The Bert Show: Vault: Idiot's Guide To Turning 21

Date: January 19, 2026
Host: Pionaire Podcasting Featuring Bert, Jen, and the Bert Show Cast

Overview

This episode is a lively, listener-driven conversation where The Bert Show team, along with callers, crowdsources an “Idiot’s Guide to Turning 21.” Mixing humor with genuine advice, the group offers tips, cautionary tales, and wisdom—ranging from drink strategies to wardrobe choices—for anyone approaching the all-important 21st birthday milestone.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

What Is an "Idiot’s Guide" Segment?

• Bert and the team explain these are “the basic things that you need to know, whatever category there is...when you’re turning 21, these are the musts” (00:35).
• Previous guides included topics like tailgating in the South and first dates.

Essential Rules for Turning 21

1. Eat Before You Drink

• Jen: “Eat dinner. Like, you need to make sure you…” (01:28)
• Bert: “Make sure there’s a base of food before you go out.” (01:33)
• Pro tip: Carb-heavy meals like pasta are preferred.

2. Stick to Simple Drinks

• Bert: “Stay away from sugary drinks… The more sugar you drink, the more hungover you’re going to be the next day.” (02:05)

3. First Legal Liquor Store Experience

• Make a point to buy alcohol and insist they check your ID, just for the novelty. (02:23)

4. Don’t Mix “Colors” (Types of Alcohol)

• Caller Karen: “Don’t mix colors. And she broke that rule and was hugging the toilet all night.” (03:17)

5. Responsible Transportation

• Caller Brian: “You gotta have a designated driver. 21 cannot end their life that early.” (04:10)
• Bert: Notes stats show even “designated drinkers” may not be fully sober. Use professional services if possible. (04:23)
• “It’s worth the effort to go get the car the next day. Don’t let that talk you out of it.” (05:10)

6. Hydrate

• Caller Tracy: “A glass of water for every drink or shot that you have, you’ll be good to go the next day.” (06:03)
• The hosts debate whether 21-year-olds really follow this—even if it’s good advice. (06:24–06:44)

7. Don’t Start Too Early

• Jen: “Don’t start too early.” (06:57)
• Parties that begin in the afternoon generally end before the real fun starts. (07:00)

8. Take the Next Day Off

• Caller: “If you can schedule to have the next day off work, do that.” (07:14)

9. Shots: Make It Social

• If someone buys you a shot, make sure they take one too—“Take down the whole ship with you.” (07:36–07:52)
• Appoint a “watchdog” friend to keep an eye on your intake. (07:52)

10. Iconic Bar Rites of Passage

• Go to a club or bar that really cards; “there was typically this bar that was just 21 and up… it was called Bullwinkle’s.” (08:07)
• Atlanta favorites: Moondogs (08:41)

11. Hooking Up: To Try or Not

• Caller: “Don’t try to hook up with anyone on your 21st…” (08:51)
• Bert: “I disagree. I think you gotta try… That is a night where you just make stories.” (08:59–09:09)

12. Fun Signature Test

• “Carry a piece of paper with you, and after every drink or shot, you sign your name…see how your signature gets worse and worse.” (09:24)

13. Dress for the Occasion

• Jen: “For the girls: turning 21, don’t wear a skirt… you don’t want to be flashing the world when you fall over.” (09:43)

14. Expect the Unexpected

• Caller Richard: “Go in tonight expecting it to be the worst night of your life, not the best.” (10:11)
• Bert: “Go into life with a really low bar, and you’ll never be disappointed.” (10:27)

15. Hangover Myths and Remedies

• “Vodka… the higher quality the vodka, the less hangover you have. But if you’re 21, you can’t afford the higher quality.” (14:29, 14:57)
• Pedialyte and bread are widely recommended hangover cures, but debated as to whether anyone young actually uses them. (12:53–13:09)

16. Classic Drinking Rhymes and Myths

• “Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.” (13:20)
• Only the vodka/hangover correlation is “proven”—the rest are myths. (14:25–14:43)

17. Women-only Tips

• “Wear a panty liner…there’s always going to be a lineup at the bathroom.” (15:10)
• “Put a trash bag in your purse or somewhere in the car, maybe for the ride home.” (18:01)

18. Avoid Prank Shots

• “Do not take a shot called the cement mixer… it curdles.” (15:51–16:14)

19. “Flaming” Shots: Only on Your 21st

• “Doing a shot that you set on fire… the only time that I think that’s okay is on your 21st birthday.” (16:32)
• Bert: “I don’t trust myself even to do that on my 21st birthday.” (16:46)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

“Eat dinner. Like, you need to make sure you—”
— Jen (01:28)

“Stay away from those fruity freaking girly umbrella drinks, ‘cause those things are gonna hurt.”
— Bert (02:09)

“Don’t start the party…too early so that by 7:00 pm you’re sound asleep.”
— Co-host (06:44)

“Go into life with a really low bar, and you’ll never be disappointed.”
— Bert (10:27)

“Wear pants or jeans or something where if you fall over or you’re throwing up on the ground, you’re not in a miniskirt.”
— Jen (09:43)

“Carry a piece of paper with you, and after every drink or shot, you sign your name… see how your signature gets worse.”
— Caller (09:24)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:33–01:10: Explaining the “Idiot’s Guide” format
• 01:28–02:09: Eating beforehand and avoiding sugary drinks
• 03:17–03:33: The dangers of mixing alcohol types (“colors”)
• 04:10–04:23: Designated driver and transportation tips
• 06:03–06:44: Hydration strategies
• 07:14–07:30: Taking the next day off work
• 09:24–09:43: The “signature test” and outfit advice for women
• 10:11–10:27: Manage expectations for the night
• 12:53–13:09: Debating hangover cures (Pedialyte, bread, etc.)
• 14:25–14:43: Hangover myths debunked
• 15:10–15:31: Panty liner and bathroom line advice

The Idiot’s Guide List – Consolidated

1. Eat dinner before going out (carb up).
2. Stay away from sugary drinks.
3. Go to the liquor store and demand an ID check.
4. Don’t mix “colors” (types of alcohol).
5. Arrange safe transportation and a designated driver.
6. Hydrate: a glass of water per drink/shot (if you can).
7. Don’t start partying too early in the day.
8. Take the next day off work if possible.
9. Make others take shots with you.
10. Have a “watchdog” to look out for you.
11. Visit a strict “21 and up” bar if possible.
12. Don't stress about “hooking up” (do what you want).
13. Sign your name after every drink as a fun record.
14. Girls: Don’t wear a skirt, bring a trash bag/panty liner.
15. Expect the night to be the worst, not the best.
16. Know hangover/urban legends, but realize most are myths.
17. Avoid prank shots like the “cement mixer.”
18. Flaming shots: only on your 21st.
19. Stock your home with “reinforcements” (aspirin, water).

Tone and Style

The conversation is irreverent, honest, and often self-deprecating, with an undercurrent of caution and concern for young listeners’ safety. The hosts welcome humorous stories but repeatedly return to the importance of taking care of yourself and your friends: “Someone’s got to go, okay, enough is enough. We got to pour this guy out of here.” (18:42)

For a full list and more advice from both the cast and listeners, visit the show’s website as mentioned on air.