Vault: Is Bert As Good Of A Driver As He Thinks?

Summary

The Bert Show – Vault: Is Bert As Good Of A Driver As He Thinks?

Date: January 23, 2026
Host: Bert and The Bert Show Cast

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Episode Overview

This lively and humorous episode tackles a long-running debate between Bert and his wife Stacy: Who is the better driver? Determined to settle the score, the duo undergoes a comprehensive driving test at the New London Driving School. The episode weaves through friendly taunting, post-test anxieties, and the dramatic reveal of the results—with input from driving instructor Alan. The result? A hilarious and insightful look at driving skills, competitiveness in relationships, and the art of being a gracious (or not-so-gracious) loser.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting up the Challenge (00:00–02:06)

• The show opens with banter about competitiveness:
  • Bert: “There has to be winners. There has to be losers. My house is a microcosm of America.” (00:01)
• Bert sets the stage with confidence, teasing Stacy about the results during their vacation.
• Stacy explains the test procedure: same car, instructor present, series of driving maneuvers including highway, city, and (in her case) parking.

2. Pre-Result Jokes and Confessions (01:08–05:06)

• The cast jokes about nerves and substance use before the test:
  • Bert quips about being nervous, poking fun: “I smoked a bunch of weed. Just clouded my judgment. My timing.” (01:09)
• Stacy describes feeling at a disadvantage because Alan, the instructor, seemed to give her more instructions, though Bert later admits he received them too:
  • “Oh, okay. Well, that's nice that you lied. That seems fair.” — Stacy (05:06)
• Bert expresses regret at missing the parking portion, which Stacy claims as her strength—fueling more playful taunting.

3. The Results Are In! (05:31–09:34)

• Alan, the British-accented instructor, dials in with the verdict:
  • “Professionally, you are both actually very good drivers... Having said that, the person that won this actually is Stacy.” — Alan (06:24)
• Bert’s shock and the cast's teasing ensue, demanding an explanation.
  • Alan explains: “The reason that Stacy beat you was simply because at a couple of points while you were driving, you went over the speed limit.” (07:11)
• Alan candidly admits Stacy’s parallel parking “was awful,” but since road driving weighs higher in safety, she takes the win.
• Bert demands a rematch with parking included, to no avail.

4. Stacy’s Victory Speech (08:30–09:18)

• Stacy graciously accepts, thanking the listeners, her father, and relishing in the knowledge Bert can never contest her driving superiority again.
  • “...every time we get in the car that will never be forgotten. So I can be a silent winner and still in my, you know, in my silence, know that I can chuckle a little because I beat him.” — Stacy (08:54)

5. The Aftermath and Lessons Learned (09:34–13:16)

• Fun specifics discussed:
  • Bert complains about Stacy driving too close to the curb; Alan disagrees, saying it’s safer to favor mailboxes over oncoming trucks.
    • “An 18 wheeler coming directly towards you is a lot less forgiving than a mailbox.” — Alan (10:25)
• Bert must publicly admit defeat:
  • “My wife Stacy is a better driver than I am.” — Bert (11:19)
• The cast imagines Stacy relishing her win for years, possibly decorating the house with her scores and “trophies.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “There has to be winners. There has to be losers. My house is a microcosm of America.” — Bert (00:01)
• “Before the test, I smoked a bunch of weed. Just clouded my judgment.” — Bert (01:09, joking)
• “Oh, okay. Well, that's nice that you lied. That seems fair.” – Stacy (05:06)
• “Professionally, you are both actually very good drivers... the person that won this actually is Stacy.” — Alan (06:24)
• “At a couple of points while you were driving, you went over the speed limit.” — Alan (07:11)
• “My wife Stacy is a better driver than I am.” — Bert (11:19, solemnly and on command)
• “...every time we get in the car... I can be a silent winner and still in my, you know, in my silence, know that I can chuckle a little because I beat him.” — Stacy (08:54)
• “An 18 wheeler coming directly towards you is a lot less forgiving than a mailbox.” — Alan (10:25)

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Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:01 – Bert sets the competitive tone
• 01:08 – Jokes about nerves and test setup
• 02:50 – Stacy describes the parking challenge
• 05:06 – Bert admits he lied about not getting instructor advice
• 06:24 – Alan announces Stacy as the winner
• 07:11 – Alan explains Bert's speeding tipped the scales
• 08:30 – Stacy delivers her victory speech
• 10:25 – Instructor on mailbox vs. oncoming truck safety
• 11:19 – Bert admits, on-air, that Stacy is the better driver
• 13:02 – Cast teases possible “victory decorations” at home

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Tone & Atmosphere

True to The Bert Show’s style, the episode is filled with good-natured ribbing, quick-witted banter, and lighthearted self-deprecation. The dynamic is playful but authentic, echoing the kind of friendly disputes every couple can recognize. The cast, instructor, and audience all relish the journey as much as the verdict.

