Vault: Did she admit to her boyfriend she's not Jewish?

Summary

The Bert Show – Episode Summary

Episode Title: Vault: Did she admit to her boyfriend she's not Jewish?
Release Date: May 20, 2026
Main Cast: Bert (host), Val (guest), show regulars, and callers

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Overview

This episode dives into a real-life romantic dilemma faced by Val, a listener who’s been hiding the truth about her religious identity from her boyfriend and his family. After meeting her boyfriend at a Jewish event, Val allowed him (and subsequently his family) to believe she was Jewish—but she isn't. As their relationship deepens, the web of white lies gets more tangled, especially during a family Thanksgiving with his large, tight-knit, Jewish family. The show explores whether Val came clean, the emotional fallout of her decisions, and gets input from both the show's hosts and passionate callers.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Setup: Val’s Lie and Its Escalation (01:32–03:00)

• Backstory: Val met her boyfriend at a Jewish gathering and lied to him about being Jewish, thinking it would be a minor fib. The relationship developed, and soon his family (particularly his mother) assumed she was Jewish too.
• Complications: The lie balloons in significance as Val is invited to Thanksgiving with his extended family, all under the impression she shares their faith.
• Emotional Strain: Val’s mounting guilt over her dishonesty is palpable, especially knowing that his mother is particularly invested in his dating a "nice Jewish girl."

2. The Family Gathering & Dodging Discovery (03:22–04:38)

• Family Dynamics: Val recounts the impressively large Thanksgiving gathering ("between 40 to 50 people there at the huge... heaters to keep everybody warm... included everybody"), emphasizing the warmth and inclusion she felt.
• Avoidance Tactics: She admits to keeping herself busy helping out to avoid in-depth religious conversations:

  “I just kept myself, you know, busy doing things to help out, which was great because then I could just kind of hide.” (04:14, Val)

3. Confiding in a Family Member (04:38–05:07)

• The Secret Slips: Overwhelmed by guilt, Val reveals her truth to her boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend, receiving reassurance that religion is more cultural for most of the family—except the mother:

  "She made me feel so much better about it because what she said was, everybody in the family pretty much isn't really… It's more, you know, cultural versus, you know, they're really active in their faith." (04:38, Val)

4. Risks of Spreading the Secret (05:16–06:29)

• Potential Fallout: The hosts and callers voice concerns about gossip:

  “How close is the cousin to your boyfriend? Because my fear here is that the girlfriend says something to the cousin and the cousin calls your brother and then it’s a mess.” (05:16, Birch)

• Val’s Anxiety: Val expresses fear that news might leak overnight:

  "That's one of those things you like wake up in the middle of the night. Oh my gosh. Because she totally could…” (05:30, Val)

5. Honest vs. Charming: Could the Truth Backfire? (05:45–06:21)

• Panel Opinions: Some hosts wonder if coming clean might seem endearing—showing Val’s affection for her boyfriend, while others caution the risk of him using it as an "escape hatch."
• Mom’s Influence: The hosts repeatedly probe whether Val’s boyfriend is a "mama’s boy," hinting at how maternal approval could be pivotal.

6. Face-to-Face with the Mother (06:44–07:12)

• No Direct Confrontation: When finally meeting the mother, Val notes the mother welcomes her warmly as a "nice Jewish girl," making the deception all the more stressful:

  "See, that's the worst part about it. I guess the good news is I got away with it, but the bad news is I got away with it." (06:56, Val)

7. The Ethical Debate: Callers Weigh In (08:42–10:21)

• Honesty & Trust: Callers chime in with strong opinions:

  "How do you honestly think that you can start a relationship with such dishonesty? Forget the religious piece of it… you have to be able to trust your all the time." (08:46, Caller Heather)

• Roots of the Lie: The show offers empathy, recalling times when a small fib snowballs within new, exciting relationships:

  “…before you know it, the relationship starts snowballing and it’s bigger than you initially thought and you’re caught up in the lie.” (09:22, Birch)

8. Can She Still Get Out? Possible “Outs” for Val (10:21–11:19)

• Creative Alibis: Callers suggest convoluted ways for Val to backtrack (e.g., claiming she thought she was Jewish due to family stories, but later realized she wasn’t), but the hosts largely dismiss layering new lies on top of the old:

  "The lie on top of the lie thing, I think you just gotta. You gotta rip this bandaid." (11:19, Birch)

9. Conversion as a Solution? (11:53–12:18)

• Conversion Possibility: The show jokingly debates if Val could convert, and how fast:

  "How long does it take to convert?" (11:53, Caller Eli)
  "I became a minister in 15 minutes." (12:11, Caller Eli)

• Val’s Response: Admits she likes her boyfriend enough that she would consider converting if it came to that.

