Vault: Did Her Boyfriend Ever Find Out She Was Spying?

Summary

The Bert Show - Vault: Did Her Boyfriend Ever Find Out She Was Spying?
Original Air Date: May 28, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into an outrageous real-life relationship drama, where listener Julie recounts her decision to spy on her (ex-)boyfriend using covert spyware installed on a laptop. The Bert Show cast, with their signature mix of humor and candor, walk listeners through the ups, downs, and absurdities of Julie’s tech-enabled sleuthing. Ultimately, the episode examines the fine—and often ridiculous—line between distrust, love, and “stepping into Psycho,” as they call it.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Julie's Initial Confession

• [01:17] Julie first calls in, admitting she’s in a ‘limbo’ with her ex-boyfriend, feeling on edge and deciding to buy an identical laptop so her brother can install spyware.
• Her plan: Swap her laptop for his, allowing her to monitor his emails and Facebook activity.

“Why don't I go and buy the same exact laptop that my boyfriend or whatever ex boyfriend got because my brother has the idea that he can install some kind of spy software. I can see exactly what my boyfriend is doing like on email and Facebook and any.”
— Julie [01:20]

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2. The Big Laptop Swap

• [01:58] Julie’s follow-up: She sneaks into her boyfriend’s place while he showers, swaps laptops, and waits for incriminating activity.
• For days, nothing comes through—her ex hasn’t set up or really used the laptop.

“I switched out our laptops. So now if he goes on it, email says anything. I'll receive an email on my email account saying spyware has detected whatever and got it. I haven't received any notifications...”
— Julie [01:58]

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3. The IT Guy Twist

• [02:33] The story escalates when her ex takes the laptop to his work IT department because of “issues.”
• The cast panics: Will the spyware be discovered and traced back to Julie?

“...I was kind of hinting at him. I was like, so what's going on with your new laptop?... I took the laptop into work. One of the IT guys is nice enough to look at it.”
— Julie [02:33]

• Bert, Jeff, and Melissa speculate about disaster: The IT guy might find proof of tampering, and the ex will realize Julie was behind it.

“The IT guy's probably gonna find the spyware, so...”
— Jeff [03:14]

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4. Julie’s Panic and Improvised Cover-Up

• [03:34] Julie returns live to explain her panicked reaction—fleeing with the laptop box and trying to act casual despite zero planning.
• Technical hiccup on the line brings a pause and some comic paranoia from the cast about who’s spying on whom.

“I just threw it in my car and, like, ran.”
— Julie [04:01]

• She invents an excuse about tossing the box in the trash, then offers to take the laptop to Best Buy for repairs.

“I said...I grabbed that box to take it to the dumpster, because I thought it was garbage. And now I'm realizing you probably need it to take care of Best Buy.”
— Julie [07:40]

• The ex gratefully accepts; Julie returns the original, “broken” laptop to Best Buy, successfully evading exposure.

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5. Reflection and “Judging the Psycho”

• [07:24] The hosts question why Julie would be in a relationship that inspired such distrust and subterfuge.
• Melissa recaps the show’s original premise: They wanted “steps into psycho”—but now, it’s time to actually judge.

“If you distrust this guy this much, then why even engage in any kind of relationship?”
— Host [07:26]

• Julie admits the process made her feel “not good” about herself and hints she may take a break after the holidays.

"Bottom line is I don't like how I felt about myself during this whole thing. So if this guy is...triggering something in me that I don't like about myself, that's not a good sign.”
— Julie [08:21]

• Bert (jokingly) gives her credit for her “good plan.”
• Host advises Julie never to reveal her actions to him, ever—it's the stuff of deal breakers.

“Never, ever, under no circumstance should you ever tell him that you stepped into Psycho and did this with his computer.”
— Host [09:15]

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6. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “This has been like four steps of psycho here.” — Host [08:03]
• “Crazy is okay as long as it's grounded in love.” — Bert [08:52]
• “There’s a lot of Jedi’s in here about it, right?” — Julie [08:56]
• “If that's how you have to do it, then for the good of love, by all means, spyware.” — Bert [09:05]
• “Thank you for all these psycho chicks because they make me feel so much better about myself.” — Caller Laura [10:19]
• “We urge you crazy people to continue to call in...” — Host [10:50]

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• [01:17] Julie’s initial plan and rationale
• [01:58] Julie swaps laptops and installs spyware
• [02:33] The IT department curveball
• [03:34] Julie details her panicked scheme
• [07:32] Julie improvises to avoid exposure
• [08:21] Julie reflects on her actions
• [09:15] Hosts’ advice: Never confess
• [10:19] Caller Laura provides meta-commentary

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Summary & Flow

Starting as a segment inviting listeners to share their “over-the-top” actions in love, the episode delivers one of the wildest stories The Bert Show has aired. Julie’s espionage efforts, desperate cover-up, and self-reflection provide ample fodder for the cast’s blend of empathetic teasing and genuine concern. The hosts (and listener Laura) highlight the voyeuristic thrill of such real-life drama, while also urging self-awareness—and maybe a little less psycho—in matters of the heart.

