Vault: Her friend is very toxic

Summary

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The Bert Show: Vault - Her Friend Is Very Toxic

Date: June 19, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode, The Bert Show team dives deep into the struggles of navigating toxic adult friendships, particularly when past drama continues to disrupt both personal and professional lives. Listeners and the cast weigh in with personal stories, opinions, and practical advice for dealing with a friend-turned-antagonist whose actions are harming relationships and creating a hostile environment at work.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Toxic Friendship Scenario (00:46–03:42)

• The host recounts a predicament involving a friend who is being persistently targeted by a former friend—years after their falling out.
• This toxic individual is actively trashing her reputation, interfering with friendships, and even negatively impacting her work atmosphere.

Quote:

“She’s kind of really let it go and been like, well, that’s their problem. But this person won’t stop … it’s even affecting work relationships because this person works not directly in her office, but is involved in something connected to her work.”
— Host (00:24–01:24)

• The person in question was once part of the friend group but, after a fallout years ago, continues to act “really, really mean” to mutual acquaintances and disrupt the listener’s life.

2. Adult vs. High School Fallout (02:30–02:49)

• Multiple cast members comment on how this situation feels almost juvenile, like high school drama, but stress that adulthood brings different repercussions and legal routes (like restraining orders).

Quote:

“The difference between adulthood and high school is … in adulthood, there are legal things called restraining orders. … If it’s affecting that friend’s life, then this person is actually harassing them.”
— Guest Advisor (02:30–02:36)

3. Ignoring Isn’t Working (02:56–03:42)

• The host explains that ignoring the toxic person has not helped; the listener’s friend completely avoids the antagonist, but this has not stopped the harassment or its ripple effects through friends and work associates.

4. Listener Calls: Real Experiences and Advice

a. Kiki’s Story – Fighting Fire with Fire (03:46–04:54)

• Listener Kiki shares a nearly identical experience where she endured lies and manipulation from a former close friend.
• Kiki initially tried to remain mature but retaliated by revealing the friend’s secrets to people close to her. This “fighting fire with fire” approach, though a “high school thing,” ended the harassment.

Quotes:

“I brought out her dirty little secrets, and I’ve heard nothing else.”
— Kiki (04:24)
“I did exactly what she did to me.”
— Kiki (04:45)

b. The Pain of Friendship Breakups (04:58–06:13)

• The cast and callers discuss how a friendship breakup often hurts more than a romantic one, precisely because it’s not socially acceptable to “announce” a friend breakup, leading to more confusion and pain.

Quote:

“I would almost think it’s harder to have a friendship go bad than a romantic relationship…”
— Co-host (04:58)
“It’s harder when it’s a friendship because you’re like, wow, I really thought this person was my friend…”
— Kiki (05:40)

c. Workplace Advice: When to Go to HR (06:13–08:58)

• The host says the friend is considering reporting the toxicity to her boss or HR, as it’s negatively affecting her work.
• Caller Terry and guest advisors encourage thorough documentation of all harassment (emails, voicemails, witnesses).
• A Human Resources manager, Catherine, calls in to confirm that filing an official complaint is recommended, emphasizing the importance of witnesses.

Quotes:

“Keep your mouth shut, save all your crap, and pay her to court.”
— Terry (06:59)
“Absolutely, she should go and file a complaint, especially since it’s affecting her work and could possibly affect her work performance.”
— Catherine, HR Manager (08:15)
“It does help if you have witnesses, definitely.”
— Catherine, HR Manager (08:45)

5. Social and Emotional Frustrations (09:02–10:08)

• The cast debate how frustrating and “juvenile” such situations are.
• They highlight the lack of social scripts for cutting off ex-friends as adults versus ex-partners.

