Vault: How Did You Hurt Yourself Acting Like A Kid?

Summary

The Bert Show – "Vault: How Did You Hurt Yourself Acting Like A Kid?"

Original Air Date: December 19, 2025
Host: Bert (with regular cast and listeners calling in)

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Episode Overview

This episode revolves around the humorous and cringe-worthy theme of adults injuring themselves while attempting activities they used to do with ease as kids. Sparked by the host's own failed attempt at a cartwheel, the show invites callers to share their tales of bruised bodies and egos, all stemming from trying to relive their childhood skills. The episode is full of laughs, lighthearted shame, and a strong dose of nostalgia.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Host’s Story: A Cartwheel Gone Awry

• Prompt/Event: The host, missing the Olympics, ends up watching a women’s gymnastics special and reminisces about childhood gymnastics.
• Decision: Inspired to show off, the host impulsively attempts a cartwheel in the living room at age 34, moving furniture and even the family dog out of harm’s way.
• Outcome: Successfully completes the cartwheel, but immediately experiences a cascade of aches: inner thighs, then shoulders, upper arms, and forearms. The realization of age hits hard.
• Reflection: "It was a slow motion effect of me realizing how old I was." (02:05)

2. Caller Stories: Accidents & Ego Checks

Phil's "Danger Slide" Incident (04:11)

• Setup: Buys a massive slide dubbed the “Danger Slide” for a barbecue at Phil’s Farm.
• Challenge: After a few standard slides, attempts a flip onto the slide after a few drinks.
• Result: Loses grip, falls off the slide, lands on his head, and faces the embarrassing walk of shame in front of friends.
• Memorable Quote: "After you go down the slide two or three times the correct way, it just gets boring." (05:18)

Sydney’s Splits for the Kids (06:48)

• Setup: Sydney’s daughter and friends are doing gymnastics in the yard; Sydney brags about her ability to do a split despite having five children.
• Action: Attempts a dramatic split without warming up.
• Consequence: Can’t move, barely manages to shuffle inside, asks her husband for help; spends two days incapacitated.
• Memorable Quote: "I drop and I do the Jean Claude Van Damme split... I'm sitting there going, I can't move." (07:10)
• Silver Lining: Retains her “cool mom” reputation with the kids, despite needing days to recover.

Austin’s Slip & Slide Disaster (08:17)

• Situation: Demonstrates proper slip-and-slide form to 3- and 4-year-olds.
• Accident: Breaks four ribs after failing to check for hazards under the slide, leading to a punctured lung and three days in the hospital.
• Memorable Quote: "They just thought it was funny. Like, do it again." (09:13)

Steve’s Nightclub Knee Catastrophe (09:27)

• Throwback Move: Tries a dance trend—jumping one leg through the other—while "slightly tipsy" at a club.
• Result: Busts his knee and is unconscious for two months; his ego is still bruised.
• Memorable Quote: "I busted my knee, and I was unconscious for about two months. That hurts. Especially if you're doing it at a nightclub." (09:37)

Mae’s Hula Hoop Humbling (10:09)

• Setup: Eager to relive her childhood hula hoop championship glory in front of friends’ kids.
• Reality: The hula hoop immediately drops to the floor multiple times, much to Mae's embarrassment.
• Advice from Host: "You should say this. Something's wrong with this hula hoop. Always blame equipment." (11:07)

Heather’s Stepdad’s Split Mistake (11:21)

• Background: Heather’s a former cheerleader stretching at home; her stepdad tries to show off by copying her splits.
• Result: He immediately pulls a hamstring and needs to visit the doctor.
• Host’s Take: "And he's trying to be cool. Stepdad check." (11:44)

Holly’s Drunken Backbend (11:56)

• Activity: At a party where everyone tries childhood feats, Holly, after drinking, attempts a backbend with a friend spotting her.
• Outcome: Nails the descent, but overpowers the ascent and falls flat on her face.
• Commentary: "My whole body... it was not fun." (12:19)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Host (02:05): "It was almost like slow motion, and it was a slow motion effect of me realizing how old I was."
• Phil (05:18): "After you go down the slide two or three times the correct way, it just gets boring."
• Sydney (07:10): "I drop and I do the Jean Claude Van Damme split... I'm sitting there going, I can't move."
• Austin (09:13): "They just thought it was funny. Like, do it again."
• Steve (09:37): "I busted my knee, and I was unconscious for about two months."
• Mae (11:07): "I was so embarrassed. I was like, what's wrong with me?"
• Host (12:23): "Now, the difference with everybody else's story in mine is everybody else was drinking. I was totally sober last night, so I don't know what that says about me..."

