Vault: He's Bad in Bed

Summary

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The Bert Show – "Vault: He's Bad in Bed"

Date: November 4, 2025
Cast: Bert, Jessica, Co-hosts, Callers
Note: This summary skips advertisements and sponsor segments.

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Episode Overview

In this episode, The Bert Show tackles a candid and often avoided subject: what happens when you’re in an otherwise perfect relationship, but your partner is consistently bad in bed? The hosts and callers debate whether a long-term relationship can survive with poor sexual compatibility, share personal stories, and discuss the challenges of communication and improvement in intimate relationships. The conversation is honest, relatable, and laced with classic Bert Show humor.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The “Bad in Bed” Dilemma

• [01:44] Situation Set-Up

  • Bert introduces a scenario relayed by intern Alexis (not present). Her friend is dating an ideal guy in every way except sexually:

    “The guy who was, like, pretty perfect in every area ... but he was really, really, really bad in bed.” – Bert [02:17]

  • The friend has given it several chances, hoping things would improve, but now dreads intimacy with him.

• [02:54] Exploring “First Time Jitters”

  • Jessica and Bert discuss how the first sexual encounter can sometimes be awkward, “...the first time that you ever have sex with somebody is probably the worst it’s going to be with that person.” – Bert [02:54]
  • But by the third time, anxiety turns to dread and doubt.

Can You Have a Good Relationship with Bad Sex?

• [03:51] Advice from Hosts

  • Jessica suggests trying to help or gently “coach” a partner but acknowledges the nerves around hurting egos:

    “Sometimes women are afraid to talk to their guys about improvements they can make... But I think you gotta be able to tell the other person what you like and don’t like.” – Jessica [03:51]

  • Bert observes men often miss subtle hints and that clear communication is necessary.

• [04:58] Communication Tips

  • Co-host encourages directness:

    “Don’t be subtle. ... Like, guys aren’t going to [pick up on it]. ... You don’t have to be rude, but you don’t have to be subtle.” – Co-host [04:58]

  • Bert: “We want to know that we’re good, but we can be better... Don’t tell us we suck. And here’s how to get good.” [05:23]

• [05:50] Is Sex Overrated in Relationships?

  • They analyze whether sexual compatibility is superficial or a core part of long-term bonds:

    “We think, like, sex is a superficial part of somebody or a relationship, and it’s not... To me, sex is right there. I mean, that’s a pretty big part of the equation.” – Bert [07:30]

Audience Calls: Real-World Perspectives

Kelly’s Take: “You Can’t Shortchange That Part of Life”

• [06:20] Kelly calls in to insist that missing sexual fulfillment eventually damages a relationship:

  “If long term things don’t change, she is always going to feel like there’s something she’s missing, and that is a really fulfilling part of a long term monogamous relationship.” – Kelly [06:21]

  • Jessica worries that the lack could make someone more vulnerable to outside temptation:

    “You could be pulled away from that marriage easier... If someone came in and there was all this chemistry...” – Jessica [06:48]

Art’s Perspective: “Take the Good with the Bad”

• [07:51] Art calls to say that over time, sexual activity may naturally decrease, so relationships shouldn’t be “all about sex.”

  “As people get older, their sex life wanes... If you find somebody you can spend the next 30 years with, then you gotta filter out what's most important to you.” – Art [07:53]

  • Bert and the co-host counter that at the start, sexual chemistry matters more, before a “structure” of lasting emotional bonds is built.

Stephanie’s Call: 15 Years of “Making Do”

• [09:06] Stephanie, on voice disguiser, gives a raw, personal account:

  “I’ve been married to the same man for 15 years, and the sex has sucked for 15 years... You can only stare up at the ceiling and pretend it’s Mel Gibson so often.” – Stephanie [09:12]

  • Bert asks if she tried to talk about it:

    “Have you talked to him about that?” – Co-host
    “Oh, absolutely.” – Stephanie [10:29]
    “He’s just not receptive to making any change.” – Jessica [10:33]

  • Stephanie compares sexual skill to sports ability–“if you don’t got it, you don’t got it.” [10:56]

  • Despite the lack of fulfillment, she never cheated, staying “for the vow” and for her kids.

