Vault: He Got The Wrong Name Tattooed On His Back

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Bert Show – Vault: He Got The Wrong Name Tattooed On His Back

Host: Bert & The Bert Show Cast
Episode Date: December 9, 2025

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Overview

This episode centers on a hilarious, cringe-inducing, and very real problem faced by a listener, Max, who drunkenly got a large tattoo of his ex-girlfriend’s name (“Amanda”) on his back—despite currently being in a committed two-year relationship with his girlfriend, Kelly. The Bert Show crew and callers dig into how this could have happened, what Max should do next, and whether there's any way to save his relationship (and dignity).

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Situation: Max’s Tattoo Mishap

• Max’s Confession:

  • Max calls in using a voice disguiser to seek advice (01:50; main story starts).
  • He explains that after a night of heavy drinking with old friends celebrating a divorce, he woke up with a large heart tattoo with the name “Amanda”—his high school sweetheart—on his shoulder.
  • Problem: His current girlfriend of two years is named Kelly.

• How Did This Even Happen?

  • Max’s memory is fuzzy; he believes his friends prompted the tattoo artist with Amanda’s name (“I think they did”—Max, 03:41).
  • The crew questions the plausibility: tattoo shops often don’t tattoo people who are clearly intoxicated, and the client must confirm the design.
    • “Tattoo parlors usually try not to allow people who are that intoxicated from getting a tattoo.” —Jack (04:25)
    • “Yeah, that part doesn’t make much sense to me, because the tattoo guy does ask you what you want.” —Burt (07:54)

• Hiding the Tattoo from Kelly:

  • Max tells Kelly he has a bad bruise on his arm to avoid showing the tattoo.
  • “The good news is she’s not smart. So we got that going for us.” —Max, joking about hiding it (05:35)

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Options: Advice from the Crew and Callers

Should Max Break Up? Come Clean? Cover It Up?

• Break Up Now or Face the Music?

  • Some insist he’s “screwed” and should just break up (14:47).
  • Others argue he must be honest instead of running away (14:46).
    • “You gotta be honest.” —Jack (14:46)

• Bring a Friend as a Witness:

  • Jack suggests Max should take one of the friends responsible with him to break the news to Kelly, sharing the blame.
    • “That friend’s coming with me to go tell Kelly that I got the wrong tattoo.” —Jack (06:57)
  • Ryan and Burt question whether this would seem credible or just like a set-up (07:12).

• Can He Cover It Up?

  • Vanessa, a caller, shares her story of having an ex’s name covered with skin-colored ink (08:03), suggesting Max do the same and even let Kelly choose the cover tattoo (10:15).
    • “Let her pick out what to cover it with.” —Ashley, caller (10:31)

• Plausibility of the Story:

  • The panel and callers cast doubt on the “so drunk I didn’t know” angle.
    • “If you’re that drunk not to remember what’s going on, no tattoo artist on the planet is going to be able to tattoo your arm without you.” —Ryan (12:25)

• Own Up with Humor or Sincerity?

  • Some suggest turning it into a joke; others think Kelly will never believe it was a prank or honest mistake (12:05, 14:08).
    • “That’s the funniest thing ever. He was drunk, he was stupid. His friends got a joke over on him. Let her enjoy the laugh too.” —Vanessa, caller (12:05)

