Vault: How Do You Celebrate Christmas With No Kids Around?

Summary

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The Bert Show – Vault: How Do You Celebrate Christmas With No Kids Around?

Episode Date: May 20, 2026
Hosts & Guests: Melissa, Jan, regular Bert Show co-hosts, callers
Theme: Creative and meaningful ways to celebrate Christmas in a household with no children

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Episode Overview

This episode delves into the unique challenge of maintaining the spirit of Christmas in households without children. Melissa brings up the issue her family faces—finding new adult-centric Christmas traditions—as her extended family currently has no children. The discussion unfolds with humorous anecdotes, inventive ideas, and practical suggestions from both the hosts and callers, all while holding onto the Bert Show’s signature blend of relatable humor and honesty.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The “Kidless Christmas” Dilemma

• Melissa opens with the realization that “Christmas really is about children.”
  • She reflects on her own nostalgia for Christmas lights and traditions rooted in childhood.
  • Her family's current situation: “There are no children in our home for Christmas. It is my brother, it is my sister—neither one of them have children. It is Katie and I. We don’t have children.”
  • Her sister Melanie’s unique approach, buying her own Christmas gifts and sending receipts to the family, sparks debate and laughter.

[01:30, Melissa]: “It kind of shows you the temperature in our home when it comes to Christmas… We feel like, I guess we can treat ourselves better than anybody can treat us in the family.”

The “Self-Gifting” Controversy

• The cast pokes fun at Melanie for consistently purchasing her own Christmas presents.
  • Co-host 2: “I can’t think of something less Christmassy than that.” [03:14]
  • Debate over whether this is practical or a Christmas foul.

Searching for New Traditions

• Melissa’s family is looking for fun, alternative Christmas activities that don’t revolve around children or traditional gift exchanges.
• Jan shares her family’s inventive traditions:
  • Garage Sale Gifts: Each person brings the “tackiest” item they can find, which sparks laughter and good-natured competition.
  • As Seen on TV Gift Exchange: The upcoming twist to the tradition, where every gift must be a quirky “as seen on TV” item.
  • These traditions embrace humor and togetherness, focusing on shared experience over “perfect” gifts.

[05:25, Jan]: “It became this really hilarious Christmas thing because it was like, oh, my Lord, what are we gonna unwrap next that’s just, like, tacky and horrible and hilarious?”

Lighthearted Escalations

• Co-host 2 jokes about even more impractical gift ideas, like a gift exchange limited to DVDs or “sex toys,” quickly rebuffed as “creepy.”
• Playful suggestion to set up a table with dolls as pretend “kids,” prompting:

  [08:02, Co-host 2]: “That’s creepier than anything sexual you’ve said today.”

Callers’ Solutions and Input

• Caller Jamie offers a “re-gifting” tradition: family members exchange unused items from around their own homes.
• Laughter ensues at the idea of rotating traditions annually, or even escalating to an all-shoplifted gift exchange—clearly a joke but representative of the show’s irreverent tone.

[08:54, Caller Jamie]: “We do re-gifting. We just take items that are in our houses and just draw numbers and see who gets the best items.”

Philosophical & Emotional Reflections

• The crew acknowledges the challenge of reframing Christmas without children and sentimentalizes the idea that Christmas joy can be redefined at any age.
• Philanthropy is mentioned as a possible adult-focused tradition (e.g., “angel tree”), though Melissa clarifies they’re specifically seeking fun family activities.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [03:14, Co-host 2]: “I can’t think of something less Christmassy than [buying your own present].”
• [05:25, Jan]: “It became this really hilarious Christmas thing because it was like, oh, my Lord, what are we gonna unwrap next?”
• [08:02, Co-host 2]: “That’s creepier than anything sexual you’ve said today.”
• [08:54, Caller Jamie]: “We do re-gifting. We just take items that are in our houses and just draw numbers and see who gets the best items.”
• [09:22, Co-host 1, joking]: “What if, like, the gift next year is all stuff you shoplifted?”

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• [01:30] Melissa introduces the “no kids Christmas” challenge
• [03:00]-[03:38] Family stories about self-gifting and practical Christmas infractions
• [04:35]-[07:08] Jan’s creative “garage sale gift” and “as seen on TV” ideas
• [07:27]-[07:51] Discussion on philanthropy and why that’s not the focus for this episode
• [08:11]-[09:15] Callers suggest white elephant and re-gifting traditions
• [09:22] (Humorous) suggestion of a “shoplifted presents” theme

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Conclusion

This episode blends humor, nostalgia, and practical advice for families looking to maintain festive Christmas traditions without children present. From “white elephant” and tacky garage sale gift exchanges to more creative as-seen-on-TV themes and re-gifting rituals, the Bert Show crew and their listeners prove that Christmas magic isn’t just for kids. The warmth, laughter, and inventiveness on display make this episode inspiring for anyone seeking new ways to celebrate with adult-only gatherings.