    “Never. I wouldn’t do that. I do value my vows with my husband, and I would never cheat on him, but it helps to just pretend you’re there with someone else.” – Stephanie [11:37]

  • She admits sometimes she’d get drunk to get through it, and now just “pretends” to manage:

    “Sometimes it’s easier to just get drunk... You pretend you’re with someone else. That’s sad.” – Stephanie [12:14]

  • On “faking it,” Stephanie uses her imagination, but the hosts express sympathy:

    “That’s sad. I’m sad for you. I really am. That sucks.” – Bert [14:13]

  • Final advice:

    “Just tell her to go while the going’s good. I’ve made my bed. I can lay in it, but no one else should have to.” – Stephanie [14:17]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Direct Talk on Coaching Partners

  • "Anybody in any way is coachable, if you’re open to being coachable... It’s just being open to it and being receptive to constructive criticism." – Jessica [14:55]
  • "Your bedroom is, like, the last place in the world that you should have any kind of ego at all." – Bert [15:17]

• Humorous/Sad Listener Stories

  • “Her husband was so bad in bed that every time he wanted to have sex, she’d run to the refrigerator and put ketchup in her underwear... and tell him it was that time of the month.” – Bert [14:31]

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Chronological Breakdown with Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment Summary | |------------|----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:44 | Bert introduces Alexis’ friend’s dilemma | | 02:53 | Hosts discuss “first time jitters” and repeated bad experiences | | 03:51 | Jessica suggests women should try coaching their partners | | 04:37 | Bert asserts men miss subtle cues; co-hosts debate need for clear honesty | | 05:50 | Bert reframes: is bad sex a dealbreaker even when everything else is perfect? | | 06:19 | Kelly calls: argues long-term unhappiness is inevitable with bad sex | | 07:51 | Art calls: says sexual compatibility wanes, but hosts argue it matters most early on | | 09:06 | Stephanie’s story: 15 years in a sexless, unsatisfying marriage, failed attempts to fix it | | 14:13 | Bert expresses sympathy for Stephanie’s situation | | 14:17 | Stephanie offers stark advice: “get out while the going’s good” | | 14:31 | Hosts recall another listener’s extreme avoidance tactic (ketchup in underwear) | | 14:55 | Jessica’s closing on coachability and ego in the bedroom | | 15:17 | Bert’s closing thoughts on the importance of leaving ego out of the bedroom |

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Conclusion & Takeaways

• Sexual Compatibility Matters: Across hosts and callers, the consensus is that sexual fulfillment is crucial for most people in a long-term, monogamous relationship.
• Communication is Key: Both subtle and direct communication styles were discussed, but direct, kind honesty is deemed the most effective.
• Coaching is Possible, Ego is the Enemy: Improvement is possible if both parties are willing, but ego often blocks progress.
• Personal Sacrifice is Real, but Not Desirable: Stephanie’s candid story illustrates the emotional toll of staying in a sexually unsatisfying marriage, even when love exists.

Final advice for listeners: If you’re at the start of a relationship and facing these issues, don’t assume it’ll work itself out – communicate, be honest, and don’t settle thinking things will magically improve without effort.

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Memorable moment:
“You can only stare up at the ceiling and pretend it’s Mel Gibson so often.” – Stephanie [09:12]

Classic Bert Show humor:
“Her husband was so bad in bed... she’d run to the refrigerator and put ketchup in her underwear...” – Bert [14:31]

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This episode provides an honest, funny, and sometimes sobering look at an important relationship question, leaving listeners with both practical advice and plenty to ponder.

Transcript

[Bert]

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[Co-host]

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[Bert]

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[Jessica]

Selfies check please.

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[Bert]

The Bird show so intern Alexis is not here to speak for herself, but I want to relay to you guys a situation that she's in right now with some of her friends. Right? And of course she detailed it to me, so I'm going to mess up a whole bunch of the information. But she's not here to clarify.

[Co-host]

This is similar. This is vaguely similar to whatever Alexis is going through, but it's been embellished quite a bit to make it good for the radio.

[Bert]

I think I can. I think I've got the gist of it and the gist of the question that she has. And it goes something like this. Like, she's got a friend that's Probably, I'm guessing, 23, 24, 25 years old and been dating this guy for a couple of months. And the guy who was like, pretty perfect in every area, I'm guessing everything that she likes in a guy, this was the dude. Right height, right sensitivity, fun dude, smart dude, great across the board. But he was really, really, really bad in bed. Really bad in bed. And she waited it out because, you know, that first time, sometimes things don't work out so well. You're like, that's cool. I mean, the guy's so good, you know, in other areas, I'm sure this was just like first time jitters type thing. Didn't work out so well. So.

