Vault: How Can She Kick Out Her Roommate In Four Days?

Summary

The Bert Show: "Vault: How Can She Kick Out Her Roommate In Four Days?"
Original Air Date: March 19, 2026
Host(s): The Bert Show cast, including Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and multiple callers
Main Guest: "Andrea" (pseudonym)

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show centers on “Operation Eviction”—a comical, yet relatable dilemma: How can Andrea, a listener, coax her "train wreck" roommate to move out in only four days so Andrea’s boyfriend can move in before his lease expires?
The cast, along with enthusiastic listeners, brainstorm an escalating series of creative, often outrageous “solutions” to Andrea’s predicament, blending practical advice with signature Bert Show humor.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Andrea’s Situation and The Dilemma

• Andrea’s been living with a tough roommate for six months (“it’s been like a train wreck”—[01:45], Andrea).
• Her boyfriend’s lease is up Saturday. She wants him to move in—but first, she needs the roommate out (“But I have to get rid of this girl first. And she’s the kind of person who, like, if I just asked her to, she would totally stay just to make me mad”—[01:54], Andrea).
• She seeks a plan to have her roommate want to leave willingly, making it seem like her own idea.

Outlandish "Eviction" Schemes

• Andrea floats ideas ranging from releasing a rat or spider, to faking a haunting (“I was thinking about getting a rat and putting it in her room and making her think we’re infested... even having you guys send your ghost hunters down”—[02:36], Andrea).
• Hosts react with both caution and amusement, worrying about lease violations and practicality (“If you do any of that, then you’re gonna have to deal with it”—[03:17], Bert).

Memorable Suggestions and Listener Call-Ins

1. Unleash “Guy Disgusting” Energy

   • Listeners suggest Andrea’s boyfriend invade the space and create messy, uncomfortable situations (“all the crap dishes are all over the sink... hanging out in his underwear for three days”—[04:54], Bert).
   • “Have him come over and just be extra, like, guy disgusting”—[04:51], Bert.
   • Andrea: “I think he would excel at being guy disgusting”—[04:51].

2. Make the Roommate Uncomfortable with PDA

   • “Her roommate will be so disgusted that she’ll just, like, have to leave. Or, you know, just, like, be making out in the middle of the kitchen...” —[04:15], Meg (caller).

3. Extreme Common Area Takeover

   • “Any common areas they have, they need to have sex all over the kitchen, all over the living room, the bathroom, whatever. He needs to eat all the food, burp, fart, leave his underwear all over the place”—[05:17], Nicole (caller).
   • “And you can’t underestimate man gas”—[05:41], show cast.

4. Feign a Romantic Interest

   • “Tell her that why you guys haven’t been able to get along is because you have feelings for her. And that will totally freak her out”—[06:06], Stacy (caller).
   • “I think I’m falling in love with you”—[06:23], show cast, jokingly.

5. Drop Hints She Should Move Out

   • “Get those apartment guide books and leave them around the apartment... say, ‘Oh, I’m going to move out’”—[06:51], Sarah (caller).

6. Fake a Landlord Eviction

   • “[Get] some ‘I can’t believe he’s not my landlord’ to come up and say you guys need to be out by Friday... unless your roommate understands big words. Throw out some big words”—[10:06], Andy (caller).
   • “We’re having a situation with a kerfuffle, so you’re gonna have to go ahead and relocate yourself somewhere else”—[10:44], Bert, riffing on the idea.

7. Pranks and Practical Jokes

   • Baby powder on the fan, Vaseline or Saran Wrap on the toilet, freezing her bra, short sheeting the bed—classic prank war ideas ([09:24]–[09:59]).
   • “All of a sudden, she becomes a practical joker”—[09:39], show cast.

8. Convincing Illness

   • “Get the boyfriend over to the apartment acting sick as a dog, medicines everywhere, and tell the roommate he's got highly contagious mono... mono can last up to three months”—[11:00], Sarah (caller).
   • The cast agrees: “That is solid”—[11:18].

The Ethics and Realities

• Several hosts and callers point out the impracticality (and possible cruelty) of evicting someone with such little notice (“I don’t think that’s really fair to your roommate either, to give her three days to find a new place to live”—[05:10], show cast).
• Andrea seems dead set on finding a solution before her boyfriend’s lease is up: “We want her out of the picture completely. She’s horrible”—[09:08], Andrea.

