Podcast Summary: The Bert Show – “Vault: How Was Your Date Ruined Before It Started?”

Host: The Bert Show Cast (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and more)
Original Air Date: December 23, 2025
Episode Theme: Hilariously disastrous first dates – and how they went wrong before they even began

Overview

In this lighthearted, relatable, and laugh-filled episode, The Bert Show crew invites listeners to share stories about dates that tanked before they even officially began. Inspired by a “Desperate Housewives” plotline involving a date that never quite made it out of the parking lot, listeners call in with their own stories of how things went south in record time. The tone is frank, genuine, and peppered with the hosts’ classic commentary and camaraderie.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Pop Culture Inspiration: Desperate Housewives (01:05–04:14)

• The segment begins with a detailed retelling of a “Desperate Housewives” episode, focusing on Teri Hatcher’s character (Susan) as her would-be date with a police officer unravels before it properly begins.
• Key issue: Susan discovers the officer lied to her, leading to a heated exchange before they even leave for their dinner.
• Notable Quote:
  • Nicole (role-playing): “I thought this went to the lab.” (03:41)
  • Officer (role-played): “Look, Susan, no one would authorize lab time or a computer search for a case like this.” (03:43)
  • Ryan Reynolds (summarizing): “So they broke off the date before the actual date happened... So what I want to know from women is, has that ever happened to you?” (04:14)

2. Date Disasters: Listener Call-Ins

2.1 Nicole’s Broken Nails Catastrophe (05:07–06:53)

• Story Summary:
  Nicole recounts how her date with a coworker ended almost immediately when, in an attempt to hear her better, he rolled up the car window—crushing Nicole’s acrylic nails and causing her intense pain.
• Reactions:
  The hosts are incredulous; Nicole explains her frustration and pain, as well as her decision to call off the date on the spot.
• Notable Quotes & Moments:
  • Nicole: “He proceeds to roll my window up. Mind you, my arm is kind of sitting in the window a little bit, right? He rolls it all the way up, and it breaks my nails.” (05:47)
  • Ryan Reynolds: “No, he didn’t.” (05:50)
  • Nicole: “If this fool don’t get away from me. Okay, yeah.” (06:50)

2.2 Beth’s Stand for Chivalry (06:54–07:28)

• Story Summary:
  Beth’s date starts poorly when her companion doesn’t open the car door. Instead, he rolls down the window and asks her if she will get in, prompting Beth to turn around and go back inside.
• Notable Quotes:
  • Beth: “He stood there and actually rolled down the passenger’s window... He goes, ‘You gonna get in?’ I said, ‘I don’t think so.’ Walked back in the house.” (07:01)
  • Caller 1: “Good for you.” (07:24)

2.3 Trish’s “Joint Effort” (07:28–08:06)

• Story Summary:
  Trish describes a date with a coworker who, shockingly, lights up a joint in the car on the way to the restaurant. A non-drug user, Trish immediately ends the outing.
• Notable Quotes:
  • Trish: “He decided, between my house and the restaurant, to light up a joint...” (07:36)
  • Trish: “Passed in front of my neighborhood. I said, ‘You know what? Let’s stop and see my friend.’ Stops in her driveway, and I’m like, OK, that’s it. Date over. I cannot do this.” (07:52)

3. Hosts’ Commentary and Reflections

• The hosts riff on the recurring theme—how hard it is to just keep it together for a single evening.
• Notable Quotes:
  • Caller 1: “Guys are idiots.” (08:08)
  • Ryan Reynolds: “It’s stupid that we can’t get through just three hours. We can’t put the face on for three hours to get through a date, you know?” (08:10)
  • Caller 2: “If that’s what those guys are going to do on the first date, can you imagine being with them for years, Right?” (08:18)

Memorable Moments by Timestamp

• Desperate Housewives Setup: 01:05–02:14
• Role-played argument between Susan and the officer: 03:41–04:14
• Nicole’s Broken Nails Incident: 05:07–06:53
• Beth’s Chivalry Litmus Test: 06:54–07:28
• Trish’s “Joint” Fiasco: 07:28–08:06
• Host Reactions and Reflections: 08:08–08:22

Overall Tone & Takeaways

The Bert Show keeps the conversation honest, playful, and infused with real-life humor. Listeners are made to feel not just entertained, but reassured—they’re not alone in the parade of dating disasters. The episode is a cathartic, communal laugh at the awkward, cringeworthy, and outright baffling behaviors that can kill a date before the bread is even served.

In Their Own Words

• Nicole: “If this fool don’t get away from me. Okay, yeah.” (06:50)
• Beth: “He goes, ‘You gonna get in?’ I said, ‘I don’t think so.’” (07:01)
• Trish: “He decided, between my house and the restaurant, to light up a joint...” (07:36)
• Ryan Reynolds: “It’s stupid that we can’t get through just three hours. We can’t put the face on for three hours to get through a date, you know?” (08:10)

For those who haven’t heard this episode:
Expect candid, side-splitting stories and razor-sharp commentary on how the smallest red flag or an act of thoughtlessness can end a date before it even starts. The episode captures the spirit and banter that The Bert Show fans love, with listener contributions driving the laughs and the lessons.