Vault: His Whole Life He Was Told His Dad Was Dead. He Thinks That's a Lie

Summary

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The Bert Show

Episode Summary: “Vault: His Whole Life He Was Told His Dad Was Dead. He Thinks That’s a Lie”

Date: April 10, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this gripping and emotional episode, the Bert Show team talk with listener Chris, who has lived his whole life believing his biological father was dead. Now 22, Chris is starting to question the conflicting stories from his family and wonders if his father could actually be alive. The hosts guide him through his uncertainty, touching on themes of family secrets, trust, identity, and the search for truth. The show also features calls from listeners who've experienced similar situations, providing both empathy and advice.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Chris’s Story: Confusion and Curiosity

• Chris explains the conflicting stories he’s heard from various family members about his father’s death.
  • “I was told that he died when I was 2. I was told that he died before I was born. My grandma won’t talk to me about it. My mom...says that he died before I was born. My aunt...says that he died when I was 2.” (Chris, 00:18–00:28)
• He expresses fear of offending his loving stepdad by asking about his biological father.
• Visiting his grandmother recently rekindled his curiosity—each time he asks to see the gravesite, something prevents it (01:56).
• Chris has never seen a gravesite or headstone—only a photograph of his father (02:45).

The Digital Search:

• Chris describes his own investigations online:
  • “I can’t find death records, I can’t find anything that says that he [died]...When I did a Google search, I found that it said that he was living in Pittsburgh, California. He’s 46 years old, that he had an address and a phone number…” (Chris, 03:51–04:15)
• Raises doubt in him—did his family lie? Or could his mother truly believe the story she’s told?

Emotional Stakes & Questions of Identity

• The hosts note the deep psychological impact:
  • “If it turns out not to be true, now you’ve got this whole line of deception behind you with the people that you do know...you’re looking for closure in one area. But if you get closure in one area, it’s gonna open up a whole bunch of wounds in another area.” (Host A, 04:50–05:27)
• Chris acknowledges: “Yeah, it’ll definitely rock my world if he’s still alive.” (05:31)
• The dilemma: Should he pursue the truth, or let it go as some advice?

Listener Calls & Perspectives

Julie’s Call — Advice to Leave It Alone (06:13)

• Julie describes a similar situation, expressing her belief that sometimes, what you don’t know can’t hurt you:
  • "If your mom doesn’t want you to know, maybe that’s a good reason. Maybe you should just leave it alone." (Julie, 06:20)
• Chris immediately disagrees: “I can’t. There’s too much data pointing that it’s possible that he’s alive.” (06:46)

The Pressure to Know

• Host E raises the specter of the father’s presence—could he be someone Chris unknowingly encounters in his daily life? (06:53)
• Host D wonders: “Does he know about you?”—raising questions about what the father was told, and why the split happened (07:05–07:22).
• Chris suspects a darker family truth:
  • "He did get put in jail for...I think possibly drugs...they just don't want me to know about it." (Chris, 07:23–07:46)
• Questions asked about the veracity of this jail story and the sources—are these facts or additional family fabrications? (07:49–08:06)

Mike’s Call — The Power and Pain of Seeking Truth (08:33)

• Listener Mike shares a resonant story: lied to for decades, he found his father through family confessions and the internet at 32, gaining closure but also new family strain.
  • “My biggest word of advice to you is, do what your heart tells you to do...there’s always going to be that question in the back of your mind if you don’t do it, you know, what if… And that’s what I thought my whole life, because I had a lot of anger issues growing up.” (Mike, 09:23–10:38)

The Hosts Reflect: The Enduring Power of Parenting

• Discussion turns to how parental relationships—good or bad, presence or absence—shape a child permanently.
  • “As a parent, you have to know that that child is so connected to you for the rest of their life.” (C, 10:45–10:53)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Chris (on the discovery process):

  • “The only thing I’ve ever seen or know about my dad is a picture. That’s it.” (02:45)
  • “Yeah, it’ll definitely rock my world if he’s still alive.” (05:31)

• Host A (on the emotional complexity):

