Vault: Food Tampering

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bert Show – Vault: Food Tampering

Date: November 4, 2025
Episode Theme: Food Tampering as Revenge for Office Lunch Theft

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Overview

This episode delves into the wild and often hilarious lengths people go to when their food is stolen at work or in communal living spaces. The Bert Show cast and callers share stories about tampering with food to teach thieves a lesson, exploring the fine line between justice and going too far—with a healthy dose of the show’s signature humor and authenticity.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Office Food Theft Epidemic

• The Scenario: One of the hosts sets the stage with a common workplace frustration—having your lunch stolen from the office fridge right when you’re looking forward to it (01:44).
  • Bert: “You go, finally, noon arrives. You rush on into the kitchen...and somebody has stolen your food. Man, there’s nothing more frustrating than that.” (01:44)
• Creative Response: Instead of a confrontational email, a coworker leaves a vague warning after tampering with his pancakes, sparking rampant speculation.
  • Bert: “He never says what he’s done to the pancakes, and everyone in the office is riveted.” (03:00)
• Psychological Warfare: The ambiguity of the warning is highlighted as an effective tactic, leaving coworkers' imaginations to fill in the blanks.

2. Listener Call-Ins: Tales of Food Tampering Revenge

A. Classic Tampering Tactics

• Jane’s Orange Juice Trap (Turner Broadcasting story, 03:19)
  • Caller D: “She peed in her orange juice...put it back in the fridge, and later on that day, sure enough, somebody had drank it. But it never happened again.” (03:19-04:02)
• Unused Tampon Repellent (04:06)
  • Rhonda: “I put a new unused tampon in my lunchbox, and it warded them off like garlic does a vampire.” (04:08-04:28)
• Gleeful Approval from Hosts:
  • Bert and the team: “Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.” (04:24)

B. Gross-Out Moves

• Phlegm-Filled Sandwich at a Sorority House (04:30)
  • Caller F: “I was sick that week…spit it on the sandwich. And we put that bun back on top and put it back in the fridge. Literally, it was gone the next day.” (04:58-05:14)
  • Cassie (Host): “I think that's a great way to do it because your thoughts are always going to be way worse than actually, really, what happened.” (05:19)

C. Traps with Consequences

• Ink Sandwich for the High School Thief (05:28)

  • Caller G: “We made this…opened the sandwich up and cut the tip off a pen and put ink all over the, you know, jelly…we were easily able to identify it by the blue.” (05:28-06:00)
  • The group debates if it went too far, with consequences for the would-be poisoners.

• Dog Poo Drink for Construction Site Thief (06:08)

  • Kevin: “We drank our drink…put dog poo in it…he ran by and grabbed the cup. Needless to say, he did not steal anybody else's drink after that one.” (06:11-06:49)

D. Spicy and Medicinal Surprises

• Jalapeño-Laced Coke (06:59)
  • Kevin (warehouse): “I went asking for the hottest jalapenos…rubbed it all over the drink and all over the lid. Whoever drank my drink had a burning lip.” (07:13-07:21)
• X-Lax Lunch Special (08:12)
  • Louis: “I laced it with X-Lax…he fell for it. Spent a good afternoon and ended up going home.” (08:12-08:31)
  • Host: “Did you know who it was before you put the X-Lax in there?”
    Louis: “I had an idea…I wasn’t 100% sure. That confirmed it.” (08:31-08:40)

E. Creative Use of Technology

• Loogie in the Chocolate Milk—Caught on Camera (08:51)
  • Wayne: “I took one of our camcorders off display and hid it up in the locker…hopped a big loogie in it, recorded it…we played it on all the plasmas throughout the store.” (08:53-09:25)
  • Host (Bert): “Dude, you were really upset about the chocolate milk, aren’t you?” (09:25)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Maybe next time you will think twice about taking what's not yours. The brilliant part of this email is, he never says what he’s done.” — Bert (02:55)
• “She peed in her orange juice…But it never happened again.” — Caller D (03:42)
• "I put a new unused tampon in my lunchbox, and it warded them off like garlic does a vampire." — Rhonda (04:08)
• “Spit it on the sandwich…put that bun back on top…Literally, it was gone the next day.” — Caller F (04:59)
• “We put dog poo in it…he did not steal anybody else's drink after that one.” — Kevin (06:11)
• “I laced it with Xlax…he fell for it…ended up going home.” — Louis (08:12)
• “I was pissed, dude.” — Wayne, about his chocolate milk (09:28)