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Final Takeaways

• Digging into someone’s digital life rarely leads to peace of mind—or a healthy relationship.
• If you feel compelled to “go psycho,” maybe the relationship isn’t right for you.
• The Bert Show’s supportive-yet-sarcastic tone makes even the craziest tales cathartic—and hilariously relatable.

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Transcript

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[Bert]

The Burt Show.

[Host]

All right, let's try to get through this whole complicated storyline with Julie here quickly. At first we asked women if you were stepping into Psycho over the weekend, doing something crazy that you know is crazy. You're gonna do it anyway though, cause he pushed you into it. Then call us and tell us what you're gonna do. And this was the first time she called.

[Julie]

I'm kind of seeing my ex boyfriend. We're kind of on Instagram, the limbo area right now. So I think that alone is making me a little on edge. Why don't I go and buy the same exact laptop that my boyfriend or whatever ex boyfriend got because my brother has the idea that he can install some kind of spy software. I can see exactly what my boyfriend is doing like on email and Facebook and any.

[Host]

Alright, so this was the follow up. Then on Monday, how did it go? All she had to do is install the spyware on ex boyfriend's computer.

[Julie]

I went over to my boyfriend's house and while he was in the shower I switched out our laptops. So now if he goes on it, email says anything. I'll receive an email on my email account saying spyware has detected whatever and got it. I haven't received, I haven't received any notifications saying that you know, he's up to something.

[Host]

So we were waiting and waiting and waiting for this guy to use his email or what have you so she could come back on and tell us exactly what she's found. So this was the final time that we talked to her a couple of days ago. This is what she told us.

[Julie]

Well, I got my. My laptop. We switched it out. My brother put the fireware on it. Nothing's happened. I haven't seen anything because he hasn't set it up. And then I was kind of hinting at him. I was like, so, what's going on with your new laptop? Because, oh, no, you know, I thought you really wanted it. And he goes, oh, I took the laptop into work. One of the IT guys is nice enough to look at it.

[Melissa]

Oh, God.

[Host]

All right. And the subtext on that was like, didn't she run out of the house with, like, the box of the laptop or something like that for no reason?

[Bert]

Panicked and grabbed it and ran?

[Host]

And the it part of the whole thing. What were we so upset about that whole thing about?

[Jeff]

Because the IT guy's gonna. Was looking at the computer because the boyfriend. There was problems with the computer, so he sent it to the IT guy at work. So the IT guy's probably gonna find the spyware, so.

[Host]

And then he was gonna tell the ex boyfriend. Ex boyfriend would probably track it on back to Julie here. So she was painting herself into a pretty tight corner. And she's back with us. Hey, Julie.

[Julie]

Hi, guys. How are you?

[Host]

Good. How are you today?

[Julie]

Great.

[Melissa]

Great.

[Host]

Don't tell me that somehow, some way, this plan has actually worked.

[Julie]

Well, I wouldn't say it worked in the original incarnation, but I. So here's what happened. So last time I spoke to you, I had taken the box to my boyfriend's laptop. I don't know what I was thinking. I just threw it in my car and, like, ran.

[Host]

Totally panic

[Julie]

at all. Reason went out the window and. Well, it went out the window a long time ago, but.

[Host]

Hey, Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie. Let me stop you here for one second. I'm gonna have producer Tracy call you right back because there's a weird click in the line, and it's just sort of. It's tough to listen to. So let me have her call you right back.

[Julie]

Okay? Sure.

[Host]

Okay. Now, my guess is that he has installed some kind of software on her phone, and that's.

[Melissa]

He's tapping it.

[Host]

He's tapping into her conversation.

[Bert]

Now that we know, what are we gonna make predictions? Now that we know that she says it's gone.

[Jeff]

I couldn't tell if she's being honest or sarcastic.

[Bert]

You thought you thought she was being honest? Yeah.

[Host]

Yeah, she sounded genuinely pretty excited that somehow she's pulled this off.

[Bert]

I don't Know, I think she 1 million percent took Melissa's advice and said,

[Jeff]

the box that she was taking out for trash.

[Bert]

Yeah. And either threw it out or said, oh, my God, I took this by accident and returned it to him. And now the box is back in his house. The IT guy fixed the computer without ever detecting the software. Life is good.

[Host]

I'm feeling strongly connected to the ex boyfriend. Like, I feel somehow I gotta get in touch with him and just let him know if he gets back with her, the kind of crazy he's gonna be dealing with.

[Melissa]

I just can't figure out how she could have gotten out of it. How she could have gotten out of it.

[Bert]

Melissa's answer was perfect. Just throw. Throw the box away. Garbage. And then when she's like, oh, my God, when he says, oh, my God, where's the box? All she has to say is, I ditched it.

[Jeff]

And I think Jeff's right. I agree with him about the IT guy. Didn't find the spyware.

[Bert]

I think he totally fixed it. IT guys are wily.

[Host]

Okay, Julie, you're back.

[Julie]

There we go.

[Jeff]

Way better.

[Host]

Yes. Thank you.

