Vault: Customer Service Complaints

Summary

The Bert Show – Vault: Customer Service Complaints

Episode Date: July 14, 2026
Cast Featured: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and team

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Overview

This episode of The Bert Show delves into the hilariously exasperating world of customer service complaints. The cast revisits "Hall of Fame" moments from customer-service meltdown calls, featuring irate customers confronted by unfazed call center reps. Through real call recordings and candid commentary, the team spotlights both the absurdity and the comedy that ensues when technology, miscommunication, and human frustration collide.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Gold Standard: The Dell Sales Guy Meltdown

[01:03] – [03:33]

• The hosts introduce what they dub the “gold standard” of customer service meltdowns, involving a customer attempting to buy a computer from a newspaper ad, only to clash with a pushy sales rep.

• Replay of the infamous call features:

  • The sales rep persistently recommends upgrades the caller doesn’t want.
  • Tensions escalate over the inclusion (or lack thereof) of speakers and a floppy drive.
  • The rep taunts the customer, repeatedly calling him "little girl" in a mocking tone, singing the phrase and refusing to let the customer speak to a manager.

  Sales Guy: "Little girl, little pussy girl. Let me talk. Let me get out of here. Get out of here. Let me talk to your manager. Little girl. You a little girl. Little girl, little girl, little girl..." (02:35)

• The Bert Show cast react with laughter and disbelief at the salesperson’s unprofessional antics.

• Quote:

  Bert: “We hadn’t listened to it in so long. I’d forgotten how funny he is.” (03:35)

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2. Parental Tech Woes: The Frustrated Son vs. Tech Support

[03:41] – [08:56]

• A highlight of a longer call where a son, exasperated by his mother's malfunctioning laptop, repeatedly clashes with a calm but persistent customer service rep.

• The son is irritated by the amount of identification and account verification required, eager for a quick fix rather than protocol.

  Caller: "Jesus Christ, I just gave it to you people… All I need to know is how do you turn this thing off?" (05:03) Rep: "You're yelling very loud. 49, is that right?" (05:16)

• Frustration mounts as the rep continually requests basic details—service tag, name, phone, email—before suggesting the obvious solution.

• The crescendo: After minutes of back-and-forth, the rep instructs the caller to hold the power button for ten seconds—prompting an explosive response.

  Rep: "Hold down the power button for 10 seconds right now." (08:33)
  Caller: "Well, Jesus Christ, you could have told me that. You know, you are not… not very freaking helpful, you know that?... If I had you right here, I'd kick your…" (08:41–08:53)

• The hosts note how the rep’s calmness only inflames the customer’s rage.

• Quote:

  Co-host: "The customer service guy is remaining this calm just to jack with this guy. He already knows what the answer is." (06:10)

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3. The Mouse Warranty War

[08:56] – [09:59]

• The cast shares a short but fiery snippet from the end of another real call: A customer adamantly demands a free replacement mouse, while the rep restates the warranty policy.

  Rep: "If you purposely break the mouse, it will not be covered by warranty." (09:15) Caller: "Oh, well, you're going to have to prove that. Give me a new mouse, sir." (09:17)

• The exchange becomes repetitive and slightly absurd, with the customer asserting that "the customer is always right."

• The hosts laugh at the legalistic back-and-forth, wishing they could’ve heard the outcome.

  Co-host: "I want to know how it ended. Did he get his new mouse?" (10:36)

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• Playful Cast Commentary:

  Commentator: "Never gets old." (03:33)
  Co-host: “Yeah, that’s good stuff right there. He’s singing to him at the end.” (03:38)

• Reflecting on Tech Support Frustration:

  Caller: "If you didn't have all this automated crap on your phone system, then somebody would talk to a human. Do you know what a human is?" (07:18)

• Patterns in Complaints:

  Host: “I just love the fact that all three of our hall of famers had to do with computers.” (10:44)

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Important Timestamps

• [01:03] – Start of “gold standard” Dell call
• [03:41] – Intro to Parental Tech Woes call
• [05:03–08:53] – Son’s increasingly angry tech support call
• [08:56] – Mouse warranty call
• [10:44] – Reflection on the computer theme of all calls

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Conclusion

The episode is a rollicking trip through some of the most exasperated (and exasperating) customer service calls ever, enhanced by the cast’s energetic commentary and shared memories. It’s a lighthearted take on the universal headaches of tech support, perfect for a morning laugh—and a reminder to be gentle with those unlucky enough to staff the help desk.