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Summary

“Is Bert As Good Of A Driver As He Thinks?” delivers on The Bert Show’s promise of authentic humor and relatable life drama. A simple marital argument turns into an official challenge, culminating in unexpected results and lasting bragging rights for Stacy. Through laughter and humility, the episode reaffirms that sometimes, it’s not about winning or losing—but about how you (eventually) admit defeat on the radio.

Transcript

[A]

The first show. This is America. There has to be winners. There has to be losers. My house is a microcosm of America. Someone I don't know. I just told Melissa I know I'm tired because I'm just talking too much.

[B]

First day back from vacation. But, I mean, Bert is confident that this test result will go in his favor.

[A]

Stacy is on hold. Alan from New London Driving School is on hold. We will get the results here in just a second. Hey, Stace.

[C]

Hi. Hi.

[A]

How are you?

[C]

I'm fine.

[A]

There's a little bit of taunting going on this week on vacation, waiting for these results, I gotta tell you.

[D]

So you guys took this driving test before we left for vacation?

[A]

Yeah. Stacey, you want to explain exactly what the driving test was all about?

[C]

The driving test. Well, said they had a car, so we both had to drive the same car, so it was fair. And then we had. The school was in the car with us, and there were three people, so it made you a little tense. Except he asked me when I got in the car if I was nervous. I wasn't nervous at all. But he said you were. I was, yeah. So.

[E]

Well, you took a bunch of Quaaludes.

[A]

Before the test, and I smoked a bunch of weed. Just clouded my. Clouded my judgment. My timing.

[E]

Also said quaaludes since Studio 54's been quaaludes. What the hell was that?

[D]

What is that?

[A]

Anyway, so, yeah, we get in our. We separately got in the car with Alan from New London Driving School. And it's not old school like it used to be. Like, I remember taking the driving test back in high school where you had a steering wheel and an accelerator and a brake on. On my side of the car. And the instructor had the same. On his side of the car. Dude just has a brake now.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

There's no steering wheel. So if you're doing something wrong, Alan's going to hit the brake as quick as he can.

[B]

Now, before we get to the test itself, Stacy, we in here in the studio have heard Bert talk about this driving test and how confident he is and the taunting. And I kind of, you know, saying that there's taunting going on. And. Well, I want to hear from your perspective how Bert's been taunting you about this.

[C]

Well, he basically keeps saying that he got 100% on the test because it's going to be like a point system. And then he's like, there's just no way that you beat me. I did perfectly in the test. And I. I said to him, did. When I got in the car. Alan said to me, you know, I'm going to get. I'm going to give you some information as we're driving, some rules and things you may have forgot since you originally went to driving school. I'm not going to say how many years ago. And then. But Bert said that he didn't give him. That Alan didn't give him any instructions. So then I was kind of like, well, but he said it as soon as we got in the car. So then I was like, he wasn't doing it just because he thought I needed it and Bert didn't. So I'm not sure what that meant, but I kind of felt like that was an advantage for me.

[E]

Why are they going into it? Because you're both in the same car going into it. I think because you're a woman, he wanted to even the playing field, so he wanted to give you a little advantage.

[C]

Right. Okay. So anyway, he. He. So Bert said, well, since I didn't get instruction, then I know I did better than you, and there's just no way you could have beat me. And I didn't say anything. I mean, I've just been quiet. I've just been like, well, whatever, we'll just see the score. Because, I mean, I know that I drive better than him. And the other thing on the test is, like, we had to do everything. Highway driving, street driving, you know, lots of traffic lights, lots of left turns. But when we came back, I said, well, do you want to do some parking? And don't you think that maybe we should be graded on that? So I had to do some parking, pull in, back into a straight spot. Then I had to also parallel park. And I did all those perfectly but didn't have to park. And I was kind of bummed about that because that was the one thing that I think he's really bad at and that I'm much better at. So I was kind of bummed that he didn't have to do that.

[A]

They didn't ask me to do that, really, for whatever reason.

[C]

Yeah, it was my suggestion.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

So we were trying to bring him back downstairs to do the parking after I was done, but he'd already gone home at that point.

[A]

Darn it. That's just fun luck, right?

[D]

Parking was her trump card.

