Vault: I broke up with alcohol because...

Summary

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The Bert Show — Vault: I broke up with alcohol because...

Episode Date: July 29, 2026

Episode Overview

In this lively and irreverent episode, The Bert Show team and their listeners share personal, often hilariously harrowing stories about "breaking up" with specific types of alcohol. Through a mix of candid discussions, outrageous confessions, and quick-witted banter, the hosts explore the memorable moments that led people to swear off certain drinks forever.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Kicking Off: Why Do We "Break Up" with Alcohol?

• The host introduces the premise, inviting listeners to finish the sentence: "I broke up with ___ because…"
• The main idea: Most drinkers have "that one" alcohol they can never touch again, usually due to a traumatic, embarrassing, or simply unforgettable experience.

"I am breaking up with tequila, period. That is the—It's evil for me…if you've done any amount of drinking for any amount of time, that everybody has one alcohol that is just no good for them."
— Host (00:43)

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2. Call-In Stories: Listeners Share Their Break-Up Tales

Tequila & Rum:

• Tequila: The host's story involves vomiting in the shower, a classic "never again" scenario.
• Rum:
  • Caller 1 recounts a high school trip to Puerto Rico, ending with a disastrous experience with Bacardi 151.
  • Caller 2: Broke up with Captain Morgan after blacking out and waking up by a bathroom toilet, not remembering how they got there.
  • Caller 3: Fought with someone named Katie Jo in the car and didn't remember it—decided even a little rum wasn’t worth it anymore.

"I broke up with Cap Morgan because I don't remember anything of the night. Cause I went to bed on one side of the room and woke up in the bathroom right by the toilet."
— Caller 2 (02:24)

"So I just realized even a little bit doesn't agree with mama over here."
— Caller 3 (02:55)

Other Spirits:

• Jim Beam:

  • Caller 4 played a brutal drinking game in high school, ending up outside a club for three hours.

• Vodka:

  • A story about someone urinating in their bedroom believing it was the bathroom showcased just how humiliating over-drinking can get.

• Jagermeister:

  • Caller 5: Ultimately quit drinking after too many blackouts—waking up not knowing where, or with whom.

"I broke up with Jagermeister about six years ago…because I used to wake up next to mysterious women, not know how they got there, how I got there, who they were..."
— Caller 5 (04:00)

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3. Extreme Reactions & Physical Consequences

Allergic and Medical Mayhem:

• Smirnoff Ice:

  • Caller 6: Quit after breaking out in hives—could only drink vodka without sulfites afterward.

• Absinthe:

  • Caller 6: Got so sick a friend had to administer a suppository to stop the vomiting.

"I broke up with Absinthe…because I got so drunk, the next day I got so sick, my friend had to give me a suppository to stick up my butt so I could stop puking."
— Caller 6 (06:20)

• The team riffs on the oddity of the “medical” intervention, sparking a round of jokes about “butt stuff.”

• Former intern Shawn nearly drowned at a lake house under the influence of absinthe (or as the cast keeps mispronouncing, "abstinence").

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4. The Most Embarrassing Moments

• 151 Rum:
  • Christopher (Caller 5): Shares the story of soiling his bed ("made twosies") after a night with 151 rum.

"I broke up with 151 because I made twosies in my bed."
— Christopher (07:38)

• The hosts crack up, riffing on the bed-pooping story, contrasting it with the earlier "suppository" incident.

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5. Law Enforcement Run-ins

• Long Island Iced Tea:
  • Raquel (Caller 6): Blacked out, got kicked out of a bar, and ended up spitting on a cop after insisting "they didn't know who I was."

