← The Bert Show
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- [00:00]
Host
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- [01:01]
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- [02:00]
Host
Visit borheart.com you're on the vert show.
- [02:03]
Co-host
I think we're going to have to have parents who are who have kids older than Hayden weigh in on this.
- [02:09]
Host
And how old is Hayden now?
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Parent 1
I can't remember.
- [02:11]
Host
Six, seven?
- [02:11]
Co-host
What is he, six? Six and which you still have to address your age issues with your son, but different time. The. I met some people who have a daughter who I'm guessing is probably 14 or 15. She's definitely high school age. I can't tell if she's a freshman or senior, though. But she's in high school and she has a computer in her room. And so they see all. Or I guess last year, saw the news stories about all stuff that happens on Facebook and MySpace and instant messaging and email and nasty pictures around and all the crap that can happen. So they had the debate, like, what do we do about the computer? She's a good student, never had any problems. She does work on the computer. It's in her room. So we don't want to take it out of the room and kind of discourage her from going in there and doing homework. But you know, what if she just makes a stupid mistake and emails a picture of her boobs to some boy who shows it to everybody in high school, and then for the rest of her life, she's the girl who showed her boobs to the whole high school. So they came up with the idea. He works in computers. So I don't know if this is something you can just go to, like, Best Buy and Purchase or if you have to have some knowledge of computers, but they have a setup where they can sit in their living room and watch what she's doing on her computer in real time on their laptop.
- [03:36]
Parent 2
So it's not a video camera in her room? No, it's a duplication of what's going
- [03:40]
Co-host
on on her laptop, her screen.
- [03:43]
Host
You've seen this from time to time. Like engineers. Computer engineers can do this. If you call, like, tech support, you can give them a code and they just take over your computer and you could sit in front of it, and you're just watching your cursor go all over the place and it go from page to page and you're hands free.
- [03:55]
Co-host
They can do it. I know they can do it in our building. Like, they can do any one of the computers that are on our network. Because I've had to go in there and ask them to reset something, and they're just like, okay, which one is it? And they'll. Because how many monitors do we have in here? 10?
- [04:07]
Host
Something like that.
- [04:08]
Co-host
Yeah. So I'll go into engineering and go, hey, my computer's hung up on trying to print something.
- [04:13]
Caller 1
And.
- [04:13]
Co-host
And they'll go, okay, which one is it? And they'll bring up every screen. Each one of you guys, what you're Looking at and page through each one and go, that's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's Bert's. That's. I like what he's looking at. Okay. That's not it. That's it.
- [04:25]
Parent 1
Well, I mean. And he said it's a company computer, so they have full access, whatever that.
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Co-host
Whatever that technology is.
- [04:30]
Host
They got it.
- [04:31]
Co-host
This dude has it in his house,
- [04:32]
Host
so he's in the living room, or he has it in his own room, and he can watch his daughter's computer.
- [04:36]
Co-host
They said it's on their laptop. So I'm assuming even if they're out of town, even if he's at work, whatever, they can log in, do something, and they watch it, and they made the decision. And that by doing that, they can dis. Like, if they see instant messenger conversation going in the wrong direction. You know what I mean? Then they can intervene without ever telling her that they know if they're strong
- [05:00]
Parent 1
enough to be able to do that without intervening immediately.
- [05:03]
Caller 2
Right.
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Parent 1
I think it's a great idea, but I don't think many parents have the stamina to be able to handle what they see.
- [05:09]
Host
There's such a fine line here. Now, like, if you would have brought this up a year ago, I think I probably would have said something to the effect of, look, if your kid's a good kid and you trust your kid and you've already told them all of this and you've taught them and you're confident in what you've taught them, then you can't look over their shoulder all the time. You can't. They can't feel like they're in a prison. But, man, based on what we've heard from teenagers over the last couple of months on this show, it sounds to me like a lot of these are the good kids, you know, like. And if you're not constantly checking on them and you're not constantly looking in their email or checking at their Facebook, then by the time they go down this road and they start doing stuff like that, it's too late.
- [05:50]
Parent 2
See? But I don't think that this daughter has given them any reason not to trust her.
- [05:54]
Host
Well, that's what some parents were calling up to say weeks ago, is that you shouldn't need that. You shouldn't need that proof that you should be looking anyway.
- [06:01]
Parent 2
I guess I just feel like when she finds out, because she will find out. I agree with Melissa, that few parents
- [06:07]
Parent 1
could pull it off.
- [06:08]
Parent 2
And when she does find out, she's gonna have this Broken trust from them.
- [06:11]
Co-host
Their argument or their statement was. I was like, isn't that kind of shady? Or whatever. And their argument was basically that back in the day, their parents, you know, my friend's parents would look at, like, the diaries or the journals or like, you know, a boy writes you.
- [06:29]
Parent 2
I don't agree with that either.
- [06:30]
Co-host
A boy writes you a note in class and it takes a.