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Transcript

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[Melissa]

The Bird show so Christmas really is about children. That sounds like a psa, I'm about to say. But I mean, seriously, anything you like about Christmas usually stems from when you were a kid, you know, because I love the blanky lights. Anything about Christmas, I love the lights. I love lit houses and the Christmas trees and anything that's lit. Because when I was a kid, it was fascinating to me and it stuck with me all these years. So I mean everybody. And then if you have children in your home, of course you're gonna make this extra effort. I'm learning that you usually make an extra effort to make your home more decor and more special because there's kids around and you want to Share Christmas with them and teach them all about the holiday now that they're young, so that they can have this experience to carry on with them. Well, in my family, the issue is there's no kids around. So it is my brother, it is my sister. Neither one of them have children. It is Katie and I. We don't have children. Mom is, you know, older and she, you know, doesn't claim any of us. And, you know, and Katie's family, same thing. I mean, her cousins, you know, are older. And so it's. We realize that there are no children in our home for Christmas. And so my sister brought this up over the holiday while we were home for Thanksgiving and said, you know what? I really wish that we could come up with some alternative way to celebrate Christmas with each other since there's no kids around. Because of course, when children come in to play, then we'll do the whole family's together. We have the tree, we have the presents. We do, you know, we spoil the kids. But right now, as adults, I mean, I'm going to call her out. Okay, I love you, Melanie, but my sister went ahead and bought her Christmas gift already.

[Co-host 2]

She bought her?

[Melissa]

Yes.

[Co-host 2]

She bought her own?

[Melissa]

Yes, she bought her own. She let us know.

[Co-host 1]

She did that to you last year, didn't she?

[Melissa]

Yeah, I believe she did. This is a consistent thing. She's consistent.

[Co-host 1]

And didn't she just mail you the receipt?

[Melissa]

She may have and she didn't get an issue.

[Co-host 1]

Yeah, it was like two years ago. I remember this because I can't think

[Co-host 2]

of something less Christmassy than that.

[Melissa]

I remember even she wants to make sure. Now, I'm not saying it's the oldest kid thing or anything, but she wants to make sure that everything's perfect and she gets the perfect gift, and so she can only give that to herself.

[Co-host 1]

Wow. I remember being upset at that. And I'm the king of practicality. But it was a couple years years ago and she did it again. You came in and vented because you drew her in. Secret Santa. So she just mailed you the receipt and you can mail her a check

[Co-host 2]

that is a step higher than what I consider to be one of the biggest Christmas infractions is when you give somebody a catalog and you circle exactly what you want in that catalog, Stacy. Like that. To me, actually going out and getting the present and then sending you the receipt for the present you bought for yourself is an even. That's a worse offense.

[Melissa]

Well, it just shows you. It kind of shows you the temperature in our home when it comes to Christmas because it is. Because it's us. And we feel like, I guess we can treat ourselves better than anybody can treat us in the family that we're. You know, it's so. And it's ironic that she's the one that brought this up, but she did want to know if she. If I had heard of any alternative Christmas, you know, ideas that families do when there are no kids in the house. All right.

[Co-host 2]

404741. Q100. So what do you do when. I mean, to me, it would just be the same as it would be with kids in the house, except ours is different.

[Jan]

I have an idea. My family started doing this. Now my cousin has two little girls, so of course, everybody gets them gifts. And usually we go over to their house now that her girls, you know, because Santa comes to their house and that kind of thing. So they do their Christmas thing in the morning. We do ours at home, and then the big extended family does the big dinner and everything together. And we started doing this years ago, and we're actually changing it up this year. So there may be two ideas for you where we went out and got, like, the tackiest garage sale gifts that you could ever find. Okay? Like, the most horrendous, ugly. You name it. I mean, from lamps to paper towel holders to. There was this one thing that was this. Footsteps.

[Co-host 1]

You're speaking to the sister of the girl who bought her own Christmas present

[Jan]

two years in a row.

[Melissa]

That would jump back, screw Melanie, because nobody's gonna reimburse her for that gift. Exactly.

