Vault: Does Cosmo Give Accurate Advice About What Men Want?

Summary

The Bert Show – Episode Summary

Episode Title: Vault: Does Cosmo Give Accurate Advice About What Men Want?
Air Date: February 16, 2026
Main Theme:
The hosts dive into the age-old question: Does Cosmopolitan magazine give real, accurate advice about what men actually think, particularly when it comes to relationships and dating? With a mix of playful skepticism and open discussion, the Bert Show team—along with male callers—debate whether Cosmo’s "love questions every guy asks himself" hold true.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Are Cosmo Articles About ‘What Guys Think’ Written By Women?

• Jen opens the discussion by voicing her suspicion about the authenticity of Cosmo's male-oriented advice columns.
  • Jen (01:36): "Sometimes I think these are actually written by women. So I'm wondering if there's any truth to these articles."

2. First-Date Questions from Cosmo: Real or Not?

Each Cosmo "first-date question" is posed to a group of male hosts and callers to confirm or debunk.

a. "What's she like in bed?" & "If I don’t get laid tonight, will this end early enough for me to meet up with friends?"

• Host (03:16): “Yes, that is true.”
• Matt (03:43): “Maybe not the friend part, but yeah. Would she like in bed? Absolutely.”

b. "Will I get laid tonight?"

• Matt (03:55): “No, that's not the first name [priority?].”
• Host (04:00): “For me, it's always sort of back there.”

c. "Is that a super ultra Wonderbra, or are her breasts that incredible?"

• John (04:14): “Wouldn't I like to know?”
• Collective agreement this question does cross their minds.

d. "Does she think I’m funny?"

• John (04:22): “Yeah, I'd ask myself that.”
• Host (04:24): “Yeah, I think so. Probably.”

e. "Does she always wear this much makeup?"

• John (04:59): “Absolutely... We want to see what she really looks like.”
• Matt (05:05): “I don't usually like women to wear too much makeup because then it can hide the flaws, and you kind of want to see the flaws.”
• Host (05:18): “If you can see that foundation line right there, to me, that's like instant turn off right there.”

f. "Are lulls in conversation first date awkwardness, or a sign she has nothing to say?"

• John (05:41): “Yeah. Nothing to say.”
• Matt (05:43): “Yeah, I got nothing to say.”
• Host (05:52): “If there are lulls, you're probably talking too much because she's not saying anything.”

3. Before Getting Serious – The ‘Serious’ Relationship Questions

Transitioning to the next stage in the Cosmo list, Jen asks whether men consider deeper questions before exclusivity.

a. "Am I really willing to give up on other potentials for her?"

• John (06:32): “Oh, yeah... Once you're taking yourself off the market, that's it.”
• Matt (06:50): “Depends on where you are in your dating life... If you're out dating, you just want to date. Not really looking for a serious person.”

b. "Would I be proud to introduce her to my folks?"

• John (07:18): “Absolutely. I brought a woman home one day with tattoos all up and down her arms, and not a good sign for mama.”
• Matt (07:29): “I can bring anybody home to my parents, and they really don't care.”
• Host (07:39): “I wasn’t thinking that on the first date... To me, it was all about sexual.”

c. "Would I have fun if I took a long vacation with her?"

• John (08:33): “Yeah, yeah, definitely. You don't want to go ... with somebody who's just going to bum you out and just whine all the time.”
• Matt (08:48): “After 10 dates, you would know whether you want to spend another day with that person... you don't want to ruin your vacation.”

d. "Will I find her quirks annoying after six months?"

• John (09:15): “If you're asking yourself that, you already answered the question.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On how men think during first dates:

  • Host (03:16): “Yes, that is true.” — Confirming that men wonder about sex on a first date.

• On make-up and authenticity:

  • Host (05:18): “If you can see that foundation line right there, to me, that's like instant turn off right there.”

• On exclusivity and seriousness:

  • John (06:32): “Once you're taking yourself off the market, that's it. I mean, this is the one you got to stick with.”

• On chemistry and lulls in conversation:

  • Host (05:52): “If there are lulls, you're probably talking too much because she's not saying anything.”

• On evaluating quirks:

  • John (09:15): “If you're asking yourself that, you already answered the question.”

