Vault: His estranged dad suddenly reached out

Summary

The Bert Show – Vault: His Estranged Dad Suddenly Reached Out

Episode Date: June 2, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode centers around a deeply personal and complex story from intern Rich, who opens up about his estranged, long-distance relationship with his military father. After years of little to no contact, Rich's dad unexpectedly reached out, prompting Rich to reflect on their relationship, unresolved emotions, and the dynamics of families affected by military lifestyles and estrangement. The cast offers their own perspectives on family disconnect, communication challenges, and what it means to accept or redefine a parental relationship.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Background: A Distant, Complicated Relationship

• Rich’s father has lived overseas (mostly due to military service) since 1996.

• Their relationship has been defined by sporadic contact, especially after his parents’ split and father’s remarriage ([00:39]–[01:48]).

• Contact has become rare and impersonal, often limited to random packages or brief calls every few years.

  "He was overseas in Saudi Arabia back in the mid-90s, and that's what kind of started it. ... But then one day it was just kind of like, didn't show up. My sister got married. He didn't come to the wedding." — Rich [02:08]

• Strange, barely-personal gifts or cards occasionally arrive, often handled or prompted by his father’s partners ([02:44]–[03:53]).

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2. Attempts at Reconnection

• Recent contact from his father—three calls in a week after barely hearing from him in years. This period of outreach coincided with his father's retirement from the military ([04:48]–[05:46]).

• The initial conversations were forced and awkward, centering on small talk (weather, economy, gas prices) instead of meaningful exchange ([06:03]–[06:55]).

  "It's so funny. First thing, it's like, so how's the weather over there? It's that typical weather conversation." — Rich [06:06]
  "When there's no commonality, the weather always comes up." — Bert [06:33]

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3. Processing Feelings: Anger, Numbness, and Acceptance

• Rich feels neither anger nor deep sadness, just acceptance. His sister feels more resentment, especially about their father missing significant life events:

  "You're not angry, you're not upset, you're not disappointed. It is just what it is." — Rich [07:21]

• Bert (host) relates from personal experience, adding that sometimes numbness is a form of self-protection:

  "Numbness is just you not really allowing yourself to be hurt by the whole thing." — Bert [08:06]

• Gender differences are briefly discussed: women may express emotions more readily, while men “swim in emotion” less overtly ([08:17]).

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4. The Cycle of Family Patterns

• Both Rich and Bert touch on the fear of repeating patterns with their own children ([09:44]–[10:44]):

  "Once you have kids, it really starts to jack with you just because you start to see the way that you were brought up. ... I gotta get some help here, because I don't really like the way I am as a father, but it's the only thing I know." — Bert [09:49]

  "As I get older, I start to notice things about myself that remind me of him. And I'm like, oh, no." — Rich [10:33]

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5. The Nature of Communication: Awkward and Formal

• The father-son dynamic remains stiff, professional, and “businesslike.” Even letters from his father read like official correspondence, not personal notes ([11:07]–[11:38]).

  "It's so professional. Like, my dad is the military. It's like talking to a business partner. ... It's just so military that it's almost comedic." — Rich [11:07]

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6. Looking Forward: Relocation and Ongoing Distance

• Rich’s father plans to return to the U.S., but Rich isn’t convinced they’ll have a closer relationship even then, as his father is expected to remain distant, both emotionally and geographically ([11:42]–[12:26]).

• Discussion about accepting who their fathers are, lowering expectations, and the unlikely possibility of change.

  "He'd rather die doing [the military] than do anything else. He chose that over family and everything else. So it's just what he likes." — Rich [12:20]

• The team briefly discusses the tough demands and choices required of military families ([12:35]–[12:56]).

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On random gifts:

  "It's kind of become a tradition because he doesn't know you." — Bert [02:44]

• On obligation vs. desire:

  "I'm gonna continue to try to have him in my life. Not because I care for him, but he is still my dad. ... I feel like it's my obligation to at least be the bigger person and give him a phone call whether he deserves it or not." — Rich [08:56]

• On the futility of expecting change:

  "No, you can never ask him to change because he's just not capable of it." — Bert [11:38]

• On the cycle of bar-lowering in relationships:

  "You just continue to set the bar lower and lower and lower until it's at a place where you're just like, this is all it is." — Bert [09:20]

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• 00:30 – 01:48: Introduction to Rich’s family background and lack of closeness with his dad
• 02:07 – 03:53: Discussion of his dad’s disappearance post-divorce and sporadic gift-giving
• 04:48 – 05:46: Series of recent phone calls; attempts to reconnect
• 06:03 – 06:55: The awkwardness of their conversations, defaulting to small talk
• 07:12 – 09:20: Rich’s feelings (acceptance, numbness), differences with his sister, and host’s reflections
• 09:44 – 10:44: The influence of family patterns and raising your own kids
• 11:07 – 11:38: The formality and businesslike nature of their communication
• 11:42 – 12:26: Father’s planned move to the U.S., continued distance

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Episode Tone and Dynamics

The episode's mood is empathetic, real, and gently humorous as the cast navigates uncomfortable truths about family estrangement. The tone is frank but never judgmental, blending personal anecdotes with open acknowledgment of emotional complexity, awkwardness, and the survival skills developed over years of disconnected parenting.

