Vault: Incarceration Draft

Summary

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The Bert Show – “Vault: Incarceration Draft”

Episode Date: August 10, 2026
Summary by The Bert Show Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & Team

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Overview

In this lively and humorous episode, The Bert Show revisits their ongoing game: the Celebrity Incarceration Draft. The hosts engage in a lighthearted competition, betting on which celebrity is most likely to be arrested next. With good-natured banter, they discuss recent celebrity run-ins with the law, recap their past picks, and make their latest selections.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Catching Up on the Incarceration Draft

• The team admits they are "dreadfully tardy" in returning to the Celebrity Incarceration Draft, referencing Suge Knight's recent troubles as the spark for this round.
  • [01:01] Bert: “We are dreadfully tardy on doing our last round of the celebrity incarceration drafts. I mean, this goes back to Suge. Suge last week. So busy.”

2. Suge Knight’s Recent Arrest

• Suge Knight’s arrest for assault with a deadly weapon is discussed, with the hosts noting the peculiar situation of the weapon's absence.

  • [01:34] Kristin: “Last week it was a weapons charge. It was assault with a deadly weapon.”
  • [01:39] Cassie: “They could not find the weapon that they said that he had.”
  • [01:48] Bert: “He was arrested. They charges might get dropped. So he can still do it.”

• Jokes abound about Suge Knight’s intimidating presence, with playful speculation on whether arresting him requires less evidence.

  • [02:00] Kristin: “It shook my head.”
  • [02:01] Bert: “You're guilty.”
  • [02:03] Cassie: “Oh, okay. Yeah. Put him in there.”
  • [02:05] Kristin: “Lock him up.”

3. Explaining the Draft Rules & Jackpot

• Each host nominates a celebrity for the “arrest roster”; if their pick is arrested next, they win the jackpot—now nearing $300.
  • [02:05] Bert: “What we try to do is…predict who the next celebrity is that's going to go to jail. And we all pick somebody, and then they go sort of on our roster. And if at any time any of those celebrities get busted next, we all get the money that we put into the jackpot, and we're close to…300 now.”
  • [02:34] Bert: “You're about to bore us to tears.”
  • [02:36] Cassie: “And this is…round 12.”

4. The Celebrity Picks – Round 12

[03:06] The draft order is determined, and the hosts make their predictions:

• Kristin’s Pick: Naomi Campbell

  • Cites her history of altercations and believes no one would be surprised by her arrest.
  • [03:18] Kristin: “I'm just gonna go with someone notorious for just fighting their assistants and throwing cell phones. I'm gonna go with model Naomi Campbell.”
  • [03:35] Bert: “Naomi Campbell, always solid…you would not be shocked.”

• Abby’s Pick: Khloe Kardashian

  • Chooses randomly, referencing the reality show being filmed in Miami as a potential trouble spot.
  • [03:49] Abby: “Not really sure here. So I'm just going to go with a random one. I'm picking Khloe Kardashian.”
  • [03:58] Bert: “Just totally randomly…They're filming that reality show…I’m just going with her.”

• Bert’s Pick: Woody Harrelson

  • Wanted Mickey Rourke, but he’d already chosen him in the past, so switches to Woody Harrelson, joking about his reputation.
  • [04:42] Bert: “Let's go with Woody, because at any…day, you could wake up in the morning and Woody got busted with a dime bag, and he's going to jail.”

• Tommy’s Pick: Martin Sheen

  • Notes Martin Sheen is prone to political protest arrests, such as handcuffing himself to fences.
  • [05:24] Tommy: “I always put this guy on the roster for political arrest. And it's Martin Sheen. Has he been picked?”
  • [05:37] Bert: “He can handcuff himself to a fence any day.”

• Cassie’s Pick: Todd Bridges

  • After scrolling through old picks, lands on Todd Bridges, who has a history with the law.
  • [05:41] Cassie: “I'm going to go with Todd Bridges.”
  • [06:13] Bert: “Todd Bridges has a history...he’s been arrested a whole bunch of times.”
  • [06:17] Kristin: “He's had a drug problem. Good choice.”

5. Recapping Past Draft Choices

• Old picks resurface — Gary Coleman, Tila Tequila, Lindsay Lohan — as the group jokes about the likelihood of their choices landing them the jackpot.

