The Bert Show – “Vault: Instant Dealbreaker – Listeners Confess What Ends It”

Date: March 5, 2026

Overview

In this episode, The Bert Show crew—Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and cast—delved into the theme of "instant dealbreakers" in relationships. What makes someone go from dreamy to undateable in a split second? Listeners call in sharing the moment they realized it wouldn't work, often with outrageous and hilarious stories. The group sets a candid, comedic, and sometimes jaw-dropping tone, aiming to reveal (and poke fun at) some of the weirdest and most unexpected boundaries people have.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Scene: Adult Content Ahead

• [00:30-00:53]
  Bert warns listeners that the upcoming calls might be inappropriate for young ears, setting the expectation for more risqué and genuine stories coming from the audience.

2. The Story That Sparked It All: Thumb Sucking & Blankie at 36

• [01:12-03:12]
  • Kristin (or a guest) tells a friend's story: dating a 36-year-old, accomplished and successful man who, after five months, confesses he sucks his thumb and sleeps with a childhood "woobie" (blankie).
  • The woman is shocked. Despite his outward success, this revelation ends things for her.
  • Bert and cast joke about Atlanta dating, wondering if this makes him undateable or just unique.

3. Listener Call #1: The Nose Tongue Move

• [03:51-06:39]
  • Stephanie shares her dealbreaker: after three months dating a sweet, smart guy, their first intimate moment turns weird when he slips his tongue up her nose.
  • Cast reactions:
    • D: “Generally speaking, any sexual maneuver that starts with a warning or a nose is not going to be good.”
    • B: “That makes me wanna rub my nose right now.”
  • Stephanie ends things immediately: "That was it. I was done. I was out of there."
  • Humor follows about men sharing bad moves and jokingly calling this the "netti tongue."

4. Listener Call #2: The Little Engine That Could

• [06:39-09:27]
  • Pam describes a coworker/date whose bedroom routine involves chanting, "I think I can, I think I can," then "choo choo choo" at climax.
  • Cast erupts in disbelief:
    • D: “Did you start chanting, ‘I know I can't. I know I can't.’?”
    • A: “I know you won’t, I know you won’t.”
  • Pam clarifies: he insists it’s the only way it works for him and she never sees him that way again.
  • Group jokes he’d be called “the Conductor” among friends.
  • Memorable quote:
    • D: “He was the little engine that could.” ([08:02])

5. Listener Call #3: Post-Wedding Surprise / Medical Disclosure

• [09:27-11:21]
  • April shares a story from her mother's friend. After a year of dating (no intimacy, per religious values), on their honeymoon, the woman discovers her new husband cannot have sex due to an accident resulting in a partial amputation. He only reveals this after the wedding.
  • Cast reactions oscillate between sympathy, sadness, and disbelief at his lack of disclosure.
    • A: “I still think you need full disclosure before you get married about something like that.” ([11:15])
    • D: “Just for the record, any accident involving your penis is a bad accident.” ([11:08])

6. Listener Call #4: The Most Shocking—The Wiper

• [11:21-13:59]
  • Tisha's Story, introduced as the most shocking call:
    • After two months, she and her boyfriend reach intimacy. He reveals he has a desire to “assist” her in the restroom, wanting to “wipe” her "like a child." She bolts immediately.
    • Tisha is still strongly affected: "I don’t think I dated anybody for probably a year and a half."
    • The cast jokes about possible nicknames and the horror of that scenario:
      • D: “Mr. Clean.” ([12:44])
      • A: “He just wanted to wipe you.” ([13:46])
    • Bert comments: "That scarred you pretty well." ([13:13])
    • Tisha confirms, “I just thought, you know what? I’m done. I gotta give myself a break.” ([13:15])

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Generally speaking, any sexual maneuver that starts with a warning or a nose is not going to be good.” – D ([04:51])
• "That was it. I was done. I was out of there." – Stephanie ([05:05])
• “He was the little engine that could.” – D ([08:02])
• "That's gonna be a tough thing to overcome at the office because he's gonna come and hand you a folder or something and say, 'Hey, do you think you can call these people' and you're gonna say, 'I think I can...'" – D ([09:00])
• “Just for the record, any accident involving your penis is a bad accident.” – D ([11:08])
• "You have to be so careful." – C ([13:39])
• “That scarred you pretty well.” – A ([13:13])

Episode Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:30 – Bert’s warning about adult topics
• 01:12 – Thumb-sucking/blankie story (the original dealbreaker tale)
• 03:51 – Stephanie’s “nose tongue” story
• 06:39 – Pam’s “Little Engine That Could” encounter
• 09:27 – April’s post-marriage medical surprise
• 11:21 – Tisha’s bathroom “wiper” dealbreaker

Tone & Takeaways

The show keeps things lively, funny, and open—even with some truly strange and cringe-worthy stories of instant dealbreakers. The hosts are quick-witted, affectionate with each other, and nonjudgmental but never miss the opportunity for good-natured ribbing. The episode ultimately highlights the importance of honesty, boundaries, and the sometimes bizarre surprises that come with dating.

Useful For:
Anyone curious about relationship red flags, looking for cathartic laughs, or seeking comfort in being a little less awkward than these callers.