The Bert Show — "Vault: How Did You Get Rid Of Your Ex?"

Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Date: January 20, 2026

Main Theme

This episode features crowd-sourced stories on the creative, awkward, and even extreme (sometimes hilarious) lengths people have gone to in order to get rid of a persistent ex or unwanted romantic pursuer. The Bert Show cast (including Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and more) invites listeners to call in and share their most memorable strategies for making someone finally take the hint — or, when hints don’t work, leave them alone.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Office Crush: Drastic Measures

• Tammy’s Story: A listener, Tammy, describes the lengths she went to in order to get an overly persistent coworker to back off. She staged a fake relationship by posing for a photo with a good-looking neighbor and bringing it to the office as “proof” of her boyfriend.
  • Quote: “She goes next door to her neighbor’s house...gets a picture with him and then brings it into the office and says, ‘Look, this is my boyfriend. I love him!’” — (B, 00:09)

2. Listener Call-ins: Outlandish Ex-Repellent Tactics

• Pretending to Be Gay (00:43)

  • Kat shares that her best friend kissed her in front of an annoying suitor to make him leave her alone.
    • “I had my best girlfriend...kiss me in the mouth to get this guy to leave me alone.” — (C, 00:43)

• Feigning Sexual Inadequacy (01:00)

  • Lewis admits he told a woman he was “bad in bed” to put her off.
    • “I actually had to tell [a] young lady...I was bad in bed.” — (F, 01:00)
    • “That's a Category 5 excuse right there.” — (B, 01:38)
    • He had to repeat the claim, as it didn’t work the first time.

• Lying About Cheating (01:50)

  • Megan confessed she lied about cheating to make an obsessive ex go away.
    • “I finally told him that I had slept with somebody else...I had never cheated.” — (H, 01:52)
    • “He would pop in my house unannounced...and just kept calling and kept calling.” — (H, 02:11)
    • The hosts debate whether this tactic is justified, with Bert relating to trying to “hit the hot button” for a breakup.

• Parents to the Rescue: Creepy Ex Story (02:45):

  • A friend relays a story of an ex-boyfriend letting himself into the family home using a spare key, standing over her as she slept. Her mother calmly escorted him out and set boundaries.

• Extreme Lies: Faking an Entire Identity (03:34)

  • Cassie sat her stubborn would-be boyfriend down after four dates and told him, “I used to be a man.”
    • “I said...‘I used to be a man.’” — (D, 04:01)
    • “So that worked, I take it?” / “Yeah, I think, like, the next thing, all I saw was smoke after that.” — (E & D, 04:04–4:08)

• Sabotaging by Alleged Infidelity (04:41)

  • Josh lied about sleeping with his girlfriend’s sister to end things — and later actually married the sister.
    • “So you went through that whole ruse of a marriage just to get rid of her, right?” — (E, 05:02)
    • “That's pretty hardcore, dude.” — (B, 05:06)

• The Ultimate Excuse: Faking Your Own Death (06:01)

  • Tracy decided to have her family tell an ex she’d died so he’d stop calling her grandmother’s house.
    • “Just tell him I died and maybe that'll stop him...” — (C, 06:05)
    • “I'm just hoping that that works.” — (C, 06:45)

3. Parental Strategies: Outlandish Deflections (07:18)

• Host's Family Antics
  • One of the cast members shares a family story: to stop a talkative, competing acquaintance, their dad once claimed his son was in jail after a bar fight — and it worked, ending the unwanted contact.
    • “He got in a bar fight and stabbed a guy, so he had to go to jail for 24 months.” — (G, 07:37)
    • “He stopped calling.” — (G, 07:57)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "That's a Category 5 excuse right there." — Bert (01:38), on claiming to be bad in bed.
• "I used to be a man." — Cassie/D (04:01), taking honesty—or dishonesty—to an extreme for self-preservation.
• "Just tell him I died..." — Tracy/C (06:05), the final, most irrevocable excuse.
• "He got in a bar fight and stabbed a guy, so he had to go to jail for 24 months." — Host's family (G, 07:37), the nuclear option for competitive acquaintances.

Key Timestamps

• 00:00–00:43: Show intro and Tammy’s story about the relentless coworker
• 00:43–01:49: Kat and Lewis share their unique excuses
• 01:50–02:44: Megan’s relationship-ending lie; discussion of obsessive exes
• 02:45–03:33: Story of extreme ex behavior necessitating parental involvement
• 03:34–04:13: Cassie’s “I used to be a man” story
• 04:41–05:14: Josh fakes infidelity (and then marries ex’s sister)
• 06:01–06:48: Tracy fakes her own death to ditch a stalker ex
• 07:18–07:57: Family tales of deterring persistent contacts by wild fabrications

Tone & Style

The episode is lighthearted, quick-witted, and genuine—a classic Bert Show mix of outrageous laughter, empathy, and “did-they-really-say-that?” moments. The host and cast often interject with humor, incredulity, and support for listeners’ creative, sometimes desperate, attempts to reclaim their privacy and peace.

For Those Who Haven’t Listened

This episode is a fast-paced highlights reel of real-life “how I finally got them to leave me alone” stories, ranging from white lies to near-fables, with plenty of laughs, memorable one-liners, and relatable exasperation. If you’ve ever struggled to end an unwanted relationship, you’ll find solidarity, amusement, and maybe even a few (ill-advised) new ideas.