[Julie]

Okay, so the last in my saga was the box was in my car, and I really didn't have a plan at this point, so I'm going back to, like, let me just play, try to be cool about the whole thing. So I talked to him, I think it was yesterday, and I said, so what's going on with your laptop? Did the guys in the IT department figure it out? And he goes, no, they couldn't. They couldn't find anything wrong with it, so I need to take it back to Best Buy. And I said, you know what? What's so funny is that when I was at your apartment last time, I grabbed that box to take it to the. To the dumpster, because I thought it was garbage. And now I'm realizing you probably need it to take care of Best Buy. And he goes, oh, yeah, I was wondering where it was. I'd really love to. Love to have it back. And I said, well, you know what? I have to do some shopping over there. Why don't I. Since the IT guys couldn't figure it out, why don't I take it and drop it off with the Geek Squad since I have the box? And he's like, oh, my God, that would be awesome. I have so much other crap to do. That would be great. I now have his dirty laptop with all the spyware on it, and I switched it out, put his original laptop back in the box, dropped it off At Best Buy. And there's obviously nothing wrong with it. So that's the story.

[Jeff]

And now you're gonna keep. Are you stopping the spyware saga? And you're just gonna.

[Julie]

Okay, no.

[Bert]

Now she's got spyware. Now she has a broken laptop with spyware on it. With spyware on it. But when you do get a fix, you're gonna get an email every time you do something on your own laptop.

[Julie]

What am I doing?

[Bert]

How annoying is that gonna be?

[Julie]

Oh my God. You see all that?

[Jeff]

Myself? I am so sn.

[Host]

Now, Julie, if we're gonna take a departure from the crazy part of this whole thing and you look at it objectively, if you distrust this guy this much, then why even engage in any kind of relationship?

[Bert]

Hold on. Before you even answer that, Julie Burke, give her a little credit for. That is a good plan right there.

[Host]

I'm glad it worked out for you.

[Bert]

That's a good plan right there.

[Host]

But still, I feel like I need to protect the dude. Cuz you have that crazy in you and it's trying to get out.

[Julie]

So underneath it is, you know, rational, love, good person. I just don't know where that's what

[Melissa]

we asked for was stepping into psycho. Remember at the beginning you were like, we're not here to judge, right? We're just here to hear your judgment.

[Host]

This has been like four steps of psycho here.

[Melissa]

Now it's time to judge.

[Host]

All I'm saying is, are you looking at it now thinking, okay, if I distrust him that much, and I was crazy a couple of days ago when I had this hair brain idea then, do you realize now that, look, maybe I just shouldn't be in it? Are you going to pursue this guy?

[Julie]

Um, it's hard because it's the holidays right now, so I really don't want to like disrupt anything. You know, we're going to go to some parties together. I really don't want to make any major moves right now, but I. Bottom line is I don't like how I felt about myself during this whole thing. So if this guy is kind of like triggering something in me that I don't like about myself, that's not a good sign, Julie.

[Host]

Irrational statement. You know what very level headed rational statement Bert is?

[Bert]

Don't listen to him. Crazy is okay as long as it's grounded in love.

[Julie]

There's a lot of Jedis in here about it, right?

[Bert]

If you're coming from a place of love, even if he doesn't know that he loves you, but your job is to show him Even by showing him emails that he actually wrote to people that you don't even know. If that's how you have to do it, then for the good of love, by all means, spyware.

[Host]

And Julia, I do want to. I want to give you this piece of advice. Let's say this all works out and you guys end up married for 40 years. Never, ever, under no circumstance should you ever tell him that you stepped into Psycho and did this with his computer. Never, ever, ever. Because it can always be a deal breaker.

[Julie]

Okay, I won't tell him.

[Host]

Never. All right. I want you to protect it way better than Tiger woods ever would have thought about protecting the 13 affairs that he had. Okay.

[Julie]

Okay.

[Host]

It's our secret.

[Jeff]

I'm glad it worked out.

[Julie]

Why?

[Melissa]

That's funny.

[Jeff]

The whole reason that she started.

[Bert]

Melissa, good job.

[Jeff]

Thank you, Jeff$. I mean, like, the whole reason she started this was because he was not committing to her, and she's trying to figure out why. So it. Everything starts out in a nice, like, wine with friends idea. That sounds good, because you want the reason why he won't settle down with her. But then, you know, so it was able to work out okay.

[Host]

She's still in the same place now she was before she called us.

[Jeff]

Yeah, that she doesn't know why he won't settle down with her.

[Host]

Laura, good morning. You're part of the Burt Show. Hello.

[Laura]

Good morning. I just want to thank you guys for all these psycho chicks because they make me feel so much better about myself. Between her and the bank fraud chick, you know, that's stealing money for her brother, bounced a check or whatever, all of them, they just cracked me up. The reality shows that we watch on tv, people watch that because it makes them feel better about themselves. But then there's the jokes that it's not really reality. You guys let us know by doing these psycho chicks that it really is reality for some people.

[Host]

And God bless them.

[Laura]

I just feel so much better. Thank you so much.

[Host]

And we urge you crazy people to continue to call in in two thousand and ten. We need you.

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