  • “The more answers he gets, the more if they’re true, then the more alienation he’s gonna feel to the people that have been lying to him all these years.” (11:39)

• Mike (on finding his father):

  • “You don’t want to…grow up saying, you know, what if. You know, why wasn’t he there? I mean, did he not want me or… And that’s what I thought my whole life, because I had a lot of anger issues growing up.” (10:27)

• Host C (on the impact of parental relationships):

  • “Regardless of if you’re in their life or not in their life. As a parent, you have to know that that child is so connected to you for the rest of their life.” (10:45)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:18–00:38: Chris details conflicting stories about his father’s death
• 01:56–02:49: Chris explains attempts to visit a gravesite and see proof
• 03:51–04:15: Chris describes his online search and shocking results
• 05:31: Chris: “Yeah, it’ll definitely rock my world if he’s still alive.”
• 06:13–06:46: Listener Julie calls in, urges letting it go; Chris responds
• 07:05–07:46: Chris wonders if his father was in jail, questions family honesty
• 08:33–10:38: Mike’s emotional call sharing his own journey to find the truth
• 10:41–10:53: Hosts reflect on the lifelong effect of parental ties
• 11:39–12:01: Hosts discuss the compounding pain truth may bring

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Final Thoughts

The episode is an emotional rollercoaster, expertly balancing empathy and practical advice as Chris faces one of life’s most critical personal mysteries. The hosts and listeners connect over shared stories of loss, deception, and the drive to know one’s roots, revealing how the truth can both heal and hurt. The show closes on the lasting impact of parenting and the difficult choices in the search for identity.

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Transcript

[A]

You're on the Burt Show. Hey, Chris.

[B]

Hey, guys. How you doing?

[A]

Good. Good morning. How are you?

[B]

I'm doing pretty good. Just getting ready to catch a flight and head to D.C. bizarre.

[A]

Bizarre story you have here, man.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you think your dad died when you were two years old?

[B]

I was told several different stories. I was told that he died when I was 2. I was told that he died before I was born. My grandma won't talk to me about it. My mom, you know, she says that he died before I was born. My aunt, she says that he died when I was 2. So, I mean, I really. I don't know, Like, I don't know anything about him. I don't. I don't know really much of anything.

[A]

How old are you now?

[B]

I'm 22.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Did you already have an idea in your head because it was different stories being told you by different family members that something wasn't right about it?

[B]

Yeah. And, you know, I never really asked too much because I have such a great stepdad who I'm kind of afraid to offend in a way. So if I feel like if I ask about my other dad in front of him, it's kind of like I feel like I'm going to make him feel like he's not doing a good job.

[A]

I understand that. I want to go through the history here a little bit. Your stepdad came along when you were how old?

[B]

I think he came along when I was around 4.

[A]

Okay, so he really is the father that you knew. So you weren't asking about your dad before that?

[B]

Right.

[A]

All right, so as far as you are concerned, this is your father. And at what point did they tell you that this is your stepdad and this is not your natural father?

[B]

You know, I really can't even recall when they told me that. It's always kind of been like. It seems like I've always known. He was my stepfather since I was little. So I'm guessing, you know, since I met him, pretty much.

[D]

So if you thought that your dad was dead and you have this great stepdad, what sparked sparks the interest in knowing if he's alive or not? I mean, how did the whole question come up?

[B]

Well, just recently, I went and visited my grandma, and we had plans all the time to go. Every time I go down there to go see my dad's grave site. But it always seems, you know, as his son, that's kind of important to me. I want to. I want to visit that spot. You know, I want to see that he's really not here, you know, and every time that ever comes up, it's like there's something else going on or we don't ever make it or we're too busy in it. And so I kind of made me kind of ask more questions. And the more different stories I got, the more curious I got about it. And I mean, I really. I really have never. I pretty much have taken people's words for it until just recently, so.

[E]

So you've never seen a headstone or a gravesite for your dad?

[B]

The only thing I've ever seen or know about my dad is a picture. That's it.

[A]

So when you started getting curious, you know, you get the hints here from grandma that maybe it's not accurate. When you went to your mom, what did she tell you?