Alternative Suggestions

• “Why don’t you just move in with him?”—[09:14], show cast.
• Andrea likes her apartment too much to leave.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "It's been like a train wreck since we moved in together."—Andrea ([01:45])
• "I was thinking about getting a rat and putting it in her room and making her think we're infested."—Andrea ([02:36])
• “Any kind of little hairs, burp, fart, sex and hair so far. Hey, I'm making a list.”—Bert ([06:01])
• “And you can’t underestimate man gas”—Show Cast ([05:41])
• “Why don't you just move in with him?”—Show Cast ([09:14])
• “We're having a situation with a kerfuffle, so you're gonna have to go ahead and relocate yourself somewhere else.”—Bert, joking ([10:44])
• “Get the boyfriend over... tell the roommate he’s got highly contagious mono.”—Sarah (caller) ([11:00])
• “We’ll check in with you well after the weekend, and we'll find out if Operation Eviction… has worked.”—Bert ([11:44])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:05] – Introduction of Andrea and her dilemma.
• [01:45] – Andrea explains the “train wreck” roommate situation.
• [02:36] – Andrea pitches outrageous eviction schemes.
• [03:54] – Discussion turns to borrowing pets and “guy disgusting” boyfriend plans.
• [04:11] – Listeners start calling in with suggestions.
• [05:17] – Nicole shares her “over-sexed roommates” story and advice.
• [06:06] – Stacy suggests faking romantic interest.
• [06:51] – Sarah proposes leaving apartment guides as a hint.
• [07:31] – Brian proposes a horror-movie style fake.
• [09:08] – Deeper questioning of Andrea’s motives and why her boyfriend won’t just move in.
• [09:24] – Onslaught of “prank warfare” suggestions.
• [10:06] – Andy suggests faking a landlord eviction.
• [11:00] – Sarah suggests the “mono” sick boyfriend plan.
• [11:44] – Show wraps up and plans to check in with Andrea after the weekend.

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Episode Tone and Energy

The tone is irreverent, fast-paced, and playful, typical of The Bert Show’s conversational style. The cast and listeners riff on each other's wild ideas, occasionally pausing to reflect on the ethics, but always bringing the laughs.

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Takeaways

• The episode is a parade of humorous (if not always serious) strategies for getting rid of an uncooperative roommate on short notice.
• The Bert Show’s audience enthusiasm is palpable, with phones lighting up for participation and the energy remaining high throughout.
• Listeners and cast alike keep the conversation light, never losing sight of the absurdity at play—offering both cathartic commiseration and raucous entertainment.

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For listeners facing their own “Operation Eviction,” this episode is less a guide and more a comedic escape, packed with imaginative problem-solving and classic Bert Show camaraderie.

Transcript

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[C]

Get it. The Bird Show. Hey, is it Andrea? Andrea and Andrea.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Andrea or Andrea?

[D]

Andrea.

[C]

Andrea. Hello, Andrea.

[E]

I am no Andrea. I am Andrea.

[C]

It's a fake name, so it doesn't matter. Anyways, how are you?

[E]

Okay.

[D]

I'm great. How are you?

[C]

Good. Can you speak up nice and loud for us?

[D]

Sure. Can you hear me?

[C]

Okay, we can. Tracy, is. Is this voice disguised? I don't think it needs to be voice disguised, does it?

[D]

No, it's not.

[C]

Okay.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

Hi. So Tracy is very excited because you have given her an idea for the show and it has good. It sounds good. It's called Operation Eviction.

[D]

Yeah, that's about right.

[C]

Okay, please tell us all about it.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay. I have been living with this roommate for the past six months and it's been like a train wreck since we moved in together. It's just been horrible. We don't get along. She's at the apartment way too much. And my boyfriend's lease is up on Saturday and he's not sure if he wants to renew it. And so I obviously would love for him to move in with me. We're like at that level. But I have to get rid of this girl first. And she's the kind of person who, like, if I just asked her to, she would totally stay because just to make me mad. So I have to figure out a way by Saturday to get her to want to leave my apartment.

[C]

So you're looking for a way to have her leave. That is 100% her doing.

[D]

Yes. Ideally, it would be like, I was almost doing her a favor. Like, listen, I know you really want to find somewhere else. I totally understand. I'll work something out with my boyfriend. But I don't know what to do. I was thinking about getting a rat and putting it in her room and making her think we're infested or, like, I don't know, getting spider. And I was even thinking about having you guys, like, send your ghost hunters down and make her think the apartment's haunted.