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Important Segment Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |-----------|------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:44 | Introduction of office lunch theft scenario | | 03:19 | Jane’s revenge with orange juice—classic bodily fluid deterrent | | 04:08 | Rhonda’s unused tampon defense | | 04:30 | Sorority house: cough-in-the-sandwich method | | 05:28 | High school ink sandwich plan | | 06:11 | Construction site drink filled with dog poo | | 06:59 | Jalapeño juice on stolen drinks | | 08:12 | Body shop lunch with Xlax | | 08:53 | Chocolate milk spit revenge caught on camera and public display |

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Tone and Highlights

• The episode is irreverent, funny, and a little gross—true to The Bert Show’s morning radio vibe.
• Hosts and callers compete to outdo one another with the most creative or horrifying acts of food tampering.
• There’s an underlying camaraderie among listeners and hosts about the shared indignity of having food stolen at work, and a distinctly “all bets are off” attitude towards retaliating against food thieves.

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Conclusion

Vault: Food Tampering is a collection of wild revenge tales full of humor and jaw-dropping creativity—offering solidarity to anyone who’s ever found their lunch missing from the office fridge, and a stern warning to would-be thieves: you never know what “special surprise” might be waiting.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

Hey the bird Show. I think this is a pretty common problem in most offices. You know where you come in, you bring in your lunch, you set it in the refrigerator and maybe it was leftovers from last night. And all you're doing from the time you get into work is you can't wait till 11:30 or noon just to dig into your leftovers from last night. Man, you are so stoked and you're Almost watching the minutes on the clock until you can get back into those leftovers. So you go, finally, noon arrives. You rush on into the kitchen, open up the fridge in the office, and somebody has stolen your food. Man, there's nothing more frustrating than that. Well, we have a guy here at the office that apparently has been going through this for some time, and this is how he decided to handle it, because we all got the email. I think it was yesterday. Yeah, it says, I noticed a few weeks ago that someone was stealing my frozen pancakes out of the refrigerator in the kitchen. Last week, instead of sending an email asking someone not to take what's not theirs, I decided to add a special surprise to the two pancakes that were left in the box. As I suspected, the pancakes were gone this morning. Whoever you are, I hope that you enjoyed them. Maybe next time you will think twice about taking what's not yours. The brilliant part of this email is, is he never says what he's done.

[B]

To the pancakes, and everyone in the office is riveted.

[C]

You should see the reply to all emails. It's beautiful. So if you have ever been the victim of this and you decided to do something about it and whatever you did actually worked in the office, give us a call right now. 404-741-1005.

[D]

True, true story. When I first moved to Atlanta, I worked over at Turner Broadcasting, and one of my buddies, Jane, over at Turner Broadcasting, she would just bring orange juice in. True, true story. She would bring orange juice in, and that would be her morning drink when she got in the office. And it's not that somebody would take it, but somebody would actually open up her orange juice, drink it, drink part of it, and then put the, you know, the unused undrunk portion back into the refrigerator. So it wasn't even taking the whole thing. So this happened consistently. She never found out who it was. And she got so mad one morning that she took her orange juice, drank part of it, went to the restroom, filled it back up to the brim, put it back in the refrigerator. She peed in her orange juice, put it back in the fridge, and later on that day, sure enough, somebody had drank it. But it never happened again.

[C]

Is that right?

[D]

So they must have got a little stomachache that day. True story.

[C]

Hey, Rhonda. Good morning. You're on the Burt Show.

[E]

Oh, my gosh. I got so sick of a man in my office eating lunch. I put a new unused tampon in my lunchbox, and it warded them off like garlic does a vampire.

[C]

Brilliant.

[B]

That Is awesome.

[C]

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.

[D]

Garlic does a vampire.

[E]

I love it.

[C]

Thank you for your.

[F]

Mine was actually not in the workplace. It was in the sorority house. Because at the sorority house, obviously, all the girls were sharing the refrigerator. And so I was actually staying with one of my friends one night at her sorority house, and she had a problem with people eating her food. So when we were out, we knew we were gonna be taking her food back to the house and putting it in the refrigerator. She said, you know what? I know if I put this in the fridge, somebody is gonna eat it tonight and it's not gonna be there for lunch tomorrow. And I said, well, why don't we take care of it? I happened to be sick that week, and I was. Went deep down in my chest.

[E]

Oh, God.

[F]

Hopped up a big one and spit it on the sandwich. And we put that bun back on top and put it back in the fridge. Literally, it was gone the next day. So the next chapter meeting, she stood up and said, okay, well, whoever ate my sandwich, you got some little surprise in there, and I hope you enjoyed it.

[C]

Never said what the surprise.

[F]

Never said what it was. But it was definitely a big night.

[D]

Gross.

[C]

I think that's a great way to do it because your thoughts are always going to be way worse than actually, really, what happened.