Quotes:

“And it’s like, my friend doesn’t understand it… just leave me alone. Like, get out of my life and go away.”
— Host (09:05)
“You’re not allowed to say, I don’t like that person anymore... And you know what? You should be able to do that as an adult.”
— Co-host (09:39, 09:56)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:46–03:42: Introduction of the toxic friendship dilemma
• 03:46–04:54: Kiki’s call and “fighting fire with fire”
• 04:58–06:13: Emotional impact of friendship breakups
• 06:13–08:58: Strategies for documenting harassment and HR/legal options
• 09:02–10:08: Social commentary on the awkwardness of adult friendship breakups

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Memorable Moments & Listener Takeaways

• Fighting Back: Kiki’s story received both support and skepticism—listeners debated whether retaliation or legal documentation was best.
• HR and Legal Action: Advice was unified around the value of documentation and using HR resources—especially when the toxicity bleeds into the workplace.
• Emotional Honesty: The panel candidly discussed how painful and confusing friendship breakups can be, especially because society lacks clear norms for them.

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Notable Quotes

• “She’s kind of really let it go … but this person won’t stop … and it’s even affecting work relationships.” — Host (00:24–01:24)
• “I brought out her dirty little secrets, and I’ve heard nothing else.” — Kiki (04:24)
• “Keep your mouth shut, save all your crap, and pay her to court.” — Terry (06:59)
• “Absolutely, she should go and file a complaint, especially since it’s affecting her work.” — Catherine, HR Manager (08:15)
• “You should be able to declare anyone you want … you’re not my friend anymore.” — Co-host (09:56)

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Summary

This episode of The Bert Show tackled the uncomfortable and often painful circumstances around toxic ex-friends, especially as adults. Listeners and experts highlighted the complexity of these breakups and the dilemma between taking the high road, retaliating, or seeking formal help. The consensus leaned towards documenting harassment and pursuing workplace or legal remedies when a toxic friendship disturbs work and mental well-being—the mature, if not always satisfying, adult response.

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Transcript

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[Host - Bird Show]

Bird Show A friend of mine has a predicament I want to relay to you guys and see if you've ever been in this situation or see if you can help because both of us are kind of stuck on what to do about it. But my friend has somebody in her life who really, really doesn't like her, okay? Can't stand her for personal reasons and has sort of made it their mission to trash her, right? Really, okay, Trash her reputation. Talk badly about her to anybody that will listen. Like just somebody that's just got this vendetta against her and she's not 17 and no.

[Co-host - Bird Show]

What high school does she go to?

[Host - Bird Show]

No, and she's an adult and so she doesn't really have angst towards this person. She's kind of like really let it go and been like, well, that's their problem. But this person won't stop being just aggravate, like trying to aggravate all kinds of personal situations get in between friendships and it's even affecting work relationships because this person works not directly in her office, but in sort of with an event connected to her work.

[Co-host - Bird Show]

So there is a.

[Caller/Guest - Advice Giver]

This is just a friend. This is not somebody that there's a past with this person on a romantic

[Host - Bird Show]

level or anything like that. It's not an ex boyfriend or an ex girlfriend or anything like that.

[Caller/Guest - Advice Giver]

It's just a random person.

[Host - Bird Show]

It is a person that was formerly in her friend group and they're not friends anymore. There was a falling out and it was actually years ago that the falling out all happened. But this person is still really, really mean to her, to everyone that they know mutually in common and just really sort of takes a shot at her every chance that this person gets.

[Caller/Guest - Advice Giver]

See, the difference between adulthood and high school is high school. I Mean, this does sound so much like high school.

[Host - Bird Show]

It does.

[Caller/Guest - Advice Giver]

And in adulthood, there is legal things called restraining order. I mean, because it sounds like it's harassing, you know, because if it's affecting that friend's life, then this person is actually harassing them.

[Host - Bird Show]

Right.

[Caller/Guest - Advice Giver]

Indirectly.

[Host - Bird Show]

Her question is, like, how does she get this hateful person out of her life completely?

[Co-host - Bird Show]

I would assume that she's already completely ignoring.

