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Bert
The Burt Show.
Host
All right, let's try to get through this whole complicated storyline with Julie here quickly. At first we asked women if you were stepping into Psycho over the weekend, doing something crazy that you know is crazy. You're gonna do it anyway though, cause he pushed you into it. Then call us and tell us what you're gonna do. And this was the first time she called.
Julie
I'm kind of seeing my ex boyfriend. We're kind of on Instagram, the limbo area right now. So I think that alone is making me a little on edge. Why don't I go and buy the same exact laptop that my boyfriend or whatever ex boyfriend got because my brother has the idea that he can install some kind of spy software. I can see exactly what my boyfriend is doing like on email and Facebook and any.
Host
Alright, so this was the follow up. Then on Monday, how did it go? All she had to do is install the spyware on ex boyfriend's computer.
Julie
I went over to my boyfriend's house and while he was in the shower I switched out our laptops. So now if he goes on it, email says anything. I'll receive an email on my email account saying spyware has detected whatever and got it. I haven't received, I haven't received any notifications saying that you know, he's up to something.
Host
So we were waiting and waiting and waiting for this guy to use his email or what have you so she could come back on and tell us exactly what she's found. So this was the final time that we talked to her a couple of days ago. This is what she told us.
Julie
Well, I got my. My laptop. We switched it out. My brother put the fireware on it. Nothing's happened. I haven't seen anything because he hasn't set it up. And then I was kind of hinting at him. I was like, so, what's going on with your new laptop? Because, oh, no, you know, I thought you really wanted it. And he goes, oh, I took the laptop into work. One of the IT guys is nice enough to look at it.
Melissa
Oh, God.
Host
All right. And the subtext on that was like, didn't she run out of the house with, like, the box of the laptop or something like that for no reason?
Bert
Panicked and grabbed it and ran?
Host
And the it part of the whole thing. What were we so upset about that whole thing about?
Jeff
Because the IT guy's gonna. Was looking at the computer because the boyfriend. There was problems with the computer, so he sent it to the IT guy at work. So the IT guy's probably gonna find the spyware, so.
Host
And then he was gonna tell the ex boyfriend. Ex boyfriend would probably track it on back to Julie here. So she was painting herself into a pretty tight corner. And she's back with us. Hey, Julie.
Julie
Hi, guys. How are you?
Host
Good. How are you today?
Julie
Great.
Melissa
Great.
Host
Don't tell me that somehow, some way, this plan has actually worked.
Julie
Well, I wouldn't say it worked in the original incarnation, but I. So here's what happened. So last time I spoke to you, I had taken the box to my boyfriend's laptop. I don't know what I was thinking. I just threw it in my car and, like, ran.
Host
Totally panic
Julie
at all. Reason went out the window and. Well, it went out the window a long time ago, but.
Host
Hey, Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie. Let me stop you here for one second. I'm gonna have producer Tracy call you right back because there's a weird click in the line, and it's just sort of. It's tough to listen to. So let me have her call you right back.
Julie
Okay? Sure.
Host
Okay. Now, my guess is that he has installed some kind of software on her phone, and that's.
Melissa
He's tapping it.
Host
He's tapping into her conversation.
Bert
Now that we know, what are we gonna make predictions? Now that we know that she says it's gone.
Jeff
I couldn't tell if she's being honest or sarcastic.
Bert
You thought you thought she was being honest? Yeah.
Host
Yeah, she sounded genuinely pretty excited that somehow she's pulled this off.
Bert
I don't Know, I think she 1 million percent took Melissa's advice and said,
Jeff
the box that she was taking out for trash.
Bert
Yeah. And either threw it out or said, oh, my God, I took this by accident and returned it to him. And now the box is back in his house. The IT guy fixed the computer without ever detecting the software. Life is good.
Host
I'm feeling strongly connected to the ex boyfriend. Like, I feel somehow I gotta get in touch with him and just let him know if he gets back with her, the kind of crazy he's gonna be dealing with.