[D]

A chewy loogie is kind of gross.

[C]

Yeah, that's pretty bad.

[G]

We did the same thing to somebody who was stealing lunches. This is back in high school out of somebody's locker. They were like stealing sandwiches out and stuff. So we. It was like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. So we made this. Open the sandwich up and cut the tip off a pen and put ink all over the, you know, jelly, because you wouldn't be able to tell. Dark blue ink on grape jelly or whatever the. You know, it was like some dark colored jelly. And we were easily able to identify. We actually got in trouble, though, because we could have poisoned them. But we were easily able to identify it by the blue.

[C]

Oh, my God. That kid never felt more like an idiot. That is great. Good morning, Kevin. You're on the Burt show. All the hits. Q100. Hi.

[E]

Good morning, you guys. How are y' all this morning?

[C]

Excellent, man.

[E]

I've got one for you. I worked. I was a field mechanic for a construction company. And we used to have problems with one worker stealing drinks off the back of our trucks and stuff. So one afternoon we took. We had a drink. We had went to Quick Trip and got a big quart cup, and we drank our drink, got Rid of the ice and stuff. We put dog poo in it. Oh, well, when it started to rain, it rained that afternoon. He ran by and grabbed the cup. Needless to say, everybody that he carpooled with would not let him ride in the car with them anymore. And he did not steal anybody else's drink after that one.

[C]

It worked. You know what? If you're stealing somebody else's food to me, you know what you're taking? All bets are off.

[D]

That's right.

[C]

All bets are totally off.

[D]

You know, you're stealing food.

[C]

Do what you want. Good morning, Kevin. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[E]

Yeah, I have worked in a warehouse, and I always bring my own Cokes in and put them in the refrigerator. And there's about 50 people in the warehouse. Well, my drinks kept coming up missing. So one day I went to one of these little Mexican Spanish stores that are everywhere, asking for the hottest jalapenos they had and just cut it up and rubbed it all over the drink and all over the lid. Whoever drank my drink the next time had a burning lip.

[C]

Nice. That's really good revenge. Did you ever get to call him out? Like, was there somebody in the office screaming because of the jalapeno juice?

[E]

No, I guess they held it in.

[C]

See, there is.

[E]

My drink was missing.

[C]

There is something to be said about, like, Jeff and the ink on the guy's mouth. You can actually identify who it was, and they're humiliated.

[G]

I'm pretty proud that we came up with that in high school. You know what you could do now, Just given the number of people, Atlanta, who have allergies, it's not hard to just blow a little pollen dust off your car or leave the window in your house open for a few minutes and you'll find a nice coating of pollen on your table or whatever.

[B]

Yep.

[G]

So just take that yellow green powder and put it on a sandwich. That person wheezing for a month.

[C]

Hey, Louis. Good morning. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[E]

Yes. Good morning.

[C]

Morning.

[E]

Body shop. And I had a guy that I suspected was taking my lunch. So I figured I got fed up. So what I did one morning was I laced it with Xlax to see what would happen.

[G]

There you go.

[E]

And he fell for it. And he spent a good afternoon and ended up going home because he was wondering what was going on to him.

[C]

Did you know who it was before you put the. The Xlax in there?

[E]

I had an idea. I wasn't 100% sure that confirmed it.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[E]

Yeah, but then everybody else knew also what I had done. Once. Once I saw him running back and forth, we said, okay, I found them.

[C]

That's so fulfilling.

[G]

So fulfilling.

[A]

Great.

[C]

Hey, Wayne, you'll be the last call. What's up?

[E]

Hey, man. I work for HH Greg, and in our break room, that's the only place that we don't have video cameras. So I took one of our camcorders off display and hid it up in the locker. And this guy sack of crap kept taking my chocolate milk every morning. Anyway, I hopped a big loogie in it, recorded it, and then went back and plugged it into one of the receivers and we played it on all the plasmas and all the big screens throughout the entire store so everybody could see what this sack of crap was doing.

[C]

Dude, you were really upset about the chocolate milk, aren't you?

[E]

Man, I was pissed, dude.

[D]

Day after day, that's his chocolate milk.

[C]

Starts to grate after you all, you.

[G]

Know, And I'm pretty proud of that guy for calling up with that boldness. Cuz I as an adult love chocolate milk but am embarrassed to order it. Like, I've been out to breakfast before and been like, and I'll have an orange juice chocolate milk.

[C]

Hey, the bird show.

[A]

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[C]

Morning, Zoe. Got donuts.

[B]

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[C]

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[B]

Oh no, I'm not really prepared.

[F]

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[B]

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[C]

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[B]

Jeffrey, you heard them.

[C]

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[A]

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[C]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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