The Bert Show – Vault: How Did You Get Busted With Birth Control?

Original Air Date: January 20, 2026
Hosts: The Bert Show Cast (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, et al.)

Episode Overview

This episode delves into the often awkward and unexpected ways parents discover their children are using birth control or other forms of contraception. With anecdotal stories from hosts and callers alike, the cast invites listeners to laugh, cringe, and commiserate over tales of secrets revealed, parental denial, and the "coming of age" conversations no one really plans for.

Main Theme & Purpose

• Theme: The accidental, bizarre, and awkward ways parents find out their children are on birth control or using contraception.
• Purpose: To share real, humorous, and sometimes emotional stories from both the Bert Show cast and their listeners, highlighting the universal discomfort around conversations about sex and contraception within families.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Accidental Confessions and Emotional Outbursts

• Jen’s Story: One of the hosts, Jen, shares how her mother found out she was sexually active and ended up getting her birth control after an emotional meltdown over a boyfriend.
  • “I just started crying, talking about this fight I was in with him and basically just blubbering, crying, you know, snot filled, like through my snot and tears, I blurted it out that I was having sex. And so immediately the next day, my mom had me a doctor's appointment with her gynecologist.” (01:13–02:13)
  • She notes her father was never part of this conversation, highlighting the discomfort for dads and daughters.

2. Siblings and Partners as Accidental Informants

• Jessica’s Story: A listener shares that after a breakup, her ex-boyfriend told her brothers where they hid condoms, leading them to inform their parents.
  • “My boyfriend at the time was good friends with my brothers, and when we broke up, he was really mad, and so he told my brothers where we hid our condoms, and they told my parents.” (02:47–03:05)
  • Parents initially didn’t believe it, showing how denial often plays a part.

3. Physical Evidence and Failed Cover-ups

• Leslie’s Story: Leslie’s birth control patch was spotted by her mom in the bathroom, leading to a failed attempt at covering it up.

  • “My mom actually found out I was in the bathroom in my underwear, and I was using the patch, and it was on my behind, clearly... She looked at it and said, ‘What the hell is that?’ And I said, well, it's a Band-Aid. I lied totally.” (04:03–04:24)

• Another Listener’s Story: Mother searching a purse for cigarettes finds birth control pills instead.

  • “Her mother grabbed the girl's purse, turned it over, dumped everything out... No cigarettes fell out, but her birth control pills fell out. That's how she found out.” (04:54–05:12)
  • “They went for two or three weeks without even talking. Her mom took the pills, walked out of the room.” (05:17–05:23)

4. Medical Situations Lead to Unintended Disclosures

• Christy’s Story: At a doctor’s appointment, staff ask about birth control use in front of her mom, leading to awkward questions.
  • “They were doing blood tests and asked me in front of my mom, are you taking the pill?” (05:49–06:10)

5. Journals, Calendars, and Telltale Signs

• Karen’s Story: Writing an “S” on her calendar each day after having sex led her mom to discover the truth.

  • “I used to write an S on my calendar every time I had sex with my boyfriend. So one day I came home and my calendar was on my bed. And my mom was like, you know, are you having sex? And I tried to deny it, but, I mean, the S was pretty obvious.” (06:14–06:33)

• Hosts noted others tracked their activity through stars or hearts on calendars, showing this wasn’t an uncommon practice.

  • “When I was in junior high school, I was sitting behind a girl in English class and she would put stars on the calendar... and she said, when my boyfriend and I had sex, I put a star on the day.” (06:48–07:09)

6. Getting Caught in the Act

• Bert’s Story: Shares a high school memory of getting caught at a girlfriend’s house, leading her mother to insist on birth control.
  • “We were in her house and her parents were gone... We ended up taking a shower together. Her mom came into the house at that time and followed the trail of clothes into the bathroom while we were literally... in the shower together... She’s making me go on the pill.” (07:10–07:51)
  • Bert humorously notes the mom never told the dad, protecting both teens from further embarrassment.

7. The Denial and Secrecy of Parents

• The cast reflects on parental denial and the tendency for mothers to keep secrets from fathers regarding their daughters’ sexual activity.
  • “Parents never want to believe that their little girl is having sex. There's no way. Not the way I raised her. That's a statement about me? No.” (04:43–04:51)
  • “There’s so many secrets that moms keep from dads. Absolutely.” (08:04–08:08)

8. Leftover Evidence in Family Cars

• Susan’s Story: A condom wrapper in her mother’s car is discovered by her father, leading to an unavoidable revelation.
  • “So my dad’s cleaning out my mom’s car, and he’s like, hey, what’s this? And I was like, well, you know. And you kind of can’t get around that one, so.” (08:13–08:38)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jen (Host): “I never planned on ever telling my mom. I didn’t ever ask to go on the pill. But in just my blubbering emotional state, I just kind of blurted it out…” (01:40)
• Bert (Host): “Are parents that clueless that they think their 17 and 18 year olds aren’t having sex? Oh, hell yeah, dude.” (05:36)
• Leslie (Caller): “She looked at it and said, ‘What the hell is that?’... Do I look stupid?” (04:13–04:23)
• Jessica (Caller): “I was like the black sheep for getting rid of him.” (03:33)
• Karen (Caller): “The S was pretty obvious. You're so sly with an S.” (06:23)
• Host Reflection: “Parents, you gotta suck it up and be like Jen’s mom and take control and be mature about it.” (05:31)

Noteworthy Timestamps for Segments

• [01:13] Jen recounts her accidental confession to her mother.
• [02:47] Jessica details how an ex-boyfriend spilled her secret to her brothers.
• [04:03] Leslie’s mom discovers her birth control patch.
• [04:54] Story: Mother finds pills while searching for cigarettes.
• [05:49] Christy’s blood test at the doctor leads to uncomfortable questions.
• [06:14] Karen gets caught by her coded calendar entries.
• [07:10] Bert shares a story of being caught in the act at a girlfriend’s house.
• [08:13] Susan’s dad finds a condom wrapper in the car.

Conclusion & Takeaways

The episode is a candid, honest, and funny look at the awkward intersection of teenage autonomy and parental oversight. Listeners and hosts alike relate stories that range from mortifying to heartwarming, underscoring the fact that “the talk” rarely goes as planned—if it happens at all. The main message: communication (however it comes about) is important, and, in the end, most parents are just trying to cope with the realities of their children growing up.

For more relatable content and daily laughs, check out The Bert Show’s full catalog.