Vault: Does Melissa need surgery?

Summary

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The Bert Show Podcast Summary

Episode: Vault: Does Melissa need surgery?
Date: June 19, 2026

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Overview

This episode dives into Melissa Carter's ongoing health saga as she battles persistent double ear infections amid her condition as a kidney transplant recipient with a suppressed immune system. The Bert Show team and listeners discuss the potential need for serious ear procedures, weigh in on travel options, and provide both support and comedic relief. The conversation touches on the realities of managing chronic illness while injecting plenty of the show's trademark banter and authentic vulnerability.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Melissa's Health Challenge

• Melissa updates the team about her prolonged illness, clarifying it began as laryngitis and escalated into infections in both ears.

  • [01:06] "I have been battling an ear infection in both ears since around New Year… this started out as laryngitis and turned into… where my ears were completely blocked…I couldn't hear at all." – Melissa Carter

• Her chronic kidney issues require immunosuppression, making infections especially risky and the management of seemingly common ailments more complex.

  • [01:25] “When you have a chronic illness, you have a team of doctors… my kidney doctor, you know, is always there…”

Doctor Banter & The Dream Team

• Lighthearted exchange about the attractiveness of Melissa’s doctor, with the cast joking about needing a “McDreamy” nickname.
  • [02:28] Burt: “Is this the good looking one that Jen is always drooling on?”
  • Melissa: “He is smoking. We need to give him like a McDreamy name or McSteamy or McSomething.”

Threat of Surgery & Upcoming Travel

• The real challenge: Melissa is meant to fly soon (for Burt’s Big Adventure), but her doctor is hesitant, given her unresolved ear infection and suppressed immunity. Surgery—an incision in both eardrums—may be required if things don’t improve.

  • [04:08] “I have to go back on the 15th… and if things aren’t going well then I have to do an incision in both eardrums.” – Melissa Carter
  • The team grimaces at the thought, urging her to consider driving, not flying.

• Risks of flying with her condition are discussed in-depth, with friends and listeners expressing alarm and offering humorous alternatives.

  • [04:36] “He said, I just don’t want your ears to explode in the air on the way to Florida.” – Melissa Carter
  • [05:34] Burt: “You’re playing eardrum roulette if you go up on that thing.”

Listener Involvement & Home Remedies

• Several callers phone in to share stories and home remedies, ranging from natural oils to garlic-in-the-ear (with references to advice from Dr. Oz)—the cast responds with a mix of skepticism and amusement.

  • [06:34] Caller: “Put a clove of garlic in your ear and cover it with a band aid and by the next morning, your ear is better."
  • [07:54] Melissa: “For the healthy person, I’m sure maybe that would work…”

• A listener warns Melissa against flying:

  • [08:00] "Don’t go on the airplane. My eardrums have busted.”

• Another listener shares firsthand experience with having eardrums cut:

  • [08:32] "I have had both of my eardrums cut before and it is painful… But you will not believe the relief you get after you have it done."

Show Crew’s Support & Comic Relief

• The team rallies around Melissa, offering practical (and impractical) solutions—with some promising to drive her to Florida rather than risk surgery or ear damage.

  • [09:07] Friend: “If you promise never to talk about that around me again, not only will I drive you down there, I will pay for the gas, both ways.”

• Jokes abound about what could happen on air, and the cast dwells on bodily mishaps with equal parts horror and humor.

  • [06:21] Melissa: “If I was a good stunt woman, I would have the procedure done here in studio.”
  • [06:26] Burt: “Katie Couric had a colonoscopy on the air a couple of years ago.”

Memorable Quotes

• “I’m happy to make the road trip in order to…You’re not getting your eardrum sliced.” – Melissa Carter & Friend 2 [05:59–06:04]
• “I would never, ever, ever be able to look at you.” – Friend 2 [06:04]
• “We’ll all pitch in…Enterprise, we’ll pick you up.” – Burt & Friend 1 [04:43–04:44]
• “Anything except being on that plane and having both your eardrums explode on the Burt’s Big Adventure plane. We’ll figure something out.” – Burt [08:55]

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Important Timestamps

• 01:06: Melissa describes the progression of her illness
• 02:28–02:46: Humorous exchange about her “dream team” of doctors
• 04:08: The looming decision: surgery vs. flying
• 04:36: Why flying is dangerous with her ear pressure
• 06:34–07:00: Listener recommendations for home remedies
• 08:00: Listener’s warning about flying with ear infections
• 08:32: Firsthand account of eardrum incision (painful but brings relief)
• 09:07: Show of support – offers to drive Melissa

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Noteworthy Moments

• Comic banter about home remedies and what could go wrong if the procedure is done in studio [06:17–06:26].
• Real-time support and collective problem solving among the show’s crew and audience.
• Intimate, educational insight into living with chronic illness and the web of decisions it forces.

