Vault: Her boyfriend pays for everything, and she feels guilty

Summary

The Bert Show: “Her Boyfriend Pays for Everything, and She Feels Guilty”

Episode Date: May 4, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this candid discussion, The Bert Show team, led by producer Joanna Rodriguez, dives into the complicated emotions surrounding financial dependency in relationships—particularly when one partner is footing most of the bills. Joanna shares her experiences and guilt about her boyfriend Jason covering essential expenses during a rough financial patch, prompting a broader conversation about pride, partnership, independence, and societal pressures. Listeners call in to share similar stories, and the cast navigates the nuances of love, support, and self-reliance in tough economic times.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Joanna’s Story: Navigating Financial Dependence

• Joanna’s Frustration (00:50):
  • At 25, Joanna expected financial stability but instead relies on her boyfriend Jason for essentials, not just dinners or outings, but repairs (e.g., AC, car tires, battery).
  • Quote:

    “I always thought that at 25, I would be a little more financially stable in my life...and I’m having to rely on Jason, my boyfriend, for things financially.” — Joanna (00:50)

• Jason’s Generosity (01:53):
  • These are not loans—Jason refuses repayment, believing in a shared future:

    “He says, ‘Don’t worry about it. … We’re gonna get married one day, so I’m just helping you out right now.’” — Joanna (01:53)

  • Jason’s attitude is, “what’s mine is yours,” reinforcing his commitment.
• Joanna’s Internal Conflict (02:21):
  • Deep discomfort with reliance stems from her upbringing:

    “I’ve lived on my own since I was 18… my grandmother’s always told me, ‘Don’t ever rely on a man. You need to make your own money and you need to take care of yourself.’” — Joanna (02:21)

  • She worries Jason will see her as incapable or become disillusioned.

The Hosts’ Perspectives and Encouragement

• Context of the Recession (03:22):
  • Many people face similar struggles; the recession has made self-sufficiency difficult.

  • “So many are in that place right now… either having to call your parents and move back in or borrow money from a brother or a boyfriend… it totally hurts your pride.” — Host (03:22)

• Basic Needs vs. Lavish Gifts (04:06):
  • The group distinguishes genuine need from taking advantage:

    “It’s not like you’re asking him to go buy you a pair of Jimmy Choos. … These are basic things that he probably feels really good about being able to help you with.” — Host (04:06)

• Timing and Relationship Depth (04:43):
  • The length and seriousness of the relationship make a difference in financial support’s appropriateness.

    “It’s not like you guys are going out for three weeks and you’re starting to ask him for tires and help on air conditioning, which changes everything.” — Host (04:43)

• Still Craving Independence (05:06):
  • Joanna’s resolve remains strong:

    “If he does leave tomorrow, I’ve got to make it on my own… I need to make sure that I can take care of myself.” — Joanna (05:06)

Listener Stories & Broader Implications

• Jamie’s Call: Empathy and Shared Struggle (05:44):
  • Jamie, 25, shares a similar experience—job loss, living with parents, relying on family after a car accident.

    “We shouldn’t, you know, have to, you know, depend on going to doctor at last choice… so I’m in the same boat as her. … Stay positive and stay strong.” — Jamie (05:44)

• Scott’s Story: Money and Romantic Hope (07:05):
  • Listener Scott, spending $10k over five months on a friend (“not even dating or anything”), prompts a discussion about motives and hope in romantic dynamics.
  • Bert explains “waiting in the weeds theory” — some men wait as friends, hoping for romantic prospects, often with little return.

    “It very, very, very rarely ends up, I think, in a long-term relationship.” — Bert (08:55)

Gender Roles and Self-Worth in Relationships

• Feeling Undeserving? (09:59):
  • Joanna wrestles with self-worth:

    “Do I deserve such a great guy because I can’t even get myself together and this guy’s so wonderful and he’s got everything together?” — Joanna (09:59)

• How Men View a Struggling Partner (10:19):
  • The group agrees that intent and work ethic matter more than current finances.

    “But you’re trying, which makes it okay… he sees you… getting up early, coming in here, and then you’re also a waitress, like, that makes it okay.” — Host (10:27 & 11:16)

  • If Joanna was passive, it might breed resentment; her hustle inspires respect.
• Reciprocity and Relationship Dynamics (11:55):
  • Life and relationships have financial ebbs and flows.

