Vault: Everyone's ready for the haunted house, except Melissa.

Summary

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Episode Overview

Title: Vault: Everyone's ready for the haunted house, except Melissa
Date: May 6, 2026
Podcast: The Bert Show

The Bert Show cast dives into their long-awaited plan to record a special nighttime episode from inside one of Atlanta’s most haunted locations. As the team gears up for a night of ghostly encounters, tensions rise over planned paranormal activities—especially a seance—which Melissa flatly refuses to participate in. Callers chime in with their own haunting stories and advice, fueling both the excitement and apprehension among the cast.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Haunted House Broadcast [01:00–01:45]

• The Plan: The team teases their listeners about a major upcoming event—recording a show from a secret haunted place in Atlanta. Cast and listeners are left in deliberate suspense about the location for security and surprise.
• Quote (Lead Host, 01:19):

  "We're gonna record the show from inside of one of the most haunted places in Atlanta."

2. Melissa’s Reluctance: Spirits vs. Seances [01:45–03:54]

• Melissa’s Comfort Zone: She’s not bothered by the idea of spirits’ presence but strongly opposes “calling upon them” via Ouija boards or a seance.
• Melissa’s Concern (01:58):

  "Going to the haunted house doesn't bother me... But it's the calling upon them that bothers me."

• Group Discussion: The team jokes about Melissa’s caution, wondering if a seance is indeed disrespectful or just another way of interacting with possible spirits.
• Melissa (02:32):

  "I just don't trust what comes back. So I will witness y'all doing this... I am not participating. No seance."

3. Tension, Entertainment & Fear of Aftereffects [03:54–04:40]

• Creating Drama: The hosts highlight that the show needs tension for entertainment; Melissa’s unease is a key ingredient.
• Consideration of Consequences: They debate whether spirits might follow them home, which adds playful anxiety.
• Melissa’s Direct Question (04:22):

  "Are you guys afraid of the spirits following you home at all?"

4. Listener Call-Ins: Personal Experiences & Warnings [04:39–08:49]

• Listener #1 (Kathy, ~04:39): Agrees with Melissa; her friend, a paranormal investigator, is also wary of seances due to risk of “opening a door” to an unwanted spirit.
  • Quote:

    "You could open a door to bring something with you."

• Narrative on Rituals: The team discusses rituals (walking backwards out, setting boundaries) to prevent spirits from following them home.
• Listener #2 (Elizabeth, 06:02): Shares a story about a woman haunted after a seance and forced to move.
  • Quote:

    "She did a seance once in her apartment. And after that, she left. She had to move because the ghosts would just haunt her."

• Melissa’s Metaphor (06:33):

  "There's something that crash a party and ruin a party. And that's what I'm afraid of."

• Joking About Seance Options: "Craigslist, whatever your freaky desire is..." [06:57]

5. Could You "Open a Portal to Hell"? [07:04–08:10]

• Listener #3 (Robert, ~08:06): Shares his wife’s ghost-hunter advice: ask ghosts to show their presence, don’t directly invite them.
  • Melissa underscores:

    "That's what it says." [08:24]

• Hosts Joke About Ghosts Hitching Rides: Derek humorously claims his moped has “no room for a ghost.” [08:49]
• Melissa’s Quip (08:59):

  "I've been kind of lonely. So if one comes home with me, that's cool."

6. Final Plans & Melissa’s Stand [09:04–09:26]

• Recap: The haunted house event is confirmed for that week, broadcast planned for Friday morning.
• Melissa's Firm Refusal (09:22):

  "And I am not doing no seance."

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Melissa (on seance anxiety, 01:58):

  "It's the calling upon them that bothers me."

• Derek (joking about ghost invitations, 05:54):

  "Have a safe seance situation."

• Caller (portals to hell, 07:30):

  "You could open a portal to hell."

• Lead Host (about ghostly dates, 09:04):

  "You don't have to spend the holidays alone. You can have a whole group of people with you."

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Important Segment Timestamps

• 01:00–01:45 – Announcing the haunted house event
• 01:45–03:54 – Melissa explains her reluctance around seances
• 04:39–05:54 – Listeners call in, share experiences and warnings about seances and spirits
• 06:02–06:33 – Listener shares a haunting aftermath story; Melissa’s “party crashers” metaphor
• 07:04–08:49 – Discussions about boundaries, jokes about ghostly companions
• 09:04–09:26 – Show wraps up haunted plans; Melissa stands firm

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Episode Tone

This episode balances humor, curiosity, skepticism, and genuine nervousness. Melissa’s superstitions and the team's teasing create an engaging tension that’s playful yet relatable, especially for listeners with their own ghost stories or paranormal worries.

