Vault: For These Listeners, This Is the Weekend That Matters

Summary

---

The Bert Show

Episode Summary: Vault: For These Listeners, This Is the Weekend That Matters

Date: March 24, 2026

---

Episode Overview

This episode is built around a recurring Bert Show theme: "What's happening in your life this weekend that we absolutely have to check back on Monday?" Listeners call in and share life-changing, drama-filled, or just plain intriguing plans for the weekend, often involving confrontations, big decisions, or love-life uncertainty. The cast—Bert, Jeff, Gilly, and Howie Mandel—offer their characteristic mix of humor, empathy, and side commentary. Each story is left on a cliffhanger, setting up follow-up calls after the weekend.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Dustin: Big Career Crossroads

[01:10–03:09]

• Situation: Dustin shares he's working two jobs—his established gig at UPS and a newer role at Light Year Wireless, a cell service switching to residential services. If he lands 15 new customers this weekend, he’ll be promoted to regional manager, allowing him to leave UPS and "set himself up for life."
• Memorable Quote:

  “I'm 15 people away from being regional manager and that's huge. That would set me up for life basically.” — Dustin (01:27)

• Hosts’ Reactions:
  • Jeff is visibly skeptical, thinking the call veered into a commercial (“this is why I look like you've been to 11 right here” — Jeff, 02:54).
  • Dustin attempts to give out his phone number live, seeking help.
  • Gilly and Bert react to Dustin’s tenacity and wonder about the true story behind the opportunity.
• Tone: Supportive but wary, with the hosts openly questioning the legitimacy of the sales pitch.

Timestamps:

• [01:15] Dustin explains the job and promotion.
• [01:48] Describes Light Year Wireless and his hustle.
• [03:01] Gives out phone number on air; hosts react.

---

2. Anonymous Caller: "My Boyfriend's Mom Won't Let Go"

[03:27–08:09]

• Situation: An anonymous caller is frustrated by her boyfriend's mother, who expects her 24-year-old son (living independently) to come "home" for dinner three times a week—especially Sunday. The mom goes as far as buying him groceries and clothes, then nags him if he doesn't use them or make appearances.
• Caller’s Plan: She’s considering a heart-to-heart with the mom during Sunday dinner, hoping the mom might “ease up.” The caller knows she wants to say "back off" but plans to soften the language.
• Key Quotes:

  "She treats my boyfriend like he is 14…It's really getting in the way of our relationship." — Caller (03:56)
  “If she finds out we go out on the weeknights, then she'll lecture him and be like, oh, you shouldn't be doing that. You gotta make sure you rest up for work…” — Caller (05:34)

• Hosts’ Reactions:
  • Gilly: Points out the irony that the boyfriend is dating someone just as controlling as his mother (“No wonder he picked his mom to date”—Gilly, 08:09).
  • Howie Mandel: Questions why the boyfriend isn't standing up for himself.
  • Bert & Jeff: Shocked when caller admits she’s only been with her boyfriend for two months (“No, you cannot talk to Martin, and that is too soon.” — Howie Mandel, 07:31).
• Memorable Moment: Universal surprise (bordering on alarm) that after only two months, the caller is stepping into family dynamics at this level.

Timestamps:

• [03:32] Caller introduces the situation.
• [04:24] Details of overbearing behavior.
• [06:07] Reveals Sunday dinner confrontation plan.
• [07:25] Relationship length questioned ("two months" bombshell).

---

3. Sarah: Surprising the Not-Quite-Boyfriend

[08:41–11:16]

• Situation: Sarah’s in a “gray area” with a guy she dated a year and a half ago. He just moved to Tennessee, but right before leaving they confessed love. Unsure if they're still a couple, Sarah’s deciding whether to visit him as a surprise this weekend or give him a heads-up.
• Key Quotes:

  “Do I go up there to see him and surprise him or do I just, like, give him a heads up and call?” — Sarah (08:46)
  “We both wanted to date each other, but that was kind of left as is. We didn’t say, like, oh, because we’re going to, or because we’re not…” — Sarah (09:14)

• Hosts’ Reactions:
  • Gilly and Howie Mandel suggest just showing up for the "genuine reaction," while also warning about the possible risks.
  • Bert stresses: “This is not a segment for advice,” reminding the team they’ll just check back to see what happens.
  • Jeff jokes about bad instincts in back-to-back callers.
• Memorable Moment: The “should I, shouldn’t I?” debate about showing up unannounced highlights the timeless tension between impulse and reason in relationships.