10. The Real Solution: Tell the Truth (12:26–13:42)

• Final Advice: Most agree honesty is the only way forward:

  “You need to stop lying about this, and you need to do it eventually someday, so why not now?” (12:41, Birch)

• Val’s Upbringing: When asked about her religious background, Val admits to a minimal, holiday-only Christian upbringing:

  "We kind of dabbled in Christianity, I guess. Like, it was more like Christmas and Easter crowd to make my grandma happy, pretty much." (12:57, Val)

11. The Pressure to Maintain Appearances (13:42–14:13)

• Host Summations: Suggestions to “come clean, honestly”—admit that the initial fib stemmed from attraction, then missed chances to clarify, and now the truth must come out, no matter the risk.
• Religious Irony: The group jokes about whether lying of this magnitude has religious consequences, ultimately playing it for laughs about various concepts of heaven and hell.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "I guess the good news is I got away with it, but the bad news is I got away with it."
  – Val on the paradoxical relief and guilt of her situation (06:56)

• “You need to stop lying about this, and you need to do it eventually someday, so why not now?”
  – Birch, advice segment (12:41)

• “How do you honestly think that you can start a relationship with such dishonesty?”
  – Caller Heather, addressing the core issue (08:46)

• "A Christian would go to hell for telling a lie of this magnitude. Yet Jews don't believe in hell."
  – Caller Eli, adding levity to the ethical debate (14:13)

• "It was more like Christmas and Easter crowd to make my grandma happy, pretty much."
  – Val, on her nominally Christian upbringing (12:57)

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Key Timestamps

• 01:32 — Introduction of Val’s dilemma
• 03:22–03:53 — Describing the family gathering
• 04:38 — Val confides in cousin’s girlfriend
• 05:16–06:10 — Discussing risk of secret spreading
• 06:44–07:12 — First meeting with the boyfriend’s mother
• 08:42–10:21 — Callers discuss the morality and future of the relationship
• 10:21–11:19 — Alternative “outs” debated
• 11:53–12:18 — Conversion jokes and solutions
• 12:41–13:42 — Consensus for truth-telling

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Summary Reflection

The episode provides a lively, empathetic, and sometimes irreverently funny look at a tangled romantic lie gone too far. It invites listeners to consider where honesty, identity, and love collide—with plenty of real-world advice, humor, and candid caller participation. Val’s story is a springboard for bigger discussions about trust, cultural expectations, and how to repair a relationship built on a shaky foundation. Both the hosts and callers largely agree: it’s time for Val to stop digging and finally tell the truth.

Transcript

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[Radio Announcer]

You're on the Birch Show.

[Show Host (Birch)]

Here is Val. She is back. Okay. Val was. She was in the hot seat going into the weekend because she had two lies that she had to deal with. She's been lying to her boyfriend now because she initially met this guy, he's really hot. And she met him at some like a Jewish gathering. And she's like, yeah, I'm Jewish. Yeah, you're hot. I'm Jewish. And the relationship ends up developing and she never comes clean with him. So. So he gets on the phone with his mom and he's like, mom, you're gonna be so happy. I'm dating a nice Jewish girl and I'm bringing her home for Thanksgiving. And Val here she didn't know anything about Judaism at all.

[Caller Eli]

Zero.

[Caller Frank]

You have to do your mother's Jewish voice.

[Show Host (Birch)]

Myra. Shalom, Val, you're on the air.

[Val (Guest)]

Hi, how are you doing?

[Show Host (Birch)]

Good, how are you?

[Val (Guest)]

I'm hanging in there.

[Caller Heather]

Oh, no.

[Show Host (Birch)]

All right. Please, please, please. You only had one way out of this whole thing, I think, and that was to say that, look, I am Jewish, but I'm just not practicing. So I really don't know much about the religion.

[Val (Guest)]

Yeah, I didn't come clean, but there was no chance for me to do it. It was just one of those things. It was so crazy. It was so chaotic there. Wow.

[Show Host (Birch)]

I thought you were gonna come clean to your boyfriend first.

[Val (Guest)]

Well, I was. And then we had to go out of town to go to his parents house and there was just so much going on with that.

[Show Host (Birch)]

Sure. No time in the car to talk or on the plane or anything like that.

