Vault: His head is literally too big

Summary

The Bert Show: "Vault: His head is literally too big"

Date: July 31, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this light-hearted and authentic episode, The Bert Show team dives into a hilarious discussion centered around a team member’s struggle with his disproportionately large head—literally, not figuratively! What starts as an update about supporting the Young Survivors Coalition’s upcoming walk and bike ride quickly devolves into playful banter around buying a bike, the struggle to find a properly fitting helmet, and memorable stories of head-related mishaps. The cast’s signature warmth and teasing camaraderie make this relatable and comical escapism, perfect for morning radio.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Young Survivors Coalition Charity Event

• [00:00-00:38]
  • Bert introduces the show's involvement in the upcoming Young Survivors Coalition charity walk/bike ride.
  • Another cast member reveals a recent spontaneous bike purchase made at a charity event.
  • Conversation quickly shifts from the charity ride to the realities of returning to biking after several years’ hiatus.

2. Bicycle Bidding and the Dreaded Additional Purchase

• [00:33-01:38]
  • The new bike owner jokes about needing more than just the bike: "I made a purchase that requires an additional purchase and I'm not prepared to face that additional purchase." (B, 00:14)
  • The team riffs on what that "additional purchase" could be, guessing accessories like bells, baskets, and reflectors.

3. Revelation: The Giant Head Dilemma

• [02:11-03:05]

  • The big reveal: the real issue is the need to buy a helmet large enough to fit a "giant head."

  • "I have a big head. Like not like ego-wise...I have a physically large noggin." (B, 02:16)

  • A lighthearted, roasting back-and-forth begins as castmates recall past stunts measuring and weighing their heads.

    Memorable Moment:

    • "The first year that we did the show, we all came in here and we weighed our heads... Jess came in like off the charts, £17. Like it was like dropping an anvil." (A, 02:44)

4. Playful Teasing & Exaggeration

• [03:05-04:00]
  • The hosts riff on the comically enormous head size, suggesting industrial equipment or custom molding would be needed for a suitable helmet.
  • "Can you dip me in plaster like I'm getting braces?" (B, 04:28)
  • References are made to engineering solutions and the kind of headgear seen with the Shriners or the Space Needle in Seattle.

5. Shopping for Hats & Helmets: Lifelong Struggles

• [04:00-04:40]
  • The struggle extends to regular hats: "No hat? Really? You can't go into a store and no hat fits his head?" (C, 03:56)
  • The cast jokes about sizing hesitations—ignoring offers for free hats due to anxiety about admitting the head's circumference.

6. Bike Helmet Dilemma Escalates

• [04:40-05:19]
  • The group jokes: "I think they're gonna have to pull that thing off the bottom of the ocean that they're trying to plug the oil well with." (B, 05:10)
  • Comparison to wearing a "four story metal oil containment device" for safety.

7. Can We Measure His Head—Live?

• [05:19-05:58]
  • The cast proposes an on-air head measurement, with everyone guessing at the circumference.
  • "Let's get a tape measure and measure 48 inches." (A, 05:27)
  • "Maybe wearing the top of the Space Needle from Seattle. Get it?" (B, 05:53)
  • They tease making this a segment for a future show.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "I have a big head. Like not like ego-wise...I have a physically large noggin." – B, 02:16
• "The first year that we did the show, we all came in here and we weighed our heads... Jess came in like off the charts, £17. Like it was like dropping an anvil." – A, 02:44
• "Can you dip me in plaster like I'm getting braces?" – B, 04:28
• "I think they're gonna have to pull that thing off the bottom of the ocean that they're trying to plug the oil well with." – B, 05:10
• "Let's get a tape measure and measure 48 inches." – A, 05:27
• "Maybe wearing the top of the Space Needle from Seattle. Get it?" – B, 05:53

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00 – Charity event announcement and spontaneous bike purchase
• 01:33 – Nostalgia about learning to ride a bike
• 02:11 – Big head dilemma revealed
• 02:44 – Recalling "head weighing" antics
• 04:00 – Hat shopping anxiety and promo hats
• 05:10 – Helmet analogies and engineering jokes
• 05:19 – Proposing live head measurement for future episode

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Tone and Energy

The tone is classic morning radio—fast-paced, playful, and slightly irreverent. The cast's camaraderie is obvious: ribbing each other affectionately, volleying one-liners, and turning everyday struggles into comedy gold. They handle self-deprecation and teasing with genuine warmth, making listeners feel like part of the inside joke.

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Takeaway

While the episode starts with a nod to charitable action and healthy habits, it perfectly encapsulates The Bert Show’s appeal: turning a simple bike ride into a memorable, laugh-filled story about big heads, bigger personalities, and the everyday quirks that unite friends and entertain listeners.

Transcript

[A]

The first show. So we're helping out the Young Survivors Coalition with this walk and bike ride in a couple of months. And you can get all the info up online right [e-mail] but just interested in actually, you know, he gonna get out there and he's gonna get sweaty.

[B]

Yeah, well, maybe because I, I got overly ambitious. A couple weeks ago at an event, I made a purchase that requires an additional purchase and I'm not prepared to face that additional purchase.

[C]

Uh oh, what was the first thing you purchased?

[B]

No big deal. I purchased myself a bicycle.

[A]

Now with the thought that you would

[B]

ride in, in the young. So I actually hadn't thought of it. But you bring it up that way, I'm like, that's really cool. Because they have like a little 10 mile ride or 20 mile ride. That'd be easy, right? And I seriously haven't been on a bike probably in half a dozen years. Just don't own one, don't have one. And then I'm at this charity thing and there's a bike.

