Vault: Did Bert finally catch a marlin?

Summary

The Bert Show: Vault – Did Bert Finally Catch a Marlin?

Episode Date: June 26, 2026
Hosts: Bert Show Cast (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, others)

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Overview

In this episode, Bert recounts his long-awaited solo trip to Costa Rica, undertaken with the dream of finally catching a marlin—a quest that has spanned decades and become a personal saga for both him and the show's listeners. The cast discusses travel mishaps, marlin-hunting woes, and the emotional arc of chasing (and still missing) a lifelong goal. Expect humor, commiseration, and a story that unites adventure with a touch of existential frustration.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Setup: Central America Coincidence & Solo Retreat

[01:32 - 02:09]

• The hosts realize that three of them coincidentally vacationed in Central America.
• Bert shares that his annual solo trip is meant to “defrag”—escape from friends and family, and recharge.
• However, Bert admits, “I couldn’t do it that long. Came back early” due to injury, boredom, and bad luck.

2. The Marlin Obsession Story

[02:09 - 03:21]

• Bert details his long-running ambition to catch a marlin, which began at age 17 after reading The Old Man and the Sea.
• The cast affectionately teases Bert, comparing his “curse” to the literary classic:

  “Now your life is like Old Man and the Sea. You just cannot catch this marlin.” – E [03:09]

• Over the years, Bert has spent thousands and gone to top sport-fishing destinations (Cabo, Key West), always with no luck.

3. Superstitions: No Bananas Allowed

[04:10 - 05:11]

• Bert references fishing lore that bananas are bad luck on a boat—even banana-themed sunscreen is taboo.
• Demonstrates seriousness by leaving his “banana boat” lip balm at the hotel.
• Demands the hotel find him “the most experienced guide” to break his losing streak.

4. The Fishing Attempt: Everything That Could Go Wrong

[05:11 - 08:39]

• Bert describes meeting his rugged, leathery-skinned fishing guide whose English is minimal (“Perfect, perfect.”).
• The guide switches to big hooks—he means business.
• Disaster strikes as Bert re-injures his knee (already compromised from soccer), falling into the water while boarding.
• They fish for 6 hours in deep swells; Bert’s knee throbs as the day drags on.
• Outcome: “Not one nibble. Not one.” – C [07:30]

  “In his 60 years of fishing, he has never gone out that far and never caught a fish.” – (Guide via translator) [07:33]

• Even the guide is devastated:

  “I’m sad for you.” (in broken English) – Guide [10:27]

5. Emotional Fallout: From Humor to Frustration

[08:01 - 09:34]

• “The first four hours, I was kind of chuckling about it… The last two hours, I started to get a little pissy about it.” – Bert [08:01]
• With further attempts stymied by his injured knee, Bert spends two days beach-bound and bored. The proximity to surfing and family back home drives homesickness.
• Decision: Cut the trip short and return early, choosing family over the cursed quest.

  “Screw the fishing. So I flew back.” – C [09:31]

6. Surfers’ Envy & the Cost of Failure

[09:34 - 10:05]

• Bert had to watch talented surfers from his hotel while immobilized—a recipe for frustration.
• Spent $400 (plus a generous tip for his crestfallen guide, which the guide tried to refuse).

  “He was like, ‘No, no, no. We didn’t catch anything.’” – D [10:13] “I broke him. I broke him. He was so sad.” – C [10:20]

7. Audience Commiseration & The Unbreakable Curse

[10:48 - 11:20]

• A listener calls in to offer Bert a free fishing trip in Georgia, but Bert warns:

  “Please don’t do this. Don’t ask me to come. I will not come and mess things up for you.” – C [11:12] "There's no marlin in the rivers in North Georgia." – F [11:20] “There’s no marlin in the Pacific Ocean today.” – C [11:27]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I've been trying to catch a marlin since I was like 17 years old after I read Old Man in the Sea. Just been a dream of mine, and I am cursed when it comes to fishing.” – Bert [02:58]
• “Somebody joked and said, you're not even supposed to have like banana boat. Like the sunscreen, the sunscreen anywhere. So I actually had some lip balm. That was banana boat that I left in the hotel. And I didn't bring it on. I was not risking anything.” – Bert [04:17]
• “Six hours. Not one nibble.” – Bert [07:30]
• “In his 60 years of fishing, he has never gone out that far and never caught a fish.” – Bert recounting guide’s words [07:33]
• “I broke him. He was so sad… He said, ‘I’m sad for you.’” – Bert [10:20, 10:27]
• “There’s no marlin in the Pacific Ocean today.” – Bert [11:27]

