Vault: His son asked him, "Why don't I have boobies?"

Summary

The Bert Show — Vault: His Son Asked Him, "Why Don't I Have Boobies?"

Episode Date: June 5, 2026
Hosts: The Bert Show Cast (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Daniel, and guest Carl)

Episode Overview

This episode centers on the hilarious yet relatable parental challenge of answering unexpectedly direct questions from young children about anatomy and reproduction. Producer Carl shares the story of his 7-year-old son bluntly asking, “Why don’t I have boobies?” The conversation quickly turns into frank and funny recollections from the Bert Show team about navigating these tricky “birds and bees” discussions, often with very little warning.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Ambush Question (00:32–02:10)

• Carl's Story: Carl recounts being caught off-guard by his seven-year-old son asking about "boobies" during an innocent moment watching TV.
  • "All of out the blue, he asked me, why doesn't he…he has boobies. That's how it starts." (00:50, Carl)
• Carl emphasizes wanting to be open and honest with his son, referencing his own upbringing and the importance of building trust.
  • "I want to be right there and be straightforward and honest with my son... I gotta be real, just straightforward with you, man." (01:11, Carl)

2. Giving the Full Truth—Perhaps Too Soon? (02:10–03:53)

• Carl decides to go all in with honesty, explaining reproduction bluntly using medical terms.
  • "I use the penis goes into the vagina and I stepped away from it real fast." (02:26, Carl)
• Humor emerges as they speculate his young son might think “penisgoesintothevagina” is one long word.
  • "The 7 year old thinks that's all one word. He thinks that's one long medical word. Like peanuts going to the vagina's room." (02:41, Co-host)
• The immediate aftermath: Carl’s son calmly accepts the information and returns to his show, while later, Carl’s wife calls, embarrassed after their son hints at his new knowledge.
  • "Mommy, you know, I know how I got here." (03:16, Carl’s wife quoting the son)
• Co-hosts discuss parental embarrassment and the pressure of fielding these questions.

3. Comparing Approaches & Gender Dynamics (04:09–06:31)

• Daniel assures Carl he did the right thing, noting his own young child is already asking questions about gender differences.
  • "No, I don't think so...My two year old has asked...he knows daddy has a penis and he knows that mommy has a vagina now..." (04:23, Daniel)
• Discussion about whether explanations would differ for daughters versus sons. Carl admits he might be gentler—or ask his wife to join the conversation—if explaining to his daughters.
  • "I would have told her the truth, but I think I would have been a little bit more easy about it…" (05:52, Carl)
  • "But my son just. Yeah, this raw and uncut, buddy." (06:17, Carl)

4. Kids’ Timing & Parental Anxiety (05:07–07:12)

• The group relates to the randomness and bluntness of children's questions, likening the experience to a surprise Gatorade bath for an unsuspecting football coach.
  • "I would imagine it's the same feeling as the football coaches who get the big old tub of Gatorade thrown on them..." (05:07, Co-host)
• Carl worries retrospectively about what his son might be telling his siblings, and whether the information will spread.
• Parental overthinking: Carl wonders if his son is putting together more than he’s letting on—or if he’s seen more than Carl realizes.
  • "I'm thinking, like, how does he know? Like, he's putting it all together. Has he ever seen us? …All up in my dome." (06:39, Carl)

5. The “Why” Loop and Teacher Perspective (07:12–08:46)

• A male elementary school teacher (call-in guest) shares his own classroom experiences with curious children, noting how these “big” questions routinely arise, especially during lessons on mammals and anatomy.
  • "As a male elementary school teacher, imagine that, what he had that just caught him off guard. I'll have 20 children sitting in front of me and one child will throw a question like that out." (07:16, Caller)
  • "Humans are actually mammals... The children are like, no way, no way, I'm not an animal. And they'll fight you on it." (07:50, Caller)
• Daniel points out his biggest parental fear: the never-ending sequence of “Why?” questions coming from his own toddler.
  • "I'll tell you which word scares me more than anything else now is the word why. Especially when it comes to my two years." (08:34, Daniel)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• (01:11, Carl): "Dad, kings don't lie."
  • Carl recounts a moment where his son confronted him about honesty, reinforcing Carl's decision to be straightforward.
• (02:41, Co-host): "The 7 year old thinks that's all one word. He thinks that's one long medical word."
  • Joke about how kids process adult explanations.
• (03:16, Carl quoting wife): "Mommy, you know, I know how I got here."
  • The son’s innocent-yet-hilarious announcement to his mother.
• (05:07, Co-host): "It's the same feeling as the football coaches who get the big old tub of Gatorade thrown on them..."
• (06:39, Carl): "All up in my dome."
  • Carl describes the overthinking spiral parents fall into after “the talk.”
• (08:34, Daniel): "I'll tell you which word scares me more than anything else now is the word why."

