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Paige Desorbo
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Burt
So.
Paige Desorbo
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Burt
The Birch show all right, voice disguiser on. We are going to call virtual listener Max. Good morning. Hey, how are you today?
Max
Okay.
Vanessa
How you doing?
Burt
Good, how are you?
Max
Well, I got a little problem.
Burt
Yeah, go ahead and relay your problem and then hopefully we can have some Birch show listeners give us a call up and try to give you some advice on how to get this thing reversed, man. Because you are In a world of trouble right now.
Max
Yes, I am.
Me and my girl's been going out for about almost two years. We have a really good relationship. And I was out recently with some old college friends. We were having a big party, celebrating. One of my old friends got a divorce. We were having a big party for that, and, well, you know, we tied one on pretty well and we went out and partied. Well, apparently, I. I got a tattoo while I was.
Burt
Well, I mean, not apparently. I mean, you should be able to tell if you got a tattoo.
Max
I don't remember exactly, but I got one.
Caller/Guest
It's there now, and it wasn't the.
Burt
Day before, so apparently, there you go.
Max
It's nice. It's a nice. It's a heart on my shoulder, you know, a nice big heart underneath it. Nice engraved Amanda. Always, you know. Well, the problem is my girlfriend's name is Kelly.
Paige Desorbo
Oh, God.
Jack
Now, do you know an Amanda, or is that.
Burt
Yeah.
Jack
Oh, no. So this is a woman, you know?
Max
No. Well, it's a woman I knew. It was my high school sweetheart and a couple of years of college. It was a pretty heavy thing. All these guys remember me from when, you know, Amanda was everything. So I don't know how one thing led to another, but.
Ryan
So do you think that you told the tattoo artist to put Amanda, or do you think that your buddies told the tattoo artist to put Amanda?
Max
I think they did.
Jack
That's me.
Burt
That's Jack.
Caller/Guest
That's awesome.
Jack
I mean, it's not. I mean, not only is it the wrong woman's name, but it is an ex girlfriend. I mean, that complicates things.
Max
Oh, yeah.
Burt
So wait, how does this whole thing work? Because when I went to go get my tattoo, I mean, as soon as I walked into that little room, I'm there all by myself, and I tell them what I want on my arm. So these guys told them what to put on, and you didn't have anything to say about it?
Max
Yeah, I don't remember. I don't remember ever being alone. I remember a whole mess of us at the tattoo place, and everyone's sort of standing around while the guy was doing it. You know, they were kind of giving me shots while the guy was doing it, so I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm have to break up with Kelly or not.
Jack
Yeah, I'm surprised because I, you know, I have a little tattoo myself, and you're not supposed. I mean, like, tattoo parlors usually try not to allow people who are that Intoxicated from getting a tattoo.
Burt
They turned me down. Me and my buddy John. Same situation you were in. My buddy John, who I've known since, like, the sixth grade, he came to visit me in Dallas, and we're like, hey, you know what, dude? We're gonna go out. We're gonna get the same arm, man. Let's go. We were hammered, and we walk into the tattoo place, and the guy says, you may be able to get a crappy tattoo down there that drunk, but if I do it, I am an artist, and you're so drunk that your blood thins out. And it would make the tattoo look all skanky, so he wouldn't do it. So we had to go back the next day.
Max
We were about. We were well out of Atlanta, and from what I remember, one of my of the friends knew the tattoo guy. I think that's probably why it was. It was. You know, we were drinking there and everything.
Jack
I see.
Hers Advertiser
Neat.
Burt
So your friends go in there and set you up. Man, that's jacked up. So your girlfriend hasn't seen a tattoo yet? Obviously.
Max
No.
Burt
How have you hid that from her?
Max
I told her I hit my arm and I had a really bad black and blue, so I didn't want her to see it.
Ryan
Oh, no.
Max
But I figured, well, the good news.
Burt
Is she's not smart.
Max
So we got that going for us. She'll be clearing up. She's probably wondering already.
Caller/Guest
All right.
Burt
Oh, man. So what's your question?
Max
Well, I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to break up with her. I don't want to, you know, I'm not sure how to show it to her without ending everything, you know?
Ryan
So you're not going to have it removed?
Max
Well, yeah, I can't have it removed just yet. I think it has to. You can't have it removed? Like, until, like, two weeks or something after you got it.
Caller/Guest
And removing a tattoo takes a year? Yeah.
Burt
Does it really?
Caller/Guest
Yeah. Like, you have to laser it, and you have to go in for, like, 10 treatments.