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Segment Timestamps

• [01:32] – Return from vacation, Central America coincidence
• [02:09] – Bert’s solo trip and marlin hunting history
• [04:10] – Bananas and fishing superstition
• [05:11] – Meeting the guide and prepping the boat
• [06:46] – Injured knee and falling into the water
• [07:16 to 08:39] – Six hours at sea, total failure
• [08:01] – Shift from humor to frustration
• [09:09] – Decision to leave early, homesickness
• [09:34] – Watching surfers, reflecting on frustration
• [10:13] – Tipping the guide, emotional defeat
• [10:48] – Listener call offering a fishing trip; closing banter

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Tone & Language

Reflective and candid, with Bert’s characteristic self-deprecation, humor, and heartfelt vulnerability. The camaraderie of the cast is evident, as is their mix of ribbing and support.

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Summary Takeaway

Bert’s quest for marlin remains unfulfilled, but the episode—rich in storytelling, laughter, and a touch of existential resignation—offers a slice of real-life adventure, camaraderie, and the persistent hope that next time, someday, the marlin will bite.

Transcript

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[C]

We're all back from vacation here. Later on we'll check in with Jeff on his trip to Panama. And earlier this morning we talked to Jen about El Salvador.

[D]

And it was random. We didn't all end up in the three of us at least end up in Central America on purpose.

[C]

Yeah, definitely. Because we usually, mileage wise, we usually try to separate ourselves from very far, as far as we can go from each other. One's out in Australia, the other one's in New York City, the other one's in Buenos Aires. But the way it worked out this time, three of us were in Central America and I took my trip. This is the trip I take every year by myself. No friends, no family, just to get away. Totally defrag, right? So I was supposed to be down there for seven days. But dudes, I couldn't do it.

[D]

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew. I bet on it.

[C]

I Couldn't do it that long. Came back early. I came back early, yeah. For a couple of reasons. A, I jacked my knee up months ago playing soccer.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

And I had already booked this trip, so I was going to surf for seven days, which is the reason why I went to the town that I went to was just to surf, right? But I figured, you know what? I won't be able to surf, but I'll still be in Costa Rica, man. I'll just chill on the beach and I'll drive around and I'll make it happen because it's Costa Rica, so I'll figure out something. So I went down there and was bored to tears on the third day. And I'll tell you why. Because the second day I went deep sea fishing. First day there, plane lands, I go straight to the beach, chill out. Second day, I decide, you know what, I'm gonna catch this marlin because this has been my life.

[E]

This is marlin.

[D]

This is marlin, stream marlin.

[C]

And the history here, if you don't listen to the bird show, is I have been trying to catch a marlin since I was like 17 years old after I read Old man in the Sea. Just been a dream of mine, and I am cursed when it comes to fishing.

[E]

And now your life is like Old man in the Sea. You just cannot catch this marlin.

[C]

There is. I have actually turned into that guy. I'm as old as the dude in the book.

[A]

No, you're not old man.

[E]

I'm just saying you'll be 80 years old and you will still be trying to marlin.

[C]

So, you know, and I've gone deep sea fishing so many times, I spent so much time in the water, and now we're talking about thousands of dollars trying to catch a marlin. Because it's just so, I don't know, it's kind of romantic, but rugged. And I just want to get it done. And now it's, it's just a goal. So I've been to Cabo San Lucas. Didn't work out there. I surfed in Costa before and Key West. I've gone to the sports fishing capitals of the world and I never get a nibble. Everybody was telling me Costa Rica again is the place you gotta go and give it a try. So second day I'm there, I decide, let's do it. This is gonna be it. So through the hotel, I told them what my dilemma was. I'm like, dudes, I have the worst luck, the worst luck when it comes to sport fishing. So just Set me up with the most experienced guy you have. Cause I want to come home with a story. I really want this.

