The Bert Show – Vault: He Needs To Fix His Snoring Problem

Date: December 26, 2025
Host: The Bert Show Cast (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and others)
Main Theme:
Bert shares a hilarious and relatable story about his best friend John's extreme snoring problem, with the cast and listeners chiming in about the impact of snoring on relationships, practical remedies, and medical solutions.

Episode Overview

This episode dives into the chaos caused by chronic, thunderous snoring and how it affects not just the snorer, but everyone in earshot. With Bert candidly recounting his lifelong suffering as a roommate to a notorious snorer, the topic quickly pivots to the broader challenges, emotional toll, and attempted solutions faced by spouses of loud snorers everywhere. The segment is peppered with real listener calls, plenty of laughs, and a few moments of genuine disgust as Bert plays a recording of his friend's infamous snores.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bert’s Personal Snoring Nightmare

[02:50] Bert recounts his decades-long friendship with John, who is infamous for his unbelievably loud snoring—a problem that tormented Bert through college and continues to plague John's family.
- Bert:
"The thing that drove me crazy more than anything else about John is he has got about the worst snoring problem of anybody I had ever heard." (03:30)
The cast commiserates about the specific rage induced by waking up to someone else's snoring, especially knowing the snorer themself is resting blissfully.

2. Drunk Snoring vs. Sober Snoring

[06:45] Bert explains that after a night of drinking, John’s snoring hits seismic levels—a phenomenon even worse than his usual night (the “thundering train” effect).
- Kristin:
"The Polar Express is in your living room." (06:57)
The snoring is so loud, neighbors might suspect a home invasion or a supernatural event.

3. The Family’s Coping Strategies

John’s wife spent the first year of marriage sleeping separately because she couldn’t handle the noise, resorting to Breathe Right strips with limited success.
- Bert:
"The first year that they were married, they spent the night in separate rooms because she didn't know how to handle the snoring." (09:34)

4. Playing the Actual Snoring Audio

[10:16] Bert plays a real recording of John’s snoring, which triggers visceral reactions from the cast:
- "It sounds like a sick cat. Like the exorcist." (Kristin, 10:40)
- "If I heard that in my house, I would get a bat. I would tell Jessica to call 911 and get in the closet." (Bert, 11:35)
- "It's like somebody's cutting the throat of a kangaroo." (Cassie, 12:15)
The cast jokes about extreme (and possibly deal-breaking) measures they would take if they had to live with a snorer like John.

5. Listeners Share Their Snoring Horror Stories

[13:30] Joy calls in, explaining her “revenge” method: recording her husband’s snoring and playing it back in his ear to wake him.
- Joy:
"Now every time he snores and wakes me up, I have to get up out of bed and I go push play and put it right in his ear and wake him up." (13:47)
- She highlights the anger and sleep deprivation this causes, but acknowledges retaliation isn’t a solution.

6. Real Solutions: Medical Intervention

[15:15] Ricky calls and shares that her ex-husband was diagnosed with sleep apnea after a sleep study. He was given a CPAP machine, which made sleeping together possible.
- Ricky:
"They put a CPAP machine which forces air down your throat... and that would help her be able to sleep with him." (15:59)
- Bert, joking:
"I certainly understand why he's your ex husband for sure." (16:43)
Theresa (an ENT clinic worker) explains that you can't get a CPAP machine in the mail and that John may need to see a doctor or possibly get surgery.
- Theresa:
"He's got a serious medical problem and he needs to see an ear, nose, and throat doctor." (17:13)
- The cast is shocked John has never seen a doctor, considering the severity.

