Vault: Instant Dealbreaker - Listeners Confess What Ends It

Summary

The Bert Show – “Vault: Instant Dealbreaker – Listeners Confess What Ends It”

Date: March 5, 2026

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Overview

In this episode, The Bert Show crew—Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and cast—delved into the theme of "instant dealbreakers" in relationships. What makes someone go from dreamy to undateable in a split second? Listeners call in sharing the moment they realized it wouldn't work, often with outrageous and hilarious stories. The group sets a candid, comedic, and sometimes jaw-dropping tone, aiming to reveal (and poke fun at) some of the weirdest and most unexpected boundaries people have.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Scene: Adult Content Ahead

• [00:30-00:53]
  Bert warns listeners that the upcoming calls might be inappropriate for young ears, setting the expectation for more risqué and genuine stories coming from the audience.

2. The Story That Sparked It All: Thumb Sucking & Blankie at 36

• [01:12-03:12]
  • Kristin (or a guest) tells a friend's story: dating a 36-year-old, accomplished and successful man who, after five months, confesses he sucks his thumb and sleeps with a childhood "woobie" (blankie).
  • The woman is shocked. Despite his outward success, this revelation ends things for her.
  • Bert and cast joke about Atlanta dating, wondering if this makes him undateable or just unique.

3. Listener Call #1: The Nose Tongue Move

• [03:51-06:39]
  • Stephanie shares her dealbreaker: after three months dating a sweet, smart guy, their first intimate moment turns weird when he slips his tongue up her nose.
  • Cast reactions:
    • D: “Generally speaking, any sexual maneuver that starts with a warning or a nose is not going to be good.”
    • B: “That makes me wanna rub my nose right now.”
  • Stephanie ends things immediately: "That was it. I was done. I was out of there."
  • Humor follows about men sharing bad moves and jokingly calling this the "netti tongue."

4. Listener Call #2: The Little Engine That Could

• [06:39-09:27]
  • Pam describes a coworker/date whose bedroom routine involves chanting, "I think I can, I think I can," then "choo choo choo" at climax.
  • Cast erupts in disbelief:
    • D: “Did you start chanting, ‘I know I can't. I know I can't.’?”
    • A: “I know you won’t, I know you won’t.”
  • Pam clarifies: he insists it’s the only way it works for him and she never sees him that way again.
  • Group jokes he’d be called “the Conductor” among friends.
  • Memorable quote:
    • D: “He was the little engine that could.” ([08:02])

5. Listener Call #3: Post-Wedding Surprise / Medical Disclosure

• [09:27-11:21]
  • April shares a story from her mother's friend. After a year of dating (no intimacy, per religious values), on their honeymoon, the woman discovers her new husband cannot have sex due to an accident resulting in a partial amputation. He only reveals this after the wedding.
  • Cast reactions oscillate between sympathy, sadness, and disbelief at his lack of disclosure.
    • A: “I still think you need full disclosure before you get married about something like that.” ([11:15])
    • D: “Just for the record, any accident involving your penis is a bad accident.” ([11:08])

6. Listener Call #4: The Most Shocking—The Wiper

• [11:21-13:59]
  • Tisha's Story, introduced as the most shocking call:
    • After two months, she and her boyfriend reach intimacy. He reveals he has a desire to “assist” her in the restroom, wanting to “wipe” her "like a child." She bolts immediately.
    • Tisha is still strongly affected: "I don’t think I dated anybody for probably a year and a half."
    • The cast jokes about possible nicknames and the horror of that scenario:
      • D: “Mr. Clean.” ([12:44])
      • A: “He just wanted to wipe you.” ([13:46])
    • Bert comments: "That scarred you pretty well." ([13:13])
    • Tisha confirms, “I just thought, you know what? I’m done. I gotta give myself a break.” ([13:15])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Generally speaking, any sexual maneuver that starts with a warning or a nose is not going to be good.” – D ([04:51])
• "That was it. I was done. I was out of there." – Stephanie ([05:05])
• “He was the little engine that could.” – D ([08:02])
• "That's gonna be a tough thing to overcome at the office because he's gonna come and hand you a folder or something and say, 'Hey, do you think you can call these people' and you're gonna say, 'I think I can...'" – D ([09:00])
• “Just for the record, any accident involving your penis is a bad accident.” – D ([11:08])
• "You have to be so careful." – C ([13:39])
• “That scarred you pretty well.” – A ([13:13])