Burt
I didn't know that. I don't know what the whole procedure was.
Max
I didn't know that.
Ryan
Now does your stuff.
Jack
Max is now mad.
Burt
Yeah, you should have been mad last week when you got the tattoo. It's time to do a little research, my friend.
Ryan
Does your girlfriend Kelly have the kind of temper. Cause you just said, like, I don't know if I should break up with her. Like, are you afraid that as soon as she sees this, she's gonna Break up with you immediately.
Max
I'm afraid she's gonna kill me.
Burt
He's not breaking up. He's gotta work.
Max
He's got a little temper. Yeah.
Burt
All right, Max, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna put you on hold, and I'm gonna take some calls from Burt show listeners. Because if I put both of you guys on the voice disguiser, it just sounds really, really funky. Okay? So hold on. I'll come back to you.
Jack
I know what I'd do.
Burt
What would you do?
Jack
I would drag one of my friends that was there that night with me to go tell her.
Burt
You don't do that. That's jacked up. That's a great idea, though.
Jack
No, it's not jacked up because it's jacked up that the friends allowed that wrong name to be tattooed.
Burt
That's what I'm saying. That's the jacked up.
Jack
So that friends coming with me to go tell Kelly that I got the wrong tattoo.
Burt
That's a really great idea. You drag one of your buddies in. But explain as a woman, would that have any credibility with you at all? Or would it be just. You'd think that the guy was covering for you and being a good wingman.
Ryan
I might think he was a decoy.
Burt
Yeah.
Jack
Really?
Burt
Yeah.
Ryan
I don't know.
Caller/Guest
I think he got. I think he's gotta break up with her.
Burt
No, he doesn't.
Jack
They've been together for two years over a tattoo.
Caller/Guest
Okay, let's say you go out and get. Or Stacy goes out and gets wasted and she comes back with that tattoo of a guy she used to sleep with on her arm.
Burt
Yeah, I can't divorce her for that. Especially after circumstances where she was hammered and somebody set her up.
Caller/Guest
Oh, if she was. Whatever. Nobody set her up.
Jack
You would divorce Jessica if she did?
Caller/Guest
Absolutely. Without it.
Burt
Come on. You would not.
Caller/Guest
The truth. He's BSing us. If he thinks that we're gonna believe that he sat in there and his friends told him what name to put on the tattoo.
Burt
Yeah, that part doesn't make much sense to me, because the tattoo guy does ask you what you want, so.
Jack
That's a good point.
Burt
Good morning, Vanessa. You're on all the hits. Q100.
Vanessa
Good morning.
Burt
Good morning.
Vanessa
Five years ago, I was dating a person named Keith, and I had his name tattooed in the back of my neck. Thank God. So I have hair to cover it. But five years have passed and I already dated three other Keith, and I can't do it anymore.
Ryan
You keep dating the Same name guy.
Vanessa
But it's all. It was all. It was never on purpose. It just happened. I will show it to a guy, they'll go, oh, my God. That's my name. We're meant to be together.
Hers Advertiser
Anyway.
Burt
I know your name is Brad, but can I refer to you as Keith?
Caller/Guest
That's great.
Vanessa
Hey, if everything else fails. So anyway, I went back to Miami just a couple months ago to visit a friend, and his mom is a tattoo artist. The ones that does your lips and eyebrows and whatnot. She said that she will tattoo skin color ink into the name to match my skin color so that it will blend in because mine is like a banner and it has the name inside. So she was gonna tattoo the skin color that matches my skin color so that it would basically blend in with the skin and leave it so that I could tattoo any other name or character that I want in it. And she told me she was gonna do it for 100 bucks. I just haven't been back to Miami. But that's a good idea.
Burt
And how long. Do you know how long that whole procedure takes? Is that just like getting a regular tattoo?
Vanessa
It's just like. It's just like tattooing the name again, but with skin color. And instead of black or green or whatever the color is or whatever to get it on there.
If the skin color doesn't match perfectly, maybe I'll come back again one day and have it line it up. But if I put another name on top of it, then you can't say anything.
Ryan
I think if you put another name on top of it, you should stick to yours.
Vanessa
Yeah, I'm.
Caller/Guest
Your name.
Vanessa
Your name, the word, your name, your.
Jack
Name here, insert name here.
Hers Advertiser
Generic.
Jack
If anything else, we almost learned the lesson here is do not get somebody else's name tattooed on your face.
Burt
I never thought that's a good idea.
Jack
I had a. I mean, I knew a woman who got the person's face tattooed on her, so it's not just the name.
