Vault: Did Melissa kiss Ron Jeremy?...No but...

Summary

The Bert Show — Episode Summary

Episode Overview

Title: Vault: Did Melissa kiss Ron Jeremy?...No but...
Air Date: July 1, 2026
Main Theme:
This episode of The Bert Show centers on an awkward and memorable studio visit from adult film star Ron Jeremy. The cast shares behind-the-scenes details about Jeremy’s visit, Melissa Carter’s unexpected “birthday hug,” and reflects on handling unexpected situations in a light-hearted, self-deprecating manner. The show also weaves in humor about age and celebrates Melissa’s milestone birthday with the signature Bert Show camaraderie.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Melissa’s “Close Encounter” with Ron Jeremy

• Studio Recap: The cast recounts Ron Jeremy’s recent appearance in the studio and the chaos it brought.
• The Hug Incident: Melissa describes the awkward moment when Ron insisted on hugging her, sparking playful banter among the crew.
• Kiss on the Head: Jeremy sealed the hug by kissing Melissa on the head, which becomes the punchline of the segment.

Co-host 3 (abridged): “He said, ‘No, I gotta hug pretty ladies.’ So he came and gave me a hug… And then he kissed me on my head.” (01:39)

2. Reactions, Gross-Outs, and Running Jokes

• The team reacts with feigned horror and playful concern about where Ron’s lips had been.
• Melissa admits she felt uncomfortable during the hug and tries to describe her “butt out” approach.

Co-host 2: “Do you know where those lips have been?” (01:47)
Co-host 2: “If I were you, I would shave the hair as though you had lice.” (01:55)

• Melissa amusedly recounts her internal monologue during the encounter, including having her face nearly in Ron’s armpit.

3. The One That Got Away — Missed Question

• The cast laments not asking Jeremy a frequently submitted listener question: what advice he would have for women with partners who are “really, really bad in bed.”
• They joke about inviting him back for the next birthday, passing the torch to Bert for the next experience.

Co-host 2: “He would have been the dude to ask.” (02:37)

4. Melissa’s Birthday, Age, and a Playful News Story

• The group shifts to celebrating Melissa’s 40th birthday, joking about coming to terms with the new decade.
• In a classic morning show bit, they “report” that Melissa has been recognized as “the world’s oldest person” by AP News, poking fun at age and longevity.

Announcer: “A Georgian television station has shown what it says to be the world’s oldest person. The woman is named Melissa Carter… born back in 1880… That will make her 130 years old.” (03:33)

• The team congratulates Melissa and riffs on the fake news segment as a point of pride.

5. Attitude Toward Aging

• Melissa expresses comfort in turning 40 and approaches it with humor and positivity.

Melissa Carter: “I am totally fine with it. I’m not somebody that has been freaked out about 40. I embrace it. I think it’s cool.” (03:12)

6. Pop Culture Nod

• Quick mention of Betty White’s upcoming SNL appearance, aligning themselves playfully as “contemporaries” with beloved older celebrities.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I thought, I don’t know if I want to shake his hand. And then he said, ‘No, I gotta hug pretty ladies.’ So he came and gave me a hug. And then he kissed me on my head.”
  — Co-host 3, describing the Ron Jeremy encounter (01:39)
• “If I were you, I would shave the hair as though you had lice.”
  — Co-host 2, grossed out by Ron Jeremy’s kiss (01:55)
• “He would have been the dude to ask.”
  — Co-host 2, on missing out on key “bad in bed” advice from Ron Jeremy (02:37)
• “I am totally fine with it. I’m not somebody that has been freaked out about 40. I embrace it. I think it’s cool.”
  — Melissa Carter, on turning 40 (03:12)
• “A Georgian television station has shown what it says to be the world’s oldest person… The woman is named Melissa Carter… born back in 1880.”
  — Announcer, faux-news segment (03:33)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:03: The Ron Jeremy studio visit is introduced.
• 01:24: Melissa recounts the “birthday hug” that turned into a kiss on the head.
• 01:47: Co-hosts react with jokes about cleanliness and Ron Jeremy’s hygiene.
• 02:16: Reflection on Jeremy as a guest; regret at a missed opportunity to ask relationship/sex questions.
• 02:44: Banter about who has the next birthday and passing the Ron Jeremy “hug” torch.
• 03:09: Birthday wishes for Melissa; discussion about turning 40.
• 03:33: Fake news segment claiming Melissa is the “world’s oldest person.”
• 03:12 and 04:10: Melissa embraces turning 40 and reflects on age with positivity.

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Tone and Style

• The episode is light-hearted, sarcastic, and self-deprecating.
• The humor is both irreverent and affectionate, especially when teasing Melissa about her “encounter” and her birthday.