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Host’s Cartwheel Story – 01:04–04:11
• Phil and the “Danger Slide” – 04:11–06:42
• Sydney’s Splits Disaster – 06:48–08:08
• Austin’s Slip & Slide Injury – 08:15–09:24
• Steve’s Dance Move Gone Wrong – 09:27–10:07
• Mae’s Hula Hoop Fail – 10:09–11:20
• Heather’s Stepdad Hamstring Pull – 11:21–11:44
• Holly’s Party Backbend – 11:56–12:23
• Host Wraps Up with Reflection – 12:23–12:46

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Tone & Takeaways

The episode is filled with self-deprecating humor and camaraderie. Listeners and hosts alike bond over the realization that their bodies have changed since childhood. The stories move quickly, the laughter is genuine, and there’s a definite tone of, “We might be older, but we’re still kids at heart—even if it hurts.”

Final Reflection:
The host closes with the sentiment that sometimes the ego suffers even more than the body, and maybe it’s time to start yoga—before the next nostalgic impulse strikes.

Transcript

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Host]

Okay, only 10 more presents to wrap.

[Commercial Announcer]

You're almost at the finish line, but first. There, the last one. Enjoy a Coca Cola for a pause that refreshes.

[Caller Phil]

The Bird show.

[Host]

So last night I'm flipping channels because I felt, I don't know, I needed a fix for the Olympics because I love the olympics. And for 16 nights, I guess it was every night, I knew when I turned on the TV that I was going to watch the Olympics. I didn't care what sport it was. So I. So last night was the first night that I didn't have any Olympics to watch. And so I didn't know what to watch. And I had a friend over. We were flipping channels and then on E, they had a show. I'm just laughing because I'm about to call myself out. There was a show about gymnastics, women's gymnastics, and it was an hour special about, you know, back from Nadia Cominici all the way up to, you know, Carly Patterson. Okay, so last night we were watching this show, we were laughing about how we were stuck on watching these female gymnasts. And I had, you know, made the comment that, you know, when I was in elementary school, all of, all of me and all my friends, we took gymnastics lessons for a little while. I didn't stay for very long, but we did gymnastics when I was a kid. And so my friend made the comment, you know what? I was always afraid to do cartwheels. Like, we were talking about how, you know, cartwheels and round offs and splits and that kind of thing. And she said, I was always afraid to do cartwheels.

[Caller Sydney]

And.

[Host]

And then, I don't know, for some reason, I decided that last night was the night I was gonna do a cartwheel. Oh, no. Oh, no. And you were not drunk? I was not drunk. We were not drinking. And I, I don't know, I said, oh, you were afraid of a car? Did them all the time. I guess I do right now. So I moved, you know, my end table. I Made sure I had enough room. Toby, my golden retriever, I moved him over to the side so I wouldn't, you know, So I was. I was more concerned if I had room. Like, I didn't doubt I could do it. I just was making sure that I had enough room to do it. So my 34 year old ass is doing a cartwheel in the middle of my living room. And the first thing to go, instead of knocking, knocking things around in the, in the living room, I first of all nearly pulled my inner thigh muscles, which, you know, obviously have not been worked in a while. And so they started, you know, so at first the inner thigh muscles did not stretch. So, I mean, it didn't look pretty number one. But I did complete it somehow. But then it was almost like slow motion, and it was a slow motion effect of me realizing how old I was. Okay? Because first it was the thigh muscles, and then my shoulders started feeling a little odd, and then my upper arm started feeling a little odd. Because in my friend, when I was saying this to my friend, I'm like, oh, my God, now my upper arms are getting sore. Oh, my God, my forearms, like, it moved down my arms. And she said, well, honey, you just put your entire body weight onto your arms that you probably haven't done since you were 10 years old. And you weigh a little more than you did when 10 years old. So last night my ego was so bruised because I hurt myself trying to do something I used to do as a kid all the time. Okay? We did cartwheels, round offs. You know, I sure had friends that could do back handsprings and all that stuff. And so my question, the reason I gave the phone number out. 404-741-1005. Have you ever, as an adult, hurt yourself, injured yourself besides your ego trying to do something you used to do as a kid?

[Caller Phil]

I got one.

[Host]

All right, Phil, come on, bring it strong, boy.

[Caller Phil]

Over the summer, I told you about this. I had bought the danger slide, which is a. Which was a slide we bought at Walmart for. I think we'd had a couple of drinks when we bought this. But this slide was 12ft high, and you literally had to climb up the back of it. And we put the hose on it. And this wasn't like beach ball flimsy. This was like, you know how moonwalks at fair, that kind of, that kind of material? It is just like, this is a legitimate slide. So you climb up the back of it and you slide down. There's a little pool of it at the bottom of it, you slide into. Well, we were playing on the danger slide, and I go climbing up it, up the top, and I'm sitting on the back, and, you know, we're having a barbecue out at Phil's Farm or whatever. And.