  • [06:19] Cassie: “You know what else I found when I scroll back? Hobby picked Tila Tequila…Hobby's got Lindsay Lohan. Hobby's got an unfair thing.”
  • [06:31] Kristin: “I've got a sixth sense about these things.”
  • [06:33] Bert: “What a g. Total gift.”

• Morbid humor surfaces when a past “draft pick” passes away:

  • [06:35] Cassie: “Just for keeping track, one of mine died. So... one of my incarcerated guys. Listen, it's the Bert Show.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the legitimacy of Suge Knight’s arrest:

  • [01:39] Cassie: “They could not find the weapon that they said that he had.”
  • [02:01] Bert (sarcastic): “You’re guilty.”
  • [02:05] Cassie: “Lock him up.”

• On the expectations (or lack thereof) for Naomi Campbell:

  • [03:35] Bert: “Naomi Campbell, always solid...you would not be shocked.”

• On drafting Woody Harrelson and DJ lookalikes:

  • [04:53] Kristin: “Who's that DJ that's here that looks like him?... If we get him arrested, does it count?”
  • [05:04] Cassie: “I hope you get your Woody, Bird. Really?”
  • [05:07] Kristin (teasing): “You are waiting for the hat one.”

• Friendly one-upmanship on joke quality:

  • [05:56] Kristin: “Way better than your Woody joke. Yeah, and somebody else laughed at my joke instead of you laughing at your own people.”
  • [06:07] Bert: “Woody jokes are always funny.”

• On morbid twists in the game:

  • [06:35] Cassie: “Just for keeping track, one of mine died.”

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:01] – Opening discussion: Suge Knight’s latest arrest
• [03:06] – Draft order and Naomi Campbell nomination
• [03:49] – Picks: Khloe Kardashian and transition to Bert’s choice
• [04:42] – Woody Harrelson nominated
• [05:24] – Martin Sheen highlighted for political protest arrests
• [05:41] – Todd Bridges chosen
• [06:13] – Recap of Todd Bridges’ troubled history
• [06:19] – Revisiting past draft picks, Tila Tequila & Lindsay Lohan
• [06:35] – Reflection on the mortality of draft choices

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Tone & Language

The hosts maintain a witty, irreverent tone throughout — poking fun at celebrities, each other, and themselves. There’s a playful skepticism about the fate of famous people, with ongoing inside jokes and puns.

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For Listeners Who Missed It

This episode is a quintessential Bert Show blend of mock-seriousness, inside jokes, and celebrity gossip. The “Incarceration Draft” remains a humorous way for the cast to riff on the unpredictability of Hollywood’s wild side, and the hosts’ camaraderie shines as they roast each other’s picks and past wins.

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(Advertisements and non-content segments have been omitted for clarity.)

Transcript

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[A]

You're on the Bird show. All right. We are dreadfully tardy on doing our last round of the celebrity incarceration drafts. I mean, this goes back to Suge. Suge last week. So busy.

[C]

Thank you, friends.

[B]

You know, your buddy.

[A]

If he was my buddy, I'd be so cocky when I went out in clubs. Like, what are you gonna do?

[B]

Start picking fights with people? On purpose? Yeah.

[A]

He makes. He makes like, Big Mike look like me. He's huge.

[B]

Yeah, don't make me call Shug.

[C]

I'd wear a shirt. I'm with Shug even if I wasn't.

[A]

So what did he get busted for?

[B]

Last week it was a weapons charge. It was assault with a deadly weapon.

[C]

Now they haven't. I don't know, at least as a date. As recently as a day or two ago, they could not find the weapon that they said that he had.

[B]

But he was still arrested, right?

[C]

He was arrested. They charges might get dropped. So he can still do it. But I think if you're that cop. Yeah, I brought him in for assault with a deadly weapon. Really? What weapon? Well, I haven't located that yet, but it shook.

[B]

It shook my head.

[A]

You're guilty.

[C]

Oh, okay. Yeah. Put him in there.

[B]

Lock him up.

[A]

So every time another celebrity gets arrested, what we try to do is we try to predict who the next celebrity is that's going to go to Jail. And we all pick somebody, and then they go sort of on our roster. And if at any time any of those celebrities get busted next, we all get the money that we put into the jackpot, and we're close to. Close to 300 now.

[C]

Well, I. Why do you do them?