[Caller Heather]

I know.

[Val (Guest)]

I just feel so guilty because I haven't come clean to him especially.

[Show Host (Birch)]

This goes along with being Jewish. You got that Jewish guilt thing happening.

[Caller Ian]

It's the first step.

[Show Host (Birch)]

You are Jewish.

[Caller Frank]

It's her Catholic guilt about not being Jew.

[Val (Guest)]

So what happens when you get up there? Well, it was really amazing because it's. I mean, my family. My family never has been this close. And there was like, I mean, I'm telling you, between 40 to 50 people there at the huge. And they even had like tables set up in the garage with like heaters to keep everybody warm. You know, it's like included everybody, you know, you know, which was really cool.

[Caller Ian]

And his entire Jewish family.

[Val (Guest)]

It was just a great family, you know, I mean, just the fact that everybody from temple. Well, like 15 people, 15 family members, aside from like, you know, the immediate family, like stayed at the house the whole time. It was really cool.

[Podcast Host]

So how.

[Show Host (Birch)]

I mean, inevitably, religion must have come up.

[Val (Guest)]

You know, the only. I mean, it definitely did at certain times, but it was so busy. And I just kept myself, you know, busy doing things to help out, which was great because then I could just kind of hide. But I really hit it off with one of my boyfriend's cousin's girlfriends, if

[Caller Heather]

that makes any sense.

[Val (Guest)]

She's really cool. And

[Caller Heather]

I did.

[Val (Guest)]

I told her that I admitted to her because I just. I couldn't stand it anymore. And. And she just made me feel like, you know, she made me feel so much better about it because what she said was, everybody in the family pretty much isn't really. It's more, you know, cultural versus, you know, they're really Active in their faith. And it's more so just my boyfriend's mother. That's like everybody kind of puts a good face on for if that makes any sense.

[Show Host (Birch)]

Okay, okay.

[Caller Ian]

But it's still your boyfriend's mom.

[Caller Heather]

That's the hardcore Jew, which doesn't help me out much.

[Caller Ian]

Right, that'll be a problem in the future.

[Show Host (Birch)]

But how close is the cousin to your boyfriend? Because my fear here is that the girlfriend says something to the cousin and the cousin calls your brother and then it's a mess.

[Caller Ian]

Close Jewish family doesn't spread gossip or anything, right?

[Val (Guest)]

I mean, I know that's exactly. I thought that like late last night it was like one of those things you like wake up in the middle of the night. Oh my gosh. Because she totally could, you know, I don't. I mean, I don't know. I mean, that's like. That's one of the things, I guess.

[Caller Frank]

Any point out there, Is there any way you guys think he would see it as charming? Like if the cousin. If the cousin does tell him and

[Caller Eli]

says, oh, she's so sweet to do

[Caller Frank]

through that for me. She's so sweet or whatever. Like this girl loves you so much that she's just been kind of going along with the Jewish thing because she wanted to impress you and now she doesn't know how to get out of here.

[Caller Eli]

If he still likes her, then yes. If he's over her, that's his get out.

[Caller Frank]

That's his get out?

[Caller Eli]

Yeah, that's his escape hatch.

[Caller Frank]

But if he's in love with her, he'll be like, uh huh.

[Caller Ian]

And it also depends how much of a mama's boy he is and how influential she is to him.

[Show Host (Birch)]

Is he a mama's boy?

[Val (Guest)]

Not really. Only. Only when he's around her. It's like if he's talking to her. I don't know if that makes any sense. It's not like he is unable to do things for himself. And he needs his mom for like, you know, laundry and food and stuff, you know, it's. It's more I guess when they're talking on the phone. I don't know if that makes sense at all.

[Show Host (Birch)]

So when she, when she meets you for the very first time or she met you for the first time, she never brought it up? She didn't hug you and go, oh, nice Jewish girl or anything like that? It was just a normal.

[Val (Guest)]

Oh no, she totally did. She was, you know, just saying like, welcome to the family. You know, all these. She's so sweet and so nice. And see, that's the worst part about it. I guess the good news is I got away with it, but the bad news is I got away with it.

[Show Host (Birch)]

Well, here's the offense, though. She brings up the Jewish thing, and you lied right to her, and you didn't use any of your outs then. Then it could be a big problem.

