Vault: Is This the Coolest Ride... or the Lamest?

Summary

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The Bert Show – "Vault: Is This the Coolest Ride... or the Lamest?"

Date: July 8, 2026
Main Theme:
The hosts dive into a lively and comedic debate about the latest trend in motorcycles—a three-wheel "Spyder" with two wheels in the front—sparking discussion about coolness, perceived safety, and the judgments of traditional bikers. They also explore their own temptations to make big new purchases, with plenty of banter and personal anecdotes.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Three-Wheel Motorcycle Craze

• [01:32] Bert excitedly brings up the new "Spyder" motorcycle he’s been seeing in commercials—it's got two wheels in the front and one in the back (as opposed to traditional trikes with two in the back).
  • Bert: “You seen these new motorcycles? They got two, two wheels in the front and one in the back, right?”
  • Carla: “Oh, I’VE seen the one. There's a Harley that's got two in the back and one in the front.”
  • Carl: “That's the trike. That's different.”
• Stacy jumps in to clarify she’s recently test driven one, expressing excitement and suggesting she’ll be buying one if Bert does.

Cool or Lame? The Group Weighs In

• [01:41 - 03:10] The cast debates whether the Spyder is "cool" or actually kind of embarrassing.
  • Stacy: “If you get one, I'm definitely getting one. I'm saying, let’s go get one.”
  • Bert (admitting): “I don’t even like motorcycles...but for whatever reason, this thing looks way safer than a regular motorcycle.”
  • Jeff (skeptical): “If you’re out there and there’s dudes on real motorcycles, are they laughing at you because you got the ones with the two wheels?”
  • Carla (affirming): “Yes, they will,” joking that traditional bikers will judge Spyder riders.
  • Carl (supportive): “It’s new, it’s fresh. It’s the coolest.”
  • Bert (honest): “They probably will [laugh].”
  • Notable Quote — Carla [02:13]: “I'm a lesbian, honey. I know about mocha.”
    (A moment of friendly banter showing the group's chemistry.)

Peer Pressure, Desire, and Justifying Big Purchases

• [03:10 - 05:12] The cast discusses being tempted by new purchases (motorcycles, trucks, nice cars), and the mental gymnastics they go through to justify buying.
  • Carl shares his loyalty to his first-ever new car, wanting to drive it past 100,000 miles (“I may actually have a little bit of a party...it’s dorky, but it’s cool to me” [03:16]), but also feeling the itch for something new.
  • Bert (teasing): “That's like going to just—I’m just going to go look at the puppies. I’m not going to buy one.”
  • Stacy (candid): “Just get it out of my system... Just ride and just—It’s worse than that.”
  • The group jokes about how "window shopping" (whether at bakeries, dealerships, or motorcycle lots) rarely ends with walking out empty-handed.
  • Stacy (YOLO approach): “You only live once.”
    Notable Quote — Carl [05:07]: “You only live once, but they'll cut your lights off once, too.”

The Risk Factor & Real-Life Consequences

• [05:12 - 05:36] Bert brings sober reality to the topic, mentioning a friend’s coworker who suffered a serious motorcycle accident and is now in a coma due to no fault of his own.
  • Bert: “...a friend that he has...was in a motorcycle accident this weekend, is in a coma right now. Which sort of deflated my excitement.”
  • Stacy (undaunted): “So you don’t need to ride if that’s going to deter you. That won’t deter me. I just don’t plan on falling.”
  • Carl (realistic): “I don't think anybody gets on a motorcycle with the intention of tipping it.”

Is the Spyder Motorcycle Actually Cool?

• [05:42 - 06:32] Debate continues over the look and status connotations.
  • Jeff (mocking): “It still looks like a grandpa mobile.”
  • Carla (supportive): “I think it looks awesome. It looks like a jet ski on wheels.”
  • Carla (warning): “Motorcycle riders will give you such crap for that.”
  • Jeff (ribbing): “Oh, doesn’t it look cool? Your lady won’t let you have a real motorcycle.”
  • Carla (continuing the roast): “That’s what that looks like.”
  • Bert (joking): “I’ll put a tattoo on my neck so nobody does.”
  • Group further jokes about making the Spyder “look tough” with accessories and tattoos.

Swapping Rides & Temptation Pacts

• [06:29 - 06:38] Playfully, the group considers test driving each other's rides to see just how much grief they'd get for riding the Spyder.
  • Stacy: “You take my spider for a roll and I’ll take your new truck for a roll.”
  • Carl (resistant): “Yeah, I’m avoiding the trucks. Don’t even say new truck to me.”