7. Candid & Comedic Reactions

Cast and callers alternately express disgust, humor, and exasperation:
- "Could y’all stop playing that? It’s making me gag." (Caller Makita, 18:50)
- "He's gonna lose a kid, cause he's gonna suck a kid right up in there!" (Cast, riotous laughter, 19:10)
The consensus is clear: extreme snoring may require medical attention and puts a genuine strain on relationships.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

"That is not doctored or edited in any way. Unbelievable."
— Bert, [11:20]
"I can actually see living in separate apartments because you're so in love with the guy and he's so right for you in every way—except he's got this..."
— Kristin, [12:30]
"That's a dog. That's an animal. That's my boy."
— Bert (on the snoring recording), [13:10]
"No, no, no. Yeah, don’t do a pap smear on him—CPAP!”
— Kristin, after confusion about the CPAP machine, [19:45]

Timestamps for Important Segments

[02:50] – Bert describes his decades-long friendship and the snoring nightmare
[06:45] – Nightmarish Saturday night: drunk snoring strikes
[10:16] – Playing actual snoring audio—cast reactions
[13:30] – Listener Joy’s snoring retaliation method
[15:15] – Sleep apnea and CPAP discussion with Ricky
[17:13] – ENT nurse Theresa explains medical routes
[18:50] – Listener reactions, cast disgust; medical consensus

Summary Takeaways

Chronic, loud snoring isn’t just a punchline—it wreaks havoc on marriages, sleep, and even family peace.
Recording and confronting the snorer (sometimes with a sense of humor) is a minor relief, but real solutions usually require medical intervention.
A CPAP machine and seeing an ENT specialist are the most cited remedies—and can be relationship savers.
The cast’s comedic and over-the-top reactions highlight both the absurdity and real-life frustration of sharing a home with an epic snorer.

Final Thought

If you or your loved one snores so badly it wakes the house (or scares the dog!), the episode’s advice is unanimous: see a doctor. Both your relationship—and your sanity—may depend on it.

Transcript

A (0:00)