[E]

That's a good idea, actually. She might like that, though.

[C]

Ghost fraud.

[E]

That might work against you.

[C]

So I don't even know where to

[E]

begin on this, like, ant infestation, but

[C]

if you do any of that, then you're gonna have to deal with it. Like.

[D]

And also, I don't want to get in trouble. I don't want to, you know, I don't want the landlord to know, you know, if I put a rat there. I don't. Can I get in trouble? I mean, is there, like, a clause and a lease? I don't know.

[C]

Well, do you have a pets issue? Because you can just say it's your pet rat.

[D]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[E]

Do you have pets?

[D]

No.

[E]

Does she like animals?

[D]

I don't think so.

[E]

Then get one. That's true. No, I don't know. Like, I'm trying to think of what would make me say it's such the last minute. I am out of here. Could you borrow someone's big, slobbery dog for, like, a week?

[D]

I probably could, yeah.

[E]

And say you were adopting them. It might take longer than a week for her to get sick of that, though. Why don't you just start borrowing her stuff without telling her?

[C]

But, I mean, three days is. Yeah, three days is what's gonna make it tough. Hey, Meg. Welcome to the show.

[D]

Hey. I was just calling to let her know that she should probably just make her let her boyfriend move in anyway, and her roommate will be so disgusted that she'll just, like, have to leave. Or, you know, just, like, be making out in the middle of the kitchen and she'll just want to leave.

[E]

Just her show up one day and then y' all are necking down on the couch and then said, oh, by the way, he just moved in his stuff. You know, don't, you know, let us know if anything gets in your way or something?

[D]

Yeah, because if it happened to her, I'm sure she'd do the same thing and want to get out.

[E]

That's true. That's a good idea.

[C]

Would your boyfriend, Andrea, would your boyfriend have any problem being extra, like, guy disgusting?

[D]

No, I think he would excel at being guy disgusting.

[C]

I mean, like, if you have him come over today for lunch and all the crap dishes are all over the sink, if he's half eaten, sandwich sitting somewhere, if he's hanging out in his underwear, like the three days. I don't think, quite honestly, I don't think you're gonna do it in three days.

[E]

I don't think that's really fair to your roommate either, to give her three days to find a new place to live. Yeah, it's too short. Yeah.

[C]

Hey, Nicole.

[D]

Hey. This happened to me, but I was the victim of over sexed roommates who were just all in my space constantly. And I ended up moving out because I couldn't get rid of them. But any common areas they have, they need to have sex all over the kitchen, all over the living room, the bathroom, whatever. He needs to eat all the food, burp, fart, leave his underwear all over the place. Be as obnoxious and irresponsible and disrespectful as possible.

[E]

And you can't underestimate man gas. So if he can conjure up a

[D]

few, or wanting to go to the bathroom and they're having sex on the toilet, that really bites them.

[E]

Ew.

[D]

Yeah, gross.

[E]

That makes me want to move out of this. I think he also should go shave on her sink and leave like the little man hairs everywhere. Cause that's nasty.

[C]

Any kind of little hairs burb, fart, sex and hair so far. Hey, I'm making a list.

[D]

Hey, Stacy, I totally have an idea. Is your roommate straight? Yeah, she is. Yes. I come on to her, Tell her that why you guys haven't been able to get along is because you have feelings for her. And that will totally figure out.

[E]

I think I'm falling in love with you.

[D]

What? I have feelings for you.

[C]

You know, the problem is Andrea. How old are you guys?

[D]

27.

[C]

Okay, so she's probably past that collegiate bicuriosate stage.

[E]

27. Yeah, you're back in your corners, right?

[D]

So should I hit on her? Should I sleep with my boyfriend? Maybe I'll ask her to sleep with me and my boyfriend.

[E]

Oh, yeah, that's another. Another angle.

[C]

Hey, Sarah.

[D]

Hey.

[C]

What's going on?

[D]

I was thinking that she could get those apartment guide books and leave them around the apartment in different places. And then when the roommate ask a question about why they were there, then she can say, oh, I'm going To move out. So then the roommate will leave and she have the apartment to herself.

[C]

I have to tell you, I am a little excited and proud of our listeners who have overwhelmingly. I haven't even given out the phone number yet and the phone lines are lit up. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Get that biatch out of there. Here's what you gotta do. One, two, three. Hair sex farts. Do it all. And now here's a guy with an opinion. Hey, Brian, this is easy, okay?