    “You also in a strong relationship, you know, it goes back and forth and ebbs and flows… you’ll go through this with him many times over.” — Host (11:59)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Pride and Upbringing

  “It breaks me up because this is really killing my pride. … My grandmother’s always told me, 'Don’t ever rely on a man.'”
  — Joanna (02:21)

• On What Matters in Partnership

  “If you were asking him for lavish things… then I would say be worried about it. These are basic things that he probably feels really good about being able to help you with.”
  — Host (04:06)

• On Relationship Credibility

  “You’ve already built up… credibility with him… he just wants to help out.”
  — Host (11:36)

• On Life’s Financial Up-and-Down

  “It’s a misconception that in your relationship, throughout your life, you’re both gonna be financially… parallel with each other. … It goes back and forth and ebbs and flows.”
  — Host (11:59)

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Key Timestamps

• 00:50 — Joanna introduces her situation and feelings of guilt
• 01:53 — Jason’s perspective and refusal to accept repayment
• 02:21 — Joanna’s pride and family influence discussed
• 03:22 — Broader economic context and pride in self-sufficiency
• 04:06 — Team emphasizes needs vs. wants in partner support
• 05:44 — Listener Jamie calls in with a parallel experience
• 07:05 — Listener Scott shares about spending money for a (platonic) friend
• 09:59 — Joanna questions her self-worth and deservingness in the relationship
• 11:55 — Show explores the natural financial ebb and flow in strong relationships

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Takeaways

• Financial dependence can trigger deep-seated feelings of shame, especially for those raised to value independence.
• Context matters: a strong, long-term partnership provides emotional safety for temporary imbalances.
• Intentions, effort, and mutual respect underpin lasting relationships—temporary setbacks don’t define one’s worth.
• Generosity in a relationship often ebbs and flows; being there for each other strengthens the bond.
• Listeners echoed these themes, sharing how tough economic times challenge but also connect people.

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Summary by The Bert Show Podcast Summarizer — capturing real conversations, real struggles, and sincere advice for listeners navigating life’s financial and emotional complexities.

Transcript

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Here, Bird show producer Joanna Rodriguez. What's going on with you, Joanna?

[B]

So I just, I always thought that at 25, I would be a little more financially stable in my life. And I, I'm realizing that's not the case. And I'm having to rely on Jason, my boyfriend, for things financially. And I'm not just talking about like, you know, we go out to dinner and he pays for things. That's just something he's always done, even when I've always tried to pay. When I did have money and I was making more of a steady income, he wouldn't let me. But things like household things that are going on, like my air conditioner at my house broke and he. And he had a fork over the money pay for it.

[D]

How much was that?

[B]

Well, originally we thought it was going to be more than it actually was, but it was like about $200 to repair that. And then.

[E]

Oh, that's actually pretty lucky. Typically that's four or $5,000, right?

[B]

I thought it was gonna be $2,500 and he was gonna have to cover it, but then we got a second opinion and it was $200. And then I need new tires on my car. And he had to fork over the money for the tires. I needed a new battery. He had to fork over the money for the battery.

[F]

Are these gifts gifts or loans? Like do you say?

[B]

I say, I will pay you back. And he says, don't worry about it. Because in his mind he thinks, well, we're gonna get married one day, so I'm just helping you out right now.

[D]

It's not like in his mind he's thinking, you guys are gonna get married. One day.

[B]

No, but I mean, he does say that, like, what's, you know, what's mine is yours. You know, financially, we're gonna be set. So I'm helping you out now because I know in the future we're gonna be together.

[F]

And so do you realize with every set of tires, your ring gets a little tiny bit smaller?

[B]

Yeah. That's why I'm trying to tell him to stop and just let the power. And it's really me, because I've lived on my own since I was 18 years old, and I've never relied on anybody. So it is absolutely killing me inside to let him do this. And I don't know what else to do. And it's making me realize, obviously, that I need to get myself together, I need to save, I need to put money away because I don't want this to ever happen to me again. I don't want to have to rely. And it breaks me up because this is really killing my pride. I don't want to have to rely on Jason for anything. And I get that from my grandmother who's always told me, don't ever rely on a man. You need to make your own money and you need to take care of yourself. So I hate that he has to do this.

