Vault: Guys Panel Part 1

Summary

The Bert Show: Vault – Guys Panel Part 1 (July 9, 2026)

Episode Overview

In this lively and candid episode, The Bert Show hosts a “Guys Panel,” inviting listeners—mainly women—to ask any question they want about men and relationships, intimacy, and honesty. The panel—consisting of Bert, Dolvett, Brian, Dutch, Jeff, and Southside Steve—offer unfiltered male perspectives, sincere confessions, and plenty of humor. The episode explores common relationship concerns, insecurity, sexual openness, and the question of honesty in breakups, all with the show’s signature authenticity and wit.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Is Self-Satisfaction Inevitable for Men, Even When Satisfied in a Relationship?

[02:28 – 03:57]

• Listener Barbara asks if it’s inevitable that her husband "takes care of himself" when they work opposite shifts.

• The men on the panel unanimously agree that yes, even when sexually satisfied in a relationship, men will still engage in self-satisfaction, though perhaps less frequently.

  • Dutch: "Yes, yes. To a lesser degree, but yes." [03:51]
  • Brian: "The guys are just like that, you know, visual stimulation." [03:53]

• Bert notes that expensive pay-per-view porn charges are a concern, especially when there’s free content available.

  • Jeff: "You can Google stuff... if you want to save the family some money, go out to eat one or two more times this month." [04:07]

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2. Are Men Intimidated by Sex Toys or Bedroom “Extras”?

[04:18 – 06:39]

• A listener wonders if men feel threatened when women want to introduce toys into the bedroom.

• The unanimous answer: Not at all. Most guys are supportive or enthusiastic, seeing it as a positive sign:

  • Southside Steve: "Buy them, bring them. It's awesome." [04:48]
  • Brian: "No way." [04:32]
  • Bert: "Not at all." [04:33]

• The panel discusses context. If a woman introduces toys on a first hookup, the guys see it as “setting a tone” for fun, maybe not necessarily for a relationship:

  • Dutch: "That means she's into party. And not necessarily she's not looking for somebody long term." [05:06]
  • Southside Steve: "She's obviously no stranger." [05:17]

• Dolvett adds a comical take about being wary only if the toy is something extreme (like a chainsaw), keeping things light and humorous.

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3. Double Standards: Men with Porn Versus Women with Toys

[06:39 – 07:44]

• The conversation shifts to why it seems acceptable for women to bring toys, while men watching porn sometimes creates issues.

• Brian raises the double standard:

  • Brian: "Why are guys okay with that? But women are bad with porn. It's like we're okay. Be free, be open. But then women are like, why are you watching porn?" [06:39]

• Larissa (Caller): "It's a jealousy thing... it's other women's images that are turning you on." [06:57]

• Jeff humorously tries to reassure women: "When guys are looking at other women... they're applying that face to you." [07:10]

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4. Do Men Notice Women’s “Flaws” During Intimacy?

[07:54 – 10:43]

• Barbara (different caller) asks if men notice physical "flaws" like weight gain, stretch marks, or cellulite during intimacy.

• The guys admit noticing, but stress that confidence and emotional connection are far more appealing:

  • Dutch: "You notice them, but depending on how you feel about the person, you can look directly past." [08:35]
  • Jeff: "I would notice the shaving or a hygiene issue before I would notice, like, weight or something like that." [08:53]

• Brian: "Any guy that's out there, that's a hunter of any kind, you notice, you see every little thing... but if we like you and we care about you, we can get past a lot." [09:27]

  • Bert: "You're way more self conscious about it than dudes are paying attention to it." [09:57]
  • Dutch: "If you wear your confidence and don't care about that kind of stuff, we're not going to care about it because we're going to be drawn to your confidence." [09:59]

Memorable Moment

• Dolvett: "I'm a foot guy and it was a girl I was dating had horrible feet, but she was so confident, she just threw them out there. I was like, man, she worked them in the shoes. And I'm like, I'll date you." [10:12]
• Follow-up challenge, with the panel ribbing Dolvett about whether he'd keep dating someone with "jacked up" feet.
  • Brian: "No, please, Hope. Yeah. Next caller." [10:51]
  • Female caller: "Calling you out. No, you would not. Look me in the eye, Dolvette." [11:16]

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5. Why Aren’t Men Honest During Breakups?

[11:29 – 13:39]

• Marlene (Caller): asks why men aren’t upfront during breakups, instead blaming vague "crises" then "coming back" later.