[B]

Well, she stands by pretty much what she told me. My whole life is that my dad was killed in California when I was. Before I was born. And basically he was trying not to get choked up. I'm sorry. That basically he was murdered by a friend of his. They got into an argument about a girl and that kind of led something further. And so I kind of just. I kind of believed that my whole life. I mean, you know, that was fact.

[A]

To me, it seems like everything's online. So if you did like a simple Google or a Bing search, that you'd be able to at least look up some of the details on what hap. You know, that would. Collaborate. Collaborate.

[E]

Yeah, you're right.

[A]

The story corroborate.

[B]

That's exactly what I did too. And I can't find death records, I can't find anything that says that he did. And actually when I did a Google search, I found that it said that he was living in Pittsburgh, California, he's 46 years old, that he had an address and a phone number and it had had all of his siblings on there, said possible siblings, Molly, Levi, Christina, and. Wow, that was. What's up.

[C]

I was just saying, wow, now we're

[A]

all kind of surprised.

[D]

Is it possible that your mom also truly believes that story? That she's not telling you a fabricated story, that that story was told to her and she really believes it too?

[B]

Well, I mean, possibly, but, you know, that's what my aunt says, that's what my grandma says. So, I mean, and I.

[C]

And I think if it's the father of my child, I would want my child to see the grave site and everything. And just like a birth certificate, there are official death certificates, like you said, you couldn't find any records.

[A]

So well, there's so many different levels of this thing to be, like, emotional about and curious about, because if it turns out not to be true, now you've got this whole line of deception sort of behind you with the people that you do know. You also have questions about yourself. You know, me and my dad had a disconnection for a very long time, and I found a lot of comfort when we. When we finally got back in with each other on why I do certain things the way I do them. From what he told me about himself, you don't have that. So you're looking for closure in one area. But if you get closure in one area, it's gonna open up a whole bunch of wounds in another area.

[B]

Yeah, it'll definitely rock my world if he's still alive.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

So if you have all the names and you found the address and you found the phone number, then there's what's the story? Why don't you just pick up the phone or go to the house or start talking to some of the relatives that you already have the names for?

[B]

Well, when I did the search, it said it didn't give the address. You have to pay for the. And then when I was talking to my friend, my buddy was sitting right next to me, and he said that a lot of times when you pay for that, they really don't have anything at all. So it's better to get somebody else to do it who can actually find that stuff. You know, I would agree with that without getting duped on the Internet.

[A]

Good morning, Julie. You're on Q100.

[F]

Hi, Bert. I just want to say I love the show.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

Thank you.

[F]

And I think that he should leave it alone. I think. I mean, I have a similar situation with my parents, and I've got a stepdad. And, you know, my grandparents had different stories about him. My aunt had different stories about him, and they were all pretty negative. And I think if your mom doesn't want you to know, maybe that's a good reason. Maybe you should just leave it alone.

[A]

Could you live with that?

[F]

Yeah. I mean, I'm fine with it. My stepdad is great.

[B]

I can't. There's too much data pointing that it's possible that he's alive.

[E]

And if he's out there. Yeah, if he's out there. You can't. Because then it's always in the back of your mind, is he the guy ringing you up at Kroger? Is he the guy that, you know, you just passed walking through the mall, whatever.

[D]

Or My questions would be, does he know about you?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Like, what was he told that happened to you? Does he know that you're out there and you have heard this story? Or was he forbidden to ever get in touch with you? You know, what was the reason for the split? I mean, just so many questions. What does he know about you?

[B]

I'd have to know. And see, that's. That's another thing. What I'm leaning more towards believing is that it's possible that maybe because I know that before everything happened, that he was. He did get put in jail for. I'm not sure what it was. I think possibly drugs. So think that it's very possible that he might have actually committed the crime and they just don't want me to know about it.

[A]

But how are you sure? How are you sure about the story about the drugs?

[B]

See, that's true, too. I don't know.

[E]

But, I mean, where did you. But who would tell you? Who told you that?

[B]

My mom.