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Conclusion

The episode offers an intimate, funny, and sometimes cringe-worthy glimpse into Melissa Carter's medical dilemma and the realities of managing health as a transplant recipient. Through camaraderie and candid chat, The Bert Show crew turns a deeply personal struggle into a relatable, informative, and entertaining segment—reminding listeners of the importance of community, compassion, and sometimes, just a good road trip over risky surgery.

Transcript

[Burt]

What's up everybody?

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[Burt]

The Burt show so Melissa Carter has been sick the last couple of weeks, although the last couple of days she seems okay.

[Melissa Carter]

Well, yeah, I'm trying, I'm trying to feel better. I'm not 100% and it's frustrating because I have been battling an ear infection in both ears since around New Year. So, you know, I've told before about how I'm a kidney transplant recipient. One of the things about that is I have a low immune system. And so a lot of times, you know, when I get a cold, it's just a cold and it's fine and no problem. And then sometimes if it's a cold, depending on what's going on, then something piggyback on top of it and becomes worse. So this started out as laryngitis and turned into, I mean, where my, my ears were completely blocked in ear infection, not an outer ear infection. And I couldn't hear at all. And I'm at the point now where I hear better. But like if you had a visual in the studio, most DJs you see have like had big thick headphones on their ears. You've seen them, you know, on TV or something. And I have these little earbuds in my ears because I still can't wear the big ear earphones because it puts pressure around my ear and it just, and it just doesn't help because, you know, if you have an ear infection, it's not just your ear, but it's the tubes that run from your ears. Anyway, blah. So I've been. And one of the things when you have a chronic illness is you. Anytime something. You know, the nice thing about having a chronic illness is you have a team of doctors, as one person called it, a dream team of doctors that are on you all the time. So my kidney doctor, you know, is, you know, always there. And, you know, I see him often.

[Burt]

Is this the good looking one that Jen is always drooling on?

[Melissa Carter]

Wendy and Jen have a crush on. He is smoking. We need to give him like a McDreamy name or McSteamy or McSomething. And so anyway, so yeah, he's a good looking doctor, but he's a. And he's also a very smart and talented doctor. And.

[Friend 1]

And he's also very married.

[Melissa Carter]

And he's very married to a very beautiful woman. And so, so he. So he's always monitoring me. And. But if something else happens, then we bring other specialists in. And so this is ear, nose and throat doctor time coming in. And so I've been going to see him. And one of the things that was, I was so sick, I was on the couch for like two weeks in the beginning of the last month in January, still trying to feel better. But I had a checkup on Friday. And so I went to my ent and he looked in one ear and one ear seemed to be clearing up. The other one is my left ear is still not clearing up very well. And the issue is not that, you know, because they want me to naturally try to fight this off with my own body, because any procedure they do, because with anybody else in the room, if this happened, they probably already would have done the needle in the ear and drained the ears. Problem with me is any procedure you do, there's another chance for infection, you know, on top of everything else, because I have a low immune system. So they just have to be careful. So they're, you know, they're, they're treading cautiously with me. But Friday, you know, it was. He still was like, you know, one of my ears is still not doing well. And the only issue is that I have to be in a plane to go to Burt's Big adventure on the 18th. And so. And he knows that trip's coming, so that's the only.

[Friend 2]

And you don't have any plane trips between now and then just for fun?

[Melissa Carter]

No. Yeah.

[Burt]

Cause I know that's what Melissa likes to do. Fly around the country.

[Melissa Carter]

I like to get a puddle jumper just to go, you know, up to Kennesauce. Every now and again. And so I have to go back on the 15th, the Monday before Burt's big adventure. And if things aren't going well, then I have to do an incision in both eardrums.

[Burt]

Oh, no.

[Friend 2]

No, you don't. No, you don't. No, you don't. Drive, drive, drive, drive something.

[Burt]

Drive.

[Friend 2]

Take right hand.

[Melissa Carter]

Leave the driving to them, because the issue is.

[Caller 1]

Oh, my God.

[Melissa Carter]

That he said. I just don't want your ears to explode in the air on the way to Florida.

[Friend 2]

Yeah, drive. Get in a car. Rent a car. Rent a car.

[Melissa Carter]

Drive, drive.

[Burt]

We'll all pitch in.

[Friend 1]

Enterprise, we'll pick you up.

[Burt]

So your ears can literally like your ear. They can, literally.

[Melissa Carter]

Because it's so fascinating when you have anything go wrong with you. And I'm sure that anything like Bert is having knee issues, and then you learn so much about that part of your body when something goes wrong with it. So I've never focused on ears before, but, you know, when you go up in the air, your ears pop or whatever. There's different pressure. That's what's going on. And that's natural in your ear. And it's all about pressure in your ear. Well, since my pressure is not correct, then it could be damaging to my ears if I go up in the air. And then it's time to find out

[Friend 2]

how comfortable that Audi is on long car trips.

[Burt]

Seriously?

[Friend 2]

That is what you're gonna do? Yep.

[Caller 2]

That's what you do.

[Melissa Carter]

So that was. That was the update on Friday. But, I mean, you're playing eardrum roulette.