• The panel admits to cowardice, mainly out of not wanting to hurt feelings.

  • Dolvett: "We do it because we don't want to hurt your feelings. You got it? And that's all it is." [11:57]
  • "Nobody wants to hurt somebody's feelings. Sometimes it's tough to look somebody in the eye... we'd rather you get mad at us than break up with you with tears in your eyes." [12:16]

• Southside Steve: "Do you want me to tell you that I found a better option or just to go radio silent?" [12:25]

• Bert: "But you're gonna hurt her either way... why not just tell her?" [12:43]

• Brian: "How do you tell her? You know what? You're nice, you're great, but you're boring." [13:02]

• Marlene: "Oh, no, I want the truth. Because to me the lie is... you have to unravel it... what really happened? Just tell me the truth." [13:17]

• Dolvett: "Relationships are all about sex. Until you find somebody you like, then you have a friendship." [13:39]

Notable Quote

• Bert: "Chew on that, ladies." [13:45]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Brian: "The guys are just like that, you know, visual stimulation." [03:53]
• Jeff: "If you come in and all of a sudden you got one arm... I could work around that." [08:47]
• Dolvett: "If it's on a battery, I'm okay. If it's using an extension cord, I'm scared. If I see an orange cord, I'm out." [06:02]
• Dutch: "If you wear your confidence and don't care about that kind of stuff, we're not going to care about it." [09:59]
• Dolvett: "Relationships are all about sex. Until you find somebody you like, then you have a friendship." [13:39]

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 02:28 — Inevitable self-satisfaction when partners work opposite shifts
• 04:18 — Are men intimidated by toys in the bedroom?
• 06:39 — Double standard: Women’s toys vs. men’s porn
• 07:54 — Do men notice women’s “flaws” in intimacy?
• 11:29 — Why aren’t men honest during breakups?

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Tone and Approach

The episode maintains a warm, humorous, and candid tone. The panelists are unafraid to poke fun at one another, admit their own flaws, and address “taboo” or sensitive questions with honesty and wit. The conversation is earnest, occasionally cheeky, and meant to both enlighten and comfort the show’s female audience.

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Summary

This “Guys Panel” delivers what The Bert Show promises: real talk, laughs, and a peek into what men actually think when it comes to sex, relationships, body image, and honesty. The answers—sometimes revealing, sometimes playful—offer reassurance, a dash of vulnerability, and the clear message that, despite imperfections or awkward truths, confidence and openness (on both sides) trump everything else.

Transcript

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[Burt]

All right, so we got Dolvett back in studio this morning. What's up, dude?

[Brian]

What's up, brother? Good to see you.

[Burt]

The sunglasses man. I mean, really?

[Female Caller]

That's what I told him.

[Burt]

Really?

[Female Caller]

Pulling an usher?

[Burt]

Is that where we're at here with sunset?

[Brian]

It's officially spring. Let's go.

[Burt]

We all know each other. You're not a rock star. Really? You're gonna keep those on?

[Southside Steve]

Dude, you wore those up here in the dark this morning.

[Brian]

What did I do? In the privacy of my home is

[Southside Steve]

my rock and roll.

[Burt]

So Dolvett's here. He is single. Brian is here as well. Again Very single. And how old?

[Southside Steve]

33.

[Burt]

33 years old. Dutch is back.

[Dutch]

Yep. Good morning.

[Burt]

Good morning. How you doing, dude?

[Dutch]

Good, man.

[Burt]

And you're how old?

[Dutch]

31.

[Burt]

31. Single. Also, Jeff is married, I'm married. And Southside Steve should be working his way down here in a couple of minutes also. All right, any question goes. And we're close enough to 8:30 now that we can dive right into some of the more adult material. So let's get to it. Larissa, good morning. You're on Q and A.

[Barbara]

Good morning. How are you guys? I love you.

[Burt]

Thank you. What's going on with you today?

[Barbara]

I am just curious. If a married couple, such as myself and my husband, work opposite shifts, is it pretty much inevitable that the male is going to watch certain types of videos and take care of himself?

[Burt]

And this is for the married couples. Are you talking about in general? Damn. I don't know if they're both together, but the chances are pretty good. Yeah. That your husband's taking care of himself. Yeah.

[Barbara]

Is it just, like, inevitable? Is this just something that they have to do? I mean, I don't understand because I don't feel that need when we're apart, you know, because he works the night shift and I work days and, you know, we have a great marital life when we're together. But it. I'm getting like four or five hundred dollar Comcast bills.

