Vault: How Do You Avoid Your Long Winded Friends?

Summary

The Bert Show – “Vault: How Do You Avoid Your Long Winded Friends?”

Date: February 5, 2026
Main Cast: Birch, Jeff, Melissa, Katie, Nate
Episode Theme:
This lively episode zeroes in on a universally relatable dilemma: how to dodge lengthy, meandering phone calls from long-winded friends without feeling guilty or hurting anyone’s feelings. The cast trades personal anecdotes and clever avoidance techniques, takes calls from listeners, and riffs on the modern evolution of communication habits.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. How Do You Handle “Long Talkers”? (00:01 – 01:37)

• Immediate Yes: The cast quickly admits to dodging calls from friends known for dragging conversations out.
  • Jeff: “It’s not necessarily long talkers, but it’s sometimes the friends you don’t talk to for a long time... you know it’s going to be a long conversation trying to get caught up on everything.” (00:09)
  • Birch likens it to putting off time-consuming emails: “You just save it, and you think you’re gonna get back to it... Oh, I know I’m gonna be on the phone with this person 20 minutes.”
• Mutual Understanding: The idea that some friendships allow for quick, to-the-point calls, while others are draining due to the expectation of an hour-long catchup.

2. Evading Conversation Endings (00:58 – 01:23)

• Katie introduces “the wrap-up refusers”: the people who won’t take even the most obvious hints.
  • Katie: “Or they’re the people that refuse to acknowledge the wrap up...” (00:58)
  • Mimics a familiar scenario: You try to close the conversation, but your friend keeps pivoting back to new topics.

3. Excuses & Tactics: Getting Off the Phone (01:23 – 03:16)

• Tactical Texting: Melissa sees texting as a lifeline for cutting down long calls.
• Inventing Emergencies: Katie fakes urgent events to escape, a move Melissa recognizes and sometimes resents.
  • Melissa: “She acts as if something just came up...and then she never calls you back.” (02:42)
• Faking Bad Reception: Birch and Katie debate the ethics and execution of pretending the call is dropping.
  • Birch: “Have you guys ever faked having a bad connection and then hung up?” (02:56)
  • Katie: “No, I’ve never done that one, but I do hung up [and] click it.” (03:10)

4. Praying for Voicemail & Ignoring Callbacks (03:26 – 04:20)

• Jeff's Ritual: Admits to hoping (“voicemail, voicemail, voicemail...”) that an outgoing call lands in voicemail to avoid a live conversation.
  • “On the fourth ring, you’re like, oh, I’m so there. And their voicemail picks up like, yes.” (03:26)
• Caller ID Dodge: Katie describes feigning technological issues to excuse missed calls: “Sometimes my phone is weird. When I’m in a rural area... it doesn’t ring.” (03:52)

5. Listener Call-In: Dodging Guilt-Trip Friends (04:20 – 05:15)

• Nate shares: He dodges calls from friends who guilt-trip him about not calling often enough, especially after becoming a new parent.
  • Birch: “If I avoided every one of those calls... I wouldn’t be able to call anybody because I can’t remember the last time I actually called somebody and they said, ‘Dude, it’s been so long since we talked.’” (04:40)
  • Katie: “Here’s the answer that we’re thinking when you go, ‘So there’s so many more important people in your life that you can’t call me back?’—well, yeah, as a matter of fact, there are.” (05:02)

6. Advanced Avoidance Strategies (05:15 – 06:14)

• Katie’s “Guaranteed Trick”: How to force a call to go straight to voicemail every time—use two phones, one muted, one from a landline.
  • Katie: “If two are calling at the same time, the second one goes right to voicemail. The first one’s on mute.” (05:54)
  • Melissa, giggling: “That’s the equivalent of tapping the wrong shoulder and they turn the wrong direction and then you sneak on the other side.” (06:09)

7. Phone Features & Call Avoidance Tech (06:14 – 06:57)

• Knowing How You Were Ignored: Jeff explains that some phones have distinct behaviors when a caller is sent to voicemail, giving the game away.
  • Birch: “I didn’t know that outside of the regular three or four rings... I have an ignore feature on my phone where if it’s ringing, I just hit ignore and then I know it goes right to voicemail.” (06:35)
• Listening Live to Voicemails: Katie mentions new services that let you hear voicemails as they’re being left.
  • Katie: “…there is a service out there that allows you to listen to voicemails while they’re being left.” (06:48)