[A]

And just the thought of you riding a bicycle down the road to me for whatever reason is funny.

[B]

It's not a unicycle, dude, tricycle, spandex pants. Just a regular bike with a big giant front wheel and a tiny little back wheel. And down I go. I don't know why that's funny. But anyway, so I'm at this charity thing and it's there and it's a good price and I put my bid in and I get it and then I go over to the charity offices and I pick up my bike and throw it in the car and I take it up to the lake and I'm driving around, you know, riding around on the bike, you know, I'm like, ah, it's cool man. It really is. It is true. Once you learn to ride a bike, you've got it forever. Yeah.

[C]

You never forget.

[B]

Yeah. So I'm like, I'm gonna start riding a bike. And then it dawned on me.

[C]

Safety first, my friend.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, you mean the bell. You gotta get the little ring, ring,

[C]

ring, ring, ring, bell. You need a basket to carry Sasha in. Some reflectors.

[A]

Reflectors. Or that big flag that goes in the bed that attaches to the back of the banana seat.

[C]

All that card to put in there.

[B]

I'd be fine with all that, no problem. I could go to Dick's Sporting Goods or Walmart and trick it out if I wanted to.

[C]

Some kind of like, I don't know, sticker, little bicycle, sticker to put on.

[B]

Sadly, I don't know that a regular retail store would have what I need.

[C]

I would put my money on the fact that they would not.

[A]

It's about to get sad in here.

[B]

I have a big head.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Like not like ego wise. Like I'm a cocky guy who walks around here all well, that too.

[C]

Well, that's what I'm talking about. Maybe, maybe this is the reason why

[B]

you have the attitude. I have a physically large noggin.

[C]

I mean, you have a huge head.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Hold on. I might have some sad music here. I'm not sure if this is going to work. Oh yeah.

[C]

I mean it's. His head is oddly. It's massive. Big. I'm sorry, honey.

[A]

The first year that we did the show, we all came in here and we weighed our heads because Jess just looks larger than everybody.

[C]

We literally put our head on scale.

[A]

Put our head on a scale. And you know, like Melissa's came in like at 11 pounds. You know, mine was like a little bean at six or something like that. And Jess came in like off the charts, £17. Like it was like dropping an anvil. It's like we had to use one of those big old 18 wheeler truck scales.

[C]

Yeah. That little NATO went, you know, went around three full times before I go.

[B]

If. When I was a kid, when I went swimming, I think they put the little floaties around my neck because I was so top heavy.

[A]

It's a large head.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

And so I think. And I haven't looked into it yet. Cause I'm nervous, but if I'm gonna, you know, like if I'm gonna. I'm guessing that if I do the ride that you were talking about, Bert, that the Young survivors coalition thing, they're probably gonna require everybody to wear a helmet and even, you know, I mean,

[C]

isn't it raw or something or should be.

[B]

So at some point in the near future, I'm gonna have to wrap a tape measure or two around my head. No, Wendy, I. Haven't you measured your tiny little ferret?

[C]

No. Don't bring my hands into this. I don't.

[B]

She traces her hand for Thanksgiving and it looks like a little baby chick.

[C]

No hat? Really? You can't go into a store and no hat fits his head?

[B]

Frankie from our promotions department some. I think the new era cat people said, hey, we're going to give everybody in the building some cool hats. Just send us your size and your favorite teams. And I ignored the email because I'm nervous. Look at the size of this Thing.

[A]

It's a big. It's a big old knife.

[B]

I don't want to measure this.

[A]

So what are you going to. There's got to be a bike helmet, though, that fits you.

[C]

No, it's going to be custom made. You know that, Zach, you know that

[A]

I would custom make a bike house. Somebody would have to come in here and put a molding around it.

[C]

I'm serious.

[B]

Because can you dip me in plaster like I'm getting braces?

[C]

There's gotta be somebody in the Shriners who has hats made. I don't think that would even fit him. I mean, seriously, people, because. Katie.

[B]

Hey, Melissa. I'm right freaking here and I can hear you.

[C]

I know.

[B]

Right here.

[C]

Well. Cause Katie. Katie rides. I mean, she's done, you know, like many triathlons and stuff. She has a bike and a helmet stuff. So I was gonna be supportive. And I got a bike that's been collecting dust in the garage ever since then. And one of the things we got when we were at the bike shop was a helmet. For me. And it's like any. I mean, they're average. I mean, average size.

[B]

But then the hard part is that nobody looks real cool in a bike helmet anyways. But when you put like. I think they're gonna have to pull that thing off the bottom of the ocean that they're trying to plug the oil well with. I think I'm gonna be wearing.

[C]

There's a use for the one that didn't work last week.

[B]

I think I'm gonna have to wear a four story metal oil containment device on my head so I don't get hurt if I fall.

[C]

Okay. Can we measure air?

[B]

What can we measure?

[C]

Can we measure your head on air? I want to measure it now.

[B]

Come on, y' all have to make a guess.

[A]

Let's get a tape measure and measure 48 inches.

[B]

It's not 48 inches.

[A]

It's like the size of my waist.

[B]

It's a 30.

[C]

What's the average man's man head? No, I'm sorry. What's the average hat size for a man?

[A]

I don't even know where hat size starts.

[C]

Yeah, I think they're around seven something, right?

[B]

No, that's just. That's the hat size. I just want.

[C]

That's just the hat size.

[B]

If I'm getting this custom made, I need to know inches around.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, we're doing that tomorrow.

[B]

Maybe wearing the top of the Space Needle from Seattle. Get it?

[A]

The bird show.