Vault: He's Ready For Marriage, But He's Missing The Most Important Thing

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: He's Ready For Marriage, But He's Missing The Most Important Thing

Date: February 16, 2026

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Episode Overview

This lively and humorous Bert Show episode centers around Trey, a 35-year-old single man who, with a push from his best friend Joel, is attempting to get married by a set date - January 17. The twist? Trey doesn’t have a bride-to-be and is letting The Bert Show and its listeners help find one. The episode explores themes of friendship, commitment, personal growth, and the comedic trials of modern romance, all while brainstorming how this “radio Bachelor”-style challenge might work.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting Up Trey's Marriage Challenge

• Joel’s Intervention: Joel, tired of Trey’s annual claims of “this is the year I get married,” takes matters into his own hands by sending out “save the date” cards for Trey’s wedding - even though Trey has no fiancée yet. (01:23–01:45)
• Reality Show Inspiration: The crew likens the process to “The Bachelor,” suggesting a screening and matchmaking process. Joel has already signed Trey up on various dating sites, eager to find suitable contestants. (02:01–02:45)
• Trey’s Personality: The hosts and Joel paint Trey as fun and a bit wild, speculating he’d be “the guy in costume at his kid’s football game, wasted at 9 in the morning.” The consensus: it’ll take a specific, equally fun woman to match Trey’s spirit. (03:31–04:11)

2. Getting Trey On Board

• Trey’s Reaction: Surprised but game, Trey joins the conversation:
  • “I want to get married. I’m gonna get married in January… I guess it’s kind of escalated to this.” (05:29–05:42, Trey)
• The ‘Goal-Oriented’ Theory: The team discusses the idea that a hard set wedding date will help Trey focus and get serious about commitment.
  • “It’s time to grow up, guys.” (06:25, Trey)
• Motivation: Trey cites his age, readiness for a family, and desire to stop procrastinating:
  • “I’ve dated, got that out of my system… I want a family eventually… I can’t keep dating Joel anymore.” (06:36–06:56, Trey)

3. Commitment & Stakes for The Show

• The Challenge’s Scope: Hosts debate if the segment is interesting and sustainable for six months (the time until the wedding). Consensus is: Yes.
• Commitment Confirmed:
  • “I will get married on January 17. I will do that.” (07:36, Trey)
  • “I think that gives me enough time to find somebody… Goal setting as well.” (07:36–08:08, Trey)
• Listener Involvement: The group considers organizing the search “Bachelor/Bachelorette style,” crowdsourcing both candidates and eventually letting the Bert Show community engage in the decision process. (12:29–12:37)

4. Who Is Trey Looking For?

• Requirements: Trey says he’s not particular, just wants someone with “good chemistry” and a shared sense of humor. Age is not a significant issue, but he jokes certain age ranges may be “a little difficult.” (08:26–10:07)
  • “Just someone that I can get along with… If I can find somebody with good chemistry that make me laugh a little bit that I find attractive, I think we’re good to go.” (08:26–08:46, Trey)
• Listener Amy Calls In: Amy, a divorced 33-year-old listener, calls to say Trey “piqued my interest.” She loves people who can make her laugh, underlining that Trey’s appeal is very real to the audience. (10:41–11:10)

5. Logistics and Next Steps

• Contest Format: The team toys with narrowing down “the top 25,” letting Trey have final say, and involving the audience but jokes about the perpetual technical issues with their website. (12:06–12:47)
• Commitment Check (Again):
  • “I need to hear the words come out of your mouth that you will get married on that date.” (14:29–14:36, Host)
  • “I will get married on that date.” (14:36, Trey)
• Vegas Wedding Plans: The wedding in Vegas will include costumes, a night of partying, and an early morning ceremony. (14:04–14:29)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “He’s the guy that in 10 years is at his 12 year old’s football game…completely wasted at 9 in the morning.”

