The Bert Show – "Vault: He's Bad in Bed"

Date: November 4, 2025
Cast: Bert, Jessica, Co-hosts, Callers
Note: This summary skips advertisements and sponsor segments.

Episode Overview

In this episode, The Bert Show tackles a candid and often avoided subject: what happens when you’re in an otherwise perfect relationship, but your partner is consistently bad in bed? The hosts and callers debate whether a long-term relationship can survive with poor sexual compatibility, share personal stories, and discuss the challenges of communication and improvement in intimate relationships. The conversation is honest, relatable, and laced with classic Bert Show humor.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The “Bad in Bed” Dilemma

• [01:44] Situation Set-Up

  • Bert introduces a scenario relayed by intern Alexis (not present). Her friend is dating an ideal guy in every way except sexually:

    “The guy who was, like, pretty perfect in every area ... but he was really, really, really bad in bed.” – Bert [02:17]

  • The friend has given it several chances, hoping things would improve, but now dreads intimacy with him.

• [02:54] Exploring “First Time Jitters”

  • Jessica and Bert discuss how the first sexual encounter can sometimes be awkward, “...the first time that you ever have sex with somebody is probably the worst it’s going to be with that person.” – Bert [02:54]
  • But by the third time, anxiety turns to dread and doubt.

Can You Have a Good Relationship with Bad Sex?

• [03:51] Advice from Hosts

  • Jessica suggests trying to help or gently “coach” a partner but acknowledges the nerves around hurting egos:

    “Sometimes women are afraid to talk to their guys about improvements they can make... But I think you gotta be able to tell the other person what you like and don’t like.” – Jessica [03:51]

  • Bert observes men often miss subtle hints and that clear communication is necessary.

• [04:58] Communication Tips

  • Co-host encourages directness:

    “Don’t be subtle. ... Like, guys aren’t going to [pick up on it]. ... You don’t have to be rude, but you don’t have to be subtle.” – Co-host [04:58]

  • Bert: “We want to know that we’re good, but we can be better... Don’t tell us we suck. And here’s how to get good.” [05:23]

• [05:50] Is Sex Overrated in Relationships?

  • They analyze whether sexual compatibility is superficial or a core part of long-term bonds:

    “We think, like, sex is a superficial part of somebody or a relationship, and it’s not... To me, sex is right there. I mean, that’s a pretty big part of the equation.” – Bert [07:30]

Audience Calls: Real-World Perspectives

Kelly’s Take: “You Can’t Shortchange That Part of Life”

• [06:20] Kelly calls in to insist that missing sexual fulfillment eventually damages a relationship:

  “If long term things don’t change, she is always going to feel like there’s something she’s missing, and that is a really fulfilling part of a long term monogamous relationship.” – Kelly [06:21]

  • Jessica worries that the lack could make someone more vulnerable to outside temptation:

    “You could be pulled away from that marriage easier... If someone came in and there was all this chemistry...” – Jessica [06:48]

Art’s Perspective: “Take the Good with the Bad”

• [07:51] Art calls to say that over time, sexual activity may naturally decrease, so relationships shouldn’t be “all about sex.”

  “As people get older, their sex life wanes... If you find somebody you can spend the next 30 years with, then you gotta filter out what's most important to you.” – Art [07:53]

  • Bert and the co-host counter that at the start, sexual chemistry matters more, before a “structure” of lasting emotional bonds is built.

Stephanie’s Call: 15 Years of “Making Do”

• [09:06] Stephanie, on voice disguiser, gives a raw, personal account:

  “I’ve been married to the same man for 15 years, and the sex has sucked for 15 years... You can only stare up at the ceiling and pretend it’s Mel Gibson so often.” – Stephanie [09:12]

  • Bert asks if she tried to talk about it:

    “Have you talked to him about that?” – Co-host
    “Oh, absolutely.” – Stephanie [10:29]
    “He’s just not receptive to making any change.” – Jessica [10:33]

  • Stephanie compares sexual skill to sports ability–“if you don’t got it, you don’t got it.” [10:56]

  • Despite the lack of fulfillment, she never cheated, staying “for the vow” and for her kids.

    “Never. I wouldn’t do that. I do value my vows with my husband, and I would never cheat on him, but it helps to just pretend you’re there with someone else.” – Stephanie [11:37]

  • She admits sometimes she’d get drunk to get through it, and now just “pretends” to manage:

    “Sometimes it’s easier to just get drunk... You pretend you’re with someone else. That’s sad.” – Stephanie [12:14]

  • On “faking it,” Stephanie uses her imagination, but the hosts express sympathy:

    “That’s sad. I’m sad for you. I really am. That sucks.” – Bert [14:13]

  • Final advice:

    “Just tell her to go while the going’s good. I’ve made my bed. I can lay in it, but no one else should have to.” – Stephanie [14:17]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Direct Talk on Coaching Partners

  • "Anybody in any way is coachable, if you’re open to being coachable... It’s just being open to it and being receptive to constructive criticism." – Jessica [14:55]
  • "Your bedroom is, like, the last place in the world that you should have any kind of ego at all." – Bert [15:17]

• Humorous/Sad Listener Stories

  • “Her husband was so bad in bed that every time he wanted to have sex, she’d run to the refrigerator and put ketchup in her underwear... and tell him it was that time of the month.” – Bert [14:31]

Chronological Breakdown with Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment Summary | |------------|----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:44 | Bert introduces Alexis’ friend’s dilemma | | 02:53 | Hosts discuss “first time jitters” and repeated bad experiences | | 03:51 | Jessica suggests women should try coaching their partners | | 04:37 | Bert asserts men miss subtle cues; co-hosts debate need for clear honesty | | 05:50 | Bert reframes: is bad sex a dealbreaker even when everything else is perfect? | | 06:19 | Kelly calls: argues long-term unhappiness is inevitable with bad sex | | 07:51 | Art calls: says sexual compatibility wanes, but hosts argue it matters most early on | | 09:06 | Stephanie’s story: 15 years in a sexless, unsatisfying marriage, failed attempts to fix it | | 14:13 | Bert expresses sympathy for Stephanie’s situation | | 14:17 | Stephanie offers stark advice: “get out while the going’s good” | | 14:31 | Hosts recall another listener’s extreme avoidance tactic (ketchup in underwear) | | 14:55 | Jessica’s closing on coachability and ego in the bedroom | | 15:17 | Bert’s closing thoughts on the importance of leaving ego out of the bedroom |

Conclusion & Takeaways

• Sexual Compatibility Matters: Across hosts and callers, the consensus is that sexual fulfillment is crucial for most people in a long-term, monogamous relationship.
• Communication is Key: Both subtle and direct communication styles were discussed, but direct, kind honesty is deemed the most effective.
• Coaching is Possible, Ego is the Enemy: Improvement is possible if both parties are willing, but ego often blocks progress.
• Personal Sacrifice is Real, but Not Desirable: Stephanie’s candid story illustrates the emotional toll of staying in a sexually unsatisfying marriage, even when love exists.

Final advice for listeners: If you’re at the start of a relationship and facing these issues, don’t assume it’ll work itself out – communicate, be honest, and don’t settle thinking things will magically improve without effort.

Memorable moment:
“You can only stare up at the ceiling and pretend it’s Mel Gibson so often.” – Stephanie [09:12]

Classic Bert Show humor:
“Her husband was so bad in bed... she’d run to the refrigerator and put ketchup in her underwear...” – Bert [14:31]

This episode provides an honest, funny, and sometimes sobering look at an important relationship question, leaving listeners with both practical advice and plenty to ponder.