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:36 — Jen introduces the Cosmo article and doubts its authenticity
• 03:01 – 06:19 — First date questions dissected by male hosts and callers
• 06:19 – 09:20 — Questions men reportedly ask before getting serious/exclusive
• Throughout — Running commentary exposing where Cosmo’s advice is “right on” or exaggerated

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Tone and Takeaways

The episode is lighthearted, candid, and a touch irreverent—true to the Bert Show’s playful, authentic style. There’s genuine engagement from both male and female perspectives, and some gentle ribbing about stereotypes from dating magazines. Overall, the consensus is that while Cosmo gets some questions right (especially in the first-date category), its depiction of male introspection around exclusivity can be a little overthought and occasionally unrealistic.

Bottom Line:
Cosmo’s advice, at least in this highlighted article, is surprisingly accurate about what runs through men’s minds on first dates. However, when it comes to deeper relationship questions, the guys suggest that not every man is as analytical—or sentimental—as Cosmo sometimes makes them out to be.

Transcript

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[Host]

The Bird show we need specifically guys.

[Jen]

Cause I read Cosmo magazine and a lot of the different articles in there are apparently supposedly written by guys to give us girls advice or to give us insight into the guy's mind or figure out how you guys think or what you're thinking or what's going on behind the scenes. So. So I'm just posing this because sometimes I think these are actually written by women. So I'm wondering if there's any truth to these articles. And this one is love questions that every guy asks himself.

[Host]

Was there something in there that tipped you off? Like, there's just no way that this can be right?

[Jen]

Yeah, I mean there's a couple of different conversations in here. Like basically they separate it between On a first date, guys ask himself these following questions and then they say before he decides to get serious with a girl, he asks himself these questions. And then before getting married, he asks himself these questions. But sometimes I think that they're written by women.

[Host]

All right, so you're asking guys if it's true what you read in this article is true or not?

[Jen]

Exactly. Okay, so you want me to go through the first date ones, or do we need some guys on the phone first?

[Host]

Sean's lining them up right now because we're on the delay.

[Voice Disguise Commentator]

Bert and I can handle a couple.

[Jen]

I was gonna say you guys are guys, right?

[Host]

He would be one.

[Jen]

I would have thought so. Carl's in here. Carl can help us answer him.

[Host]

Before I started eating at Activa, every day, I was a guy. Before I started shaving my arms, every day, I was a guy.

[Jen]

Do you see Stacy's smell of good soap?

[Host]

Before I was loofah ing exfoliating in the shower?

[Voice Disguise Commentator]

Before he ran the Weiss Kitten rescue in his basement.

[Jen]

All right, apparently you guys run these questions through your head when you're on a first date. First one says, what's she like in bed? And if I don't get laid tonight, will this end early enough for me to meet up with my friends? Yes.

[Host]

Yes, that is true. I don't know why somebody would want to be on the voice disguiser for this.

[Jen]

Huh?

[Host]

Hey, John, why do you want to be on the voice disguiser for this work phone? Oh, okay.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Host]

All right. So the first question Jen asked, and she's trying to get guys to either confirm or deny if these are true out of Cosmo.

[Jen]

Mm. What is she like in bed? If I don't get laid tonight, will this end early enough for me to meet up with my friends? Sure.

[Matt]

Not true. Maybe not the friend part, but yeah. Would she like in bed? Absolutely.

[Jen]

Second question on the list. Will I get laid tonight?

[Matt]

No, that's not the first name. Positaria.

[Jen]

That's not the first. I don't know.

[Host]

For me, it's always sort of back there.

[Voice Disguise Commentator]

Okay, hold on. Let me address your voice discussion more appropriately. Okay, go ahead.

[Jen]

Is that a super ultra Wonderbra, or are her breasts that incredible? Is that going through your mind?

[John]

Wouldn't I like to know? Are they that incredible?

[Jen]

So that is a good question. That's one that you ask yourself. Okay. Does she think I'm funny?

[John]

Yeah, I'd ask myself that.

[Host]

Yeah, I think so. Probably. Hold on. Let me get Matt in on this too. Hey, Matt.

[Matt]

Hey.

[Host]

How are you guys? Good. One of Jen's questions was, if a woman's breasts look that good, this is the question that we're asking in our minds.

[Jen]

Or is it a wonder bra?

[Host]

Or is it a wonder bra?

[Matt]

Are you first? Is the woman's breast look that good, and I want to get into it.

[Host]

So, yeah, you're sort of asking yourself the question.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Matt]

Right.

[Jen]

Are you guys asking yourself, does she always wear this much makeup if she wears too much?

[John]

Absolutely. I mean, some women don't take it on. We want to see what she really looks like.

[Host]

How about you, Matt?

[Matt]

Well, I don't usually like women to wear too much makeup because then it can hide the flaws, and you kind of want to see the flaws.

