Vault: His 3 year old wakes up too early

Summary

The Bert Show: "His 3 Year Old Wakes Up Too Early"

Date: July 9, 2026
Hosts: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & The Bert Show Cast

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Episode Overview

This episode centers around Bert’s candid parental dilemma: his almost-three-year-old son Hollis consistently wakes up before sunrise, disrupting everyone’s sleep. The crew dives into a lively, authentic discussion about teaching young kids to stay in their rooms until a reasonable hour. Listeners and a former castmate call in with a parade of creative solutions, resulting in a relatable, hilarious, and heartfelt parenting brainstorming session.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Bert’s Dilemma: Early Rising Toddler

• [01:30] Bert: Bert sets the theme by asking, “How the hell do you teach your kids to get up at a certain time?”
• Hollis, age nearly three, has never slept through the night and now wakes up between 5 and 5:15 AM.
• Initial strategies, such as “solitary confinement” (locking the door) and “yelling it out,” worked for a bit but led to new problems (Hollis waking up his older brother Hayden).
• Bert wonders if teaching such a young child to understand time is even realistic.

Verbal Proficiency versus Sleep Habits

• Hollis is verbally ahead of the curve, but Bert doubts he can read a digital clock yet.
• [02:47] Co-host (joking): "Daddy, get your ass up."
• The challenge: enforcing boundaries without emotional harm.

Listener Solutions & Approaches

1. Consistent Sleep Rituals and Environment

• [04:15] Caller: Recommends dark shades and eliminating light for better melatonin production.
• Emphasizes ritual: “A nice story. Every night, same thing.”
• Bert clarifies the main issue is not falling asleep, but waking too early and seeking out siblings.

2. Baby Gates as Visual Timers

• [05:27] Jen Fallon (Caller, former Bert Show member): Uses a baby gate in front of her child’s door.
• The gate serves as a “not yet” signal—if the gate’s up, stay in bed.
• To soothe her child, she plays lullaby CDs, which the child can restart after waking.

3. Stay-in-Bed Alarms

• [07:34] Jen Fallon: Suggests a radio alarm clock—the child stays in their room until the music starts.
• The panel agrees: “Stay in your damn room until you hear the music, and then you’re allowed out.”
• [08:07] Co-host: Observes, “We all wake up 20 minutes before the alarm goes off and want to kill ourselves…he will wake up early and just stare at that thing and go, please, music play.”

4. Teaching Time Recognition

• [08:33] Caller Jill: Taped a notecard with clock numbers under her son's clock; he matches the numbers before he can leave his room (e.g., when the clock says 6:30).
• [09:28] Lacey (Caller): Taught her son to look for the number "6" as the first digit before getting up—simpler than expecting exact time reading.

5. Adjusting Bedtime

• Delaying bedtime to 8:00 PM if early wakeups continue, and simply returning the child to bed each time until they learn the routine (with the warning that it may cost parents a few sleepless nights at first).

6. Commercial Products: Sleep Clocks with Visual Cues

• [11:03] Caller Karen: Recommends a "cow clock" from OneStepAhead.com: at night, the cow wears pajamas and lights up; at wake time, a daytime-dressed cow appears. Child can't leave the room until the daytime cow appears.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [01:36] Bert: “How the hell do you teach your kids to get up at a certain time?”
• [02:47] Co-host: “Daddy, get your ass up.”
• [03:56] Bert: "Hayden has always been a kid like you tell him to do it one time. It's done. Hollis thinks he's got an opinion. We're still trying to break him on that whole thing. Like a wild horse. We'll break you. The Hollis whisperer."
• [08:07] Co-host: "We all wake up 20 minutes before the alarm goes off and want to kill ourselves because we're like, oh man, I just blew 20 minutes of sleep. He will wake up early and just stare at that thing and go, 'Please, music play. Please, music play.'"
• [10:27] Bert: “The fear there is that if he cries in the middle of the night and nobody comes... I don't want him to think, somewhere in his soul, that when he really needs some help, mom and dad aren't around.”
• [11:26] Caller Karen: “And it’s got like a little cow at the top…at nighttime the night one lights up. And then during the…when you set it for whatever time… the daytime one lights up. So he can't get up until the daytime cow lights up.”
• [11:44] Bert (sarcastic): "Here’s a six. Here’s a three. Here’s a clock with a cow."