Timestamps:

• [08:46] Sarah lays out her dilemma.
• [09:09] Relationship timeline clarified.
• [10:25] Decision point—surprise or call?
• [11:16] Sarah agrees to update Monday.

---

4. Nicole: Is a Remarriage Proposal in the Air?

[11:23–13:03]

• Situation: Nicole’s dad, divorced from her mom for seven years, is flying in and hints that Nicole should get a sitter for her own child and that her boyfriend needs to be present. She strongly suspects her father is planning to propose to her mother—despite a “very unhappy divorce.”
• Key Quotes:

  “I'm thinking that my dad is going to propose to my mom again, which is a really big deal because it was not a very happy divorce…” — Nicole (11:32)

• Hosts’ Reactions:
  • Bert and Jeff boggled by the “too many details” and rapid-fire storytelling.
  • Jeff sums up: “Your parents might be getting remarried?” (12:59).
  • General suspense about a dramatic possible reconciliation, especially given the previous rocky history.
• Memorable Moment: The show notes the emotional stakes—Nicole's anxiety and possible hope for her family.

Timestamps:

• [11:32] Nicole shares her hunch about the proposal.
• [12:17] Confirms the parents' seven-year divorce.
• [12:59] Jeff captures the call in a nutshell.

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

• "That's a dangerous thing to do there, Burt." — Gilly to Burt about letting a caller give out their number live (03:09)
• “It is true. He picked his mom.” — Burt, on why the boyfriend is drawn to controlling women (08:12)
• “I think this has gone on seven weeks too long.” — Jeff, after learning the controlling girlfriend's relationship is only two months old (07:41)
• “People are calling to give advice...but this is not what this is all about, right?” — Burt, on the advice flood after each segment (11:17)
• “Perfect. Okay. All right, let me put you on hold and we'll check back with you on Monday.” — Burt, setting up the signature follow-up (13:03)

---

Episode Highlights with Timestamps

| Segment / Topic | Speaker(s) | Timestamp | |---------------------------------------------------------------------|-----------------|------------| | UPS vs. Light Year Wireless—Dustin’s life-changing weekend | Dustin, Hosts | 01:10–03:09 | | To confront or not: Girlfriend vs. boyfriend’s overbearing mother | Anonymous, Hosts| 03:27–08:09 | | Surprise visit or not: the Tennessee “relationship test” | Sarah, Hosts | 08:41–11:16 | | A hopeful remarriage proposal after a messy divorce | Nicole, Hosts | 11:23–13:03 |

---

Summary Tone and Atmosphere

• Style: Real, relatable, affectionate banter—classic Bert Show.
• Approach: Listeners share big personal moments, hosts hold back advice but deliver lots of quips and honest reactions. Deadpan humor and skepticism keep things light despite serious topics.
• Memorable dynamic: The “check back Monday” premise, creating suspense and investment in the listeners' stories—blending real-life soap opera with comedic radio talk.

---

For those who missed the episode:
You'll be left eagerly awaiting Monday's follow-ups—will Dustin change careers? Will a controlling mom yield to a girlfriend's plea? Will a surprise romantic visit go well, and will there be a second-chance proposal after years of divorce? The Bert Show casts ordinary weekend dilemmas as unmissable moments—proving why their real, funny, and authentic energy keeps listeners coming back.

---

Transcript

[Tyler Redick]

Hey, it's Tyler Redick from 2311 Racing. Most slot games are a solo lap. Slot Masters on Chumba Casino puts you on the grid with two other players battle it out over a two minute run. Everyone spinning at once, points stacking up and the leaderboard updating before the clock hits zero. Are you ready to race? With over 200 casino styled games and new ones dropping every week, there's always something new to line up for. Join the [e-mail] let's jumble.

