Vault: How Did You Get Rid Of Your Ex?

Summary

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The Bert Show — "Vault: How Did You Get Rid Of Your Ex?"

Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Date: January 20, 2026

Main Theme

This episode features crowd-sourced stories on the creative, awkward, and even extreme (sometimes hilarious) lengths people have gone to in order to get rid of a persistent ex or unwanted romantic pursuer. The Bert Show cast (including Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and more) invites listeners to call in and share their most memorable strategies for making someone finally take the hint — or, when hints don’t work, leave them alone.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Office Crush: Drastic Measures

• Tammy’s Story: A listener, Tammy, describes the lengths she went to in order to get an overly persistent coworker to back off. She staged a fake relationship by posing for a photo with a good-looking neighbor and bringing it to the office as “proof” of her boyfriend.
  • Quote: “She goes next door to her neighbor’s house...gets a picture with him and then brings it into the office and says, ‘Look, this is my boyfriend. I love him!’” — (B, 00:09)

2. Listener Call-ins: Outlandish Ex-Repellent Tactics

• Pretending to Be Gay (00:43)

  • Kat shares that her best friend kissed her in front of an annoying suitor to make him leave her alone.
    • “I had my best girlfriend...kiss me in the mouth to get this guy to leave me alone.” — (C, 00:43)

• Feigning Sexual Inadequacy (01:00)

  • Lewis admits he told a woman he was “bad in bed” to put her off.
    • “I actually had to tell [a] young lady...I was bad in bed.” — (F, 01:00)
    • “That's a Category 5 excuse right there.” — (B, 01:38)
    • He had to repeat the claim, as it didn’t work the first time.

• Lying About Cheating (01:50)

  • Megan confessed she lied about cheating to make an obsessive ex go away.
    • “I finally told him that I had slept with somebody else...I had never cheated.” — (H, 01:52)
    • “He would pop in my house unannounced...and just kept calling and kept calling.” — (H, 02:11)
    • The hosts debate whether this tactic is justified, with Bert relating to trying to “hit the hot button” for a breakup.

• Parents to the Rescue: Creepy Ex Story (02:45):

  • A friend relays a story of an ex-boyfriend letting himself into the family home using a spare key, standing over her as she slept. Her mother calmly escorted him out and set boundaries.

• Extreme Lies: Faking an Entire Identity (03:34)

  • Cassie sat her stubborn would-be boyfriend down after four dates and told him, “I used to be a man.”
    • “I said...‘I used to be a man.’” — (D, 04:01)
    • “So that worked, I take it?” / “Yeah, I think, like, the next thing, all I saw was smoke after that.” — (E & D, 04:04–4:08)

• Sabotaging by Alleged Infidelity (04:41)

  • Josh lied about sleeping with his girlfriend’s sister to end things — and later actually married the sister.
    • “So you went through that whole ruse of a marriage just to get rid of her, right?” — (E, 05:02)
    • “That's pretty hardcore, dude.” — (B, 05:06)

• The Ultimate Excuse: Faking Your Own Death (06:01)

  • Tracy decided to have her family tell an ex she’d died so he’d stop calling her grandmother’s house.
    • “Just tell him I died and maybe that'll stop him...” — (C, 06:05)
    • “I'm just hoping that that works.” — (C, 06:45)

3. Parental Strategies: Outlandish Deflections (07:18)

• Host's Family Antics
  • One of the cast members shares a family story: to stop a talkative, competing acquaintance, their dad once claimed his son was in jail after a bar fight — and it worked, ending the unwanted contact.
    • “He got in a bar fight and stabbed a guy, so he had to go to jail for 24 months.” — (G, 07:37)
    • “He stopped calling.” — (G, 07:57)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "That's a Category 5 excuse right there." — Bert (01:38), on claiming to be bad in bed.
• "I used to be a man." — Cassie/D (04:01), taking honesty—or dishonesty—to an extreme for self-preservation.
• "Just tell him I died..." — Tracy/C (06:05), the final, most irrevocable excuse.
• "He got in a bar fight and stabbed a guy, so he had to go to jail for 24 months." — Host's family (G, 07:37), the nuclear option for competitive acquaintances.