- [06:32]
Parent 1
See, I disagree with the journal. Cause the journal is a private thing. I can see the Internet concern because you're actually interacting with other people and potentially could get in trouble. Or you can't get in trouble in your diary, because we've talked about that before. How much would you snoop on your child? And my boundary would be the journal. Let them write whatever they want to write to themselves and get it out of their system. But I wouldn't go in there and break that trust. But I would be tempted to do this at this age. Now, at 16 and 17. No. But at 14 and 15. Yes.
- [06:59]
Host
Let me take a call here. I think the real question here is, is this, as a parent, is this a breach of trust or is this something that you have to do? Even if you have a quote, unquote good kid, do you still have to be looking over their shoulder all the time? Hey, Julie, you're on the voice disguiser.
- [07:16]
Caller 1
Hi. First of all, I just wanted to comment to the software. It is a software that anybody out there can get and have installed. It has to be installed on both computers. I had it in order to work from home so that I could work with my boss. And the other side of the coin is I have one of those kids who everybody thinks is the perfect kid. And we've caught her doing things over her cell phone. We've monitored her MySpace. We've deleted it a thousand times. She signs up under a different name and keeps going. And so monitoring, I think, is wonderful. I do. But it's. You're just not gonna catch it all and you can't stop it.
- [08:04]
Parent 1
But you shut down. I mean, she found out what you
- [08:06]
Co-host
were doing, so she started opening up other MySpace accounts. This prevents that, though. If you can sit there and look.
- [08:12]
Parent 1
You see this like what I said, though? I don't know a parent, they could look and not try to do something too extreme.
- [08:19]
Host
Yeah. I think we're concentrating too much on the computer aspect and the software aspect of it. When the real question is, should you constantly be looking over your kid's shoulder in every way, shape and form, even if they haven't given you a reason
- [08:31]
Co-host
to my inclination, I think this is perfect because, you know, and save your emails. I'm not a parent. I know that. But the. Like she was saying, like, your kid will just knock out a new Facebook page, a new MySpace page, a new Twitter feed, whatever, once you figure out what's going on on one of them, if you don't like it, this allows the parent to keep an eye, like, to know everything. I mean, it's a violation of trust. But what, you also don't want your kids boobs all over the high school.
- [09:03]
Host
Here's Valerie. She wants to represent teenagers on this. Go ahead, Valerie.
- [09:07]
Caller 2
Hi. I personally feel that this is a complete violation of trust for parents to watch what their kids do on the Internet. I mean, there's absolutely no trust in there. I feel if. That if you raise your child correctly, then you shouldn't have to be over their shoulder all the time. You shouldn't have to always be watching what they're doing. Like, you should trust what you instilled in them.
- [09:30]
Parent 1
What age do you think that as a teenager you're an adult and the parent no longer needs to parent you?
- [09:38]
Caller 2
About 16.
- [09:39]
Parent 1
Okay. Because I agree with that. I think, I think. I agree. 16, 17, 18, you're, you're, you know, they're starting to work and they need. They're starting to kind of get their feet wet on how life is. But at 13 and 14, I do still think that they need parenting.
- [09:53]
Host
Hey, Valerie, I want to put you on with this guy named John. I think he's a parent and he has the total opposite opinion.
- [10:00]
Parent 1
You do.
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Host
He thinks that it's a good thing to do that.
- [10:02]
Caller 2
Okay.
- [10:03]
Host
Hey, John, go ahead.
- [10:04]
Caller 3
Yeah, What I think, I think the parents are doing the right thing. I don't think they're doing the right thing in terms of not telling their child. I think they should treat it more like companies do with employees. Say, hey, especially if they're letting them have the computer in their room. Say, we're going to go ahead and monitor what you're doing. This computer is just for work. And maybe if they wanted to keep up with their friends on Facebook or something, fine. But, you know, appropriate is out of bounds. And like I heard someone else just say, if once they're 17, 16, mean, you're going to have to kind of let the range go. If they're going to go out and do some things and they're going to do it, but in an early race like that, then you need to go ahead and keep that monitor starting to
- [10:42]
Host
break that or Valerie, if your parents told you that the computer you were using in the house was just for school,
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Caller 2
have they.
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Host
No.
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Co-host
If they did.
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Host
They did. Wouldn't you just find other ways to. Or some of your other friends? Wouldn't you just find other ways to sort of do what you wanted?
- [10:59]
Caller 2
Yes, I would. And actually, John, I think your idea was actually a better one. Like, if you. If you do monitor what they do, like, tell them, like, they won't go on bad things. They won't do bad things on the Internet, especially with the knowledge that they're watching. But they will probably find another outlet
- [11:17]
Parent 1
to do other things, another computer and
- [11:19]
Host
do it or go to their phone. Like, if you're paying them. Do your parents check your phone every day?
- [11:25]
Caller 2
No, they don't. They don't check my phone at all.
- [11:29]
Host
Have they told you that? That would be something that they would do so you sort of.
- [11:34]
Caller 2
No, never.
- [11:35]
Host
Okay.
