Vault: How Did Your Wife Almost Ruin Everything?

Summary

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The Bert Show (Vault Episode): “How Did Your Wife Almost Ruin Everything?”

Date: December 18, 2025
Podcast Host: Pionaire Podcasting (Bert Show Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & others)

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Episode Overview

In this hilarious and relatable Vault episode, The Bert Show team dives into the theme of how significant others can sometimes unintentionally (or drunkenly) wreak havoc in both personal and professional lives. Building off a high-profile news story, the crew and listeners recount jaw-dropping, cringeworthy, and outright funny situations where a partner nearly "ruined everything." The stories feature blurted secrets, wild party antics, financial fiascos, and the universal repercussions of mixing relationships with workplace boundaries—many fueled by a bit too much alcohol.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Inspiration: When Spouses Step Over the Line

• [01:03] News Kicker: The discussion opens with a real-life headline—Senator Kerry's wife telling a reporter to “shove it.”
  • Quote:
    • "You tell a reporter to shove it. That's a big deal. Who knows if it's gonna inevitably lose him the election." — Host (01:24)
• This sparks the central question: How do spouses or significant others cross boundaries in ways that can cause major consequences?

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2. Listener and Crew Stories: Marital & Relationship Mayhem

A. The House Closing Catastrophe

• [01:36] A listener story about a wife accidentally revealing at a home closing that their down payment was borrowed—prompting the bank to pull the mortgage on the spot.
  • Quote:
    • “At the closing, she says to her husband, ‘It’s a good thing my parents are willing to loan us all that cash. It looks like we have the money for the down payment in the bank.’ …and they pulled the mortgage from her at the closing.” — Guest 1 (01:44)

B. Party Antics: Lady Crash’s Wild Ways

• [02:29] The “Teflon Crash” segment details wild holiday party embarrassments:
  • Flashing the GM (General Manager) at a Christmas party ([02:35]).
  • Grabbing the GM and his wife's butts on the way out of a birthday party ([02:45]).
  • Quote:
    • “She did that. She lifted up her shirt and showed the GM.” — Co-host (02:35)

C. The Job-Sabotaging Spouse (Scott’s Story)

• [03:03] Scott calls in about his ex-wife nearly ruining his career with theft and bounced checks.
  • She wrote fraudulent checks at his workplace, putting his job and reputation at risk.
  • Quote:
    • “She took a customer’s checkbook, wrote over $600 worth of checks on it…all of a sudden, complete silence. And I knew right then she did.” — Guest 3, Scott (03:21)
    • “I knew that if I stayed there, I would not be able to happen [advance].” — Guest 3, Scott (04:01)
  • Ultimately, she’s removed from the situation with support from his company.

D. Hiring a Significant Other Gone Wrong

• [04:27] Bert Show co-host (presumed Crash) shares his mistake hiring a girlfriend who soured office relationships, almost costing him his job.
  • Quote:
    • “It was a big talk around the whole stationary, like, how are we going to get rid of Crash's girlfriend without, you know, hurting Crash?” — Co-host (04:54)

E. Blurted Secrets at Work Events

• [05:03] Cheryl relates how her drunk husband “spilled the beans” at a party, outing her past with a female coworker, which led to ostracization at her church-run daycare job.
  • Quote:
    • “He decided while he was drunk to spill the beans and tell all them that I hadn't messed around with this other girl.” — Cheryl (05:03)
    • “So they went back and told the director… I was kind of the outcast at that point.” — Cheryl (06:04)

F. Truly Embarrassing Party Escapades

• [06:23] Discussion of drunken antics:
  • Woman licking an ice sculpture at a Christmas party.
  • Husband justifies this by sharing a worse story: his wife once mounted a decorative pig as a joke.
  • Quote:
    • “She was licking the ice sculpture… last year… she got up on the table and tried to mount the pig.” — Guest 1 (06:38)