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For listeners interested in stories of family, estrangement, resilience, and learning to accept complicated parents, this episode offers honesty, camaraderie, and a few shared laughs amidst the heaviness.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

the Birch Show. All right, intern Rich here. This weird on again, off again relationship with his dad. And he's had it for years now, right?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, it's been. He hasn't lived in the states since 96.

[B]

It's a military dude.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And you guys have never been close? He's just kind of a military dad, right? He's just sort of. Just kind of coldish. Hardish. Just standoffish.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, he's typical. I mean, to me it's typical military dad, you know, wakes up 6, 35, 30 in the morning, goes to PT. You know, we used to wake me up, so it's always been kind of abrupt, you know, what's the weather, son? Come do this. He's just very military and it's kind of always been that way for me, so.

[B]

And when did you guys have like this last falling out to where you aren't talking to each other at all?

[C]

Well, it's kind of so confusing. I really can't tell you if there's a falling out. Basically it's just been. He's been on and off my whole life and he's been overseas since 96

[B]

and one of those mics is all jacked up. Is it yours or is it.

[D]

It might be this one. I can just take it.

[B]

Yeah, do that. Okay, try that.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Nope, nope.

[D]

It's your headphones.

[B]

Yep.

[D]

Turn them down.

[B]

Hey, you haven't been doing this long enough to have those headphones up as much as I know.

[E]

I mean, that's like burnt decibel.

[C]

You there?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Good. Yeah, that's better. All right, we're good. We're good. No whistle. Okay.

[B]

So like a falling out?

[C]

There's never a falling out. He. He was overseas. My parents split up, he got remarried. And I think it was just kind of the whole living overseas and him being remarried, and I don't know if it had to do with the. It's kind of a lot of unanswered questions, so I really can't say There was a falling out. He just. One day he was dad, and the next he wasn't it's one of the things when my sister and I get together, we're always like, what happened?

[B]

It just goes away.

[C]

Yeah, he was overseas in Saudi Arabia back in the mid-90s, and that's what kind of started it. We're used to him being here for a month, gone for a year, back and forth. But then one day it was just kind of like, didn't show up. My sister got married. He didn't come to the wedding. He was with the other woman. And it just kind of all of a sudden went from being on and off to never again. And so then after that, it's been like every once, three or four years, I'll get a random phone call or a, hey, how's it going? Or a package. I mean, he's a weird man. Like, he'll send me. I won't talk to a guy for five years, and then I'll receive a Christmas gift like, four years later with no letter, nothing written on it. And it's always the most random gift that makes no sense whatsoever. I mean, it's kind of become a

[B]

tradition because he doesn't know you.

[C]

Yeah, we laugh about what we get sent. So, I mean, do you think it's

[D]

even from him, or do you think it's from whoever he's dating at the time?

[C]

Well, this year, apparently the woman he's with now, I think is. I like her because it seems like she's really grabbed him. You know, I won't mention and just straighten them out because it started off this past about a year ago, and I started here, actually, where I. All of a sudden I got a couple emails and I got a birthday card or a Christmas card. I can't remember last year. And it was basically saying, you know, merry Christmas. But not in his handwriting. I know my father's handwriting. And so I was like, oh, this woman is, you know, putting out the. Why aren't you talking to your kids? So she seems like she's really a good woman. And so all of a sudden, we started getting a few emails here and there earlier in the year, and that was it. And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, got a phone call on Christmas or the day before Christmas, and I actually received a package in the mail. Again, Christmas gift, no letter or anything. I just. My sister. I called my sister, hey, did you get a Christmas gift from dad? And she's like, yeah, no letter. No, this is from your father. The only reason I knew who it was from was because when it was from a. It was Like a fleece from Land's End. And they type in to, you know, rich from. And it says Lee, my dad's name. So the only reason I knew it was from him because it was from Land's End corporate. So it wasn't even his address. So I'm like, who sent me sweatshirt? So he's just a really strange guy.

[B]

So.

[C]

No, no. Like, how's it going? Have you been. It's just, you know, is there a

[E]

phone number you can, like, reach him at or talk to him or an email address?

