Vault: Her puffy eye remedy

Summary

The Bert Show – Vault: Her Puffy Eye Remedy (June 19, 2026)

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives into the aftermath of an emotional night: one of the female hosts suffered from notably swollen eyes after a heavy cry, prompting a lively, honest, and funny discussion about women’s crying habits and home remedies for puffy eyes. The team shares their lived experiences, banters about gender differences with crying, and takes calls from listeners who offer unconventional beauty hacks and quick fixes for swollen, puffy eyes.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Women Cry More – And What Happens After

• The main female host opens up about having an intense cry after a string of health issues (ear infection, broken ankle), which tipped her over the edge emotionally.
• They joke and reflect about how men and women experience and talk about crying differently, emphasizing that, for women, crying is often a form of emotional cleansing.
  • Quote:
    “Guys usually don’t cry very much. ... We’ve asked Jeff, we’ve asked Bert ... how many times in your life have you cried? And it’s almost like a handful of times where a woman can cry a handful of times in a day.” (01:02, Main Female Host)

2. Physical Aftermath: The Swollen Eye Dilemma

• After the cry, the main host describes waking up with extreme puffiness, worse than she’s ever had, requiring her to wear a cap at work to hide her eyes.
  • Quote:
    “I went to the bathroom, and I was shocked at what I saw. ... I’m in a ball cap where the bill is over my eyes ... because it is that bad.” (04:04, Main Female Host)
• The team laughs about how TV personalities must cope: “If I was a TV personality, I’d have to call in sick.” (05:42, Main Female Host)

3. Remedy Requests and Listener Calls (05:27–11:10)

The hosts turn to the audience and their co-hosts for immediate, pantry-ready solutions to puffy, swollen eyes. Multiple remedies (and side stories) are suggested:

Coffee Grounds Trick

• Caller Cheryl’s Tip:
  “My remedy is ... my alarm goes off. I go in there, grab the filter with the coffee grind still in it, set it on my eyes. It takes the swelling out of your eyes.” (06:13, Caller Cheryl)
• Also suggested for cellulite (“...lay the coffee grinds in the filter on and it decreases any puffiness or swelling.”).

Preparation H (Hemorrhoid Cream)

• Caller Tracy’s Suggestion:
  “You just put it like on the top of your eyelid, ... just kind of ... smooth it out on your fingers ... it does, it works.” (07:09, Caller Tracy)
• Warnings: Don’t put it near your eyelashes or too close to the eye. (07:27)

Green Tea Bags

• Caller Melissa’s Suggestion:
  “Go get some green tea bags and wet them with cool water, take five minutes, put them on your eyes, and then it goes away within five minutes.” (09:03, Caller Melissa)
• As read in Cosmopolitan (09:21), recommended for any kind of eye swelling.

Cold Mayonnaise

• Caller Melissa:
  “Mayonnaise works very well for swollen eyes. ... From the fridge.” (10:24)
• Apply for 5–10 minutes, then wash off. Anecdote about using it after a bee sting and it quickly reducing swelling—“...the next day at school was picture day.” (10:39)

Cucumbers

• An oft-mentioned classic by the co-hosts, with the caveat that you need time to lay down and keep them on your eyes. (05:10, Female Co-host)

4. Sharing “Ugly Cry” vs. “Pretty Cry” Confessions

• The hosts playfully debate who in the room is a pretty crier or an “ugly crier.”
  • Quote:
    “You cry pretty, though. I cry real ugly. ... My face is splotchy, red, swollen. My nose is like Rudolph.” (08:13, Female Co-host)

5. Commercial Products

• One listener recommends Mary Kay’s “Indulging Soothing Eye Gel” as a more reliable (if pricey) fix. (10:06, Main Female Host)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Gender and Crying:
  “Guys usually don’t cry very much... a handful of times in your life where a woman can cry a handful of times in a day.” — Main Female Host (01:02)
• On That Cry:
  “I described myself to these guys this morning as Rocky after a fight. ... My eyes literally, top, bottom, side, like in my nose area, right there at the corner ... swelled this morning.” — Main Female Host (07:58)
• Best Listener Fix:
  “Mayonnaise works very well for swollen eyes... From the fridge.” — Caller Melissa (10:24)
• Ugly Cry Realness:
  “I could never go on one of those shows... I’d be like, the ugly crier is what they would have up there, like, as my name.” — Female Co-host (08:51)

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Detailed Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:02 – The hosts open up about crying differences between genders and emotional cleansing.
• 03:23–05:03 – The main host narrates her post-cry swelling and failed attempts at home remedies.
• 05:08–05:59 – Cucumber trick and barriers of morning schedules discussed; pantry remedies requested.
• 06:13–06:42 – Coffee filter/grounds remedy explained by a listener caller.
• 07:03–07:57 – Preparation H as unconventional puffy eye remedy; discussion of application safety.
• 08:13–08:51 – Ugly cry vs. pretty cry confessions, reality TV jokes.
• 09:03–09:32 – Green tea bags trick, sourced from Cosmo.
• 10:06–10:15 – Mary Kay Indulging Soothing Eye Gel mentioned as a commercial alternative.
• 10:20–11:01 – Cold mayonnaise hack shared (and origins in dealing with bee stings).
• 11:10 – Wrap-up as the hosts reflect on which kitchen products could make for the weirdest-smelling eye treatment.

