Vault: Is it okay to check your spouse's email?

Summary

The Bert Show – Episode Summary

Episode: Vault: Is it okay to check your spouse's email?
Date: August 11, 2026

---

Overview

In this episode, The Bert Show team dives into a listener’s real-life dilemma: Is it ever okay to snoop on your partner's email or messages? The crew reads an email from Alison, a listener who stumbled upon a devastating message from her boyfriend to his ex while checking her own messages on his computer. The team, joined by callers, unpacks the emotional fallout, trust issues, and the ethical boundaries in relationships, all while keeping the tone candid and relatable.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Listener's Story: Relationship Turmoil Unveiled

• Alison’s Dilemma: Alison, pregnant and living with her boyfriend, accidentally discovers a MySpace message where her partner tells his ex he wished he was starting a family and buying a house with her instead.
  • “There I found a little note to his ex saying how he was gonna be a father and he's buying a house and that he wished he was doing all this stuff with her. Oopsie.” – Melissa (01:29)
• Emotional Aftermath: Alison confronts her boyfriend, who apologizes and insists he didn’t mean what he wrote. Despite his reassurances, Alison can’t let go of the comment and repeatedly brings it up, unsure whether to forgive or worry there’s something deeper.

2. The Team’s Perspectives: Forgive or Move On?

• Lukewarm Limbo: The hosts emphasize the emotional toll of being stuck in an unresolved state.
  • “Either forgive him for it or do something about it. But you can't be in this lukewarm position... you’re losing your legitimacy.” – Host (02:23)
• The “Trunk Theory”: Repeatedly revisiting past mistakes in arguments damages relationships.
  • "You open up that trunk and you're like, and you did this one time and remember that other time you did this... you just bring out all of the old stuff... But you can’t do that." – Co-host (02:51)
• Moving Forward: Genuine healing involves a conscious choice: “If you can’t, then you gotta bail.” – Host (03:20)

3. Callers Weigh In: Real Talk from Listeners

• Listen and Let Go: Liz, a caller, shares her own similar experience.
  • “If she doesn’t let it go, she’s going to ruin her relationship... if he’s apologized and he is willing to be with her, that she’s gonna have to let it go and forget about it.” – Liz (05:20)
• The Ethics of Snooping: Jimmy, another caller, shares his unique relationship dynamic (dominant/submissive) with explicit permissions around privacy.
  • “There’s one thing you don’t do is you don’t go through the MySpace mail unless you actually have a reason…” – Jimmy (06:05)
  • He adds, “It’s a bit of a respect issue.” (07:23)

4. Revisiting the Ethics: Is Snooping Ever Justified?

• The hosts raise broader questions about privacy and honesty after referencing pop culture (Jennifer Love Hewitt on The View), highlighting that perspectives vary widely.
  • “Should you check your man’s email or should you just let it go? And you can imagine what they said on The View.” – Host (07:26)
  • “Check it, check it, check it.” – Co-host, summarizing The View's stance (07:39)

5. The Bottom Line: Hard Decisions

• The team circles back to the core issue: trust versus forgiveness. They stress that living in limbo—refusing to move on but also refusing to leave—is the worst possible place.
  • "Can you get over it? If you can, then stick it out. But if not, don’t make his life hell and make your own life hell also, you know?” – Co-host (08:14)
  • “At least she mentioned to him, look, this is what I did... They talked about it, but, yeah, you've had the conversation. You can’t repeat this conversation.” – Guest (08:20)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On temptation to snoop:

  • “That is a gravitational pull right there. You wanna walk away? You know you can... So I checked his MySpace mail.” – Host (00:58)

• On emotional impact:

  • “I don't know. That's just so hurtful. I think that comment would always linger with me or just be a visual in my mind. I mean, if you're expressing that you want this life with somebody else, how can you seriously get over that?” – Co-host (03:46)

• On staying or leaving:

  • “If she chose to stay with him, then she's with him. But if... that's something that I don't know if I could have stayed for, to be honest.” – Caller or Guest (04:26)

• On the importance of clarity:

  • “Did she send the exact context of... did she cut and paste the email or is she saying how she remembers it?... In her mind and especially with the hormones, rage and everything, she read it completely different than what it was.” – Melissa (04:40–05:08)

• On playing the victim:

  • “Are you going to always be the victim? You know, like you're going to like keep playing over and over and over and over for years. Like you got to let it go.” – Co-host (05:54)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:09 – 01:29: Introduction of Alison’s story and reading of her email
• 02:12 – 03:20: Hosts discuss the problem of lingering resentment and forgiveness
• 03:46 – 04:40: Panel debates on whether to stay or move on after such a betrayal
• 05:20 – 05:43: Caller Liz shares her perspective: Move forward or risk ruining the relationship
• 06:05 – 07:23: Caller Jimmy discusses the ethics of snooping and trust in different relationship dynamics
• 07:26 – 08:14: Hosts reflect on public opinions (reference to The View), and reinforce the episode’s central dilemma