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Listener Tips Recap (With Timestamps)

• [04:15] Rituals & Dark Shades: Set bedtime rituals, blackout curtains, no screens.
• [05:27] Baby Gate Blocking: Baby gate as a physical and visual reminder.
• [06:11] Lullaby/Music Reinforcement: Child restarts lullaby music when waking prematurely.
• [07:34] Stay-in-Bed Radio Alarm: Music signals 'okay to get up.'
• [08:33], [09:28] Clock Number Matching: Teaching to look for "6" or "6:30" before leaving the room.
• [11:03] Cow Clock Visual Timer: Visual day/night cues with a fun child’s clock.

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Tone and Takeaways

The show’s hallmark blend of humor, honesty, and practical advice creates a valuable, supportive atmosphere for parents. The segment demonstrates that even experienced, resourceful adults struggle with the unpredictabilities of early childhood—and that there’s no single “right” solution. From blackout shades to baby gates, “cow clocks” to clever alarm hacks, the hosts and callers validate the struggle and share a toolbox of hopeful strategies—all delivered with a wink and plenty of warmth.

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Recommended For:
Parents facing the “early riser” toddler battle, anyone seeking new sleep strategies for young kids, and fans of authentic, comedic parenting conversations.

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Transcript

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[Bert]

The first show I want to use our show and this is directed right to parents.

[Co-host 1]

Okay.

[Bert]

How the hell do you teach your kids to get up at a certain time? Like, we're having some problems with Hollis right now. He's almost three years old and he's never slept really well. He always gets up in the middle of the night and for a while there we tried the whole put him in solitary confinement, lock him into the room. The doctor said no problem, let him yell it out for a couple of nights and then he'll sleep through the night. That worked for a while. Now he just screams at the top of his lungs because the door is locked. So now we have the door open. What he's doing is he's walking down to Hayden's room Now in the middle of the night.

[Co-host 2]

Oh, dude, he outsmarted you.

[Bert]

Either getting in bed with Hayden or he's just trying to wake Hayden up to play. You know, it's like the middle of the night. So I don't think my kid is any smarter or less smart than anybody else. But I know there has to be a point where you start to teach your kids. Look, you're not allowed to come down the hall until 6:30 because right now he's up at like 5 5:15. So what do you do to teach your kids? I mean he's, he, he's, he's quite honestly ahead of the curve when it comes to like verbal skills and stuff like that. So I know that.

[Co-host 2]

Daddy, get your ass up.

[Bert]

So I know he can understand the words. But like reading an LED clock, you know, and teaching them like, okay, the first number is a six, the second one is a three and the other one is a zero. Do not come down until you see those three numbers. I don't know how if that's even possible to do with an almost 3 year old.

[Caller 1]

I don't know.

[Co-host 2]

I don't want to say this on the radiant.

[Bert]

What's that?

[Co-host 1]

Do not need.

[Co-host 3]

No, you do not need that resident butterfly of death.

[Co-host 2]

You don't, you don't have to do the whole thing but just like a cut it in like a little quarter and just put it in their milk. Just.

[Bert]

There comes a time where every kid has to learn, you know that you have to stay in your bed until a certain time and we just don't have the formula yet. I don't know what it is, but I know that we have friends that have three year old kids that are capable of doing it.

[Co-host 1]

I have no idea.

[Co-host 3]

Does Hollis have a consistent like bedtime every night? How does he normally go to bed

[Bert]

between 7 and 7:30 every night?

[Co-host 1]

And this is different from Hayden?

[Bert]

Hayden's at 8.

[Co-host 1]

No, I'm saying for when Hayden was Hollis's age, we didn't have.

[Bert]

I don't think they're the same kind. Hayden has always been a kid like you tell him to do it one time. It's done. Hollis thinks he's got an opinion. We're still trying to break him on that whole thing. Like a wild horse. We'll break you. The Hollis whisperer. Good morning, Deborah. You're on Q100.

[Caller 1]

Good morning. My childhood is the same way. Oh my God. Up nights, all night. Screaming. Did not want to do anything but play. Read all the sleep books, you know, put them to bed an hour earlier, put them down another hour earlier. But rituals are really important. I know it's kind of hard, you know, to get them to sleep at night, you know, right now with the sun still being up when you're wanting to go to bed. But get the dark shades. Melatonin does not release in the body and the brain unless the room is dark.

[Bert]

You got that down. Falling asleep.

[Caller 1]

Have TVs on, no lights on. A nice story. Every night, same thing.

[Bert]

Falling asleep is not his problem. His problem is he's getting up so early and he's either screaming at the top of his lungs to somebody to come to get him because the door is closed, or he's walking down to hang out with his brother or getting in bed with his brother.

[Co-host 2]

Hmm, what about?

[Bert]

I mean, we know he's capable of sleep until 6:30 because we'll come up and we'll sue them and then he'll sleep till 6:30 or 7 o'. Clock. So you just gotta go all night, dude. You're on your own.