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a hilarious, candid snapshot of real-life embarrassments and simple kitchen-table beauty hacks. It demonstrates The Bert Show’s core strengths: authentic sharing, relatable vulnerability, and interactive, community-driven problem-solving. Listeners leave not just with a list of remedies, but also a sense of camaraderie around the universality (and absurdity) of swollen post-cry eyes.

Transcript

[Lady Luck]

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[Vert/Bluff]

Listen, it's the vert show.

[Main Female Host]

All right, now, this is a conversation for girls. Now, maybe guys can, you know, have an opinion on it, but guys usually don't cry very much. They always talk about how, you know, you can ask. We've asked Jeff, we've asked Bert, in the past, how many times in your life have you cried? And it's almost like a handful of times where a woman can cry a handful of times in a day. So, so one of, and this is

[Male Co-host]

fascinating because you talk about the crying being like a cleansing thing, like where there might not be anything sad or upsetting but just a hundred little things. And you're like, you know what? I'm just stressed.

[Main Female Host]

Correct? That is absolutely correct. I think a lot of times guys mistake that for weakness, but that's just, that's how we can handle things, is by crying. And so last night I told these guys when I came in and I didn't have to tell them because it's evident I had a good cry last night. So it was one of those that I think. I mean, it was. I mean, there's so many things going on at the time, so I couldn't. It was not tears about one thing. It was, you know, I am assuming that a lot of it stemmed from the fact that I'm just, I'm frustrated that I don't feel good. You know, Like, I've talked about how I've battled this ear infection for the past Six weeks before that, I had broken my ankle and was around on a cast for three months. So since September, I have not been 100%. And I think maybe last night it was just at the boiling point that I had to get it out. And so I had a good cry last night. And a lot of times for women, if you don't feel good and. And again, Wendy and I joked I have to check the calendar to see if the hormones added to it.

[Female Co-host]

Oh, trust me, it always throws you over the top.

[Main Female Host]

But it was a hard.

[Male Co-host]

By the way, I also need to watch the super bowl somewhere this weekend to regain some masculinity because this is the second time today we've had this conversation. Go ahead, girls.

[Main Female Host]

Anyway, so. But let me give the phone number at 404-741-Q100 because I do need swollen eye remedies because the good cry last night was a good heart. I mean, it started off is tear and then a little more tears and then need a Kleenex to wipe it off. And then I just let it go. I mean, I had a good hard cry. So I think.

[Female Co-host]

And those don't come as often. Women cry and we have like a little cry, but like the really hard ones where it's. For a while.

[Main Female Host]

Yes. I don't know. The last time I did that let

[Female Co-host]

it just be overwhelming. Right?

[Lady Luck]

It was just.

[Main Female Host]

Yeah, it's just one of those.

[Female Co-host]

Usually those are after like a huge breakup, like where you just put yourself to sleep crying and you're like in sweatpants for two weeks and that whole thing. But yeah, when you just get overwhelmed and let it go, your eyes get swollen shut.

[Main Female Host]

Yes. And so I said last night that I thought that my mistake was this happened right before I went to bed and then I went to bed because I know for me if I cry and I don't let myself stay vertical for gravity to help with the swelling. And I lay down, I mean, I actually put a cold cloth on my eyes and I put a little ice on my eyes before I went to bed, thinking that would be fine. So I woke up this morning and

[Male Co-host]

I'll go one step further than talking about guys crying. I don't ever recall ever crying to the point where it's affected my eyes. Like being swollen or anything really?

[Vert/Bluff]

Yep.

[Male Co-host]

Like ever to that length? I don't think so.

[Female Co-host]

Really a good cry, you need a good nap right afterwards or you need just to go to bed.