[C]

Well, I have a. So we had email. So I went email a few times back and forth. But I just kind of. It's been so long that I don't really, you know, I try because he's still my dad. And I feel like you said before, it's my obligation to still keep him in my life. And it's my job. One day, if I have kids, I want them to at least. My wife has never met him. She talked to him once three or four years ago when we were in Boston, that's where she's from. And got a random phone call four Christmases ago. And I was like, you're gonna talk to my wife? So I can at least say that she's heard your voice and that you do exist and I'm not crazy. So this year and how long have you been married? It's gonna be. It's three years. Yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

I've been with her for six and a half, so.

[D]

Six and a half. And she's talked to your dad once on the phone.

[C]

Well, now twice, because what happened was he actually called. And I have to travel every Christmas, so it's real hard. At first, I'm here. It used to be I was in la, and then I'd come to Atlanta, and then I'd come to Massachusetts. So traveling is part of the holidays. But this year we just went to Massachusetts and we missed each other. So I was like, oh, my God. I actually had the phone in my hand and it was restricted number. I was like, I'm not answering that. They'll leave a message. And sure enough, it was him. And I don't have international on my phone because he actually lives in. He lives in England when he's not in Afghanistan because he still works for the military, even though he retired last year. So I couldn't call him back. So I was like, oh, my God. It was probably my one chance in the next six years to say hi to him and see what's going on. Called the Second time, I couldn't believe it. I missed that phone call. I was like, oh, I'm definitely never speaking to him again. He actually called a third time. So he actually called me more three times in the week. That's more than he's called in the past 10 years of my life, probably. So he's actually trying to reach out. And it was just once I finally got a hold of him, I was like, okay, now what do I do?

[E]

Well, and I also wonder if he's. I know he's still working for the military, but being retired, that probably is less responsibility on him and, you know, traveling with the military. So I wonder if he has more opportunity when it comes to him to call that it'll happen more frequently.

[B]

How was the initial conversation? Was it just awkward?

[C]

It's so funny. It's like, first thing, it's like, so how's the weather over there? It's that typical weather conversation. And I'm sitting here kind of like, I know my wife's upstairs. She was getting ready. We were about to go out for her grandpa's 90th birthday because he just had his birthday on the same week. So everyone was getting ready to go out, and I was, like, looking around the hallways, like, what do I do? What do I say? I'm not a very nervous person. I'll go do anything at any time. The one thing that makes me get a little butterfly on my stomach is like, what the heck am I gonna say to this guy?

[B]

Right? My dad does the same thing. When there's no commonality, the weather always comes up.

[D]

Oh, you serious?

[B]

That's so. Well, just. Yes. It's just always awkward. And the one thing he can always fall back on is weather. And for whatever reason, my dad goes to gas prices also.

[E]

What's the Going rad over there in Hotlanta?

[B]

We got nothing else.

[C]

We went to the economy because him being in Afghanistan, the first thing I was like, so what's going on over there? 30,000 troops being, you know, because he's. He's over there training. So it started off with gas and economy, and then I finally just started talking to him, like, so what's the deal? What are you doing?

[D]

So are you, like, mad at him? Are you open to him coming back in your life? Like, other than it being awkward conversation, like, how do you feel about it?

[C]

No, I'm not mad. I'm not numb again. It's one of these things. And I had this conversation, and I actually brought Bert's name up in the car. During the conversation, I was like, it's just something that you'll never grasp or understand. It's just part of your life. If you don't have a relationship with your family like this, then you can't really understand that. You're not angry, you're not upset, you're not disappointed. It is just what it is. So that's kind of how I feel about it. My sister, I think, is a little angrier than I would be. And I'm more angry for her than I am for myself because she has two kids. He wasn't at her wedding. And, you know, for me, it's like, you know, you should beat your daughter's wedding. You need to meet your two greatest nephews in the world. They're like, excel in sports and they're smart. I mean, like, she's. So. For me, I'm angry at that, but for myself, it's like, oh, if, you know, if you want to do your crazy thing, do your thing. If you don't, you don't. I don't really care.

[B]

I think guys handle it differently. I spent a lot of time in therapy over this whole thing. Yeah, my therapist would probably say. I used to say the same thing that Rich is saying, that numbness is just you not really allowing yourself to be hurt by the whole thing.

[E]

Yeah. Because women, we. I mean, we swim in emotion all the time. So to express how we feel about something is not a big deal. But I do think you have to get deep down in a guy for him to express it the same way.

[D]

Do you think it'll change when you have kids if he's still not in your life?

