Vault: Claiming items before parents actually die

Summary

The Bert Show – Vault: Claiming Items Before Parents Actually Die

Date: July 27, 2026
Episode Theme:
This lively, candid episode revolves around a surprisingly morbid-yet-funny family tradition: “calling” prized possessions from parents before they pass away. The hosts and callers explore whether this anticipation of inheritance is healthy, normal, or totally weird, sharing personal stories about competition, sibling rivalry, and how families divvy up heirlooms.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Recap and Segue from Previous Segments

• The show opens with the hosts referring to a previous quirky "Am I Normal?" segment, which involved listeners confessing unusual personal habits.
• An especially memorable (and bizarre) call: a woman urinates on towels in the laundry room instead of walking to the bathroom, rationalizing that she washes them in extra hot water. (00:51–02:12)
• The hosts riff humorously about other possible "solutions"—like peeing in the washing machine or using a cat's litter box (which sparks a quick digression about human-sized clumps and ostrich eggs).

2. Claiming Parents’ Things Before They Pass

Introduction of the Segment (02:18)

• Bert transitions to “two worlds colliding” with guest Reshma’s story about her and her sister calling dibs on their parents’ possessions—even though both parents are healthy and (relatively) young.

The Rules of “Calling It” (02:27–05:50)

• Reshma describes how she and her sister started claiming items, particularly their mother's jewelry and their father's book collection, long before there is any reason to suspect their parents won’t be around.
  • “It's just one of those things that you kind of know in the back of your mind.” (02:42, Reshma)
• She notes that her mother, wishing to be fair, insists valuable items must be split "evenly" (by value, not just number).
• The ritual of calling items became habitual: “We’ll both...get really close to my mom, and the first one to call it gets it.” (03:49, Reshma)
• Bert asks probing questions about the age and health of her parents (“How old are your parents?...And they’re in good health?...Okay, good standing.”) (02:44–02:54)
• The hosts and Reshma discuss the difference between healthy anticipation and macabre obsession, agreeing it’s more about sibling dynamics than actual morbidity.
• The group laughs about how some siblings even go behind each other's backs to secure a favorite heirloom with their parents.

Real-Life Strategies for Dividing Heirlooms (04:48–05:50)

• Another guest details how her mother, an artist, wrote a note on the back of a painting so it would go to her instead of her (presumably sneakier) sister:
  • “She put a little note on the back of the canvas that said, this will go to Melissa. Seriously, because my sister would totally take it, only knowing that I wanted it.” (05:03)
• Bert asks if these claims are documented: “Do you document? Do you write these things down? Cause in 30 years, you’re never gonna remember who called you.” (05:27)
• The hosts and callers agree: written documentation, be it notes or entries in a will, helps avoid trouble later.

It’s Sibling Competition—Not Just Morbidity (05:59–06:04)

• Melissa (host or guest) points out: “All so competitive. Sisters. Yes. It's more about the fight with your sister.”
• Reshma: “...we never fight about it, though. It's not like I call it. And then we sit there and, like, fight for four times.” (06:04)

3. Audience Involvement & More Anecdotes

• Listener Nicole calls in, sharing her story: her mother preemptively divided up jewelry in her will based on her daughters’ preferences. (06:14–06:39)
• A host recounts asking for a family heirloom on a milestone birthday; her mother gave it to her then and there.

