlin Wall

• [08:01 – 09:19] The team discusses a woman who claims to be married to the Berlin Wall.
  • She anthropomorphizes the Wall, describing a long-distance romance, their “marriage” date (June 17, 1979), and the distress felt when the Wall was dismantled:
    • “Her husband's job was to divide East and West Berlin. He's retired now… We have been in love for many years.” ([08:01])
    • Explains spiritual unity and romantic endurance despite physical and societal obstacles.

7. Psychological Speculation

• [06:02] Hosts discuss possible psychological explanations, asking whether objectum sexuality is linked to trauma, mental illness, or is simply an orientation.
  • The team is split—some hosts assume a history of trauma or abuse, while others reference interviews in which subjects deny such connections.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “When other teenagers were dating each other, I was dating a bridge.” – Erica Ifill ([01:40])
• “Vanilla beetle of 74. Your creamy body I adore. Flesh and metal overwhelm, man and car become one.” – Edward Smith ([05:05], [10:17])
• “If you believe in reincarnation, this guy came back as that car. That’s hell.” – Tyler Redick ([05:56])
• “He's got a sleek, sensuous tail that almost looks like a dolphin...” – Edward Smith (about “Airwolf,” [07:15])
• “We may not have a conventional marriage, obviously, but neither of us cares much for conventions.” – Berlin Wall spouse ([09:03])
• “It's so freaky, you don't even know how to respond to it.” – Tyler Redick ([10:12])

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:52: Adult content disclaimer and topic intro
• 01:22 – 02:24: Good Morning America segment recap (Erica Ifill’s story)
• 03:22 – 05:38: Edward Smith’s relationship with “Vanilla” the car
• 06:18 – 07:44: Smith’s attraction to helicopters and “Airwolf”
• 08:01 – 09:19: Woman married to the Berlin Wall
• 10:12: Hosts’ final reactions and summary feelings

Tone & Style

• Playful Skepticism: The hosts approach the topic with genuine surprise and frequent humor.
• Curiosity & Compassion: While at times incredulous, they try to understand the subject without outright hostility.
• Candid, Unfiltered: Frequent exclamations (“What?”, “Whoa!”) and laughter keep the tone light, despite the complexity of the topic.

Summary Takeaway

This episode offers a window into the world of objectum sexuality, featuring genuine examples straight from mainstream media and listener submissions. The Bert Show crew grapples with disbelief and fascination as they share stories of unconventional love, balancing skepticism with a willingness to understand this rare and perplexing orientation. The conversation challenges listeners to consider the boundaries and definitions of love, all while keeping the laughter going.