- [11:37]
Co-host
There's also the chance that I think parents might not. Like you may have just said, what do you mean, check your phone? There's probably a good number of parents who don't have any idea that there is a browser, a web browser on their telephone. On a kid's telephone. Like, I said that to. I mean, I know my parents are older than a teenager's parents, but I said to my dad, I'm like, well, why don't you just. On your phone. He was looking for a phone number, an address or so he called me and said, hey, are you near your computer? Can you Google something for me? Why don't you just do it from your phone? He's like, google on my phone. And I'm like, you know what? I'll do it. Because I don't have four hours to explain to you how to. But a lot of parents aren't even going to realize that you have a web browser in your pocket.
- [12:17]
Host
Hey, AJ. Go ahead. You're on Q100.
- [12:19]
Caller 2
Good morning, guys. I am a parent of a 10 and 12 year old, but I was once a child that was a good kid. But I was raised and I will raise my children the very same way. You live under my roof, you follow my rules, and I will do as I feel I necessary to make sure that you are safe in any way, shape, form or fashion, period. The end. Once you move out, you can do anything you choose.
- [12:45]
Parent 2
So you would tell them that you put the software on there.
- [12:47]
Caller 2
I will, yeah. I'll be glad to tell them. My mother. My mother was very upfront, honest with me. I know where you are. You Best know that I will check up on you. You'll never know when I check up on you. And she did at one time and caught me. So, I mean, like I said, and that other caller, the kid that called that said, you need to trust your kids, you raise them and you do the very best that you can. You teach them all that you know is right. But they're still gonna be kids. They're still gonna do what they wanna do. They're still gonna say, but what if I do this just one time? They, I mean, they've got a curiosity of them. They're gonna do it. You as a parent were given this child to raise and to protect. If you don't protect them, you're not doing your job.
- [13:33]
Co-host
Have you said, have you said if you would do this for Hayden or not?
- [13:37]
Host
I really don't know, man. I mean, because at this point when I'm listening to this conversation, I'm so relieved we're not there yet. But I know it's right around the corner
- [13:46]
Caller 2
that before you know it, I know.
- [13:48]
Host
And I'm, I'm sort of a hard ass in the house and Stacey is sort of soft with Hayden. So I think if there's going to be this kind of check in going on, it's probably going to be from me. I just, this isn't naturally me to be this kind of controlling and check all the time. So I don't know. I really have no idea if you're the one.
- [14:06]
Caller 2
I were raised totally separate ways. My mama was a hard ass and his mama was, you know, if you're not going to be home, just call me. It's okay. And so we've had to come to. He had to come to my side of the road because he realized I'm not gonna give in. These are my kids. I'm not gonna have anything happen to him as long as I can help it.
- [14:24]
Parent 1
Well, a lot of times too, parents raise daughters and sons differently. You know, my brother didn't have a curfew, but my sister and I did.
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Caller 2
Oh, but mine will be.
- [14:32]
Host
I sort of. I mean, my inner parent sounds a lot like AJ because what she was
- [14:37]
Co-host
saying sounds a lot like your theory on spanking. Like if you're spanking properly, you only spank them three times in their whole life because that's. Cause that's what they'll. And then they remember it and it carries on. So all you really have to do is keep an eye on his email once and then bring up something and go, hey, I just want to let you know, I looked in your email and I know that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he's going to be so conscious of that forever.
- [14:59]
Host
I think this also goes back to a conversation we've had before about parents. Some of them try so hard to be friends with their kids. And for me, once you do that, you've lost your ability to lead.
- [15:12]
Parent 1
That's what I'm saying.
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Host
You're an authority figure in that house.
- [15:13]
Parent 1
That's what I'm sitting here thinking about is the fact that, and that's one of the reasons that I have problems with timeout, because I feel like you're negotiating with your child. It is no negotiation. I am the parent, you are the child. That is the, that is how it is. I, with that last parent. Yeah, my parents, there was no negotiating. No, there was no, like if they wanted to look through something, they looked through it. If they wanted to spank me, they spanked me. If they, you know, it wasn't this. I had no power, you know, And I think, you know what teenagers and I didn't understand is that yeah, your parents actually do have your best interest, but you're still gonna be a teenager. So I guess there's gotta be a balance. But yeah, this whole, ah, well, I don't want to make my kid mad and well, I want to negotiate with my kid. Then you're a weak parent to me.
- [15:53]
Host
Jen, you have a 13 year old right now. What are you doing? Are you checking all that stuff?
- [15:57]
Parent 2
I'm checking all that stuff, but I'm telling the 13 year old I'm checking it.
- [16:00]
Host
You are?
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Co-host
That's the smartest thing to do.
- [16:02]
Host
Maybe.
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Parent 2
So I'm saying I've got, you know, spyware, whatever it is, everything to check on your phone, on your computer or whatever. But just know that I'm there and I'm looking for, for it or whatever and having, I mean having those open conversations or whatever and building trust. Like I, as a parent, eventually someday I want to be able to build that where my kids are not afraid to come to me because there were some things with my parents because my dad was so strict, I was afraid to talk to them about. And so in that being afraid, I made a lot of mistakes because of that. You know what I mean? I want to be able to talk to my kids and have them feel like they're not going to get in trouble for sharing their life with me.
- [16:39]
Co-host
That caller who said, I'm going to check up on you, you're not going to know when and where, but I'm going to do it. That would have been enough to keep me more in line.
- [16:45]
Host
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