4. The Absurdity Escalates

• The conversation reaches peak absurdity when Reshma admits her sister called “the house,” so she immediately claimed “all the furniture.”
  • “She didn’t call the furniture. She called the house. So I immediately called the furniture.” (07:23, Reshma)
• The hosts joke about marking items with sticky notes or masking tape on the back (“Just put it on the back of it.”) (07:05)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Why doesn’t she just pee in the washing machine?” – Melissa, humorously exploring human laziness after the laundry story. (01:41)
• “That would be gross. Peeing in the washing machine would be absolutely gross. She don't wanna cross that line.” – Bert, setting the boundaries of bizarre. (01:49)
• “We started sitting there, and I was like, ‘Oh my God, this is so pretty.’ ...And I turned to my sister, and I go, ‘I call it.’” – Reshma, explaining how casually the inheritance game started (03:39)
• “You can have the house, but I have everything in it.” – Reshma, escalating the competition with her sister (07:23)
• “That's like calling dibs on every guy in the bar. You can't do that.” – Bert, on the unfairness of calling all the furniture (07:35)
• “Sticky note underneath it, I get all the furniture.” – Reshma, on implementing the dibs system (07:33)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:51–02:15 – Cold open about previous “Am I Normal?” calls, including the infamous laundry pee confession.
• 02:18–02:54 – Introduction of the family possession-calling segment by Reshma.
• 03:42–04:34 – Detailed discussion on how Reshma and her sister call dibs on possessions, including parental reactions.
• 04:48–05:31 – Guest shares story of secret notes and calling dibs on artwork.
• 05:50–06:08 – How families keep it "even" and avoid fights (documentation, value vs. item count).
• 06:14–06:39 – Listener Nicole’s call: How her mom puts inheritances in her will based on what kids like.
• 07:12–07:41 – The absurd finale: Calling dibs on the house, all the furniture, and the sticky note system.

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Tone & Style

The episode is true to The Bert Show's signature blend of authenticity, humor, and conversational banter. The hosts freely tease one another and their audience about awkward or “morbid” family traditions, while also acknowledging the real anxieties about future inheritances and family competition. It’s lighthearted but relatable, with hosts and callers poking fun at themselves while underscoring the universality of sibling rivalry.

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For Listeners Who Missed It

If you've never considered sticking a Post-It under your parents’ couch or calling dibs on your dad’s vinyl collection while he’s still enjoying it, this episode cracks open the strange, funny, and very human ways families prepare for the inevitable… sometimes decades too early.

Transcript

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[Co-host or Guest (possibly Melissa)]

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[Show Host (likely Burt)]

You know, we had this segment yesterday, later in the show called Am I Normal? Where you do sort of quirky things and you're not sure if other people do them or not. We took like 15 calls from people that were doing the most bizarre things. We took one call from a woman that says when she's doing laundry, if she's in another part of the house and she's too lazy to walk to the other part of the house, the other end of the house to go to the bathroom, she will just put the towels in a pile and pee on top of them and then bring them to the washing machine and wash them.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly Melissa's sister or another guest)]

She's in the laundry room. In the laundry room, she pees on the towels. And then she said, well, I make it really, really hot and make sure I clean them up really good. Now I have a car accident on the towel. Not enough cleanness.

[Co-host or Guest (possibly Melissa)]

At the risk of stooping to her level, I did have a thought yesterday.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly Melissa's sister or another guest)]

Stooping.

[Co-host or Guest (possibly Melissa)]

Why doesn't she just pee in the washing machine?

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

Well, that's a lot of effort. I mean, you're gonna have to get up on the washing machine.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly Melissa's sister or another guest)]

You gotta wake yourself up. See, the towels are nice and soft

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

on her tush and that would be gross. Peeing in the washing machine would be absolutely gross. She don't wanna cross that line.

[Co-host or Guest (possibly Melissa)]

And as I was putting something in the dryer yesterday, I did look down and see our cat's litter box. And I thought, what if she just put a litter box in our laundry room?

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

There you go. Scratch away at it.

[Co-host or Guest (possibly Melissa)]

Clumped.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly Melissa's sister or another guest)]

Gross.

[Co-host or Guest (possibly Melissa)]

Big old giant human sized clump.

[Commercial Announcer]

That is disgusting.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly Melissa's sister or another guest)]

Ostrich eggs.

[Co-host or Guest (possibly Melissa)]

Yeah, it's 36 pounds of urine soaked clay.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly Melissa's sister or another guest)]

What are we talking about?