Guys, thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree. Zoey, this thing weighs a ton. Drew Ski, lift with your legs, man. Santa. Santa, did you get my letter? He's talking to you britches. I'm not. Of course he did. Right, Santa, you know my elf, Drew Ski here. He handles the nice list. And elf, I'm six' three. What everyone wants is iPhone 17 and at T Mobile, you can get it on them. That center stage front camera is amazing for group selfies, right, Mrs. Claus? I'm Mrs. Claus much younger sister. And AT T Mobile, there's no trade in needed when you switch. So you can keep your old phone or give it as a gift. And the best part, you can make the switch to T mobile from your phone in just 15 minutes. Nice. My side of the tree is slipping. Kimber, the holidays are better. AT T Mobile, switch in just 15 minutes and get iPhone 17 on us with no trade in needed. 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So I gotta tell you guys quickly about my my Saturday night before I play 40 seconds of either the funniest audio you'll ever hear or the most repulsive audio you will ever hear. And here's how I start this out. All right? I told you guys my best friend John was coming in over the weekend for my son Hayden's dedication to the church. Okay? He's been my best friend. I truly consider this guy my brother. He is family. So John and I went to college together also. We went to elementary school, high school. We were college roommates. Also, the thing that drove me crazy more than anything else about John is he has got about the worst snoring problem of Anybody I had ever heard. That sucks. It was awful. I mean, for three years there, I couldn't sleep. I was constantly kicking him because our room, our dorm room, was so small that his head was practically up to where mine was and he was snoring so loud, I'd have to. I'd wake up in the middle of the night, I'd kick him. I'd try to turn him over anything I could to get him to shut up. That is so annoying. So annoying. There's nothing worse than waking up to somebody else snoring because you're furious that they are getting great sleep, right? Whenever I have. If I even. Jessica can always tell when I'm getting sick before I get sick because I snore. And she gets mad at me for that. I'm like, you can't get mad at me. I'm asleep. She's like, that's why I'm mad, because you're sound asleep and. And there's a truck driving through our room and you don't know it. And I'm like, I'm sick. Of course. So I forgot how bad the snoring problem was until Saturday night where Johnny and I and my family go out to vision on Saturday night. We get our drink on pretty good. And we get home, I guess, about 4 in the morning. And we're raiding the refrigerator and everything. And we finally turn on SportsCenter, ESPN about 3:34 in the morning. And we both sit on the couch. All right. And this is so routine, you know, you come home drunk, you eat and then you crash on the couch until something so loud wakes you up on television. Then you go up to your room, right? So I doze off before John does. And I am awakened by a. Like you said, a thundering train running through my house. The Polar Express is in your living room. It felt like I was gonna get phone calls from all the neighbors because the sound was so bad. And drunk snoring is always, I thought, worse than sober snoring. So again, I'm flashing all back to college because it's just this awful, awful sound. But I forgot how bad it was. So on Sunday, he flies out and Monday I call him and his wife and I was relaying the story back to her. I'm like, my God, how do you live with this? It's awful. And I think I've told you guys this before. Like, the first year that they were married, they spent the night in separate rooms because she didn't know how to handle the snoring. Finally got Some breathe right, those breathe right strips. And it started to get a little bit better. But she said the first year that we were married, I couldn't take. I just couldn't take it. So we spent the first year away from each other. So as we were talking about it, I asked her, because this is a daily thing. Every night John snores. Every night. I asked her if she would record it and then have John mp3 it to me. And she said she would only do it if I could ask listeners what they've done in the same situation, how they got their husbands to stop snoring so badly. So I said, fine, I'll do it. Just send me it because it was so bad. So it worked out perfectly because I guess Monday night John goes out to happy hour with some of his friends. So he gets home and he's pretty buzzed. So we got drunk. Snoring John, not sober, snoring John. And are you ready for this? So same situation happens to him, I guess, on Monday night he goes home, he's all buzzed. He falls asleep in front of the television and he starts snoring. She records it and he reluctantly but sends me the MP3 of this yesterday. Are you ready for this? Oh God. Okay. Oh God. Okay. This is not doctored. This is not doctored in any way, shape or form. She doesn't know how to edit. That's who's haunting the house in Douglasville. It gets way worse than that. Oh my God. Sounds like a sick cat. Like the exorcist. Oh my God. Oh my God. She still married him. She married. They have two kids. The kids complain. The kids complain cuz they can't sleep at night cuz of that. Cuz I used to hear my father snoring at from down the hall in his bedroom. But no, no, no. This guy. That's the worst I've ever heard. If I heard that in my house, I would get a bat. I would get a bat. I would tell Jessica to call 911 and get in the closet. And I would go looking. Oh my God. 404-741-1005. Now you understand why for a year she's like, I can't sleep in the same room as you. Now he's in the guest room for a year and still waking her up because he's so loud. I