Relationship Dynamics

• The ex’s name is known to Kelly—she will recognize it. Max concedes this (13:45).
• The cast discusses how having an ex’s name on your body is a relationship landmine no matter the story.
• Possible (tongue-in-cheek) suggestions include adopting a dog named Amanda or adding to the tattoo: “Amanda Sucks” (13:50, 15:26).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “It’s a nice big heart, underneath it nice engraved Amanda, always… my girlfriend’s name is Kelly.” —Max, 02:56
• “How have you hid that from her?” —Burt
  “I told her I hit my arm and I had a really bad black and blue.” —Max, 05:23
• “I would drag one of my friends that was there that night with me to go tell her.” —Jack, 06:46
• “Do not get somebody else’s name tattooed on your face.” —Jack, 09:52
• “You know what? I ran out of money and I couldn’t get the rest of it on. That’s what this is.” —Jack (joking about how to spin the tattoo), 11:55
• “The only way, I think, to rectify this is to remove the shoulder entirely.” —Burt, 13:24
• “You gotta go straight at her and just go, look, I want you to see what’s on my shoulder. And before you get mad, you want to know why it’s there. This is a constant reminder of how much I hate Amanda and love you, baby.” —Caller/Guest, 15:08
• “Hey, Max, you gotta give us a call back and let us know right before you’re about to tell her. Okay?” —Burt, 15:45
• “Amanda sucks or something.” —Max, 15:29

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:50] Max introduces his problem; tattoo reveal
• [02:54] Max admits name is not his girlfriend's
• [03:46] Panel reacts: ex-girlfriend’s name, not just the wrong name
• [04:25] Tattoo shop protocols and doubts on Max's story
• [05:23] Max describes his attempt to hide tattoo from Kelly
• [06:45] Advice segment begins: drag a friend in
• [08:03] Vanessa (caller) shares her “Keith” tattoo solution
• [10:15] More advice: let Kelly pick the cover-up
• [12:05] Another caller says just tell her, maybe she’ll laugh
• [13:24] “Remove the shoulder entirely”—hyperbolic advice
• [14:08] Consensus: “you’re screwed”—no good solution
• [15:08] Plan: Frame the tattoo as a statement about hating Amanda/loving Kelly
• [15:49] Wrap-up: Max agrees to come clean and update the show

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Conclusion

This episode is a perfect blend of humor, disaster, and relatable bad decisions, with the Bert Show cast and listeners contributing both practical and outlandish advice on what to do when you get an ex’s name tattooed on your body. The consensus is clear: be honest (eventually), don’t rely on “I was drunk” as an excuse, and never, ever get someone’s name—especially an ex—tattooed on you. Max’s fate with Kelly? To be continued, as he promises to call back after revealing the tattoo.

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Transcript

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[Burt]

The Birch show all right, voice disguiser on. We are going to call virtual listener Max. Good morning. Hey, how are you today?

[Max]

Okay.

[Vanessa]

How you doing?

[Burt]

Good, how are you?

[Max]

Well, I got a little problem.

[Burt]

Yeah, go ahead and relay your problem and then hopefully we can have some Birch show listeners give us a call up and try to give you some advice on how to get this thing reversed, man. Because you are In a world of trouble right now.

[Max]

Yes, I am.

Me and my girl's been going out for about almost two years. We have a really good relationship. And I was out recently with some old college friends. We were having a big party, celebrating. One of my old friends got a divorce. We were having a big party for that, and, well, you know, we tied one on pretty well and we went out and partied. Well, apparently, I. I got a tattoo while I was.

[Burt]

Well, I mean, not apparently. I mean, you should be able to tell if you got a tattoo.

[Max]

I don't remember exactly, but I got one.

[Caller/Guest]

It's there now, and it wasn't the.

[Burt]

Day before, so apparently, there you go.

[Max]

It's nice. It's a nice. It's a heart on my shoulder, you know, a nice big heart underneath it. Nice engraved Amanda. Always, you know. Well, the problem is my girlfriend's name is Kelly.

[Paige Desorbo]

Oh, God.

[Jack]

Now, do you know an Amanda, or is that.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Jack]

Oh, no. So this is a woman, you know?

[Max]

No. Well, it's a woman I knew. It was my high school sweetheart and a couple of years of college. It was a pretty heavy thing. All these guys remember me from when, you know, Amanda was everything. So I don't know how one thing led to another, but.

[Ryan]

So do you think that you told the tattoo artist to put Amanda, or do you think that your buddies told the tattoo artist to put Amanda?