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Memorable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• [02:13] Carla: “I’m a lesbian, honey. I know about mocha.”
• [03:16] Carl: “It’s dorky, but it’s cool to me.”
• [04:26] Bert (on test driving toys): “That’s like going to just—I’m just going to go look at the puppies. I’m not going to buy one.”
• [05:07] Carl: “You only live once, but they'll cut your lights off once, too.”
• [05:42] Jeff: “It still looks like a grandpa mobile.”
• [06:13] Bert: “I’ll tattoo...something over the eyes so nobody gives you hell about...”
• [05:51] Carla: “Motorcycle riders will give you such crap for that.”
• [06:32] Stacy/Carl: Closing with more ribbing about swapping rides and who’s really going to make the bold purchase.

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Tone & Style

As always with The Bert Show, the tone is fast-paced, real, funny, and sometimes self-deprecating. The cast jibes one another with genuine affection, blending real-life anxieties about big purchases (and their consequences) with wishful thinking and rationalizations. They oscillate between playful teasing and honest talk, especially when the risks of motorcycles are brought up.

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Timestamps to Key Segments

• [01:32] – Spyder motorcycle introduced; cast reactions
• [03:10] – Stories about car/truck temptations and financial responsibility
• [04:26] – Analogies: test driving, bakeries, and the myth of "just looking"
• [05:12] – Serious moment: motorcycle accident and safety fears
• [05:42] – Is the Spyder cool or a "grandpa mobile"? Roasts and ribbing
• [06:29] – Swapping test drives and making (non-)commitments

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Summary:
This episode of The Bert Show is a rapid-fire, laugh-filled exploration of midlife toy-temptations, peer opinions on “cool” vehicles (especially the three-wheeled Spyder motorcycle), and the ways we rationalize (or resist) big new purchases. It’s classic Bert Show—a blend of banter, playful judgment, and just enough real-life gravity to ground the laughs. Whether you love unique rides or secretly fear you’re not as cool as you once were, this episode hits home.

Transcript

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[Show Host (Bluff)]

Listen, it's the vert show.

[Bert]

Jeff and Carl and I, I think are all in the same place.

[Carl]

Oh, you too?

[Bert]

Yeah. I told you guys about this a couple of weeks ago when I started seeing the commercials, man.

[Jeff]

What?

[Bert]

See the commercials for this three wheel motorcycle Spider cam?

[Stacy]

That's where I went to go test drive.

[Bert]

Is this a Harley Jeff came in? No, it's not a Harley. Jeff came in this morning and said that you were looking at one. And about three weeks ago, I don't know what I was watching. Maybe it was the basketball tournament. You seen these new motorcycles? They got two, two wheels in the front and one in the back, right?

[Carla]

Oh, I'VE seen the one. There's a Harley that's got two in the back and one in the front.

[Carl]

That's the trike. That's different.

[Bert]

It's like a chopper.

[Stacy]

It's not the same.

[Carl]

Why are you even participating in this conversation, girl?

[Bert]

Nah, this is two in the front.

[Carla]

I'm a lesbian, honey. I know about mocha.

[Carl]

Save that.

[Bert]

The commercial's been running all the time. I even got my wife. I'm like, come up here and check this out. And we went online and checked it out. It looks badass, man.

[Stacy]

If you get one, I'm definitely getting one. I'm saying, let's go get one.

[Carla]

Bert, what's the name of it? Two in the front.

[Bert]

And I don't even like motorcycles. Like, Stacy's way more into motorcycles than I am. But for whatever reason, this thing looks way safer than a regular motorcycle.

[Jeff]

Why? Why would it be safer? Because of the two wheels in front.

[Carla]

Now if.

[Jeff]

Okay, let me ask you this, though. If you are out there and there's dudes on real motorcycles, are they laughing at you because you got the ones

[Stacy]

with the two wheels not on this one. Not the one that Bert's talking about. This one right here is the new.

[Carl]

It's new, it's fresh. It's the coolest.

[Jeff]

The new stuff, it's new and cool. So they're not gonna be like, scoffing at you like, hey, yeah, they will.

[Bert]

They probably will.

[Carla]

Yes, they will. Because they're like, you're not strong enough to keep this bike up.