[Co-host or Guest (possibly Melissa)]

What's happening?

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

So getting back on point, we've got Two worlds colliding here because Reshma has one that she's doing with her sister. Now, that is really pretty. Pretty morbid. Very morbid.

[Reshma]

I mean, I didn't really think it was morbid until, like, a couple days ago. My sister and I. A couple months ago. It's probably been a year now. We've been doing this. Obviously, once your parents pass, and neither of my parents have passed, and we don't have any intention or anything like that. It's just one of those things that you kind of know in the back of your mind.

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

Let me ask you this question. It's gonna be dangerous for a guy that's 43. How old are your parents?

[Reshma]

Oh, it sounded dangerous. 50 and 51.

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

Okay. And they're in good health?

[Reshma]

Oh, yeah.

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

Good standing.

[Reshma]

Perfect.

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

Okay.

[Reshma]

Yeah.

[Co-host or Guest (possibly Melissa)]

I had this conversation when Hayden was in yesterday for icarly. I had the same conversation with him. He's like, look, my dad's not old or anything. I'm not waiting for him to pass. But, I mean, he's in his. He's limping around.

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

He's got some big things sticking out of his neck.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly Melissa's sister or another guest)]

It's not looking good.

[Reshma]

Yeah, no, they're in perfect health. Nothing's wrong with them. And my sister and I just kind of got in this habit of. We started thinking about when our parents pass. You obviously, you know, want to preserve their memory, et cetera. Besides just memories, they also have their possessions. So one day, we're just sitting there, and my mom's going through all of her old jewelry, and my mom has a beautiful jewelry collection, and she's obviously got daughters, so she wants us to split everything equally like a mother. But. But my sister and I are so competitive that we started sitting there, and I was like, oh, my God, this is so pretty. I was like, oh, my God. And I turned to my little sister, and I go, I call it. And she was like, what? And it became this giant thing we do all the time now. So we go through.

[Co-host or Guest (possibly Melissa)]

In front of your parents?

[Reshma]

In front of my parents.

[Co-host or Guest (possibly Melissa)]

Like, if they're in the car driving you somewhere and you realize you like that car. You call it.

[Reshma]

Like, we go through. We'll be going through jewelry and go to the bank and, like, pull something out, and we'll both, like, get really close to my mom, and the first one to call it gets it.

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

So you're calling possessions from your parents. Your parents that will be deceased in the future right in front of them. While they're alive.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly Melissa's sister or another guest)]

While they're alive. 30 or 40 years ago.

[Reshma]

And it's not like us being mean and being like, you know, anticipating their,

[Guest or Co-host (possibly Melissa's sister or another guest)]

like, you know, it makes it easy when it happens.

[Reshma]

It's not even that. It's just one of those things that my sister and I are two different people, and we just, you know, there's certain things we want. Like, my dad is a big reader. He's got an awesome book collection. And I'm the same way. My sister hasn't read a book since the second grade. I mean, end of story. So one day we're talking about it and we're going to the library. And I was like. I turned to her and I was like, I call dad's books. And it just made sense. We don't argue about it. It just makes sense.

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

And he's alive, and he's alive, and

[Co-host or Guest (possibly Melissa)]

he's picking them up. So, I mean, your sister's the smarter one in that. Cause she's like, you have the books. Kindle, iPad. Thank you.

[Reshma]

Exactly.

[Co-host or Guest (possibly Melissa)]

I call them too Melissa.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly Melissa's sister or another guest)]

Well, you're not completely crazy, because unlike you and your sister, my sister and I go behind each other's backs to. To our parents at the time.