[Max]

I think they did.

[Jack]

That's me.

[Burt]

That's Jack.

[Caller/Guest]

That's awesome.

[Jack]

I mean, it's not. I mean, not only is it the wrong woman's name, but it is an ex girlfriend. I mean, that complicates things.

[Max]

Oh, yeah.

[Burt]

So wait, how does this whole thing work? Because when I went to go get my tattoo, I mean, as soon as I walked into that little room, I'm there all by myself, and I tell them what I want on my arm. So these guys told them what to put on, and you didn't have anything to say about it?

[Max]

Yeah, I don't remember. I don't remember ever being alone. I remember a whole mess of us at the tattoo place, and everyone's sort of standing around while the guy was doing it. You know, they were kind of giving me shots while the guy was doing it, so I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm have to break up with Kelly or not.

[Jack]

Yeah, I'm surprised because I, you know, I have a little tattoo myself, and you're not supposed. I mean, like, tattoo parlors usually try not to allow people who are that Intoxicated from getting a tattoo.

[Burt]

They turned me down. Me and my buddy John. Same situation you were in. My buddy John, who I've known since, like, the sixth grade, he came to visit me in Dallas, and we're like, hey, you know what, dude? We're gonna go out. We're gonna get the same arm, man. Let's go. We were hammered, and we walk into the tattoo place, and the guy says, you may be able to get a crappy tattoo down there that drunk, but if I do it, I am an artist, and you're so drunk that your blood thins out. And it would make the tattoo look all skanky, so he wouldn't do it. So we had to go back the next day.

[Max]

We were about. We were well out of Atlanta, and from what I remember, one of my of the friends knew the tattoo guy. I think that's probably why it was. It was. You know, we were drinking there and everything.

[Jack]

I see.

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[Burt]

So your friends go in there and set you up. Man, that's jacked up. So your girlfriend hasn't seen a tattoo yet? Obviously.

[Max]

No.

[Burt]

How have you hid that from her?

[Max]

I told her I hit my arm and I had a really bad black and blue, so I didn't want her to see it.

[Ryan]

Oh, no.

[Max]

But I figured, well, the good news.

[Burt]

Is she's not smart.

[Max]

So we got that going for us. She'll be clearing up. She's probably wondering already.

[Caller/Guest]

All right.

[Burt]

Oh, man. So what's your question?

[Max]

Well, I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to break up with her. I don't want to, you know, I'm not sure how to show it to her without ending everything, you know?

[Ryan]

So you're not going to have it removed?

[Max]

Well, yeah, I can't have it removed just yet. I think it has to. You can't have it removed? Like, until, like, two weeks or something after you got it.

[Caller/Guest]

And removing a tattoo takes a year? Yeah.

[Burt]

Does it really?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. Like, you have to laser it, and you have to go in for, like, 10 treatments.

[Burt]

I didn't know that. I don't know what the whole procedure was.

[Max]

I didn't know that.

[Ryan]

Now does your stuff.

[Jack]

Max is now mad.

[Burt]

Yeah, you should have been mad last week when you got the tattoo. It's time to do a little research, my friend.

[Ryan]

Does your girlfriend Kelly have the kind of temper. Cause you just said, like, I don't know if I should break up with her. Like, are you afraid that as soon as she sees this, she's gonna Break up with you immediately.

[Max]

I'm afraid she's gonna kill me.

[Burt]

He's not breaking up. He's gotta work.

[Max]

He's got a little temper. Yeah.

[Burt]

All right, Max, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna put you on hold, and I'm gonna take some calls from Burt show listeners. Because if I put both of you guys on the voice disguiser, it just sounds really, really funky. Okay? So hold on. I'll come back to you.

[Jack]

I know what I'd do.

[Burt]

What would you do?

[Jack]

I would drag one of my friends that was there that night with me to go tell her.

[Burt]

You don't do that. That's jacked up. That's a great idea, though.

