Vault: Hoss And Rachel

Summary

The Bert Show (Pionaire Podcasting)

Vault: Hoss And Rachel

Air Date: November 24, 2025

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Episode Overview

This vintage episode of The Bert Show focuses on an honest, often hilarious exploration of past relationships as Hoss gets his "Relationship Report Card" from his ex-girlfriend Rachel. The show delves into their dating history, breakup, and the sometimes uncomfortable but revealing feedback that aims to help Hoss (and listeners) learn and grow in future relationships. The conversation is real, raw, and, classic for the show, full of genuine laughs and candid moments.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introducing the Relationship Report Card

[02:01–02:48]

• Premise: The Relationship Report Card segment invites an ex-partner to honestly assess what their former significant other did right and wrong, aiming to help them improve in future relationships.
• Purpose: "It's all about you. It's all about, you know, how you were in the relationship." (D, 02:13)
• Host Acknowledgement: Hoss admits to being nervous, and the crew jokes about the vulnerability required for such a segment.

2. Hoss & Rachel’s Relationship Backstory

[02:48–03:31]

• Their Timeline: They dated from junior year of college until recently, with a few on-again, off-again reconciliations.

  "We dated junior year of college through about April of this year. And it's been kind of on and off since." — Hoss ([A], 03:05)

• Breakup Reason: Both were at different points in life, complicated by recent moves.
• Quirky Aside: Running joke about Appalachian State University’s mascot.

  "Go Penguins. You know it? Home of the Penguins. Yeah. Is that really your mascot? No, the Mountaineers, I think." — Hoss & Cast ([A, G], 02:56–03:05)

3. Lighthearted Banter & Anecdotes

[03:31–04:17]

• The team jokes about Hoss’s new neighborhood and a strange man knocking at his door, tying into the show’s signature authentic humor and camaraderie.

4. Rachel’s Candid Feedback: What Hoss Could Improve

[05:11–12:05]

• Immaturity:

  "I think he had an immaturity problem. He's not as mature as I would want somebody to be." — Rachel ([G], 06:04)

• Drinking Habits:

  "He drinks quite often... If there’s a 30-day month, maybe five days out of the week. So, I guess 20 days out of the month." — Rachel ([G], 06:16–06:39)
  Drinking was not a direct source of conflict, but the amount and the differing social priorities raised suspicions.

• Thoughtfulness and Consideration:

  "He could have done like nice, sweeter things sometimes... I never got anything from him — not a note, not a care package. Even when he mailed me my license I left at a bar, it was just an envelope. Not even a note." — Rachel ([G], 08:10–09:03)

• Listening to Needs: Rachel frequently sent Hoss e-cards and messages, but didn’t receive the same effort in return, which made the long-distance nature harder.
• Word Choice: Rachel refers to Hoss as a "boy" versus a "guy," which the hosts playfully pick up on.

5. Areas Where Hoss Got High Marks

[10:10–11:36]

• Emotional Capabilities: Despite calling him immature, Rachel notes Hoss is "funny" and her "best friend."
• Physical Relationship:

  "Oh, God, yes, he's very [good]." — Rachel (about whether Hoss took care of her needs physically, [G], 10:38)
  "Is Hoss a good kisser?" "Oh, yes. Yes, he's a very good kisser." — D & Rachel ([D, G], 10:55–10:58)

• The cast has fun with Hoss’s embarrassment, adding levity:

  "Hoss is now in a fetal position." — D ([D], 10:44) "I'm sucking my thumb." — Hoss ([A], 10:47)

6. Final Feedback and Reflections

[11:36–12:47]

• Patience & Temper:

  "He gets agitated kind of easily with me... I think he just needs to be more patient and be nicer and considerate." — Rachel ([G], 11:36)

• Rachel closes by saying Hoss is fundamentally "a good guy," despite these areas for growth.
• The hosts reinforce the learning spirit of the segment: "The only thing that he heard today was that he's a good kisser and he's good in bed. Everything else is blacked out." ([D, H], 12:05–12:15)
• Hoss reflects on being confused at a new stage in life and expresses warmth for Rachel, despite the unresolved nature of their relationship.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Vulnerability