[F]

All she has to do is put plastic over the whole living room, light seven candles and put them in a circle, be sitting inside the circle with a bloody animal, red rum on all the walls.

[E]

What?

[C]

Perfect.

[E]

That's a little dramatic. Yeah, let me go find a dead animal. That's disgusting. That is funny about just being in the floor with the circle of candles. Being in the middle of them doing something like, what are you doing?

[C]

Hey, Brian.

[F]

Brian always gets word of roommates.

[C]

Cool. Hey, Brian, hold on a second. Sean wants to take you to din. I. I think this is fun. Hey, Andy.

[F]

Hey, how you doing?

[C]

Good idea.

[F]

Good. Hey, I'm 47. How about her sex crazed uncle moves in for a while? Yeah.

[C]

Come here, baby.

[F]

Just a little bit of warmth is all I want.

[E]

Oh, my God.

[D]

You kind of want to play the uncle Donnie.

[E]

I think he was signing up to be the uncle.

[C]

Hey, why, why did it get all weird right after I complimented our listeners? Like, wow, this is great. Everybody's stepping up and then dude's like, yeah, let me add her.

[D]

Let me bring a dead animal.

[C]

I'll bring a dead animal over. Say, Andrea, I don't. I think you've got some good input, valuable input. What I don't think is you're going to make it happen by this weekend.

[D]

Well, I'm certainly going to try, I think.

[C]

Why is there a deadline of Saturday?

[D]

It's when my boyfriend's lease is up and I want him to know that he can move in before he renews it.

[C]

Well, will he move in if she's in there? Or is that like a condition of, like, he doesn't want to be around her?

[D]

Well, maybe he'll just do that. But the problem is we want her out of the picture completely. She's horrible.

[E]

Why don't you just move in with him?

[D]

That's a really great apartment.

[C]

Hey, Stacy.

[D]

Yes?

[C]

What's your comment?

[D]

I wanted to tell her that she should put baby powder on her friend's fan. So when she turns the fan on, like, poof. And then put Vaseline on The toilet seat. So when she goes to sit down, she falls.

[E]

Aw. Like, all of a sudden, she becomes a practical joker.

[C]

And then short sheet her bed. And then when she does fix that and fall asleep, dip her hand in warm water.

[E]

And not just Vaseline on the toilet, but the Saran Wrap, and she pees at herself. Freeze her bra.

[C]

Hey, Andy. This actually could be the best idea yet.

[F]

Hi. Hi, Andrea.

[C]

Go ahead.

[F]

Has your roommate met your actual landlord?

[D]

No.

[F]

Okay, here's what you do. You get some, like, I can't believe he's not my landlord to come up and say that you guys need to be out by Friday for, you know, make up some. Throw out some big words or something. Unless your roommate understands big words. Say that you guys have to be out, and then you actually don't move out, but have your roommate move out and then have your boyfriend move in. And then by Saturday, good to go.

[E]

Done. Got the plan ready. This is awesome. His arm motions were, like, pointing and letting you know. And why do I feel like this is the plot of some Paul Rudd, Sean William Scott movie?

[C]

And I love the fact that it's. You have to throw out big words like, you know, hey, you know, we're having a situation with a kerfuffle, so you're gonna have to go ahead and relocate yourself somewhere else. All right? This will be the last one. Seriously. Hey, Sarah.

[D]

Hello.

[C]

What's up? Hey.

[D]

Okay, if she wants her out in the next 24 hours, get the boyfriend over to the apartment, acting sick as a dog, medicines everywhere, and tell the roommate he's got highly contagious mono and that she's going to be taking care of him because everyone knows mono can last up to three months.

[E]

That's good.

[C]

That's a good one.

[E]

That is solid.

[D]

And she'll be out of there. I mean, who wants mono if they're, you know, in school? Whatever, you don't want it. It makes you sick for months. I actually want enlarges all that good stuff.

[C]

When I was a kid, my friend Jason got mono and he was out of school for 30 days. And I wanted mono for that reason because I thought it was fun. I imagined him in his house having a great time.

[E]

I had mono in high school. The problem is, when you're out that long, they send tutors over to the house to teach you. Lame.

[C]

Hey, Andrea, we're gonna check in with you well after the weekend, and we'll find out if you're managed if Operation Eviction, or as Tracy renamed it, how to Lose a Roommate in four days has worked. Okay.

[D]

Okay. Thank you so much.

[C]

All right. Good luck to you. Get it. The Birch Show.

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