Vault: Is he using the military as an excuse?

Summary

The Bert Show – Episode Summary

Episode Title: Vault: Is he using the military as an excuse?
Air Date: June 16, 2026

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Main Theme & Purpose

In this episode, The Bert Show cast tackles the complexities of romantic relationships involving military service members. A caller named Olivia shares her experience with a sudden and confusing communication breakdown in her budding romance after her partner was deployed overseas. The cast and listeners, including military personnel, weigh in on whether being in the military is a valid reason for ghosting—or if it’s simply an excuse.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Olivia’s Dilemma: Fast-Moving Relationship, Sudden Silence

• Olivia describes meeting a man, falling into an intense relationship, and then experiencing sudden distance and eventual silence after his overseas deployment.
• Their connection escalated quickly—discussions about love and potential adoption of her children after just weeks of dating.
• Olivia notes the abruptness in his communication: “Things were good, and we Skyped every four days... In October, everything stopped at the end of October. And I've tried to message him ... he won't reply. But he does reply to my best friend.” ([02:47], Olivia)
• She’s left questioning whether to reach out when he returns or to let go.

2. Unpacking Military Relationship Dynamics

• The hosts highlight that military relationships have unique challenges, including enforced distance, communication limitations, and rapid escalation due to deployment uncertainty.
• The cast observes: “These military relationships ... they're so different than civilian relationships. ... The dating thing is so complicated because he or she is away and there's all this time where you're not talking to each other.” ([01:09], Host)

3. The Military Perspective: Is It an Excuse?

• Ross, a Career Military Member: Confirms that deploying can prompt people to seek emotional security before leaving, but also admits, “A lot of people don't think you can hook up downrange, but it happens all the time.” ([06:06], Ross)
• Ross tells Olivia directly: “She probably needs to cut her losses. If he's talking to other people, it's obvious ... his communication is not limited.” ([05:24], Ross)
• Another military caller echoes, “It's probably just over. I mean, two weeks is more like a fling, I would say.” ([07:07], Caller)
• The guests agree the pattern of avoiding only Olivia signifies intentional withdrawal, not circumstance.

4. The ‘Security Blanket’ Phenomenon

• The show questions if Olivia was merely a safety net for the departing boyfriend, a common dynamic before deployment.
• Olivia says, “I told him ... I don't want to be, you know, some, like, booty call before you leave or, you know, some little thing, you know, you've got back home, you know?” ([10:11], Olivia)

5. Civilian vs. Military Mindset

• The cast recognizes an empathy gap: “As a civilian, it seems very cut and dry to us, but there are different rules ... things are different in the military.” ([05:03], Host)
• Military callers reinforce: “...You rely more on your section, your unit there to make the friends that are gonna really help you through it.” ([07:34], Caller)

6. Advice to Olivia: Let It Play Out

• The show leans toward encouraging Olivia to take a passive approach: “You can get some answers here by just not doing anything right now.” ([09:26], Host)
• If her ex doesn’t reach out upon returning, that’s her answer.

7. A Similar Story: Ashley’s Experience

• Another caller, Ashley, shares her parallel experience, where her deployed boyfriend’s communication faded and he eventually got married to someone else after returning—without ever officially breaking up ([10:58], Ashley).
• Ashley reflects: “Once you get over there, you just change...he wanted to have someone to come home to ... but once he got over there, I think their whole mentality just changes.” ([12:45], Ashley)

8. Warning Against Becoming the ‘Booty Call’

• The host humorously but seriously warns: “I'd be real careful about the at home booty call also ... you sound like you'd sort of be vulnerable to that still. So I would just warn you for that.” ([13:29], Host)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “These military relationships ... they're so different than civilian relationships. … The dating thing is so complicated because he or she is away and there’s all this time where you’re not talking to each other.”
  – Host ([01:09])

• “Things were good, and we Skyped every four days ... In October, everything stopped ... he won't reply. But he does reply to my best friend.”
  – Olivia ([02:47])

• “She probably needs to cut her losses. If he's talking to other people, it's obvious ... his communication is not limited.”
  – Ross, military caller ([05:24])

• "A lot of people don't think you can hook up downrange, but it happens all the time."
  – Ross ([06:06])

• “Once you get over there, you just change ... he wanted to have someone to come home to ... but once he got over there, I think their whole mentality just changes.”
  – Ashley ([12:45])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:09: Introduction to military relationships and Olivia’s story begins
• 02:47–03:22: Olivia details change in communication; discovery of Facebook interactions
• 04:11: Boyfriend warns he might have long silences
• 05:24–06:18: Ross, military perspective—calls for Olivia to “cut her losses”
• 07:07: Military caller compares length of relationship to a “fling”
• 09:26: Hosts suggest Olivia let it play out and wait for boyfriend to reach out
• 10:58–12:52: Ashley shares similar experience with a deployed boyfriend
• 13:29: Warning about vulnerability to “booty call” scenario

