Vault: How Do You Tell Your Friend You're Against Who They're Dating?

Summary

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Episode Overview

Theme/Purpose:
In this episode of The Bert Show (“Vault: How Do You Tell Your Friend You're Against Who They're Dating?”), the hosts dive into the tricky dynamics of friendships and romantic choices. Specifically, they explore the awkwardness, judgments, and unspoken rules that arise when you disapprove of a friend’s (or family member’s) partner. The dialogue is lively, candid, and peppered with relatable anecdotes, addressing the guilt and humor in silently judging those around us for their relationship decisions.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Passing Judgment on Friends’ Partners

• Opening Reflection:
  Host C confesses to judging a friend based on their choice of partner:

  “I'm not the only one who will pass judgment on a person based on who they decide to date, am I?” (00:44, C)

• The "Bougie" Boyfriend:
  The friend’s new boyfriend is described as “bougie” — not just bland, but ostentatiously plain (“bad beige” or “builder beige”). This sparks a humorous riff among the hosts about judging both the partner and the friend for their choices.

  “He's beige, but he's bad beige.” (01:51, C)

• Acceptable Timeframe for Judgment:
  The hosts debate how long a friend needs to be with someone before you have to accept them regardless of your approval—six months is suggested as a turning point.

  “I usually will give it six months... then I have to start... accepting it or... not judging as harshly.” (02:44, D)

Social Status and the “Cool Ladder”

• Does Dating Down Make You “Drop a Rung”?
  The group jokingly debates whether a friend’s social standing or “coolness” should take a hit if they date someone less cool or appealing.

  “Like if she's on the cool ladder, can she pop down a couple of rungs even if she's only…” (04:13, C)
  “She's on the cool ladder and then she missed a step and she down a couple and kind of caught herself.” (04:25, D)

• Pressure of Friend Introduction:
  Discuss the anxiety of introducing new partners to friends, given the potential for judgment and unmet expectations.

  "That's why friends are always nervous... you want their approval because of the judgment that people pass." (03:36, D)

When to Speak Up (Or Not) About a Bad Match

• Listener Call-ins:

  • Melinda’s Story (05:24):
    Melinda calls in to share her experience of losing a friendship because she couldn't stand her friend’s boyfriend, who was lazy and disrespectful.

    "I ended a friendship with a girl because I couldn't stand her boyfriend." (05:28, F)

    She describes how the cycle of her friend complaining but never leaving made it impossible to maintain the friendship.

  • Kevin’s Dilemma (07:05):
    Kevin shares that he’s in a similar situation with his brother’s girlfriend, and it’s been ongoing for a year.

• Speaking Up vs. Staying Silent:
  The hosts note that unless a friend directly asks for your opinion or is uncertain about the relationship, it’s best to keep negative feedback to yourself.

  “But if she's, like, head over heels, you can't say anything.” (06:49, E)

  “But if she comes to you saying, hey, I'm not really sure about this... you could give your real opinion.” (07:00, E)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Judgment:

  “Everybody does that.” (02:19, D)

• On “Slump Busting”:

  “Maybe she's slump busting.” (02:41, E)

• On Friendship Boundaries:

  “I just couldn't continue listening to her complain about her boyfriend that she was never gonna leave.” (06:00, F)

• On the Limits of Advice:

  “You never can [say something], can you?” (06:35, C)
  “If she is head over heels, you can't say anything.” (06:54, E)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:44: Host C confesses to judging a friend’s boyfriend, setting the episode’s topic.
• 01:51: Description of “bad beige” and the group’s comic riff on blandness.
• 02:44: Six-month “acceptance rule” for a friend’s new partner.
• 03:36: Nerves around introducing partners to friends.
• 05:28: Melinda’s story about ending a friendship over a boyfriend.
• 06:35: Debate on whether and when it’s okay to speak up to a friend about their partner.
• 07:05: Kevin’s call about his brother’s problematic partner.

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Conclusion

The episode is a humorous, relatable exploration of the etiquette and emotion tangled up in friendship and romantic choices. The Bert Show cast and their callers candidly share both the guilt and solidarity of silently judging friends’ partners, while also addressing the awkwardness of confronting the issue head-on. The conversation is open-ended, with several cast members expressing interest in expanding on the topic in future episodes. Listeners are left with the comforting reminder that everyone does it—while perhaps pondering exactly where “the cool ladder” sits in their own relationships.

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Transcript

[A]

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[C]

The Birch show we have to talk about something. This might expand into a bit, be a bigger discussion tomorrow or later in the week or something, but I'm not the only one who will pass judgment on a person based on who they decide to date, am I?

[D]

No.

[C]

And the reason I found out yesterday about somebody who's dating someone else and the girl in the relationship was, in my mind, always very hip, very cool, very stylish, like, you know, cool chick. And the guy that I found out she's dating is kind of a bouche.

[E]

Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Like, how bad?

[C]

Like, he's pretty. He's on a. Like, what's the bouchie? Scale is like 1 to 100. He's probably mid-80s.

[D]

Really?

[C]

Yeah. You know, he's just kind of a. He's kind of a tool.

[D]

So it's almost the same as if you know a guy who. Well, his friends, like, his good friends probably think more of him because he's dating her.

[C]

Yep.

[D]

But because she.

[C]

Because I know her better and I know she's all cool and hip and stylish and he's blah. Like, I just kind of like.

[E]

I'm like, whoa, he's beige.

[C]

Yes. Like, not. No, he's beige, but he's bad beige.

[E]

He's builder beige.

[D]

He's booshy beige.

[C]

Yes. And I didn't want to believe it because of.

[E]

Well, maybe she sees something in him that you don't. Or maybe she sees something in him, like when they're by themselves together that he, you know, like, maybe he comes out of his shell more when he's just like, one on one with her.