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Episode Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:30 – Bert’s warning about adult topics
• 01:12 – Thumb-sucking/blankie story (the original dealbreaker tale)
• 03:51 – Stephanie’s “nose tongue” story
• 06:39 – Pam’s “Little Engine That Could” encounter
• 09:27 – April’s post-marriage medical surprise
• 11:21 – Tisha’s bathroom “wiper” dealbreaker

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Tone & Takeaways

The show keeps things lively, funny, and open—even with some truly strange and cringe-worthy stories of instant dealbreakers. The hosts are quick-witted, affectionate with each other, and nonjudgmental but never miss the opportunity for good-natured ribbing. The episode ultimately highlights the importance of honesty, boundaries, and the sometimes bizarre surprises that come with dating.

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Useful For:
Anyone curious about relationship red flags, looking for cathartic laughs, or seeking comfort in being a little less awkward than these callers.

Transcript

[A]

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[A]

The Bert Show. All right, so I have a six year old and I know if I was cruising around in my car right now with my 6 year old and I was listening to the Burt show, I would know that some of the phone calls we're about to take, I would not want him to hear.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And this is generally the part of the Burt show where we just assume kids aren't listening.

[B]

Yeah, we try to reserve the more adult material until after.

[A]

Now, I wouldn't say are, but I wouldn't say PG13. It's somewhere between PG13 and something more than that.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Plus so Jen told us a story earlier this that had all of us, our jaws dropped. Yes, dropped.

[B]

Told them about girlfriend I was talking to.

[A]

I say it one more time to emphasize dropped. It's three times. I was just emphasizing how shocking it was.

[B]

Melissa couldn't stop saying, wow. I know. I was grinning like, this is funny. So a friend of mine told me the story that she had been dating this guy about five months, thought he was amazing. They were really smitten with each other. Very successful guy, traveled a lot for sales, so was on the road a lot, but did very well. I mean, made presentations in front of hundreds of people. I mean, this is a very successful businessman, you know, owned his own beautiful home, drove a luxury vehicle. I mean, really had it together, right? And they enjoyed hanging out with each other. Very athletic, did lots of outdoorsy things together. Everything was going great until one night they had dinner at his house and she was gonna stay over and spend the night. It's about five months in and you know, mind you, this man is 36 years old and she's already told her family she just adores him. He's great. This is awesome guy. Finally she's found this Prince Charming. Until he says, I really want you to know me, you know, inside and out. I really want to be able to be honest with you. That's never A good. And so I really need to tell you something. Nothing good ever comes out of somebody

[C]

saying, you know what?

[B]

I need to be honest with you.

[A]

Right. Because she was probably bracing for I'm married, I have to tell you, I'm married or something. So she was already like, what could it be?

[B]

You know, she was like, what? What is it? What could it be? It's fine, you know, just, you know, tell me, whatever. When he says, I suck my thumb and I sleep with a blankie. 36 year old man, 36 years old, his wooby.

[A]

And

[B]

she was absolutely speechless. She had no idea what to say. And then he still did it again.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

And then he showed her the one.

[D]

Her jaws dropped again.

[B]

Showed her his woobie, showed her the blankie. And he had some name for it, which I'm not gonna say. Cause it might reveal who it is. And. Oh yeah, but this is a guy who lives right here.

[C]

And.

[B]

And he was a deal breaker. Lucky ladies.

[A]

Lucky, lucky ladies of Atlanta. And you say there are no good men in Atlanta. Come on.

[B]

He's right there waiting.

[A]

So the question we asked earlier, and we took a whole bunch of calls on this, but we had to put four on hold until 8:30 was what was the deal breaker? I mean, everything was going great. And then you finally got to that point in the relationship where you were just comfortable enough revealing exactly who you are. And when he or she did that, you. You put the brakes on and said, oh, no, I can't live with that. So I'm gonna save Tisha for our last call. I'll take three before that. But Tisha's is just gonna. It's gonna make you stare at your radios and go, good God, she can't. This can't be true. It can't be. Because it may be the most shocking call we've ever taken. But I will start with Stephanie. Good morning, Stephanie.

[C]

Good morning.