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

Oh, while they were alive.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly Melissa's sister or another guest)]

Yeah. Well, mom is still alive. And there is a painting of hers that. Because my mother is an artist and she was an art teacher her whole life. And so there was the first painting as a kid I ever remember her painting. I made a comment about it one time, and then I said, you know, I'd really love to have that the rest of my life. Hint, hint. So she actually put. She put a little note on the back of the canvas that said, this will go to Melissa. Seriously, because my sister would totally take it, only knowing that I wanted it.

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

Do you document? Do you write these things down? Cause in 30 years, you're never gonna remember who called you.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly Melissa's sister or another guest)]

You've got to write it or you'll remember.

[Reshma]

But see, the thing with us is, there's nothing so far that we've really clashed on besides the jewelry. But even then, that's the only thing my mom has commented on. She said, jewelry wise, everything goes evenly. It's not like one necklace equals another. It's gotta be like, value wise. Like, one can't be like, you know, a $500 one and the other one get, like a $10 necklace. It's not one and one. It's value wise.

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

Well, you have it all worked out, don't you?

[Reshma]

Yeah, we really fig. And I don't think it was weird. I just thought it was us being like, you know, proactive.

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

It's not weird because there's a whole bunch of people calling, saying they do it.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly Melissa's sister or another guest)]

All so competitive. Sisters. Yes. It's more about the fight with your sister.

[Reshma]

And we never fight about it, though. It's not like I call it. And then we sit there and, like, fight for four times.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly Melissa's sister or another guest)]

So that's good. That's good.

[Co-host or Guest (possibly Melissa)]

Can I call stuff?

[Reshma]

Your parents. Everything's called.

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

Every little thing is called here's Nicole. Good morning. You're on the Burt Show.

[Commercial Announcer]

Hi.

[Reshma]

Good morning.

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

Good morning.

[Reshma]

My sister and I do the same thing, and my mom actually has written down in her will which piece of jewelry each one of us gets.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly Melissa's sister or another guest)]

It makes it easy on the parents.

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

So how does that work, though? If one of you goes to your mom, then she writes it down, or do you have to have counsel where you guys both argue that you want the. The possession?

[Reshma]

Like, over the years, each one of us has said, oh, I like that one. So at least she's told us that it's written down in the will.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly Melissa's sister or another guest)]

Like, for my birthday. My 40th birthday was this year. So I said, you know, Mom, I would love to have some kind of heirloom. I'd love to have one of your talking about jewelry. And, I mean, that was just a way for me to get it and have it. And that way my sister didn't get it.

[Co-host or Guest (possibly Melissa)]

It's awesome that you can adm. Small difference. How old is your mom?

[Guest or Co-host (possibly Melissa's sister or another guest)]

She's 81.

[Co-host or Guest (possibly Melissa)]

Reshma,

[Guest or Co-host (possibly Melissa's sister or another guest)]

the painting I think I did in high school. The painting claim you had your eyes

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

on that thing 20 years ago?

[Guest or Co-host (possibly Melissa's sister or another guest)]

Yes.

[Co-host or Guest (possibly Melissa)]

You know what? Next time everybody goes to visit their parents, just take something out of their house. Or bring some masking tape and write your name on it. Just put it on the back of it.

[Reshma]

The only thing that's really weird that we've done, which this one, I'll admit is kind of morbid, is my little sister called the house. So I called all the furniture.

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

All the furniture.

[Reshma]

You can't do this.

[Guest or Co-host (possibly Melissa's sister or another guest)]

You can have the house, but I

[Reshma]

have everything in it.

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

That's like calling.

[Reshma]

She didn't call the furniture. She called the house. So I immediately called the furniture. And I went, you gotta do the

[Guest or Co-host (possibly Melissa's sister or another guest)]

furniture piece by piece.

[Reshma]

Sticky note underneath it, I get all the furniture.

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

That's like calling dibs on every guy in the bar. You can't do that.

[Reshma]

No, it's done already, so that's fair.

[Commercial Announcer]

Split it evenly.

[Show Host (likely Burt)]

It's a big house.

[Co-host or Guest (possibly Melissa)]

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