[Host]

Okay, first of all, the name of it should have been an omen. Now, is that the name of it, or is that the name you gave it?

[Caller Phil]

That was the name we gave it.

[Host]

Okay, you can tell this is a total guy story because we're about to hear about Phil at Phil's Farm going down the danger sl.

[Caller Phil]

The original name, I think, was the Bonsai slide or Bonsai Falls, but we thought the danger slide was much more intense.

[Host]

Okay.

[Caller Phil]

So I climbed to the top of it. And, you know, after you go down the slide two or three times the correct way, it just gets boring, of course. So I thought, you know what? I'll try and see if I can do a flip over onto the slide and land in the pool. In the process of leaning back to do my flip, I lost my grip on the handles, fell over backwards, fell on back down the stairs that you're the ladder that you have to climb up and fall on my head on the danger slide on the ground.

[Host]

And the worst thing about doing these things is the getting up and then the walking away in front of everybody. Like last night, me, you know, barely being able to walk away from my cartwheel because, again, my muscles were a little sore at the time. You, you know, after landing on your head at Phil's Farm, having to stand up and walking away from the danger slide, I mean, it's just that walk of shame because you realize you. Last night, I realized how old I was. See, the one that I did it like this was trying to recreate my cheerleading days. And it was drinking with lots of my friends. So I didn't have the shame till the morning after because with the, you know, introduction of alcohol into my system, I didn't quite feel the pain of the toe touch that I did until the next morning. But it was horrifying. That inner thigh thing you're feeling and you're talking about. Oh, my. And what I said last night, I've got to do yoga. I've got to start doing yoga because my muscles are. Yeah.

[Caller Phil]

And they gotta play cool. And you got. No, I'm fine. No, no, no. Cool. It didn't hurt.

[Caller Sydney]

It didn't hurt at all. What are you talking about?

[Caller Phil]

Hey, Sydney.

[Caller Sydney]

Yeah. Hey.

[Caller Phil]

What happened?

[Caller Sydney]

Hey, good morning, guys.

[Host]

Good morning.

[Caller Sydney]

My. My daughter and all of her girlfriends were standing out in the yard, of course, doing round offs and toe touches. And my daughter cannot do a split. She's all legs and she's. You know. So I was like, oh, that's nothing. What, are you kidding me? It's like, I've had five children. I can do a split.

[Host]

Come on.

[Caller Sydney]

So I go out there and I go, yeah, watch this. And you know, no stretching, no preparation. You know, I'm just standing there and I drop and I do the Jean Claude Van Damme split in the movie where he's. And they're all standing around going, wow. And I'm sitting there going, I can't move.

[Host]

Take me to the hospital. 91 1.

[Caller Sydney]

And then I get up. I get up and I go, see? You know? And I'm like, that's right. I can still do it. And I walk in the house real slow, and I look at my husband and my eyes cross and he goes, what is it? What happened? I go, pick me up. I can't move.

[Host]

At least you walked away. At least you still have your reputation with your daughter and her friends. Oh, yeah.

[Caller Sydney]

They think I am like the cat. Your mom is so cool.

[Host]

But I can see the tears in your eyes as you're walking back because you were in so much pain.

[Caller Sydney]

I didn't move for two days. I had asked for cream, ice pain. That's awesome.

[Caller Phil]

Thanks for calling.

[Caller Sydney]

I'm like Mary Lou Retton. Thank you. Have a good one.

[Caller Phil]

You too.

[Host]

Who inspired me last night on that E. Tru Hollywood story about the women gymnastics. Do a freaking cartwheel. Oh, my God.

[Caller Phil]

Hey, Austin.

[Caller Sydney]

Hey.

[Host]

Hey.

[Caller Phil]

What's going on?

[Caller Sydney]

Not a lot. I punctured along and ended up in the hospital for three days on a slip and slide, trying to show about 5 or 6 little 3 and 4 year olds how to do it.

[Host]

You are kidding me. What in the world? How did you puncture your lung?

[Caller Sydney]

Well, I broke four ribs. Oh, my God. What happened? My rib ended up puncturing my lungs, so I had to be on this, like, breathing thing to pump my lung back up.

[Host]

Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, God.

[Caller Phil]

No.

[Host]

Now, what did I mean, was it the running and did you put water? Like, what happened?

[Caller Sydney]

Yeah, it was in the backyard, and I didn't think, you know, to make sure there wasn't anything, you know, sticking up underneath it.