[Co-host 2]

Do you think if you played him the audio of that caller we had at 8:45 Chelsea, that would put him in a deep enough sleep?

[Bert]

I didn't think she was as bad as you think.

[Co-host 1]

He would wake up for two days.

[Bert]

Hey, dawn, good morning. You're on Q100, dawn, what's up?

[Jen Fallon]

Hey, Bert show. Love you guys.

[Caller 2]

Listen to you all the time.

[Caller 3]

Thank you.

[Jen Fallon]

I also have a two and three year old daughter and we had the same issue with our 3 year old when she was 2. And so what we decided to do was we put up, you know, one of those little gates that you put in front of the stairs or the doors or whatever.

[Bert]

Little baby gates, sure.

[Jen Fallon]

Yeah. Yes. So we put the gate up in front of her door. So when she opened the door to get up, if she saw the gate, she knows it's not time to get up yet. So she would get back in the bed and then when the gate comes down, she knows it's time. I can come downstairs now because our

[Caller 2]

master bedroom is downstairs.

[Bert]

We tried that for a little while and it did work. And I'm not really sure you reminded me. I'm not sure why we got away from that formula. We put the baby gate up there for a while.

[Caller 3]

Good idea.

[Bert]

But then I think he just started screaming out the baby gate.

[Jen Fallon]

Well, we would tell her to turn her music back on. We said turn your music back because she has a little radio in there and we play, like a little lullaby cd so she knows how to push play. So she just turn it back on and get back in the bed and go back to sleep. That worked for us.

[Bert]

And how old was she at the time?

[Jen Fallon]

She was two.

[Caller 4]

Two.

[Jen Fallon]

Two and a half. She was like, close to three. Two and a half. Close to three, yeah.

[Bert]

That's the same age we're talking about. Great, Dawn. Thank you.

[Caller 2]

Okay, thanks.

[Co-host 2]

It's getting.

[Jen Fallon]

Kate.

[Co-host 3]

That's a good idea to have the door closed regardless and then have him open it. So tell Hollis as soon as it's open, there's a baby gate there. If the baby gates up, can't say anything. Can't just go back to bed.

[Bert]

Look, I seriously thought about trying to teach him how to turn the TV on himself, you know, and just like, what? You know, set it to, like the Disney Channel. And then when he turns it on in the morning, there it is. Good, you're up, dude. Just turn the TV on.

[Co-host 3]

Or a music channel.

[Co-host 2]

But then what if he gets up at 4am then? Usually screwed all day. Right, because he'd be up and grumpy and everything.

[Bert]

Could be. Yeah. I don't know.

[Co-host 2]

Maybe. Now that the weather's getting warmer, can you just have him sleep in the yard?

[Bert]

We're getting close to that. Because, like, did he have a runner

[Co-host 1]

rope where he can run around but not get out of sleep like you

[Bert]

put a goat on?

[Caller 2]

Yeah, yeah.

[Co-host 1]

I mean, you know, he's not gonna get out of the yard. He's fine.

[Co-host 2]

You can have this for.

[Co-host 1]

He's getting some exercise.

[Co-host 2]

Like 30 bucks, maybe 25. But it's the dog loo that we have in the yard, right? Sasha's old one.

[Bert]

Hey, former Bert show employee Jen Fallon has an idea. Hey, Jen.

[Jen Fallon]

Hey.

[Caller 1]

What's up, Fallon?

[Caller 2]

Well, I'm not a mom, but I've

[Jen Fallon]

done plenty of babysitting. And my thought was just set an

[Caller 1]

alarm clock, a radio alarm, and tell

[Jen Fallon]

him he can't get up until the music starts playing.

[Bert]

Until that music goes. That seems so easy.

[Co-host 3]

Seems simple.

[Bert]

Stay in your damn room until you hear the music, and then you're allowed out.

[Co-host 1]

Yeah, maybe he. And then he has a goal. Maybe instead of him just crying because he, you know, I mean. Cause who knows what his motivation is. If I'm awake, that means that means something. But this way. Wait. I'm awake, but the music's not playing. Maybe he'll learn to kind of deal with himself and adapt to it until the music Starts playing.

[Co-host 2]

I think we need to honor the point he's at in his life because we all wake up 20 minutes before the alarm goes off.

[Co-host 1]

I feel bad for him.

[Co-host 2]

And we want to kill ourselves because we're like, oh man, I just blew 20 minutes of sleep. He will wake up early and just stare at that thing and go, please, music play. Please, music play.