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Conclusion: Takeaways for Listeners

• Military relationships often come with unpredictable emotional dynamics.
• Deployment can alter priorities and emotional attachments, leading to abrupt or unexplained breakups.
• When a deployed partner continues communicating with others but not you, it’s usually a clear sign they are withdrawing.
• Letting go—and waiting to see if the person makes an effort upon returning—is often the healthiest move.
• Don’t allow yourself to become someone’s fallback or “booty call” when they return.

Final Note: Olivia is encouraged to check back in after her ex returns, to let the show and listeners know how it played out. The episode provides a compassionate, real look into love and heartbreak in the shadow of military service.

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Transcript

[Host]

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Visit borhears.com the third show Olivia wants to be on the Voice Disguiser. Hey, Olivia. Hey, how are you?

Morning.

[Olivia]

Pretty good. How are you guys?

[Ross]

Good.

[Host]

These military relationships and listening to you guys for the last eight years, so complicated, man. They're so different than civilian relationships. I mean, the dating thing is so complicated because he or she is away and there's all this time where you're not talking to each other. And then with the married couples, sometimes he's away for six months or a year, comes home and then. And mom has the house set up a certain way, but dude comes home and now all of a sudden he wants to do things his way. And she's like, this is my house. They're complicated, really complicated. And you're getting a taste of that now, huh?

[Olivia]

Yeah. I started dating a guy back in the summer who we only dated for like two weeks before he ended up having to leave. And things were great. A month into it, I mean, it was I love you. And I mean, I have, I'm a single mom of two and he talked about, like, if we ever got married, could I adopt your kids kind of thing. I mean, it was real, it got real serious real quick.

[Caller]

After two Weeks?

[Olivia]

Well, that was like a month or two into it. That wasn't after two weeks. No, but, I mean, he left Texas.

[Host]

All right, well, I think the timing of this is important. So from minute number one until when he took off, we're talking about how long?

[Olivia]

Two weeks before he left. We were together for two weeks. He was here in Georgia, and then he left for training.

[Caller]

And so when he was at training was when he told you over the phone that he loved you?

[Olivia]

It was over Skype, actually.

[Ashley]

Over Skype.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Olivia]

Two weeks. He was training for two weeks, so it was a month. And he told me he loved me and all that stuff, which was great because I loved him. And we've known each other for a long time, so.

[Host]

Okay.

[Olivia]

And then things, like, were good, and we Skyped every four days. It was a day off. And slowly, in, like, October, things started dwindling off. And then it was only Facebook chatting. And then it was like. Then it just went to nothing. Then in October, everything stopped at the end of October. And I've tried to message him on Facebook, and he won't reply. And I know he gets on, and I know he talks to other people because my best friend wrote on his wall, and he wrote her back, but he can't write me back. And I just. I have no clue what's going on.

[Caller]

Is he still in Texas?

[Olivia]

No, he's in Iraq now.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Host]

And it's four months now?

[Olivia]

Yeah. He comes home in, like, the next week or two.

[Host]

So when did he.

[Olivia]

That's why I'm calling you guys.

[Caller]

So from Texas.

[Olivia]

So when did he go to Iraq? That was the end of July.

[Caller]

So he was in Iraq end of July. All this started dropping off end of October for you?

[Olivia]

Yeah.

[Host]

Okay.

[Caller]

But you're still thinking about it three months later.

Wow.

[Olivia]

Well, I just. I mean, I haven't heard anything, and people are like, well, you just need to try and talk to him. I'm like, well, I can't just talk to him. You know, he's in a completely different country. So. But my biggest problem is he comes home in two weeks, and I don't know if I should try and call him or just be like, hey, what. You know, what happened?

[Host]

Or now he. The warnings that he gave you before he took off, did they indicate to you that he wouldn't be in contact with you for months at a time?

[Olivia]

Yeah, he said, you know what if I can't talk to you the whole time I'm over there? I was like, well, that's fine. I mean, I Told him I'd wait. And he said, you know, if you find somebody while I'm gone, don't send me a Dear John letter until the day before I leave. Or, you know, don't let me know till the day before I come home. Because he didn't want to be hit with my girlfriend, just broke up with me while I'm in Iraq.

