Vault: How Was Your Date Ruined Before It Started?

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Bert Show – “Vault: How Was Your Date Ruined Before It Started?”

Host: The Bert Show Cast (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and more)
Original Air Date: December 23, 2025
Episode Theme: Hilariously disastrous first dates – and how they went wrong before they even began

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Overview

In this lighthearted, relatable, and laugh-filled episode, The Bert Show crew invites listeners to share stories about dates that tanked before they even officially began. Inspired by a “Desperate Housewives” plotline involving a date that never quite made it out of the parking lot, listeners call in with their own stories of how things went south in record time. The tone is frank, genuine, and peppered with the hosts’ classic commentary and camaraderie.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Pop Culture Inspiration: Desperate Housewives (01:05–04:14)

• The segment begins with a detailed retelling of a “Desperate Housewives” episode, focusing on Teri Hatcher’s character (Susan) as her would-be date with a police officer unravels before it properly begins.
• Key issue: Susan discovers the officer lied to her, leading to a heated exchange before they even leave for their dinner.
• Notable Quote:
  • Nicole (role-playing): “I thought this went to the lab.” (03:41)
  • Officer (role-played): “Look, Susan, no one would authorize lab time or a computer search for a case like this.” (03:43)
  • Ryan Reynolds (summarizing): “So they broke off the date before the actual date happened... So what I want to know from women is, has that ever happened to you?” (04:14)

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2. Date Disasters: Listener Call-Ins

2.1 Nicole’s Broken Nails Catastrophe (05:07–06:53)

• Story Summary:
  Nicole recounts how her date with a coworker ended almost immediately when, in an attempt to hear her better, he rolled up the car window—crushing Nicole’s acrylic nails and causing her intense pain.
• Reactions:
  The hosts are incredulous; Nicole explains her frustration and pain, as well as her decision to call off the date on the spot.
• Notable Quotes & Moments:
  • Nicole: “He proceeds to roll my window up. Mind you, my arm is kind of sitting in the window a little bit, right? He rolls it all the way up, and it breaks my nails.” (05:47)
  • Ryan Reynolds: “No, he didn’t.” (05:50)
  • Nicole: “If this fool don’t get away from me. Okay, yeah.” (06:50)

2.2 Beth’s Stand for Chivalry (06:54–07:28)

• Story Summary:
  Beth’s date starts poorly when her companion doesn’t open the car door. Instead, he rolls down the window and asks her if she will get in, prompting Beth to turn around and go back inside.
• Notable Quotes:
  • Beth: “He stood there and actually rolled down the passenger’s window... He goes, ‘You gonna get in?’ I said, ‘I don’t think so.’ Walked back in the house.” (07:01)
  • Caller 1: “Good for you.” (07:24)

2.3 Trish’s “Joint Effort” (07:28–08:06)

• Story Summary:
  Trish describes a date with a coworker who, shockingly, lights up a joint in the car on the way to the restaurant. A non-drug user, Trish immediately ends the outing.
• Notable Quotes:
  • Trish: “He decided, between my house and the restaurant, to light up a joint...” (07:36)
  • Trish: “Passed in front of my neighborhood. I said, ‘You know what? Let’s stop and see my friend.’ Stops in her driveway, and I’m like, OK, that’s it. Date over. I cannot do this.” (07:52)

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3. Hosts’ Commentary and Reflections

• The hosts riff on the recurring theme—how hard it is to just keep it together for a single evening.
• Notable Quotes:
  • Caller 1: “Guys are idiots.” (08:08)
  • Ryan Reynolds: “It’s stupid that we can’t get through just three hours. We can’t put the face on for three hours to get through a date, you know?” (08:10)
  • Caller 2: “If that’s what those guys are going to do on the first date, can you imagine being with them for years, Right?” (08:18)

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Memorable Moments by Timestamp

• Desperate Housewives Setup: 01:05–02:14
• Role-played argument between Susan and the officer: 03:41–04:14
• Nicole’s Broken Nails Incident: 05:07–06:53
• Beth’s Chivalry Litmus Test: 06:54–07:28
• Trish’s “Joint” Fiasco: 07:28–08:06
• Host Reactions and Reflections: 08:08–08:22

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Overall Tone & Takeaways

The Bert Show keeps the conversation honest, playful, and infused with real-life humor. Listeners are made to feel not just entertained, but reassured—they’re not alone in the parade of dating disasters. The episode is a cathartic, communal laugh at the awkward, cringeworthy, and outright baffling behaviors that can kill a date before the bread is even served.