[Burt]

Sponsored by Chumba Casino.

[Tyler Redick]

No purchase necessary.

[Burt]

VGW Group Fort Worth prohibited by law 21 terms and conditions apply.

[Bleacher Report Announcer]

The Bleacher Report app is your destination for sports right now. The NBA is heating up, March Madness is here and MLB is almost back. Every day there's a new headline, a new highlight, a new moment you've got to see for yourself. That's why I stay locked in with the Bleacher Report app. For me it's about staying connected to my sports. I can follow the teams I care about, get real time scores, breaking news and highlights all in one place. Download the Bleacher Report app today so you never miss a moment.

[Burt]

The Bird show alright, so what's going on in your life this weekend? So cool, so intriguing that we got to check back with you on Monday morning. What's going on? Dustin?

[Dustin]

Hey, what's up guys?

[Burt]

How are you?

[Dustin]

I'm very good. How are y' all doing?

[Burt]

Good, man. What's on the line for you this weekend?

[Dustin]

Well, if I can get 15 customers this weekend, I can be promoted to a regional manager which means that I would be quitting what I thought was my career at UPS because I'm working two jobs.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Dustin]

And it's just kind of like a life decision because you know, UPS is someone to get with and stay with and you know when you get the opportunity. And now I've got this other thing going here in. And I'm, I've come so far that I'm just, I'm 15 people away from being regional manager and that's huge. You know, that would set me up for life basically.

[Burt]

What is the, the other thing you're talking about?

[Dustin]

It's, it's Light Year Wireless. It is. It's a company that's coming out from being commercial for the past 15 years and we are now residential and doing cell phones like AT&T and Verizon Wireless. But we're cheaper and we have no credit checks and no deposits. But we offer the same coverage as Verizon because we use their phones, their plans, their rates and you know, I'm just, we're word of mouth marketing. So I'm on my feet. There's no commercials, there's no commercial advertising. I am the advertisement. So it's, it's, it's a, it's a lot to juggle between that ups because you know how UPS drivers are. You see us out there running around and tossing boxes and stuff. You know, we're busy. So it's, it's, it's a one in a lifetime thing for me, you know, I hope you guys take back with me. I hope it works out.

[Burt]

So 15 customers. Why are you guys. Jeff, why were you looking like you just did a tequila shot right there?

[Jeff]

Oh, I, I didn't know what direction this is going to go on. That's all.

[Burt]

Oh, okay. So if you get the 15 customers, the brand new career for you on Monday.

[Dustin]

Yeah. Hey, can I say my phone number so maybe you can give me the 15 customers?

[Jeff]

Oh yeah. This is the direction I thought it

[Burt]

was going to go. This is why I look like you've been to 11 right here.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Burt]

Well you might as well. You got on, you worked your way on. So you're aggressive enough to do that

[Dustin]

then go ahead Atlanta, call me at 678-386-3381. I will hook you up.

[Burt]

Okay, thank you. Hold on one second. Okay.

[Gilly]

That's a dangerous thing to do there, Burt.

[Burt]

He got through and he was aggressive enough. So you're in your own hands. At that point I had no idea really what he was talking about. As far as the phone stuff goes, I didn't understand.

[Howie Mandel]

I don't either.

[Burt]

I was out of the loop on it.

[Gilly]

Well, I kind of checked out because I thought it was a commercial.

[Burt]

Sounded like it. Which it turned out to be.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Burt]

Good morning, Deanne. You were on the voice disguiser. Hi.

[Nicole]

Hi.

[Caller with boyfriend's mom issue]

How are you?

[Burt]

Good. What's going on in your life this weekend?

[Caller with boyfriend's mom issue]

Okay, this weekend I have got to have a serious heart to heart with my boyfriend's mom.

[Burt]

A serious heart to heart with your boyfriend?