• "I don't like this at all." — Hoss ([A], 02:07)
• "This is what Relationship Report Card does. ... They will brutally be honest with you..." — D ([D], 02:17)

On Critique and Praise

• "He drinks quite often. ... Maybe five days out of the week..." — Rachel ([G], 06:16–06:39)
• "He could have done like nice, sweeter things sometimes." — Rachel ([G], 08:10)
• "Oh, God, yes, he's very [good]." — Rachel ([G], 10:38, re: physical chemistry)
• "The only thing that he heard today was that he's a good kisser and he's good in bed. Everything else is blacked out." — D ([D], 12:05)

Genuine Honesty & Affection

• "He's really funny, and he's my best friend, but ... I just think he might need a little bit more time..." — Rachel ([G], 10:15)
• "She's an awesome girl. I love her to death. And, yeah, like I said, I'm a great kisser. ... You didn't say that — she did." — Hoss ([A], 12:22–12:47)

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Structure & Timestamps of Main Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |------------|------------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:01–02:48| Introduction to Relationship Report Card (& Hoss’s nervousness) | | 02:48–03:31| Hoss & Rachel’s Relationship Backstory | | 03:31–04:17| Banter, Hoss’s new neighborhood, comedic aside | | 05:11–06:13| Rachel begins her feedback — immaturity | | 06:13–09:03| Drinking habits, lack of thoughtfulness, long-distance strain | | 10:10–10:58| Positive feedback: best friend, physical relationship | | 11:36–12:05| Final critique: patience, summary of Hoss as a partner | | 12:05–12:47| Hosts and Hoss reflect, affirm takeaway points |

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Tone and Language

True to The Bert Show style, the tone is conversational, irreverent, and affectionate — mixing honesty with comedy. Rachel is forthright but never cruel; Hoss is vulnerable and mostly good-natured, making for a relatable and entertaining listen.

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Summary Takeaway

For listeners:
This episode is both funny and insightful, demonstrating the value (and cringe) of honest self-reflection in relationships. The “Relationship Report Card” not only brings out constructive criticism but shows authentic affection and lingering connection between exes — all seasoned with plenty of comedic relief from the Bert Show team.

For Hoss:
Areas for growth: Be more emotionally mature, reduce excessive partying, show tangible thoughtfulness, and practice patience in relationships. But above all — Hoss, you’re apparently a great kisser.

Transcript

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Rachel]

So good, so good, so good.

[Nordstrom Rack Announcer]

Score holiday gifts. Everyone wants for way less at your Nordstrom Rack store. Save on Ugg, Nike, Rag and Bone, Vince Frame, Kurt Geiger, London and more.

[Rich]

Because there's always something new.

[Rachel]

I'm giving all the gifts this year with that extra 5% off when I use my Nordstrom credit card.

[Nordstrom Rack Announcer]

Santa who join the Nordy Club at Nordstrom Rack to unlock our best deals. It's easy. Big gifts, big per. That's why you wreck.

[Host/Interviewer]

The Birch show. Plus is on the hot seat. He even admitted this morning he's nervous about this.

[Hoss]

I don't like this at all.

[T-Mobile Representative]

Anybody, anybody, I think, would be nervous.

[Ryan Seacrest]

About talking to an ex, you know, and it's all about you.

[Host/Interviewer]

It's all about, you know, how you.

[Rachel]

Were in the relationship.

[Host/Interviewer]

And this is what Relationship Report Card does. Relationship Report Card is painful because you have to confront the people that used to be your boyfriends or girlfriends, and they have to. They will brutally be honest with you, tell you what you did right, tell you what you did wrong. And then by the end of the conversation, you have a little bit better of an idea how to be better for the next person. All right, so who are we going to be? Who is Rachel? Exactly. When did you guys date? And as you remember it, how did you guys break up? And how did it leave off?

