The Bert Show – “Vault: How Do You Avoid Your Long Winded Friends?”
Date: February 5, 2026
Main Cast: Birch, Jeff, Melissa, Katie, Nate
Episode Theme:
This lively episode zeroes in on a universally relatable dilemma: how to dodge lengthy, meandering phone calls from long-winded friends without feeling guilty or hurting anyone’s feelings. The cast trades personal anecdotes and clever avoidance techniques, takes calls from listeners, and riffs on the modern evolution of communication habits.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. How Do You Handle “Long Talkers”? (00:01 – 01:37)
- Immediate Yes: The cast quickly admits to dodging calls from friends known for dragging conversations out.
- Jeff: “It’s not necessarily long talkers, but it’s sometimes the friends you don’t talk to for a long time... you know it’s going to be a long conversation trying to get caught up on everything.” (00:09)
- Birch likens it to putting off time-consuming emails: “You just save it, and you think you’re gonna get back to it... Oh, I know I’m gonna be on the phone with this person 20 minutes.”
- Mutual Understanding: The idea that some friendships allow for quick, to-the-point calls, while others are draining due to the expectation of an hour-long catchup.
2. Evading Conversation Endings (00:58 – 01:23)
- Katie introduces “the wrap-up refusers”: the people who won’t take even the most obvious hints.
- Katie: “Or they’re the people that refuse to acknowledge the wrap up...” (00:58)
- Mimics a familiar scenario: You try to close the conversation, but your friend keeps pivoting back to new topics.
3. Excuses & Tactics: Getting Off the Phone (01:23 – 03:16)
- Tactical Texting: Melissa sees texting as a lifeline for cutting down long calls.
- Inventing Emergencies: Katie fakes urgent events to escape, a move Melissa recognizes and sometimes resents.
- Melissa: “She acts as if something just came up...and then she never calls you back.” (02:42)
- Faking Bad Reception: Birch and Katie debate the ethics and execution of pretending the call is dropping.
- Birch: “Have you guys ever faked having a bad connection and then hung up?” (02:56)
- Katie: “No, I’ve never done that one, but I do hung up [and] click it.” (03:10)
4. Praying for Voicemail & Ignoring Callbacks (03:26 – 04:20)
- Jeff's Ritual: Admits to hoping (“voicemail, voicemail, voicemail...”) that an outgoing call lands in voicemail to avoid a live conversation.
- “On the fourth ring, you’re like, oh, I’m so there. And their voicemail picks up like, yes.” (03:26)
- Caller ID Dodge: Katie describes feigning technological issues to excuse missed calls: “Sometimes my phone is weird. When I’m in a rural area... it doesn’t ring.” (03:52)
5. Listener Call-In: Dodging Guilt-Trip Friends (04:20 – 05:15)
- Nate shares: He dodges calls from friends who guilt-trip him about not calling often enough, especially after becoming a new parent.
- Birch: “If I avoided every one of those calls... I wouldn’t be able to call anybody because I can’t remember the last time I actually called somebody and they said, ‘Dude, it’s been so long since we talked.’” (04:40)
- Katie: “Here’s the answer that we’re thinking when you go, ‘So there’s so many more important people in your life that you can’t call me back?’—well, yeah, as a matter of fact, there are.” (05:02)
6. Advanced Avoidance Strategies (05:15 – 06:14)
- Katie’s “Guaranteed Trick”: How to force a call to go straight to voicemail every time—use two phones, one muted, one from a landline.
- Katie: “If two are calling at the same time, the second one goes right to voicemail. The first one’s on mute.” (05:54)
- Melissa, giggling: “That’s the equivalent of tapping the wrong shoulder and they turn the wrong direction and then you sneak on the other side.” (06:09)
7. Phone Features & Call Avoidance Tech (06:14 – 06:57)
- Knowing How You Were Ignored: Jeff explains that some phones have distinct behaviors when a caller is sent to voicemail, giving the game away.
- Birch: “I didn’t know that outside of the regular three or four rings... I have an ignore feature on my phone where if it’s ringing, I just hit ignore and then I know it goes right to voicemail.” (06:35)
- Listening Live to Voicemails: Katie mentions new services that let you hear voicemails as they’re being left.
- Katie: “…there is a service out there that allows you to listen to voicemails while they’re being left.” (06:48)
8. Listener Call-In: The Ultimate Excuse (07:18 – 07:38)
- Heather (EMS worker) shares her go-to: “I’ll tell them I get an emergency and turn my sirens on.”
- Melissa: “That’s a beautiful, beautiful trick you got.” (07:35)
9. How Communication is Changing (07:38 – 08:11)
- Changing Social Norms:
- Birch: “We are turning into a society where conversations are going to be obsolete eventually with Instant Messenger and text.” (07:38)
- Jeff differentiates: “I’m cool with a five minute phone conversation or being a means to an end... but the rambling... I’m just like, no.” (07:44)
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- “You don’t let me go. You want to go. You’re not letting me go because I want to go. I’ll let you go because I don’t want to talk to you anymore, is really what they’re saying.” – Birch (01:45)
- “If you realize you’re one of those people that gives guilt trips, just know... we are hitting ignore.” – Jeff (05:02)
- “I gotta tell you, I have taught by a friend a guaranteed trick to go right to voicemail if you want it every time.” – Katie (05:17)
- “That’s the equivalent of tapping the wrong shoulder and they turn the wrong direction and then you sneak on the other side.” – Melissa (06:09)
- “We are turning into a society where conversations are going to be obsolete eventually with Instant messenger and text.” – Birch (07:38)
Timestamps for Key Segments
- 00:01 – Opening dilemma: Dodging long-winded friends’ calls
- 00:58 – People who ignore all attempts to “wrap up” a call
- 01:23–02:56 – Cast’s top excuses and tricks for ending calls
- 03:26 – The “please send me to voicemail” hope
- 04:20 – Nate calls in about new parenthood and guilt-trip friends
- 05:15 – Katie’s double-phone voicemail hack
- 06:35 – Phone features that out you as a call-ignorer
- 06:48 – Listening to voicemails live
- 07:18 – Heather’s EMS siren trick
- 07:38–08:11 – Are real conversations becoming obsolete?
Tone and Style
Light-hearted, confessional, and filled with quick banter and playful teasing. The group’s candor turns a mildly awkward social problem into a comedic exploration of modern friendship, with each member supplying self-aware commentary and tactical “life hacks.”
Conclusion
For anyone who’s ever stared at a buzzing phone with dread, this episode is packed with humor, relatability, and clever (sometimes sneaky) solutions. The Bert Show crew both exposes and laughs at universal avoidance tactics, reflecting changing attitudes toward communication in the digital age. Listeners come away feeling less guilty, more clever, and far from alone in dodging those lengthy, rambling calls.