[Jessica]

Stage fright or something?

[Bert]

Maybe could be because I'm under that impression also. Like, the first time that you ever have sex with somebody is probably the worst. It's going to be with that person. Right. All right, so second time didn't get any better. Third time, now she's dreading having to sleep with this guy, but she's really conflicted because he's just not getting any better. They've just started this relationship, really. So they're not at a point in the relationship where she can say, look, here's where you. You, here's what you need to do, or point them in the right direction. So the question she wanted to ask was, is it possible to have a really great relationship, solid relationship with somebody, even. Maybe even a marriage with the sex being absolutely horrible? 404,741 1005 Now, I want to get Jessica on for this, but I don't. You know what? That's such an important part of every relationship. I don't know that if she was asking me, I say, I would say no.

[Jessica]

I would. I would say no overall. But I would also ask Alexis's friend if she had tried to. To make improvements. Because sometimes women are afraid to talk to their guys about improvements they can make in certain areas. And sometimes guys. Guys are receptive to it, and other times they're not. If he's going to bruise his ego too much and he's going to run away anyway. Well, there you go. You have your answer. But I think. Don't you think there's some stuff that you can be coached on. Or you can say this way is great, but that way's not. Or what if we try this or slow down here? You know, I mean, you can sort of, I think, coach or give direction over time, and that goes both way. Men for women, you know, I mean, there's certain things that you guys are gonna like or certain things that you're not. And I think you gotta be able to tell the other person what it is that you like and what it is you don't like.

[Bert]

See, here's where guys are guilty of just not paying attention, because I think that the women that you're with are giving you subtle hints all the time while things are going on. On what they like and what they don't like if they mean to or not, but don't. If your antenna is up, you should be able to tell. But I don't know that we're really. We have the. We haven't made the switch.

[Co-host]

But the thing is, don't be. For women. Like, when you're dealing with guys, don't be subtle. Like. Like, I think women, when they're dealing with other women, like, whether it be in the workplace or, like, friends or whatever, like, they try to be subtle and dance around and be polite or whatever. Like, guys aren't going to. I mean, there's. I don't. Don't be rude, but you don't have to be subtle.

[Bert]

We want to know that we're good, but we can be better. Don't tell us we suck. And here's how to get good. Right? Exactly.

[Co-host]

Bert put it perfectly, like, hey, you know. You know what would make next time we do this a lot better? Little guidance. So not like, God, you know what? I really, really like feathers. Like, and then have that be said over dinner. And then you get mad when, you know, the guy doesn't tickle you with a feather like, four days later, like, no.

[Bert]

The question really is that Alexis friend has. Is, can a relationship work long term? If everything's great in the relationship, things are fine, but sexually, oh, it's just such a drag, and there's nothing you can do. Now, the trump card in this equation that we don't have is how long they were going out. But I think if the overall question is, can you have a healthy relationship if the sex sucks? Is still pretty valid. It doesn't matter the timetable on it.

[Co-host]

Knowing Alexis and the circle of friends she runs in, they've probably been dating a week now.

[Bert]

Hey, Kelly.

[Co-host]

Good morning.

[Caller Stephanie]

Hi.

[Caller Kelly]

I want to tell you guys, I Love your show. And I had to call in. I definitely have an opinion. I think the key word here is long term. And I think that if long term things don't change, she is always going to feel like there's something she's missing, and that is a really fulfilling part of a long term monogamous relationship. And if she always feels like she's missing out or things are not satisfying, I think that the relationship overall will suffer.

[Jessica]

I agree with you. Don't you think, too, that if it was overtime and you went into a marriage where you were great friends, everything was great, but there was nothing, you know, going on in the bedroom that you could be pulled away from that marriage easier? If someone came in and there was all this chemistry and they were sweet, you know, all this, like, sexual tension and all this stuff going on or what? You know what I mean? Like, somebody could sweep you off your feet a little bit faster, don't you think?

[Caller Kelly]

Absolutely. I cannot disagree with that at all. And I just think that, you know, you can't shortchange that part of your life. And you want to be the person who rises above and says, gosh, there's so many other wonderful things about this person, but you really just can't shortchange that part of your relationship.