G. The Professor’s Son Incident

• [07:00] Amy recalls her boyfriend, drunk at a family party, bad-mouthing their professor to the professor’s son—ruining their semester’s prospects.
  • Quote:
    • “My boyfriend walks up pretty drunk, and I go, ‘Hey, Dave, this is Dr. Paul.’ And he goes, ‘Oh, I hate Dr. Paul.’ …and didn’t quite get that this was his son.” — Amy (07:14)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "These right here are great calls and a great reason why we should go back to prohibition. Because all these have to do with alcohol, man." — Host (07:40)
• “Who knows if it’s gonna inevitably lose him the election. But Jeff had a thought after hearing that, like, there are certain situations where your significant other can step across the bounds.” — Host (01:24)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Major Theme Introduction/News Hook: [01:03–01:24]
• House Closing Story: [01:36–02:21]
• Lady Crash’s Party Stories: [02:29–02:55]
• Scott’s Work & Marriage Fiasco: [03:01–04:26]
• Hiring the Wrong Girlfriend: [04:27–04:59]
• Cheryl’s Party Confession Fallout: [05:01–06:18]
• Ice Sculpture & Pig Mounting Stories: [06:23–06:55]
• Amy’s “Dr. Paul” Story: [07:00–07:40]

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Tone & Delivery

True to The Bert Show’s style, the episode balances honesty and humor, using self-deprecating banter and keeping things light even when recounting tense or embarrassing situations. Many stories are punctuated by laughter, sighs, or groans, and there’s a recurring theme of “it’s funny because it’s true… and probably happened after a few drinks.”

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Summary

This episode blends personal confessions, wild listener stories, and the universal theme of spouses unintentionally pushing boundaries. The show’s relaxed, comedic style allows for vulnerability and lots of laughter about awkward situations—usually in hindsight. Whether it’s nearly losing a mortgage, an ice-sculpture incident, or a drunken confession at a work party, everyone has a story about a partner “almost ruining everything.”

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For full episodes and more listener stories, tune in daily or visit The Bert Show online.

Transcript

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[Co-host]

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[Host]

Here's what we're talking about. We're talking about Senator Kerry's wife yesterday really going off on a reporter and telling him to shove it.

[Guest 2]

You know what the question is? Say that I call this an unamerican activity. I did not. Are you for the tribunal review?

[Guest 1]

Yes, I am.

[Co-host]

Of course.

[Guest 1]

Come here.

[Guest 2]

Understandable you said something I didn't say. Now shove it.

[Host]

You in the political role, that's a pretty big deal. Now shove it. Yeah, you tell a reporter to shove it. That's a big deal. Who knows if it's gonna inevitably lose him the election. But Jeff had a thought after hearing.

[Guest 1]

That, like, you know, there are certain situations where your significant other can step across the bounds. The story that I heard was a woman sitting at a, you know, house closing. And obviously the family had borrowed money. And if you've ever purchased a house, I mean, every T has to be crossed and I has to be dotted and everything has to be perfect. So they had borrowed money from his or her parents and put it in an account. So it looked like they were, you know, had enough cash to buy this particular house. And at the closing, she says to her husband, it's a good thing my parents are willing to loan us all that cash. It looks like we have the money for the down payment in the bank. And they pulled the closing attorney and the mortgage person Was sitting right there and they pulled the mortgage from her at the closing.

[Host]

If Crash was in Teflon Crash, then something that happened at a holiday party with Lady Crash probably could have got him fired also.

[Guest 1]

Teflon Crash, totally, man.

[Host]

And that was the thing with Lady Crash. Didn't she flash her boobs to the general manager?

[Co-host]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was at our Christmas party. Or I don't remember what it was. It was probably numerous occasions. But yeah, she. She did that. She lifted up her shirt and showed the gm.

[Guest 1]

I mean, there's other ones too. I mean, there's, I believe, Lady Crash grabbing the butts of the general manager and the general manager's wife as they attempted to leave my birthday party.

[Co-host]

Oh, that was me, but that was you I grabbed.

[Host]

Yeah. So he would have been getting himself in trouble, which is something different, but.

[Guest 1]

Hey, Ye.

[Host]

Scott.

[Guest 3]

Yes.

[Host]

What's going on?

[Guest 3]

Well, my situation pretty much the same thing. My ex wife, now ex wife, work, wanted to go to work for the same company that I did. She had a bad problem spending money, so she. I put her on my checking account like most married people do. She ended up bouncing checks. So I bank. Ended up closing the account. Basically after that. She's a company she went to work for. Like I said, well, my company, she took a customer's checkbook, wrote over $600 worth of checks on it. Moss prevention came out, talked to her, she called me and I said, you know, we'll talk to him. You have nothing to do with. Didn't you? And all of a sudden, complete silence. And I knew right then she did.

