The Bert Show – "Vault: How Did You Hurt Yourself Acting Like A Kid?"

Original Air Date: December 19, 2025
Host: Bert (with regular cast and listeners calling in)

Episode Overview

This episode revolves around the humorous and cringe-worthy theme of adults injuring themselves while attempting activities they used to do with ease as kids. Sparked by the host's own failed attempt at a cartwheel, the show invites callers to share their tales of bruised bodies and egos, all stemming from trying to relive their childhood skills. The episode is full of laughs, lighthearted shame, and a strong dose of nostalgia.

Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Host’s Story: A Cartwheel Gone Awry

• Prompt/Event: The host, missing the Olympics, ends up watching a women’s gymnastics special and reminisces about childhood gymnastics.
• Decision: Inspired to show off, the host impulsively attempts a cartwheel in the living room at age 34, moving furniture and even the family dog out of harm’s way.
• Outcome: Successfully completes the cartwheel, but immediately experiences a cascade of aches: inner thighs, then shoulders, upper arms, and forearms. The realization of age hits hard.
• Reflection: "It was a slow motion effect of me realizing how old I was." (02:05)

2. Caller Stories: Accidents & Ego Checks

Phil's "Danger Slide" Incident (04:11)

• Setup: Buys a massive slide dubbed the “Danger Slide” for a barbecue at Phil’s Farm.
• Challenge: After a few standard slides, attempts a flip onto the slide after a few drinks.
• Result: Loses grip, falls off the slide, lands on his head, and faces the embarrassing walk of shame in front of friends.
• Memorable Quote: "After you go down the slide two or three times the correct way, it just gets boring." (05:18)

Sydney’s Splits for the Kids (06:48)

• Setup: Sydney’s daughter and friends are doing gymnastics in the yard; Sydney brags about her ability to do a split despite having five children.
• Action: Attempts a dramatic split without warming up.
• Consequence: Can’t move, barely manages to shuffle inside, asks her husband for help; spends two days incapacitated.
• Memorable Quote: "I drop and I do the Jean Claude Van Damme split... I'm sitting there going, I can't move." (07:10)
• Silver Lining: Retains her “cool mom” reputation with the kids, despite needing days to recover.

Austin’s Slip & Slide Disaster (08:17)

• Situation: Demonstrates proper slip-and-slide form to 3- and 4-year-olds.
• Accident: Breaks four ribs after failing to check for hazards under the slide, leading to a punctured lung and three days in the hospital.
• Memorable Quote: "They just thought it was funny. Like, do it again." (09:13)

Steve’s Nightclub Knee Catastrophe (09:27)

• Throwback Move: Tries a dance trend—jumping one leg through the other—while "slightly tipsy" at a club.
• Result: Busts his knee and is unconscious for two months; his ego is still bruised.
• Memorable Quote: "I busted my knee, and I was unconscious for about two months. That hurts. Especially if you're doing it at a nightclub." (09:37)

Mae’s Hula Hoop Humbling (10:09)

• Setup: Eager to relive her childhood hula hoop championship glory in front of friends’ kids.
• Reality: The hula hoop immediately drops to the floor multiple times, much to Mae's embarrassment.
• Advice from Host: "You should say this. Something's wrong with this hula hoop. Always blame equipment." (11:07)

Heather’s Stepdad’s Split Mistake (11:21)

• Background: Heather’s a former cheerleader stretching at home; her stepdad tries to show off by copying her splits.
• Result: He immediately pulls a hamstring and needs to visit the doctor.
• Host’s Take: "And he's trying to be cool. Stepdad check." (11:44)

Holly’s Drunken Backbend (11:56)

• Activity: At a party where everyone tries childhood feats, Holly, after drinking, attempts a backbend with a friend spotting her.
• Outcome: Nails the descent, but overpowers the ascent and falls flat on her face.
• Commentary: "My whole body... it was not fun." (12:19)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Host (02:05): "It was almost like slow motion, and it was a slow motion effect of me realizing how old I was."
• Phil (05:18): "After you go down the slide two or three times the correct way, it just gets boring."
• Sydney (07:10): "I drop and I do the Jean Claude Van Damme split... I'm sitting there going, I can't move."
• Austin (09:13): "They just thought it was funny. Like, do it again."
• Steve (09:37): "I busted my knee, and I was unconscious for about two months."
• Mae (11:07): "I was so embarrassed. I was like, what's wrong with me?"
• Host (12:23): "Now, the difference with everybody else's story in mine is everybody else was drinking. I was totally sober last night, so I don't know what that says about me..."

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Host’s Cartwheel Story – 01:04–04:11
• Phil and the “Danger Slide” – 04:11–06:42
• Sydney’s Splits Disaster – 06:48–08:08
• Austin’s Slip & Slide Injury – 08:15–09:24
• Steve’s Dance Move Gone Wrong – 09:27–10:07
• Mae’s Hula Hoop Fail – 10:09–11:20
• Heather’s Stepdad Hamstring Pull – 11:21–11:44
• Holly’s Party Backbend – 11:56–12:23
• Host Wraps Up with Reflection – 12:23–12:46

Tone & Takeaways

The episode is filled with self-deprecating humor and camaraderie. Listeners and hosts alike bond over the realization that their bodies have changed since childhood. The stories move quickly, the laughter is genuine, and there’s a definite tone of, “We might be older, but we’re still kids at heart—even if it hurts.”

Final Reflection:
The host closes with the sentiment that sometimes the ego suffers even more than the body, and maybe it’s time to start yoga—before the next nostalgic impulse strikes.