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In Their Own Words

• Nicole: “If this fool don’t get away from me. Okay, yeah.” (06:50)
• Beth: “He goes, ‘You gonna get in?’ I said, ‘I don’t think so.’” (07:01)
• Trish: “He decided, between my house and the restaurant, to light up a joint...” (07:36)
• Ryan Reynolds: “It’s stupid that we can’t get through just three hours. We can’t put the face on for three hours to get through a date, you know?” (08:10)

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For those who haven’t heard this episode:
Expect candid, side-splitting stories and razor-sharp commentary on how the smallest red flag or an act of thoughtlessness can end a date before it even starts. The episode captures the spirit and banter that The Bert Show fans love, with listener contributions driving the laughs and the lessons.

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Transcript

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[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Nicole]

So that means a half day.

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Yeah.

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[Nicole]

Taxes and fees extra. See Mintmobile dot.

[Caller 1 / Male Caller]

The Burt show if.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You haven't watched Desperate Housewives, really what it's about is four women that are all kind of in different parts of their lives living in suburb America and each character represents another woman in America. One woman has like three different kids and she's a housewife, just takes care of everything going on around the house while her dad's at work. There's another woman that's a divorcee. Teri Hatcher is single now and has got like a what, 12 year old daughter? Uh huh.

[Workday Go Announcer]

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[Ryan Reynolds]

Who are the others? The show surrounds about trophy wife.

[Caller 1 / Male Caller]

The trophy wife who is. Who married the rich guy. She used to be a model and she's the one having a relationship with a 17 year old high school senior.

[Caller 2 / Female Caller]

The lawn boy.

[Ryan Reynolds]

The lawn boy.

[Caller 1 / Male Caller]

Then you got the older busybody woman who is always in everybody's business. You've got the.

[Caller 2 / Female Caller]

Whose marriage is. Oh okay, you're talking about the older woman. I was thinking then you have the other woman whose marriage is coming apart.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Right, that's the one. Yeah. She's really the fourth main character but she's trying to like just let the public know there's nothing wrong in my relationship. Everything's great, everything's fine.

[Caller 2 / Female Caller]

And then there's the, the other divorcee down the street that's competing with Teri Hatcher for the plumber.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Dude, she's just the desperate skanky woman that's trying to get all the guys in the neighborhood attracted to her. Well, last night I kind of focused in on Teri Hatcher's character Susan, she's. She's house sitting for somebody else. And while she's house sitting, there's a break in at the house. But nothing is stolen in the house at all. But a screwdriver is left in the house that somebody obviously used to break in with. So she takes the screwdriver and calls the police. When the police come, she gives the screwdriver for evidence, even though nothing was stolen from the house. Well, the cop knows that since nothing was stolen out of the house, this is never going to go anywhere, even though it was a break in. So he's really not going to need the screwdriver. But he's so attracted to Terry Hatcher that he takes it and he puts it in his cop car. And then he asks her out because he doesn't want to make her look feel ridiculous for saying, you know, here's some evidence on a case that is never gonna go anywhere past right here. So he puts it in his trunk and he asks her out. And they end up going out on a date. Well, he takes her on his rounds, and 20 minutes before he's supposed to be off for the night, so their official date begins. He goes to the back of his trunk, and he wants to slip out of his cop uniform and get into some civilian clothes so they can officially go out on their date. Well, she goes to the back of the trunk with him while he's getting dressed and undressed. And there's the screwdriver. And she's really offended because she thought that she was really helping out with this case, and he lied to her right off the bat. Am I making that perfectly clear sound right? So far? So while she's in the back by the trunk and he's getting dressed or undressed, she says this.

[Nicole]

I thought this went to the lab.

[Caller 1 / Male Caller]

Look, Susan, no one would authorize lab time or a computer search for a case like this.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's just not a priority.

[Nicole]

So why couldn't you just tell me that?

[Caller 1 / Male Caller]

Well, I thought we were clicking. Does this need to be a big deal?

[Nicole]

Well, if you'd only lied to me about it once, it wouldn't be.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Come on, don't be such a girl about this.

[Caller 1 / Male Caller]

Done with you.

[Nicole]

All of you.

[Caller 1 / Male Caller]

Oh, come on, drama queen.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Where are you going?

[Caller 1 / Male Caller]

It's not safe.

[Nicole]

I'd rather take my chances on the street, thank you very much.