[Host]

And you got fired for that?

[Guest 3]

No, I didn't. Fortunately, I had a very good rapport with my district manager. And he. I went and told him I had nothing to do with it. He said, if we knew that you had something to do with it, they would have been out there talking to you also. But I still felt like they. I was in the background of it.

[Guest 1]

So like they just looked at you differently?

[Guest 3]

Exactly, exactly. And I was working my way up the. Up the corporate ladder and I wanted to become. Wanted to get higher and higher, and I knew that if I stayed there, I would not be able to happen. That would not be able to happen.

[Host]

Especially with her by your side.

[Guest 3]

Sure, exactly. Came over to my. Over to the house. So they said, you know, we know you didn't have nothing to do with it, but you've got to prove to your people that they. That. That you didn't. So in about two and a half hours, they helped Me move out of the house and move away.

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[Host]

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[Co-host]

I made that hard mistake one time of hiring a girlfriend where I worked. It's when I was working for a place called Traffic Scan and I, I. And I hired my ex girlfriend at the time to be a secretary. And she was just miserable with jobs. I mean, she was constantly losing jobs and getting fired and she was always just, Just so mean. And then it, it actually was a big talk around the whole stationary, like, how are we going to get rid of Crash's girlfriend without, you know, hurting Crash? Because I had such a great rapport. And eventually she wound up quitting and literally almost saving my job because people were hating me. She was such a.

[Host]

Hey, Cheryl.

[Guest 4]

Hi.

[Host]

Hey.

[Guest 2]

I used to be an assistant director at a daycare center that was owned by a church. And I had previously messed around with one of the girls that worked there. My now ex husband. At the time, my husband was at a big party with us and some of my other co workers were there and he decided while he was drunk to spill the beans and tell all them that I hadn't messed around with this other girl.

[Guest 1]

Oh, no.

[Guest 2]

No.

[Guest 1]

That can't happen.

[Host]

That right there is gonna be my Verizon commercial. I'm not even gonna talk in it. That's it.

[Guest 1]

Are you back?

[Host]

Are you back?

[Guest 4]

Yes.

[Host]

Okay. We missed the last. The last half of that.

[Guest 2]

Oh, okay. I actually have Horizon too. Damn it.

[Host]

That's not gonna go over well.

[Guest 1]

Good idea. Not gonna use it.

[Host]

All right, so once again, you mess around with a girl and your. And your husband.

[Guest 4]

Yes.

[Host]

Ends up telling everybody about it.

[Guest 2]

He tells everyone at a big party that we had. And a lot of my co workers were there. So they went back and told the director of the daycare center. And I was kind of the outcast at that point. I didn't stay there much longer. Cause life was a living hell after that.

[Host]

So he was like bragging to everybody there, like, ah, my wife hooking up.

[Guest 3]

To this other chick.

[Guest 1]

We had a. And I wonder how many of these involve alcohol. Cause we had a girl at Pretty Force, I bet at our Christmas party one year who ended up getting so hammered that she was licking the ice sculpture at the company Christmas party.

[Host]

That's never good.

[Guest 1]

And her husband, who had also had several drinks, explained to us that that was no big deal. Deal. Because last year, as a joke, she. It was like a Hawaiian theme and she got up on the table and tried to mount the pig. Oh.

[Co-host]

And he told the whole.

[Guest 1]

Told the whole room.

[Host]

Have you repulsing crash. Clark, you've really done an offense.

[Guest 1]

Yeah.

[Host]

Hey, Amy.

[Guest 4]

Hey. Mine's not as great as the last one, but it's close. It also involves alcohol. My boyfriend and I were in all the same classes in college and we went to a party of a family friend because I grew up in the same town as my college and the son of our professor, Dr. Paul, was there at the party, and I'm talking to him and trying to help out our grades because we weren't doing so great in that class. And my boyfriend walks up pretty drunk, and I go, hey, Dave, this is Dr. Paul. And he goes, oh, I hate Dr. Paul. And he starts going on and on about this professor and how bad he is, and he didn't quite get that this was his son and it ruined the rest of our semester.

[Host]

See this? These right here are great calls and a great reason why we should go back to prohibition. Because all these have to do with alcohol, man. No alcohol.

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