  • Joel describing Trey’s personality.
    (03:43, Joel)

• "I want to get married. I'm gonna get married in January… I guess it's kind of escalated to this."

  • Trey reacting to the save-the-dates already being sent.
    (05:29–05:42, Trey)

• “It’s time to grow up, guys.”

  • Trey on why he’s ready for marriage.
    (06:25, Trey)

• “I will get married on January 17. I will do that. But what happens between now and then is a little scary.”

  • Trey confirming his commitment, with comic hesitation.
    (07:36, Trey)

• “If you’re a girl and you like to laugh, that’s cool. If you’re into looks, don’t go to my setup.”

  • Trey, self-deprecating as ever.
    (09:52, Trey)

• “You are nothing but a piece of meat to us.”

  • Host poking fun at how Trey’s journey is now a show segment.
    (11:26, Host)

• “The premise is on the 17th, we show up in the lobby… everybody absolutely has to dress up in costume. Then we go get completely plowed, and then…get married at 5am on Sunday.”

  • Joel outlining the outrageous wedding plan.
    (14:04–14:29, Joel)

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Important Segments & Timestamps

| Segment | Timestamps | Summary | |--------------------------|-------------------|-----------------------------------------------------------------| | Joel presents idea | 01:23–01:45 | Joel announces the save-the-date wedding for Trey | | Trey joins and reacts | 05:12–06:10 | Trey learns about and reacts to Joel’s plan | | Trey’s commitment | 07:36–08:08 | Trey says “I will get married on January 17” | | Trey’s ideal woman | 08:26–10:07 | Trey describes who he’s looking for | | Listener Amy calls in | 10:41–11:10 | Amy expresses interest in dating Trey | | Show’s big picture debate| 12:06–13:11 | Hosts decide if they’ll make this a six-month recurring segment | | Final commitment | 14:29–14:36 | Trey again confirms he’ll marry on the set date | | Vegas wedding plan | 14:04–14:29 | Joel details wedding festivities and logistics |

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Tone & Language

The episode is full of friendly jabs, self-deprecating humor, open banter, and organic, fast-paced conversation. The camaraderie among hosts, Trey, Joel, and callers is genuine and playful, making the concept both entertaining and oddly heartfelt.

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Summary

In this episode, The Bert Show kicks off a unique social experiment: setting up their friend Trey to marry a yet-to-be-discovered bride with a concrete deadline. With Joel driving the scheme, the show commits to following this journey for the next six months, inviting listeners to participate, and promising plenty of hijinks, personal growth, and, possibly, romance. Trey’s earnest but comedic willingness (“It’s time to grow up, guys”), his open-mindedness about potential partners, and the prospect of a costume-studded Vegas wedding set the stage for what promises to be an unforgettable radio ride.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Hey, the Birch Show. No shortage of women lining up already. I told you to go out with Trey. I told you sight unseen.

[A]

The radio Bachelor.

[B]

Sorta. It could be. We will talk more about Trey and his best friend Joel's idea. His idea is he's gotta save the date for his best friend. He's sick of hearing his best friend Trey say, this is the year I'm getting married. I'm gonna find a girl. This is the year. So what Trey has done is he has gone out and he has already sent out the save the dates for.

[D]

Joel has done that for Trey.

[B]

Yeah. Joel has done a fortray for a save the date for a wedding in January. All that's missing is the girl. Joel, this is your idea. So what are we missing here?

[C]

What.

[B]

What else do you need to add before we get Trey on and really sort of like, contemplate if this is something we want to do or not?

[C]

You know, I think one of the things that we kind of chatted with some of his buddies about is, you know, we need to set this up a lot like the Bachelor in the fact that, you know, kind of have a screening process. I've signed him up on Facebook, MySpace, Match.com, eHarmony, all of them. So, you know, one of the things that we want to do is we want to see, you know, kind ofstarts sexy encountertonight.com. yeah, exactly. He's already on that one. But we want to figure out a way to kind of screen who's coming in and figure out, you know, who's. Obviously. Because it's going to take a certain type of person that will accept Trey because he is. He's a handful. He's a great guy, but, you know, he's. He's somebody that. How long have the two fit?