[B]

You lost count.

[A]

It's like somewhere between two.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Mathematician.

[C]

It's 25 around because there's five of us and it's five bucks each. Right, Right.

[A]

You're about to bore us to tears.

[C]

And this is. This is round.

[B]

You asked.

[C]

It's $300. Right. Okay. It's round 12.

[B]

That's 25 times 12. I'll get out my iPhone calculator. Wow, it was good. Windy. I don't know what's worthy, but.

[A]

Oh, just say around 300 bucks and just 300. There we go.

[B]

Even our listeners don't care.

[A]

All right, so determine the order of how we're gonna go this time. Wendy, pick a number. One through ten.

[B]

Seven.

[A]

Okay, I'm gonna go first. Wendy, why don't you go first and we'll just go right over.

[B]

So this is just not my morning so far. All right, go ahead, babe. I'm just gonna go with someone notorious for just fighting their assistance and throwing cell phones. I'm gonna go with model Naomi Campbell.

[A]

Naomi Campbell, always solid. These picks right here. Like, if you woke up in the morning and you found out that Naomi Campbell got busted for some kind of battery, you would not be shocked.

[B]

It's a good pick.

[A]

Very good pick. Jab.

[B]

Not really sure here. So I'm just going to go with a random one. I'm picking Khloe Kardashian.

[C]

Really?

[A]

For no reason. Really? Just randomly?

[B]

Just totally randomly. Well, they're filming that reality show her and her sister Courtney down in Miami right now. So you just never know. I'm just going with her.

[A]

Okay, I've got two to pick from, but I'm going to go with Mickey Rourke.

[C]

Has he already been picked?

[B]

I think he's already been picked, and

[C]

I think you're the one.

[A]

I'll go with the second one.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

Well, let's check. Has he been picked?

[C]

Standby.

[A]

Standing.

[C]

Bert, you picked Mickey Rourke when Randy Quaid and his wife were arrested.

[A]

Okay, yeah. How about a little credit for consistency? Have I picked Woody Harrelson?

[C]

Not Woody Harrelson does not appear to be on the roster.

[A]

Then let's go with Woody, because at any get any day, you could wake up in the morning and Woody got busted with a dime bag, and he's Going to jail.

[B]

Okay, who's that DJ that's here? That looks like him. Did you see that?

[A]

There is.

[B]

There's a DJ here. Woody Harson. Sorry. If he gets arrested. If y'. All. If. If we get him arrested, does it count?

[A]

Any look alikes? Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I hope you get your Woody Bird. Really?

[B]

You are waiting for the hat one.

[A]

Just because you laugh at your own joke doesn't make it funny.

[B]

There goes Frankie. Frank is going, oh, my God, it's only Tuesday.

[C]

I thought that's where you're going. You said you can wake up in the morning with. And I'm like, that's correct.

[B]

Okay, well, because, you know, we were frustrated because Suge Knight was somebody we always put on the roster. I always put this guy on the roster for political arrest. And it's Martin Shane. Has he been picked?

[C]

No, but you have picked him in the past.

[B]

He's a good one.

[A]

He can handcuff himself to a fence any day.

[B]

Any day.

[A]

Right.

[C]

And my pick is because when I was scrolling back to find what round Mickey Rourke was picked in, I stumbled across Gary Coleman. I'm not sure who picked him. It may have been me, but I'm gonna go with Todd Bridges.

[A]

Todd Bridges?

[C]

Yes, sir.

[B]

What you talk about, Jill? Thank you. I thought it was funny. Way better than your Woody joke. Yeah, and somebody else laughed at my

[A]

joke instead of you laughing at your own people.

[C]

Woody jokes are always funny.

[A]

All right, so Todd Bridges has a history of. I mean, he's been arrested a whole bunch of times.

[B]

He's been in jail. Yeah. He's had a drug problem. Good choice.

[C]

Okay, you know what else I found when I scroll back? Hobby picked Tila Tequila. Yeah, and she's going to that rehab show.

[B]

I know.

[C]

Okay, so she hobby's got Lindsay Lohan. Hobby's got an unfair thing.

[B]

I've got a sixth sense about these things.

[A]

What a g. Total gift.

[C]

And just for keeping track, one of mine died. So. I'm Simon, one of my incarcerated guys. Listen, it's the Bird show.

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