[Caller 3]

Good.

[Co-host 2]

Please, music play. So we need to respect the place he is right now.

[Bert]

You wouldn't respect it so much if he's coming down hounding you.

[Co-host 2]

Yeah, as long as I ain't staying at your house.

[Bert]

Hey, Jill.

[Caller 2]

Good morning.

[Bert]

You're on the Burt Show.

[Caller 1]

Hi. We have a three and four year

[Caller 2]

old and we put an alarm clock

[Caller 1]

in his room and underneath it we taped a note card with the numbers on it and he had to match the numbers before he could come downstairs.

[Co-host 1]

Kinda goes with what you were talking about. I love that.

[Co-host 3]

It's like a goal.

[Bert]

Yes. Yeah, that's great. Thank you, Jill.

[Caller 1]

No problem.

[Bert]

Perfect. Hey, Lacey. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller 2]

Hey, Bert, I just want to let you know my son is the exact same weight. He is three and a half now, and he thinks he runs the house and he rarely gets any sleep. And about nine months ago, I kept having a problem with him wanting to get up at 5, 5:30 in the morning. And so I took him to the clock in the kitchen that he would always see. And I told him the first number has to be a six before you can get out of bed. If you get out of bed and you see it's not a six, you need to go back to bed.

[Co-host 1]

Just one number, not all of them.

[Caller 2]

I'm sorry, what?

[Co-host 1]

You just taught him that one number said the rest of them.

[Caller 2]

That's right. But you're saying 6:30, so you can just teach him the first two. The third numbers are relevant because as soon as it turns 630, you're good.

[Bert]

Right? That makes total sense. That's great. Thank you.

[Caller 2]

Well, also, if he's still getting up in the middle of the night, you might think about prolonging his bedtime till 8 o'.

[Caller 1]

Clock.

[Caller 2]

And then if he's still doing that, you're going to have to keep getting up and just putting him back in the bed. And once he sees that he's not going to be able to get out of bed and stay out of bed, he's going to learn that he has to stay in. You're probably going to lose a lot of sleep for the first few nights.

[Co-host 2]

Bert doesn't mind that in the long run.

[Bert]

Yeah, I'm a fan of just closing that door and letting him figure it out himself. Scream through the night.

[Caller 4]

Care.

[Co-host 2]

Yeah. When I was whispering, tough ass.

[Bert]

When it comes to that kind of thing.

[Co-host 2]

When I was saying Lunesta, I wasn't saying give it to him. I was saying you take twice as

[Bert]

much so you don't hear.

[Co-host 2]

You give some to Hayden and Stacy too. You're like fine.

[Bert]

The fear there is that if he like cries in the middle of the night and nobody comes to get him and that door is locked, like I don't want him to think somewhere in his soul that when he really needs some help, mom and dad aren't around.

[Co-host 1]

Could you imagine Tracy and Scott have. I mean, because they wouldn't have the same same thing with Ella if Ella was screaming in the middle of the night and they had the locked doors and wouldn't come.

[Bert]

Well, if she screams in the middle of the night, she is between Scott and Tracy. So she's gonna wake up.

[Co-host 2]

Actually, no. I think Scott and Tracy are now in Ella's crib and Ella has the king sized bed in the house.

[Co-host 3]

Well, solution, Put Hollis in your room.

[Bert]

Oh, that's not a solution. And what else? Karen, last call. Go ahead.

[Caller 3]

Yes, My daughter had the same problem. And we bought this little clock thing from One step ahead's website. And it's got like a little cow at the top and he's in pajamas and a cow at the bottom and he's in his daytime clothes. And at nighttime the night someone lights up. And then during the when you set it for whatever time, like 6:30 like you said, the daytime when the light up. So he can't get up until the daytime cow lights up.

[Bert]

Okay. And that's from what's the name of that website?

[Caller 3]

One step ahead.

[Bert]

One step ahead. And we may be going there and ordering that today. Thank you very much.

[Caller 3]

Work for my daughter.

[Bert]

Great. Thank you.

[Caller 3]

No problem.

[Co-host 3]

Good idea.

[Bert]

Those will help.

[Co-host 3]

Just try everything at once.

[Co-host 2]

Seriously?

[Bert]

Here's a six. Here's a three. Here's a clock with a cow.

[Co-host 2]

And have him figure out his cow

[Co-host 1]

in the six and then do the puzzle.

[Co-host 3]

Put the puzzle together.

[Co-host 2]

Yeah. Why don't you tell him that he can't come out of his room until he sees the cow wearing the daytime clothes light up. But then never put a cow wearing daytime clothes anywhere near his room.

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