[D]

Did you remember the banana thing?

[C]

I did. In fact, I had the legend.

[F]

I forgot about that.

[C]

The legend is. And we. Because the last time I was complaining that I went deep sea fishing, didn't catch anything. It's like bananas in the fishing world are bad luck. Is the legend that you're not supposed to eat bananas. They're not supposed to be on the boat. Somebody joked and said, you're not even supposed to have like banana boat. Like the sunscreen, the sunscreen anywhere. So I actually had some lip balm. That was banana boat that I left in the hotel. And I didn't bring it on. I was not risking anything. Right, good. So I say, give me the most experienced dude you have. So they make a call. She says to me, I know exactly who you're going out with. So I pull up to this guy's boat and he's got this little itty bitty fishing boat. And it really was just like the one in the old man in the sea. Now I've gone deep sea fishing before and they're usually like double decker boats and they've got like GPS and fish finders and everything. Not this dude. This was the real deal.

[E]

See, this is like Rocky. This is the whole thing about the Russian cabin. So, you know, when Rocky, you know, got popular and he had all his fancy gym and stuff, he didn't win. But no, but when he went to the rushing, when he got raw, rugged, grew his beard, then he won.

[C]

Kick some ass, right? See, so I'm looking at this guy, really dark skin. I mean, leathery skin. He doesn't hardly have any teeth. He's wearing like a long sleeve T shirt that fishermen wear. Really leathery, sun drenched. This is my boy right here.

[D]

Did he speak any English?

[C]

Hardly at all. I probably spelled perfect. Even better. Perfect, perfect.

[F]

What if he walked up to the dock eating a banana?

[A]

What would you have done?

[C]

Here's what he understood. Because I had two different ways I could have gone with this. I could have gone right offshore and caught like tuna and smaller fish or gone deep sea fishing for the big stuff. Sailfish, marlin. So as soon as I got off, you know, out of the car and onto the boat, I said to him, look, man, sailfish, marlin. Sailfish, marlin. Today. Oh wait, today. So he understood it and he started changing the baits and he changed the hooks and everything. And all of a sudden these big ass hooks come Out. And dude was serious. He's like, nice. Just gave me this. Didn't even say, see, just thumbs up. So we're in his little itty bitty boat, and it's probably, I'm guessing, 12ft long, maybe.

[D]

That's little.

[F]

It's little.

[C]

It's a little itty bitty boat. But he's got all the rods out. We're all good to go. It took us about between 60 and 90 minutes to get out in deep swell. Oh, yeah, And I forgot this part as I was going into the boat. This changed everything about my trip. As I was going into the boat, you know, I got the bad right leg, right.

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm going into the boat, and I pivot wrong on it, and my knee clicks three times and goes out on me. And I fall back into the water with my backpack on. So my camera, my phone, everything. Which should have been the sign, right? So I'm in pain. And we're out there 90 minutes in deep swells, and my knee is hurting. But I'm like this. Someone is trying to put as many obstacles up as they can because today is going to be the day that I catch this marlin.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

So everything's all set up, you know, I mean, I'm looking at him. It's a beautiful day. There's nobody else out in the water at this point. It's 7:38 in the morning. I mean, I got up at 6, ready to go. Six hours. Not one nibble.

[D]

Nothing. Nothing.

[C]

One nibble.

[D]

Not kidding.

[C]

And listen to me, when y' all are emailing me telling me I don't know how to fish and I'm doing things wrong. There was never a fish on the hook. Not one nibble. When we got back to shore, through a translator, he said he's never, ever, ever gone out that far in his 60 years of fishing. He said these words, no way. My friend just said, in his 60 years of fishing, he has never gone out that far and never caught a fish.

[E]

But it's you. What is going on?

[C]

Like, for the first four hours. The first four hours, I was kind of chuckling about it. Like, okay, you know what? It's kind of funny. I mean, this is my record. This is what I'm going to have. But the last two hours, I started to get a little pissy about it.