[Host]

If they have that line, I don't even know what that stuff is that you guys wear around your jawline right there.

[Jen]

Foundation line.

[Voice Disguise Commentator]

Too much makeup.

[Host]

If you can see that foundation line right there, to me, that's like instant turn off right there.

[Jen]

That's good. Blend, ladies. Blend.

[Voice Disguise Commentator]

Yeah, if you got to go down that far just to take that all the way down below your waist, right down your neck.

[Host]

Right.

[Jen]

So another question you guys ask yourselves on a first date. Are lulz in the conversation, first date awkwardness, or. Or are they a sign she has nothing to say? Are you debating that in your mind?

[John]

Yeah. Nothing to say.

[Matt]

Yeah, I got nothing to say.

[John]

You'll know if you have instant chemistry, if it's gonna work out or not. If there's lulls in there and you're looking for stuff to say, not a good sign.

[Host]

Yeah, I wouldn't agree with that. I'd say if there's lulls in the conversation, it's at least for me, it was a sure sign. Couldn't have been me that it had to be like she just didn't have anything to say.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Host]

There was no inner debate there.

[Jen]

Okay, then.

[Host]

Because either, like, the guy is a good conversationalist or not.

[Jen]

Right.

[Host]

And there have been dates probably, that we've all been on, where you are just trying and trying and trying. And if there are lulls, you're probably talking too much because she's not saying anything.

[Jen]

Gotcha. Okay, so so far, Cosmo's right on about these questions that are running through your head now. This is the section of. Before getting serious with a girl, do you ask yourself these questions? Am I really willing to give up on other potentials for her?

[John]

Oh, yeah.

[Host]

Yeah.

[John]

Because once you're taking yourself off the market, that's it. I mean, this is the one you got to stick with. And there's. There's nothing else you can do about it until it's over.

[Host]

You ask yourself that question, Matt, when you're out, do you say, okay, she. Is she so good that I'm not going out with anybody else?

[Matt]

Well, I mean, it depends on where you are in your dating life. I mean, if you just out there trying to play the bill, you know, you just dating. I mean, I don't know if you're out there trying to find a potential partner for me, it's just if I'm out dating, dating, I just want to, you know, date. I'm not really looking for a serious, you know, person.

[Jen]

Okay. Do you ask yourself, would I be proud to introduce her to my folks? This is before getting serious with somebody. So say you're about to get exclusive with them.

[John]

Absolutely. I brought a woman home one day with tattoos all up and down her arms, and not a good sign for mama.

[Matt]

Well, I mean, I can bring anybody home to my parents, and they really don't care, you know, as long as we're happy, we're having fun, whatever.

[Host]

You know, I wasn't thinking that on the first date, like my first date or the first dates, if I had to be totally honest with you, I wasn't already ahead of the game thinking, is this somebody I want to hang out with for a long period of time or introduce my parents to. To me, it was all about sexual.

[Matt]

Exactly, Exactly. That's what I'm saying. It's just, you know, just out having fun, you know, if you get lucky, you get lucky. If not, well, then you move on to the next one.

[Voice Disguise Commentator]

See this?

[Host]

This is the part you're in your life.

[Voice Disguise Commentator]

If this list is written by a girl, this is the part where they start to overthink it. Like in the beginning, the first couple questions, Am I gonna see the boobs?

[Jen]

Right?

[Voice Disguise Commentator]

Like, that's pretty.

[Jen]

But this is the stage of the relationship. After you've been on, say, 10 dates and you're talking about becoming like, you know, exclusive status, you're not going to date anybody else anymore, then, yes, I.

[Host]

Would agree to that.

[Jen]

Okay, so another one that you would ask yourself, would I have fun if I took a long vacation with her at that stage in the game? Are you asking yourself that question, John?

[John]

Yeah, yeah, definitely. Because you don't want to go, like, on a snow ski trip or out to the beach or something like that with somebody who's just going to bum you out and just whine all the time. I want to go out, get my drink on, have a good time, and not have any worries.

[Host]

How about you, Matt?

[Matt]

Well, I think after 10 dates, you would know whether or not you want to spend another day with that person with that, you know, I mean, you don't want to take on a vacation and ruin your vacation.

[Jen]

So you think you already asked that question to yourself.

[Voice Disguise Commentator]

You wouldn't be on 10 dates unless you were.

[Matt]

Unless you were into either, right?

[Jen]

Gotcha. And then this is another thing you'd ask yourself. Well, I think her charming quirks are actually annoying. Pathology in six months.

[John]

If you're asking yourself that, you already answered the question.

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