Melissa
I just can't figure out how she could have gotten out of it. How she could have gotten out of it.
Bert
Melissa's answer was perfect. Just throw. Throw the box away. Garbage. And then when she's like, oh, my God, when he says, oh, my God, where's the box? All she has to say is, I ditched it.
Jeff
And I think Jeff's right. I agree with him about the IT guy. Didn't find the spyware.
Bert
I think he totally fixed it. IT guys are wily.
Host
Okay, Julie, you're back.
Julie
There we go.
Jeff
Way better.
Host
Yes. Thank you.
Julie
Okay, so the last in my saga was the box was in my car, and I really didn't have a plan at this point, so I'm going back to, like, let me just play, try to be cool about the whole thing. So I talked to him, I think it was yesterday, and I said, so what's going on with your laptop? Did the guys in the IT department figure it out? And he goes, no, they couldn't. They couldn't find anything wrong with it, so I need to take it back to Best Buy. And I said, you know what? What's so funny is that when I was at your apartment last time, I grabbed that box to take it to the. To the dumpster, because I thought it was garbage. And now I'm realizing you probably need it to take care of Best Buy. And he goes, oh, yeah, I was wondering where it was. I'd really love to. Love to have it back. And I said, well, you know what? I have to do some shopping over there. Why don't I. Since the IT guys couldn't figure it out, why don't I take it and drop it off with the Geek Squad since I have the box? And he's like, oh, my God, that would be awesome. I have so much other crap to do. That would be great. I now have his dirty laptop with all the spyware on it, and I switched it out, put his original laptop back in the box, dropped it off At Best Buy. And there's obviously nothing wrong with it. So that's the story.
Jeff
And now you're gonna keep. Are you stopping the spyware saga? And you're just gonna.
Julie
Okay, no.
Bert
Now she's got spyware. Now she has a broken laptop with spyware on it. With spyware on it. But when you do get a fix, you're gonna get an email every time you do something on your own laptop.
Julie
What am I doing?
Bert
How annoying is that gonna be?
Julie
Oh my God. You see all that?
Jeff
Myself? I am so sn.
Host
Now, Julie, if we're gonna take a departure from the crazy part of this whole thing and you look at it objectively, if you distrust this guy this much, then why even engage in any kind of relationship?
Bert
Hold on. Before you even answer that, Julie Burke, give her a little credit for. That is a good plan right there.
Host
I'm glad it worked out for you.
Bert
That's a good plan right there.
Host
But still, I feel like I need to protect the dude. Cuz you have that crazy in you and it's trying to get out.
Julie
So underneath it is, you know, rational, love, good person. I just don't know where that's what
Melissa
we asked for was stepping into psycho. Remember at the beginning you were like, we're not here to judge, right? We're just here to hear your judgment.
Host
This has been like four steps of psycho here.
Melissa
Now it's time to judge.
Host
All I'm saying is, are you looking at it now thinking, okay, if I distrust him that much, and I was crazy a couple of days ago when I had this hair brain idea then, do you realize now that, look, maybe I just shouldn't be in it? Are you going to pursue this guy?
Julie
Um, it's hard because it's the holidays right now, so I really don't want to like disrupt anything. You know, we're going to go to some parties together. I really don't want to make any major moves right now, but I. Bottom line is I don't like how I felt about myself during this whole thing. So if this guy is kind of like triggering something in me that I don't like about myself, that's not a good sign, Julie.
Host
Irrational statement. You know what very level headed rational statement Bert is?
Bert
Don't listen to him. Crazy is okay as long as it's grounded in love.
Julie
There's a lot of Jedis in here about it, right?
Bert
If you're coming from a place of love, even if he doesn't know that he loves you, but your job is to show him Even by showing him emails that he actually wrote to people that you don't even know. If that's how you have to do it, then for the good of love, by all means, spyware.