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For listeners: If you’re intrigued by haunted happenings, group banter, and lots of laughs about things that go bump in the night—plus a little practical advice about not bringing spirits home—this episode delivers on all fronts. Expect Melissa’s steadfast skepticism to drive the conversation and keep things grounded in reality... or as grounded as a haunted house broadcast can be!

Transcript

[Host/Advertiser]

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[Lead Host]

The bird show. I want to give you guys some insight on what we're doing later on this week. We've been planning on this show for five years now, and it is finally going to happen. And at least three of us in here are very excited about it. And one is lukewarm at best.

[Melissa]

No, I'm excited about the whole idea. I'm not excited about what we plan to do while there.

[Lead Host]

Here's what we're going to do. We can't tell you where it's going to be because we're convinced if we tell you guys that you'll jack with us. But what we're doing on Thursday night is we're gonna record the show from inside of one of the most haunted places in Atlanta. We're not gonna tell you where, but we're gonna go there and we're gonna do the entire show and we'll record it at nighttime and we're gonna play it for you guys on Friday morning. So you will get the play of what was going on just a few hours earlier.

[Melissa]

Right. That's exciting. It's our own paranormal activity.

[Lead Host]

We've been excited about it for years, but we've never been able really to pull it off for whatever reason. Right. And this is the year that we're gonna do it. But Melissa's kind of freaked out about truly freaked out by some of the stuff we want to do.

[Melissa]

Well, the thing, okay, going to the haunted house doesn't bother Me, Spirits don't bother me. I totally believe in spirits. I believe they're around us all the time. But it's the calling upon them that bothers me. One of the things these guys are like, oh, it'd be so much fun. We're gonna be in the dark, and then we'll get a Ouija board, and then we'll get a seance person, and we'll do all this stuff. And I thought, I will be in another room if you're gonna do a seance. Cause it's. I mean, like. Yeah, it's one thing because you don't know what your. Because I'm skeptical about the seance thing. I'm skeptical about what you were actually bringing to you. I don't. You know, the whole thing. Oh, well, I want to talk to my great uncle who passed away and did it out. Well, it's not your great uncle, maybe that they're calling.

[Derek]

I don't know your great uncle, and

[Melissa]

I don't know your great uncle. And so I just. The whole thing is being there and there, but I don't want nobody coming. No, no, no.

[Lead Host]

So what are you afraid of? Like, the. If we have a seance, I don't

[Melissa]

want to disrespect the spirits. I don't, you know, wouldn't you be

[Lead Host]

respecting them by saying, hey, let's.

[Melissa]

What's up?

[Lead Host]

We're acknowledging you, and we just want to hang out.

[Derek]

It's no more disrespectful than, like, if you walk by the conference room and let's say everybody from Rock was in there going, melissa, come forth. You would find it a little weird, but you wouldn't be disrespected by it.

[Lead Host]

I think if I'm like a ghost, I'm like, I'm cool, man.

[Melissa]

That's just how I feel. I'm like, I'm in another room. I feel I'm gonna watch y' all do it, but I'm not participating no seance. I don't understand the fear in that part of it. Cause you don't know what you're calling

[Lead Host]

to you, but it's gonna be around you anyway.

[Melissa]

Yeah. Going to a haunted house. Yeah. There's gonna be spirits there. The spirits that are there communicating with you, but you're gonna be. You're being. Calling all kinds of stuff in. Yeah, I just. That's just how I feel. I just.

[Lead Host]

You'd rather not know they're there.

[Melissa]

No, I know. I know. I know they're there. Like, the thing is, I Think you have to be careful about what you. Cause we don't know what is out there, though. So I think by purposely saying, hey, we give you permission to come into what we're doing. I just don't. I don't trust. I just don't trust what comes back. So I will witness y' all doing this, say, I am not participating. No sounds.

[Lead Host]

See the. Yeah, a lot of, A lot of people are calling up to agree with you. For us, though, I mean, for it to be entertaining, there has to be tension there. I mean, we, we have to talk about something. We purposely picked one of the most haunted places in Atlanta because we want to be sort of scared while we're there and to be able to have a seance and have the person say, yeah, there's a dude right there. It's a hottie right there. It's a 90 year old lady over there. That's good stuff.

[Melissa]

Not so much. Are you guys afraid of the spirits following you home at all?

[Derek]

I wasn't until earlier today. He said that they could because I thought before they couldn't.

[Lead Host]

That did kind of bum me out. Good morning, Kathy, you're on Q100.

[Caller 1]

Hi.

[Caller 2]

I have to say, I agree with Melissa as far as the seances and calling people out. It just freaks me out. A friend of mine does some investigations like that and she's afraid of that too, because it's like you could open a door to bring something with you,

[Lead Host]

but isn't there something that you can do to make sure they stay out? Like somebody called us one year and

[Derek]

said, supposed to walk out of the house backwards.