---

Conclusion

The episode balances empathy, humor, and serious advice regarding trust and privacy in relationships. The core message is clear: if you decide to forgive a partner for a transgression, you must genuinely commit to moving forward—instead of recycling past hurts. Otherwise, both partners are condemned to an unhappy stalemate. The hosts and callers agree: honesty, clear boundaries, and communication are vital—and snooping, while tempting, usually leads down a path of distrust that's hard to reverse.

Transcript

[Host]

The bird show. So we were supposed to talk to Alison here, but she's not picking up. So we will read the email.

[Co-host]

Alright.

[Host]

And this has everything to do with things going okay in the relationship. And then she, she checks out dudes MySpace mail and then in a second everything turns around on her. Okay, says I met a great guy over a year ago. I was a single mother of a four month old and the guy instantly fell in love with my son and I fell in love with him. Three months later I got pregnant again, which really threw me for a loop. I bet we were both really shocked and surprised but he decided to take the next step and buy a house. In previous conversations we talked about how different hormonally and emotionally I was when I was pregnant the first time. He was aware by my warnings that I could become a real beeetch and just plain cranky during pregnancy. Although there were times we would argue and fight over stupid things, I thought it was pretty much okay. With the excuse of my crazy hormones. I kept apologizing and I told him things would get better once the baby came. So probably back in January. I was on his computer checking my email and his MySpace was still up and was still signed on. And that is a gravitational pull right there. You wanna walk away? You know you can come read me, come read me. So I checked his MySpace mail. There I found a little note to his ex saying how he was gonna be a father and he's buying a house and that he wished he was doing all this stuff with her.

[Melissa]

Oopsie.

[Host]

Instead. Needless to say, I was completely crushed. And I know she's serious because that's in all cap letters. I confronted him and he apologized profusely, saying he just said it out of frustration because she was being distant during the pregnancy and so on. He said he loved me, wanted to be with her, and didn't mean what he said to the ex. So now we fast forward to now our second son was born and everything's back to normal. But I can't get over the fact that he said something like that and supposedly didn't mean it. I always bring it up and he always said he didn't mean it. I just don't know if I should forgive him completely or just get over it or if there's really something deeper I should be worried about it now.

[Caller or Guest]

How long ago did this happen?

[Caller]

I don't know.

[Host]

I wish we had her on to give her.

[Co-host]

Sounds like it happened maybe nine months ago because their son's already born.

[Host]

I met a Great guy. Over a year ago, I was just single mother of a four month old, and then three months later, did she say she got pregnant or something like that.

[Caller or Guest]

So it's been a while. Been a while, yeah. To me it's just like you can't. You have to make a decision on how you're gonna react to it. Because she said in there, she keeps bringing it up over months and months and keeps talking about it, either forgive him for it or do something about it. But you can't be in this lukewarm position of always because you're losing your legitimacy.

[Melissa]

She's torturing him with it in hopes that it'll be erased.

[Host]

Get over with it.

[Co-host]

Yeah, it's like that theory, they call it like the trunk theory. Like some of those couples that when they fight, they bring out the trun. And that's everything you've ever done bad in the relationship. And you open up that trunk and you're like, and you did this one time and remember that other time you did this. And I mean, you just bring out all of the old stuff because it's like you're. I don't know, it's like your battle gear or something, you know, you bring to the table every single time. But you can't do that. You got to either, like Melissa said, deal with it or let it go.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Host]

Let me give a. Our new phone number out in case you guys want to play like armchair psychologist this morning. 877-588-BERT B E R T 877588. B E R T. My thing is, like, if you're gonna continue on in a relationship after you've gone through, like a big old obstacle like this, there's gonna have to be some time where you heal. But at some point you have to say, okay, it's over. I'm ready to move on. And if you can't, then you gotta bail.

[Co-host]

I don't know. That's just so hurtful. I think that comment would always linger with me or just be a visual in my mind. I mean, if you're expressing that you want this life with somebody else, how can you seriously get over that? But she's got a baby with him. She's got a baby from a previous relationship. If he's apologized for it and they're moving on, she's really got to move on. If she's always gonna dwell on that, then take your babies and go start a new life somewhere else. But you can't. You can't have both. Right?

[Host]

I don't think so.

[Caller or Guest]

No.