Host
And Julia, I do want to. I want to give you this piece of advice. Let's say this all works out and you guys end up married for 40 years. Never, ever, under no circumstance should you ever tell him that you stepped into Psycho and did this with his computer. Never, ever, ever. Because it can always be a deal breaker.
Julie
Okay, I won't tell him.
Host
Never. All right. I want you to protect it way better than Tiger woods ever would have thought about protecting the 13 affairs that he had. Okay.
Julie
Okay.
Host
It's our secret.
Jeff
I'm glad it worked out.
Julie
Why?
Melissa
That's funny.
Jeff
The whole reason that she started.
Bert
Melissa, good job.
Jeff
Thank you, Jeff$. I mean, like, the whole reason she started this was because he was not committing to her, and she's trying to figure out why. So it. Everything starts out in a nice, like, wine with friends idea. That sounds good, because you want the reason why he won't settle down with her. But then, you know, so it was able to work out okay.
Host
She's still in the same place now she was before she called us.
Jeff
Yeah, that she doesn't know why he won't settle down with her.
Host
Laura, good morning. You're part of the Burt Show. Hello.
Laura
Good morning. I just want to thank you guys for all these psycho chicks because they make me feel so much better about myself. Between her and the bank fraud chick, you know, that's stealing money for her brother, bounced a check or whatever, all of them, they just cracked me up. The reality shows that we watch on tv, people watch that because it makes them feel better about themselves. But then there's the jokes that it's not really reality. You guys let us know by doing these psycho chicks that it really is reality for some people.
Host
And God bless them.
Laura
I just feel so much better. Thank you so much.
Host
And we urge you crazy people to continue to call in in two thousand and ten. We need you.
Dish Network Announcer
The Bird show.
The Bert Show - Vault: Did Her Boyfriend Ever Find Out She Was Spying?
Original Air Date: May 28, 2026
This episode dives into an outrageous real-life relationship drama, where listener Julie recounts her decision to spy on her (ex-)boyfriend using covert spyware installed on a laptop. The Bert Show cast, with their signature mix of humor and candor, walk listeners through the ups, downs, and absurdities of Julie’s tech-enabled sleuthing. Ultimately, the episode examines the fine—and often ridiculous—line between distrust, love, and “stepping into Psycho,” as they call it.
“Why don't I go and buy the same exact laptop that my boyfriend or whatever ex boyfriend got because my brother has the idea that he can install some kind of spy software. I can see exactly what my boyfriend is doing like on email and Facebook and any.”
— Julie [01:20]
“I switched out our laptops. So now if he goes on it, email says anything. I'll receive an email on my email account saying spyware has detected whatever and got it. I haven't received any notifications...”
— Julie [01:58]
“...I was kind of hinting at him. I was like, so what's going on with your new laptop?... I took the laptop into work. One of the IT guys is nice enough to look at it.”
— Julie [02:33]
“The IT guy's probably gonna find the spyware, so...”
— Jeff [03:14]
“I just threw it in my car and, like, ran.”
— Julie [04:01]
“I said...I grabbed that box to take it to the dumpster, because I thought it was garbage. And now I'm realizing you probably need it to take care of Best Buy.”
— Julie [07:40]
“If you distrust this guy this much, then why even engage in any kind of relationship?”
— Host [07:26]
"Bottom line is I don't like how I felt about myself during this whole thing. So if this guy is...triggering something in me that I don't like about myself, that's not a good sign.”
— Julie [08:21]
“Never, ever, under no circumstance should you ever tell him that you stepped into Psycho and did this with his computer.”
— Host [09:15]
Starting as a segment inviting listeners to share their “over-the-top” actions in love, the episode delivers one of the wildest stories The Bert Show has aired. Julie’s espionage efforts, desperate cover-up, and self-reflection provide ample fodder for the cast’s blend of empathetic teasing and genuine concern. The hosts (and listener Laura) highlight the voyeuristic thrill of such real-life drama, while also urging self-awareness—and maybe a little less psycho—in matters of the heart.