Vault: How Did You Get Busted With Birth Control?

Summary

The Bert Show – Vault: How Did You Get Busted With Birth Control?

Original Air Date: January 20, 2026
Hosts: The Bert Show Cast (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, et al.)

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Episode Overview

This episode delves into the often awkward and unexpected ways parents discover their children are using birth control or other forms of contraception. With anecdotal stories from hosts and callers alike, the cast invites listeners to laugh, cringe, and commiserate over tales of secrets revealed, parental denial, and the "coming of age" conversations no one really plans for.

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Main Theme & Purpose

• Theme: The accidental, bizarre, and awkward ways parents find out their children are on birth control or using contraception.
• Purpose: To share real, humorous, and sometimes emotional stories from both the Bert Show cast and their listeners, highlighting the universal discomfort around conversations about sex and contraception within families.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Accidental Confessions and Emotional Outbursts

• Jen’s Story: One of the hosts, Jen, shares how her mother found out she was sexually active and ended up getting her birth control after an emotional meltdown over a boyfriend.
  • “I just started crying, talking about this fight I was in with him and basically just blubbering, crying, you know, snot filled, like through my snot and tears, I blurted it out that I was having sex. And so immediately the next day, my mom had me a doctor's appointment with her gynecologist.” (01:13–02:13)
  • She notes her father was never part of this conversation, highlighting the discomfort for dads and daughters.

2. Siblings and Partners as Accidental Informants

• Jessica’s Story: A listener shares that after a breakup, her ex-boyfriend told her brothers where they hid condoms, leading them to inform their parents.
  • “My boyfriend at the time was good friends with my brothers, and when we broke up, he was really mad, and so he told my brothers where we hid our condoms, and they told my parents.” (02:47–03:05)
  • Parents initially didn’t believe it, showing how denial often plays a part.

3. Physical Evidence and Failed Cover-ups

• Leslie’s Story: Leslie’s birth control patch was spotted by her mom in the bathroom, leading to a failed attempt at covering it up.

  • “My mom actually found out I was in the bathroom in my underwear, and I was using the patch, and it was on my behind, clearly... She looked at it and said, ‘What the hell is that?’ And I said, well, it's a Band-Aid. I lied totally.” (04:03–04:24)

• Another Listener’s Story: Mother searching a purse for cigarettes finds birth control pills instead.

  • “Her mother grabbed the girl's purse, turned it over, dumped everything out... No cigarettes fell out, but her birth control pills fell out. That's how she found out.” (04:54–05:12)
  • “They went for two or three weeks without even talking. Her mom took the pills, walked out of the room.” (05:17–05:23)

4. Medical Situations Lead to Unintended Disclosures

• Christy’s Story: At a doctor’s appointment, staff ask about birth control use in front of her mom, leading to awkward questions.
  • “They were doing blood tests and asked me in front of my mom, are you taking the pill?” (05:49–06:10)

5. Journals, Calendars, and Telltale Signs

• Karen’s Story: Writing an “S” on her calendar each day after having sex led her mom to discover the truth.

  • “I used to write an S on my calendar every time I had sex with my boyfriend. So one day I came home and my calendar was on my bed. And my mom was like, you know, are you having sex? And I tried to deny it, but, I mean, the S was pretty obvious.” (06:14–06:33)

• Hosts noted others tracked their activity through stars or hearts on calendars, showing this wasn’t an uncommon practice.

  • “When I was in junior high school, I was sitting behind a girl in English class and she would put stars on the calendar... and she said, when my boyfriend and I had sex, I put a star on the day.” (06:48–07:09)

6. Getting Caught in the Act

• Bert’s Story: Shares a high school memory of getting caught at a girlfriend’s house, leading her mother to insist on birth control.
  • “We were in her house and her parents were gone... We ended up taking a shower together. Her mom came into the house at that time and followed the trail of clothes into the bathroom while we were literally... in the shower together... She’s making me go on the pill.” (07:10–07:51)
  • Bert humorously notes the mom never told the dad, protecting both teens from further embarrassment.

7. The Denial and Secrecy of Parents

• The cast reflects on parental denial and the tendency for mothers to keep secrets from fathers regarding their daughters’ sexual activity.
  • “Parents never want to believe that their little girl is having sex. There's no way. Not the way I raised her. That's a statement about me? No.” (04:43–04:51)
  • “There’s so many secrets that moms keep from dads. Absolutely.” (08:04–08:08)

8. Leftover Evidence in Family Cars

• Susan’s Story: A condom wrapper in her mother’s car is discovered by her father, leading to an unavoidable revelation.
  • “So my dad’s cleaning out my mom’s car, and he’s like, hey, what’s this? And I was like, well, you know. And you kind of can’t get around that one, so.” (08:13–08:38)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jen (Host): “I never planned on ever telling my mom. I didn’t ever ask to go on the pill. But in just my blubbering emotional state, I just kind of blurted it out…” (01:40)
• Bert (Host): “Are parents that clueless that they think their 17 and 18 year olds aren’t having sex? Oh, hell yeah, dude.” (05:36)
• Leslie (Caller): “She looked at it and said, ‘What the hell is that?’... Do I look stupid?” (04:13–04:23)
• Jessica (Caller): “I was like the black sheep for getting rid of him.” (03:33)
• Karen (Caller): “The S was pretty obvious. You're so sly with an S.” (06:23)
• Host Reflection: “Parents, you gotta suck it up and be like Jen’s mom and take control and be mature about it.” (05:31)