[C]

Well, I had that conversation with my sister because I told my sister, you need to call him, and she didn't. She's like, you know, I've tried. He knows my number. He knows where I'm at. If he wants to get ahold of me, he can. She's like, but I'm not gonna force him to be a father and chase after him for the rest of my life. She's like, I gotta be my mom. I gotta be a mom. And, you know, she takes it differently. And she's not. I mean, she's upset with him, but she's like, I gotta do my thing. If he wants to be dad, he can. Or Oz. Or As. I'm like, you know, I'm gonna continue to try to have him in my life. Not because I care for madam, but it's just, he is still my dad. And I feel like it's my obligation to at least be the bigger person and give him a phone call whether he deserves it or not.

[D]

Right.

[C]

So I'm gonna. I'll always call him and say, hey, are you alive? Or I'll drop him an email. But I don't expect for us to, like, get together and, you know, have a father son moment where we go have a beer and talk about that, because I've never had that anyway, so it's not something I miss.

[E]

Right.

[B]

I mean, I totally can understand what you're talking about. You just continue to set the bar lower and lower and lower and lower until it's at a place where you're just like, this is all it is, you know, Like, I don't have any. I'm the same as you. I got no desire and no ambition that I'm ever gonna have play catch in the backyard with my dad. Just not who he is, man. Yeah. But eventually you just sort of accept that they're giving you what they can.

[D]

And you have made it a point to never, ever repeat those patterns, which I think is so amazing.

[B]

Yeah, it does change things, man. I'll tell you what, once you have kids, it really starts to jack with you just because you start to see the way that you were brought up. You start to see you doing the same things to your children. And that's when you're like, okay, I gotta get some help here. Because I don't really like the way I am as a father, but it's the only thing I know.

[C]

Well, I've already seen. I actually told him that when we were talking because we actually started having a regular conversation. And it was probably the first real conversation I've had as an adult with him my entire life, where we actually, like, this is what's going on. He congratulated me because I just graduated from college finally. So, you know, he was. Told me, congratulations, that now what are you going to do about work and responsibility? But I told him that as I get older, I start to notice things about myself that remind me of him. And I'm like, oh, no. You know what I mean? Cause I'm like, when's it gonna stop? Cause like you say, when I have kids, am I gonna start doing things? You know, and so I can imagine. So there's. That part of me is already kind of coming out where I'm like, oh, man, he is my father. I am doing things kinda how he does them.

[B]

How does the conversation end with your dad? Cause I know I'm always really fearful that my Dad's gonna end the conversation saying, I love you. And I try to get off the phone faster than that can happen. Cause I don't know how to respond to that with him.

[D]

I think UPS is here.

[C]

Gotta go.

[D]

Okay, bye.

[B]

I like you, too. I'm really trying to define exactly our relationship is, but I really like you, dad.

[E]

Just say that every time.

[C]

It's so professional. Like, my dad is the military. It's like talking to a business partner. He's like, well, he's like, about to get out of here. I got some things I gotta take care of. So it's nice speaking with you. We should catch up again. Even the terminology he uses, it's like formal. He's writing like he wrote my sister a letter. And we seriously sat down and started laughing at how formal it was. He's like, you know, to be announced the further. Yada, yada. And you feel like you're reading a report for, like, your newest job you're about to get or like your applying for something when the way he talks to you, he's just so military that it's almost comedic.

[B]

And he's never gonna change. No, you can never ask him to change because he's just not capable of

[C]

it, you know, the plan is for him to move back to the States in the next year is what he says. And he's like, perhaps when I, you know, get back in the States, we can get, you know, meet up somewhere. And I'm just like, okay, well, we'll see what happens.

[B]

Do you have more fear that he'll actually move to the States or. Cause I used to get, like, when my dad moved to Florida, I'm like, you're too close now. I'd rather you stay, you know, at the other side.

[C]

Yeah, well, if he does, he's going to be living out in the west, probably in like, Wyoming because that's where his sister lives. So it's not going to be something where I can go down the street and see him anyway, but I'd be curious. I don't think he has it in him. I'm personally myself. He's going to. He's going to stay in the military, do military lifestyle until the day he dies. I mean, he'd rather die doing that to do anything else. He chose that over family and everything else. So it's just what he likes.

[B]

Complicated, man. And these guys that come from healthy families, they can't. They can't. I mean, a cutoff for three years to you guys seems like that's.

[D]

Well, it's foreign.

[E]

But, I mean, you talk about military. I know that my mother gave my father an ultimatum because he was a military man. And she said, either we are a military couple or we have children. We're not going to do both. And so, because I think that she, you know, was worried about the same thing, because the military can, you know, military can tell you whatever. It will toughen you up and tell you whatever, you know, put you wherever they need you to go.

[B]

So the bird show.