Vault: Celebrity Incarceration

Summary

The Bert Show: Vault - Celebrity Incarceration

Episode Date: July 21, 2026
Main Theme:
The Bert Show crew revisits their ongoing “Celebrity Incarceration Draft” – a recurring, tongue-in-cheek segment where each cast member predicts which celebrity will be the next to get arrested. This round is sparked by Heather Locklear’s recent run-in with the law. The draft is used as fodder for commentary, banter, and playful speculation on celebrity behavior.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Another Round?

• Trigger Event: Heather Locklear was recently cited for a hit-and-run after hitting a no parking sign at 4AM and leaving the scene. Although this was less dramatic than it sounds, it does qualify as an arrest—thus triggering a new round of the Celebrity Incarceration Draft.
  • “She hit a no parking sign at about 4:00 clock in the morning on Saturday and then left the scene of the accident...It was traced back to her car...[and] does technically count as an arrest.” – Heather Locklear Narrator (01:46)
• Rules Recap: Each cast member puts $5 into a jackpot and drafts their pick for the next celebrity arrest. If their former pick is arrested, they win the pot. The current jackpot was calculated at $180.
  • “We put in five bucks each and we’re probably at about, I don’t know, 150 bucks now...180.” – Host Jeff & Jen (01:01, 01:37)

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2. Draft Picks and Rationales

Order: Melissa Carter, Bert, Jen, Jeff, Wendy

a) Melissa Carter’s Pick: Tommy Lee

• Strategy: Picks Tommy Lee for recurring run-ins with the law and current media attention.
  • “I’m going to put Tommy Lee. If we wake up tomorrow morning and you say this person got arrested, that you wouldn’t be surprised.” – Melissa Carter & Host Jeff (03:15, 03:29)
• Reasoning: Connections with Heather Locklear and Pamela Anderson’s visibility add fuel to the selection.

b) Bert’s Pick: John Daly

• Strategy: Chooses John Daly, notorious for wild partying and problematic behavior.
  • “He’s just a weirdo, period. Like this guy was on the tour for a while, but...he likes to be fat and drunk and party a lot...I am assuming another DUI or an arrest is in his future.” – Host Jeff (04:16)

c) Jen’s Pick: Tara Reid

• Strategy: Picks Tara Reid, recently single, known for public intoxication.
  • “She is one of my favorite drunk celebrities ever. I’m picking Tara Reid.” – Jen (05:14)
• Cast Commentary: Her breakup is seen as likely to spark more party behavior.
  • “She’s all depressed right now...” – Host Jeff (05:33)

d) Jeff’s Pick: Jamie Foxx

• Strategy: Cites Jamie Foxx’s nightlife and partying habits; unpredictability is key.
  • “He likes to go to Vegas and party and maybe he’ll stagger out of a club. Drunkard.” – Jen (06:20)
• Cast Commentary: Jokes about a potential indecent exposure scandal, referencing past flirtatious incidents.
  • “I could see him getting busted for that, you know, like he did to Halle Berry on stage...” – Host Jeff (06:28)

e) Wendy’s Pick: Gary Busey

• Strategy: Busey’s erratic public image and reality TV history make him a perennial candidate.
  • “He was on that Dr. Drew Celebrity Rehab show not too long ago. So he’ll fall off the deep end again and again.” – Heather Locklear Narrator (07:09)
  • “If you wake up in the morning and Gary Busey got arrested, you wouldn’t go. Wow, that’s a shocker, right?” – Host Jeff (07:14)

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3. Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• Self-awareness:

  • “Whatever. I am so much more calm now. Y’all should have picked it two years ago.” – Heather Locklear Narrator (05:50)
  • “Pick me two years ago, not now.” – Heather Locklear Narrator (05:54)

• Playful banter:

  • “We’ve never explored trades. Like I will trade you Steve O and John Daly for Katt Williamson.” – Host Jeff (04:59)
  • “Well, so do you, but we don’t think you’re going to jail.” – Jen, teasingly to Heather (05:43)

• Audience relatability:

  • “You want in these first couple of rounds, somebody that...you wouldn't be surprised [if they get arrested].” – Host Jeff (03:29)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:01: Host Jeff introduces the Celebrity Incarceration Draft.
• 01:46: Heather Locklear incident recap and justification for another round.
• 03:15: Melissa Carter picks Tommy Lee; rationale discussed.
• 04:02: Host Jeff selects John Daly with a colorful backstory.
• 05:14: Jen picks Tara Reid; emotional state after breakup is part of rationale.
• 06:05: Jen and Host Jeff discuss Jamie Foxx as a wild-card pick.
• 07:04: Wendy chooses Gary Busey; his history on reality TV and unpredictable behavior are highlighted.