[Burt]

Oh, well, wow. Okay. So he's watching porn that much.

[Jeff]

Maybe it's just those Ultimate Fighting Champion things. Maybe he's just really into that ufc.

[Barbara]

If you work opposing shifts like that, is it inevitable that it's gonna happen?

[Burt]

Well, here's the. Here's the real question also, is, like, if a guy is satisfied sexually, and it doesn't matter if you're married or not. So anybody can answer this. If a guy is satisfied sexually, are you still taking care of yourself?

[Spin Quest Announcer]

Yes. Yeah.

[Dutch]

Yes, yes. To a less. To a lesser degree, but yes.

[Brian]

Yes. The guys are just like that, you know, visual stimulation.

[Burt]

I suppose you can't take that personally. The porn thing, though, that sounds like that sounds excessive.

[Brian]

Yeah.

[Dutch]

Especially when it's free.

[Southside Steve]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

You know.

[Spin Quest Announcer]

What do you mean?

[Brian]

Dutch?

[Jeff]

I know Bert's all about supporting Comcast and everything, but you can Google stuff. Like, just Google Booth, Right?

[Southside Steve]

No doubt.

[Jeff]

I mean, if you want to save the family some money, go out to eat one or two more times this month.

[Female Caller]

Well, I have a bedroom question. This is for single, married dating, whatever. And this has been coming up with a lot of my girlfriends because we've been doing the pure romance parties. Are guys intimidated by bringing other things into the bedroom? Like toys?

[Southside Steve]

Giddy up, cowgirl.

[Dutch]

Absolutely not.

[Brian]

No. No way.

[Burt]

Not intimidated at all.

[Dutch]

No way.

[Burt]

Not at all.

[Spin Quest Announcer]

Not at zero.

[Jeff]

Now define other things. Are you talking about like. Like another man?

[Female Caller]

Because we never know whether to buy them or not because we're always worried that a guy will think, like, either we're weird or that they're not doing anything for us.

[Southside Steve]

Buy them, bring them. It's awesome.

[Burt]

Okay, now let me ask you when, though, because if you're. If it's the first time you're hooking up with a girl and she breaks out, that stuff, what is that saying to you?

[Southside Steve]

Sets tone. I'm definitely going to call her back

[Burt]

and get her back over.

[Brian]

Oh, yeah, Set the tone.

[Burt]

It sets the tone.

[Dutch]

So may or may not date that one.

[Burt]

That's what I was about to say.

[Dutch]

That one.

[Burt]

Let's get into that.

[Dutch]

But I mean, the thing is, like, if they're breaking that stuff out immediately without any and on first date style, that means she's into party. And not necessarily she's not looking for somebody long term.

[Southside Steve]

She's obviously no stranger.

[Brian]

Oh, she's not looking to do something to you, per se, you know. But yeah, definitely. Bring it.

[Burt]

So Southside.

[Dolvett]

Yeah.

[Burt]

What is the amount of time that you should be with a woman where she starts, takes it up to the other level, breaks out the insurrection stuff there without you? Like, being turned off by it? Like, the first time is probably gonna be a turn off as far as a relationship goes.

[Dolvett]

So I'm in a relationship. I'm looking for relationships.

[Burt]

First time you hook up with a girl, she breaks out, you know, A chainsaw.

[Southside Steve]

Wow.

[Dolvett]

I think so.

[Jeff]

Dude, that's not a pure romance party. That's Home Depot.

[Brian]

Exact.

[Jeff]

He was at aisle seven just 13 years, y'.

[Southside Steve]

All.

[Burt]

I'm at a different level than y'.

[Barbara]

All.

[Dolvett]

If it's on a battery, I'm okay. If it's using an extension cord, I'm scared. If I see an orange cord, I'm out.

[Southside Steve]

Hooked up to the generator.

[Dolvett]

Yeah, exactly. No, it wouldn't bother me. I think a lot of guys just probably think that if a chick brings a toy in or something like that, that that tells them they feel inadequate, like they're not getting it done. And I think that you got to be open to it. Whatever feels good. And if there's certain things, like, you know, can we say the word rabbit? I can't. I can do that for five seconds and that's it. I mean, that thing does a lot of stuff. So I don't. You know, I mean, where are you putting it? I don't think a dude. I don't think a dude should be offended by it. I think if that's a part of her bedroom, that's a part of what she is, so it wouldn't bother me.