wish for 20,001. What is that? Oh God. It's like somebody's cutting the throat of a kangaroo. It sounds like an animal, like a dying animal. Oh my God. That is awful. I Can't believe she knew that and she still married him. That'd be a deal breaker in my world. That would be a deal breaker. Like, I am so in love with you, but I am never, ever, ever going to marry you if you snore like that. I can actually see living in separate apartments because you're so in love with the guy and he's so right for you in every way. Except he's got this in different states. Yeah. Two homes. Unreal. Two home household. That is not doctored. That is not doctored or edited in any way. Unbelievable. Good morning, Joy. You are on the Bird Show. Hi. My husband sounds just like that and worse sometimes. So what I've done is I've recorded him in the middle of the night when he's snoring like that. So now every time he snores and wakes me up, I have to get up out of bed and I go push play and put it right in his ear and wake him up. Oh, you're kidding. And that's what I do. So exhausting. But that'd be like an every night thing. Like, I mean, it is, but it's. I, I, it makes me so mad. I've got, I've been with him for six years. It makes me furious because he's sleeping. Why? Snoring loud. Any room he goes into, I can hear him. So why are you mad? You can't get mad at him. Well, I mean, you can't get mad, but, well, it's upsetting when every night you don't get to sleep. He's sleeping and snoring and waking up the house. You get that sleep deprivation thing going on, you just snap. But I think she needs some practical advice because I think being retaliation is not what we're looking for. It's not what we're looking for, you know, But I do understand the anger. Those breathe right strips seem to help for a little while, but I don't know, he's worked his way around those. How many does he have on his nose at the time to fix that? Unbelievable. That ain't coming from the nose. Oh, my God. That is awful. That's a dog. That's an animal. That's my boy. Oh, my God. Good morning, Bridget. Is this Bridget? No. Who is this? Ricky. What's going on? Not much. I was just calling because I was married to a snorer for 13 years and he had sleep studies done and he had sleep apnea and they put a CPAP machine which forces air down your throat that he can Sleep with. And that would help her be able to sleep with him. Now, I thought sleep apnea was when you stop breathing. When you. It is. But this is a tube that you sleep with. It looks like a mask. It forces air down your throat so that you can breathe easier. So you have to sleep with this thing in your mouth. It's a mask, like an oxygen mask, and it forces air down your throat and opens up your throat so that you can breathe. And what's it called? It's a cpap. Cpap C. Pap machine. It has to do with sleep apnea. My ex husband would stop breathing a couple of minutes every hour. I certainly understand why he's your ex husband for sure. Yeah. And I guess you need to tell her when she's ordering the pap to be sure and call it the cpap because that's too dangerously close. Oh, God. Can you order those in the mail? Yeah. I mean, just the word pap just makes me. Yeah. Cringe, like. Oh, hi. Hey, Theresa. Hi. I work for an ear, nose, and throat doctor. Number one, you can't order a CPAP machine through the mail. It has to come through, be ordered by your doctor. Thank goodness. Number two, he's got a serious medical problem and he needs to see it. Ear, nose, and throat doctor. There are different things that can be done for him. He may need surgery to help with that. He may need a CPAP machine. But from the sounds of that, he's not having sleep apnea because there's no. He's breathing with him. Cause I had. Right after my surgery that night, I had suffered a little sleep apnea. And it wakes you up. Like when you fall asleep, if you have sleep apnea, the fact that you're not breathing anymore actually wakes you up. Well, you can. You can hear him kind of. You can hear him come out of it and then kind of go back into it. He's asleep the whole time. Oh, my God. That is unreal. I can't believe that's a human. That's. Oh, my God. That is gross. It's gross. That is bizarre. No way. It's. It's like. I don't know what it is. It's sick. It is sick. Oh, wow. Has he ever been to a doctor for it? Um, I don't think so. Oh, I can't believe she hasn't done that either. And how long have they been married? Um, well, they got married around the same time Stacy and I did, so seven years now. Yeah. I think the next morning, after the first night sleeping with him. I would have taken him by the hand and driven him to the doctor. Good morning, Makita. Or to his own apartments. Exactly. Oh my God. Could y' all stop playing that? It's making me gag. I saw him gag like three times in my car already. It is nasty. All I can see is like the cartoons. You know in the cartoons when he starts throwing it in the couch and all the furniture comes right up to the nose and then you breathe out and it goes back. Oh my God, he's gonna lose a kid. Because he's gonna suck a kid right up in there. So the consensus was he needs to go to the doctor, I think is what to tell his wife. Or get one of those. What was it, a pap smear machine. No, no, no. Yeah, don't do a pap smear on him, cpap. But he's gotta go to the doctor for that. The Bird show this holiday, Verizon is giving you incredible gifts and savings you'll enjoy all year. When you Switch, you'll get four new iPhone 17 Pros. No trade in needed. That's right, get four lines for just 25 a line. And the amazing iPhone 17 Pro for everyone. Save big this holiday. Visit Verizon today. 20 monthly promo credit supplied to account over 35 months with a new line on unlimited. Welcome. 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