[Jack]

No, it's not jacked up because it's jacked up that the friends allowed that wrong name to be tattooed.

[Burt]

That's what I'm saying. That's the jacked up.

[Jack]

So that friends coming with me to go tell Kelly that I got the wrong tattoo.

[Burt]

That's a really great idea. You drag one of your buddies in. But explain as a woman, would that have any credibility with you at all? Or would it be just. You'd think that the guy was covering for you and being a good wingman.

[Ryan]

I might think he was a decoy.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Jack]

Really?

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Ryan]

I don't know.

[Caller/Guest]

I think he got. I think he's gotta break up with her.

[Burt]

No, he doesn't.

[Jack]

They've been together for two years over a tattoo.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay, let's say you go out and get. Or Stacy goes out and gets wasted and she comes back with that tattoo of a guy she used to sleep with on her arm.

[Burt]

Yeah, I can't divorce her for that. Especially after circumstances where she was hammered and somebody set her up.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, if she was. Whatever. Nobody set her up.

[Jack]

You would divorce Jessica if she did?

[Caller/Guest]

Absolutely. Without it.

[Burt]

Come on. You would not.

[Caller/Guest]

The truth. He's BSing us. If he thinks that we're gonna believe that he sat in there and his friends told him what name to put on the tattoo.

[Burt]

Yeah, that part doesn't make much sense to me, because the tattoo guy does ask you what you want, so.

[Jack]

That's a good point.

[Burt]

Good morning, Vanessa. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[Vanessa]

Good morning.

[Burt]

Good morning.

[Vanessa]

Five years ago, I was dating a person named Keith, and I had his name tattooed in the back of my neck. Thank God. So I have hair to cover it. But five years have passed and I already dated three other Keith, and I can't do it anymore.

[Ryan]

You keep dating the Same name guy.

[Vanessa]

But it's all. It was all. It was never on purpose. It just happened. I will show it to a guy, they'll go, oh, my God. That's my name. We're meant to be together.

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[Burt]

I know your name is Brad, but can I refer to you as Keith?

[Caller/Guest]

That's great.

[Vanessa]

Hey, if everything else fails. So anyway, I went back to Miami just a couple months ago to visit a friend, and his mom is a tattoo artist. The ones that does your lips and eyebrows and whatnot. She said that she will tattoo skin color ink into the name to match my skin color so that it will blend in because mine is like a banner and it has the name inside. So she was gonna tattoo the skin color that matches my skin color so that it would basically blend in with the skin and leave it so that I could tattoo any other name or character that I want in it. And she told me she was gonna do it for 100 bucks. I just haven't been back to Miami. But that's a good idea.

[Burt]

And how long. Do you know how long that whole procedure takes? Is that just like getting a regular tattoo?

[Vanessa]

It's just like. It's just like tattooing the name again, but with skin color. And instead of black or green or whatever the color is or whatever to get it on there.

If the skin color doesn't match perfectly, maybe I'll come back again one day and have it line it up. But if I put another name on top of it, then you can't say anything.

[Ryan]

I think if you put another name on top of it, you should stick to yours.

[Vanessa]

Yeah, I'm.

[Caller/Guest]

Your name.

[Vanessa]

Your name, the word, your name, your.

[Jack]

Name here, insert name here.

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Generic.

[Jack]

If anything else, we almost learned the lesson here is do not get somebody else's name tattooed on your face.

[Burt]

I never thought that's a good idea.

[Jack]

I had a. I mean, I knew a woman who got the person's face tattooed on her, so it's not just the name.

[Burt]

I mean, unless it's your kid. Like, I'm planning on getting Hayden's name.

[Jack]

Tattooed somewhere, but he will always be your son. But, I mean, yeah, that's just dumb to put somebody's name on your body.

[Burt]

Hey, Ashley, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Vanessa]

The easiest. Granted, he does have to break it to Kelly, and he probably needs to be honest with her, but he can get it covered. And the easiest way to do it, in 30 days, depending on how big it is, he can walk into any tattoo studio and let her pick out what to cover it with.