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For more laughs or to share your own stories, contact The Bert Show at 1-855-BertShow or visit thebertshow.com.

Transcript

[Host]

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[Co-host]

my phone at the same time.

[Host]

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[Host]

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[Host]

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[Advertiser 4]

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[Host]

You're on the Burt Show.

[Customer Service Rep]

All right.

[Commentator]

Over the years, I think the gold standard for meltdown customer service calls probably goes to the Dell guy, right?

[Advertiser 4]

Yes.

[Commentator]

Dude calls up. The dude calls up and he's. He's looking through an ad right in the paper.

[Co-host]

All he wants to do is buy the computer that's on the ad. But the dude says he needs to upgrade it. The salesperson says you gotta upgrade it. He doesn't want to.

[Commentator]

All right, so this isn't actually the caller. This isn't the person that purchased Melting Down. This is the sales guy. Yeah, this is sort of our gold standard right now.

[Advertiser 4]

Take over two things. My name is Robert. What can I build for you today? Yeah, I'm calling about the computer that's on sale. It's 999. It's on a flyer that came in the newspaper and I'd like to order that one. Okay, let me confirm everything with you. We had a painting, full processor, 520 with HD technology, 2.8 gigahertz. Okay. DVD player in the first bay and a free city boner on the second base. No floppy drive. You want to add the three and a half floppy drive? Well, let's not do a disk. If I wanted to put something on the disk. Will it do it? Yeah, actually we recommend you the floppy because it's only $33 0. Okay. No, I don't want that. Okay, Are you sure? Because the future gonna cost more money. Okay. And no speakers. Speakers don't come with it? No, sir, it's not in the flyer. Okay, well let me read it a little bit better and I'll call back. Why you have to fly in front of you? Yes, and why you call Me that gets back for me. You call me and call me again, again, again. It's going to be back. The one. I didn't realize that it didn't have speakers. And I don't want to have to order speakers for this price. So I'll just look somewhere else and find me another computer. Oy. Unbelievable. Like a little girl. I can't believe it. Only for speakers. Go ahead. Little girl, little pussy girl. Let me talk. Let me get out of here. Get out of here. Let me talk to your manager. Little girl. You a little girl. Little girl, little girl, little girl, little girl. You going have to let me talk to your manager. Little baby girl.

[Customer Service Rep]

Okay.

[Commentator]

Never gets old.

[Host]

We hadn't listened to it in so long. I'd forgotten how funny he is.

[Co-host]

Yeah, that's good stuff right there. He's singing to him at the end.

[Customer Service Rep]

That's.

[Commentator]

That's as high as it gets. Okay, now there are others in the. If this was like an Academy Awards, there would be other nominations. This one's a little lengthier. This is the guy that was calling up to get some help to try to turn off his laptop. I think this guy was trying to help his dad or his mom, right?

[Co-host]

His parents computer, and he couldn't get it to restart.

[Commentator]

And I think right off the bat you can sort of hear an attitude, but it just starts building and building and building and building here.

[Customer Service Rep]

Dell hardware warranty support. My name is. How can I help you?

[Host]

Well, my mom got one.

[Customer Service Rep]

Hello, can you hear me?

[Host]

Yeah, I'm having a problem. How about now? I got my phone on. Can you hear me now?

[Customer Service Rep]

I can hear you. You're breaking up a little bit, but. Oh, great.

[Host]

All right, well, what I got is my mom's laptop here.

[Commentator]

So you can already hear. This guy has an attitude, right? He's already frustrated and he's not doing the work for himself. It's his mom who's probably bugging him all the time for every little on his computer. And now he's calling customer service. But he's already bugged, right?

[Host]

It won't turn off.

[Customer Service Rep]

It won't turn off.

[Host]

No. Okay, no. Windows is down. Cannot turn it off. Try to turn off the power, everything. It won't turn off.

[Customer Service Rep]

All right, can I get the service tag?

[Host]

Jesus Christ. I just gave it to you people. All right, Express Service code is 4, 9. You got it? Uh.

[Customer Service Rep]

Oh, I couldn't hear you very well. You're yelling very loud. 49, is that right?

[Host]

Yeah, it's close enough. All I need to know is how do you turn this thing off? You know, your automated crap sucks, all right? And I think you suck, all right? Jesus Christ, Hanny, turn the thing off. You understand that?