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For New Listeners

This episode is a quintessential The Bert Show morning mix: real-life awkward moments, genuine friendship, crazy newsroom stunts, and unfiltered takes on both embarrassing and everyday situations. The interplay among the cast ensures that the awkwardness is always funny and relatable, making even a “gross” celebrity guest story into must-listen morning radio.

Transcript

[Melissa Carter]

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[Announcer]

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[Co-host 1]

Visit your nearby Lowe's.

[Announcer]

The Bird Show.

[Co-host 2]

She kissed Ron Jeremy and she liked it.

[Co-host 1]

Oh, my God.

[Co-host 3]

I'm sitting in my chair. Okay, so of course, we just had Run Jeremy in studio. I hope Jen's listening to this in la. So we had Run Jeremy in studio. Okay, everything's fine. And I thought I got. Because Bert kept saying, oh, you're gonna get big, huh? He's gonna give you a big hug.

[Melissa Carter]

It was gonna be a birthday hug.

[Co-host 3]

So I thought, perfect, he's getting out of here, everything's fine. And then he turned and he was shaking Jeff's hand. He was shaking Bert's hand. I thought, I'll shake his hand. And then I thought, I don't know if I want to shake his hand. And then he said, no, I gotta. I gotta hug pretty ladies. So he came and gave me a hug. And it was, you know. You know how when you're hugging someone, you really don't want to hug? So I'm almost giving the kind of, I don't know, the butt out hug. Yeah, well, and then he kissed me on my head.

[Co-host 2]

And so do you know where those lips have been?

[Co-host 3]

I know. Thank God it was. And so he kissed me on the top of my head, I guess, like, I'm a good girl and if I

[Co-host 2]

were you, I would shave the hair as though you had lice.

[Announcer]

Wow.

[Co-host 3]

And so, yeah, I just wanted to know your inner monologue. At that very moment as he's approaching, I was staring at Bert. Wait, no, no, no, no, no. I saw him coming. And then the way we were hugging, my face was almost in his pit. And he was kissing the top of my head. And I was looking over his shoulder. I was looking over at Burt, who was giving the fist pump.

[Co-host 2]

Like, yeah, he turned out to be a really nice guy. And I think he handled himself and the show handled it very, very well. Very well. Once he left, I said to Wendy, I'm like, you know what? We didn. The question that we get time and time again from women is, look, if my guy is really, really bad in bed, is there anything I can really do about it? And he would have been the dude to ask.

[Co-host 1]

Bummer.

[Co-host 2]

Next time, Melissa, when you have him

[Co-host 3]

come in next time and visit the next birthday.

[Co-host 1]

Who's that?

[Co-host 3]

Oh, I have the next birthday. When's your birthday? July 9th. Oh, Bert has the next birthday.

[Co-host 1]

Oh, hey. Got you a birthday present. Yes.

[Melissa Carter]

Like you, Melissa, Ron Jeremy was a

[Announcer]

star when my dad was a good kid.

[Co-host 2]

Your dad probably has a whole collection, actually.

[Melissa Carter]

Do you want to call him later

[Announcer]

today and talk about stuff?

[Co-host 1]

Your dad?

[Announcer]

Yes.

[Co-host 3]

Well, I was telling Wendy, I'm so excited that Betty White's going to be on Saturday Night Live because we're contemporary.

[Co-host 2]

Melissa turns 40 years old today.

[Co-host 3]

Yes.

[Co-host 1]

Happy birthday. Thank you.

[Co-host 3]

Thank you. Yes. And I am totally fine with it. I'm not somebody that has been freaked out about 40. I embrace it. I think it's cool. It is going to. It's going to take some getting used to to say I'm in my 40s. That is an odd phrase to say, but yeah, no, I am totally fine with it.

[Co-host 2]

This is if you missed this. Earlier this morning, the AP News did a story on our very own Melissa Carter and her birthday.

[Announcer]

Pretty. A Georgian television station has shown what it says to be the world's oldest person. The woman is named Melissa Carter. The station says she was born back in 1880. That will make her 130 years old, man. The station says it established her birth date from documents at the country's civil registration agency. Now, if authentic, the woman would be the world's oldest living person by nearly two decades. Georgia Civil Registry Agency is now trying to get the woman's documents verified, possibly putting her in the Guinness Book of World Record. Brian Thomas, the Associated Press Very cool

[Co-host 2]

for AP to do that.

[Co-host 3]

I know. Congratulations. Yeah. And to win some kind of competition is always important in this room. So it's gonna be in the Guinness Book world record, the oldest. Awesome. Awesome.

[Announcer]

Hey, the Bird show.

[Melissa Carter]

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[Announcer]

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[Co-host 1]

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