[Burt]

If you go up on that thing.

[Friend 1]

Don't.

[Burt]

You can't do that.

[Friend 2]

You can't slice your ears.

[Burt]

Scare the children.

[Melissa Carter]

Hey, kids, don't worry about me.

[Friend 2]

Hey, is she oozing from the ears?

[Friend 1]

Oh, Jeff, stop. I can't even handle it.

[Friend 2]

What is it, 10 hours to Orlando?

[Melissa Carter]

So, anyway, so. Yeah, so that's. Yeah.

[Burt]

How long does it take to drive to Orlando?

[Friend 2]

Like 10 hours, right?

[Friend 1]

No, it's not that long.

[Melissa Carter]

Six and a half.

[Friend 2]

That's what I meant.

[Melissa Carter]

Yes.

[Burt]

Maybe that's an option for you instead of doing it.

[Melissa Carter]

Seriously, I'm happy to make the road trip in order to.

[Friend 2]

You're not getting your eardrum sliced. Because I would never, ever, ever be able to look at you.

[Melissa Carter]

Because that's the only issue. Because, I mean, I'm fine. Because I can. I can hear better now than I could, and I feel better.

[Friend 2]

You bring your doctor in here with a scalpel and one of those earlook Y things. And I'll be the one to drive you.

[Melissa Carter]

If I was a good stunt woman, I would have the procedure done here in studio.

[Burt]

Katie Couric had a colonoscopy on the air a couple of years ago.

[Friend 1]

That's all right. You don't have to drain your ears in here.

[Burt]

Hey, Sarah.

[Caller 1]

Melissa. I have a three year old son, and I was going to the doctor since November, and it was been ear infection after ear infection after ear infection, and they were talking about tubes, and I posted on Facebook about how frustrated I was, and a friend of mine posted back about E3 oil. And it's a soothing oil that heals the ears, and you can get it in any nature natural store.

[Melissa Carter]

I mean, I. And I appreciate the feedback. I'm a little different than the average person. And it's an inner ear thing, so I don't know where I'm putting that and where it would actually help. And it's not that I don't appreciate the feedback, but, you know, I do feel like I'm in good hands because like I said, I got a team of doctors on top of me and, you know, they have to handle my situation different than, you know, a healthy person.

[Burt]

When I'm on the phone with Sanjay later on today, I'll see what he

[Melissa Carter]

can do for you.

[Friend 1]

Why don't you just text him right now, bro?

[Burt]

Maybe I'll do that. Hey, Nichelle. Good Morning. Your Hun Q100.

[Caller 2]

Hey, guys. How are you?

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[Burt]

How are you?

[Caller 2]

I'm fine. It's just painful listening to her funny enough. Yesterday on Dr. Asha, they said, put a clove of garlic in your ear and cover it with a band aid, and by the next morning, your ear is better.

[Burt]

Come on, Somebody's checking with you.

[Caller 2]

No, it was on Dr. Oz yesterday.

[Friend 1]

Well, I believe it. If Dr. Oz says it, I'm totally there. I love him. I love Dr. Oz.

[Melissa Carter]

For the healthy person, I'm sure maybe that would work.

[Burt]

Hey, Michelle.

[Friend 2]

Good morning.

[Caller 1]

Hey, how are you guys?

[Burt]

All right. How are you?

[Caller 1]

Good. I just wanted to say don't go on the airplane. My eardrums have busted.

[Friend 1]

Oh,

[Caller 2]

thanks.

[Burt]

Oh, my God.

[Friend 2]

Did she hang up or did my eardrums just bust? Oh, my gosh.

[Friend 1]

Thank you.

[Burt]

It sounds like that was gonna be a painful story.

[Caller 1]

I don't think I could have made it through that.

[Burt]

That was an act of God right there. That it was disconnected.

[Melissa Carter]

Yeah. I'm gonna beg Amy and Stacy. Please don't make me go on the plane.

[Burt]

Hey, Lindsay. Good morning.

[Caller 1]

Hey, good morning.

[Caller 2]

How are you guys?

[Burt]

Okay.

[Caller 2]

Okay.

[Caller 1]

Good.

[Caller 2]

Melissa, I have had both of my eardrums cut before and it is painful. It is very painful, especially if they're infected. But you will not believe the relief that you will get after you have it done.

[Friend 2]

But how does it heal? Okay.

[Caller 2]

Huh?

[Friend 2]

Oh, God. You just answered my question.

[Burt]

Yeah. Anything except being on that plane and having both your eardrums explode on the burst big adventure plane. We'll figure something out.

[Melissa Carter]

Because that's. I mean that. Yeah, that's the only issue right now amongst the doctors is. Wait a second. She has a plane ride.

[Friend 2]

If you promise never to talk about that around me again, not only will I drive you down there, I will pay for the gas, boat ways. Seriously. And whatever fast food rest stops you

[Melissa Carter]

want to make the bird show. Hey everybody.

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