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Important Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|------------------------------------------------| | 00:32 | Introduction to Carl’s story | | 01:11 | On being honest and present with children | | 02:26 | Carl’s direct explanation of reproduction | | 03:16 | The aftermath—son tells mom what he learned | | 04:23 | Daniel shares his own child’s curiosity | | 05:07 | Comparing the feeling to surprise Gatorade bath| | 06:39 | Carl’s parental overthinking | | 07:16 | Male elementary teacher caller's perspective | | 08:34 | Daniel's dread of the "Why?" cycle |

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Tone and Takeaway

The episode is candid, lighthearted, and full of relatable parental humor. The Bert Show crew turn an awkward parenting moment into a communal confessional, reassuring listeners that there’s no perfect way to handle “the talk”—and every parent winds up winging it. Their authentic storytelling and banter underline just how unpredictable and funny parenting can be, especially when honesty and innocence collide.

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If you’re a parent (or ever were a kid!), this episode will make you laugh, cringe, and maybe reflect on your own “boobies” moment.

Transcript

[Host]

What's up, everybody?

[Bretzky]

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[Co-host Daniel]

We got to bring producer Carl in here. He's been at the same place that I'm scared of being at. And that's when your 7 year old starts asking you about the birds and the bees. And as the words are coming out of your mouth, you know you're hacking it, right?

[Host]

Exactly. I know I am.

[Co-host Daniel]

So how does this all go down? Are y' all like, watching TV or something?

[Host]

Ah, my son, you know, he's seven years old, so he's asking all kind of questions, just random questions. All of. All of out the blue, he asked me, why doesn't he. He has boobies. That's how it starts.

[Co-host Daniel]

Does he even say, dad, I got a question for you. Y' all sitting there around watching Phineas and Ferb. And he goes, how come I don't have boobs?

[Host]

Exactly like that.

[Co-host]

Ambushed. You got ambushed?

[Host]

I'm like, because you know what? I want to be like. I want to be there. Like, you know, when I grew up, my dad was in a different city, so he was kind of there on the phone, but he wasn't there. You make a difference when you're there. So I want to be right there and be straightforward and honest with my son and, you know, not try to. I want to be right there and just, boom, ready for the world. At 16, dad knows everything. Yeah, man, because one thing I told him, I told him a lie one time and he found out. Then he said, dad, the kings don't lie. I said, because, you know, I'm calling myself the king around the house and prince and all that stuff. So he said, dad, kings don't lie. So when he said that, I'm like, okay, I gotta be real, just straightforward with you, man. He said this a few years ago. So he asked me about the boobs, right? So I decided, Yeah, first of all, I'm shocked that he. That he called it booby. I'm like, where you get boobies from? I don't say boobies. I say tata, you know, whatever. So. So he asked me about that. So I decided to be straightforward with him. He started asking me where babies come from. And it starts getting deeper and deeper. So I take a deep breath. Okay, should I tell him the truth or should I wait? So I'm like, forget it, man. I tell him the truth. I say, all right, son. Babies come from. I used. I don't know, man. I use. Can I use these words?

[Co-host Daniel]

Well, it depends what you're gonna say. Penis.

[Host]

Yeah, yeah. Okay. I use the penis. Goes into the vagina. And I stepped away from it real fast.

[Caller - Male Elementary Teacher]

I bet you did.

[Lady Luck]

You said it really fast.

[Host]

I said, goes in vagina real fast. I didn't give him. I was thinking that the seven year

[Co-host]

old thinks that's all one word. He thinks that's one long medical word. Like peanuts going to the vagina's room.

[Host]

Exactly. I'm hoping that he didn't have a chance to process it. So he catches the whole thing. He slows it down. He doesn'. Vagina. I'm so. Yeah, son. So we go into just a little bit and then he goes, okay. And walks off and goes, finish watching fitness and Ferb. So later on in the day, I get a call from my wife. So she's like, man, what did you tell Kylie? I'm like, I told him he know the truth. And so she's embarrassed. Cause he walks in the. She walks in this room and he's smiling at her like, mommy, you know, I know how I got here. Oh, no. So she calls me, she said, you should have gave me me to talk because I'm the one feeling embarrassed. Because she's thinking that now he's looking at her. What daddy's doing to her now he probably is. I don't think so.

[Co-host Daniel]

Well, I mean, he's connecting the dots.

[Host]

Yeah. He's still figuring it out. And that's what I mean. So it's cool for him to kind of figure it out. Like right now he's seven. By the time he actually figures it out, he'll be what, 8 or 9? And, you know, he. You know, he's learning. It's the truth, buddy.

[Co-host Daniel]

He's smart kid. He's starting to put it all together. So did Nichelle go back and did she give him a different reason?

[Host]

No, she hadn't touched it.

[Co-host Daniel]

She hasn't touched it.

[Host]

She hadn't touched it at all. Now when I get back home then, you know, I explain a little bit more. You know, I have daughters. Avoiding her kid at all costs.

[Co-host Daniel]

Go to your room.

[Host]

And I promise you, man, it's funny. Because you're trying to be real careful when you're doing all of this, right? You want to be as careful and as direct as you can. But I think I was a little bit premature of telling him the truth, you know?