[Val (Guest)]

Yeah, well, I didn't say anything, but I didn't not say I didn't tell the truth. You know what I mean? Like,

[Caller Ian]

was there a situation going on? What Bert said? Like, was there a situation which she may like a specific something she said that you just let slide, not to

[Val (Guest)]

me directly, but to other people while I was there. And I just kind of, like, you know, nodded my head, like, okay, you know, and didn't really say anything either way.

[Caller Ian]

Like, what was it? What'd she say?

[Val (Guest)]

You know, she was just, like, asking me questions about, like. Well, they were saying stuff about, like, Bat Mitzvah. And like, I. Apparently it wasn't normal to have a Bat Mitzvah when she was younger. Apparently, other women had, like, since, like, older women had later on in their lives, if that makes any sense. And they were talking about their Bat Mitzvah and the.

[Caller Eli]

Compared to girls, did you have a nice Bat Mitzvah?

[Val (Guest)]

I just nodded like I did.

[Show Host (Birch)]

You must have been just like. You know how you. Like when you're in a line, you just start getting hot in the chair?

[Radio Announcer]

Please don't ask me.

[Show Host (Birch)]

I gotta get out of here.

[Caller Ian]

My butt goes num.

[Caller Frank]

I gotta use the ladies room. Excuse me.

[Show Host (Birch)]

She's in that bathroom a lot. Every time I bring up Judaism. Good morning, Barry. You're on Q100.

[Caller Heather]

Good morning. I have a question. Val, how old are you?

[Val (Guest)]

I'm 27.

[Caller Heather]

Okay. I have so many things to say, but just to sum it up. No, I'll just. How do you honestly think that you can start a relationship with such dishonesty? Forget the religious piece of it, no matter what the dishonesty is. I mean, I'm sitting here as a mother of two, married for 12 years, and you have to be able to trust your all the time.

[Show Host (Birch)]

Well, here's how it. Barry, let's give her a little bit of a break, because this has happened before where you're so. You're so enamored with the other person.

[Caller Eli]

She'd be exhausted at the thought of giving her a break. You said, perry, let's give her a break. And she goes, oh, God, this is no break.

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[Show Host (Birch)]

you're saying anything you can just to get in. Good. And then before you know it, the relationship starts snowballing and it's bigger than you initially thought and you're caught up in the lie.

[Caller Heather]

Right. But how does this girl not have, like, the biggest stomach ache every time she's. I mean, honestly, thinking about this is a huge lie. This is not just, yeah, I like to play tennis, but I really can't. You know, this is a. This is cultural. This is a huge component of a person.

[Caller Eli]

Well, if you have a stomach ache, my parents used to give me just matzah crackers, plain nothing on them, and it makes you feel better. True story.

[Show Host (Birch)]

Hey, Karen. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller Heather]

Hey. So I was just listening in and in no way can this be considered charming. She lied to her now boyfriend, who then in turn lied to his mother. And now, you know, and then, of course, because she didn't face it, now

[Val (Guest)]

her whole relationship with the mother is

[Caller Heather]

based upon a lie.

[Show Host (Birch)]

Yeah, this is going to be a tough one to get out of. No doubt, no doubt. Now, Judy here has a way maybe that you could pull this off. Hey, Judy.

[Caller Heather]

Hey, Bert. I love you guys. Number one, let me tell you.

[Show Host (Birch)]

Thank you.

[Caller Heather]

Thank you, Valerie. I have an easy out. You could probably lie, starting by saying, you know what? I thought I was Jewish. You know, looking down your, you know, past family tree, I thought I had about Mitchell.

[Show Host (Birch)]

Let her finish. Let her finish. Go ahead.

[Caller Heather]

Like, say, you know, how people look on their background. Like, you know, my family tree, I had Indian, I had whatever so and so in me. And then now she could go look and see if she does, and then say, you know what? You know, they used to tell me I did have, you know, Jewish family in my family, my family history, and, you know, found out that I didn't.

[Caller Eli]

So she said she had a bat mitzvah. What does that all of a sudden become a 13th birthday party?

[Caller Heather]

No, but she can at least, you know, say, you know, they brought me up knowing that I was Jewish and then, you know, found out later, researching that she wasn't or somebody married in her family, down the line, you'd still have that belief.

[Caller Eli]

I thought I had a bat Mitzvah, but it turned out it was just an Easter party.

[Show Host (Birch)]

Yeah, the lie on top of the lie thing, I think you just gotta. You gotta rip this bandaid.

[Caller Ian]

Yeah.

[Show Host (Birch)]

Thanks, Judy.

[Caller Heather]

Okay, thanks, Eli.