[Ryan Reynolds]

So here's the question I want to ask you guys. Cause they broke off the date before the actual date happened. So they were on the car, in the car, on the way to the Date, Right. And he did something so offensive that the date was over before it even started. So what I want to know from women is, has that ever happened to you? He picks you up, everything seems to be going fine on the car ride to wherever it is you're going, the restaurant, the concert, whatever. But he says something so offensive or does something so stupid even before you get to the date that it's over. That ever happened to you guys?

[Caller 2 / Female Caller]

No. I just remember my sister telling me when I was of dating age, because she's older than me, to always drive yourself to the first date. So she obviously had something like this happen because she said, you never want to be stranded if it doesn't go well. And so, you know, on first dates, I always drove myself, so.

[Ryan Reynolds]

So how did the first date end, actually, before it officially begun? Good morning, Nicole.

[Nicole]

Good morning again.

[Caller 1 / Male Caller]

Hey, Tyler.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Nicole again.

[Workday Go Announcer]

Hey.

[Nicole]

What's going on? I have to tell you about this date. This guy, me and him were dating at work. Or not. We were at work, and he had a crush on me. I paid him absolutely no mind. But then, like, he was real cool one day, left a little flower on my desk and stuff. I was like, okay, I'll go ahead and give him a chance. Before we even got on the date, y', all, we were in the car. He had the music up a little loud, but it was warm out, so we had the windows down. So he tells me that he can't hear me very well. So instead of him rolling his window up, he proceeds to roll my window up. Mind you, my arm is kind of sitting in the window a little bit, right? He begins to roll the window up. He rolls it all the way up, and it breaks my nails.

[Ryan Reynolds]

No, he didn't.

[Nicole]

He broke my nails. But mind you, I had, like, acrylic nails at the time. So when they broke, my nails were bl.

[Workday Go Announcer]

Wow.

[Nicole]

I mean, I was in so much pain. I was like, ah. Screaming. He's like, what's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? Mind you, he didn't roll up his window. He gonna roll up my window, but he gonna have me hot on that.

[Caller 2 / Female Caller]

Side of the car right now. Is there any possibility of him maybe turning down the stereo?

[Nicole]

Yeah, that's why I said, okay, you didn't turn down the radio.

[Caller 2 / Female Caller]

Yeah. Instead of rolling up the window.

[Nicole]

Right. Instead of rolling up the window or roll up your own window, why you gonna roll up my. I was like, okay, we need to turn this car around right now.

[Caller 2 / Female Caller]

Right now.

[Nicole]

I think he turned the car around before I could even say anything.

[Ryan Reynolds]

So you never officially got, like, to the restaurant or the club or whatever?

[Nicole]

No, I don't even think we was 15 minutes away from my house. I don't even think we was 15 minutes away. And he was so nervous, and it was so cute. But then he broke my nail. I said, if this fool don't get away from me. Okay, yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

See you later, Nicole.

[Nicole]

All right.

[Caller 1 / Male Caller]

Bye.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Bye. Good morning, Beth. You're on the Burke show. Hello.

[Nicole]

Hi. The guy comes to pick me up. We go out to the car. I'm standing on the side of the car. He gets in the car, starts a car. I'm still standing outside the car because I'm old school. You open the door for me. And he stood there and actually rolled down the passenger's window, and he didn't have the electric, so he had to reach over, roll down the passenger window. He goes, you gonna get in? I said, I don't think so. Walked back in the house. By the time he was knocking on my door, I was already in my sweatpants.

[Caller 1 / Male Caller]

Good for you.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Good for you. Hey, Trish, you're on all the hits. Q100. Hi.

[Nicole]

Hi. Me and the guy that I used to work with decided we were gonna go out, and he decided, between my house and the restaurant, to light up a joint. You are kidding. No. And, oh, my God, I have never done drugs in my life. I just looked at him like he was stupid. And we were passing in front of my neighborhood. I said, you know what? Let's stop and see. My friend stops in her driveway, and I'm like, okay, that's it. Date over. I cannot do this.

[Ryan Reynolds]

First day. He's lighting up. Very good.

[Nicole]

Oh, my go.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Thank you, Trish. Bye.

[Nicole]

Bye.

[Caller 2 / Female Caller]

Oh, my God.

[Caller 1 / Male Caller]

Guys are idiots.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Stupid that we can't get through just three hours. We can't put the face on for three hours to get through a date, you know?

[Workday Go Announcer]

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[Caller 2 / Female Caller]

If that's what those guys are going to do on the first date, can you imagine being with them for years, Right?

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