[Host - Bird Show]

She does. Absolutely, completely ignores. It won't give that person the time of day. No response to any sort of emails that come forward. But it's affecting friendships around her, and it's affecting work relationships because she does have to be in the same room with this person for a certain event that's going on. And so she's trying to figure out, like, how do. Like, how does she handle herself when she has to be in the room with this person who's always so hateful

[Caller/Guest - Advice Giver]

and oddly obsessed with her about her

[Host - Bird Show]

behind her back and really hateful to not only her friends, but co workers and, like, she's like, so how do I. How do I handle it?

[Caller/Guest - Advice Giver]

Yeah.

[Co-host - Bird Show]

So years ago, Odd. Welcome to the bird show.

[Caller - Kiki]

Good morning, guys.

[Co-host - Bird Show]

How are you, Kiki?

[Caller - Kiki]

I'm good, even though I still haven't gotten my tickets yet.

[Co-host - Bird Show]

Oh, you calling for Alicia Keys, right?

[Caller - Kiki]

Yeah. But I do have a suggestion for her.

[Host - Bird Show]

Yeah.

[Caller - Kiki]

I just recently went through the exact same thing with a friend. Like, we. I thought we were, like, really, really, really close. And before, you know, I was putting it off, I was like, I'm gonna be the adult about it. I'm just gonna leave it alone until it got to the point where it started messing up my relationship with my fiance. Then. Then I snapped. So what I did, I did the high school thing. I brought up, you know, real dirt about her, and she has left me alone.

[Caller/Guest - Advice Giver]

So you fought fire with fire?

[Caller - Kiki]

I had to, because, like, it was just lies and lies. And she started telling everybody, friends of friends. And once it got to my fiance and, you know, he was upset about it, you know, even though he knew it wasn't true, I brought out her dirty little secrets, and I've heard nothing else.

[Host - Bird Show]

So wait, you brought them out to your fiance or to her?

[Caller - Kiki]

I brought them out to her boyfriend and her baby's daddy and to her mom and to friends of friends. I did exactly what she did to me.

[Host - Bird Show]

Dang. Okay, would you guys fight fire with fire is what you said.

[Caller - Kiki]

Yeah.

[Co-host - Bird Show]

Would you guys? And Kiki, you can answer this, too. And Wendy and Melissa and Jen. For women or. Actually, no, for Any relationship. I would almost think it's harder to have a friendship go bad than a romantic relationship go bad. Because with the romantic relationship, you can declare, you know, whatever. Wendy and I are dating now. We hate each other. I'm allowed to publicly say, wendy drives me nuts. She can say the same about it.

[Caller/Guest - Advice Giver]

And everybody understands. And everybody. And everybody understands. And then the relationship just. It kind of. Over years, like you said, over time, it just kind of fades away. Nobody cares anymore. Right. But for this to be.

[Caller - Kiki]

It's harder when it's a friendship because you're like, wow, I really thought this person was my friend. We've been through it, through everything. She's been by my side through everything that I've gone through. And then it's just like out of nowhere, you know, you started talking mess about me and for what reason? And my thing is, I like you. And her thing, she was jealous because of me and my fiance's relationship with my daughter. And I'm like, it's not always peaches and cream. What you say is not always that pretty. You're never at home with us when the door is closed.

[Host - Bird Show]

Well, I just think, too, that my friend is considering going to her bosses and considering trying to say, like, this is affecting my work situation. Like, what would she do? Would she file, like, an official human resources complaint?

[Caller - Terry]

I would.

[Host - Bird Show]

Well, I think that's not like. It's not like this person has, like, attacked her, but. But it's like. It's like verbal harassment through other people. Does that make sense?

[Caller/Guest - Advice Giver]

So when you get to work, like,

[Host - Bird Show]

creates a hostage environment and that's.

[Caller/Guest - Advice Giver]

I mean, when it comes to work, when it comes to your personal life, I mean, that's emotionally draining. But when it comes to work, I mean, that's. That's when. Yeah, like I said earlier, as an adult, you can actually file things against people, you know, like you couldn't in high school.

[Co-host - Bird Show]

Hey, Terry. Welcome to the show.