"I broke up with Long Island Iced Tea because I blacked out, got kicked out of a bar…The cop told me to please calm down and stop bitching at him, and I proceeded to spit on him."
— Raquel (08:41)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "If Stacy's best friend Carrie was calling, she would say, 'I broke up with vodka because I peed in the middle of my bedroom thinking I was in the bathroom.'"
  — Host (03:35)

• "That would really be a smart thing...to have that, you just didn't like the taste of [alcohol]."
  — Caller 4 on Kim Kardashian (05:39)

• "Just so you know, that probably was just an imaginary suppository, and they just wanted to put something in your butt..."
  — Caller 1 jokingly, after the absinthe story (06:36)

• "The first caller breaks up with a drink because somebody shoves something in her butt. And the second guy breaks up with a drink cause things are falling out of his butt."
  — Caller 1, summarizing the wildest stories (08:08)

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Comedic Chemistry & Listener Engagement

• The episode is marked by the hosts' signature banter, fast-paced comedic interjections, and genuine reactions to increasingly outrageous stories.
• The "breaking up with alcohol" concept proves a hit with listeners, spurring stories ranging from light embarrassment to medical emergencies and law enforcement run-ins.

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment/Story | |------------|------------------------------------------------| | 00:43 | Host’s tequila breakup story & call for listener participation | | 01:26–02:55| Rum horror stories from multiple callers | | 03:02 | Jim Beam drinking game disaster | | 03:35 | Vodka/“peeing in the bedroom” anecdote | | 04:00 | Jagermeister and blackout experiences | | 05:02 | Smirnoff Ice allergy | | 06:20 | Absinthe/suppository story | | 07:38 | 151 rum/soiling the bed | | 08:41 | Long Island Iced Tea & spitting on a cop |

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Conclusion

With its candid, comedic tone and relatable confessions, this episode spotlights the moments that turned listeners and hosts alike off their "one worst" drink for good. From blackouts and allergic reactions to humiliating accidents, each story adds to a portrait of drinking culture that's both cautionary and full of laughs. If you’ve ever wondered what it takes to finally swear off a spirit, this episode has all the irreverent answers.

Transcript

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[Host]

Prohibited by law 21 terms and conditions apply. It's the vert show. So I made the declaration the other day that I'm breaking up with Patron. Sit. It's over. Done.

[Caller 1]

Because you decided there's another tequila you like better than.

[Caller 2]

It's better.

[Caller 1]

I totally get it.

[Host]

I am breaking up with tequila, period. That is the. It's evil for me. Like, I think if you've done any amount of drinking for any amount of time that everybody has one alcohol, that is just no good for them. And that's what I want to focus on. I want you guys to call 404-741-Q100 and I want you to finish this sentence. I broke up with blank because. Blank because there's usually one night where you're like, okay, I am never doing that again. Like, for me, if I was calling right now, this call would have been placed like four years ago. But it would have been, I broke up with tequila because I threw up on myself in the shower. Oh, Lord. And that was the reason that was. You know, it usually just takes that first time for you to go, I can't handle it anymore.

[Caller 1]

I had two breakups. One was in high school because our class trip, senior trip was to Puerto Rico, where Bacardi is. And I wasn't a big drinker of liquor. You know, that's high school. That's sneaking a couple beers into the basement.

[Caller 3]

That's not you in advance.

[Caller 1]

That's not liquor. Bottles of rum and stuff.

[Host]

You were way ahead of your time.

[Caller 3]

Yeah, I was a wine cooler in high school.

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Caller 2]

Rum punch.

[Caller 1]

Bartles and James, they didn't make it. I didn't touch it. But that was like. There was probably. I mean, all through college. Like, that may have been even until like, I started traveling to the Caribbean.

[Host]

There has to be one instance, though, that makes it was that. So I.

[Caller 1]

Two nights before the last night.

[Host]

So you broke up with rum because

[Caller 1]

we got a bottle of that 151

[Host]

stuff and threw up on yourself.

[Caller 1]

I don't really remember. But I do remember you're not being

[Host]

a very good caller right now. I have to restrain this.

[Caller 1]

Okay, well, I have a better.

[Caller 3]

Yeah, I got a run one.

[Caller 2]

I got a run one. I broke up with Cap Morgan because I don't remember anything of the night. Cause I went to bed on one side of the room and woke up in the bathroom right by the toilet. Okay, I didn't throw up. I didn't throw up, but I just don't remember.