[Host]

But. But the key ingredient in this also is that you do see him messaging on Facebook with other people, but he's not answering yours, right?

[Olivia]

Yeah. Even like my best friend, he answered her, but he can't answer me, so.

[Caller]

Well, to me, that's a clue, you know?

[Olivia]

And, I mean, I'm figuring things are over, but I just don't know what happened. That's what I want to know. I want to be like, did you meet somebody while you're over there? Which I know is pretty much against the rules. You can't really hook up while you're deployed.

[Host]

But I think in this case, we can only take advice from people in the military.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Host]

Because as a civilian, it seems very cut and dry to us, but there are different rules and, you know, things are different in the military, so. Good morning, Chris. You are on Q100.

[Ross]

Hello.

[Host]

Unless you don't want to. Yeah, there you go.

[Caller]

What's going on? Alpha, Bravo, Victor, Charlie.

[Host]

Good morning, Rocky, you're on Q100.

[Ross]

Hi. Hey, good morning. A couple of things on this that I can give you. I've got about three deployments downrange under my belt, and I've been doing it for about 25 years. She probably needs to cut her losses. If he's talking to other people, it's obvious that he's not in a job where his communication is limited. And a lot of guys, before they kick out to go down range, the nerves and everything start getting to you and you want to have some kind of tie back home. And so people will make those ties and then they get downrange. And a lot of people don't think you can hook up downrange, but it happens all the time.

[Olivia]

Yeah, I figured it did.

[Ross]

It really does. I hate to. No, I don't want to be a heartbreaker to her, but this kind of thing happens. I was the first sergeant for a long time, and I've seen a lot of guys break a lot of girls hearts and vice versa.

[Host]

So you think that he was setting roots before he took off because he didn't know what the future held and then realized the future wasn't all that bad and now he's sort of just. He's getting cold and breaking up with her.

[Caller]

Absolutely.

[Ross]

And he probably just don't have the heart to say it. Okay. All right.

[Host]

And you were in military for how long?

[Ross]

I'm still in. I'm sectioned here in Atlanta, and I've been in for 25 years.

[Caller]

Fantastic. Thank you.

Thank you.

[Host]

Thanks, Ross. Rocky. Appreciate it.

[Ross]

All right, guys.

[Host]

I think every guy in the military should be named Rocky Every single 25 years.

[Caller]

And I mean, you can. And. And every time we talk to, you know, seasoned, you know, military men, they have that certain aggressiveness and confidence, you know?

[Host]

You know, hey, Joe, I just want to.

[Caller]

Just want to say you have a great show. I listen to it every morning.

[Host]

Thank you, sir. Appreciate it.

[Caller]

Been in about four years. I'm stationed at. In Atlanta, Fort McPherson. And, you know, I think the thing is she's only been going out with the guy for two weeks, so. Yeah, like first Sergeant said, you know, it's probably true that it was nerves. And, you know, I've never been deployed, but of course, I have many, many friends that have. And currently one of my best friends has been married to his wife three years. She just went down range. And, you know, three year marriage is tough on them. He says she's a totally different person. She's dealing with stuff that you don't deal with as you're training or stationed stateside. And, you know, you rely more on your section, your unit there to make the friends that are gonna really help you through it. And, you know, I think probably after dating only two weeks, maybe she should call him when he gets back. But, you know, it's probably just, you know, it's probably just over. I mean, two weeks is more like a fling, I would say.

[Host]

Yeah. Why would she even call him at all? Like, wouldn't that be a sure sign, like, if he comes home?

[Ross]

Yeah.

[Caller]

And he doesn't call her, that's one thing. But, you know, I think she. It depends how much, you know, she's trying to contact him. I, you know, maybe he just doesn't have the time to call her. But it's probably just now he's in Iraq, he's doing what he's training for, and at this point, you know, maybe he did find someone. It's true. A lot of people do hook up. I mean, there's. I mean, statistics show there is a lot of pregnancies going on overseas.

[Ross]

So.

[Host]

Go ahead.

[Caller]

Well, I just think that, you know, especially our first caller from the first sergeant talking about, you know, the mentality going into it that, you know, civilian can't understand. So there's, you know, there's a part of me that is not as harsh against. On him than I would be maybe another guy who's just blowing you off. Because I do think that maybe his conversation with you about a future and about marriage and about your kids and everything. I mean, none of us can imagine what it's like of what our mind's thinking when we're about to be deployed and what we have perceived to be such a hostile environment. And so, you know, it may just, yeah, be the case where he got there and he just doesn't feel the same. And it's, you know, no harm, no fouls. Just move on.