[D]

Is this just recession time stuff or is this.

[B]

It's. It's the fact that, yeah, I had to go from a weekly paying salary to not to this, to being with you guys.

[D]

I think this is such a common story right now. I think there are so many people that for their entire lives have been so dependent on themselves, and for whatever reason, because of the recession now they've had to depend on other people. And it totally hurts your pride, either having to call your parents and move back in or borrow money from a brother or a boyfriend. So many are in that place right now.

[B]

Yeah. And I don't know, I just don't want him to think that I don't have it together, you know, like, he is so financially stable and, you know, he can afford to help me out, and I just don't want him to be like, what am I getting myself into? She can't even afford $100 pair of tires, you know, or $100 tire or $100 battery. So I just. It's just really killing me inside.

[E]

I think it's. I think it's that he does want to be the provider, like, eventually, like you said, like, as you have your life together. So I don't think that he sees it like that. I think he Sees it as, he can be your man and take care of you when you need it. And it's not like you're asking him to go buy you a pair of Jimmy Choos. Like you're asking him for things you need in your life, you know, in order to rent out your house. Like, you needed the air conditioner to work in order to be able to. To work every day and back. You need tires on your car. So I think that if you were asking him for lavish things or you were trying to be a gold digger or whatever, then I would say be worried about it. But these are basic things that he probably feels really good about being able to help you with.

[D]

I also think there's a timing issue here also. You guys have been going out with each other for a very long time. You love each other. It's a foregone conclusion that you're gonna get engaged, at least in your mind. And it's not like you guys are going out for three weeks and you're starting to ask him for tires and help on air conditioning, which changes everything. This is a guy that loves you, and his job is to support you, and yours is to him.

[B]

And I understand that. But I still want to be more stable, like, for myself, because if he does leave tomorrow, I've got to make it on my own. You know, I still think that way. Like, if something happens and we didn't work out, I need to make sure that I can take care of myself, and I don't want to rely on him.

[F]

Wasn't that what you have Southside for?

[B]

But I think it's that.

[G]

I think it's that, you know, I mean, I think he can sense your independence, and I think that's why he loves you. And I think that's why he doesn't think that you're mooching off of him. Because he can see the struggle, as I think, with anybody. Because there's a difference between the people that struggle with these decisions and the people that don't, you know, Because I do think there are people that probably take advantage of the recession, too.

[D]

Hey, Jamie. Good morning. You're on Q100.

[H]

Good morning. I'm just commenting more on Joanna's story. Mine's somewhat similar. 25 years old and had a little run in South America for a couple years, and I came back and was jobless. Lucky to find a job right now with Georgia State University. And with a temporary job, I get paid $10 an hour and no health insurance, and I actually am forced to live with My parents and I got in a car wreck, and so they had to pay for a car to get me to work. And so I'm just telling you, like, maybe this time period, which for you. For me, just this transition, and it is part of the recession. And I just want to tell you to stay pos. And I know it's frustrating just because right now I'm kind of. I think I'm walking pneumonia. And my last resort is to go to the doctor, but I'm actually forced to go today, but pay out of pocket. And it's just like, it shouldn't be like that. We shouldn't, you know, have to, you know, depend on going to doctor at last choice, you know, so I'm in the same boat as her. And I just wanted to say stay positive and stay strong.

[D]

Her life is like a country song right there.

[G]

And I was thinking as to the sensitivity to things in the future, I never think a bad time is bad lesson, you know, I think that it just makes you more compassionate to others. When you're out of this situation, you see other people in it.

[D]

Here comes Scott. He's on the voice disguiser. Hey, Scott.

[I]

Hey, how's it going? Thinking about what she was talking about, about how this guy's spending money and everything. I'm actually a full time student in school and there's a girl that I'm actually really crazy about, and she's just a good friend of mine. I'm not even dating or anything. We do go out, we have fun and everything. And I've spent in about five months, about close to $10,000, but.

[D]

Whoa.

[F]

Oh, in five months you want to date Joanna?

[I]

No. This one person is just an awesome person. She's fun to be around.

[D]

It's such a different texture to what you're talking about than what Joanna's talking about, though. Like, I mean, I think this girl. I mean, she could probably be. I couldn't even take that kind of money from somebody I just met. I wouldn't even allow you to do it, you know?