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Takeaways

• The segment is lively, irreverent, and reflective of the Bert Show’s hallmark blend of pop culture savvy and informal banter.
• Picks are based as much on celebrity reputation and recent behavior as they are on intuition and comedic value.
• The crew’s dynamic and playful teasing reflects a blend of entertainment news lampooning and morning radio camaraderie.
• The segment provides recurring entertainment, with each round shaped by recent celebrity scandals.

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For listeners who missed the show, this episode captures the core energy of The Bert Show: real, funny, and always a little mischievous in its take on pop culture headlines.

Transcript

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[Heather Locklear Narrator]

of $45 for three months, $90 for

[Melissa Carter]

six months or $180 or 12 month

[Heather Locklear Narrator]

plan required $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees. Extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. Me slow when network is busy.

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See Terms.

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The Bird show.

[Host Jeff]

We gott with the celebrity incarceration draft. And here's how this works if you're a new Burchill listener. Every time a celebrity gets arrested, what we do individually on the show here is we try to predict who the next celebrity is gonna be to get arrested if then they go on. Sort of like our roster of celebrities. So in the future, if one of these celebrities does gets arrested and they're one of our former picks, we get all the money that we put in to this jackpot every single time we do another round and we put in five bucks each and we're probably at about, I don't know, 150 bucks now. That's good. That's good money on this show.

[Heather Locklear Narrator]

Totally getting up there.

[Jen]

I think we're actually at 180.

[Host Jeff]

180.

[Jen]

Nice. Yeah, because it's 30. There's five of us. That's 25 times 175.

[Host Jeff]

All right. And the reason why we're doing this

[Heather Locklear Narrator]

again today, Jen, is because Heather Locklear got arrested for a hit and run. It isn't quite as bad as what it sounds like, but she hit a no parking sign at about 4:00 clock in the morning on Saturday and then left the scene of the accident. I can't imagine why without calling the police. But there was debris left over. It was traced back to her car. And she was cited now, so there was no mugshot, there was no handcuffs or police car or anything like that. It was 16 hours afterwards. It was a citation. But the sheriff's department there says it does technically count as an arrest. And she is still serving probation for that DUI arrest back in September of 2008. So she's still in probation. Hit the sign at 4 o' clock in the morning on Saturday, left the scene of the accident. They're calling it a hit and run. And she was arrested. So thanks to Heather Locklear, we will be picking another round of celebs.

[Host Jeff]

Okay, Jeff, I think you're gonna have to break out the list because everybody's forgotten who's on there. Already got it right here, man. All right, our random order this morning is Melissa Carter will go first. Burt will go second. Jen, Jeff and Wendy. Okay, Melissa Carter.

[Jen]

Oh, the sadness. Melissa, do you want to know who everybody has picked in the past or just you?

[Melissa Carter]

Just me right now.

[Jen]

Melissa, you've picked. You've picked R. Kelly. You've picked Tim Robbins, you've picked Brittany Murphy's mama. You've picked Sammy. Sweetheart. You picked Jeff Bridges, you picked Charlie Sheen. And today you picked.

[Melissa Carter]

I am actually going to do the random celebrity thing since those are people that keep getting arrested and for two reasons. One, because, well, it's one of Heather's exes. And two, because Pamela Anderson is getting a lot of attention on Dancing with the Stars. So I'm going to put Tommy Lee.

[Jen]

Oh, nice. Good pick.

[Host Jeff]

That's a good standard one right there. You want in these first couple of rounds, somebody that. If we wake up tomorrow morning and you say this person got arrested, that you wouldn't be surprised.

[Melissa Carter]

You were like, oh, yeah, of course. So Tommy Lee.

[Host Jeff]

I think one of those people totally in that category. Okay, who's on my list?

[Jen]

Bert. Thusly so far, I don't know why I have to make it seem legal. You've picked Andy Dick, Jeremy Shockley, Steve O, Pauly D, Criss angel, and one of the Jesse James's.

[Melissa Carter]

One of the three.