[E]

How long have you two been dating?

[C]

About six and a half years, on and off.

[B]

Is this your way of breaking up with him without really breaking up with him? You're just finding a girl for him?

[E]

Well, you've got a girlfriend. You're like, look, you can't always be there. Dupree.

[C]

This is my way of quilting all those rumors in Atlanta.

[D]

Do you think that he wants someone like him or opposite of him? Is it like gonna be an opposites attract type of thing? Because if he's like this, you know, wild, crazy out there personality, like, does he want somebody who also likes the spotlight or someone who would just give him the spotlight all the time?

[C]

You know, I think he needs somebody to share the spotlight. I mean, you can't date somebody that's completely opposite of Trey because it doesn't work. But he also can't have somebody that wants all the attention.

[E]

Here's a Trey. You're not wearing a diaper out.

[B]

Put the neck brace away. It was funny a year ago.

[E]

Oh, my God, another mustache. Are you kidding me?

[C]

He's the guy that in 10 years is at his 12 year old's football game and 12 rows deep in the stadium in a costume, completely wasted at 9 in the morning. So if you can deal with that.

[E]

You just said, just for the record, that 10 years from now he'll be at his 12 year old's football game.

[C]

I'm not really good at math.

[E]

I was gonna say either you're screwing up math or he's got a secret that you should tell us.

[D]

He doesn't have kids, right?

[C]

No, he's. No kids. Yeah. Never been married, never been engaged. So 35 and a virgin. Yes, completely.

[B]

Now, Jen, your question was. We got to hear from Trey here just to make sure he's into this.

[D]

Yeah. Like, if a girl is going to sign up to do this, we have to know he really is going to get married. January 17, 2009.

[B]

Hey, Trey.

[F]

Good morning.

[B]

Good morning. How are you?

[F]

I'm doing okay. Hey, Joel, how's it going?

[C]

Hey, Trey, how's it going?

[F]

Apparently, you went to the radio station.

[C]

Welcome to the radio. I'm going to ruin your life.

[B]

Did you know he was coming in today?

[F]

I didn't know he was coming in, but I will commend the bird show because you've got thousands of listeners. Because I've gotten about 30 texts so far, people that have heard Joel on the radio. So I caught the tail end of this, actually.

[B]

It's one person that we have text over and over and over again or call others over and over and over again.

[E]

We just have a box of 30 phones here and a couple of interns.

[F]

Genius.

[B]

So Joel came in this morning and he presented us with this idea that he's so sick of hearing you say, woe is me. Woe is me. Woe is me. I need to find a girl. I need to get married this year. That he has a save the date for you out in Vegas in January. You know about that, right?

[F]

Yes, now I do. Now I do. I had mentioned that, yeah, I want to get married. I'm gonna get married in January. And I think he's kind of taking this full throttle now, which is kind of exciting. I guess that's one way to do it.

[E]

How many times in your relationship with him have you said that you're going to get married by whatever the date is, whether it's, I want to get married by the end of the year, I'm going to get married next year.

[F]

Well, I've kind of said over the past few years, this is the year. But the other day we were. We were joking around and I was like, let's do it, January. Let's just do it, you know? And that'll force me to get my act together and figure something out. And then I guess it's kind of escalated to this.

[B]

So the theory here is that if you save a date, like, if you have a specific date in your mind, like a goal date, that you'll start looking more seriously into a commitment rather than have it open ended, right?

[F]

Well, yes.

[D]

No more procrastinating.

[F]

No more procrastinating. That's kind of the deal. It's time to get serious and start. It's time to grow up, guys.

[D]

So why do you want to get married?