[Host]

That's a good caller right there.

[Caller 3]

I broke up with rum. I don't even remember what kind of rum I was drinking. But I broke up with rum altogether because I had a vicious fight with Katie Jo in the car and don't remember it at all.

[Host]

Oh, really? You totally blacked out through a fight.

[Caller 3]

So that was recently blacked out from rum.

[Tyler Redick]

Wow.

[Host]

And you smiled out.

[Caller 3]

And I'm not a big drinker anymore. And so. So one night I was. And so it didn't take a lot of rhyme. So I just realized even a little bit doesn't agree with mama over here.

[Caller 4]

I broke up with Jim Beam because in high school, I played a nasty round of quarters with it, chased it with beam and coke, but playing the game, it was shots of Beam. And we broke up because I ended up on the grass outside of the club we were sneaking into. All the rest of my friends snuck in and had a good old time. And I was on the grass outside of the car for probably three hours straight. Oh, never again, my friend.

[Host]

If Stacy's best friend Carrie was calling and she would say, I broke up with vodka because I peed in the middle of my bedroom thinking I was in the bathroom.

[Caller 1]

Oh, that's bad.

[Caller 2]

That's a good reason. That would be a good reason.

[Caller 3]

Pretty solid.

[Host]

Hey, Tony, good morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller 5]

Good morning, bro Show. Long time listener, first time call. I love you guys. Make my morning the best, the greatest.

[Host]

Appreciate it. You've got, like, that deep. I've been drinking a long time, boys.

[Caller 5]

I quit drinking about six years ago now, but my. I broke up with Jagermeister about six years ago for multiple reasons, but mostly because I used to wake up next to mysterious women, not know how they got there, how I got there, who they were, what, anything.

[Host]

And you broke up with it because of that reason.

[Caller 1]

And so

[Host]

to me, that's the reason to keep drinking.

[Caller 5]

I'll face down and had no idea how I got there at all.

[Host]

So, yeah, those blackouts will scare you in.

[Caller 5]

Yeah.

[Caller 4]

I wonder if he ever had to look at somebody's wallet to figure out their name.

[Caller 3]

Jen, you wanna.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Caller 3]

Why do you bring that up?

[Host]

I knew one girl that had to look at the dude's mail as she was leaving his apartment.

[Caller 2]

That's hilarious.

[Host]

So she can recall his name.

[Caller 4]

Awful. Awful.

[Host]

All right, Stephanie, this is very simple. I broke up with blank because. Blank.

[Caller 6]

I broke up with Smirnoff ice because it's Smirnoff Ice. Allergic reaction and broke out in hives.

[Host]

Oh, really?

[Caller 6]

It's funny because now I drink vodka, like, hard liquor. I don't do chasers or anything, but I can't do the stuff that has sulfites in it.

[Host]

So I have thought to myself, like, on days that I'm really hungover, whoa, how much of a blessing it would be to be allergic to alcohol. Like, just for the doctor. Like for Stacy to pay my doctor $250 to tell me that I'm allergic to alcohol so I can never drink it again.

[Caller 4]

I was watching that stupid show on E. What is it? Kourtney and Khloe take Miami or whatever it is, and they were talking about Kim Kardashian, how she doesn't drink because she doesn't like the taste of alcohol.

[Caller 1]

What?

[Caller 3]

Wow.

[Caller 4]

That would really be a smart thing. That would be a good thing to have that you just didn't like the taste of it.

[Host]

Well, I just really enjoy the taste of alcohol.

[Caller 1]

Alcohol's not a good tast.

[Caller 4]

Well, it doesn't prevent you from drinking it. For her. For Kim, it prevents her from drinking it.

[Host]

I'm more strong willed than she is.

[Caller 1]

Imagine how terrible the world would be if all alcohol tasted like Welch's grape soda. Like people would drink it by the gallon. People right now avoid it.

[Caller 3]

I think if Welch's Grape soda, I think a church.