8. Listener Call-In: The Ultimate Excuse (07:18 – 07:38)

• Heather (EMS worker) shares her go-to: “I’ll tell them I get an emergency and turn my sirens on.”
  • Melissa: “That’s a beautiful, beautiful trick you got.” (07:35)

9. How Communication is Changing (07:38 – 08:11)

• Changing Social Norms:
  • Birch: “We are turning into a society where conversations are going to be obsolete eventually with Instant Messenger and text.” (07:38)
• Jeff differentiates: “I’m cool with a five minute phone conversation or being a means to an end... but the rambling... I’m just like, no.” (07:44)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You don’t let me go. You want to go. You’re not letting me go because I want to go. I’ll let you go because I don’t want to talk to you anymore, is really what they’re saying.” – Birch (01:45)
• “If you realize you’re one of those people that gives guilt trips, just know... we are hitting ignore.” – Jeff (05:02)
• “I gotta tell you, I have taught by a friend a guaranteed trick to go right to voicemail if you want it every time.” – Katie (05:17)
• “That’s the equivalent of tapping the wrong shoulder and they turn the wrong direction and then you sneak on the other side.” – Melissa (06:09)
• “We are turning into a society where conversations are going to be obsolete eventually with Instant messenger and text.” – Birch (07:38)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:01 – Opening dilemma: Dodging long-winded friends’ calls
• 00:58 – People who ignore all attempts to “wrap up” a call
• 01:23–02:56 – Cast’s top excuses and tricks for ending calls
• 03:26 – The “please send me to voicemail” hope
• 04:20 – Nate calls in about new parenthood and guilt-trip friends
• 05:15 – Katie’s double-phone voicemail hack
• 06:35 – Phone features that out you as a call-ignorer
• 06:48 – Listening to voicemails live
• 07:18 – Heather’s EMS siren trick
• 07:38–08:11 – Are real conversations becoming obsolete?

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Tone and Style

Light-hearted, confessional, and filled with quick banter and playful teasing. The group’s candor turns a mildly awkward social problem into a comedic exploration of modern friendship, with each member supplying self-aware commentary and tactical “life hacks.”

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Conclusion

For anyone who’s ever stared at a buzzing phone with dread, this episode is packed with humor, relatability, and clever (sometimes sneaky) solutions. The Bert Show crew both exposes and laughs at universal avoidance tactics, reflecting changing attitudes toward communication in the digital age. Listeners come away feeling less guilty, more clever, and far from alone in dodging those lengthy, rambling calls.

Transcript

[Birch]

Hey, the bird show.

[Jeff]

Do you guys have friends that you kind of avoid their phone calls? Yes. I hate to say that, but it's.

[Birch]

Usually the long talkers.

[Melissa]

Yes.

[Jeff]

It's not necessarily long talkers, but it's sometimes the friends that you don't talk to for a long time. So you know it's gonna be a long conversation trying to get caught up on everything. It's like, because there's some friends I don't talk to for a while where we can just pick up real quick and have a five minute conversation. No big deal. You know, like one of my friends in Florida will be like, yeah, I'm running around with my kids. Okay, great to talk to you. Okay, gotta go, bye. Whatever. And it's great. And we'll always pick up each other's phone calls because it doesn't feel like it's gonna be an hour long investment.

[Birch]

Sure.

[Jeff]

But then there's other friends that once you get on the phone, you feel like you're always the one who's ending the conversation.

[Birch]

Yeah. This is the email version of like when you open up an email and there's something that's gonna take a lot of time, you just save it. And then you think you're gonna get back to it with a voicemail or a call like this. Oh, I know. I'm gonna be on the phone with this person 20 minutes. So I'll just call them back. And they never do.

[Katie]

Or they're the people that refuse to acknowledge the wrap up. Yeah, like when you're at the end of the call and you do the. Well, it's really cool. Tell your mom I said hi. Oh, I will. You know, she went to Connecticut last week to go up to the casinos. And then you're like, oh, that's great. Really? How'd she do? Did she do good? Oh, yeah, she did. Okay, great. Well, I'll give her my best and I'll talk to you later. I will. Hey, you know, we might be down that way in a couple days. Oh, my God. Don't you get the hint?