[Main Female Host]

You sleep heavy. But yeah, I woke up this morning and it's one of those things like I woke up up in my eyes, and I blinked a little bit, and I thought, well, they do feel a little funny, but I think they're okay. Like, I fooled myself into thinking they're okay, so. Because especially I can see. I can see. I could open them. But the remedy, though, of course, comes with the fact I knew I had to go to work this morning. So I got up and I went to the bathroom, and I was shocked at what I saw because I think that it is the worst swelling I've ever had after a cry. Because sometimes I can get in the shower or in an hour or two, it'll be fine. But I am in a low. I'm in a ball cap where the bill is over my eyes, so the shadows cover my eyes, because it is that bad. I went to the bathroom not too long ago, and it's still the.

[Female Co-host]

Check them out. The poofiness still.

[Main Female Host]

Yes. And so this morning, I thought One of my first thoughts was, I wish I knew a remedy that I could at least, you know, curb it a little bit. Because it looked so bad. Like, Katie actually got up to go get a drink of water, I guess, because the dogs made noise and woke her up. And then when she came back down the hall, I said, do you want to see my eyes? And she came in and she looked at him and she said, I've never seen him look like that. And then she said, do you want

[Safeway/Albertsons Announcer]

me to go slice you some cucumbers?

[Female Co-host]

Cucumbers do work, but you've got to be able to lay still with the cucumbers. If you put the cucumbers on your eyes and then, like, a cold, wet washcloth to kind of push them down, that definitely helps. But you gotta be able to lay down flat for however long.

[Main Female Host]

Yeah. And you don't have that time before work in the morning. Yes.

[Male Co-host]

Yeah.

[Female Co-host]

You can't do that at your office.

[Main Female Host]

So. Yeah. So basically, my question is. I mean, I know. Long story short, too late. Is that I do need a remedy for what I can put in my pantry in the bathroom in case this ever happens again.

[Lady Luck]

Quick fix.

[Main Female Host]

Yeah.

[Female Co-host]

Yeah. Like some sort of cream or some sort of.

[Main Female Host]

Because I thought if I was a TV personality, I'd had to call in sick.

[Female Co-host]

No, you couldn't go to work.

[Main Female Host]

I could not go to work. I don't see how TV people do it.

[Female Co-host]

They don't.

[Main Female Host]

Because women in tv, I mean, they have to cry. Right?

[Female Co-host]

I think. I don't know.

[Main Female Host]

They get to the point where they don't.

[Female Co-host]

I think they cut Off a lot of that anyway.

[Main Female Host]

That's my perception for survival.

[Female Co-host]

You know what? We should ask Karen and Jill about it.

[Main Female Host]

Yes, we'll ask Karen and Jill.

[Female Co-host]

Next time you do Skype, you gotta put that as your topic and ask them.

[Male Co-host]

Hey, Cheryl, welcome to the View. This is Delilah.

[Caller Cheryl]

3 o' clock in the morning, have to be at work by 9 and I have those swollen eyes. My remedy is if you get up in the morning, I've got a coffee filter. My coffee pot is set automatically. It starts to brew as soon as it's done. My alarm goes off. I go in there, grab the filter with the coffee grind still in it, set it on my eyes. It takes the swelling out of your eyes. Plus, if you're ever going out and you've got a bikini thing that you got to go, you got a little bit of cellulite problem. You can even lay the coffee grinds in the filter on and it decreases any puffiness or swelling.

[Main Female Host]

Really. Oh, man, that would have been great this morning. I had that.

[Female Co-host]

So you have to hold up the coffee filter with the grinds in it and put that on the place that's swollen.

[Main Female Host]

That's what she's saying.

[Female Co-host]

That's good. I wonder if that works for acne bumps too.

[Caller Tracy]

I don't know.

[Male Co-host]

Hey, Tracy, welcome to the show.

[Caller Tracy]

I don't know if this should be part of the Am I normal segment.

[Female Co-host]

Okay.

[Caller Tracy]

But preparation.

[Caller Cheryl]

Ho.

[Main Female Host]

I thought of that. I've heard that before.

[Female Co-host]

Really put that near your eyes.

[Caller Tracy]

You don't. You just put it like on the top of your eyelid, but you don't want to put it too close to the. Your eyelash so that eventually. And you don't put that much.

[Caller Cheryl]

Okay, that much.

[Caller Melissa]

Just a little dab.

[Caller Tracy]

Just kind of. You can actually just, you know, smooth it out on your fingers and then just kind of put it on your lids and it does. It works.

[Main Female Host]

Okay, I'm going to go get some. Put that in.

[Female Co-host]

But you got to go easy on that application. You don't want that in your eyeball. You don't want that to get on your eyelashes and then get into your eyes.

[Main Female Host]

Exactly.

[Caller Tracy]

But. But you just do it on. Just on the lid, just a little bit and just rub it in really good. You'll notice the difference.

[Female Co-host]

Do you do it underneath for the bags as well?