[Brian]

Well, let me bring that stuff. Why is guy. Why are guys okay with that? But women are bad with porn. It's like, we're okay. Be free, be open. But then women are like, why are you watching porn? It's like a double standard.

[Burt]

So, like, you feel like it's okay. It's okay for them to be freaky, but you're not allowed to be free.

[Dolvett]

And that's the only thing I would even be.

[Larissa]

The only reason I would say that is because it's other women's images that are turning you on. So it's like a jealousy thing.

[Dolvett]

Come on.

[Larissa]

Whereas if it's, you know, if it's items, then it's an inanimate item. We're not bringing in other images of other men in the bedroom.

[Jeff]

But you have to understand, when guys are looking at other women, when they're with you, they're applying that face to you.

[Brian]

So it's inclusive.

[Jeff]

So it's like. Yeah, so it is like. It is like you. I mean, just like Megan Fox's body

[Southside Steve]

and face, but it's you, the sea dog.

[Jeff]

No worries.

[Burt]

At the end of the day, why do you care? You're getting it.

[Dolvett]

And imagination's part of the bedroom. I think about Ms. White and geometry, putting her pin top in her ear, eating earwax, and that makes me go forever.

[Brian]

Wow.

[Dolvett]

You know, you do what you got to do. It's all about the mind.

[Southside Steve]

You know, Weird.

[Brian]

Well, you know, weird. If you make it weird or think

[Dolvett]

about baseball, that works, too.

[Burt]

Hey, Barbara. Good morning. You're on with the Burt Show's Guy panel. Any question goes.

[Barbara]

Good morning, guys. Hey, Burt Show.

[Marlene]

I love it.

[Barbara]

I listen to you guys every morning.

[Burt]

Thank you.

[Barbara]

But one of my questions, and especially when you're intimate with someone, especially with your guy, do you guys notice our flaws? Like, if we've gained a little weight or just, you know, physical things that women would get self conscious about?

[Burt]

What a great question.

[Southside Steve]

What was the show? Was it Bret Michaels that had the laser pointer out? He was basically just hiding light on the back of a girl's legs.

[Burt]

So in all honesty, when you're intimate, do you notice a woman's Flaws. Dutch, we'll start with you because you seem most uncomfortable.

[Dutch]

You notice them, but depending on how you feel about the person you can look directly past.

[Jeff]

Depends on the status of the flaw, too. Like, if you come in and all of a sudden you got one arm.

[Burt]

I could work around that.

[Jeff]

Yeah, but you're gonna notice that to

[Brian]

stop shaving all of a sudden. That type of thing.

[Jeff]

I would notice. I would notice that. I would notice the shaving or a hygiene issue before. I would notice, like weight or something like that.

[Burt]

Are you. Are you worried about weight gain? Is that what you're specifically talking about, Barbara?

[Barbara]

I'm talking about weight gain, especially if you haven't seen someone in a long time or, you know, women were more prone to like, cellulitis or scarring or stretch marks. Just stuff like that that we are very self conscious about.

[Burt]

It's a great question. Do you guys notice what she considers flaws? Stretch marks, Cellulite, extra weight.

[Brian]

Absolutely. They notice it, we notice it.

[Dolvett]

Any guy that's out there, that's a hunter of any kind, you notice, you see every little thing. I'll notice if you've got a chip on your fourth toe, on your toenail polish, you know, you're just going to see. And don't think that that's a bad thing. I think Dutch brought up a good point because I know to try to help you girls, if we like you and we care about you, we can get past a lot.

[Burt]

Absolutely. I think this is really just being positive. You know, this is really important for women to hear that. Yes, guys are seeing your flaws, but you're way more self conscious about it.

[Dolvett]

Sure.

[Burt]

Than dudes are paying attention to it.

[Dutch]

And 100% of that is confidence. If you wear your confidence and don't care about that kind of stuff, we're not going to care about it because we're going to be drawn to your confidence.

[Brian]

Absolutely.

[Burt]

It's a great question, Barbara. Thank you.

[Barbara]

Thank you so much, guys.

[Bert]

Bye.

[Burt]

Bye. You can almost hear the relief in her voice.

[Dolvett]

But nobody wants to date a whiner. You're right. Confidence is everything. I'm a foot guy and it was a girl I was dating had horrible feet, but she was so confident, she just threw them out there. I was like, man, she worked them in the shoes. And I'm like, I'll date you.