[F]

I think that. I think it's time to get married. I mean, I'm 35. I've dated and got that out of my system, and I want a family eventually, and I'm not getting any younger, and I can't keep dating Joel anymore, so I gotta Find a girl and get married.

[B]

Joel's really kind of messed this whole thing up with Molly, hasn't he? Because things are going so well.

[F]

Maybe it should be them. Gets married in January.

[E]

No, we can probably find a second Elvis when we're in Vegas.

[B]

So, Joe, what. What else do we need to know? Um, I mean, I. Jen's concern with you, Trey, was that you have to be 100% on board if we're going to do this because this, this isn't like a three day segment for us. This would be us following you along. This would be us trying to set you up with dates. And we're not. We've got like, ADD on this show, specifically me. So if we do this for six months, we need to know that you're totally into it and that you're willing to commit to marrying somebody on that date in January.

[F]

Fine, let's do it next weekend. No. Yeah, I will get married on January 17. I will do that. But what happens between now and then is a little scary. But I will commit to getting Married on the 17th of January. I think that gives me enough time to find somebody that's. I can marry. I mean, you hear about the people on your show. The call up and met someone on Friday, got married on Monday, been together for 96 years. So I'm believing in that. That's what I'm believing in. Goal setting as well.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

It's using the secret.

[F]

Yeah, I'm gonna buy that book too.

[D]

Watch the dvd. It's better.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Is there anything else you guys want to ask Trey before I let him go?

[D]

I mean, I think it's done, right? We need to know what kind of girls he's into.

[E]

That's not important.

[F]

I think Jeff's out to get me here. Just normal girls. I'm not particular. I'm not into one type or another. Just someone that I can get along with, think chemistry. If I can find somebody with good chemistry that make me laugh a little bit that I find attractive, I think we're good to go.

[B]

I think some of these women are going to weed themselves out eventually. When we figure out what's going on with our website and we link on over to Trey's MySpace page and Facebook and all that and the videos. Some of you women that are listening right now going, this guy's a great catch, are gonna look at it and you're gonna go, he's a great catch for somebody else. Because he. It's gonna. It's gonna take a specific woman. I mean, based on what these guys like to do and how goofy they are and stuff. It's gonna take a specific woman, but.

[C]

On that, I think somebody's gonna go on your website, look at the video and go, oh, my God, this is. This is my dream guy. I mean, not anybody in this room, obviously. Maybe Jeff. But, I mean, he's obviously. You'll see by the. And those of you who have hung out with him or seen him dancing in a speedo on top of his bus on the Petrie road race or, you know, yeah, you're welcome. Seeing all the stupid things that he does on a regular basis. There are plenty of girls out there that will chase him down.

[B]

Absolutely. Absolutely. I was literally. It was 5:15 this morning, and I was watching some of these videos, and I was laughing out loud at 5:15 this morning. So if I was a woman, I'd be totally into, you know?

[F]

Yeah. If you're a girl and you like to laugh, that's cool. If you're into looks, don't go to my setup.

[D]

I think Wendy does pose a good question, though. I mean, you said regular girl, but, like, are you looking like age, age range?

[F]

Age doesn't really matter. I mean, I'm kind of right there in the middle, I guess. Or, I mean, you know, 65 and up might be a little difficult, but, you know, whatever. It's more of. It's more of the chemistry, I think, than, you know, specific age. I mean, obviously I'm 35, so they have to be somewhat mature, Even though I'm not to carry this relationship, but, you know, it's just, you see somebody you're into, I guess you go with it. I don't know.

[B]

Again, there are no shortage of calls to go out with them. Hey, Amy, you're on Q100.

[G]

Good morning.

[B]

Good morning.

[G]

Well, I have to say that this has really piqued my interest. I'm 33, divorced. I've been divorced for five years. I don't do a lot of dating because I don't meet people that I feel are worth my time. I love hanging out with people who make me laugh. That is the best. And that part is what has piqued my interest, because he's apparently just a blast to be around.