[Co-host Daniel]

No, I don't think so. I don't think so.

[Host]

I don't think so.

[Co-host Daniel]

No. My two year old has asked.

[Lady Luck]

Really?

[Co-host Daniel]

Yeah. He's already asked. You know, he knows daddy has a penis and he knows that mommy has a vagina now, because he's made us explain it to him. How come Mommy doesn't have a penis.

[Co-host]

That's a European band right there. They're going to open for Foo Fighters at some music festival in, like, a town called Dublin Shire.

[Co-host Daniel]

So. So, yeah, they start getting really inquisitive early. But the thing is, is that they hit you with questions at the strangest times, and it's not a big deal to them. They don't know that they're about to ask you a big question. They don't brace you for it. So you'll just be sitting there watching tv, and then, daddy, how come men don't have boobs? Comes out.

[Co-host]

I would imagine it's the same feeling as the football coaches who get the big old tub of Gatorade thrown on them without even, you know. And they're not ready for it, right? Your shoulders go up, your head goes down, you shock on your face.

[Host]

That's exactly the way you feel. And the thing is, when you tell him all this truth and all this extra grown up stuff, and he looks at you, oh, okay. You kind of feel like, all right, I did the right thing. But then you get that call, like the repercussion call. Exactly. But the thing about me is I have daughters and I'm not sure of what my son is telling my daughter.

[Co-host Daniel]

Oh, no.

[Host]

So I have to be clear on what I'm doing with them. And I think I was a little premature. I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna tell my son the truth.

[Co-host Daniel]

Would the conversation have been different with your daughters than it was? So what would you have said to your daughters?

[Host]

I would have told her the truth, but I think I would have been a little bit more easy about it. Penis and vagina just, you know, I don't even know if my son even. I don't even know if he'd even heard the words before. But he knows what it is.

[Co-host Daniel]

He's obviously heard the word boobs, right?

[Host]

I know, right? Boobies. I'm like, but I mean, how else

[Co-host Daniel]

are you gonna tell Your daughters, it's the exact same thing. I mean, they are eventually gonna. The vagina and about the penis. So why.

[Host]

I think I would re. I would have reel my wife in on that one. I would have told her the truth. Yeah, I would have told her the truth and been there, but had her speaking it, you know, so daddy could be a part of it. But my son just. Yeah, this raw and uncut, buddy.

[Co-host Daniel]

Now you're like, what did I do?

[Host]

Literally, right?

[Co-host Daniel]

You're starting to put it together now also, man. Like, oh, so now I'm starting to get how I got here.

[Host]

Right, right. He's with us though, man. And you know, we got a crack in our bedroom door. So I'm thinking about all this stuff now. You know, I'm thinking, like, how does he know? Like, he's putting it all together. Has he ever seen us? Or. I'm like, man, you're all up in your head now. All up in my dome.

[Co-host Daniel]

I wish there was a way that they could brace us for stuff like that, but they just don't know. They just blurt it out. They just blurt it out like, this is not a big deal or anything, dad, but how come I.

[Host]

And you know what? You're right, because that happens. You don't expect it, but I don't expect to be caught off guard. But it will catch you off guard. Parents sure will smack you right in the face.

[Co-host Daniel]

Daniel, good morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller - Male Elementary Teacher]

Hey, good morning, guys. What's going on?

[Co-host Daniel]

You tell us.

[Caller - Male Elementary Teacher]

Oh, man. I've taught first grade for the last five years. And as a male elementary school teacher, imagine that, what he had that just caught him off guard. I'll have 20 children sitting in front of me and one child will throw a question like that out.

[Co-host Daniel]

Oh, fancy. You've got built in excuse. So you could say, why don't you go home and ask your parents, right?

[Caller - Male Elementary Teacher]

Yeah. But the funny thing is, is I try to be very, you know, cerebral and talk to the children about that kind of stuff. But like that question about, you know, why don't I have boobies? I mean, we'll talk about mammals and reptiles and stuff. And we have to explain that mammals give live birth and feed their babies milk. And I always get into a conversation that humans are actually mammals. And the children are like, no way, no way, I'm not an animal. And they'll fight you on it. And when you know, the characteristics are like, you have fur, you know, so your eyebrows are fur. And your mom gives your baby brother or baby sister Milk. And it's funny because half of them will smile because they've seen it. Then the other half just stare at the other ones like how come he knows more than I do what's going on?

[Host]

Right?

[Caller - Male Elementary Teacher]

Yeah. But I have to. I have to get into all that stuff at some point. It is hilarious the way they look at you.

[Co-host Daniel]

I'll tell you which word scares me more than anything else now is the word why. Especially when it comes to my two years.

[Host]

Two year old. Oh yeah.

[Co-host Daniel]

Because it's just a chain of wise until you get to the base of everything.

[Host]

Everything is a why.

[Co-host Daniel]

I feel like I need to know everything about planning for that kid because he won't take the first answer. Always why, why, why and why.

[Bretzky]

Get it?

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