[I]

Yeah. But I don't know, it actually makes me happy about myself also. And she's just a really special person. I gotta finish my school. Yes. I gotta get back into work. I used to own a business, and until that changes, maybe something else could change. But at this point right now, she's just a really good friend.

[G]

Are you gonna be upset if she. If she never gets with you romantically? Do what I said, are you gonna be upset if she does not get with you romantically? After spending this money on her, you

[I]

know, I'm not gonna let that get to me right now. I know she has a real heart and everything.

[F]

Oh, yes.

[I]

And I'm just trying to be as poor as I can through what she's going through herself.

[F]

Do you think there's any chance that you are being taken advantage of?

[I]

Really? I don't think so, no.

[G]

Okay.

[D]

Guys have this gear. Like we can, we can wait. We've talked about this before. I call it the waiting in the weeds theory, where you could just wait and wait and wait. And we can pretend to be friends for a really long time just on the 1% chance that eventually she'll see us for the sensitive, great looking guy that we are. And it generally happens at 2:30 in the morning on a Friday night where she has a vulnerability and we pounce. But it very, very, very rarely ends up, I think, in a long term relationship. Yes. All right, dude. Thank you for calling. Appreciate it.

[I]

Yeah, y' all have a great night.

[D]

I think that's so different than what you're talking about.

[B]

I think it's great you have somebody to rely on and that, that isn't your parents because, I mean, a lot of people don't have that extra support and people are embarrassed to go ask their parents for help. You have a great boyfriend who's willing to help you out when you need help. And he is, he's great and he's wonderful. And don't think for a second that I'm not putting something away to pay him back. Obviously. Like.

[E]

And you would do it for him, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

I mean, if you were in the,

[F]

if you didn't work in radio, if

[E]

you were in the position to make more money and you felt like you could help him out, you would do it and you wouldn't look bad on him for that, right?

[B]

No, I. And I just want to make sure that, you know, obviously my question goes out to the guys. Like, I guess I felt like, do I deserve such a great guy because I can't even get myself together and this guy's so wonderful and he's got everything together. Like, do you guys look at that like a girl that doesn't have her life together financially? Like, do you look down on that? Is that.

[F]

But I don't. Yes, but I don't think it's because.

[G]

What do you mean?

[D]

It's a complicated answer.

[F]

You're trying, which makes it okay. Like, you're working. Like, everybody knows. Oh, Lord. Do we know that radio is a sucky business to get Started in. And you do it for, you know, nothing. Decades, if you're lucky. And then you get the big paycheck, and it's all good. Hopefully, if you're as talented as you know. Me, for example.

[D]

But he's on. He's on the cusp. He's on the cusp right now, for the most part.

[G]

Somehow your answer turns into something about him.

[B]

But I'm cold, so I'm good. I am his talent.

[F]

Well, so the fact that Jason sees that makes it okay. But if you were not hustling like you were, are you still working part time at that little radio station down in.

[B]

I have three jobs.

[F]

Yeah. So, like, he sees you driving down to wherever it is, Macon area or whatever.

[B]

Columbus.

[F]

Right, Columbus. The radio metropolis of South Georgia. And you're doing shows down there, and he sees you getting up early, coming in here, and then you're also a waitress, like, that makes it okay. But if you just had one waitressing job and you're like, oh, my God, this sucks. I'm never gonna make it, then I think in the back of his mind, he'd be like, I got kind of a loser here.

[D]

You've already built up, like, a person with credibility with him up until this point. You guys have gone out. He knows what your character is. If you guys were just starting to go out and he saw all this and he didn't know who Joanna is, then maybe I would say, yeah, he might look down on that. But you've got a resume, built a credibility with this guy, so he just wants to help out.

[B]

Okay, well, I'll let him help out, but I am gonna pay back every time.

[G]

Well, and I also think it's a misconception that in your relationship, throughout your life, you're both gonna be financially. I mean, it's one you never parallel with each other. One person's usually doing very well, the other one, you know, and so if you both are doing financially great, that's. That's a blessing. But you also in a strong relationship, you know, it goes back and forth and ebbs and flows, and so you'll go through this with him many times over.

[D]

You know, Joanna's gonna put herself on the voice disguiser to try to win the thousand dollars.

[B]

Hey, guys, I need to take a break.

[F]

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