[Jeff]

Now hold on a minute before we go too far. Are you trying to convince her to switch from her current cell phone plan to light your wireless to one that you are offering?

[Burt]

You want to give your phone number out right now?

[Caller with boyfriend's mom issue]

Nothing like that. And I'm not giving out my number, that's for sure.

[Burt]

What's going on with your boyfriend's mom?

[Caller with boyfriend's mom issue]

She treats my boyfriend like he is 14. I mean she does not treat him like an adult. And it's just. It's really getting in the way of our relationship. It's really annoying. And at first, you know, I mean, I thought, oh, wow, she's such a great mom. But it's really. She just takes everything too far. She, like, for one thing, she expects him home, like, three nights a week for dinner.

[Gilly]

He still. He lives at home?

[Caller with boyfriend's mom issue]

No, he hasn't lived at home. He hasn't been home in almost four years.

[Burt]

Okay, how old is he?

[Caller with boyfriend's mom issue]

He's 24.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Caller with boyfriend's mom issue]

He expects him home, like, about three nights a week. And she expects him one of those nights for him to be home every single Sunday for dinner. And if he's not, then she will call him and nag him and talk about, you know, how she went grocery shopping for all of his favorite things and how it's gonna spoil in the fridge if he doesn't come home and eat it. And it makes him feel guilty if he doesn't come home those three nights, especially every single Sunday.

[Gilly]

Like, what happens three nights? I'll give it to you. That's too much. But if she wanted him home every Sunday night, I think there's something kind of nice about that. That's cute.

[Caller with boyfriend's mom issue]

Yeah, that's nice. I mean, I thought that. But, like, if he misses a Sunday night, like, one time he had something to do at work and he just got really stressed out, and it was more stressful for him that he had to, like, drive across town and go to his mom's when he had, like, so much he needed to do. And it just. It's not out of a place of, I can't wait to go home and eat my mom's food. Now it's getting out of a place of just feeling stressed if he doesn't please her. And, I mean, I thought it was cute, too, but it's just. I mean, three nights a week, you just can't do that. And he doesn't live there anymore. And she does stuff like, you know, she'll go shopping and get clothes for him. And, I mean, everybody loves for their parents to give him clothes, but if he's not wearing something that she bought him when she sees him, then she nags him about that, too. And it's just. I just. I think it's too much. And, you know, if she finds out, like, even. Even little things, like, if she finds out we go out on the weeknights, then she'll lecture him and be like, oh, you shouldn't be doing that. You gotta make sure you rest up for work. And Just, he's a big boy. You know what I mean? And it just. I can't handle it. And it's really getting in the way of our relationship.

[Burt]

I'm curious how you think this relationship, like, best case scenario, how this conversation actually is gonna go this weekend. So

[Caller with boyfriend's mom issue]

this is what I'm going to do for the Sunday night dinner. I'm going to go with him, and when she's in the kitchen, like, when we're away from him, I just want to pull her aside and just basically say, you know what? I really think that your son and I have a chance to make this work, that this could go somewhere. And I really just think if there's any way that you could just ease up on him. I don't want to say the words back off. That's what I'm feeling, is that she needs to back off.

[Burt]

And ease up is the same thing as back off.

[Caller with boyfriend's mom issue]

Ease up is the one to put it. If she could just kind of ease up on him a bit and not put so much pressure on him to be home three nights a week that,

[Jeff]

you know, how long have you guys

[Caller with boyfriend's mom issue]

been, like, a big boy then? You know, that's. That's kind of my plan.

[Howie Mandel]

I'm just. I'm curious why your boyfriend's not sticking up for his own self. I mean, he's a big boy. Why can't he tell mom no every once in a while and not answer the phone and be afraid of the nagging?

[Caller with boyfriend's mom issue]

Yeah, I've talked to him about it, you know, I've said several times, you know what? You really need to just tell her. This bothers you. This makes you stressed out. You know, you feel like she's nagging you, and he's like, oh, you know, she's my mom. I can't. You know, I've kind of hinted before, but, you know, but his hinting is not being upfront. He's been, you know, he's not having a backbone about it.