[A]

Yeah, see, that's what I'm saying. I mean, this is. He's almost. Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't.

[C]

Here.

[A]

Cause how do you live with all these questions? But if he pursues it and he gets the right answer and his dad's still alive, then he's got a whole different set of reasons to be on a therapist couch.

[D]

Yeah, I think. And does his stepdad know the real story?

[F]

Damn.

[C]

Because the thing is, I mean, if somebody's going to go to that extreme to lie on something so important, they're protecting something, you know? So it's getting down to the reason that all your family had lied to you. If you find out that he's alive.

[G]

Hey, Mike.

[A]

Good morning. You're part of the Burt Show.

[B]

Hey, guys.

[G]

I just want to say I just met my biological father when I was 32. I just turned 33. And I was lied to my whole life because when I was younger, I was abused and my dad tried to get custody of me because my mom's ex boyfriend was abusing me when I was little. And she kept moving from place to place, and everybody kept telling me, you know, my dad was dead and this and that. Well, in 2005, before my grandmother passed away, she told me, she said, mike, you need to know the truth. And I was like, what? And she told me that I, you know, my dad was alive and I had a sister. Well, my wife. And I was looking for him and everything. And then last year on my birthday, my father text, you know, sent me an email on MySpace and said, you know, are you Vernon Tolby? And I was like, yeah. And she. And he said, well, I'm your father.

[E]

Wow, that's so popular stuff right there, Deathbed says.

[G]

And I said, well, you know, And I told him, you know, and I asked him. I was like, well, why did you leave me? You know, why weren't you there? And he said, you know, I tried to get custody of you and stuff. And my stepfather actually told me. He said, you know, go. You know, he said, you need to know the truth. And my father was like, well, you know, he flew me to Texas because that's where he lives. And he said, you know, I have all this information to prove to you, you know, that I didn't leave you. I mean, he had court documents where he tried to get custody of me and stuff. And my biggest word of advice to you is, do what your heart tells you to do. I mean, me and my biological father now, we have a great relationship. We talk at least two or three times a week on the phone. You know, my mom and I, our relationships, kind of rocky because I found out the truth, you know, but that's still my mom, you know, I still love her, you know, but, you know, there's always going to be that question in the back of your mind if you don't do it, you know, what if. And you don't want to, you know, grow up. I mean, I'm 33 now, you know, you don't want to grow up saying, you know, what if. You know, why wasn't he there? I mean, did he not want me or. And that's what I thought my whole life, because I had a lot of anger issues growing up.

[C]

I am fascinated by the power of parenting.

[B]

Oh, my God. Yeah.

[A]

You know, it shapes your entire life

[C]

regardless of if you're in their life or not in their life. As a parent, you have to know that that child is so connected to you for the rest of their life.

[A]

No need to put you on hold because we have all your info, but we'll have Blue Dog get in touch with you, and you can get aggressive with this if you want or don't. You know, I mean, this is pretty serious stuff, and you're gonna go through an emotional roller coaster here, so I don't want to push you into something for the good of the radio, you know, so take your time with it, and when you're ready to pursue it, let us know, or Blue Dog will let us know, and we'll get some answers from you or at least start to try to get some answers for you.

[B]

All right, guys, I really appreciate it.

[C]

All right, Good luck.

[B]

Travel.

[C]

I'm sorry you have to go through this, though, but.

[B]

Yeah, it sucks.

[D]

Gotta get answers, though.

[A]

Yeah, totally gotcha.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

All right, Chris, we'll talk to you soon.

[B]

Alrighty, guys. Bye.

[A]

Bye.

[C]

And we haven't even talked about when he has a family and what he's gonna tell his children about his. Their grandparents.

[A]

The one thing that just keeps coming back to me is what we brought up initially is that the more answers he gets, the more if they're true, then the more alienation he's gonna feel to the people that have been lying to him all these years. So he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

[C]

Depending on why they were lying. Depending if he finds his dad and doesn't like what he sees, then he may be. He may understand why his family lied

[A]

to him, like why they were trying to protect him. You're on the Burt Show.