[Burt]

You and Dolvett just bonded on a

[Dolvett]

different level with the foot are everything.

[Jeff]

What do you think of Steve's feet?

[Brian]

They're great.

[Dolvett]

By the way.

[Brian]

Great pedicure, Steve.

[Dolvett]

Thank You.

[Brian]

No, but yeah, you know, the confidence goes hand in hand with that. You know, if you say, yeah, I gotta, you know, I gotta chip on my fore toe, no big deal. Let's keep moving then. All right, if you feel good about it. I feel good about it. Let's keep it going.

[Burt]

Honestly, though, I know you have broken up with girls over their feet. So even if she's confident, but she's got bad feet, you can't get around it.

[Brian]

No, please, Hope. Yeah. Next caller.

[Jeff]

No.

[Brian]

Next caller.

[Jeff]

So what was it about the foot that caused you to part ways?

[Brian]

It wasn't the foot alone. It was a combination of the foot, the attitude, you know, it was everything. I'm not shallow, Atlanta, if she's great

[Burt]

in every area, but she's got some of the most jacked up feet you've ever seen, will you continue to go out?

[Brian]

Yes.

[Dolvett]

Oh, you would not.

[Burt]

The answer is yes.

[Female Caller]

Calling you out. No, you would not.

[Jeff]

I would too.

[Female Caller]

You would not. Look me in the eye, Dolvette.

[Brian]

I'm look her in the foot. I would. Look me in the foot. I would. I would.

[Burt]

Here's Marlene. Good morning. You're on the bird show's guy panel.

[Marlene]

Good morning. How is everyone?

[Burt]

Good, thanks.

[Marlene]

My question involves honesty. I want to know why are men not honest about what they want or when they break up. The guy who just had a crisis, you know, and couldn't communicate with me, and then a week later, and this is all by tech, another text. Oh, crisis over. I miss you. Like, you know, what kind of BS is that?

[Burt]

So what's your question? Why are they cowards when they're breaking up with you?

[Marlene]

Yeah, why aren't they honest?

[Dolvett]

I'm a total coward. I'll be the first to call myself out. We do it because we don't want to hurt your feelings. You got it? And that's all it is. And I'm looking at all these guys when I run back across you six months later in a bar and we hook up again. I' going to tell you I was going through a crisis. And I think all these guys will agree. They're not going through anything.

[Marlene]

Oh, of course not. I mean, I can see right through.

[Dolvett]

Nobody wants to hurt somebody's feelings. Sometimes it's tough to look somebody in the eye only if you really pin us down. And it's usually through anger. We would rather you get mad at us than break up with you with tears in your eyes.

[Burt]

You guys agree with that?

[Southside Steve]

Yeah, I mean, pretty much depends. Do you want me to Tell you that I found a better option or do you want me just to go radio silent?

[Marlene]

I would.

[Southside Steve]

Okay, well then, I mean, that's. Some people are fine with that, and I struggle with it, just like Steve does. I don't want to tell you that I've completely lost interest because I found someone that I find more appealing than you.

[Burt]

But you're gonna hurt her either way. Yeah, like you're break at the end of the day, you're breaking up with her and she's gonna be hurt, so why not just tell her? I'm just not into it anymore, right?

[Southside Steve]

I don't know. I mean, for me, we talk about

[Brian]

it sooner with each other because Duke and I are good friends. Then I guess you would say to the. To the girl out of fear of hurting her feelings.

[Jeff]

Oh, absolutely.

[Burt]

But her feelings are gonna be hurt

[Brian]

either way because how do you tell her? You know what? You're nice, you're great, but you're boring.

[Burt]

You know, Marlene, would you really want 100% honest there? I mean, would you want your man to say, look, I interested in somebody else, or would you rather him lie to you and sort of slither his way out of the relationship?

[Marlene]

Oh, no, I want the truth. Because to me the lie is you

[Brian]

can't handle the truth so hurtful that

[Marlene]

you have to unravel it and spend devote time and energy. Well, what really happened? Just. Just tell me the truth.

[Southside Steve]

Yeah, but sometimes it might wrap you around the axle enough that six months later when you do see her in a bar like Southside Steve was saying, you can obviously go back to the well and she can become a repeat offender.

[Burt]

So really what it is, it's like you're setting up your next shot.

[Dolvett]

You got it. Relationships are all about sex. Until you find somebody you like, then you have a friendship.

[Burt]

Chew on that, ladies.

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