Burt
I mean, unless it's your kid. Like, I'm planning on getting Hayden's name.
Jack
Tattooed somewhere, but he will always be your son. But, I mean, yeah, that's just dumb to put somebody's name on your body.
Burt
Hey, Ashley, you're on all the hits. Q100.
Vanessa
The easiest. Granted, he does have to break it to Kelly, and he probably needs to be honest with her, but he can get it covered. And the easiest way to do it, in 30 days, depending on how big it is, he can walk into any tattoo studio and let her pick out what to cover it with.
Burt
I think the problem with this whole be honest with her thing is that much like Jeff, she's not going to buy this story. I think that's the problem.
Caller/Guest
I don't even think he's being honest with us. I don't think.
Burt
Let's get him back on and try to get it out of him. Hey Max, you. Are you being totally honest with us, man? Because everything we know about tattoo places, I mean, you gotta go in there and you gotta tell the guy what you want and you're telling us your friends did it for you and you never had any say in it at all.
Max
Well, I'm sure I must have said, oh yeah, sure, whatever. You know, like in a drunken haze, you know, we were talking all night about college and Amanda came up. So they must have had her at in their head, you know.
Caller/Guest
Okay, they must have. So you don't think about her at all anymore?
Jack
Yeah, yeah. That's my question is. Yeah. Is Amanda, does she have any, I mean, do you have any feelings for Amanda left?
Max
No.
Burt
When's the last time you talked to her?
Max
I haven't spoke to her in three years.
Burt
Okay, so it was well before you started going out with her, before the tattoo.
Caller/Guest
When's the last time you thought about her?
Max
About Amanda? Uh huh. I don't even remember the last time I thought about Amanda.
Burt
Right. Okay, hold on one second.
Hers Advertiser
Right.
Burt
Yeah. To a woman this is gonna be that he was subconsciously think thinking about his ex girlfriend, right?
Ryan
Oh yeah.
Burt
Oh yeah.
Ryan
Ryan came home with his ex girlfriend Tracy's name on his arm.
Burt
Hell no. Hell no.
Caller/Guest
You mean Tracy that skank from Gainesville with the nasty hair?
Burt
That's what I want written on your arm right there. Tracy, that skank with the nasty hair.
Jack
That's what he says is, you know what? I ran out of money and I couldn't get the rest of it on. That's what this is.
Burt
We're gonna take a couple more calls here, then we'll move on. Hey Debbie, you're on all the hits. Q100.
Vanessa
Hey, can I just tell you I am laughing my butt off. Come on, just tell the girlfriend she is going to laugh.
Ryan
Oh my God.
Caller/Guest
Are you out of your mind? No, she's not.
Vanessa
That's the funniest thing ever. He was drunk, he was stupid. His friends got a joke over on him. Let her enjoy the laugh too.
Ryan
You know what, I gotta take back this whole I was drunk excuse. I mean if you're that drunk not to remember what's going on. No tattoo artist on the planet is going to be able to tattoo your arm without you.
Hers Advertiser
Please.
Ryan
So give me a break. He wasn't that drunk. I mean, he might have been drunk, but you know what? He wasn't drunk enough not to remember. I hate that excuse.
Burt
And the girlfriend gets a good laugh at it if he comes back and he's got Bart Simpson on his back.
Caller/Guest
Right?
Burt
Okay, that's funny. You were so drunk. Bart Simpson. We'll get that taken off. But he got the name of an ex girlfriend on his back.
Caller/Guest
He's screwed.
Burt
Yeah. Morning. All the hits. Q100.
Caller/Guest
Good morning.
Max
Hey, dude. Max is done. I don't care what he does to his shoulder. He can have it removed. He can have it covered. I have a tattoo on my left arm that I had covered. It's not a name, but it was a symbol that represented. It doesn't matter. I know it's there. I don't care what he tells her. If he takes the whole group with him, it doesn't matter. She will say that they're covered up for him.
Burt
The only way, I think, to rectify this is to remove the shoulder entirely.
Caller/Guest
You gotta go surfing in Hawaii until a shark comes around.
Burt
Gotta surround yourself in blood, right?
Caller/Guest
Anybody have any chum? I need to get my arm taken off. He should just start calling Kelly Amanda. Like, just say, that'll work. You look like an Amanda to me.
Burt
Does she know that your ex girlfriend's name was Amanda?
Max
Oh, yeah.
Burt
You're so screwed, bro.
Caller/Guest
Hey, how. How quickly can you get to the Humane Society and get a dog named Amanda?