[Stacy]

But this one right here, though, this is just. This is just it. This is the new new.

[Bert]

So Carla's the new new.

[Jeff]

Makes it cool.

[Bert]

It looks so badass, though. Carl wants a motorcycle, and Jeff is thinking about a new truck right now.

[Carl]

We're handling things differently, though, because I drive it perfectly. Nice car is the first car I ever bought new. I've paid the whole thing off over the past, whatever. Three years of the note or four years of the note. It's got like 95,000 miles in my mind. I'm like, I'm gonna see this thing roll over to 100, like a hundred thousand miles. Like, I may actually have a little bit of a party. You know what I mean? Like the hundred. Like, we'll get the car and drive around and 100,000. Woo. You know? No, it's dorky, but, like, it's cool to me. So I, over the past few months, have been thinking it might be time for a new car, but I'm trying to be Trying to follow Clark Howard. I'm trying to do what he says, drive it into the ground. Trying to be good. So I'm avoiding car dealerships.

[Jeff]

Good.

[Carl]

The car shows in town last week, and I thought about going, but I intentionally made myself busy so I didn't go. If I see new cars that are, like, in the style of car that I want, I don't spend too much time looking at them. I'm avoiding it so that their temptation isn't there. Carl this weekend thought he could satisfy his temptation by going to test drive some motorcycles, thinking that that would quell shit.

[Jeff]

Then it's over.

[Bert]

Yeah, that's like going to just. I'm just going to go look at the puppies. I'm not going to buy one. I'm just going to go looking, Just

[Stacy]

get it out of my system. Just release it, you know, Just get it out for a second. Just ride and just. It's worse than that.

[Carla]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

That's like women who go to the bakery just for the smells. No, you're getting the cookies and the cakes and that. You're going to eat the pastries if you go in there and smell it.

[Bert]

So you wanna put a down payment on that thing nowadays?

[Stacy]

Yeah, I'm ready, man. Yeah. And you know what? That's funny, because this past weekend, a buddy of mine, his wife asked me the same thing. Carl, what do you think? Should I get. She just bought him a. I don't know, a $500 watch, whatever it was, the one that he wants, cost like 2,000. I'm like, man, you only live once.

[Bert]

Get it?

[Stacy]

You know what I'm saying? If you can afford it, and if it's not gonna cause too much strife in the house. Don't get me wrong, ladies, you say

[Carl]

you only live once, but they'll cut your lights off once, too. And that's it.

[Stacy]

Do it.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

A pair.

[Bert]

We have a. We have a friend that he has a guy that he works with that was in a motorcycle accident this weekend, is in a coma right now. Which sort of. Sort of deflated my excitement. Stacy, about the motorcycle. Yeah. Because only happens one time. It wasn't his fault. Some Jeep wrangler ran a light, didn't see him, went right over.

[Stacy]

So you don't need to ride if that's going to deter you. That won't deter me. I just don't plan on falling.

[Bert]

I don't think this guy did either.

[Carl]

I don't think anybody gets on a motorcycle with the intention of tipping it.

[Jeff]

I don't know why but that still to me. Jeff just showed me a picture of this thing. It still looks like a grandpa mobile.

[Carl]

It's pretty bad.

[Carla]

I think it looks awesome. It looks like a jet ski on wheels.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Are you serious?

[Stacy]

Yeah.

[Carla]

Motorcycle riders will give you such crap for that.

[Jeff]

To me, it's like, oh, doesn't it look cool? Your lady won't let you have a real motorcycle.

[Carla]

That's what that looks like.

[Jeff]

It's like, oh, you're whipped. I see.

[Bert]

I'll tattoo. I'll put a tattoo on my neck so nobody does. That's a cute little Tyson thing over the eyes so nobody gives you hell

[Stacy]

about

[Carl]

Smurfette or something around with a

[Stacy]

knife in your mouth.

[Carla]

I mean, that looks like a fancy, like, what do you call it?

[Bert]

The little sidecar.

[Carla]

Yeah, like it looks like a fancy. Yeah. Still looks like grandpa Carl if you get one.

[Carl]

I want to take it for a minute.

[Bert]

Yeah, you get it first and we'll see how much crap you get.

[Stacy]

Hey, I get that. You take my. My spider for a roll and I'll take your new truck for a roll.

[Carl]

Yeah, I'm avoiding the trucks. Don't even say new truck to me.

[Show Host (Bluff)]

This is the vert show.

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