[A]

All right. The deal breaker in your relationship. First of all, how long were you guys going out for?

[C]

Okay. We were probably going out about three months before this happened.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Okay. Well, you know, we really had never done anything. I was probably about 19. He was the sweetest guy. He was so cute. He was smart, he had a great job. So we go out on this really nice date and we go back over to his apartment and we're, you know, starting to kiss and stuff like that. And I'm thinking, okay, you know, this might be it. And he's sitting there, he starts giggling and I'm like, okay, is there a problem? What's going on. And he said, you know, I got this little thing I like to do. And immediately it scared me. I have to be honest. I was like, oh, my gosh, what is he gonna do to me? All of a sudden, he slips his tongue up my nose. What? It was.

[D]

Generally speaking, any sexual maneu that starts with a warning or a nose is not going to be good. Is not gonna be good for one person. I've got.

[B]

That makes me wanna rub my nose right now.

[C]

That was it. I was done. I was out of there.

[A]

Now, here's the funny part about this that women don't know is that guys will share their moves as though it's worked on so many different women before that they'll share it with other guys. So this guy is telling a whole bunch of other dudes, look, I gotta tell you guys what really works when you stick your tongue up a woman's nose.

[C]

She's.

[D]

No way. No way, dude.

[C]

No, he's not.

[A]

You're wrong.

[D]

Let me ask you a question. If you're hanging out at the gym, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

And you say, you know, whatever, to whoever's working out next to you, right? You know, whatever, talk, talk, talk. And then all of a sudden, one of the guys goes, hey, I gotta move for you. Next time you're with your woman and says that, you laugh in his face.

[A]

Dude, I've been with the same woman for 14 years. I might just go give.

[C]

That's something you would want to tell someone.

[D]

He doesn't tell anyone.

[B]

What if you have a cold or your nose is running? That is just disgusting.

[D]

He knows it's weird because he warned her.

[B]

What if there's stuff up there? I mean, you're licking all that stuff.

[C]

I have a real pretty nose. Evidently.

[A]

Did you let him try it at least once or did you just go, get away from me.

[C]

Oh, no, I was out of there. I was gone. That was.

[A]

That was that.

[C]

I got up, we were done. I said goodnight.

[D]

Is that one of those neti pot things or whatever?

[C]

A nettie tongue.

[A]

A nettie tongue.

[B]

That would be his alter ego.

[C]

Women love it. They love it. All right.

[A]

That's the least strange of the ones we're gonna take. Oh, God. Okay, now we just have to be. Pam, we gotta be really careful here because we. We just gotta be really careful with the act that you're gonna describe. Just give us sort of the tamed

[B]

down version, generic as you can be.

[A]

Okay, Pam.

[D]

Oh, we just made a totally good warning with Pam. I can't hear.

[C]

Oh, I'M here.

[A]

There you go. You're just not talking very loud.

[C]

Sorry. So there was this guy, I worked with him. We got to know each other, had lunch. We finally had a proper date. Everything went great. So this is maybe if you count the time that we spent talking at work and hanging out a few months in. So the first time that I was going to spend the entire evening at his place, mine didn't come with a warning. But during the later portion of the night, in process, he started going, I think I can. I think I can. And it proceeded to get faster and faster and faster. And for his wrap up, he had to go choo, choo, choo. No, no.

[A]

Use the little engine.

[D]

He was the little engine that could.

[A]

No, he didn't like.

[B]

Was he being for real?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

I could just see your eyes. I could just see sort of your eyes getting as wide as they could while he was doing that.

[C]

I take your head out of it.

[D]

Did you start chanting, I know I can't. I know I can't. I know I can't.

[A]

I know you won't. I know you won't. I know you won't.

[B]

So no way.

[A]

Did you sleep with him one time and that was it?

[C]

Oh, that was it. Because afterwards I asked him if he always did that, and he said that that was the only way he could make things work.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

And I worked with him after that.

[A]

Oh, no. That's right. Did you tell anybody else in the office that story?

[B]

Of course you did.

[C]

Anybody in the office the story. But any of my girlfriends who are listening know exactly who I am.

[D]

You know what?

[A]

That's fine.

[B]

Did you name him?