[Howie Mandel]

Well, then he needs to be a big boy and get a backbone and talk to her.

[Burt]

I think Jeff was gonna ask you a really important question here. And how long have you guys been going out?

[Caller with boyfriend's mom issue]

Almost two months.

[Howie Mandel]

No, you cannot talk to Martin, and that is too soon.

[Burt]

Yes, she can.

[Gilly]

You didn't just say two years and we misheard that, right?

[Caller with boyfriend's mom issue]

No, it's been almost two months.

[Burt]

Two months.

[Jeff]

Well, I think this has gone on seven weeks too long.

[Gilly]

Well, now I see why he's attracted to you because you're just like his mom.

[Burt]

Controlling, you mean?

[Howie Mandel]

Yes.

[Gilly]

It's exactly why he's attracted to you. She controls him. And obviously now, so do you want to do the same thing? Wow, that's nuts.

[Burt]

Two months. That is not gonna go well. Look, I want to put you on hold because this is not a segment of advice right here. So we're just gonna check back with you on Monday and find out how that all went.

[Nicole]

Wow.

[Burt]

Okay, hold on.

[Gilly]

I mean, seriously, no wonder he picked his mom to date.

[Burt]

Yeah, yeah, it is true.

[Gilly]

He picked his mom.

[Burt]

That is gonna go horribly, indeed, horribly wrong.

[Jeff]

You guys need to be a little more optimistic.

[Gilly]

One controlling woman wasn't enough for him in his life. He had to have two. And now those two are gonna battle it out this weekend.

[Burt]

Look, I don't want to use the words back off, so I think I'll just use ease up.

[Howie Mandel]

Ease up.

[Gilly]

How about step off?

[Burt]

Hey, Sarah, good morning. What is going on in your life this weekend that is so intriguing? We got to check back with you on Monday.

[Sarah]

All right. My boyfriend, a couple months, a couple weeks ago, moved to Tennessee. Well, it's kind of that gray area of are we boyfriend and girlfriend? We've said you've loved each other. We've said that we both want to date each other again, something. And do I go up there to see him and surprise him or do I just, like, give him a heads up and call? So I'm kind of. I've got about two more hours of work before I decide this to go up there.

[Burt]

All right, give us the stats on this again. You guys have been dating each other for how long?

[Sarah]

We dated about a year and a half ago.

[Burt]

A year and a half ago?

[Sarah]

Yeah, we. Then about three, four weeks ago, before he moved, he decided. He said, oh, I love you. I said it back. I've never said that to another guy before. You know, we both wanted to date each other, but that was kind of like, left as is. We didn't say, like, oh, because we're going to, or because we're not. It just kind of was, is what it is. Of course. This is like two days before he left, this all was said.

[Howie Mandel]

So does he know you're coming up there?

[Sarah]

I haven't decided. I'm not sure if I'm going to surprise him or tell him that I'm coming.

[Burt]

So there really wasn't any kind of official, like, look, I'm going to see other people. You're going to see people?

[Sarah]

Yeah. No, there wasn't.

[Burt]

So your plan could be to go up there and surprise him this weekend. And sort of gauge where the relationship is based on his surprise to see you.

[Sarah]

Yeah,

[Gilly]

smart test.

[Burt]

Okay, again, this is not a segment for advice.

[Gilly]

Right.

[Burt]

So we just want to check back Monday.

[Sarah]

That's fine. So I'm thinking. So at this point, I've got about two hours to decide if I'm going to go or not or if I'm gonna call him or not call him because I'm going either way. I'm just not sure if I'm gonna call him yet before I go, but I'm going either way.

[Burt]

What is your gut telling you to do?

[Sarah]

My gut's telling me I should probably call before I go. But.

[Howie Mandel]

No, don't do that.

[Jeff]

Guess what? We got a girl on the other line whose guts telling her to do something that we're gonna warn her passionately against.

[Gilly]

So what I think you should. I think you should go without the warning.