[Bert]

Yeah, I think that's the flaw in the thinking right there. For some reason, we think, like, sex is a superficial part of somebody or a relationship, and it's not like you want to say all the other stuff that matters so much. He's got such a great heart. He's so sensitive. Well, to me, sex is right there. I mean, that's a pretty big part of the equation. It's not superficial at all, you know. Hey, Art. Good morning. You're on the Burt Show. What's up?

[Caller Art]

Hello.

[Bert]

Yup.

[Caller Art]

Hey. What I wanted to say was, you know, part of being in a relationship is taking the good and the bad sometimes. You know, as people get older, their sex life, Wayne's, you get to be 40 years old, Amanda's, his sex life goes out the door a little bit. Women, the same thing. I mean, sex always going to be there. And if you find somebody that you can spend the next 30 years with, then, you know, you got to sort of filter out what's most important to you.

[Bert]

So what you're saying is you can have a really great relationship with the sex just pretty much sucking.

[Caller Art]

Well, let me ask you this. What would happen if something were to happen to your partner, like into an accident and they no longer can be sexually Active. That's something to consider. I mean, sex life can be taken away immediately.

[Bert]

I think you're asking a different question.

[Co-host]

Two totally different things. Like, now you're asking someone to make the investment at the beginning. Like when. When that huge lifetime bond hasn't been built. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's like. It's like you're building, like, you. Like, it's like building a structure, and you add to that structure every month that you're together. So when would you rather, I guess, abandon building that. For lack of a better word, three months into it or 30 years into it? You're not going to. 30 years into it.

[Bert]

Yeah. The circumstances.

[Co-host]

Does that make sense?

[Bert]

Yeah. We are gonna call this virtual listener Stephanie. And she is on the voice disguiser. Hi, Stephanie.

[Caller Stephanie]

Hi, Bert. I just wanted to say I love you guys. And she needs to get rid of that guy. I've been married to the same man for 50, and the sex has sucked for 15 years, and it's hard to fake it. You can only stare up at the ceiling and pretend it's Mel Gibson so often.

[Bert]

But isn't some of this your fault? Like, I'm assuming he wasn't great before you got married and you made the decision to get married to a guy that sucked in bed.

[Caller Stephanie]

Yep, that's true. But I did love him. And I thought I could make it. I don't know, make it right, make it good. When you love someone enough, you think anything's possible. And unfortunately, I think it's hard to teach guys new tricks. Some just aren't willing to learn. Others are. I'm not saying that there aren't a lot of guys out there that wouldn't be open for suggestions, but bottom line, if you just don't got it, you don't got it.

[Bert]

You've tried to guide him in the right direction, and he just isn't listening.

[Caller Stephanie]

No, no, no, no, no. It's quick and over. And, you know, as long as. As long as the man's happy, that's all that matters.

[Co-host]

Have you talked to him about that?

[Caller Stephanie]

Oh, absolutely.

[Co-host]

Okay.

[Jessica]

He's just not receptive to making any change.

[Caller Stephanie]

Well, he. I don't want to say he doesn't try, but, you know, when. When you done got it, how do you. How do you make it better?

[Bert]

So what you're saying is, like, there are just some people that will never get better because this is just not something they're ever going to be good at. Like, you got it.

[Caller Stephanie]

You got it. Just like, you know if you're good in sports, you're just naturally good in things. And if you don't. Got it, I don't know. You know, you can't. You can practice, practice, practice, but that doesn't make you a good football player or a good soccer player.

[Bert]

That's a great question for another time. Like taking calls on if they agree or disagree with you, that if you're bad, you'll always be bad. Or if there are some. That doesn't matter. I mean, in your experience, doesn't matter how hard he tries. This is just something he sucks at. Let me ask you this.

[Caller Stephanie]

You got it?

[Bert]

Has it? And you're on the voice disguiser, so I hope you can answer this honestly. Has the sex been so bad that you have gone outside of your relationship?

[Caller Stephanie]

Never.

[Bert]

Never?

[Caller Stephanie]

Never. I wouldn't do that. I do bow my vows with my husband, and I would never cheat on him, but it helps to just pretend you're there with someone else.

[Co-host]

Have you. Have you considered it?