[Co-host]

She's always hung up on that one thing and not move on. If you can't move on from it, then you got to move on from the relationship, don't you think? You can't harp on that for the rest of your life.

[Caller or Guest]

Miserable. That's miserable. I mean, I'm. If she chose to stay with him, then she's with him. But if, if she, if it was. I mean, that's something that I don't know if I could have stayed for, to be honest.

[Host]

So shocking. That's like worse almost than having sex with somebody else.

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Baby.

[Caller or Guest]

Or not.

[Melissa]

Did she send the exact context of. Did she cut and paste the email or is she saying how she remembers

[Host]

it, how she remembers it?

[Melissa]

Because that could have also been a situation where she read something where he wrote like, remember when we were supposed to have these plans? Or it could have been a different version of that same sentence. Still, still heartbreaking. But in her mind and especially with the hormones, rage and everything, she read it completely different than what it was. So now what she's harping on him for is not actually what he said,

[Caller or Guest]

but he was still talking to his ex on MySpace, which is. I don't know which one is the worst violation.

[Host]

1 877-588-B E R T Bert. Good morning, Liz. You were on the voice disguise.

[Caller]

Hi. Yes, I've been in actually the same exact situation and she's going to have to let it go. If she doesn't let it go, she's going to ruin her relationship. And like I said, I have a six month old and if she doesn't let it go, if he's apologized and he is willing to be with her and now his two kids with her, that she's going to have to let it go and forget about it.

[Host]

I've seen couples too where they just one person in the relationship just never quite gets over it. And then out of the most random times, they'll just snipe with it. You know, just a little sniper.

[Co-host]

Are you going to always be the victim? You know, like you're going to like keep playing over and over and over and over and over for years. Like you got to let it go.

[Host]

Here's Jimmy. Good morning, Jimmy. You're on the Burt Show.

[Caller Jimmy]

Yeah. I went through absolute health well with a woman for about a year because of a lot of stuff like that. It was actually stuff that she was pulling. But you know, we worked it out. But there's one thing you don't do is you don't go through the MySpace mail unless you actually have a reason to do it. Me and my girl have a. Have an agreement where I'm allowed to do that because we have, you know, we have a dominant submissive relationship, which is a different story. But, I mean, you just don't go through the stuff unless you actually have a reason.

[Host]

Jimmy, let's go down this. Hold on a second. Let's go down this road of dominant submissive relationship.

[Caller Jimmy]

So, you guys, basically, she wears a collar. I hold the leash. And it's. It's one of the rules that I'm allowed to do that because of being a master, but I don't do that. It's just I'm allowed to because of the way the relationship is.

[Host]

Now, I'm assuming you're talking about figuratively and not physically. So you wear the pants in this relationship and you.

[Caller Jimmy]

No, I mean, literally, she wears a collar, and I hope you.

[Host]

All right, that's gonna take us way off route here. Okay. Yeah. MapQuest doesn't have to.

[Caller Jimmy]

We don't go through the MySpace mail like, you know, like that. I mean, that's. It's really. I mean, I don't care if it's on or off. You know, it's whatever her. Because I have her passwords or whatever else. I check it for her when she tells me or if she asked me to, but the computers on or whatever, and I sign her off and get back onto my stuff.

[Host]

Okay.

[Caller Jimmy]

Yeah, it's a bit to respect issue.

[Host]

Okay. We're gonna talk more about that later because Jennifer left. Hewitt was on the View. Yes. Last week talking about this very thing, like, should you check your man's email or should you just let it go? And you can imagine what they said on the View.

[Co-host]

What did they say? Check it, check it, check it.

[Caller Jimmy]

Yeah.

[Host]

Hey, Debbie. Good morning. You're on the Birch Show.

[Caller]

Hey, if that's the least that girl's got to worry about, then she does. She's not secure in that relationship. She's got two babies. She's got a lot more to think about than.

[Co-host]

I think.

[Host]

That's pretty major.

[Melissa]

If the man in the relationship is only emailing his ex saying that he'd rather be with his ex than with you.

[Co-host]

He did it once nine months ago or a year ago or whatever. That's the issue is that it was so long ago, and at that point she decided to stay.

[Host]

Yeah, I think that's the issue there.

[Co-host]

Is that.

[Host]

Can you get over it? If you can, then stick it out. But if not. Don't make his life hell. And make your own life hell also, you know?

[Caller or Guest]

Yeah, you've talked to. I mean, I give her credit for talking to him because so many women would have not said anything. What should I do? Should I confront him? I don't know if I should. At least she. She mentioned to him, look, this is what I did. This is what I saw. They talked about it, but, yeah, you've had the conversation. It's over. You can't repeat this conversation.

[Melissa]

Get it?

[Host]

The bird show.