[Melissa]

That's what text messaging is for.

[Jeff]

Yeah, I text those people and then it's the friends too, that will be doing something. So you try to allow them to something to be the excuse to get off the phone. Like, a friend of mine was like, oh, I'm going into the bank real quick. Hang on one second.

[Katie]

Oh, that's okay.

[Jeff]

Just call me back later. It's all right. You know what? Oh, no, no, no. Just hold on. And then they're like talking to the bank teller while you're still on the phone with them, and they're, like, doing their thing. You're like, no, really, we should get off the phone right now. You know, that's one of my.

[Birch]

That's one of my pet peeves when somebody says to me, okay, I'll let you go. You don't let me go. You want to go. You're not letting me go because I want to go. I'll let you go because I don't want to talk to you anymore, is really what they're saying.

[Jeff]

Exactly.

[Katie]

I was on the phone with somebody yesterday and was actually. Than because they were having a random conversation. Actually, it was fairly important. We were talking about something. And in the middle of the conversation, she said, okay, I just walked into the dentist's office. I have to go. And I said, all right, talk to you later. And appreciated that because the day before yesterday, I got stuck on the phone with somebody who did exactly what Javi just said. Like, they're like, hold on a minute. And then I hear them walk up and they paid for their gas, which. Who doesn't buy gas at the pump, you idiot?

[Jeff]

They hide your card.

[Katie]

Yeah. So they paid for the gas. They. Then they bought scratch off tickets, and they weren't even 60. I'm like, what are you doing? And I'm listening to the whole thing.

[Birch]

Piss.

[Jeff]

Cause you're ready to get off the phone.

[Melissa]

Sure.

[Jeff]

They're like, if you got something else going on, it's okay. We can end this conversation.

[Melissa]

You know what Katie does is she acts as if something just came up.

[Jeff]

Like, oh, my God.

[Melissa]

Okay, I have to call you right back. And then she never calls you back.

[Jeff]

See, that's good.

[Melissa]

And then when she does it on me, though, I get mad because I think, wait a second. I know you're trick. But that's what she does, is makes it sound like an emergency. And the person's like, oh, okay.

[Birch]

Have you guys ever faked having a bad connection and then hung up?

[Katie]

Yep.

[Birch]

Like, you're talking just like this.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Birch]

And so. And then yesterday. And then you hang up, and you're right in the middle of the sentence, and it just appears as though the phone went dead, but it really didn't. You've never done that?

[Katie]

No, I've never done that one, but I do hung up the phone, like, right in the middle, click it, like, oh.

[Jeff]

And then you just tell them next time, like, oh, sorry, man, it must have been a bad connection or something.

[Katie]

You hang it up and turn it off immediately. It goes right to voicemail. Like, oh, damn, it's battery.

[Birch]

Battery.

[Jeff]

I do the thing where you pray for voicemail when you're calling them back, and it's one of those people you're going to talk to for a long time. You're like, voicemail, voicemail, voicemail, voicemail. On the fourth ring, you're like, oh, I'm so there. I'm so there. I'm so there. And their voicemail picks up like, yes. So you start leaving a message, and then they're beeping in. And then do you ever do that whole thing where you ignore the beeping, like you're not getting it somehow? Like, in the trickery of phone land, like, you didn't get their call in. You don't see it already in their voicemail?

[Katie]

In the magic of cellular technology, anything is possible. Exactly. Like, I've called people back, and they said, oh, didn't you see? I called? And I'm like, no. Sometimes my phone is weird. When I'm in a rural area like Sandy Springs, it doesn't ring. It just comes up and says, you have new voicemail. But I can't check it until I get a metro to a metro area like Marietta. So I don't have any towers near my house, you know, up near the corner of Roswell and Hammond.

[Birch]

Hey, Nate, you're on Q100.

[Nate]

Hey, good morning, guys. Hey. I was gonna say, I get phone calls from friends that I haven't talked to in a while, mostly because my wife and I just had a newborn and it's been really busy. But I dodged phone calls from people that I know are gonna put me on a guilt trip for not calling them in so long.