[C]

But still, it's okay, though, to pass that judgment, right? Yeah.

[D]

Oh, everybody does that.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

Yeah. Because if you're really. Yeah. If you are shocked by who they're dating, if this just doesn't make sense to you then. Yeah, I could see how you'd be like, look at them differently.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

And how long do you. How long do they have to be together? Because here's the deal. They've only been together, you know, X number of weeks or months or however. I don't know how long they've been. I haven't done enough research into the gossip yet to find out maybe.

[E]

Maybe she's slump busting.

[C]

It could be, maybe.

[D]

But I usually will give it six months beyond the six month mark. Then I have to start kind of either accepting it or kind of make, you know, not judging as harshly. But up until six months, you know, any day they could break up.

[E]

That's optimistic.

[D]

Any day I could have my friend back.

[E]

Doomed.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And is it something.

[D]

But everybody does. If you don't approve of who they're dating of, then you want it's true them to stay together.

[E]

And especially when you get the. Like I have a friend that was dating this person that I got this full description beforehand. Like, oh, she's this and she's that and she's, you know, I mean, just over the top stories about how awesome this girl was and whatever. So my friend introduces me to her and I'm like completely underwhelmed. And I don't know if it was the oversell at the beginning or if I would have felt like that anyway. But yeah, you're kind of like, oh, really?

[D]

And that's why friends are always nervous or you're nervous rather to introduce, you know, somebody that you're starting to date to friends because you want their approval because of the judgment that people pass.

[E]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

So do I. Am I'm awful.

[E]

The fact we're terrible creatures.

[C]

Now hold on.

[D]

That is awful.

[C]

The fact that she even dated him.

[D]

Go ahead.

[C]

Once. Like the fact that they even. The fact that they're even known as a couple no matter how brief the

[D]

time she French kissed.

[C]

Yes. Is it okay. Is it okay for me to ding her?

[D]

He was telling us. We all know who he's talking about.

[C]

Like, is it okay for that to be a notch against her? Is that okay for her to come down from the hip and. From the hip and cool. Like if she's on the cool ladder, can she pop down a couple of rungs even if she's only.

[D]

She's on the cool ladder and then she missed a step and she down a couple and kind of caught herself.

[E]

Conversation's freaking me out.

[C]

Why?

[E]

I don't know.

[C]

I'm not talking about you.

[E]

No, I know you're not.

[C]

I mean, I'm not talking about you right now, but someday I'm sure I will be. Just so you know. But. So, like, is there, like, if it ends tomorrow, then does she not fall down on any wrongs?

[D]

Well, I think that.

[C]

How long?

[D]

Like I said, the six month mark. If they're your friend, if they're really your friend, then after. For me, after six months, then I've got to start just accepting the other person to the fold, the bush, into the fold, and just kind of try

[C]

to see if you have to embrace

[D]

your boosh, and you have to try to embrace my bouche. And, you know, then you start having, like, Jen was saying that, you know, if she sees something in him and she's truly falling in love with him, then you've got to kind of try to see what she sees in him and just be supportive, but you don't

[E]

have to hang out with him because that's torturous.

[C]

Hey, is this. Is this Linda?

[F]

Melinda?

[C]

Yes, Melinda. How are you?

[F]

I'm good. How are you guys doing?

[C]

Good.

[D]

What's up?

[F]

When you guys started talking about this, I had to say something. I ended a friendship with a girl because I couldn't stand her boyfriend.

[D]

Really?

[F]

Yes.

[E]

He was bougie.

[F]

He was terrible. He wouldn't work. He wouldn't help her with the bills. He was working two jobs. He was sitting around all day doing nothing. And then she was coming to me saying, I don't have any money. He's doing this, he's doing that. And then I can't say to her, well, you know, he's a jerk. You should leave him. Because then the next day, they're in love again.

[C]

So what ended up happening with you and your friend? I just could.

[F]

I was just like, you know, this friendship, I just kind of slowly cut her out. Stopped calling her. Didn't really want to hang out as much, just because it just wasn't. I just couldn't continue listening. I couldn't continue listening to her complain about her boyfriend that she was never gonna leave.

[E]

So she didn't even just drop down the ladder. She didn't have a ladder anymore.

[C]

She pushed her right off. And she's like those people in the gutter commercials, like, they're reaching for a gutter. Bam. Next thing you know, they're on their back. All right, thanks for the call, Melinda. This is gonna require more evaluation.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

And I'm also. This is a good conversation. Yeah.

[D]

And I'm also wondering at what point do you say something to her?

[C]

Oh, you never can. You never can, can you? No.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Can you? If she is asking questions about it, like, if she comes to you and says, I'm not really sure about this, but whatever, save your friend from the

[C]

boosh, it's all the problem.

[E]

But if she's, like, head over heels, you can't say anything. She is. Is she head over heels?

[C]

If she is.

[E]

Is she head over heels?

[C]

If she. If she is. That way you can't talk crap about it.

[E]

No, you definitely can't.

[D]

No.

[E]

But if she comes to you saying, hey, I'm not really sure about this, what do you think about it? You could give your real opinion.

[C]

Hey, Kevin, what's up? Hey.

[G]

Yeah, I've been doing the same thing that you are. I've been doing it for a year.

[D]

Oh, yeah. You're past the point.

[G]

And it's my brother.

[D]

Oh, well, you gotta support your brother. And it's past the point.

[E]

In no return, you're gonna have a booshin log.

[C]

No, I can't.

[F]

I can't stand it.

[G]

And it's so hard when she talks not to punch her in the head.

[C]

Well, I'm sure you can work through it. The Burt Show.