[Host Jeff]

And I'll tell you which one of those three I picked as soon as one of them gets arrested. I'm gonna go with a. You may not even know this name unless you're like a sports fan. John Daly.

[Jen]

Oh, the golfer.

[Host Jeff]

You guys know him?

[Heather Locklear Narrator]

Oh, he's got that weirdo reality show right now.

[Host Jeff]

He's just a weirdo, period. Like this guy was on the tour for a while, but he's like a good old boy man. He likes to be fat and drunk and party a lot. So he got kicked off the tour for a while and he's just a hot, stinking mess all the time. All the time. And the problem with him is he's totally and completely okay with him himself. So I am assuming another DUI or an arrest is in his future. So I will go with John Daly. Wouldn't surprise me on any given morning if we wake up and John Daly is arrested.

[Melissa Carter]

Right.

[Jen]

Who's next, me or Jen?

[Host Jeff]

Jen.

[Jen]

Jen. You have already picked Tila Tequila. Katt Williams. Damn, that's a good one. Lindsay Lohan.

[Heather Locklear Narrator]

I know. I got Papa Lohan.

[Host Jeff]

Can we take trades on this? We've never explored trades. Like I will trade you Steve O and John Daly for Katt Williamson.

[Heather Locklear Narrator]

Keeping him in my corner.

[Jen]

JWoww. Michael Lohan and John Mayer.

[Heather Locklear Narrator]

Yes. And my newest pick just broke off her engagement. So she was sort of like settled down and calm and about to get married, but her engagement is off. And she is one of my favorite drunk celebrities ever. I'm picking Tara Reid.

[Spin Quest Promo Voice]

Oh, nice.

[Host Jeff]

New pics have been solid.

[Heather Locklear Narrator]

God, I love her.

[Host Jeff]

Yeah. Cause, you know, she's all depressed right now and she.

[Heather Locklear Narrator]

She's a drama queens to drink.

[Host Jeff]

She loves it.

[Heather Locklear Narrator]

She likes booze.

[Host Jeff]

Yeah, a lot.

[Jen]

Well, so do you, but we don't think you're going to jail.

[Heather Locklear Narrator]

I know.

[Jen]

I don't know that. I would second that.

[Melissa Carter]

You know what? I might put Jane Bobby on my next. My next pay.

[Heather Locklear Narrator]

Whatever. I am so much more calm now. Y' all should have picked it two years ago.

[Host Jeff]

That is a. That's a solid pick.

[Heather Locklear Narrator]

Pick me two years ago, not now.

[Host Jeff]

Solid pick.

[Jen]

My picks so far in the draft are Simon Monjack, who is Brittany Murphy's husband.

[Heather Locklear Narrator]

Widow.

[Jen]

Widow. Russell Brand, Eminem, the Situation, Spencer Pratt, Steven Seagal, and today. I don't know why, just came to me. I'm gonna say Jamie Foxx.

[Melissa Carter]

Jamie Foxx.

[Spin Quest Promo Voice]

All right. Okay.

[Jen]

I don't know why. I know he likes to go to Vegas and party and maybe he'll stagger out of a club. Drunkard.

[Heather Locklear Narrator]

You know what he's gonna do? He's gonna expose himself.

[Melissa Carter]

That's why.

[Host Jeff]

Something like that or grabbing somebody inappropriately, I could see him getting busted for that, you know, like he did to Halle Berry on stage in front of a couple million people. But doing that at a club with somebody that's not a celebrity, then it's illegal. But on stage in front of millions

[Spin Quest Promo Voice]

of people, it's fine. No worries.

[Host Jeff]

It's ratings.

[Jen]

Wendell. So far you have picked Misha Barton, Jon Goslin, Mel Gibson. Good one, Snooki. Or you good one, Courtney Love. Danny DeVito.

[Host Jeff]

You just couldn't thank anybody that morning.

[Heather Locklear Narrator]

Of all those people, he'll be the

[Melissa Carter]

one to get it right.

[Host Jeff]

Yeah.

[Jen]

And Wendy, your pick today is.

[Heather Locklear Narrator]

I'm gonna go with Gary Busey.

[Host Jeff]

Oh, yeah,

[Heather Locklear Narrator]

he was on that Dr. Drew Celebrity Rehab show not too long ago. So he'll fall off the deep end again and again.

[Host Jeff]

Falls under that category of if you wake up in the morning and Gary Busey got arrested, you wouldn't go. Wow, that's a shocker, right?

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