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Noteworthy Timestamps for Segments

• [01:13] Jen recounts her accidental confession to her mother.
• [02:47] Jessica details how an ex-boyfriend spilled her secret to her brothers.
• [04:03] Leslie’s mom discovers her birth control patch.
• [04:54] Story: Mother finds pills while searching for cigarettes.
• [05:49] Christy’s blood test at the doctor leads to uncomfortable questions.
• [06:14] Karen gets caught by her coded calendar entries.
• [07:10] Bert shares a story of being caught in the act at a girlfriend’s house.
• [08:13] Susan’s dad finds a condom wrapper in the car.

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Conclusion & Takeaways

The episode is a candid, honest, and funny look at the awkward intersection of teenage autonomy and parental oversight. Listeners and hosts alike relate stories that range from mortifying to heartwarming, underscoring the fact that “the talk” rarely goes as planned—if it happens at all. The main message: communication (however it comes about) is important, and, in the end, most parents are just trying to cope with the realities of their children growing up.

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For more relatable content and daily laughs, check out The Bert Show’s full catalog.

Transcript

[A]

The bird show. Cause I read a survey Yesterday that said 22% of women. Let me rephrase that. 22% of parents found out that their daughter was on the pill through another sibling. In other words, you're all sitting around the table, right, at dinner sometime, and you at the age of whatever, 18, 17 or whatever, are having some kind of conversation. Maybe you tick off your little brother or something at the dinner table and he just rats you out about being on the pill. Now, maybe he's 14, he knows what it's all about, but somehow, some way, he found out about it. So my question to you guys is, and I don't think we'll need to use the voice disguiser for this, but I want to know how your parents found out you guys were on the pill. The accidental ways. Like, you guys didn't have the talk, you didn't go to Planned Parenthood together, right. But you went on the pill. And I want to hear about the bizarre ways that your parents found out that you were on the pill. Melissa, you want to go first?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

404-741-1005 there.

[C]

For a while, I'm sure my parents wished that I would go on the pill, you know, but ye. I've never been on the pill. So.

[A]

Now, Jen, I am just guessing here, I am guessing that there was a talk with your parents. There was an education.

[B]

Not with my dad, no. Lord, no. Yeah. Daddies and daughters, that's a difficult conversation. But no, I remember I was already. I was already active and just doing like using condoms and that sort of thing. And was in this, really, this conversation with my mom about something completely different, was talking to her about fighting with my boyfriend. And she probably, now looking back on this conversation, she probably knew I was active with him because I was so emotional about this fight that we had had. And I was telling her about it and she was probably prodding the right questions to get it out of me, but I never knew it at that point. And I just started crying, talking about this fight I was in with him and basically just blubbering, crying, you know, snot filled, like through my snot and tears, I blurted it out that I was having sex. And so immediately the next day, my mom had me a doctor's appointment with her gynecologist. And I was on the pill right the next day because my mom was just so concerned that I had been having premarital sex without ever going to the female doctor. Cause once you cross over, you're an adult woman, whether you're starting really young or not. Like your body is acting as an adult, so you have to have all those adult things. So I didn't plan on ever telling my mom. I didn't ever ask to go on the pill. But in just my blubbering emotional state, I just kind of blurted it out, and my mom took action right away. But I don't think my dad. I don't think I've ever discussed the pill with my dad.

[A]

Want to know the ways that your parents found out that you guys were on the pill, Obviously, rather than you just telling them, good morning, Jessica. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[D]

Yeah, it wasn't the pill. I didn't take the pill until I was a lot older. But my boyfriend at the time was good friends with my brothers, and when we broke up, he was really mad, and so he told my brothers where we hid our condoms, and they told my parents.

[B]

So how did they tell you? Did you just walk in one day and your parents are holding condoms in their hand?

[D]

Well, it was actually really weird because my parents didn't mention anything about it until a while later because they didn't believe my brothers. Like, they were just so under the impression that, you know, she would never do anything like that. And they didn't check up on it. But my mom later on was like, I should have listened to your brother. If they tried to warn me, it was horrible.

[C]

How did your brothers treat him?

[D]

They were like best friends. He was like a member of the family. My parents still loved him. My brother still loved him. I was like the black sheep for getting rid of him.

[C]

That's weird, because, yeah, I know my brother and sister were closer in age, and I know that anytime that a guy treated my sister wrong, that my brother was right there to step in. So I was surprised that her brothers ratted her out instead of protecting her.

[A]

You know, maybe the. The better question is, how did they find out you were using any kind of contraception at all? Because there's so many to choose from. Hey, Leslie.