[Host]

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

[Caller Sydney]

And so it was just like a ripple effect. It broke one and then the other, and then I couldn't breathe. And I'm the only one there.

[Host]

You're well Besides the kids, right? Yeah.

[Caller Sydney]

Well, they don't know it. They just thought it was funny. Like, do it again.

[Host]

Oh, my God. But you're okay now, man. That just shows if you're over, like, 11, don't get on a slip slide.

[Caller Phil]

Hey, Steve.

[Caller Sydney]

Yes. Hey, how are you, man? Hey.

[Caller Phil]

Go ahead, buddy.

[Caller Sydney]

Do you remember the dance move about 14, 15 years ago where you hold one leg and you jump through it with your other one?

[Host]

Oh, yeah.

[Caller Sydney]

Well, two years ago, slightly tipsy, thinking I could do it. I ended up trying it, and I busted my knee, and I was unconscious for about two months. That hurts. Especially if you're doing it at nightclub.

[Host]

Oh, my God. Well, I mean, it's like I said last night, my ego was bruised more than my muscles. I mean, just because it's hard to accept the fact that you can't do these things anymore that you did with ease when you were young, you know?

[Caller Sydney]

Oh, absolutely. For about two months. But my ego, still bruised.

[Host]

Exactly.

[Caller Phil]

Hey, May. Yes, Mae, Go ahead.

[Host]

May.

[Caller Phil]

May.

[Caller Sydney]

Yeah.

[Caller Phil]

Hey, you're up.

[Host]

Did you hurt yourself doing something?

[Caller Sydney]

Well, my ego was hurt more than anything. I was with a group of girlfriends, and one of them had a daughter, and she had a hula hoop. And me being the hula hoop champion at the family reunion when I was.

[Caller Phil]

Little.

[Caller Sydney]

I just knew that I was going to show this little girl how to do it right.

[Host]

Because you don't lose your skills. Even though it's 10, 20 years later, you're still gonna be the hula hoop champ.

[Caller Sydney]

Exactly. Exactly. So I got the hula hoop and I started going, but the hula hoop kept falling straight down. So I was so embarrassed. Okay, let me try it again. And I kept trying, and it just would not stay on my hips, on my waist. I was so embarrassed. I was like, what's wrong with me?

[Host]

You should say this. Something's wrong with this hula hoop. Always blame equipment.

[Caller Phil]

Yeah.

[Host]

This is not a professional hula hoop. This is an amateur. They would never allow this in the professional.

[Caller Phil]

Hey, Heather.

[Caller Sydney]

Hi.

[Caller Phil]

Hey, Heather. Go ahead.

[Caller Sydney]

Well, I was a cheerleader in high school, and I was practicing and stretching and stuff. And my mom's like, how do you do that? Well, my stepdad, he decides that that looks really easy to do because I was doing the splits.

[Host]

Oh, no.

[Caller Sydney]

Yes. He decides he's gonna plop down in the living room and do the splits. He ends up pulling a hamstring. We have to take him to the.

[Commercial Announcer]

Doctor.

[Host]

And he's trying to be cool. Stepdad check.

[Caller Phil]

Yeah.

[Host]

Oh, my God. Yeah, that. Yeah. I mean.

[Caller Phil]

Hey, Holly. Yeah, hey, Holly. You'll be the last call on this.

[Caller Sydney]

Okay. I was at a party one time. We decided we were all gonna do things we could do when we were kids. And I was like, okay, well, I can do it back then, so. And we're. We're drinking. I mean, I'll admit that. And my friend Christy, I'm like, hey, dude, like, spot me. So I get down just fine. But as I'm coming up, I have so much momentum, I fall flat on my face.

[Host]

Breathe.

[Caller Sydney]

My whole body.

[Host]

Oh, God.

[Caller Sydney]

Okay.

[Host]

Yes.

[Caller Sydney]

It was not fun.

[Host]

Now, the difference with everybody else's story in mine is everybody else was drinking. I was totally sober last night, so I don't know what that says about me, but like I said, I'm gonna have to follow Madonna's footsteps and get into a yoga class pretty quickly, because I will. Yeah, it hurts my. I hurt my own feelings last night. I was so hurt when I went to bed last night, like, you know what? I can't do a cartwheel anymore.

[Caller Phil]

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[Commercial Announcer]

What are you reaching for? If you're a smoker or vaper, you could be reaching for so much more with Zyn nicotine pouches. When you reach for Zyn, you're reaching for 10 satisfying varieties and two strengths for a smoke free experience that lets you lean in for chances to break free from your routine and a unique nationwide community. Whatever you're reaching for, reach for it with America's number one nicotine pouch brand. Find yours in wherever nicotine products are sold near you. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.