[B]

Now, from our standpoint, if we're batting this around a little bit to see if it's something that we want to do, the key for us, what she said right there, she's right for him or not, is he's piqued my interest.

[D]

Right.

[B]

So ratings wise, it would be Good for us. And that's what we got to think about.

[F]

I'm just doing this for you guys.

[B]

You're nothing but a piece of meat to us.

[D]

Thank you, Trey. You are going to be somebody. Sleepless in Seattle, by the way.

[F]

Fair enough.

[E]

What does that mean?

[D]

Don't you remember the movie?

[B]

Somebody's listening.

[D]

You heard him on the radio?

[B]

Yeah, man.

[D]

You haven't watched it 400 times. Every girl. I haven't even seen it.

[B]

What?

[D]

I haven't. Wendy, you're not allowed to be a girl if you haven't seen Sleepless in Seattle. I haven't seen Sleepless.

[F]

Joel's seen it a thousand times.

[B]

We watched it together. I'm assuming a couple of dozen times.

[C]

Yeah, we watched that one in the bathtub with candles.

[B]

All right, so what's our next step here? Do we wait until we can get a link on up to. Well, I don't even think we need that. Like, do we want to.

[D]

I think we just figure out how we're going to do it. Are we going to do a bachelor slash bachelorette style? Like, are we going to narrow down the top 25 and then narrow those down over?

[E]

Well, we don't have to brainstorm it now. I think we have a conversation about it, and then let's circle back as the people who like meetings like to say, let's circle back here this time next week, and we'll get caught up to where we are, and we'll all be on the same page. Circle back.

[C]

I'd like to kind of up the ante a little bit and say, why don't we open this up to the Birchill community and let them vote on who's gonna.

[B]

Well, that's a great idea. That would be, on any other given day, a great idea. But our website is so jacked up right now.

[C]

But over. Over the course of time, though, over.

[B]

The next couple of days, I think.

[E]

If we're going to do this, we do it for real. Like, I don't. I think we let Trey pick the girl. I just think.

[F]

Thanks.

[C]

I don't know about that. I think.

[E]

I think we. I think we work together to narrow it down.

[D]

Yeah, I think we narrowed down the pool, and then we do it, like.

[B]

Yeah, I think the details are inconsequential now. I think what we just have to agree on right now is a. Do we want to roll with this? Does it have enough legs for six months, y'? All. You know how we are.

[D]

I know how you are.

[B]

Does how I am. Is this gonna Be entertaining for all of us and for our listeners for six months, is the question.

[D]

I think so. I think so. I think the fact that the date is set. Joel's reserved the rooms. He's printed the save the dates. I mean, I think that that is, like, what's making it more real. I mean, we're not talking about, you know, me. Yeah. I want to find her. And this is like, sort of like this loose, you know, like, unpredictable ending. Like there the ending is already set. It's just between here and there. And I think that that's what will keep our interests in it. And because you know him and like him and think that he's really funny.

[C]

And you're gonna be a groomsman and.

[D]

I'm gonna be in the wedding, and.

[B]

It'S a reason to go to Vegas. So I'm in.

[D]

And it's a reason to go. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Yes.

[D]

Can I be a bridesmaid?

[B]

Now we're all in.

[C]

I want to be the flower girl.

[B]

Perfect.

[E]

So I'm an ordained minister, so actually.

[C]

Oh, really? I was going to say Joby is going to get ordained. So basically the premise is on the 17th, we show up in the lobby of the hotel at 5, 6pm, we go to dinner. Everybody absolutely has to dress up in costume. Then we go get completely plowed, and then we're going to reserve. The rooms are reserved around 5am the next morning. So we actually won't get married until 5am on Sunday.

[B]

Beautiful. Now, the key for me here, Trey, is once again, I need to hear the words come out of your mouth that you will get married on that date.

[F]

I will get married on that date.

[B]

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