[Host]

Hey, Olivia, are you capable of just letting this play out? I mean, you know, he's gonna be back in a couple of weeks. The sure sign for you would be if he calls you or not. So if he's in town and he doesn't call and he leaves, then, you know, it's over. But if you continue to pursue, then you're still gonna have this. This question. Is it on? Is it off? But you can get some answers here by just not doing anything right now.

[Olivia]

And that was kind of what I was planning on doing, was just seeing what he did when he get home. But we were together, I mean, together in the same state for two weeks, but we were together from, you know, June to October, as far as I knew, until he stopped, you know, talking to me. So it was longer than two weeks.

[Caller]

But it does sound like to me, though, that you were kind of his security blanket.

[Olivia]

That's. And I told him that when we first started talking, I was like, I don't want to be, you know, some, like, booty call before you leave or, you know, some little thing, you know, you've got back home, you know?

[Ashley]

So I kind of try to express

[Olivia]

that, and I don't have time for that. I mean, I'm a single mom. I don't have time to waste time with somebody dragging me on like that.

[Caller]

I know. But to me, again, if it's somebody in the military, I just. It just. Who knows? Who knows?

[Olivia]

And I understand, like, you have no idea what they're going through and all

[Caller]

that kind of, who knows what he's been through?

[Olivia]

And that's why I haven't tried to really say anything while he's been there. I've just kind of let it played out since October and just kind of, you know, write him a couple messages saying, hope you're doing good, you know, be safe kind of thing. And just.

[Host]

You've never heard back from them, though?

[Olivia]

No.

[Host]

Okay, here is Ashley. We'll take one more call on this. Hey, Ashley.

[Olivia]

Hey, how are y'?

[Ashley]

All?

[Host]

Hey.

We got Olivia here, who is dating a guy right before he takes off from. For Iraq, says, look, I love you. I can't wait to get involved with you. Then he gets over to Iraq and he's Facebook and everybody else, but hasn't talked to her, hasn't been in communication with her, but has been with everybody else.

[Ashley]

I had sort of a similar situation. He was in Afghanistan, though, and he was able. He wasn't able to Facebook or he could call maybe once every two months. But before he left, we dated for a little over a year before he left. So things were really serious when he left. And for the first six months he was over there. He was constantly. We would send letters and, you know, I mean, once a week at least, I got a letter and I would send him a letter, and he. He would send me just some different things. And after about six months, the letters just completely stopped. I just stopped getting letters. And he couldn't call or Facebook, so I had no idea if something had happened to him. He ended up coming back. Like, he contacted me and told me he was coming back. He visited and he had like a weekend and then he went back. And after he was gone a total of a year, and by the time he came back the second time, we. We didn't really talk. We never really broke up. He just kind of stopped talking. And when he got back, he called me and told me he was getting married and he had ended up. They allowed him another visitation and he came back and visited and didn't tell me and met someone while he was home and then went back. So I don't know if he's. If he's had any visitations, but it's possible that maybe he came back and didn't tell her and met someone then. But the thing I. He's married now, and we still keep in touch, and we had talked about it, and he says that once you get over there, you just change. He said that, you know, like, the first guy said he wanted to have someone to come home to, so he kind of, you know, had that girlfriend back at home as a safety net. But it. Once he got over there, you know, I think their whole mentality just changes and.

[Host]

Wow, now that could. I mean, that's. That's worst case scenario stuff there for you, Olivia.

[Olivia]

But I mean, it's only gone for six months. And they don't get R and R like that when they do for a year. So I know he didn't come home at all because, I mean, and I'm friends with his mom on Facebook and everything, and my mom and his mom went to high school together, so I

[Caller]

would just let it go. I think you need to let it go. And I think that, you know, I don't know if the term safety net sits well with me. I think it's motivation. I could only imagine that when you're over there, you want something to motivate you to stay alive to get home. So, I mean, to me, I think that would be flattering. But I do think you need to let it go.

[Host]

Now, I'd be real careful about the at home booty call also when he comes back and then he starts calling. Cause you sound like you'd sort of be vulnerable to that still. So I would just warn you for that.

[Olivia]

Yeah.

[Host]

Although, I mean, you may be serving your country. That's the way that you gotta serve your country.

[Caller]

How many guys have used that on a girl? You know what? It's really for the United States.

[Host]

I mean, you gotta do. Yeah. You gotta do what's right as an American.

That's your duty.

Hey, Olivia, will you call us in a couple of weeks and let us know how it plays out?

[Olivia]

Definitely. Thanks, guys.

[Host]

All right, good luck. Bye. Bye. Get it the bird show.