[Caller Frank]

Maybe my cousin, by the way, for you.

[Show Host (Birch)]

By the way, Puerto Rico. Judy was Puerto Rico.

[Caller Frank]

Right, right.

[Caller Ian]

It's easy to do that when you hang up on him.

[Show Host (Birch)]

Well, that Was so clear.

[Caller Ian]

Okay, go ahead.

[Caller Frank]

I was saying, you know, maybe you won't have to do the confession. Maybe the cousin will do it for you.

[Caller Ian]

But that's worse, isn't it?

[Show Host (Birch)]

Yeah. Find out through the cousin.

[Caller Eli]

The cousins in on it. Like the cousins in the same similar situation.

[Show Host (Birch)]

Now, at some point, you're gonna have to bring this up. If you guys get. I mean, this is. You're in a relationship now for over six months.

[Caller Eli]

How long does it take to convert?

[Caller Heather]

It's the wedding.

[Caller Eli]

Like, seriously, can you convert quickly? Fast tracking.

[Caller Ian]

What do you want to do?

[Caller Frank]

Yeah. Would you convert?

[Caller Eli]

How much you like this guy?

[Val (Guest)]

I like him. I would convert. I would. I don't know how long? That I have no idea.

[Caller Eli]

I think we can do an online course and have it done in, like, two weeks. Yeah, I became a minister in 15 minutes.

[Show Host (Birch)]

Rosetta Stone, dude. Mm. Good morning, Alex. You're on Q100.

[Caller Heather]

Yeah, I was gonna say, like, honestly, if I was her, I just.

[Val (Guest)]

I wouldn't say anything.

[Show Host (Birch)]

I would, like, go on Wikipedia and

[Caller Heather]

read up on it and just not say anything about me not being juice.

[Val (Guest)]

Not, like, bring it up.

[Caller Frank]

Wikipedia has everything, right?

[Show Host (Birch)]

Wikipedia, Judaism, everything you need.

[Caller Eli]

Founded by Lady Gaga.

[Show Host (Birch)]

Yeah, there's got to be some kind of website where you can look. But the truth is, you need to stop lying about this, and you need to do it eventually someday, so why not now?

[Caller Frank]

Were you raised in any religion, any

[Caller Eli]

denomination, or with any morals?

[Val (Guest)]

Oh, yeah, I was. Racist morals. I was. We kind of dabbled in Christianity, I guess. Like, it was more like Christmas and Easter crowd to make my grandma happy, pretty much.

[Caller Ian]

Well, here's further to that question. If you decided that you were gonna fake it and fake the Jew thing, and you went to your parents and said the Jew thing, can you help me with this? And they. If. Would they be offended or not offended?

[Val (Guest)]

I don't know.

[Caller Frank]

I mean, I think that you could just, you know, talk about that you didn't come from any sort of strong religious background, but that you've always been interested in Judaism and that's why you said yes at the beginning, but that you'd like to learn more with him and communicate with him.

[Val (Guest)]

You know what?

[Caller Ian]

You were hot. And I. Yeah. I think that if you're going to. If you're going to come clean, come clean. Honestly. Look, you were. I was so attracted to you that I wanted to be with you. And this is what. You know, that's why I said it. But I. The reason I asked earlier about his relationship with his mom is because if he is under so much pressure to marry a Jewish girl, it could be a deal breaker.

[Show Host (Birch)]

Well, she didn't say that he was under pressure. She was just relieved that he was finally dating a Jew.

[Caller Ian]

But I. Yeah, a technical question. I. Yeah, I think that mama and baby boy are closer than she thinks.

[Caller Eli]

Bert, a Christian would go to hell for telling a lie of this magnitude. Yet Jews don't believe in hell.

[Show Host (Birch)]

Ain't that nice?

[Caller Eli]

So where do you think she will go for portraying this mistruth about.

[Show Host (Birch)]

There's just different levels of heaven in Judaism. So it's all good, man.

[Caller Eli]

So she's going to come.

[Show Host (Birch)]

She's going to a place. You're going to go to a place called All Good.

[Caller Frank]

Does she confess her sins? Do you confess your sins in Judaism?

[Show Host (Birch)]

You're asking the wrong person, man.

[Caller Frank]

Oh yeah, I shouldn't ask you at all.

[Caller Ian]

We can ask her on the phone. She'd know more than you.

[Show Host (Birch)]

She's the one that got lots of misfit.

[Radio Announcer]

Yeah, listen, it's the vert show.

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