[A]

It was because, well, I don't think I'm a bad. I don't park badly. I park her. The boat that she calls a truck badly, because it's just so big.

[B]

And you can't park a trip.

[A]

The thing is, seriously, it's like the size of a small cruise ship.

[C]

Well, is there a reason that I, little person that I am, can park that truck like there's no tomorrow? People look at me like, how did you do that?

[A]

Well, you drive it every day. Let's just. Let's let the facts and let's let the numbers speak to themselves at this point. Okay?

[E]

The size of the car you're parking, you technically could be on top of like one of those old school geometrics. And nobody would know because you just pull the thing right over it like one of those old. Those old. The neons like that could be crushed under like a soda can under your tire.

[A]

Nobody would just drive this big old. It's an armada, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And things huge. Stupid. I shouldn't. It shouldn't be legal. But Alan is from New London Driving School and Stacy, I didn't tell you this, that I was just jacking with you. That Alan was giving me instruction as we were driving also.

[C]

Oh, okay. Well, that's nice that you lied. That seems fair.

[A]

Now it's going to be a more global problem. So you lied to me. Well, if you lied to me about this, maybe you lied to me about other things that I don't know about.

[B]

The words have come out of. What kind of person do you really want to be? Do you want to be the person who lies to me or the person who doesn't?

[E]

Well, in that case, Stacy would like you to know that in the middle of the driving test, she pulled over and made out with Alan, the instructor.

[A]

He's pretty sexy guy. I can understand the lore. Hey, Alan.

[F]

Hello.

[A]

How are you today?

[F]

I am very well. How about you both?

[A]

I'm doing great, really great. Now, Alan.

[E]

As a matter of fact. Alan, hold on a minute. I would like to talk to you about making this winner be.

[A]

Stacy, despite what you've heard on the radio or despite personality in the car, you got to take it just. I mean, strictly professionally. Go ahead.

[F]

Professionally, you are both actually very good drivers. Neither of you made any serious mistakes on the road. You were checking what you were doing. You actually did what we teach our students to do. You took your lives in your hands and you protected them.

[A]

Okay, this is not. This is not soccer. There can be.

[F]

No, not soccer. No, no, I don't play soccer. That's for hooligans. I play rugby. Okay, having said that, the person that won this actually is Stacy.

[A]

What?

[F]

Let me tell you why.

[E]

How is that possible? Hold on a minute, Alan. We are rejoicing.

[A]

How is that possible?

[E]

We won't hear.

[A]

How is that even possible?

[E]

Hold on a minute, Bert. Quiet. Stacy, congratulations on your victory.

[C]

Thank you, Jeff.

[E]

Do you have any. Do you have any words for the. For the, you know, academy or anybody you'd like to thank?

[A]

I want facts. I want facts. I want to know the. I want to see the sheets. I want to know. I want to see the facts.

[C]

You would have won, and you would have. You would be able to get to say something so you.

[F]

Can I.

[E]

Hold on, Alan. We have a victory speech coming from the winner, the driving test.

[F]

Can I just continue? Just a momentary speech. Isn't that great?

[E]

Oh, no.

[F]

Oh, yes. Well, but the reason. The reason that Stacy beat you was simply because at a couple of points while you were driving, you went over the speed limit. Okay. Now, talking to Stacy about her parallel parking, quite honestly, it was awful. She didn't look. She didn't use blinkers. She left the vehicle about three feet out from the curb. So I wasn't very impressed with the parallel parking. And if we had included that parallel parking, then I'm afraid Bert would have won.

[A]

Well, I think we have to go ahead and get me parallel parking.

[F]

Listen, the only thing with that is I've never heard of a person dying parallel parking. So at New London, we kind of concentrate on the road and where you can hurt yourself.

[A]

And in your opinion, Stacy. There's less of a chance of Stacy hurting herself than I.

[F]

Absolutely. And I got it. And I will reiterate, and both of my other instructors with me will confirm that you both did extraordinarily well.

[E]

But the winner of the driving test once again, was Stacy.

[B]

Because this is America. In America, there's winners and losers.

[A]

There's a hanging chad somewhere. Go ahead, darling.

[C]

There you go.

[A]

Do what you gotta do.

[C]

Well, first of all, I'd like to thank all the listeners that prayed for me and supported me through this, because I'm sure that that helped me with my confidence. Secondly, I'd like to thank my father, who's probably the best driver in the world, and that's who taught me to drive. And.

[A]

Wait, didn't your dad, like, roll a car and jack up his shoulder one night?