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Key Timestamps

• 00:00–00:43: Show intro and Tammy’s story about the relentless coworker
• 00:43–01:49: Kat and Lewis share their unique excuses
• 01:50–02:44: Megan’s relationship-ending lie; discussion of obsessive exes
• 02:45–03:33: Story of extreme ex behavior necessitating parental involvement
• 03:34–04:13: Cassie’s “I used to be a man” story
• 04:41–05:14: Josh fakes infidelity (and then marries ex’s sister)
• 06:01–06:48: Tracy fakes her own death to ditch a stalker ex
• 07:18–07:57: Family tales of deterring persistent contacts by wild fabrications

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Tone & Style

The episode is lighthearted, quick-witted, and genuine—a classic Bert Show mix of outrageous laughter, empathy, and “did-they-really-say-that?” moments. The host and cast often interject with humor, incredulity, and support for listeners’ creative, sometimes desperate, attempts to reclaim their privacy and peace.

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For Those Who Haven’t Listened

This episode is a fast-paced highlights reel of real-life “how I finally got them to leave me alone” stories, ranging from white lies to near-fables, with plenty of laughs, memorable one-liners, and relatable exasperation. If you’ve ever struggled to end an unwanted relationship, you’ll find solidarity, amusement, and maybe even a few (ill-advised) new ideas.

Transcript

[A]

You're on the Birch Show.

[B]

So we just had Birch show listener Tammy on with us, and she's saying that there's this guy in the office that just will not take no for an answer. Just. I mean. And she's gone through great lengths to let him know, look, this is not gonna happen. And he's not picking up on it. So she goes next door to her neighbor's house. I guess it's good looking dude, gets a picture with him and then brings it into the office and says, look, this is my boyfriend. I love him. Oh, he's awesome. So she's obviously telling a lie, but she had to go through that kind of great length to get this guy to leave her alone. So we're asking you guys the same thing. Like, what have you had to do to get a woman or get a guy just to leave you alone? Like, look, I'm not into you. Wasn't doing it for you. Good morning, Kat. You're on all the hits q100. Hi.

[C]

Hi. I'm totally straight, but I had my best girlfriend in the whole world kiss.

[D]

Me in the mouth to get this guy to leave me alone.

[E]

I'm surprised I got him to leave you alone.

[B]

Yeah. Really?

[C]

Well, he got excited, but he kind of got the point.

[B]

All right, thank you. Good morning, Lewis. You are on the Burt Show.

[F]

I actually had to tell young lady I was. I was bad in bed.

[E]

And that worked?

[F]

Not originally, but until I actually. I said, okay, well, look, we're gonna go right now. Or, you know, never at all. So she was like, well, you know, you might be true. So she decided to leave me alone after that.

[B]

See, now, this must have been so bad because this is a last resort for any guy to say that, A, either I have a small unit or B, I'm not good in bed. Is. That's the very last thing you say?

[G]

That rumor gets out and you're like, no, I was just telling her I didn't like her. You know?

[E]

Right.

[B]

That is a Category 5 excuse right there.

[F]

Actually, that didn't work the first time, so I had to repeat it.

[B]

Damn. All right, thank you. Good morning, Megan. You're on the Burt Show. Hi.

[C]

Hey.

[H]

I had to. I dated this guy my senior year of high school, and he was really, you know, clingy, and, you know, things just weren't working out. And I finally had to tell him that I had slept with somebody else.

[I]

Oh, so you lied about cheating?

[H]

Yeah, and I had. I'd never cheated.

[D]

I don't cheat.

[H]

And I got him to quit calling me. He would like, pop him in my house unannounced, and he would call me all the time and just kept calling and kept calling. I finally told him I was like, look, this isn't gonna work. And I slept with somebody else. And I'm sorry. I'm with this person now and I, you know, I can't be with you.

[B]

I understand it. Like there I have been in relationships where it seems like the girl will not get out of the relationship unless she's so mad, where she's built up a case against me that she's so mad that she'll finally let it go. So I can understand you going and saying, look, if his hot button is me cheating, I'm gonna say it just to get him out of my life. That makes sense to me.

[I]

One of my girlfriends had a boyfriend from high school who was still really obsessed with her. She had gone off to college and had come back home on like a Christmas break or something. And he had, I guess, been drinking or whatever and knew where their spare key was because he was her high school boyfriend at the parents house. So came back and actually let himself in the house and was standing at the foot of her bed watching her sleep when her mother walked in. Yes. When her mom heard something going on in the house. You know how mom's ears are like alert ears. Mom ears. And her mom, you know, like, didn't freak out or whatever, just like let him out and drove him home and all this other stuff. But yeah, it was like her parents had to intervene and say, stay away from our daughter. Like, that's how far it went for her.

[B]

Morning, Cassie. Hi.

[D]

I was dating this guy, just went out about four or five times. And I really wanted to get rid of him. And he thought it was it. I was the one. He wasn't taking any clues. And so finally one day I sat him down, I said, well, you know, since the relationship is going so well, which it was only going so well in his mind, I said, you know, before we take it to the next level, I have to tell you that I used to be a man.