[Birch]

If I avoided every one of those calls, I wouldn't be able to call anybody because I can't remember the last time I actually called somebody and they said, dude, it's been so long since we talked, man. I called you three weeks ago.

[Katie]

Don't give me a guilt trip when I call you.

[Birch]

Yeah, I feel you, Nate.

[Nate]

Yeah. Cool. Later, guys.

[Jeff]

If you realize you're one of those people that gives guilt trips, just know that you're one of those people where we are hitting ignore.

[Katie]

Just so you know, here's the answer that we're thinking when you go, oh, so there's so many more important people in your life that you can't call me back? You know, we're thinking, well, yeah, as a matter of fact, there are. That's what we're thinking.

[Birch]

Even if it's my mom.

[Katie]

Right?

[Nate]

Yeah, mom.

[Birch]

You're about fourth on the depth chart.

[Katie]

I gotta tell you, I have taught by a friend a guaranteed trick to go right to voicemail if you want it every time.

[Jeff]

What is it?

[Katie]

You have to have two phones.

[Jeff]

Oh.

[Katie]

You make the initial call on your cell phone.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Katie]

The minute it starts to ring, you put your cell phone on mute and dial the same number from a landline.

[Birch]

Because that's a lot of work to avoid a call right there. You really hate people because of the cell phone.

[Melissa]

I'll have to get a land cell.

[Katie]

Phone trickery down to your lair to run some cables into your cable.

[Melissa]

I have to get the.

[Jeff]

If two are calling at the same.

[Katie]

Time, the second one goes right to voicemail. The first one's on mute. So they pick it up and they go, hello, hello, hello. Meanwhile, you've gone right to voicemail and you're like, hey, what's up, Jen, It's Jeff. I don't know what happened. Your phone just acted weird. But anyways, call me back when you get a second and I'll ignore it.

[Melissa]

That's the equivalent of tapping the wrong shoulder and they turn the wrong direction and then you're sneak on the other side.

[Jeff]

You're right. That is actually really brilliant. And then there's. Isn't there some buttons on your phone? Like, I know on the BlackBerry, like, there's a button on the top that if you hit ignore, they still hear it ring all the way to voicemail. But if you hit the end button, then it sends them to voicemail because you can hear when you're calling someone and they send you to voicemail because it rings twice to like two or three times and then they send you.

[Birch]

I didn't know that outside of the.

[Jeff]

Regular, like three or four rings?

[Birch]

Yeah, I have an ignore feature on my phone where if it's ringing, I just hit ignore and then I know it goes right to voicemail.

[Jeff]

Yeah, but when people call you, they might know that you're sending them to voicemail.

[Birch]

Well, they do now. Thank you.

[Katie]

I haven't explored this service enough, but there is a service out there that allows you to listen to voicemails while they're being left.

[Birch]

Oh, that's beautiful.

[Katie]

And if you want to, every phone.

[Melissa]

Should have the mistake one. Oh, hey, it's Melissa. Oh, wait, redo.

[Katie]

If you want to hear that whole thing, you can just start talking.

[Birch]

Oh, that would jack you up.

[Katie]

So you hear the greeting. Hey, it's Jeff. Leave me a message. Hey, Jeff, I was just wondering if you want to go to dinner tomorrow night and blah, blah, blah. No, I don't go.

[Birch]

Hey, Heather, you're on Q100.

[Nate]

Good morning, guys. I was listening to y' all talk about the cell phone thing. I work in ems, so I have friends that like to call me, and you can't get them off the phone. So I'll tell them I get an emergency and turn my sirens on.

[Melissa]

That's a beautiful, beautiful trick you got.

[Birch]

We are turning into a society where conversations are going to be obsolete eventually with Instant messenger and text.

[Jeff]

Not everybody. It's not conversations in general. Yeah, like, I'm cool with a five minute phone conversation or like, being a means to an end. Like, hey, do you want to do something on Thursday night? Sure, let's do dinner. Where are we gonna go?

[Birch]

I don't know.

[Jeff]

Text me later and we'll figure out exactly where to go, what time. Like, those kind of phone conversations where it's a means to an end are great, but the rambling and the rambling and rambling while you're going to the grocery store and then you're checking out and you're talking to the cashier and all that stuff, I'm just like, no.

[Birch]

Hey, the Birch Show.