[Hoss]

Let's see. We dated from, I believe, junior year of college up until recently.

[Host/Interviewer]

What college was that, by the way?

[Hoss]

Appalachian State University. Go Penguins. You know it. Home of the Penguins. Yeah.

[Rachel]

Is that really your mascot?

[Rich]

No.

[Hoss]

Mountaineers, I think. Yeah, the Mountaineers. But yeah, we dated junior year of college through about April of this year. Yeah. And it's been kind of on and off since, like, she just recently came down, like maybe a month, month and a half ago. Right when I moved down here, she came to stay for a weekend. So we. We broke up just because we were just at different Points in our lives.

[Rich]

Did you let her stay in that crime ridden neighborhood you call home?

[Hoss]

I did not. I did not. But, yeah, we broke up.

[Rich]

Come keep me safe.

[Rachel]

Keep me safe.

[T-Mobile Representative]

Answer the door, honey. Answer the door.

[Rich]

Keep me safe from the weird man in the door.

[Hoss]

Make dog sound.

[Rich]

Hey, somebody's at the door. I don't want to watch tv. What?

[Rachel]

Just get it.

[Host/Interviewer]

Hoss told us this morning somebody randomly came to his door last night, knocked on the door, some big dude. Hoss opens up the door and said. And the guy says, hey, can I watch some TV with you? Hoss says, no, I got to go to work. Closes the door, and obviously the guy was, like, looking over his shoulder, like, getting ready to rip him off.

[Hoss]

Yeah.

[Host/Interviewer]

So there's this lore between the two of you guys that obviously you can't break completely free of.

[Hoss]

Yeah.

[Host/Interviewer]

So there's been a lot of breakups and reconciliations. Breakups. Reconciliations.

[Hoss]

Exactly.

[Host/Interviewer]

Hey, Rachel.

[Rachel]

Hi.

[Host/Interviewer]

Good morning. How are you?

[Rachel]

I'm great.

[Host/Interviewer]

Well, you understand what we're trying to do with Hoss here?

[Rachel]

I think so. I. He just called me really quick and kind of said, but I don't really. I'm not really sure he wants to.

[Rich]

Know why you don't love him.

[Host/Interviewer]

That's not it at all, really. What we are trying to do is make Hoss more secure and a better boyfriend. Be it for you eventually or for somebody else, whomever that's gonna be. So he's taken a good, hard look at his past relationships and really, really, really wants brutal honesty from you about what made him a good boyfriend and what things he could improve on.

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Host/Interviewer]

Why don't we start with the things that he can improve on, and if we have time, we'll get to the good stuff.

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Rich]

All right.

[Rachel]

I guess one of the problems that we have was that he was. I think. I mean, he's only 24, so I guess guys don't mature that fast.

[Rich]

But now, you know, before you get into this, I would like to start this out by saying a lot of girls are really, really hesitant to critique someone, especially someone they still have a relationship with. So. So I want to thank you. I don't know how you set her up, Hoss, but she seems more than excited to share with us what would make you a better person. So whatever you said to her, that's really great. So anyways, go ahead, Rachel. What's wrong with him? By the way, thank you for. Thank you for your openness. It's really refreshing after some people actually care about the Ones that are about to rip.

[Host/Interviewer]

This is constructive criticism. This isn't ripping.

[Rachel]

Okay. Like I was saying, I think he had, he had an immaturity problem. He's not as mature as I would want somebody to be.

[Host/Interviewer]

Give us some examples of that, that immaturity.

[Rachel]

Well, he, he drinks quite often. He goes out a lot. And, and that's not. I mean, I don't have a. I don't have a problem with that, but it's just a lot. I mean, like, a lot, a lot.

[Rich]

In a 30 day month, how many nights is is Haas drinking?

[Rachel]

I would say maybe five days out of the week. So I guess 20 days out of the month.

[Host/Interviewer]

20 out of 30 days. And you say when he has a drink, he drinks to excess. So it's not just going out and having a beer.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Rich]

Okay.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Host/Interviewer]

All right. So. And when he was, when he was drunk like that, did that, did that cause friction in the relationship?