[Jan]

But that was our rule, is that it had to be found at a garage sale. And then we do the. Who white elephant thing, where you choose numbers and then, like, all the. And you wrap it up like it's a normal gift, like, all pretty paper and everything, and the, you know, ribbons and the, you know, tags or whatever. And then we would all draw numbers and, you know, you'd go through. And then it became this really hilarious Christmas thing because it was like, oh, my Lord, what are we gonna unwrap next? That's just, like, tacky and horrible and hilarious. So it was. It was about the family getting together and having fun and laughing at what each other found, you know, like, crocheted oven mitts and, I mean, just the most random stuff.

[Co-host 1]

You can do the same thing with DVDs or sex toys.

[Jan]

Jeff says, disgusting. You're talking about my grandmother.

[Melissa]

And again, guys are creepy.

[Jan]

Exactly. So anyway, so that was it for a long time.

[Co-host 2]

We can't judge all Guys on Jeff.

[Jan]

And we.

[Melissa]

Yeah, we can.

[Jan]

Yeah. And so we had a ton of fun doing that. And then that idea's kind of started. Well, over the years, like, there would be different garage sale gifts that would keep showing up year after year. And then whoever hosted it, whether it was my family or my cousin's family at their house, you know, or my aunt's house or my grandmother's house, we would stash the gifts. So whoever hosted would find all these garage sale gifts, like, throughout the year or whatever. So it just kind of became funny. And then now this year, we're changing it up a little bit because we've done the garage sale thing for probably the last, like, I don't know, seven years or so. We're doing only as seen on tv. Oh, that's a great idea. So you have to purchase something that is as seen on tv. I know that's. That's gonna make the competition for who gets to barter for it and steal and that kind of thing a little bit better. But they all have to be as seen on tv.

[Co-host 2]

People can't. Our Birch show community can't wrap them their minds around not doing anything children related with Christmas, because the suggestions are coming in that are like, you know, take somebody else's kids to shelters and help, you know, like, philanthropy type things, which I don't think is what you're looking for now.

[Jan]

I mean, we've.

[Melissa]

And we've done the angel tree, and we've done stuff like that. But, yeah, I mean, a kidless Christmas. And the one thing that we would do if my mother was younger would be take a vacation. But unfortunately, Millie Pete doesn't travel as well, so it is one of the. It's a situation in which a trip is not an option. But, yeah, it is hard to wrap your mind around a Christmas without children. But that. That is what I'm looking for, and that's why we're lost.

[Co-host 1]

Why don't you just set up a table in the house and put, like, dolls around it and give them all names and then refer to them throughout like, oh, Kimmy, would you like some more eggnog?

[Co-host 2]

That's creepier than anything sexual you've said today.

[Melissa]

It's an American girl Christmas.

[Co-host 2]

Hey, Tammy. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Good morning.

[Co-host 1]

Hi.

[Caller]

I think Melissa needs to do a white elephant Christmas.

[Co-host 2]

That one's pretty standard.

[Melissa]

Like Jan was saying.

[Caller]

Yeah, everybody just brings a gift, and then you pick numbers.

[Melissa]

I think that's a great idea, and I love bringing this home to my sister now that she's already purchased her

[Jan]

own gift, because that's what you get for dinner, she can return her own gift. That's right.

[Co-host 2]

Has anybody ever called her out on that and said, look, next year, this is not acceptable.

[Melissa]

You cannot. I hate my sister. But yes, it doesn't do any good. It doesn't work.

[Jan]

It's really over the top.

[Co-host 2]

It slaps Christmas in the face of everything that Christmas is not supposed to be.

[Jan]

You can't tell.

[Co-host 2]

Good morning, Jamie. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Hey, how you doing?

[Co-host 2]

All right.

[Caller]

Okay, listen, my family, we do re gifting. We just take items that are in our houses and just draw numbers and see who gets the best items.

[Jan]

That's pretty funny.

[Co-host 2]

I like that it's re gifting with items that you guys did not give each other before. These are from other people, right?

[Caller]

These are from other people in our houses. Yes.

[Co-host 2]

Okay, that's kind of cool.

[Melissa]

You should just do one of these ideas every year. Just change up the idea of where

[Jan]

going to get the gifts from.

[Melissa]

Yes. It's a different gift every year.

[Co-host 1]

What if, like, the gift next year is all stuff that you shoplifted so you have to actually steal it?

[Melissa]

Merry Christmas. Jeff and the cops showed up. The Carter family Christmas this year.

[Jan]

Millie Pete would be like, oh, I got a salt and pepper from Ponderosa.

[Co-host 1]

Just coney get it. The Birch show.

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