[Burt]

I think the problem with this whole be honest with her thing is that much like Jeff, she's not going to buy this story. I think that's the problem.

[Caller/Guest]

I don't even think he's being honest with us. I don't think.

[Burt]

Let's get him back on and try to get it out of him. Hey Max, you. Are you being totally honest with us, man? Because everything we know about tattoo places, I mean, you gotta go in there and you gotta tell the guy what you want and you're telling us your friends did it for you and you never had any say in it at all.

[Max]

Well, I'm sure I must have said, oh yeah, sure, whatever. You know, like in a drunken haze, you know, we were talking all night about college and Amanda came up. So they must have had her at in their head, you know.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay, they must have. So you don't think about her at all anymore?

[Jack]

Yeah, yeah. That's my question is. Yeah. Is Amanda, does she have any, I mean, do you have any feelings for Amanda left?

[Max]

No.

[Burt]

When's the last time you talked to her?

[Max]

I haven't spoke to her in three years.

[Burt]

Okay, so it was well before you started going out with her, before the tattoo.

[Caller/Guest]

When's the last time you thought about her?

[Max]

About Amanda? Uh huh. I don't even remember the last time I thought about Amanda.

[Burt]

Right. Okay, hold on one second.

[Hers Advertiser]

Right.

[Burt]

Yeah. To a woman this is gonna be that he was subconsciously think thinking about his ex girlfriend, right?

[Ryan]

Oh yeah.

[Burt]

Oh yeah.

[Ryan]

Ryan came home with his ex girlfriend Tracy's name on his arm.

[Burt]

Hell no. Hell no.

[Caller/Guest]

You mean Tracy that skank from Gainesville with the nasty hair?

[Burt]

That's what I want written on your arm right there. Tracy, that skank with the nasty hair.

[Jack]

That's what he says is, you know what? I ran out of money and I couldn't get the rest of it on. That's what this is.

[Burt]

We're gonna take a couple more calls here, then we'll move on. Hey Debbie, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Vanessa]

Hey, can I just tell you I am laughing my butt off. Come on, just tell the girlfriend she is going to laugh.

[Ryan]

Oh my God.

[Caller/Guest]

Are you out of your mind? No, she's not.

[Vanessa]

That's the funniest thing ever. He was drunk, he was stupid. His friends got a joke over on him. Let her enjoy the laugh too.

[Ryan]

You know what, I gotta take back this whole I was drunk excuse. I mean if you're that drunk not to remember what's going on. No tattoo artist on the planet is going to be able to tattoo your arm without you.

[Hers Advertiser]

Please.

[Ryan]

So give me a break. He wasn't that drunk. I mean, he might have been drunk, but you know what? He wasn't drunk enough not to remember. I hate that excuse.

[Burt]

And the girlfriend gets a good laugh at it if he comes back and he's got Bart Simpson on his back.

[Caller/Guest]

Right?

[Burt]

Okay, that's funny. You were so drunk. Bart Simpson. We'll get that taken off. But he got the name of an ex girlfriend on his back.

[Caller/Guest]

He's screwed.

[Burt]

Yeah. Morning. All the hits. Q100.

[Caller/Guest]

Good morning.

[Max]

Hey, dude. Max is done. I don't care what he does to his shoulder. He can have it removed. He can have it covered. I have a tattoo on my left arm that I had covered. It's not a name, but it was a symbol that represented. It doesn't matter. I know it's there. I don't care what he tells her. If he takes the whole group with him, it doesn't matter. She will say that they're covered up for him.

[Burt]

The only way, I think, to rectify this is to remove the shoulder entirely.

[Caller/Guest]

You gotta go surfing in Hawaii until a shark comes around.

[Burt]

Gotta surround yourself in blood, right?