Burt
Yeah, man. I mean, usually we can come up with a couple of different, you know, ways for you to go and solve this, but maybe nobody's calling up with anything except you're screwed.
Max
How about that girl who called up and said she thought it was funny maybe I'd go out with her?
Burt
Yeah, she may be the only one in Atlanta still willing to go out with you after this. When are you gonna tell her?
Max
I don't know. I was listening, and maybe one of you said about bringing one of the friends around to tell her. You know, I thought that might be a good idea.
Burt
Well, the only thing that we're really interested in is you gotta call us and tell us right before you do it so we can check in with you a to make sure you're still alive and just to get people updated on the whole thing after you tell her.
Ryan
Absolutely.
Max
I guess I gotta tell her, huh?
Burt
Oh, you gotta tell her. Either that or Like Jeff said, you break up now, and she'll never know.
Caller/Guest
I think he's gonna.
Jack
You gotta be honest.
Caller/Guest
I think he's gotta break up with her.
Ryan
No, I think he's gotta tell you.
Burt
I say, for the interest of radio, you break up with.
Jack
No, that's not fair. Because he'll break up with Kelly and blame Kelly for the breakup, and it's his damn fault.
Caller/Guest
How disrespectful is it? Like, they don't have a good relationship.
Burt
What if he breaks up with her, then he finds out later on that it wouldn't have been a big deal to her.
Caller/Guest
It's. Are you kidding me?
Burt
What do you mean it's not a big deal?
Ryan
It'll be a huge deal.
Caller/Guest
No, I think if you want to. If you want to play this. My man. Here you go. Listen up. Here you go. You got to go straight at her and just go, look, I want you to see what's on my shoulder. And before you get mad, you want to know why it's there. This is a constant reminder of how much I hate Amanda and love you, baby.
Burt
Yeah, maybe you just got to add a couple of words to it, like.
Max
Amanda sucks or something.
Caller/Guest
Amanda broke my heart. Amanda sucks forever. Like, have those little. Like when you're. Like, you know when your teacher used to proofread your essays or whatever, and they would put that little thing, that little arrow, and write the word above it. If you left the word out, just put sucks in there.
Burt
Hey, Max, you gotta give us a call back and let us know right before you're about to tell her. Okay?
Max
I'm definitely gonna tell her.
Burt
Okay, man.
Max
All right, thanks, guys.
Burt
See you later.
Caller/Guest
Traffic with the Burt show on all the hits. Q100.
Burt
Oh, but I'd love to be a fly on the wall in that room.
Caller/Guest
If he could handle the pain. How about write something like, amanda can never compare to the love that I have for Kelly. Yeah, a little pa, but, you know.
Burt
But he keeps the girlfriend.
Max
Yeah.
Hers Advertiser
There you go.
Burt
The Birch Show.
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Paige Desorbo
So good, so good, so good.
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Paige Desorbo
Desorbo from Giggly Squad. You ever stand in front of your closet and just say I have nothing to wear while you're literally surrounded by clothes? Because same so I started listing pieces. I'm over on Depop and honestly, it's been amazing. You can sell what you're done with with and someone out there will love it. And the best part about it is there's no seller fee, so the money you make actually stays in your pocket, which feels very chic. It's also insanely easy. I listed something while watching TV and it sold before the episode even ended. So download the Depop app and list your first item today because your old outfit could be someone else's new favorite. Depop where taste recognizes taste. Payment processing fees boosting fees still apply. For more info, visit depop.com.
Host: Bert & The Bert Show Cast
Episode Date: December 9, 2025
This episode centers on a hilarious, cringe-inducing, and very real problem faced by a listener, Max, who drunkenly got a large tattoo of his ex-girlfriend’s name (“Amanda”) on his back—despite currently being in a committed two-year relationship with his girlfriend, Kelly. The Bert Show crew and callers dig into how this could have happened, what Max should do next, and whether there's any way to save his relationship (and dignity).
Max’s Confession:
How Did This Even Happen?
Hiding the Tattoo from Kelly:
Break Up Now or Face the Music?
Bring a Friend as a Witness:
Can He Cover It Up?
Plausibility of the Story:
Own Up with Humor or Sincerity?
This episode is a perfect blend of humor, disaster, and relatable bad decisions, with the Bert Show cast and listeners contributing both practical and outlandish advice on what to do when you get an ex’s name tattooed on your body. The consensus is clear: be honest (eventually), don’t rely on “I was drunk” as an excuse, and never, ever get someone’s name—especially an ex—tattooed on you. Max’s fate with Kelly? To be continued, as he promises to call back after revealing the tattoo.