[Rachel]

No, it wasn't, it wasn't really that. But when I came up, like, I would come, you know, every other weekend or so, and we wouldn't go out. Like, we wouldn't, we wouldn't do that. And he said that it was because he had already been doing that all week. So, you know, he wanted to spend time with me and not go out. And so it's kind of weird because I was like, okay, why would he want to go out every day but he doesn't want to go out with me? You know, it's kind of, so it's kind of strange. I don't know if you know what I'm saying. But it kind of was like, I don't want you to come out with me, like, and be with all my.

[Hoss]

Other friends, you know, and my thing was that, you know, being in the business that we're in, we're usually done by noon.

[Host/Interviewer]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Because this, this actually is not a forum for you to respond.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, it's not?

[Hoss]

Okay, so I'm just supposed to sit here?

[Host/Interviewer]

Yes, this is a forum for you to.

[Hoss]

I want to come back.

[Host/Interviewer]

These were her perceptions of maybe why the relationship wasn't as strong as it could be. So you just take it in and then over the next 24 hours, you can absorb it all.

[Hoss]

Okay, I'll marinate on it.

[Host/Interviewer]

Alright, so we have the drinking thing. All right. What else could have made him a better boyfriend?

[Rachel]

He could and he does. You know, and boys are different than girls. He could have done like, nice, nice things, like sweeter things sometimes. Like, okay, this is an extent. He knows this example. We've talked about this one. Like I was in college for two years and after he graduated and he never sent me anything. Nothing. The whole thing. I got care packages and stuff from his mom. Like, like a bunch of the times she would send me stuff, but him, himself and even I left my license or my something, ended up borrowing one night. He. He mailed it to me. He overnight mailed it to me and he didn't even put a nice little, hey, here's your license. It was just a license. My license inside of an envelope. And he mailed it to me, but didn't even write anything.

[Host/Interviewer]

I don't think you're so different from most 24 year old dudes. So don't, don't feel like you're getting beat up.

[Rachel]

No, that's. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. A lot of guys, I wouldn't think, but I would do a lot of nice things. I'd always send them like e cards and text message and send him cards and stuff. And then he would never send me anything. And so that would know when I'm far away and we don't really get to see each other. It would kind of upset me, you know.

[Host/Interviewer]

But this is good stuff. This is good stuff to hear. I mean, she's saying, look, you're partying a little bit too much when I weren't around, when I wasn't around and you didn't have time for me and then you weren't like, more considerate, you didn't do any. You didn't go above and beyond. Is that what you're saying?

[Rachel]

Yeah, yeah. And, and not. I mean, and that's. And that's. I know that he's a boy and a guy and y' all don't really think about that stuff as much, so I would try to, you know, not think about that. But I think her use of boy is interesting that she thinks of you as a boy. Well, I tried to change that. I tried to say guy. After I said boy, I was like, oh, she probably not so fat.

[Hoss]

Thanks, Rich.

[Host/Interviewer]

Okay, well.

[Rich]

You think deep down inside he's capable of love?

[Rachel]

Yeah, I mean, he's a good guy. I really like him and he's. He's really funny and he's my best friend, but I just think he might need a little bit more time just to think the same, you know, about me.

[Rich]

So did he take care of your needs physically?

[Rachel]

Oh, God, yes. He's very.

[Host/Interviewer]

Hoss is now in a fetal Position.

[Rich]

I'm sucking my thumb.

[Host/Interviewer]

It looks like somebody just kicked him in that area, actually.

[Rachel]

Well, instead of that area. Is Hoss a good kisser?

[Host/Interviewer]

Can you answer that?

[Rachel]

Oh, yes, yes. He's a very good kisser.

[Rich]

Is there anything there that needs improvement?

[Rachel]

No, no, He's. He's very. That wasn't a problem. That. For me, that wasn't ever a problem.

[Rich]

Giddy up.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I was just praying, right?

[Rachel]

Like, oh, God, let this be over.