[Caller/Guest]

Anybody have any chum? I need to get my arm taken off. He should just start calling Kelly Amanda. Like, just say, that'll work. You look like an Amanda to me.

[Burt]

Does she know that your ex girlfriend's name was Amanda?

[Max]

Oh, yeah.

[Burt]

You're so screwed, bro.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey, how. How quickly can you get to the Humane Society and get a dog named Amanda?

[Burt]

Yeah, man. I mean, usually we can come up with a couple of different, you know, ways for you to go and solve this, but maybe nobody's calling up with anything except you're screwed.

[Max]

How about that girl who called up and said she thought it was funny maybe I'd go out with her?

[Burt]

Yeah, she may be the only one in Atlanta still willing to go out with you after this. When are you gonna tell her?

[Max]

I don't know. I was listening, and maybe one of you said about bringing one of the friends around to tell her. You know, I thought that might be a good idea.

[Burt]

Well, the only thing that we're really interested in is you gotta call us and tell us right before you do it so we can check in with you a to make sure you're still alive and just to get people updated on the whole thing after you tell her.

[Ryan]

Absolutely.

[Max]

I guess I gotta tell her, huh?

[Burt]

Oh, you gotta tell her. Either that or Like Jeff said, you break up now, and she'll never know.

[Caller/Guest]

I think he's gonna.

[Jack]

You gotta be honest.

[Caller/Guest]

I think he's gotta break up with her.

[Ryan]

No, I think he's gotta tell you.

[Burt]

I say, for the interest of radio, you break up with.

[Jack]

No, that's not fair. Because he'll break up with Kelly and blame Kelly for the breakup, and it's his damn fault.

[Caller/Guest]

How disrespectful is it? Like, they don't have a good relationship.

[Burt]

What if he breaks up with her, then he finds out later on that it wouldn't have been a big deal to her.

[Caller/Guest]

It's. Are you kidding me?

[Burt]

What do you mean it's not a big deal?

[Ryan]

It'll be a huge deal.

[Caller/Guest]

No, I think if you want to. If you want to play this. My man. Here you go. Listen up. Here you go. You got to go straight at her and just go, look, I want you to see what's on my shoulder. And before you get mad, you want to know why it's there. This is a constant reminder of how much I hate Amanda and love you, baby.

[Burt]

Yeah, maybe you just got to add a couple of words to it, like.

[Max]

Amanda sucks or something.

[Caller/Guest]

Amanda broke my heart. Amanda sucks forever. Like, have those little. Like when you're. Like, you know when your teacher used to proofread your essays or whatever, and they would put that little thing, that little arrow, and write the word above it. If you left the word out, just put sucks in there.

[Burt]

Hey, Max, you gotta give us a call back and let us know right before you're about to tell her. Okay?

[Max]

I'm definitely gonna tell her.

[Burt]

Okay, man.

[Max]

All right, thanks, guys.

[Burt]

See you later.

[Caller/Guest]

Traffic with the Burt show on all the hits. Q100.

[Burt]

Oh, but I'd love to be a fly on the wall in that room.

[Caller/Guest]

If he could handle the pain. How about write something like, amanda can never compare to the love that I have for Kelly. Yeah, a little pa, but, you know.

[Burt]

But he keeps the girlfriend.

[Max]

Yeah.

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[Burt]

The Birch Show.

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[Paige Desorbo]

Desorbo from Giggly Squad. You ever stand in front of your closet and just say I have nothing to wear while you're literally surrounded by clothes? Because same so I started listing pieces. I'm over on Depop and honestly, it's been amazing. You can sell what you're done with with and someone out there will love it. And the best part about it is there's no seller fee, so the money you make actually stays in your pocket, which feels very chic. It's also insanely easy. I listed something while watching TV and it sold before the episode even ended. So download the Depop app and list your first item today because your old outfit could be someone else's new favorite. Depop where taste recognizes taste. Payment processing fees boosting fees still apply. For more info, visit depop.com.