The Bert Show – Vault: He Reads Her Journal

Date: November 4, 2025
Podcast Host: The Bert Show Cast (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Jen, Melissa)
Episode Context:
A listener, Tom, calls in to discuss a marital dilemma: he secretly read his wife's journal for a year to “save” their marriage. The episode explores trust, communication breakdown, and whether the ends can justify the means in relationships.

Episode Overview

This episode centers on a real-life moral and marital dilemma: Tom, a listener, read his wife’s private journal without her knowledge or permission for an entire year. He says the insights he gained allowed him to improve their struggling marriage, but when his wife discovered the truth, she felt deeply betrayed. The hosts and listeners debate whether Tom is in the right for doing “whatever it takes” to save a marriage, or whether he fundamentally undermined trust—and whether positive outcomes ever excuse violations of privacy.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting Up the Drama (02:15)

• Host explains the original plan was to have Tom and his wife participate in “Couple’s Court” to get listener verdicts on their dispute, but Tom’s wife refused.
• Hosts clarify the premise: Tom snooped because their marriage was on the rocks—"to say that we were in a tough spot is kind of putting it lightly" (03:29, Tom).

2. Tom’s Side of the Story (03:29)

• Tom describes finding his wife’s journal while cleaning, feeling justified in reading it because the marriage was in deep trouble.

• He says the journal revealed she felt neglected, despite his belief that he was simply working hard for the family.

  “I realized after reading her journal that I was actually, actually neglecting them. So it sort of put things in focus for me.” (05:12, Tom)

• Tom made immediate behavioral changes: became attentive, turned off his phone after work, and focused on quality time.

• He claims the improvements were dramatic: less fighting, considering divorce/counseling shifted into reconnecting and even going on vacation.

3. The Habit, the Discovery & the Fallout (05:55)

• Tom admits he continued reading the journal weekly for about a year— “Probably looked at it maybe once, yikes, once a week, probably.” (07:44, Tom).
• Eventually, his wife noticed her journal was out of place. Tom confesses when confronted.
• Wife is furious; refuses to come on the show; feels major breach of trust.

4. Is He Right or Wrong? The Moral Quagmire (09:11)

• Tom’s central question: “If it saved my marriage, is it really that bad?” (09:14, Tom)
• Acknowledges violation of privacy, but thinks the positive results justify his actions.

5. Hosts’ and Cast’s Differing Reactions

• Melissa: First time understandable, but ongoing snooping is a problem. Emphasizes that Tom avoided difficult conversations, relying on the journal because it didn’t feel like “nagging.” The true improvement should come via actual communication, not secret reading.

  “Continuing to go to the journal for that, I think is what is wrong because…to really improve your relationship with your wife is to listen to her and not take it as criticism when she’s saying it to you…” (10:23, Melissa)

• Tom clarifies: When his wife tried to communicate, “it put me on the defensive, so I automatically became— that’s not her fault.” (10:55)

• Jen: Wonders whether journaling is a symptom of his wife “giving up” on communicating directly. Suggests journaling could be a helpful therapeutic tool—if it’s consensual.

6. Listener Calls Weigh In

• Ann/Elizabeth: Praises Tom, suggests using journals for spousal communication can be healthy. Argues, “If you can read it and not take a defensive attitude and use it as a tool to improve your relationship, I think it’s spot on.” (14:24)
• Melissa strongly disagrees: Points out that therapy journals are only healthy tools when all parties are aware, and secrecy undermines trust.
• Jen: Admits she’d be tempted to read her own husband’s diary but could not keep it secret for a year: “No doubt in my mind… But then I’d tell him about it.” (17:13)

7. Deeper Issues Unpacked (17:44–20:34)

• Host points out that dire circumstances sometimes “remove the rules”—if your marriage is falling apart, you get desperate to save it.
• Melissa asserts that both parties failed at communication: wife defaulted to indirect journaling; Tom avoided direct conversation and chose clandestine monitoring.
• Second listener “Elizabeth” strongly condemns Tom’s breach: “Marriages are based on trust…if I were her, I would be absolutely enraged.” (19:19)

8. Resolution (20:34)

• Melissa and the host agree: “Desperate times call for desperate measures,” but the deeper communication problem remains. Tom’s actions may have postponed deeper reckoning, not resolved it.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Tom:

  “If it improved my marriage, if it saved my marriage, is it really that bad?” (09:14)

• Melissa:

  “The reason your relationship improved is because you were acknowledging her concerns and doing something about it…to really improve your relationship with your wife is to listen to her, not take it as criticism when she’s saying it to you.” (10:23)

• Jen:

  “If Ryan had a diary and I came across it, I would absolutely read it, but then I’d tell him about it.” (17:13)

• Listener Ann/Elizabeth:

  “I believe the relationship between a husband and wife should be completely open… but if you can read it and not take a defensive attitude and use it as a tool to improve your relationship, I think it’s spot on.” (14:24)

• Listener Elizabeth:

  “Marriages are based on trust…if I were her, I would be absolutely enraged.” (19:19)

• Host:

  “Desperate times call for desperate measures…if this is what you had to do, hopefully she can get over it.” (20:34)

Important Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | Description | |-----------|----------------------------------------------|-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:15 | Introduction to Tom’s Dilemma | Why the journal issue came up; plan for “Couple’s Court.” | | 03:29 | Tom Describes the Marital Breakdown | Tom provides backstory and his discovery of the journal. | | 05:35 | How Reading the Journal Changed Things | Tom talks about making improvements and the night-and-day effect. | | 07:44 | Frequency of Snooping | Reveals weekly journal reading for a year. | | 09:14 | Tom’s Core Question | “If it improved my marriage… is it really that bad?” | | 10:23 | Melissa Critiques Tom’s Avoidance | Argues real improvement only comes from direct communication. | | 14:24 | Listener Praises Tom’s Approach | Argues journal-writing can be a therapeutic tool if intentions are right. | | 17:13 | Jen’s Honesty About Temptation | Admits she’d read a diary but wouldn’t keep it secret. | | 19:19 | Listener Condemns the Act | Marriage trust cited as the most important, and this was a clear violation. | | 20:34 | Closing Thoughts | “Desperate times call for desperate measures,” but communication issues persist. |

Tone and Style Highlights

• The episode is candid, lively, and open—true to The Bert Show’s vibe; hosts use humor, empathy, and honesty.
• Multiple viewpoints from cast and callers lead to rich, real-world conflict; no clear consensus is reached, mirroring the complexity of real relationships.
• The emotional authenticity stands out, especially as Tom himself acknowledges his faults while defending his intentions.

Takeaways for Listeners

• Even when intentions are good, the means can have unintended consequences—especially when trust in a relationship is on the line.
• Privacy and honesty are foundational in marriage—but sometimes, desperate circumstances can tempt people to rationalize boundary-crossing.
• Open, vulnerable, and direct communication is ultimately necessary for genuine intimacy and relationship repair.
• Real-life dilemmas rarely offer easy answers; sometimes the “right” thing is muddied by desperation, secrecy, and personal failings.

This episode is a compelling listen for anyone interested in the gray areas of relationships, privacy, and whether “the ends justify the means”—with plenty of raw, real talk and a variety of passionate perspectives from both the cast and listeners.