[E]

It didn't count.

[A]

He was drunk.

[C]

You know, whatever. So the other thing that I think is going to be wonderful is that I'll never have to say a word again in the car because he will always know that I won. And it will always be there every time we get in the car that will never be forgotten. So I can be a silent winner and still in my, you know, in my silence, know that I can chuckle a little because I beat him.

[E]

Oh, that's going to be the worst. Because now in the car, she could go, hey, nevermind. And then she doesn't have to say a word.

[A]

I have zero defense. Zero defense. Zero. Okay, honey, you have been crowned the best driver in the house.

[D]

I need to ask the instructor something really quickly. Is he still on the phone?

[A]

Yeah. Alan's here. Hey, Alan.

[C]

Alan.

[F]

Hey.

[D]

One of Bert's complaints about Stacy was that she drove too far on the right side of the road. Like where he said she was about to take out mailboxes all the time. Did you find that when she.

[F]

No, I didn't. No, we didn't find that. A lot of. A lot of people make that complaint because the passenger sitting closer to the mailbox that she. She did. She did fine. And she's literally.

[A]

She's literally taken out mailboxes.

[E]

Alan, I'd like to ask you a question based on the question Jen just asked and something you said earlier. If you were to make a decision to drive closer to the center line or closer to a tiny little harmless mailbox with, wouldn't the proper answer be to air on the side of the mailbox and be a little farther right than left?

[F]

I think an 18 wheeler coming directly towards you is a lot less forgiving than a mailbox.

[E]

There you go, Stacey. Congratulations.

[A]

I mean, at this point, it's just overkill.

[E]

At this point, I feel like I need to send her a gift or something because you've given us quite a present.

[C]

You're welcome.

[A]

All right, honey, congratulations. The fight is over. I can never, ever, ever bring up again.

[C]

Say it.

[D]

Say it.

[A]

Stacy, baby, you are a better driver than I am.

[E]

Actually, hold on a minute.

[A]

I just threw open my mouth just a little bit.

[E]

Can you turn the music off and say that with no background? And we're gonna want to note the time, whoever's doing the index. Everyone quiet.

[A]

So you want me to say just my wife or you want me to direct it?

[E]

My wife Stacy is a better driver than I am. Oh, he's sweating.

[A]

My wife Stacy is a better driver than I am.

[E]

And that's all we need.

[A]

Come on, guys.

[E]

That'll be the promo.

[A]

Okay, talk to you later.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

Congratulations.

[E]

Congratulations.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Thanks, Chris. Bye. Bye.

[C]

Bye.

[A]

Alan.

[F]

Yes, dad.

[A]

New London Driving School. I'm sorry, I think that you have to reassess the way that you give tests.

[D]

Of course.

[A]

Thank you for helping us out. Appreciate it.

[F]

Well, listen, we'll come back in a year's time and retest you. How about that, Bert? I will take you up when you've learned to stay below the speed limit.

[E]

He's already told. He's already emailed Tracy and I to find an American driving school to give a proper test on the basis that y' all don't even know what side of the road to be on.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't even see any of his papers. Green card, citizenship, nothing. I don't even know if he's legal here. But I'm sorry.

[F]

Well, I came over the border before they closed it.

[A]

All right, Alan, thanks for all your help. Appreciate it.

[C]

Thank you.

[F]

I appreciate it. I really enjoyed both of you.

[A]

Thank you.

[E]

I got emails. We're gonna have Alan's information up online because I got an email from another couple who wants to do based on what they have the same argument. Stacy and Bert have no doubt.

[A]

God, that hurts. How is that possible? I was so, like, looking at the speed limit.

[E]

Dude, the look on your face.

[A]

I was shocked. I'm shocked. You don't even know, like, this is the trophy in the house. And now it's settled.

[E]

You heard her. She's going to torture you with silence.

[A]

I know. Damn it. A good winner. I hate that.

[E]

And you know, you're going to, like, you're going to blow through a stop sign or make some little mistake or.

[A]

Go 1 mph over this vehicle.

[C]

Right?

[E]

And she's going to go, hey, never mind.

[A]

Right.

[D]

You know how Stacy likes to decorate the house? Like she gets way into holidays?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

You're gonna come home today, and it's gonna be, like, little cars everywhere. And her, like, car trophies all over the living room.

[A]

Blown up. The blown up test with her score on it and my score on it.

[E]

Or it's gonna be. Or it's gonna get in your head this way. Like, if Hayden needs to go somewhere, he'll say, oh, I'll take him. No, no, no, I'll take him the first show.