[D]

I would have been, too. Oh, man, how frustrating. So you literally just sat there with this. It's just you and him for six hours.

[C]

And he was as stubborn as I was also, because I think the Trip was supposed to be, like, four hours.

[D]

He was like, oh, no, no, we're catching something.

[C]

So we stayed out there in, like, the rough seas. And he did. I mean, he was busting his ass. I've gone on enough of these things where I know when the crew is being lazy and when they're not. It was just me and him. He is doing everything he can. Not one nibble, y'.

[G]

All.

[C]

Not one nibble.

[E]

So you get to challenge to fishermen and try to get you out there to catch it. You know, I'm saying, like, because it's like this bad luck thing, or they

[F]

just refuse to take you.

[C]

Well, when I tell the fishermen, they. They think it's funny because they know that in their waters that that can never possibly happen. So they're almost like, I'm going to be the guy that breaks your record, get in my boat, and let's do this thing. And it's really, really weird now. It's like, now I'm starting to think it's like, a little weird curse going on.

[D]

Yeah, that is really frustrating.

[C]

Totally frustrating. So I had an opportunity two days later to go out and do it, but I literally was limping around Costa Rica for two days. I couldn't get around. So I was sitting in my beach chair for two days, and I was bored. And the more I was thinking, the more I was missing my family. And I'm like, I could either spend one more day on the water trying to catch this fish, or I can fly back on Thursday and hang out with my family the last half. And I'm like, screw the fishing. So I flew back.

[D]

So you came back. Well, did you get. Did you sit around and watch other people surf? Because I thought that in my mind, I was like, he's gonna miss his family. And second of all, I was like, he's gonna be sitting around watching other people be able to do what he wants to do, and he can't with the knee. And that's why you would go home.

[C]

Yeah. Right outside my hotel is one of the best breaks in that area. So surfers were in the water all morning, all day, and all night, so I couldn't do a thing about it.

[D]

That's frustrating.

[C]

So there was some humor in it, but I'm like, I just got to get out of here because it was just driving me nuts.

[D]

I can't believe.

[C]

Dude, six more hours, y'.

[G]

All.

[C]

Six hours and another $400. I felt so bad for him. I tipped him, like, 50, 60 bucks, which down there is huge. Yeah, and he didn't want to take my money.

[D]

He was like, no, no, no. We didn't catch anything.

[C]

We caught nothing. You don't give me any money.

[E]

He got like the expert of the world, and he still couldn't get a buy.

[C]

I broke him. I broke him. He was so sad. This is what he said to me as I got off the butt. I remember this. He said, I'm sad for you. Oh, no. Did he say it in Spanish in his broken English? I'm sad for you.

[E]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Because I think I'm the only one that's ever gone out that hasn't caught a fish.

[E]

You will get so frustrated. Really sad. He's gonna get frustrated. And as an old man, it'll be just you in the boat with the marlin.

[H]

I know.

[C]

And that'll. That's. That'll be my fate right there. Oh, my God. Hey, Dan. Good morning. You're on Q100.

[G]

Good morning. How's it going, man?

[C]

Okay, dude.

[E]

How are you for Bert?

[G]

Doing all right. Sorry about the trip. Sounds like you had a rough time out there.

[C]

You know what, dude? At the end of the day, it's Costa Rica. I got away for five days, so I'm not bitching.

[G]

Yeah, there you go. Hey, I'm a. I'm a guide for stripers in the Atlanta area. And actually, right now we're fishing the Romes up the rivers up in Rome, Georgia. And I figure you deserve a free trip after all that.

[C]

Don't. Don't do this to yourself and your fishing club. Please don't do this. Don't ask me to come. I will not come and mess things up for you.

[F]

I got. I mean, I know you're a guide and anything, and I don't want to overstep boundaries, but there's no marlin in the rivers in North Georgia.

[C]

Well, there's no marlin in the Pacific Ocean today. The first show.

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[D]

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[I]

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[D]

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[I]

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[D]

I've got ideas.

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