[Caller - Terry]

Hey. Yeah, all she has to do is get a restraining order. I went through this for two years with my crazy ex husband. He was sending nasty emails to me, to my friends, making a block phone calls. I started saving the voicemails. I put all the nasty voicemails on a cd. I had my friends send me a copy of the nasty emails that he sent as well as the ones he sent to me. Took them all to court, got a restraining order, no problem. And then that stopped me, my friends, anybody else. So rather than fight fire with fire, keep your mouth shut, save all your crap, and pay her to Court, I

[Caller/Guest - Advice Giver]

do like the save all the stuff. Like, document everything that somebody brings back to the friend. If the friend sees any emails or anything. I would keep that as well. But I wonder, has anyone ever put a restraining order out on an ex friend because she did it to an ex husband? It's like Jeff said. Well, that makes sense. Everybody understands that.

[Host - Bird Show]

Right? That makes sense. And like, a court of law would be like, okay, what's an ex husband? Whatever, whatever. But this is an ex friend.

[Co-host - Bird Show]

Here's an HR person.

[Caller/Guest - Advice Giver]

Okay.

[Co-host - Bird Show]

And before we talk to. Is it Catherine?

[Caller - Kiki]

Yes.

[Co-host - Bird Show]

All right. Before you talk to Katherine, in the hierarchy of the organization, who is more valuable, your friend or the person attacking

[Caller/Guest - Advice Giver]

your friend to that work environment?

[Host - Bird Show]

I think to that work environment, it's my friend who's the most valuable to the company.

[Co-host - Bird Show]

Okay, Katherine, go ahead.

[Caller - Kiki]

Hi. Yeah, I'm a human resources manager, and I would say absolutely she should go and file a complaint, especially since it's affecting her work and could possibly affect her work performance.

[Caller - Terry]

She should absolutely go and file a complaint.

[Caller/Guest - Advice Giver]

Does it make her complaint more valid if she has witnesses to, like, if instead of it being she said, and that person says, could it be like, if another person at that work environment heard something that that person said that was mean? Should that person go to the hr?

[Caller - Kiki]

Yeah, it does help if you have

[Caller - Terry]

witnesses, because the he said she said

[Caller - Kiki]

really is tough to handle as an hr. But it does help if you have witnesses. Definitely.

[Host - Bird Show]

And what's the official complaint? Like, that person's creating a hostile work environment.

[Caller - Kiki]

Yep.

[Caller - Terry]

Absolutely.

[Host - Bird Show]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest - Advice Giver]

Okay.

[Co-host - Bird Show]

Thank you for the call, Catherine.

[Host - Bird Show]

That's good.

[Caller/Guest - Advice Giver]

That is just so juvenile. I mean, it's really juvenile.

[Host - Bird Show]

And it's like, my friend doesn't understand it. She's like, it was so long ago. Like, let it go. I don't have any hard feelings towards you. Like, just leave me alone. Like, get out of my life and go away. And she keeps, like, trying to behave in this way, but it just. She's like, it just won't. It won't. Nothing changes.

[Caller - Terry]

It.

[Host - Bird Show]

It just continues and it persists. And it's this hateful, mean behavior. It's like, how do you cut somebody out of your life that's that obsessed with being hateful towards you?

[Caller/Guest - Advice Giver]

Because in high school, you're forced to be in class together, right. In adult life, you surround yourself with people you can get along with, and that's just like the fat that needs to be cut out.

[Co-host - Bird Show]

It is really odd with. With. With friendships that end as adults because you're not allowed to say. It's. You're not allowed to say. I don't like that person anymore. Like if Melissa and I had a falling out, I'm not allowed to declare. You know, I just.

[Caller - Terry]

I'm not.

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I don't.

[Caller/Guest - Advice Giver]

Like I'm taking my ball and I'm going home.

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Right?

[Co-host - Bird Show]

You just can' and you know what? You should be able to do that as an adult. You should be able to declare anyone you want. You should be able to announce, they're not my friend. You're not my friend anymore.

[Caller/Guest - Advice Giver]

Don't come to my house ever again.

[Co-host - Bird Show]

Melissa Carter, get out of my house.

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