[Rich]

Mommy, take me home. God.

[Host/Interviewer]

I know I haven't talked to you in a while, but you know what?

[Rachel]

Just this one time, I'm trying to.

[Hoss]

Click my heels right now.

[Rich]

Take me somewhere else.

[Host/Interviewer]

All right, Rachel, give us one more thing that Hoss could work on with his next girlfriend, or if the two of you guys decide that you're going to get back together for the ninth or tenth time, that he can make it better this next time.

[Rachel]

I guess the. I think maybe be more patient. He gets. Sometimes when he gets agitated, he gets. He. You know, he gets agitated kind of easily with me, I guess, because we've been together. We were together for so long, so he. I think that he just needs to be more patient and be nicer and considerate. That's. That's all He. But he is a good guy. He. He really. I don't want to end on this is what you need to do. No, he's a really nice guy.

[Host/Interviewer]

Well, don't you worry, because the only thing that he heard today was that he's a good kisser, and he's good.

[Rich]

Everything else is black. Everything else is perfect.

[Host/Interviewer]

I think that's really good stuff there. There's got to be something going on between the two you guys, because you keep getting back together.

[Rich]

Yeah.

[Host/Interviewer]

I mean, there's something there.

[Hoss]

Yeah, there is. I mean, and we've had conversations over the past couple weeks and stuff like that, but I'm just. I'm just really confused right now. I don't what I want to do with my life and everything, and I just moved down to a new city and stuff like that, so I've got. I've got some thinking to do, but, I mean, she's an awesome girl. I love her to death. And, yeah, like I said, I'm a great kisser.

[Rich]

So that's all he got out of it. You didn't say that. She did. Yeah.

[Hoss]

The bird show.

[Rich]

Oh, hey.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Welcome to gift wrapping.

[Nordstrom Rack Announcer]

Whoa.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So is Saldana.

[T-Mobile Representative]

Hey, can you wrap these, please?

[Rich]

Wow.

[Ryan Seacrest]

IPhone 17s.

[T-Mobile Representative]

You splurged at T Mobile. You can get four iPhone 17s on them. The new center stage front camera is amazing for group selfies. It's the perfect gift for everyone.

[Hoss]

I'm the worst. I only got my mom a robe.

[T-Mobile Representative]

Well, it's better than socks.

[Hoss]

So I have to trade in my old phone, right?

[T-Mobile Representative]

No @t mobile. There's no trade ins needed when you switch. Keep your old phone or give it as a gift.

[Hoss]

Incredible.

[T-Mobile Representative]

In fact, wrap up my old phone too for my Aunt Rosa.

[Rich]

Forget that.

[T-Mobile Representative]

Aunt Liz will be jealous.

[Hoss]

Sounds like my family drama.

[Rachel]

Oh, I got it.

[T-Mobile Representative]

I'll give it to my abuela. I'll take reindeer paper with hey where are you going?

[Rich]

To T Mobile.

[Host/Interviewer]

The holidays are bettering T Mobile.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Get four iPhone 17s on us. No trade in needed when you switch plus four lines for just 25 bucks a line. And now T Mobile is available in US cellular stores with 24 monthly bill credits and four eligible port ins on.

[Hoss]

Essentials for well qualified customers bought okay.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Plus tax fees and $35 device connection charge credits ended balance due if you pay off earlier. Cancel contact US Finance Agreement 256 gigabytes $830 required.

[Nordstrom Rack Announcer]

Visit t mobile.com so good, so good, so good Score. Holiday gifts Everyone wants for way less at your Nordstrom Rack store. Save on Ugg, Nike Rag and Bo Frame, Kurt Geiger London and more.

[Rich]

Because there's always something new.

[Rachel]

I'm giving all the gifts this year with that extra 5% off when I use my Nordstrom credit card.

[Nordstrom Rack Announcer]

Santa who join the Nordy Club at Nordstrom Rack to unlock our best deals. It's easy. Big gifts, big perks. That's why you rack.

[Paige Desorbo]

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[Rich]

Com.