[Customer Service Rep]

All right, well, I will just need to actually see what system you have here, so I'm showing that you. Can I get the name on the account?

[Host]

All right?

[Customer Service Rep]

And the phone number is purchased at.

[Host]

Why do you need all this? All I need to know is how do you turn the thing off?

[Customer Service Rep]

I need to verify the.

[Commentator]

Okay, now at some point, this guy's getting angrier by how calm. Yes, the customer service guy is.

[Host]

Totally.

[Co-host]

And the customer service guy is remaining this calm just to jack with this guy. He already knows what the answer is. He knows where the reset button is, but he's like. And your zip code, please. Yes.

[Host]

Oh, Jesus Christ. The number is 7 2.

[Customer Service Rep]

All right? And can I get your name?

[Host]

My name is.

[Customer Service Rep]

And your last name?

[Host]

I'm her son. Damn you.

[Customer Service Rep]

People.

[Host]

I swear to God.

[Customer Service Rep]

And your phone number?

[Host]

My phone number is a team, okay?

[Customer Service Rep]

And your email address?

[Host]

Why do you need that? You know, you're upsetting the out of me, all right? You God, the thing we're not shut off, you understand that? Since last night. And you got a battery problem as well, all right? What the hell the is going on with this thing? I am getting very upset about this. You know, I've spent about an hour trying to talk to you people on this freaking automated crap you got, and that's what's got me all upset like this, all right? And if you didn't have all this automated crap on your phone system, then somebody would talk to a human. Do you know what a human is?

[Customer Service Rep]

Yes, sir, I do, and I will.

[Host]

You keep acting like a computer and keep asking me pretty stupid questions when all I need to know is how do you shut this thing down? It says Windows is shutting down. It's been saying that since last night, all right? Now, how come it won't shut down? And how come I can't shut it down? What do I gotta do, rip the damn battery out of the back of it?

[Customer Service Rep]

Um, no, you definitely don't want to do that.

[Host]

Well, what do I gotta do? Will you please tell me? Yeah.

[Customer Service Rep]

All I need. So do you not have an email address? That's all I need.

[Host]

I'm not gonna give it to you, all right? Let's put it that way, all right? Cause I have nothing to do with this computer. All I want to know is how you shut it down before it causes a fire. Will you tell?

[Customer Service Rep]

All right? So to shut the system off, you see the power button on it?

[Host]

I've been pushing it for the past three hours. It don't do nothing.

[Customer Service Rep]

Hold down the power button for 10 seconds right now.

[Host]

Well, Jesus Christ, you could have told me that. You know, you are not. Not very freaking helpful, you know that? You. And you can put this in your records, all right? If I had you right here, I'd kick your. You got me?

[Commentator]

All right, so this is the latest. Okay. This one's only about a minute long. And apparently this guy is calling. I'm not exactly sure what company he's calling, but he's having a problem with the mouse on his computer.

[Customer Service Rep]

Okay.

[Commentator]

And this is probably a much longer call. We're catching the tail end of it. The last 60 seconds.

[Co-host]

Yeah, we only need the fun part,

[Commentator]

and this is where it is. It's only the fun part here.

[Host]

Committing this call. And if you purposely break the mouse, it will not be covered by warranty. Oh, well, you're going to have to prove that.

[Advertiser 4]

Okay?

[Host]

It's in your warranty agreement, sir. We do not. We do not replace the misuse and abuse. I will. There is no misuse and abuse. Give me a new mouse, sir, if you purposefully. Give me a new mouse, sir. If you purposefully break. Give me a new mouse, sir.

[Co-host]

It's c3,

[Host]

Sir, I do need to warn you. Thanks, Katie. Education than you. If you hang up this phone call, you will be in lots of trouble. Thank you. Customer is always right.

[Commentator]

That's all we got.

[Host]

That's awesome.

[Co-host]

That's all we got.

[Host]

I want to know how it turned out.

[Co-host]

Did he get his new mouse?

[Host]

I want to know how it ended.

[Commentator]

I have no idea how it ended.

[Advertiser 4]

Wow.

[Host]

I just love the fact that all

[Commentator]

three of our hall of famers had to do with computers.

[Host]

Yeah, without a doubt. Listen, it's the vert show.

[Advertiser 1]

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[Advertiser 3]

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[Advertiser 4]

Refreshers contain caffeine.