[Caller Tracy]

I've never done it underneath. I know I've done it because typically if I cry, my top lids are the issues. I'm always the really swollen one. So I've never done it underneath. But I mean, I can't imagine why you can't do it, but just don't put it near the lining of your eye.

[Caller Cheryl]

Right?

[Main Female Host]

Yeah. I described myself to these guys this morning as Rocky after a fight. I mean, my eyes literally top, bottom side, like, in my nose area, right there at the corner of my eye that swelled this morning. I look horrible.

[Female Co-host]

You cry pretty, though. I cry real ugly.

[Main Female Host]

You've never seen me cry that hard.

[Female Co-host]

Is there anybody I've seen you cry that hard? But I've seen you cry before, and you cry pretty, so just know that while you're crying, you look pretty. It's just afterwards, you gotta fix.

[Male Co-host]

When we finish this, can we.

[Female Co-host]

I got the whole thing ugly. I got the whole ugly cry thing. Like, we were talking to Joanna earlier, and producer Joanna says she cries. I'm like, yeah, but you cry pretty like one of those Hispanic soap operas.

[Male Co-host]

And she's just stabbing.

[Female Co-host]

Where it's just like, a little, you know, a little tear. My face is, like, splotchy, red, swollen. My nose is like Rudolph, like.

[Main Female Host]

So you can't go on the Bachelor?

[Female Co-host]

No.

[Main Female Host]

Oh, my God.

[Vert/Bluff]

Never.

[Female Co-host]

I could never go on one of those shows because they would give me enough wine to make me cry, and I would be like, the ugly crier is what they would have up there, like, as my name.

[Male Co-host]

Hey, Lindsay. Welcome to the show.

[Caller Melissa]

Hey. Hey, Melissa. I have this problem every single time I cry, and that works every day with me. Sometimes what I do, I take five minutes, and if you go get some green tea bags and wet them with cool water, take five minutes, put them on your eyes, and then it goes away within five minutes.

[Main Female Host]

And use cool water on that.

[Caller Melissa]

Yeah, cool water. Just get them a little bit cool. I actually read about this in Cosmo. Some, like, makeup person said that to do it like, any kind of swelling with your eyes, and I've done it ever since. It works every time.

[Main Female Host]

Fantastic. Thank you so much. And we're not laughing at you. We're like, what are you all laughing at? Drinking the tea afterwards or something?

[Female Co-host]

No, no, something else.

[Main Female Host]

I didn't catch it. Anyway, after this, can we.

[Caller Tracy]

You know what?

[Main Female Host]

I'm not putting that on my eye. I can tell you that. I don't give a damn how swollen they are. They ain't going nowhere near my eye. I do want to say. And I got an email. Jeff is so uncomfortable.

[Male Co-host]

I know. Can we do. Can we look for things that will reduce my growing vagina after this segment? I got some sort of cream or salve or surgery or Anything?

[Main Female Host]

I got an email from a listener who said that Mary Kay actually sells a product called Indulging Soothing Eye Gel for the better purpose.

[Female Co-host]

It doesn't even matter how expensive it is.

[Main Female Host]

Yeah, you gotta take out a loan and buy it. Yes.

[Male Co-host]

Hey, Kelly.

[Caller Tracy]

Yes, how are you?

[Main Female Host]

Hi.

[Caller Cheryl]

Hi.

[Male Co-host]

What's up?

[Caller Melissa]

Nothing much. Mayonnaise works very well for swollen eyes.

[Spin Quest Announcer]

Really?

[Female Co-host]

Oh, isn't it oily?

[Caller Melissa]

From the fridge.

[Female Co-host]

So wait, so you put it on there for how long and then you got to wash it off? Obviously doesn't sink in.

[Caller Tracy]

No.

[Caller Melissa]

5, 10 minutes.

[Caller Tracy]

My mom used to do it with

[Caller Melissa]

me when I was younger. I got stung by bee and found out that I was allergic to him and my eyes sloped shut. And the next day at school was picture day.

[Male Co-host]

Oops, I just disconnected her. Sorry.

[Main Female Host]

Huh.

[Caller Melissa]

And 10 minutes it was gone.

[Main Female Host]

Really? Okay, cold mayo.

[Female Co-host]

Cold mayo and wash it off. I like that.

[Main Female Host]

Okay, cool. Thank you so much.

[Female Co-host]

Everybody's got a jar.

[Main Female Host]

See, I had mayonnaise this morning. I may have had green tea bags somewhere. And the coffee filters are.

[Vert/Bluff]

So if you came, if you came

[Male Co-host]

in smelling like green tea, mayonnaise, and Leah here is saying the cucumbers, I would have gotten hungry.

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