[D]

Hey.

[A]

Hi.

[D]

Yeah, my. My mom actually found out I was in the bathroom in my underwear, and I was using the patch, and it was on my behind, clearly.

[B]

Oh.

[D]

She looked at it and said, what the hell is that? And I said, well, it's a bandit. I lied totally. It was abandoned. She said, do I look stupid? And she yelled at me for, like, an hour straight.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

You're like, I cut my butt shaving.

[D]

I didn't know what to say, but I just really did not Want to tell her what it was?

[A]

And how old were you at the time?

[D]

I was 19.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And what'd she say? You think I'm stupid?

[D]

Yeah, she asked me that. I think she was stupid.

[C]

And I was like, well, teenagers do think their parents are. Oh, yeah, they're not.

[A]

And, well, this goes both ways. Also, because your parents never want to believe that their little girl is having sex. There's no way. Not the way I raised her. That's a statement about me? No.

[C]

Oh, it's called nature.

[A]

Filter in.

[E]

This happened to a friend of mine in high school. Her and her mother got in a really heated argument. Her mother was convinced that she was smoking. And one night they were arguing about it. The mother grabbed the girl's purse, turned it over, dumped everything out on the kitchen table. No cigarettes fell out, but her birth control pills fell out. That's how she found out.

[B]

I wonder what would have been worse for that mom, sex or smoking?

[E]

She said that they went for like two or three weeks without even talking. Her mom took the pills, walked out of the room. They haven't. They went for two or three weeks.

[B]

Took her pills away.

[A]

Yeah. Talk to her about it. Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

I know it gotta be awkward. But parents, you gotta suck it up and be like Jen's mom and take control and be mature about it.

[A]

Are parents that clueless that they think their 17 and 18 year olds aren't having sex? Oh, hell yeah, dude. I don't think that changes throughout the years. Man, you never want to believe your little girls having sex.

[E]

I don't know if it's clueless or maybe just denial. They don't want to believe it.

[A]

Hey, Christy, you're on the birth show.

[D]

Hi. When I was 15, I started taking birth control. But it's not because I was having sex. It was for other problems. And I went to the doctor on an unrelated thing, and they were doing blood tests and asked me in front of my mom, are you taking the pill? And then they're like, take the blood test about.

[B]

I'm sorry, your phone's breaking up.

[A]

Good morning, Karen. You're on the Burt Show. Hello.

[D]

Hi. I did something really silly. I used to write an S on my calendar every time I had sex with my boyfriend. So one day I came home and my calendar was on my bed. And my mom was like, you know, are you having sex? And I tried to deny it, but, I mean, the S was pretty obvious. You're so sly with an S. But.

[A]

What'S the most S's you had? What's the most S's you had on one day.

[D]

Well, I didn't do it by a number of times. Just so.

[A]

Just the day S marked the spot.

[C]

Now, were you on birth control at the time, or did she put you on birth control after that?

[D]

No, after that. She didn't go to the doctor.

[C]

I mean, she's not the only one that's done that. I've told the story before. When I was in junior high school, and I will repeat that, junior high school, I was sitting behind a girl in English class and she would put stars on the calendar, and when she opened up her planner, she had a star on the day that we were in class. And I said, what is that for? And she said, when my boyfriend. I had sex before we came into school this morning, and she had stars on the days that her and her boyfriend had sex.

[B]

Now, this turn used to do hearts.

[A]

Oh, yeah. This turns out real well for the guy, especially in that case and in the case I'm about to tell you about, because me and Debbie Pierce in high school, you know, we were in her house and her parents were gone, and, you know, we were having a great time. And then we ended up taking a shower together. And her mom came into the house at that time and followed the trail of clothes into the bathroom while we were literally, literally in. In the shower together. And I, like any brave 18 year old, run as fast as I can out of the house and I don't call for like 24 hours. And I finally get Debbie back on.

[C]

I'm like, are you okay?

[A]

Is everything all right? And she's like, yeah, she's making me go on the pill. And all I could think of is.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

It was a win.

[A]

Win. Yeah.

[E]

Like any brave 18 year old, you run back over to the house as fast as you can.

[A]

And her mom was so cool about it, especially from my angle, because she never told her dad. Never said a word about it.

[C]

Yeah, because he would have killed me.

[A]

You would have killed me.

[C]

Absolutely. There's so many secrets that moms keep from dads. Absolutely.

[A]

Maybe that's where we go with this next. Hey. Hey, Susan. Good morning. You're on the Burt Show.

[D]

Hey. Well, all right. So my dad is the big scary kind. Okay. And so I was borrowing my mom's car. And, you know, stuff happens in cars. And so we left the cotton wrapper in there. And it wasn't even. It was just the wrapper, which was. And so, you know, my dad's cleaning out my mom's car, and he's like, hey, what's this? I was like, well, you know. And you kind of can't get around that one, so. Yeah, that's how they find out.

[B]

At least your dad didn't accuse your mom.

[A]

The bird show.