[I]

No, you do not.

[D]

Yes, I did.

[E]

Oh, man. So that worked, I take it?

[D]

Yeah, I think, like, the next thing all I saw was smoke after that.

[E]

You know what's weird is just the fine line between, like, Burt's fate and destiny. And, you know, I'm gonna. She, you know, she doesn't know it yet, but she's the one. And then if they got together. That's sweet. And he was Determined. But you know, it's a very fine line between that and him being just creepy.

[B]

What if he was. Totally throws her for a loop and says, you know what? We can work around that.

[I]

We can work through that.

[B]

Yeah. There's nothing. I love you so much. There's nothing that can separate us. Good morning, Josh.

[F]

I slept with my girlfriend at the time.

[G]

Sister.

[B]

You really did it or you just told her you did that?

[F]

No, I didn't.

[B]

Just to get out of the relationship.

[F]

Just to get out of it.

[B]

What, like I don't want to see you anymore? Wasn't working, pretty much.

[F]

And then me and her sister ended up getting married.

[B]

Oh, no way.

[G]

Yeah.

[B]

Get out of here. Seriously?

[G]

Seriously.

[E]

So you went through that whole ruse of a marriage just to get rid of her, right?

[F]

Yeah, pretty much.

[B]

That's pretty hardcore, dude. Yeah. Thanks.

[E]

See ya.

[B]

Yeah, that game of poker is over. I married her sister to get rid of her.

[I]

Yeah.

[B]

That's 8. 29 right now. Look, hockey season is back. It's been a long time since we could say that, right? We missed the entire season. Well, the Thrashers are back. I think it's Wednesday night. Correct. Opening night.

[E]

Saturday night's the 1st.

[B]

Saturday, October 8th, 1st game against the Washington Capitals. We've got four tickets for you guys right now. You want to go see the Thrashers take on the Capitals on Saturday night? 404-741-10005. Give us a call right now.

[I]

All the hits.

[A]

All the hits. Q100. Pretend you read the paper this morning. It's Melissa Carter with the five things you need to know today on the Burt show on all the hits. Q100.

[B]

Before you do that, can I take one last call? Sure. I was going to wrap it up, but this came on my screen and I absolutely had to take this.

[E]

Well, I want to be good. I want to cleanse the I married her sister thing. So that's good.

[B]

I don't know that this is going to be cleansing.

[I]

Oh, no.

[B]

Good morning, Tracy. What did you have to say to get him to stay away from you?

[I]

Hi.

[C]

And I'm actually hoping that this works because I just recently did this. The guy I dated when I was, and I'm 35 now, he still calls my grandparents house like you know, once every few months looking for me. And I'm like, God, you know, I told him I was married, told him I had kids, you know, whatever, whatever. So finally I just told my uncle. I'm like, dude, just tell him I died and maybe that'll stop him. From calling.

[E]

And they told him.

[C]

Yeah, well, I don't know. I don't know if he's called back.

[D]

I just.

[C]

Like, the next time he calls, just tell him that I died. And hopefully, you know, that'll stop it, because he won't stop. You know, my grandparents are never going to change their number.

[D]

Right.

[C]

I'm just hoping that that works.

[B]

So your uncle is armed with this story, or your grandparents or whatever is armed with this story that. I'm so sorry. Tracy got like, whatever.

[E]

Whatever they want to come up with. Good God, that's funny. Well, I mean, would you say 16 or 18 to 35? I mean, yeah, that's the last. She's no longer on this earth.

[B]

How about that one dude we talked to a couple of weeks ago when we asked, like, how long has his crush lasted? And it was like 40 years for a woman. Do you remember that call me? Yeah. It's like, I've been thinking about her since 1964.

[G]

I forgot about this. But years ago, my parents did something similar with this couple that they knew, like, when they were growing up. And then they had kids, they kind of drifted apart or whatever, but they would call whenever their kids had some sort of mediocre or better accomplishment. So he'd be like, oh, Amy got accepted into such and such a school.

[F]

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[G]

And, like, just rattle off all this stuff about their kids. And then they would say, oh, so Jeff's still trying to make it in radio, huh? So finally they called, did the whole big accolades about their kid, and then said, well, now what's Jeffrey doing? Because they'd like to compare. And my dad's response was, he got in a bar fight and stabbed a guy, so he had to go to jail for 24 months.

[B]

No, stop. That'll stop it.

[G]

He stopped calling.

[E]

That's great.

[A]

You're on the Burt Show.