[Caller 1]

Why?

[Caller 3]

Because that's what they serve in church.

[Caller 4]

I grew up in Nashville, honey.

[Caller 2]

Of course I got the real stuff.

[Host]

Here is Mandy. Good morning, Mandy. You broke up with what? Because what?

[Caller 6]

I broke up with Abstinence. It's a very strong 180 proof liquor. Because I got so drunk, the next day I got so sick, my friend had to give me a suppository to stick up my butt so I could stop puking.

[Host]

That's.

[Caller 5]

That.

[Caller 2]

That'll do it.

[Host]

That'll do it.

[Caller 3]

And that's a good friend.

[Caller 1]

Just so you know, that probably was just an imaginary suppository and they just wanted to put something in your Butt. Oh, my God. I can't stop throwing up. Okay, well, you're gonna hate this, but I'm gonna have to put this quarter in your an. Trust me.

[Caller 5]

Bend over.

[Caller 2]

You stop throwing up.

[Caller 1]

You're the noxima or something.

[Caller 4]

Gross.

[Host]

If I was our former intern, Shawn, I gave up on absinthe because I almost drowned at Jeff's pee at your

[Caller 1]

lake house because Bird had to save my life.

[Caller 3]

You are all saying. It sounds like you're saying abstinence.

[Caller 2]

It's absinthe.

[Caller 1]

It's absinthe.

[Host]

I broke up with absinthe because I can't say it properly.

[Caller 1]

I broke up with absinthe when I got my veneers. Cause I could no longer ask for it.

[Host]

It's very frustrating.

[Caller 2]

You can't make fun of me. What did I do?

[Caller 1]

Really ruin your buzz. You guys are idiots.

[Host]

Hey, Chris. Good morning.

[Caller 5]

My name is Christopher. I'm an alcoholic.

[Host]

Okay?

[Caller 5]

I broke up with 151 because I made twosies in my bed.

[Caller 1]

Oh, that way.

[Caller 2]

Do it.

[Caller 4]

Yes, sir.

[Caller 2]

You pooped in your bed?

[Host]

In his bed.

[Caller 1]

Now he made a toosie.

[Caller 2]

Oh, my God. How does that even.

[Caller 5]

Look at.

[Host]

There she goes.

[Caller 2]

And she's. How does that even happen?

[Host]

Well, you drink so much, you just lose control of everything. Or you just think, look at her.

[Caller 1]

So we get.

[Caller 2]

She's gone.

[Host]

There she goes.

[Caller 1]

The first caller breaks up with. Breaks up with a drink because somebody shoves something in her butt. And the second guy breaks up with a drink cause things are falling out of his butt.

[Caller 2]

I don't get that. How do you do that?

[Host]

Here comes.

[Caller 1]

Oh, come on. Wait, look. You've never pooped your bed.

[Caller 2]

I've never pooped my bed.

[Caller 3]

Wendy laughing so hard till she cries.

[Caller 2]

Tickle tickles. It doesn't really take much because my eyes are weird.

[Host]

Hey, Raquel. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller 5]

Hold on.

[Caller 1]

We'll put something up your butt. It'll fix that.

[Host]

Hey, Raquel.

[Caller 3]

Hey.

[Host]

Yes, hi. Yes, you.

[Caller 6]

I broke up with Long Island Iced Tea because I blacked out, got kicked out of a bar. I insisted that they didn't know who I was. The cop told me to please calm down and stop bitching at him, and I proceeded to spit on him.

[Host]

Spit on a cop?

[Caller 6]

Yes.

[Caller 1]

That'll get you tased.

[Host]

Yeah, that's a deal breaker.

[Caller 1]

And then you'll make a toosie. I broke up with Long Island Iced Teas when I turned 23.

[Host]

I think when I was 17. When are you gonna be able to do the show?

[Caller 2]

Yes.

[Host]

Pooping in bed. That's good stuff for when.

[Caller 2]

I just don't get how that happens. That's just gross.

[Host]

Here, Bird, show.