[D]

That's gonna be a tough thing to overcome at the office because he's gonna come and hand you a folder or something and say, hey, do you think you can call these people and you're gonna say, I think I

[B]

can see my group of friends. He would be known as the conductor, like from. Yeah, Conductor dude.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

How many couples tonight, as a joke, are gonna do that very same thing?

[A]

Okay, April, same warning with you. Please try to be as delicate as you can. I mean, we got a little bit more wiggle room after 8:30. Just be a little careful, okay?

[E]

Okay.

[A]

All right, go ahead.

[E]

All right, here's the deal breaker. It didn't happen to me, but it happened to one of my mother's friends about 10 years ago. And I will never forget it because it scarred me. She had. We were all in the same congregation. She had just moved to the congregation and she Was a really pretty lady. She met a guy. He was a very good looking guy. Had his own business, and all the sisters in the congregation wanted to talk to him, but he wanted to date her. So they dated for about a year, but he, you know, he always told her, we got to keep this relationship cleaned. And he finally proposed to her, but they had never been intimate with each other. So after he marries her, on their wedding day, he tells her that his man thing doesn't work and that he was in a bad accident and that so they can't. You know, they can't do that. And also, he had, like, a little attachment that he had to keep on him so that he could use the bathroom.

[A]

What do you mean, didn't work?

[E]

It wouldn't work. It wouldn't work. It was, like, partially removed. It wouldn't work. He couldn't get aroused, so he had a.

[A]

Partially removed. Yeah, you could say penis.

[E]

Penis.

[A]

Penis. And she didn't find that out until after the wedding?

[E]

After. Yeah, on the honeymoon. She came back. She was devastated.

[B]

He didn't want to tell her.

[A]

Of course he didn't.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

That's just sad.

[A]

How did he get the partial penis?

[E]

He was in a bad accident. I can't remember. I called my mom this morning. I can't remember if it was in the military or what, but he was in a horrible accident.

[D]

Just for the record, any accident involving your penis is a bad accident.

[A]

Yes, yes. Especially in a case like that one. Sad.

[B]

That's sad.

[A]

I still think you need full disclosure before you get married about something like that.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It's not fair that he didn't tell her that.

[A]

All right, here is your closer. You thought what you just heard was freaky, right?

[C]

Right?

[A]

Hold on here.

[B]

I think I can.

[A]

How you gonna beat the conductor?

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

All right, Tisha. And again, I gotta ask you, just be as careful as you can about it. This is the deal breaker. How long were you guys going out for?

[C]

We probably dated for about two months. And we had just kind of come to the point in our relationship where we were intimate.

[B]

Mm.

[C]

And so I didn't. You know, I thought he was a nice guy. I mean, I'm a nice. I'm a really nice person. I'm fairly modest, so you can understand the problem. What he wanted to do when I went into the restroom, he wanted. This is the G version. He wanted to assist me like one would assist a child. Or. I'll say the W word. He wanted to wipe me.

[B]

What?

[C]

Oh. It was awful. So that was A deal breaker, of course.

[A]

So he says to you, look, I've got this thing. And it was a sexual thing for him.

[C]

I don't know if it was an intimate kind of thing. I don't know what it was. We didn't stand. I didn't want to talk about it. I was like, I'm out. Bye, dude. I'm out of here.

[A]

Now, what would you call this guy

[D]

in your group, J. Mr. Clean?

[C]

I mean, can you imagine? I mean, what do you say? What?

[B]

What did you say the first time?

[C]

I. I don't. You know, what can you say? I mean, you know, he probably heard me. Yeah, I put my shoes on and I was out of there. Grabbed my purse. See ya. And we ran into each other maybe a year later. But I don't think I dated anybody for probably a year and a half.

[A]

Yeah, that scarred you pretty well.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, I just. I just thought, you know what? I'm done. I gotta give myself a break.

[A]

And he was referring to. He was referring to everything that can be done down there.

[C]

No, I think he was referring to like a little pop in kind of thing. I don't even want to get into, you know, something more sophisticated.

[B]

I cannot imagine that.

[C]

Thank you. I know. And he was like a nice guy. I mean, I'm telling you, you have to be so careful.

[B]

He's being polite.

[A]

He just had this. This was his thing. He just wanted to wipe you.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

I think if you find yourself in a relationship like that, you're obligated to with him to remove him from the

[C]

dating pool for other people.

[B]

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