[Melissa]

There's all this stuff, but you can't invite them. And then all of a sudden say, oh, no, I'm just kidding. Because that's what I'm saying about the seance. Being at the place is fine. And I do believe you can say, don't follow me home. But if you're there, you know, please come to me. Then you're inviting them to you?

[Lead Host]

Yeah, we want them to come hang out, but we, you know, it's like any relationship, you have to set borders as soon as the relationship starts. So you know.

[Melissa]

Okay, so you think you could be able to tell spirits what to do? Oh, come in here.

[Lead Host]

But you know, whoever's conducting the seance will take care of things. Man, she's like a ghost relationship.

[Derek]

Well, you know, we need to do is we need to find the seance person. So Tracy's looking for a seance person. So if you're a seance Geologist. And you are available to seance ify us, then send an email to Tracy or call us right now. Give Trace your info, because we could talk to you, and then maybe tomorrow or Wednesday, we could talk to you on the show, and you could explain to us exactly what we need to

[Lead Host]

do in order to have a safe seance.

[Derek]

Have a safe seance situation.

[Lead Host]

Hey, good morning, Elizabeth. You're on Q100.

[Caller 2]

Hey. I listened to you guys every morning. You guys are awesome. I love you.

[Lead Host]

Thank you.

[Caller 2]

But I just wanted to tell you that I used to live in New York, and a lady used to live in an apartment, and she was in my apartment complex, and she did a seance once in her apartment. And after that, she left. She had to move because the ghosts would just haunt her.

[Lead Host]

But we're gonna be in a place where the ghosts are gonna be hanging out anyway. So if they continue to haunt this haunted place, it's just, like inviting more people to the party.

[Melissa]

There's already paranormal activity. There's something that crash a party and ruin a party. And that's what I'm afraid of.

[Lead Host]

If we. If we have. There are gonna be ghosts where we're at anyway. If this person that's conducting the seance brings in additional spirits, it's like ghost eharmony, man. We're hooking all these new ghosts.

[Melissa]

Well, eharmony don't like people like me anyway, so I'm gonna be standing in the next room while you do your.

[Derek]

Maybe it's more of a Craigslist. Everybody's welcome. Whatever your freaky desire.

[Lead Host]

Derek's so freaked out, he wants to be on the voice disguiser. Just talking about it.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Lead Host]

Hey, Derek.

[Host/Advertiser]

Hey.

[Caller 1]

What's going on, guys?

[Derek]

Wait a minute.

[Caller 1]

You guys definitely do not need to do this, because even though you're in a place where the spirits are already hanging out, if you do a seance or mess with that Ouija board, you could let something worse than the spirits.

[Derek]

You kidding?

[Lead Host]

Too many movies. Hey.

[Derek]

Hey, Derek, will you say right now? Just say it nice and slow. You could open a portal to hell.

[Caller 1]

Okay. You could open a portal to hell.

[Lead Host]

You have to watch too many movies, man. Nobody dies in real life from a ghost. Ghosts don't take you out.

[Melissa]

They hang out.

[Derek]

Yes, they do float around. You run through the woods as fast as you can, and the ghost just walks quickly, but manages to catch you every time. And if you're scared, go into the basement.

[Lead Host]

Hey, Robert. Good morning. This place that we have that we're going to does Have a basement. Right.

[Derek]

I don't know that much about it.

[Lead Host]

Okay. Hey, Robert. Good morning.

[Caller 1]

Why?

[Derek]

Do you have some stuff you need to put.

[Caller 1]

How are you?

[Lead Host]

Good, how are you?

[Caller 1]

Well, my wife's a firm believer in ghost hunters and watching them and, you know, all y' all have to do is ask the right questions. Just ask them to have your presence shown so they don't follow you home. You just know you can't call them to you because then, yes, you can get in the.

[Melissa]

That's what it says.

[Lead Host]

Say that part one more time. You can call them, but you can't. You can't tell them to follow you home.

[Caller 1]

You can just ask the right questions. Ask them to make their presence known to you so that they don't follow you home. But yes, you do have the risk of having a spirit follow you home if you just ask them to come to you. You can ask them to just make their presence known to you. So that means you can't put yourself in a predicament of the other way around.

[Derek]

Well, I have already made a phone call and I am taking a zingo moped to the event, which means there's no room for the ghost to ride with me back.

[Melissa]

Well, and I've been kind of lonely. So if one comes home with, that's cool.

[Lead Host]

You don't. You see, you don't have to spend the holidays alone. You can have a whole group of people with you. So that will be Friday morning show. We are literally going to this haunted place like at 8, 9 o' clock, and we'll spend until like 1 or 2 in the morning there and we'll play it back for you guys on Friday morning. But we got a whole bunch of really cool things planned for you guys.

[Melissa]

And I am not doing no seance

[Lead Host]

the bird show.