[Sarah]

I don't really.

[Gilly]

You really will get the genuine reaction that way. I think if you call him and give him the heads up he. Time to sort of.

[Howie Mandel]

What if he moved up there for somebody?

[Sarah]

Oh, no, I know. He lives. He lives up there. His family's all up there, and he got a job up there. So I know that there's no other girl there because he. Even when there was other girls. Tells me everything.

[Burt]

Almost everything again.

[Gilly]

I missed Tennessee. Tennessee. Okay, so it's not that far of a drive.

[Caller with boyfriend's mom issue]

No, let me.

[Burt]

Let me put you on hold right now. And we want to find out what you did on Monday. Okay?

[Sarah]

Okay.

[Gilly]

Surprise him.

[Burt]

People are calling to give advice. They want to give it, but this is not what this is all about, right?

[Gilly]

No, I'm holding my tongue.

[Burt]

All right, one more. Hey, Nicole. Good morning. You're on Q100.

[Nicole]

Good morning. AM I on the voice disguiser?

[Burt]

Sure you are.

[Nicole]

Okay, well, my dad called me. He lives out west and said it's important that you get a sitter for Sunday. I'm flying in, so I think your boy's gonna see you there. And my parents have been divorced for about seven years. I'm thinking that my dad is going to propose to my mom again, which is a really big deal because it was not a very happy divorce, and they know that I want to be very happy with it, so. Yeah, so. But they're like, your boyfriend needs to be there, and it's important that you know you don't have your daughter so that you can focus. And I have no idea. Like.

[Burt]

Okay, hold on, hold on. Too many details.

[Jeff]

There's a lot of information coming at us right now.

[Burt]

Too many details and we're going too fast on this. All right, so your parents have been divorced for how long?

[Nicole]

About seven years.

[Burt]

Seven years. And they've been in contact with each other over the last seven years?

[Nicole]

Well, yeah, more so in the last year.

[Burt]

And has your mom been flying out to the west to hang out with your dad and your dad flying here?

[Nicole]

No, he comes here to see me and my daughter, but. And they see each other when he's here. But no, she doesn't really go out there.

[Burt]

And you think even though they're sort of dabbling in some communication, what makes you think that he's going to re. Propose to her this weekend?

[Nicole]

Just. He said something to my brother who lives out west and I don't know, it's just one of those gut feelings. So I'm just like. I'm so stressed. I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to do. So I don't know.

[Jeff]

So you got going on this weekend? Your parents might be getting remarried?

[Caller with boyfriend's mom issue]

Yeah.

[Burt]

Perfect. Okay. All right, let me put you on hold and we'll check back with you on Monday. Okay. The Birch show the Global Gaming League

[Howie Mandel]

is presented by Atlas Earth, the fun cashback app. Hey, it's Howie Mandel and I am inviting you to witness history as me and my How We do it gaming team take on Gilly the King and Wallow. Two six seven million dollars gaming in an epic global gaming league video game showdown. Plus a halftime performance by multi platinum artist Travy McCoy. Watch all the action and see who wins and advances to the championship match right [e-mail] that's globalgamingleague.com in partnership with Level Up Exp.

[Cole Swindell]

Hey, it's Cole Swindell. And when I spend 200 days a year rolling down the highway, the bus can start to feel smaller than a guitar case. Everyone wonders how I stay chill while the hours crawl by. Truth is one good luck spent on Chumba and suddenly the trip feels a whole lot shorter. Finding your space even when there isn't much to spare. Need some chill? Let's Chumba.

[Burt]

No purchase necessary VGW Group Void were prohibited by law 21/ TNC supply sponsored

[Texas Tourism Announcer]

by Chumba Casino Calling all fun lovers and memory makers. Texas invites you to cheer from our stadiums and dance like no one is watching. Culture seekers can find the art that truly inspires. And from our shopping hubs to our chic boutiques, fashionistas will never leave empty handed. Texas is an unforgettable experience that's waiting just for you. Visit traveltexas.com and plan your trip today. Let's Texas.