[Caller Stephanie]

Never. Never. Not that. Well, I shouldn't say never, but I'd have to get divorced. I could never just cheat on him.

[Jessica]

Right.

[Bert]

So you must dread, like, the nights that he's coming on to you. There must be, like, this small little panic that comes up over you that has to suffer through this.

[Hers Medication Announcer]

Yeah.

[Caller Stephanie]

Sometimes it's easier to just get drunk. I have to say, when I was younger, first married, you know, when you get nice and drunk, it would certainly make it easier. But now the older you get, you just pretend that you're with someone else that's sad. And make it what you want it to be, which is sad.

[Jessica]

But are you guys.

[Caller Stephanie]

When you have kids involved and you do love the person, you make it work.

[Jessica]

Are you all at.

[Caller Stephanie]

That's why I'm saying she's dating the guy. Get out while the going's good.

[Jessica]

Are you at a stage where there's no talking or coaching anymore? It's just like you've sort of put up a wall and he sort of put up a wall.

[Caller Stephanie]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Jessica]

Because I was gonna say, even at this point, if you guys got, like, a coach or, you know, I mean, they have people like that, like sex therapists and stuff that can help couples. But if you guys have both put up a mental wall, even if he gets better, you might not be receptive to it. I don't know.

[Caller Stephanie]

I don't know, because I guess it's that. That old line, you can't teach an.

[Jessica]

Old dog new tricks, but you also can't. I mean, you also can't always keep that in your mind. If he is willing to improve.

[Caller Stephanie]

If he was willing to improve.

[Jessica]

Yeah. If he was willing.

[Caller Stephanie]

When he. I don't know how to say it. When you have someone that wouldn't be open to those options, it. You know, it doesn't.

[Jessica]

Right.

[Caller Stephanie]

It doesn't matter. And I mean, but in 15 years, I. Of course, I've never told him that it sucks. I mean, I don't want to kill his ego completely.

[Jessica]

Right.

[Bert]

Let me ask you a deeply personal question. Have you had a big O in 15 years?

[Caller Stephanie]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because I have a great imagination.

[Co-host]

Okay, so you had. You do it with. You have it with. With him.

[Caller Stephanie]

Yes.

[Bert]

Technically.

[Caller Stephanie]

Technically.

[Bert]

That's sad. I'm sad for you. I really am. That sucks. That really does. I'm sorry.

[Caller Stephanie]

Well, just tell her to go while the going's good. I've made my bed. I can lay in it, but no one else should have to.

[Bert]

Good advice for somebody that's there.

[Jessica]

Thank you very much for being so honest.

[Caller Stephanie]

Okay, take care.

[Bert]

Bye. Bye. Do you remember that one virtual listener we had on one time that her husband was so bad in bed that every time he wanted to have sex, she'd run to the refrigerator.

[Jessica]

Yes.

[Bert]

And she'd put ketchup in her underwear.

[Jessica]

No.

[Bert]

Every time. And tell them that it was every time. And it was that time of the month.

[Jessica]

Oh, that's so sad.

[Co-host]

What about this woman who spent most of her married life getting drunk before they did it? Same thing.

[Jessica]

Well, I just think that anybody in any way is coachable. If you're open to being coachable. I mean, we've talked about it in different. Completely different scenarios. Not sexual or not in the bedroom at all, but, like, guests that we would have in here that are coachable or others that aren't coachable, because it's just being open to it and being receptive to constructive criticism.

[Bert]

To me, that, like, your bedroom is, like, the last place in the world that you should have any kind of ego at all. You know what I'm saying? Any kind of ego at all. And so many different levels.

[Jessica]

Guys have to remember that, too.

[Bert]

The Birch Show. Dude, did you order the new iPhone 17 Pro?

[Co-host]

Got it from Verizon, the best 5G network in America.

[Bert]

I never looked so good. You look the same. But with this camera, everything looks better. Especially me. You haven't changed your hair in 15 years.

[Jessica]

Selfies check, please.

[Verizon Announcer]

With Verizon. Get the new iPhone 17 Pro. Designed to be the most powerful iPhone ever. Plus a new iPad and Apple One. No trade in needed. Offer ends November 5th with a new line on unlimited Ultimate Best 5G scores. Route Metrics Data United States 2020 25. All rights reserved. Additional terms apply for all offers. See verizon.com for details.

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